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Subj:     Lawyer2 Jokes
                 (Includes 105 jokes and articles, 06 1016,4,cf,wXT3,0)

Lawyer On Cellphon
from
Animated Cliparts
Includes the following:  Pearls Before Swine - Sunday Comic Strip (S1016)
.........................Boy Chokes In Restaurant (S302b, S605b)
.........................Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him (S299, S696b)
.........................Lawyer Riddle (S297b)
.........................The Spinster's Will (S246, DU)
.........................Lawyers As Test Rats (S185, DU)
.........................Lawyer Goes To Heaven (S315, DU)
.........................Another Lawyer Goes To Heaven (DU)
.........................The Seven Stages Of A Lawsuit - Cartoon (DU)
.........................New York Lawyer Goes To Heaven
.........................Lawyer Meets Satan (S185)
.........................Doctor Meets Lawyer On Riviera (S318, S643b)
.........................Farmer, Lawyer And A Used Car
.........................Lawyer's Vacation
.........................Exporting Lawyers To Japan
.........................Washington Hunting Laws And Bag Limits (S279)
                         Short Lawyer Jokes
..............................Ulyssess Grant Meets Several Lawyers (S682b)
..............................A Lawyer Comes Home Late (S479b)
..............................Clarence Darrow Quotation (S467b)
..............................One Of Abe Lincoln's Law Cases (S404b)
..............................Roosevelt's Talk To His Son (S401b)
..............................Lawyer Statue - Drawing (S386)
..............................FDA Viagra Study (S317)
..............................Bubba Calles His Lawyer - w/Animated GIF (S298)
..............................Lawyer Has Operation (S298b)
..............................Lawyers And Assholes (S276c, S737)
..............................Pretending To Be A Lawyer In A Bar (S275c)
..............................Man Visits Lawyer About Will (S189)
..............................Creative Defense For Burglary (S182, S457b)
..............................Terrorists Attack ABA Convertion (S110)
..............................Drug Trial And The Neighbor
..............................Lawyer, Doctor, and Diogenes
..............................Man Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator
..............................Question And Answer Jokes About Lawyers (S128)

Includes: heaven jokes, short jokes, and question-answer
============================================================Top
Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S1016)
          By Stephan Pastis on 7/3/2016
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2016/07/03
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Top
Subj:     Boy Chokes In Restaurant (S302b, S833)
          From: pns on 11/11/2002
      and From: tom on 12/27/2012

 A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He
 gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
 occupied.  Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue
 in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed
 the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.  The boy
 coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.  Looking
 at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in
 a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
 newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of
 the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
 neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
 gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
 the restaurant.

 Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
 takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze
 and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After
 a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
 the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her
 free hand.

 Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel
 to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
 bar without saying a word.

 As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
 effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
 thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything
 like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

 "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

 (cum grano salis)

Top
Subj:     Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him (S299, S696b)
          From: thebartend on 10/23/2002
 (See 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him' in FUNERAL)

 A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
 illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't
 take it with you."

 After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance
 chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his
 money with him when he died.

 He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
 money to fill two pillowcases.  He then directed her to take
 the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above
 his bed.

 His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab
 the bags on his way to Heaven.

 Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
 up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillow-
 cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed.
 "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Riddle (S297b)
          From: LABLaughs.com

 What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?

x
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Scroll down for the answer
x
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x
Here it comes
x
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ANSWER

Lawsuits

Top
Subj:     The Spinster's Will (S246, DU)
          From: dogbyte on 10/17/2001

 An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
 receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
 prepared.  The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment
 for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

 The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all
 my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out.
 Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

 The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he
 went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her
 estate and the will.  The lawyer's first question was,
 "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how
 you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

 She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see
 here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

 "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000
 to be distributed?"

 The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a
 reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd
 like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide
 $35,000 for my funeral."

 The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to
 have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave
 a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much
 note of you!  But tell me," he continued, "what would you
 like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

 The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married,
 I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've
 never slept with a man.  Before I die, I'd like you to use
 the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

 "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding,
 "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to
 you."  That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his
 wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
 After thinking about how much she could do around the house
 with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband
 to agree to provide the service himself.

 She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait
 in the car until you're finished."  The next morning, she
 drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went
 into the house.  She waited for over an hour, but her
 husband didn't come out.  So she blew the car horn.

 Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer
 stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow!  She's
 going to let the County bury her!"

Top
Subj:     Lawyers As Test Rats (S185, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/19/2000
      and From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/5/2003

 At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher
 remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have
 switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

 "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

 "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are
 far more plentiful.  Second, the lab assistants don't get
 so attached to them.  Third, lawyers multiply faster in
 numbers.  Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to
 their torture.  And fifth, there are some things even a
 rat won't do.

 There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to
 extrapolate the test results to human beings"

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Goes To Heaven (S315, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/24/2003

 Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at
 the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had
 the misfortune to expire on the same day.  They arrived
 at the gates of heaven at the same moment.  They spend
 the day in orientation, and as they're getting their
 heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and
 wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer
 apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

 Then, they get to see where they're going to live.  The
 Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday
 Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with
 servants and a swimming pool.

 At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
 Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a
 fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

 By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an
 error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge,
 "Has there been some kind of mistake?  This guy was the
 Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just
 a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

 The angel replied, "No mistake, sir.  We've had lots of
 popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Top
Subj:     Another Lawyer Goes To Heaven (DU)

 (Also see 'An Accountant Goes To Heaven' in HEAVEN2)

 A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
 arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found
 himself at the Gates of Heaven.  St. Peter started to
 escort him inside, when he began to protest that his
 untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

 "I'm much too young to die!  I'm only 35!"  St. Peter
 agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering
 the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

 When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm
 afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son.  We
 verified your age on the basis of the number of hours
 you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Top
Subj:     The Seven Stages Of A Lawsuit (DU)
          By Dan Piraro on 7/11/2014
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/july-11-2014/
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Top
Subj:     New York Lawyer Goes To Heaven (S276c)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 12/20/2000

 A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly
 gates.  Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to
 merit entrance into Heaven?"

 The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I
 gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

 Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record,
 and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

 Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really
 quite enough to get you into Heaven."

 The lawyer said, "Wait!  There's more!  Three years ago I
 also gave a homeless person a quarter."

 Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded
 back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

 Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do
 you suggest we do with this fellow?"

 Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to
 Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell
 him to go to Hell."

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Meets Satan (S185)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11
      and From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 on 08/13/2000

 The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an
 offer.  "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
 "I'll increase your income five-fold.  Your partners will
 love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four
 months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.

 All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your
 children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell
 for eternity."

 The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

Top
Subj:     Doctor Meets Lawyer On Riviera (S318, S643b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09

 A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend
 and asked him what he was doing there.  The lawyer replied,
 "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?  Well, it caught
 fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.  What
 are you doing here?"

 The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had
 in Mississippi?  Well, the river overflowed, and here I am
 with the flood insurance proceeds."

 The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you
 start a flood?"

Top
Subj:     Farmer, Lawyer And A Used Car

 A sweet old farmer had just bought the best used car he could
 afford, and was driving it home.  One of the town lawyers was
 hitching a ride by the side of the road where his BMW had
 broken down, and the kind farmer picked him up.  As he
 climbed aboard the truck, the lawyer asked the old man, "How
 do you like this new manure spreader you got here?"

 The farmer replied, "Don't know yet.  You're the first load
 I've hauled."

Top
Subj:     Lawyer's Vacation
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27

 For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at
 a country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair
 with the innkeeper's daughter.

 Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
 suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
 There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
 pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could
 have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
 condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and
 decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
 than a lawyer."

Top
Subj:     Exporting Lawyers To Japan

 Lawyers in Japan
 Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze

 Take heart, America.  Three monkey wrenches have been thrown
 into Japan's well-oiled economic machine.  It's only a mater
 of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins
 to sputter and fail.

 What could cause such a sharp turnaround?  High interest
 rates?  Increased unemployment?  Lower productivity?  No,
 it's something much more economically debilitating - and
 permanent.

 Three American lawyers have become the first foreign
 attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan.  What's more,
 two of them are from New York!

 The decline has begun.

 Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared
 to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents.
 For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000
 engineers.  In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

 A law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners
 to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955.
 Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers
 have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

 If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence
 of American attorneys.  What better way to even our balance
 of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

Top
Subj:     Washington Hunting Laws And Bag Limits (S279)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 11/3/2000

  1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting
     license may harvest attorneys.
  2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.
     The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
  3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
     accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside ?
     proceed to nearest car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
     from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
  5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or
     "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
  6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards
     of BMW dealerships.
  7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100
     bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract
     attorneys.
  8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards
     of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas,
     gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
  9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it
     shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
     department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself
     as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk,
     sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for
     the purpose of hunting attorneys.

 Bag Limits
  1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
  2. Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
  3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
  4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
  5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
  6. Honest Attorney                        EXTINCT
  7. Cut-throat                                    2
  8. Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
  9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7


Subj:     Short Lawyer Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Ulyssess Grant Meets Several Lawyers (S682b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/10/2010
 One wintry evening, Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885) entered
 a hotel in Galena, Illinois.  Sitting by the fire was a
 group of lawyers, one of whom glanced up at the weather-
 beaten Grant.  "Here's a stranger, gentlemen," he remarked,
 "and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself
 to get here."

 "That's right," Grant cheerfully replied.

 "And how did you find things down there?"

 "Just like here," Grant declared, "lawyers all closest to
 the fire."
 

Top
Subj:     A Lawyer Comes Home Late (S479b)
         From: igiggle on 3/25/2006
 The lawyer wandered home at three in the morning.  His wife
 became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you
 would be home by 11:45!"

 The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time.  I said I'd be home
 by a quarter of twelve."
 

Top
Subj:     Clarence Darrow Quotation (S467b)
          From: igiggle on 12/29/2005
 After successfully trying her case, Clarence Darrow was
 embraced by his lovely client, who thanked him expansively
 and desired to know, "How can I ever thank you?"

 "My dear," replied the lawyer, "ever since the Phoenicians
 invented money, there has only been one answer to that question."

From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
  with great pleasure."  -- Clarence Darrow
 

Top
Subj:     One Of Abe Lincoln's Law Cases (S404b)
          From: igiggle on 9/28/2004
 A vengeful man came to lawyer Abe Lincoln asking him to
 sue a man who was living in poverty for $2.50.  When
 Lincoln couldn't dissuade the fellow, he charged him
 $10 as a legal fee.  Lincoln gave half of that to the
 defendant, who openly confessed to the debt and paid
 the $2.50, settling the dispute agreeably.
 

Top
Subj:     Roosevelt's Talk To His Son (S401b)
          From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
 A man who never graduated from school might steal from a
 freight car.  But a man who attends college and graduates
 as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad.
   -- President Theodore Roosevelt, persuading his son to
      become a lawyer

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Statue (S386)
          From: mrx on 6/12/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     FDA Viagra Study (S317)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/27/2003
 In a recent FDA study, the United States government
 research physicians who were conducting studies on
 test drugs, administered weekly doses of Viagra to
 an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

 While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced
 sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

 The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
 

Top
Subj:     Bubba Calles His Lawyer (S298)
          From: flovilla on 10/13/2002
      and From: DoctorDebt on 12/5/2004
    Bubba drawing from Quizarama
 Bubba called his attorney and asked, "I heard
 that people have sued the tobacco companies
 for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's
 for making them fat." 

 The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

 The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing
 too." 

 The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the
 tobacco companies?" 

 The man says, "Neither, I'm want to sue
 Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept
 with."

Top
Subj:     Lawyer Has Operation (S298b)
          From: thebartend on 10/16/2002
 A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find
 himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all
 the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor.

 "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge
 fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up
 and think the operation had failed."
 

Top
Subj:     Lawyers And Assholes (S276c, S737)
          From: dogbyte on 5/18/2002
      and From: BruceJohnsonbaugh on 2/23/2010
 A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All lawyers
 are assholes and all assholes are lawyers"

 A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey!
 I resent that!"

 So the first man asks, "Why?  Are you a lawyer?"

 "NO! I'm an asshole!"
 

Top
Subj:     Pretending To Be A Lawyer In A Bar (S275c)
          From: CatScratch on 12/8/2001
 There was a loser who couldn't get a date.  He went to a
 bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.  The guy
 said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

 So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
 After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a
 good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

 She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

 He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

 So they went to his place and when they were in bed,
 screwing, he started to laugh to himself.  When she
 asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only
 been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing
 someone!"
 

Top
Subj:     Man Visits Lawyer About A Will (S189)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/15/2000
 A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a
 will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

 The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

 The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were
 going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave
 a little to my children too!
 

Top
Subj:     Creative Defense For Burglary (S182, S457b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/28/00 and 10/27/2005
 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
 creative defense:

 "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
 removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
 and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual
 for an offense committed by his limb."

 "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
 sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
 He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."  The defendant
 smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
 artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
 

Top
Subj:     Terrorists Attack ABA Convertion (S110)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-23
 A group of terrorists break into a conference room at
 the Ramada Inn, where the ABA was holding its annual
 convention.  More than 100 lawyers were held hostage.
 The terrorists threatened that if their demands
 weren't met, they would release one each hour.
 

Top
Subj:     Drug Trial And The Neighbor
          From: thebartend on 98-05-20
 A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was
 called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you
 ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

 "No sir," answered the man.

 "Did you ever get any from his wife?"

 "No sir."

 "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

 "Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're
 still talking about drugs here, right?"
 

Top
Subj:     Lawyer, Doctor, and Diogenes
 A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.
 They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of
 the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and
 the executioner follow."

 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it
 going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes.
 "I still have my lantern."
 

Top
Subj:     Man Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator
 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
 bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
 lawyer for my gator."


 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between
 two cats.  -- Benjamin Franklin.

 Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's
 coming to him.

 Two lawyers are walking down the street when a beautiful
 woman walks by.
 "Man," said one of the lawyers, "I'd love to screw her."
 To which the other lawyer replies "Out of what?"

 It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage
 of politicians.

 I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence,
 so let's discuss his absence of character!  - Michael Lara

 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example,
 when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared
 half of his salary as 'unearned income.'  - ibid

 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands
 a law degree.

 The trouble with the legal profession is that
 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

 There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law
 and those who know the judge.

 There is no better way to exercise the imagination
 than the study of the law.

 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as
 a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux

 Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are,
 the more are needed! - Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum

 The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for
 a client, but at least there will be no problem with
 fee-splitting.

 What time is it when you have three lawyers buried
 up to their necks in shit?  Time to get more shit.

 Legal business card:
        Dewey, Cheatham, ? Howe
        Attorneys at Law

From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
 Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
 stamps?  They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people
 couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
 drunk are walking down the street together when they
 simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
 The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
 creatures.

 A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
 rates.
 "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
 steep?" asked the man.  "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
 third question?"

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
 As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
 important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're
 paying me so much money. What's important is that you
 continue to do so.  -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

From: humorlist-digest V2 #2 on 98-01-02
 Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to
 help me obtain a divorce.  My husband is getting a little
 queer to sleep with."
 "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you
 to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the
 little queer."

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-24
 It was so cold last winter ...(How cold was it?) ...
 that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #78 on 98-03-28
 A lawyer's wife dies.  At the cemetery, people are appalled
 to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of
 Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

 Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears.  His brother says, "You
 should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

 Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!
 They left out the phone number!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #173 on 98-07-12
 Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair
 on the Titantic.

From: auntieg on 98-11-10
 Lawyer's creed:
 * A man is innocent until proven broke.

From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17 (S103)
 As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after
 surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
 "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied.
 "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

 Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
 Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has
 the better attorney

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/23/2001 (S216)
 Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
 It's called, Sosumi.

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
 everything on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people
 don't blame everything on Satan."  -- George Burns

From: dogbyte on 10/17/2001 (S246)
 A good lawyer knows the law.
 A great lawyer knows the judge!

From: dogbyte on 3/12/2002 (S267c)
 If your wife and a lawyer were both drowning
 and you had to choose,... would you go to
 lunch, or would you go to a movie?

From: dogbyte on 8/6/2002 (S288b)
 Despite their other contributions to our society,
 lawyers can still be a great source of protein.


From: igiggle on 5/18/2004 (S381b)
 Any time a man can't come and settle with you without
 bringing his lawyer - look out for him.  -- Will Rogers
 

From: igiggle on 9/22/2004 (S403b)
 I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of
 legislature.  You've got to work on his conscience.  And
 his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer.
   -- Will Rogers

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/16/2005 (S456b)
 "People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting
 lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide."
   -- Will Rogers

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/16/2006 (S482b)
 "People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers,
  instead of their conscience, be their guide."  -- Will Rogers

From: igiggle on 1/12/2005 (S416b)
 A small-town lawyer made a modest living until another
 lawyer moved into his town. Then they both made a fortune.
 

Top
Subj:     Question and Answer Lawyers Jokes(S128)
          From: collins2 on 7/8/99

 Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
 A: A doberman.

 Q: Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big
    when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough
    to hold the body?
 A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

 Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
 A: Lawyers get frequent flyer points.

 Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
 A: The lawyer's wingtips come off.

 Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
 A: A prostitute stops screwing you when you die.

 Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
 A: Your Honour.

 Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
 A: Senator.

 Q: What has 4 legs, one arm, and 'Law Society' cufflinks ?
 A: A very happy pit-bull.

 Q: What does a lawyer have in common with a sperm?
 A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming
    a human being.

 Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
 A: His lips are moving.

 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and
    a dead lawyer in the road?
 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
 A: Professional courtesy.

 Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
 A: Cut the rope.

 Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
 A: From chasing parked ambulances.

 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
 A: One. That will be $90.00, please.

 Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?
 A: Skeet.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
 Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
 A: Their personalities.

 Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
 A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

 Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers
    and their clients?
 A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

 Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
 A: Stick his bill up his ass.

 Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
 A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
    launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they
    screw up everything forever.

 Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and
    a pit bull?
 A: Lipstick.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with
    a crooked lawyer?
 A: Chelsea.

 Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you
    never swerve to hit him?
 A: It might be your bicycle.

 Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
    lawyer.  You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
 A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-24
 Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to
    their neck in sand?
 A: Not enough sand.

 Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
    latest stamps?
 A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ...
    and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #55 on 98-03-02
 Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
 A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

 Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers
    in a Porsche?
 A: With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

From: auntieg on 98-11-10 (S93)
 Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
 A: He gets taller.

From: testalot on 12/15/2002 (S307)
 Q: Why are there more lawyers per capita in Washington D.C.
    and why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps
    than any other state?
 A: New Jersey got 1st choice.

From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
 Q: What's a will?
 A: It's a dead giveaway.

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