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Subj:     Pilot Jokes
                 (Includes 32 jokes and articles, 29 1029n,8,cf,wXT1a,6)

          Click "Here" for Pilot-Supp
 


Jet Pilot
from
Big Daddy's Animations
Includes the following:  World War I Flying Ace Stamp (DU in Supp)
.........................The Blue Angels' Cockpit Footage (S954 in Supp)
.........................SR-71 Pilot Col. Buzz Carpenter - Video (S939 in Supp)
.........................Sample Reel for 'Above and Beyond' (S924 in Supp)
.........................Concrete Arrows (S886)
.........................Gail 'Hal' Halvorsen, The Candy Bomber -  Video (S890 - Sup)
.........................This Is Why We Fly.... - Video (S878)
.........................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip III (S954 in Supp)
.........................Lucky Strike Fighter Pilot Commercial (S729 in Supp)
.........................Paul Tibbets Interview by Studs Terkel 2002 - Vid (S727-Sup)
.........................F-35 Looping On Take-Off - Video (S680 in Supp)
.........................Dean Martin And Foster Brooks - Video (S655 in Supp)
.........................The US Bomber And The German Fighter (S643 in Supp)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S643c in Supp)
.........................Pilot Jessica Cox - Video (S641 in Supp)
.........................Pilot's Eye View Of Carrier Landing! - Video (S629 in Supp)
.........................An SR-71 Driver Speaks - Video/PPS (S567 in Supp)
.........................SR-71 Blackbird Pilot Brian Shul - Video (S616b in Supp)
.........................Pilot Has A Runway Problem (S564c in Supp)
.........................Virtual Pilot (S622b in Supp)
.........................TOP GUN Tower Flyby - Video (S956)
.........................Who Packed Your Parachutes II - PPS (S555)
.........................F-16 And C-130 Pilots Show-Off (S506b)
.........................Plane Needs Latrine Pumped (S472, S636c)
.........................The New Stewardesses - Drawing (DU)
.........................Pilot School On Sublimation (S441b)
.........................Flying With A US Fighter Pilot (S348b, S585c)
.........................US Air Force Needs More Recruits (S314)
.........................Australian Pilot Standards (S298b)
.........................Redneck Pilots (S284b)
.........................Who's Packing Your Parachute (S274d)
.........................F-15 and C-130 Pilots Argue (S232)
.........................Take Your Child To Work Day (S399b)
.........................Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing (S210, S632b)
.........................Pilot-Control Tower Exchanges (S303b, S538b)
.........................The Greatest Pilot in WWII (S187)
.........................Frankdurt Traffic Controllers (S107, S349)
.........................Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane (S95, S792)
.........................ATC Humour
.........................A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot (S20, S538b)
.........................Blind Airline Pilots (S22, S477b)
.........................Pierre The Fighter Pilot (S120, S366b)
.........................Pilot Engaged To Two Ladies
.........................Lost Pilot Askes Directions
                         Short Pilot Jokes
..............................The Fable Of The Happy Pilot (S855 in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip II (S826 in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (S821 in Supp)
..............................Pilot Does Smooth Roll - Video (S683b in Supp)
..............................Mike Peters Editorial (S665 in Supp)
..............................US Pilot Shoots Terriorists - Video (S658b in Supp)
..............................Animation w/Audio Of Sully's Landing - Vid (S637c-Sup)
..............................Rocket Man! - Video (S575c in Supp)
..............................Close Enough????? - Video (S573b in Supp)
..............................C-5 All Female Flight Crew (S568c in Supp)
..............................The Lawn Chair Man (S565c in Supp)
..............................Two Letters About A F-16 Flyby (s552c)
..............................Pilot And Navigator Talk (S506c)
..............................Times You Have To Trust Your Pilot (S544)
..............................Three Old Pilots (S305)
..............................Young Foolish Pilot (S185)

Also see ARABS file   - 'Two Terrorists Get Visas'
         BIG-CATS     - 'Shade'
         BIRDS file   - 'The Penguin Game'
         MAILMAN_ETC  - 'Flying Dream'
         PLANE1 file  - 'USAF Squawks'
......................- 'Plane Hired To Fly Over Fire'
......................- 'Pilot Speaks With Mike Open'
......................- 'Pilot Speaks With Mike Open II'
......................- (see whole file)
         PLANE2 file  - 'The General And The Screaming Kid'
......................- 'What Time Is It?'
......................- 'All Female Flight Crew'
......................- 'Pilot Lands At Secret Base'
         POLICE1 file - 'Defective Radar'
         SAILOR-MARINE- 'Blue Angels - Cockpit Footage'
......................- 'Blue Angels w/On Board Cameras In HD'
         SHIPS file   - 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.1' - Video
......................- 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.2' - Video
.........SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Wisdom - From The Military'
         STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story One' in NonJokes

============================================================Top
Subj:     TOP GUN Tower Flyby (S956d)
          From: Tony Bauer on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/kf_bCOoXK24
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.Click 'HERE' to learn about the tower flyby in Top Gun movie.
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Top
Subj:     Who Packed Your Parachutes - PPS (S555)
          From: darrellvip on 9/7/2007
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 (Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes' below)

 This PowerPoint Show is about Charles Plumb.  He was a Navy
 pilot who was shot down during the Vietnam War and spent 6
 years as a prisoner of war. Now he lectures throughout the
 nation and many foreign countries.  He has appeared to CBS
 Morning News, The Today Show, Larry King Live, and many
 others.  Click 'HERE' to see this great show.

 True story as related on many web pages like
 http://homeport.usnaweb.org/parachute.html

Top
Subj:     F-16 And C-130 Pilots Show-Off (S506b)
          From: hellgunner50 on 9/27/2006

 A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot
 flew up next to him.  The fighter jock told the C-130
 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll
 followed by a steep climb!  He then finished with a sonic
 boom as he broke the sound barrier.  The F-16 pilot asked
 the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

 The  C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
 The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the
 C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of
 that?"

 Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"

 The  C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs,
 walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of
 coffee and a sweet roll."

Top
Subj:     Plane Needs Latrine Pumped (S472, S636c)
          From: darrell94590 on 2/2/2006
      and From: tom on 3/11/2009

 A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
 Greenland at midnight.  During the pilot's preflight check,
 he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full
 from the last flight.  So a message is sent to the base and
 an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

 The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way
 to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck
 has been left out doors and is frozen solid, so he must find
 another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.  He
 returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about
 what he has to do.  Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping
 job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk
 criticism later.

 As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son,
 your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be
 late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not
 just reprimanded but punished."

 Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep
 breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,
 I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.
 I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave,
 and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
 I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temper-
 ature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit
 out of aircraft.  Now just exactly what form of punishment did
 you have in mind?"

Top
Subj:     The New Stewardesses (DU)
          From FlightStory.net
 Source: http://blog.flightstory.net/category/funny/
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Top
Subj:     Pilot School On Sublimation (S441b)
          From: The Joje Station on 7/10,2005
 Source: http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/

 Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private
 pilots.  During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted
 to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from
 a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g.,
 frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces
 without first going through the liquid stage.

 Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the
 instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of some-
 thing that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting
 "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my
 mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
 "burrito."

 It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic
 composure.

Top
Subj:     Flying With A US Fighter Pilot (S348b, S585c)
          From: FridaySilliness on 8/15/2003
     and From: rfslick on 4/5/2008

 Biff and the Airplane by Rick Reily, "Sports Illustrated"

 "Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday
 you may be invited to flyin the back-seat of one of your
 country's most powerful fighter jets.  Many of you already
 have:John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.
 If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest
 sincerity.  Move to Guam.  Change your name.  Fake your own
 death!  Whatever you do, do not go.  I know.  The U.S. Navy
 invited me to try it.  I was thrilled.  I was pumped.  I was
 toast!  I should've known when they told me my pilot would be
 Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron213 at Naval Air Station
 Oceana in Virginia Beach.

 Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King
 looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue
 eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake ... the
 kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure
 time. If you see this man, run the other way.  Fast.  Biff
 King was born to fly.  His father, Jack King, was for years
 the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting
 ..."Remember?)  Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter
 each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded
 by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat,
a ridiculously powerful $60 million
weapon with nearly as much thrust as
weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting air sick,
so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should
eat the nextmorning.

 "Bananas," he said.

 "For the potassium?" I asked.

 "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up
 as they do going down."

 The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit
 with my name sewn over the leftbreast.  (No call sign like
 Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot but, still, very cool.)  I carried
 my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.  If
 ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was
 it.

 A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then
 fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would
 "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be
 immediately knocked unconscious.  Just as I was thinking about
 aborting the flight,the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave
 the ground crew a thumbs-up.  In minutes we were firing nose up
 at 600 mph.  We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another
 F-14.

 Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.  Unfortunately, the
 ride lasted 80.  It was like being on the roller coaster at Six
 Flags Over Hell.  Only without rails.  We did barrel rolls, sap
 rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again,
 sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
 We chased another F-14, and it chased us.  We broke the speed
 of sound.  Sea was sky and sky was sea.  Flying at 200 feet we
 did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which
 is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
 against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
 And I egressed the bananas.  I egressed the pizza from the night
 before.  And the lunch before that.  I egressed a box of Milk
 Duds from the sixth grade.  I made Linda Blair look polite.
 Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want
 to be egressed.  I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

 Biff said I passed out.  Twice.  I was coated in sweat.  At one
 point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a
 mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a
 tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was
 the first person in history to throw down.

 I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
 or Norman making a five-ironbite.  But now I really know cool.
 Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon
 nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black
 book, but I'm glad Biff does everyday, and for less a year than
 a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

 A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called.  He
 said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me.  Said
 he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

 What is it? I asked.

 "Two Bags."

 To get another perspective on fighter pilot's thinking, click
 'HERE' for a very cool picture.

Top
Subj:     US Air Force Needs More Recruits (S314)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/4/2003

 The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would
 personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all
 of our armed services.  He directed a nearby Air Force base
 that will be opened and that all eligible young men and
 women be invited.

 As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15
 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had
 just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up
 to them.  The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out
 his hand and introduced himself.

 He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what
 skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

 The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

 The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says,
 "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do
 it!"

 The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at
 the second young man and asked, "What skills do you bring
 to the Air Force?"

 The young man says, "I chop wood!"

 "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers
 in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

 "I chop wood!"

 "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to
 me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

 "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

 "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

 The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to
 chop it before he can pile it!"

Top
Subj:     Australian Pilot Standards (S298b)
          From: jerry on 9/30/2002

 The Australian Federal Attorney General's Department has
 ruled that blind and mentally disabled people can not be
 barred from becoming airline pilots or air traffic
 controllers because doing so breaches anti-discrimination
 laws.  This means that pilots, flight navigators, flight
 engineers and air traffic controllers will no longer have
 to pass eye and hearing tests and can have other medical
 conditions that could affect safety.

 The Civil Aviation Safety Authority has filed an "urgent"
 application to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity
 Commission for an exemption from the Sex and Disability
 Discrimination Acts, for obvious reasons.  "Without
 [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to
 guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't
 guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs,"
 they say, rather obviously, at least to some people.

 The Daily Telegraph (Australia) 27-Sep-02

Top
Subj:     Redneck Pilots (S284b)
          From: Cypriot on 7/12/2002

 YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PILOT IF ...

 ... Your stall warning plays "Dixie".

 ... Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets
     as checkpoints.

 ... You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

 ... You've ever used moonshine as AvGas.

 ... You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

 ... Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

 ... You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

 ... You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

 ... You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

 ... The side of your airplane has a sign advertising
     your septic tank service.

 ... You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

 ... You think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight".

 ... You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy".

 ... Your matched set of luggage is three grocery bags
     from the Piggly Wiggly.

 ... You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side.

 ... You've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.

 ... You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.

 ... You have more than one roll of duct tape holding
     your cowling together.

 ... Your preflight includes removing all of the clover,
     grass, and wheat from your landing gear.

 ... You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your
     airplane into the CG calculations.

 ... You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

 ... You've never landed at an actual airport though you've
     been flying for years.

 ... You've ground looped after hitting a cow.

 ... You consider anything over 100" AGL to be high
     altitude flight.

 ... There are parts of your airplane labeled "John Deere".

 ... You've never actually seen a sectional but have all
     of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.

 ... You answer all radio calls from females with, "That's
     a big 10-4 little darlin'".

 ... There's exhaust residue on the right side of your
     aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

 ... You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.

 ... You use your parachute to cover your plane.

 ... You've ever landed on the main street of town to get
     a cup of coffee.

 ... You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

 ... You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

 ... Some of your favorite navigation aids have things
     like "Seniors 96" hand painted on them.

 ... The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.

 ... Your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.

 ... You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

 ... You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs
     don't get cold.

 ... Your flight instructor's day job is at the community
     sales barn.

 ... You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.

 ... There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

 ... There is a brown stained Styrofoam cup strategically
     placed in your glove box.

 ... The FAA still thinks you live at your parents' house.

 ... You think Zulu is an African time zone.

 ... Your hanger collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.

 ... Somewhere on your airplane is a "I'd rather be
     fishing" bumper sticker.

 ... You navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively
     country stations.

 ... When you go to the airport cafe, they hand you
     biscuits and gravy instead of a menu.

 ... You think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer
     from Budweiser.

 ... Just before the crash, everybody at the airport
     heard you say, "Hey, y'all watch this!!"

Top
Subj:     Who's Packing Your Parachute (S274d)
          From: mjsally on 1/16/2002

 (Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes' above)

 Charles Plumb was a U.S. Navy jet pilot in Vietnam.  After
 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-
 to-air missile.  Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy
 hands.  He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist
 Vietnamese prison.  He survived the ordeal and now
 lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

 One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a
 restaurant, a man at another table came up and said,
 "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the
 aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk.  You were shot down!"

 "How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

 "I packed your parachute," the man replied.

 Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude.  The man pumped
 his hand and said, "I guess it worked!"

 Plumb assured him, "It sure did.  If your chute hadn't
 worked, I wouldn't be here today."

 Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man.
 Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he might have looked
 like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back,
 and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I
 might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning,
 how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a
 fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."

 Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on
 a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully
 weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute,
 holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he
 didn't know.

 Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your
 parachute?"  Everyone has someone who provides what
 they need to make it through the day.  Plumb also points
 out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his
 plane was shot down over enemy territory-he needed his
 physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional
 parachute, and his spiritual parachute.  He called on
 all these supports before reaching safety.

 Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we
 miss what is really important.  We may fail to say hello,
 please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something
 wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment,
 or just do something nice for no reason.

 As you go through this week, this month, this year,
 recognize people who pack your parachute.  I am sending
 you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing
 my parachute !!! And I hope you will send it on to
 those who have helped pack yours!

 Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to
 us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:  When
 you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess
 what you do - --you forward jokes.

 And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are
 still important, you are still loved, you are still cared
 for, guess what you get ? --- A forwarded joke.

 So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that
 been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been
 thought of today and your friend on the other end of your
 computer wanted to send a smile.

Top
Subj:     F-15 and C-130 Pilots Argue (S232)
          From: thebartend on 7/5/2001

 A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their
 pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
 the time.  Talk comes around to the relative merits of their
 respective aircraft.

 The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better
 because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry,
 and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in
 these areas.

 After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh
 yeah?  Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that
 you'd only dream about."

 Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

 "Just watch," comes the quick retort.  And so they watch.
 But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight
 and level.  After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes
 back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

 Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What
 are you talking about?  What did you do?"

 And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched
 my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and
 took a leak."

Top
Subj:     Take Your Child To Work Day (S399b)
          From: Gutterville.co.za
 Source: (Removed from gutterville.co.za)
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Top
Subj:     Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing (S210, S632b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/1/2001
      and From: allenbergman on 2/12/2009

 During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft.
 Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
 United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) screamed,
 "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
 on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta".  Stop
 right there!  I know it's difficult to tell the difference
 between C's ? D's, but get it right!"

 Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now
 shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything;
 it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there
 and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go
 exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
 you.  You got that, US Air 2771?"

 The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".  The ground
 control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air
 crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her
 current state.  Tension in every cockpit at the airport
 was running high.  Then an unknown male pilot broke the
 silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Top
Subj:     Pilot-Control Tower Exchanges (S303b, S538b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/21/2002
      and From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007

 A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing
 with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower:

 "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway,
 if able.  If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Unknown aircraft : "I'm fucking bored!"
 Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
    identify yourself immediately!"
 Unknown aircraft : "I said I was fucking bored,
    not fucking stupid!"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Tower : "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
    Departure on 124.7"

 Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
    By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of
    dead animal on the far end of the runway."

 Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
    Departure on 124.7.  Did you copy that report from
    Eastern 702?"

 Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
    roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already
    notified our caterers......"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
    is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

 United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
    I've got the little Fokker in sight."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance
 in Munich overheard the following:

 Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
    clearance time?"

 Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
    speak English."

 Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
    airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

 Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned
 around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait,
 it finally took off.  A concerned passenger asked the
 flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

 "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
 explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to
 find a new pilot."

Top
Subj:     The Greatest Pilot in WWII (S187)
          From: thebartend on 08/29/2000

 It seems that a young man volunteered for military service
 during World War II.  He had such a high aptitude for aviation
 that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station skipping
 recruit training.

 The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier
 on the base.  All they could do was give him his gold wings
 and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

 On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot
 down 6 Japanese Zeroes.  Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he
 found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

 Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled
 the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

 He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the
 captain.  Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do
 on my very first day?"

 The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You
 make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

Top
Subj:     Frankdurt Traffic Controllers (S107, S349)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
      and From: DoctorDebt on 10/7/2003

 The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport were
 a short-tempered lot.  They not only expected you to know
 your parking location but how to get there without any
 assistance from them.  It was with some amusement that we
 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
 and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after
 landing.

 Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
    of the active."

 Ground: "Guten morgen, Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

 Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate
    location now."

 Ground (with typical impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
    NEVER flown to Frankfurt before?"

 Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't stop."

Top
Subj:     Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21
      and From: virv on 3/20/2012 (S95, S792)

 You can read this wonderful story by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     ATC Humour
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

These were given to me by a friend who's an Air Traffic Controller ...
they are actual transmissions between pilots and ATC at O'Hare Airport.

Pilot: "Approach, how far from the airport are we?"
ATC:   "N923, the faster you go the quicker you'll get here."

ATC:   "Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has... oh, disregard...
        I see you've already ejected."

Pilot: "The first officer says he's got you in sight."
ATC:   "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27..
        you continue on that 180 heading and descend to 3000 feet."

Pilot: "Approach, what's the tower?" (*meaning tower frequency)
ATC:   "That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not
        important right now."

Pilot: "How far behind traffic are we?"
ATC:   "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC:   "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile
        and a half from you... that's three miles."

ATC:   "The traffic at 9 o'clock is gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC:   "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

Pilot: "I can see the country club down below... looks like there's a lot of
        controllers out today!"
ATC:   "Yes sir, there are ... they're caddying for DC-10 pilots like you."

Top
Subj:     A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot (S20, S538b)
          From: bmd on 97-06-11
      and From: Grampsboyd on 1/30/2004

 Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
 Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year
 Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that
 theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know
 Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten
 dollahs is ten dollahs."

 So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I
 don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy,
 that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs
 is ten dollahs."

 So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you
 a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay
 quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't
 charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

 They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of
 twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard,
 he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

 He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By
 golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
 holler out, but you didn't."

 And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when
 Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

Top
Subj:     Blind Airline Pilots (S22, S477b)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
      and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006

 A commercial airline jet was sitting at the airport waiting
 for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.  Just as the passengers
 started to really get restless, the airline announced that
 the pilot and co-pilot had just gotten in and were on their
 way over.

 The pair came in through the rear door and started making
 their way up through the plane.  The passengers began
 whispering amongst each other when it became apparent that
 the pilot and co-pilot were looking very blind.  Both of
 them kept making their way toward the cockpit, tapping
 their red and white sticks against anything in their path.
 The co-pilot even had a seeing-eye dog pulling him along
 the aisles.  After they sat down at the cockpit, the
 passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes
 about the safety of the flight.

 The engines revved up and the plane began taxiing over to
 the runway.  By this time a few passengers were craning
 their necks, trying to see into the cockpit to see what
 the pilots were up to.  When they approached the runway,
 the engines grew louder and louder as the plane went
 faster and faster down the runway.  Then the plane
 actually went past the take off speed, but the plane still
 was racing down the runway.

 The passengers were really nervous as the end of the
 runway drew too close for comfort.  The passengers began
 screaming as the end looked near.  Just as the plane
 looked like it was going to crash off the runway, the
 plane suddenly took off and began its ascent.

 After the plane was at a safe altitude, the co-pilot
 looked at the pilot and said, "You know, one of these
 days they aren't going to scream, and then how are we
 going to know?"

Top
Subj:     Pierre The Fighter Pilot (S120, S366b)
          From: The Bartender on 07/05/97 and 1/26/2004
      and From: DrRibeiro on 5/21/99

 Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
 out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a
 beautiful day and love is in the air.  Marie leans over to Pierre
 and says "Pierre, kiss me!"  Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and
 splashes it on Marie's lips.

 "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre
 the fighter pilot!  When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
 She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
 little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."  Our hero tears her
 blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all
 over her chest.

 "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am
 Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have white meat, I like to have
 white wine!"  They resume their passionate interlude and things
 really steam up.  Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
 "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs
 a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match
 and lights it on fire.

 Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she
 throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN
 THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

 Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
 pilot!  When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Top
Subj:     Pilot Engaged To Two Ladies

 One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met,
 discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get
 out of our lives you rascal.  We'll teach you that you can't
 have your Kate and Edith, too."

Top
Subj:     Lost pilot Askes Directions

 (Also see 'Two men in a hot air balloon' in MATH2 file)

 A HELICOPTER WAS FLYING AROUND ABOVE SEATTLE YESTERDAY WHEN
 AN ELECTRICAL MALFUNCTION DISABLED ALL OF THE AIRCRAFT'S
 ELECTRONIC NAVIGATION ? COMMUNICATIONS EQUIPMENT.  DUE TO
 THE CLOUDS AND THE HAZE, THE PILOT COULD NOT DETERMINE THE
 COPTER'S POSITION AND COURSE TO STEER TO THE AIRPORT .

 THE PILOT SAW A TALL BUILDING, FLEW TOWARDS IT , CIRCLED,
 DREW A HANDWRITTEN SIGN AND HELD IT IN THE COPTER'S WINDOW.
 THE PILOT'S SIGN READ, "WHERE AM I?" IN LARGE LETTERS .

 PEOPLE IN THE TALL BUILDING QUICKLY RESPONDED TO THE
 AIRCRAFT, DREW A LARGE SIGN AND HELD IT IN A BUILDING
 WINDOW . THEIR SIGN READ, " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER ".

 THE PILOT SMILED , WAVED, LOOKED AT HIS MAP, DETERMINED
 THE COURSE TO STEER TO SEATTLE AIRPORT, AND LANDED SAFELY .

 AFTER THEY WERE ON THE GROUND, THE COPILOT ASKED THE PILOT
 HOW THE "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" SIGN HELPED THEIR POSITION.

 THE PILOT RESPONDED, "I KNEW THAT HAD TO BE THE MICROSOFT
 BUILDING BECAUSE, SIMILAR TO THEIR HELP-LINES, THEY GAVE ME
 A TECHNICALLY CORRECT BUT COMPLETELY USELESS ANSWER ."


Subj:     Short Pilot Jokes

Top
Subj:     Two Letters About A F-16 Flyby (s552c)
          From: ginafm on 8/13/2007
Photo from Flickr.com
 Luke Air Force Base is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being
 surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise
 from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there
 long before they were.  A certain lieutenant colonel at
 Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.  Apparently, an
 individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the
 local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that
 disturbed his/her day at the mall.  When that individual
 read the response from a Luke AFB officer, I hope it stung
 quite a bit.  You can read the two letters by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Pilot And Navigator Talk (S506c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/5/2006
 A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
 He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked
 the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"   The
 navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"  The pilot
 responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

 The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic
 and place it on his chart table.  The pilot asked, "What's
 that for?"  "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll
 know we're lost before you will."
 

Top
Subj:     Times You Have To Trust Your Pilot (S544)
          From: jbcary1 on 6/19/2007
 These five photos show you the times you just have to
 trust your pilot.  Click 'HERE' to view the pictures.
 

Top
Subj:     Three Old Pilots (S305)
          From: kmacinty on 12/5/2002
 Three old pilots walking on the ramp, first
 one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

 Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

 Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
 

Top
Subj:     Young Foolish Pilot (S185 - From: PILOT)
          From: JOELFALLON on 8/11/00
 A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
 frequencies.  So, this was his first time approaching a field
 during darkness.  Instead of making any official requests to
 the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

 The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
 "Guess where!"
 

 Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured,
   they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for
   escape.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

From: auntieg on 98-11-14
 The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
 Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the round, the .50 caliber
 machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded
 into the fuselage.  If the  pilots fired all their ammo at a target,
 it got "the whole 9 yards."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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..............................Pilot from Smiley_Central.
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