Subj: Lawyer1 Jokes
(Includes 19 jokes and articles, 03816,2,cf,md,2)
Lawyers Talk from
Also see ALLIGATORS - 'Two
BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
BAR1 file - 'Is It Plastic Or Rubber?'
BAR2 file - 'Woman In Bar Will Screw'
Big_Cat file - 'Tiger Lick Ass'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Two Men Fight Over Duck'
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Three Parrots For Sale'
BUTCHER file - 'Butcher Sees Lawyer About A Dog'
CAR2 file - 'Lawyer's Door Ripped Off A Jaguar'
COWBOY2 file - 'Three Men At The Urinals'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Lawyer Dies'
DOCTORS1 file- 'Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart'
......................- 'Five Surgeons Talk'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Little Old Lady Meets Bank President'
FACTS2 file - 'Bill To Dead Man's Mother'
......................- 'Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant'
FACTS5 file - 'Two Sheriffs Arrest Diabetic'
......................- 'Outrageous Recent Court Cases'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer Wants A Divorce'
......................- 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
......................- 'Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
......................- 'Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow'
FUNERAL file - 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him'
GENIE file - 'Man Finds Genie On Beach, But Lawyers Get DOUBLE'
GOLF1 file - 'Golfing Lawyer Meets Beautiful Babe'
GOLF2 file - 'The Blind Play Golf'
GRAVE EPITPHS- 'Lawyer's Epitaph'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Marriage In Heaven'
......................- 'Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven'
HELL file - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
......................- 'Engineer Goes To Hell'
HOOKER file - 'Old Man Wants To See Natalie'
JOBS2 file - 'Three Men Apply For CEO Job'
JUDGE file - 'Youth Assaults Old Woman'
......................- 'Man Sued For 'Pig' Statement'
......................- 'Prosecutor's First Witness'
......................- 'Man Bribes Judge With Cigars'
......................- 'Man Collects For Insured Cigars'
......................- (See whole file)
LISTS file - 'Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Fifth Marriage'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Should I Lie In Court?'
......................- 'King Solomon Decides Lawyer's Fate'
MATH1 file - 'Merits Of A Wife Or A Mistress'
OTHER-OCCUP - 'How To End The Careers Of Professionals'
POLICE2 file - 'Lawyer Cross-Examins Policeman'
......................- 'Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish'
POPE file - 'The Pope And A Lawyer Enter Heaven'
PRIEST3 file - 'Rabbi, lawyer, ? Priest On A Ship'
......................- 'Priest Consults A Lawyer'
......................- 'Short Priest Jokes'
PREGNANT - 'Pregnant Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At'
RABBIT file - 'The Rabbit And The Snake'
RATS_MICE - 'A Tourist And The Rat Sculpture'
SANTA file - 'Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill'
STAR TREK ETC- 'NASA Interviews Mars Astronauts'
STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story Two' in NonJokes
WAITER-Waitrs- 'Waitress Sued Hooters Restaurant'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Middle Aged Couple Marry'
WOMEN1 file - 'Widow Farmer And Two Skiers'
......................- 'A Woman Says Yes For Money'
TAXES file - 'What to Wear To The IRS'
VALENTINE - 'Man Sends Out 1000 Valentines'
Subj: An Honest Lawyer (S737)
From: email@example.com on 2/26/2011
An investment counselor went
out on her own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she
realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began inter-
viewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand,"
she started off with one of
the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect.
"Let me tell you something
about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me
fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back
every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat
and admitted, "He sued me for
Subj: Attorney Gets Home Late (S485c, S816)
From: jtgalvan on 5/8/2006
and From: kgilmour2000 on 9/2/2012
An attorney got home late one
evening, after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright,
who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-
minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the
door at home, his wife started
on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where
have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual
role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off
for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
While he was in the bath, the
phone rang. The wife answered
and was told that her husband's client had been granted his
stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day
he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the
bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's
rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
Subj: Lawyer Sees Men Eating Grass (S166, S462)
From: thebartend on 04/07/2000
and From: Dickschu on 11/29/2005
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer
was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come
with us too!", he said to
the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car,
which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem,
the grass at my home is
about two feet tall."
Subj: Lawyer Questions Drug Witness (S129)
From: RFSlick on 7/12/99
A man was on trial for selling
drugs, and a neighbor
was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did
you ever get any
cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness
said, "but we're
still talking about drugs here, right?"
Subj: Murder Trial (S261b, S678)
Frim: humorlist-digest V2 #76 on 98-03-26
and From: thebartend on 1/29/2002
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma
where a person is on trial
There is strong evidence indicating
guilt; however, there
is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement
the lawyer, knowing that
his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably
be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom
door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says, "Actually,
I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I,
therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires
to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman pronounces
a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer.
"You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
"You are right, we all looked"
replied the foreman "but
your client didn't!"
Subj: Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife (S06)
(Also see 'Wife In Bed With Uncle Frank' in MARRIAGE3
and 'The New Maid' in BUTLER-MAID)
A lawyer who works in Texas receives
news of an out of town
emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a
short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack,
so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid
answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the
phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his
wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is
furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is
this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go
get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife
and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under
Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her
lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her
to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear
the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps,
and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the
The lawyer asks "did you kill them?".
"Yes", she replies.
"What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool." ...
pause ... "Pool?... Say,
is this 555-8234?"
Subj: A Lawyer's Revenge (S21)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
I always wanted a hopped up muscle
car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is
a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie.
Bessie is the prototypical juvenile,
your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual
exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard
behind an ancient guy
in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me with-
out a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and
this asshole, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my
car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood
busybody/nuisance. She proceeds
to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot."
I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by
nature, so I ignore this. As
I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again.
Twice? Fuck that. I turn around
and drive up next to her. "Do
you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you
measure my speed?" (Ever the
interrogator, I am.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have
to take this. Here comes a
cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman
is a trip. She waves him down, and
proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told
him the story, and told
him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed
limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I
have a C.A.R.B. exemption for
them." I give the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing
to screw me with. She says
"What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."
I began feeling little overheated
gears in the back of my
head start to turn. "These tires were available on the
1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street
legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines,
"So you're not going to give
out any tickets to this asshole?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say,
"Sir, this woman told you that
she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with
my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to
cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she
crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she
walked in front of my car to
stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable
cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since
she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause
to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as
an officer of the Court, I
can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal
Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at
a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant,
and after the cop told the
story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with
$215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a
total of four points against her license, as well as the
appropriate insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial
I won't prosecute. But
the look on her face as she walked away was more than
enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've passed the bar,
and I'm on a mission from God.
Subj: The Lawyer Wins One...... (S43, S339b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-09-02
and From: RFSlick on 7/21/2003
A New Orleans lawyer sought an
FHA (Federal Housing
Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took
the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information
to FHA, he received the
following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note that the request
is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared
the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the
year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will
be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property arena, would not
know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed
FHA bureaucrats, the title
to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,
which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The
land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen,
being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much
as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of
the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you
know, is the emissary of Jesus
Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume
that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I
hope to hell you are satisfied.
Subj: Killing Lawyers (S313b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2003
A truck driver used to amuse
himself by running over lawyers
he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time
he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve
to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he
would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver
was driving along he saw a
priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn
and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where
are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles
down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father!
I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw
a lawyer walking down the
road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then
he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him,
so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly
missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain
he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not
understanding where the noise came from he glanced in
his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned
to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
Subj: Defence Attorney Vs Doctor (S37, S605b)
From: Playboy February 1997
and From: Imogenelumen on 8/25/2003
(Also see 'Doctor Is Cross-Examined In Court' in DOCTOR1)
This was taken from the Alameda
County District Attorney's
Office publication "The Point of View".
In a murder trial, the defense
attorney was cross-examining
a pathologist. Here's what happened:
As he cross-examined the coroner,
the defense attorney asked,
"Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the
"No," the coroner replied.
"Did you listen to the heart?"
"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"
"So when you signed the death
certificate," the attorney
asked with a smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make
sure the man was dead, had you?
"Let me put it this way," the
badgered corner replied.
"The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But,"
he added, "I guess that he could still be out there
practicing law somewhere."
Subj: Lawyer Astronaut
NASA was interviewing professionals
to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer,
was asked how much he
wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he
answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor,
was asked the same question.
He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million
to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million
for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer.
When asked how much money
he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three
"Why so much more than the others?"
the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied,
"If you give me $3 million, I'll
give you $1 million, I'll
keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
Subj: Two Brothers, One A Lawyer (S240, S618c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/6/2001
and From: tom on 11/11/2008
(Also see 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar' in Mexican file
and 'Deaf And Dumb Bag Man' in ITALIAN file)
For years two brothers -- one
a lawyer the other a deaf-mute
accountant -- worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster
and the accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother
would use sign language and serve as an interpreter.
One day the mobster realized
his books were short $3 million.
He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and
pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-
of-a-b*tch I want to know where my money is!"
The brothers conversed briefly,
and the lawyer reported that
his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.
Furious, the mobster put a gun
to the accountant's head and
screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this b*stard that he
lets me know -- right now -- where the damn money is or
I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer told this to his brother,
explained -- in frantic sign language -- that the money was
hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.
"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.
The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."
Subj: Lawyer And A Dying Friend (S125b)
From: KMacinty on 6/8/99
A very rich man, who was very
close to his money, got together
with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest,
a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)
The Rich Man was very old, and
getting older, and was thinking
about his approaching death. He told his three friends this,
and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each
contain $100,000, one for each
of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
Sure enough (of course) the Rich
died. At his funeral, the
Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his
As they were leaving the funeral,
the Priest said to the others,
"I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar
badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his
The Doctor said, "Well, since
you've admitted it, I too must
confess that I took the money. The children's hospital where I
work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
The Doctor and the Priest both
turned to the lawyer, expecting a
similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the
Subj: Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-10
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy
and had a summer house
in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of
the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place,
which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On
one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a free-
bee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time
in the country, rising early
and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the
lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around
the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in
tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male
and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately
dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and
the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The
lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
Sure enough, the two bears were
still there. "He's in
*that* one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his
head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked
at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed
the lawyer, "I said he
was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff,
"and would YOU believe a
lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Subj: Lawyer And A Stolen Car
Carlson was charged with stealing
a Mercedes Benz, and after
a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day,
Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna
get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won
your acquittal. What do
you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson,
"I didn't have the
money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S627c)
By Wiley Miller
From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/10/2009
to view this comic Strip on how defense
attorneys prepare for their closing arguments.
Subj: A Fast Running Lawyer
A lawyer and his best friend
were hiking the appalachian
trail. All of a sudden, they noticed a cougar 50 feet
ahead, staring at them. The lawyer began to take off his
backpack, so his friend said "What the hell are you doing?!
You can't outrun a cougar!"
The lawyer replied:"I don't have
to outrun the cougar, I
only have to outrun you."
Subj: United Way Asks Lawyer To Donate (S193, S546)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #256 on 97-11-25
and From: AFine963 on 7/1/2007
A local United Way office realized
that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful
lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called
him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows
that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for
a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is
dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"--or that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way
rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him
off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
Bizarro's Comics On Lawyers (S574)
From: WashingtonPost on 1/16/2004
You can view this cute, strange,
comic strip on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
............................Three Smiley Lawyers from Smiley_Central.