Subj:     Lawyer1 Jokes
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 07977,4,cf,vXT2a,0)

Lawyers Talk from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Bizarro's Comics On Lawyers (S574)
.........................Defence Attorney Vs Doctor (S37, S605b)
.........................Two Brothers, One A Lawyer (S240)
.........................Lawyer And A Dying Friend (S125b)
.........................The Art Collector's Wife (S977)
.........................RackaFracka Cartoons (DU)
.........................An Honest Lawyer (S737)
.........................Attorney Gets Home Late (S485c, S816)
.........................Lawyer Sees Men Eating Grass (S166, S462)
.........................Lawyer Questions Drug Witness (S129)
.........................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S627c)
.........................Murder Trial (S261b, S678)
.........................Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife (S06)
.........................A Lawyer's Revenge (S21)
.........................The Lawyer Wins One...... (S43, S339b)
.........................Killing Lawyers (S313b)
.........................RackaFracka Cartoons II (DU)
.........................Lawyer Astronaut
.........................Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend
.........................Lawyer And A Stolen Car
.........................A Fast Running Lawyer
.........................United Way Asks Lawyer To Donate (S193, S546)

Also see ALLIGATORS   - 'Two Alligators Talk'
         BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
         BAR1 file    - 'Is It Plastic Or Rubber?'
         BAR2 file    - 'Woman In Bar Will Screw'
         Big_Cat file - 'Tiger Lick Ass'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Two Men Fight Over Duck'
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Three Parrots For Sale'
         BUTCHER file - 'Butcher Sees Lawyer About A Dog'
         CAR2 file    - 'Lawyer's Door Ripped Off A Jaguar'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Three Men At The Urinals'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Lawyer Dies'
         DOCTORS1 file- 'Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart'
......................- 'Five Surgeons Talk'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Little Old Lady Meets Bank President'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Bill To Dead Man's Mother'
......................- 'Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Two Sheriffs Arrest Diabetic'
......................- 'Outrageous Recent Court Cases'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farmer Wants A Divorce'
......................- 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
......................- 'Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
......................- 'Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow'
         FUNERAL file - 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him'
         GENIE file   - 'Man Finds Genie On Beach, But Lawyers Get DOUBLE'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golfing Lawyer Meets Beautiful Babe'
         GOLF2 file   - 'The Blind Play Golf'
         GRAVE EPITPHS- 'Lawyer's Epitaph'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Marriage In Heaven'
......................- 'Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven'
         HELL file    - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
......................- 'Engineer Goes To Hell'
         HOOKER file  - 'Old Man Wants To See Natalie'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Three Men Apply For CEO Job'
         JUDGE file   - 'Youth Assaults Old Woman'
......................- 'Man Sued For 'Pig' Statement'
......................- 'Prosecutor's First Witness'
......................- 'Man Bribes Judge With Cigars'
......................- 'Man Collects For Insured Cigars'
......................- (See whole file)
         LIBRARY file - 'Finding A Seat In A Crowded Library'
         LISTS file   - 'Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Fifth Marriage'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Should I Lie In Court?'
......................- 'King Solomon Decides Lawyer's Fate'
         MATH1 file   - 'Merits Of A Wife Or A Mistress'
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'How To End The Careers Of Professionals'
         POLICE2 file - 'Lawyer Cross-Examins Policeman'
......................- 'Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope And A Lawyer Enter Heaven'
         PRIEST3 file - 'Rabbi, lawyer, ? Priest On A Ship'
......................- 'Priest Consults A Lawyer'
......................- 'Short Priest Jokes'
         PREGNANT     - 'Pregnant Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At'
         RABBIT file  - 'The Rabbit And The Snake'
         RATS_MICE    - 'A Tourist And The Rat Sculpture'
         SANTA file   - 'Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill'
         STAR TREK ETC- 'NASA Interviews Mars Astronauts'
         STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story Two' in NonJokes
         WAITER-Waitrs- 'Waitress Sued Hooters Restaurant'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Middle Aged Couple Marry'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'Widow Farmer And Two Skiers'
......................- 'A Woman Says Yes For Money'
         TAXES file   - 'What to Wear To The IRS'
         VALENTINE    - 'Man Sends Out 1000 Valentines'
Subj:     Bizarro's Comics On Lawyers (S574)
          By Dan Piraro on 1/16/2004
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/january-16-2008/
Subj:     Defence Attorney Vs Doctor (S37, S605b)
          From: Playboy February 1997
      and From: Imogenelumen on 8/25/2003

 (Also see 'Doctor Is Cross-Examined In Court' in DOCTOR1)

 This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's
 Office publication "The Point of View".

 In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining
 a pathologist.  Here's what happened:

 As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked,
 "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the
 man's pulse?"

 "No," the coroner replied.

 "Did you listen to the heart?"


 "Oh? Did you check for breathing?"


 "So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney
 asked with a smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make
 sure the man was dead, had you?

 "Let me put it this way," the badgered corner replied.
 "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But,"
 he added, "I guess that he could still be out there
 practicing law somewhere."

Subj:     Two Brothers, One A Lawyer (S240, S618c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/6/2001
      and From: tom on 11/11/2008

 (Also see 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar' in Mexican file
       and 'Deaf And Dumb Bag Man' in ITALIAN file)

 For years two brothers -- one a lawyer the other a deaf-mute
 accountant -- worked for a mobster.  Whenever the mobster
 and the accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother
 would use sign language and serve as an interpreter.

 One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million.
 He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and
 pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-
 of-a-b*tch I want to know where my money is!"

 The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that
 his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.

 Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and
 screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this b*stard that he
 lets me know -- right now -- where the damn money is or
 I'll blow his brains out!"

 The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately
 explained -- in frantic sign language -- that the money was
 hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.

 "Well?  What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.

 The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."

Subj:     Lawyer And A Dying Friend (S125b)
          From: KMacinty on 6/8/99

 A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together
 with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest,
 a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)

 The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
 about his approaching death.   He told his three friends this,
 and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

 "Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each
 of you.  I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
 Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
 envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"

 The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

 Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died.  At his funeral, the
 Doctor, the Priest  and the Lawyer threw their  envelopes on his

 As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
 "I have a confession to make.  The church needed a new altar
 badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his

 The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must
 confess that I took the money.  The children's hospital where  I
 work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
 buy it."

 The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a
 similar confession.  Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
 of the money.  I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the

Subj:     The Art Collector's Wife (S977)
          From: AFine963 on 10/1/2015

 A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector
 called and asked to speak to his client.

 "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

 The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's
 hear the good news first."

 The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and
 she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures
 that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
 I think she could be right."

 Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a
 brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now, I
 know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

 The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Subj:     RackaFracka Cartoons (DU)
          From: FritzCartoons.com on 4/25/2011
 Source: https://www.fritzcartoons.com/lawyer-cartoons/
Subj:     An Honest Lawyer (S737)
          From: ezines@arcamax.com on 2/26/2011

 An investment counselor went out on her own.  She was shrewd
 and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she
 realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began inter-
 viewing young lawyers.

 "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of
 the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
 integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
 Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

 "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
 about honesty.  Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me
 fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back
 every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 "Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

 The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for
 the money."

Subj:     Attorney Gets Home Late (S485c, S816)
          From: jtgalvan on 5/8/2006
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 9/2/2012

 An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day
 trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright,
 who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last-
 minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
 feeling worn out and depressed.

 As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started
 on him about, "What time of night do you call this?  Where
 have you been?" And on and on.

 Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
 he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off
 for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
 sarcastic remarks.

 While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered
 and was told that her husband's client had been granted his
 stay of execution after all.

 Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to
 go upstairs to give him the good news.  As she opened the
 bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's
 rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

 "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

 He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN,

Subj:     Lawyer Sees Men Eating Grass (S166, S462)
          From: thebartend on 04/07/2000
      and From: Dickschu on 11/29/2005

 One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
 limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
 He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

 "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

 "Oh, come along with me then."

 "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to
 the other man.  "But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
 the second man answered.

 "Bring them as well!"

 They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
 for a car as large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the
 poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
 taking all of us with you."

 The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
 about two feet tall."

Subj:     Lawyer Questions Drug Witness (S129)
          From: RFSlick on 7/12/99

 A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor
 was called as a witness.

 The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any
 cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

 "No sir," answered the man.

 "Did you ever get any from his wife?"

 "No sir."

 "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

 "Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're
 still talking about drugs here, right?"

Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S627c)
          By Wiley Miller on 1/10/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2009/01/10
Subj:     Murder Trial (S261b, S678)
          Frim: humorlist-digest V2 #76 on 98-03-26
      and From: thebartend on 1/29/2002

 Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial
 for murder.

 There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there
 is no corpse.

 In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
 his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably
 be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

 "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
 all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.  "Within 1
 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
 this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom
 door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly.  A
 minute passes. Nothing happens.

 Finally the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous
 statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation. I,
 therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in
 this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
 you return a verdict of not guilty."

 The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.  A few
 minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman pronounces
 a verdict of guilty.

 "But how?" inquires the lawyer.  "You must have had some
 doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

 "You are right, we all looked" replied the foreman "but
 your client didn't!"

Subj:     Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife (S06)

 (Also see 'Wife In Bed With Uncle Frank' in MARRIAGE3
       and 'The New Maid' in BUTLER-MAID)

 A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town
 emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a
 short period of time.  He doesn't even have time to pack,
 so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.  The maid
 answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the
 phone.  After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his
 wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is
 furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is
 this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go
 get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife
 and the mailman.  She protests, but he explains that under
 Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her
 lover.  Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her
 to do it.  She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear
 the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps,
 and, finally, some splashes.  The maid comes back on the

 The lawyer asks "did you kill them?".

 "Yes", she replies.

 "What did you do with the bodies?"

 "I threw them in the pool." ... pause ... "Pool?... Say,
 is this 555-8234?"

Subj:     A Lawyer's Revenge (S21)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
 I couldn't afford one.  Now I can, and I have one.  It is
 a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie.

 Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch
 your crotch and drink cheap beer car.  Chromed engine, dual
 exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

 I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy
 in a beat up truck.  He decides to turn in front of me with-
 out a blinker.  I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and
 this asshole, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my
 car with her hand up.

 Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.  She proceeds
 to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot."

 I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.  As
 I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again.

 Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up next to her.  "Do
 you have a problem?" I ask.

 "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

 "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

 "You were speeding.  I watched you."

 "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?"  (Ever the
 interrogator, I am.)

 "I heard you."

 "So, you measured my speed by ear?"

 "I can hear."

 "How fast did you HEAR me going?"

 "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this.  Here comes a
 cop. I'll wave him down."

 THE POLICE?  This woman is a trip.  She waves him down, and
 proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

 "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told
 him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed
 limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

 "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

 She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for
 them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

 She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says
 "What about those big tires?  They CAN'T be legal."

 I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my
 head start to turn.  "These tires were available on the
 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street
 legal as a replacement."

 Ethel gets angry.  She whines, "So you're not going to give
 out any tickets to this asshole?"

 The cop says, "No, I am not."

 I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that
 she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with
 my car here.  According to Title 39, pedestrians have to
 cross the street at a right angle.  This woman admitted she
 crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable

 "What?" The cop looks confused.

 "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to
 stop me.  A citizen can't detain someone without probable
 cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case).  Since
 she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause
 to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

 The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

 "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I
 can demand her arrest.  I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal
 Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at
 a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

 The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the
 story, he authorized the summonses.  She went home with
 $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a
 total of four points against her license, as well as the
 appropriate insurance surcharge!

 Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute.  But
 the look on her face as she walked away was more than
 enough satisfaction for me.  Yeah, I've passed the bar,
 and I'm on a mission from God.

Subj:     The Lawyer Wins One...... (S43, S339b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-09-02
      and From: RFSlick on 7/21/2003

 A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing
 Administration) loan for a client.  He was told that the
 loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
 title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

 The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took
 the lawyer three months to track down.

 After sending the information to FHA, he received the
 following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining
 your client's loan application, we note that the request
 is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment
 the able manner in which you prepared and presented the
 application, we must point out that you have only cleared
 the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the
 year 1803.  Before final approval can be accorded, it will
 be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
 "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been
 received.  I note that you wish to have Titles extended
 further than the 194 years covered by the present application.
 I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
 particularly those working in the property arena, would not
 know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in
 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

 "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title
 to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,
 which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The
 land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
 in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
 who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
 India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.  The good queen,
 being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much
 as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of
 the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

 "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus
 Christ, the Son of God.  And God, it is commonly accepted,
 created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume
 that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I
 hope to hell you are satisfied.

Subj:     Killing Lawyers (S313b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2003

 A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers
 he would see walking down the side of the road.  Every time
 he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve
 to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he
 would swerve back onto the road.

 One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a
 priest hitchhiking.  He thought he would do a good turn
 and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, "Where
 are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles
 down the road!", replied the priest.  "No problem, Father!
 I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck".  The happy
 priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
 driver continued down the road.

 Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the
 road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then
 he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him,
 so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly
 missing the lawyer.  However even though he was certain
 he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".  Not
 understanding where the noise came from he glanced in
 his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned
 to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father.  I almost hit
 that lawyer".

 "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

Subj:     RackaFracka Cartoons II (DU)
          From: FritzCartoons.com on 2/24/2011
 Source: https://www.fritzcartoons.com/lawyer-cartoons/
Subj:     Lawyer Astronaut

 NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
 Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

 The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he
 wanted to be paid for going.  "One million dollars," he
 answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

 The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
 He asked for two million dollars.  "I want to give a million
 to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million
 for the advancement of medical research."

 The last applicant was a lawyer.  When asked how much money
 he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three
 million dollars."

 "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
 The lawyer replied,

 "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll
 keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Subj:     Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-10

 A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house
 in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of
 the year.  Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
 friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place,
 which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.  On
 one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
 friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a free-
 bee off a lawyer, agreed.

 Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early
 and living in the great outdoors.  Early one morning, the
 lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
 berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around
 the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in
 tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male
 and a female.  The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately
 dashed for cover.  His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and
 the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.  The
 lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
 he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.  The sheriff
 grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
 the lawyer.

 Sure enough, the two bears were still there.  "He's in
 *that* one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
 visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his
 head.  He just had to save his friend.  The sheriff looked
 at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
 took careful aim, and shot the female.

 "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he
 was in the other!"

 "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a
 lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

Subj:     Lawyer And A Stolen Car

 Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after
 a long trial, the jury acquitted him.  Later that day,
 Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the

 "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that
 dirty lawyer of mine."

 "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal.  What do
 you want to have him arrested for?"

 "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the
 money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Subj:     A Fast Running Lawyer

 A lawyer and his best friend were hiking the appalachian
 trail.  All of a sudden, they noticed a cougar 50 feet
 ahead, staring at them.  The lawyer began to take off his
 backpack, so his friend said "What the hell are you doing?!
 You can't outrun a cougar!"

 The lawyer replied:"I don't have to outrun the cougar, I
 only have to outrun you."

Subj:     United Way Asks Lawyer To Donate (S193, S546)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #256 on 97-11-25
      and From: AFine963 on 7/1/2007

 A local United Way office realized that it had never
 received a donation from the town's most successful
 lawyer.  The person in charge of contributions called
 him to persuade him to contribute.  "Our research shows
 that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
 give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give
 back to the community in some way?"

 The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
 "First, did your research also show that my mother is
 dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that
 are several times her annual income?"

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

 "--or that my  brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
 and confined to a wheelchair?"  The stricken United Way
 rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
 "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
 the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
 penniless with three children?!"

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
 simply, "I had no idea..."

 On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
 don't give any money to them, why should I give any to

                           -(o o)-
............................Lawyers from Smiley_Central.