Subj: Pilot Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 29 1029n,8,cf,wXT1a,6)
Click "Here" for Pilot-Supp
Big Daddy's Animations
Also see ARABS file - 'Two
Terrorists Get Visas'
BIG-CATS - 'Shade'
BIRDS file - 'The Penguin Game'
MAILMAN_ETC - 'Flying Dream'
PLANE1 file - 'USAF Squawks'
......................- 'Plane Hired To Fly Over Fire'
......................- 'Pilot Speaks With Mike Open'
......................- 'Pilot Speaks With Mike Open II'
......................- (see whole file)
PLANE2 file - 'The General And The Screaming Kid'
......................- 'What Time Is It?'
......................- 'All Female Flight Crew'
......................- 'Pilot Lands At Secret Base'
POLICE1 file - 'Defective Radar'
SAILOR-MARINE- 'Blue Angels - Cockpit Footage'
......................- 'Blue Angels w/On Board Cameras In HD'
SHIPS file - 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.1' - Video
......................- 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.2' - Video
.........SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Wisdom - From The Military'
STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story One' in NonJokes
Subj: TOP GUN Tower Flyby (S956d)
From: Tony Bauer on Facebook
.Click 'HERE' to learn about the tower flyby in Top Gun movie.
Who Packed Your Parachutes - PPS (S555)
From: darrellvip on 9/7/2007
(Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes' below)
This PowerPoint Show is about
Charles Plumb. He was a Navy
pilot who was shot down during the Vietnam War and spent 6
years as a prisoner of war. Now he lectures throughout the
nation and many foreign countries. He has appeared to CBS
Morning News, The Today Show, Larry King Live, and many
others. Click 'HERE' to see this great show.
True story as related on many
web pages like
Subj: F-16 And C-130 Pilots Show-Off (S506b)
From: hellgunner50 on 9/27/2006
A C-130 was flying on a mission
when a cocky F-16 pilot
flew up next to him. The fighter jock told the C-130
pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb! He then finished with a sonic
boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked
the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That
was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the
C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled,
"I stood up, stretched my legs,
walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of
coffee and a sweet roll."
Subj: Plane Needs Latrine Pumped (S472, S636c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/2/2006
and From: tom on 3/11/2009
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled
to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check,
he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full
from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and
an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to
the air base and makes his way
to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck
has been left out doors and is frozen solid, so he must find
another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He
returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about
what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping
job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk
As he's leaving the plane, the
pilot stops him and says, "Son,
your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be
late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not
just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task
finished, he takes a deep
breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,
I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave,
and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temper-
ature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit
out of aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did
you have in mind?"
Subj: The New Stewardesses (DU)
Subj: Pilot School On Sublimation (S441b)
From: The Joje Station on 7/10,2005
Some time ago, I was taking a
ground school class for private
pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted
to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from
a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g.,
frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces
without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had
understood the concept, the
instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of some-
thing that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting
"dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown section of my
mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
It took the instructor about
10 minutes to regain an academic
Subj: Flying With A US Fighter Pilot (S348b, S585c)
From: FridaySilliness on 8/15/2003
and From: rfslick on 4/5/2008
Biff and the Airplane by Rick Reily, "Sports Illustrated"
"Now this message for America's
most famous athletes: Someday
you may be invited to flyin the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already
have:John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.
If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest
sincerity. Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own
death! Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy
invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was
toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be
Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top
Gun named Chip (Biff) King
looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue
eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake ... the
kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure
time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff
King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years
the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting
..."Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter
each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded
by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
||Biff was to fly me in
an F-14D Tomcat,
a ridiculously powerful $60 million
weapon with nearly as much thrust as
weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting air sick,
so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should
eat the nextmorning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they
taste about the same coming up
as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the
tarmac, I had on my flight suit
with my name sewn over the leftbreast. (No call sign like
Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot but, still, very cool.) I carried
my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If
ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was
A fighter pilot named Psycho
gave me a safety briefing and then
fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would
"egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be
immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about
aborting the flight,the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave
the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up
at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another
Those 20 minutes were the rush
of my life. Unfortunately, the
ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six
Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap
rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again,
sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed
of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we
did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which
is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night
before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk
Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite.
Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want
to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out.
Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one
point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a
mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a
tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was
the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was
Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
or Norman making a five-ironbite. But now I really know cool.
Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon
nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black
book, but I'm glad Biff does everyday, and for less a year than
a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins
finally stopped, Biff called. He
said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said
he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
To get another perspective on
fighter pilot's thinking, click
'HERE' for a very cool picture.
Subj: US Air Force Needs More Recruits (S314)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/4/2003
The chief of staff of the US
Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all
of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base
that will be opened and that all eligible young men and
women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing
near a brand new F-15
Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had
just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up
to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out
his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young
man and asked, "Son, what
skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited,
turns to his aide and says,
"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do
The aide hustles the young man
off. The general looks at
the second young man and asked, "What skills do you bring
to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we
don't need wood choppers
in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general,
"you are not listening to
me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes
and says, "So what! I have to
chop it before he can pile it!"
Subj: Australian Pilot Standards (S298b)
From: jerry on 9/30/2002
The Australian Federal Attorney
General's Department has
ruled that blind and mentally disabled people can not be
barred from becoming airline pilots or air traffic
controllers because doing so breaches anti-discrimination
laws. This means that pilots, flight navigators, flight
engineers and air traffic controllers will no longer have
to pass eye and hearing tests and can have other medical
conditions that could affect safety.
The Civil Aviation Safety Authority
has filed an "urgent"
application to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity
Commission for an exemption from the Sex and Disability
Discrimination Acts, for obvious reasons. "Without
[enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to
guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't
guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs,"
they say, rather obviously, at least to some people.
The Daily Telegraph (Australia) 27-Sep-02
Subj: Redneck Pilots (S284b)
From: Cypriot on 7/12/2002
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PILOT IF ...
... Your stall warning plays "Dixie".
... Your cross country flight
plan uses flea markets
... You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
... You've ever used moonshine as AvGas.
... You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
... You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
... The side of your airplane
has a sign advertising
your septic tank service.
... You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... You think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight".
... You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy".
... Your matched set of luggage
is three grocery bags
from the Piggly Wiggly.
... You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side.
... You've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.
... You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.
... You have more than one roll
of duct tape holding
your cowling together.
... Your preflight includes removing
all of the clover,
grass, and wheat from your landing gear.
... You figure the weight of
the mud and manure on your
airplane into the CG calculations.
... You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
... You've never landed at an
actual airport though you've
been flying for years.
... You've ground looped after hitting a cow.
... You consider anything over
100" AGL to be high
... There are parts of your airplane labeled "John Deere".
... You've never actually seen
a sectional but have all
of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.
... You answer all radio calls
from females with, "That's
a big 10-4 little darlin'".
... There's exhaust residue on
the right side of your
aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
... You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.
... You use your parachute to cover your plane.
... You've ever landed on the
main street of town to get
a cup of coffee.
... You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
... You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
... Some of your favorite navigation
aids have things
like "Seniors 96" hand painted on them.
... The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.
... Your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.
... You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
... You put hay in the baggage
compartment so your dogs
don't get cold.
... Your flight instructor's
day job is at the community
... You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.
... There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
... There is a brown stained
Styrofoam cup strategically
placed in your glove box.
... The FAA still thinks you live at your parents' house.
... You think Zulu is an African time zone.
... Your hanger collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.
... Somewhere on your airplane
is a "I'd rather be
fishing" bumper sticker.
... You navigate with your ADF
tuned to exclusively
... When you go to the airport
cafe, they hand you
biscuits and gravy instead of a menu.
... You think that an ultralight
is a new sissy beer
... Just before the crash, everybody
at the airport
heard you say, "Hey, y'all watch this!!"
Subj: Who's Packing Your Parachute (S274d)
From: mjsally on 1/16/2002
(Also see 'Who Packed Your Parachutes' above)
Charles Plumb was a U.S. Navy
jet pilot in Vietnam. After
75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-
to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy
hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist
Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now
lectures on lessons learned from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife
were sitting in a
restaurant, a man at another table came up and said,
"You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the
aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.
"I packed your parachute," the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and
gratitude. The man pumped
his hand and said, "I guess it worked!"
Plumb assured him, "It sure did.
If your chute hadn't
worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night,
thinking about that man.
Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he might have looked
like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back,
and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I
might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning,
how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a
fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."
Plumb thought of the many hours
the sailor had spent on
a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully
weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute,
holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he
Now, Plumb asks his audience,
"Who's packing your
parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what
they need to make it through the day. Plumb also points
out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his
plane was shot down over enemy territory-he needed his
physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional
parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on
all these supports before reaching safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges
that life gives us, we
miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello,
please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something
wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment,
or just do something nice for no reason.
As you go through this week,
this month, this year,
recognize people who pack your parachute. I am sending
you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing
my parachute !!! And I hope you will send it on to
those who have helped pack yours!
Sometimes, we wonder why friends
keep forwarding jokes to
us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When
you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess
what you do - --you forward jokes.
And to let you know that you
are still remembered, you are
still important, you are still loved, you are still cared
for, guess what you get ? --- A forwarded joke.
So my friend, next time if you
get a joke, don't think that
been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been
thought of today and your friend on the other end of your
computer wanted to send a smile.
Subj: F-15 and C-130 Pilots Argue (S232)
From: thebartend on 7/5/2001
A couple of F-15's are escorting
a C-130 Hercules, and their
pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their
The fighter pilots contend that
their airplanes were better
because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry,
and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in
After taking this for a while,
the C-130 pilot says, "Oh
yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that
you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick
retort. And so they watch.
But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight
and level. After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes
back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the
fighter pilots reply, "What
are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Hercules pilot replies,
"Well, I got up, stretched
my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and
took a leak."
Subj: Take Your Child To Work Day (S399b)
Source: (Removed from gutterville.co.za)
Subj: Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing (S210, S632b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/1/2001
and From: allenbergman on 2/12/2009
During a taxi run, the crew of
a US AIR flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed,
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop
right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference
between C's ? D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the
embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything;
it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there
and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes,
Ma'am". The ground
control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air
crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her
current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport
was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the
silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Subj: Pilot-Control Tower Exchanges (S303b, S538b)
From: RFSlick on 11/21/2002
and From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long
roll out after landing
with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower:
"American 751 heavy, turn right
at the end of the runway,
if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft : "I'm fucking
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft : "I said I was fucking bored,
not fucking stupid!"
Tower : "Eastern 702, cleared
for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of
dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared
for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Continental 635: "Continental
635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already
notified our caterers......"
O'Hare Approach Control: "United
329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer
waiting for start clearance
in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground,
what is our start
Ground (in English): "If you
want an answer you must
Lufthansa (in English): "I am
a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10
abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait,
it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to
find a new pilot."
Subj: The Greatest Pilot in WWII (S187)
From: thebartend on 08/29/2000
It seems that a young man volunteered
for military service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation
that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station skipping
The very first day at Pensacola
he solos and is the best flier
on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings
and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took
off and single-handedly shot
down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he
found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting
low, he descended, circled
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed
out and jogged over to the
captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do
on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed
politely, and replied, "You
make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
Subj: Frankdurt Traffic Controllers (S107, S349)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
and From: DoctorDebt on 10/7/2003
The German air traffic controllers
at Frankfurt Airport were
a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know
your parking location but how to get there without any
assistance from them. It was with some amusement that we
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after
Speedbird 206: "Good morning
Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgen, Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground,
I'm looking up the gate
Ground (with typical impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you
NEVER flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't stop."
Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21
and From: virv on 3/20/2012 (S95, S792)
You can read this wonderful story by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: ATC Humour
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
These were given to me by a friend
who's an Air Traffic Controller ...
they are actual transmissions between pilots and ATC at O'Hare Airport.
Pilot: "Approach, how far from the
airport are we?"
ATC: "N923, the faster you go the quicker you'll get here."
ATC: "Air Force Four-Five,
it appears your engine has... oh, disregard...
I see you've already ejected."
Pilot: "The first officer says he's
got you in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27..
you continue on that 180 heading and descend to 3000 feet."
Pilot: "Approach, what's the tower?"
(*meaning tower frequency)
ATC: "That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not
important right now."
Pilot: "How far behind traffic are
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile
and a half from you... that's three miles."
ATC: "The traffic at 9
o'clock is gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC: "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."
Pilot: "I can see the country club
down below... looks like there's a lot of
controllers out today!"
ATC: "Yes sir, there are ... they're caddying for DC-10 pilots like you."
Subj: A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot (S20, S538b)
From: bmd on 97-06-11
and From: Grampsboyd on 1/30/2004
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha
were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year
Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that
theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know
Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha,
I'm 71 yeahs old, if I
don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy,
that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs
is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and
says " Folks, I'll make you
a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't
charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go....
the pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard,
he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come
to a stop and says "By
golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was
gonna say something when
Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Subj: Blind Airline Pilots (S22, S477b)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2006
A commercial airline jet was
sitting at the airport waiting
for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive. Just as the passengers
started to really get restless, the airline announced that
the pilot and co-pilot had just gotten in and were on their
The pair came in through the
rear door and started making
their way up through the plane. The passengers began
whispering amongst each other when it became apparent that
the pilot and co-pilot were looking very blind. Both of
them kept making their way toward the cockpit, tapping
their red and white sticks against anything in their path.
The co-pilot even had a seeing-eye dog pulling him along
the aisles. After they sat down at the cockpit, the
passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes
about the safety of the flight.
The engines revved up and the
plane began taxiing over to
the runway. By this time a few passengers were craning
their necks, trying to see into the cockpit to see what
the pilots were up to. When they approached the runway,
the engines grew louder and louder as the plane went
faster and faster down the runway. Then the plane
actually went past the take off speed, but the plane still
was racing down the runway.
The passengers were really nervous
as the end of the
runway drew too close for comfort. The passengers began
screaming as the end looked near. Just as the plane
looked like it was going to crash off the runway, the
plane suddenly took off and began its ascent.
After the plane was at a safe
altitude, the co-pilot
looked at the pilot and said, "You know, one of these
days they aren't going to scream, and then how are we
going to know?"
Subj: Pierre The Fighter Pilot (S120, S366b)
From: The Bartender on 07/05/97 and 1/26/2004
and From: DrRibeiro on 5/21/99
Pierre, a brave French fighter
pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a
beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre
and says "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and
splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?",
says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre
the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her
blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all
over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?',
asks the bewildered Marie. "I am
Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have
white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things
really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
"Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs
a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match
and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into
the river. Standing waist deep, she
throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN
THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly,
and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Subj: Pilot Engaged To Two Ladies
One was named Edith; the other
named Kate. They met,
discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get
out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't
have your Kate and Edith, too."
Subj: Lost pilot Askes Directions
(Also see 'Two men in a hot air balloon' in MATH2 file)
A HELICOPTER WAS FLYING AROUND
ABOVE SEATTLE YESTERDAY WHEN
AN ELECTRICAL MALFUNCTION DISABLED ALL OF THE AIRCRAFT'S
ELECTRONIC NAVIGATION ? COMMUNICATIONS EQUIPMENT. DUE TO
THE CLOUDS AND THE HAZE, THE PILOT COULD NOT DETERMINE THE
COPTER'S POSITION AND COURSE TO STEER TO THE AIRPORT .
THE PILOT SAW A TALL BUILDING,
FLEW TOWARDS IT , CIRCLED,
DREW A HANDWRITTEN SIGN AND HELD IT IN THE COPTER'S WINDOW.
THE PILOT'S SIGN READ, "WHERE AM I?" IN LARGE LETTERS .
PEOPLE IN THE TALL BUILDING QUICKLY
RESPONDED TO THE
AIRCRAFT, DREW A LARGE SIGN AND HELD IT IN A BUILDING
WINDOW . THEIR SIGN READ, " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER ".
THE PILOT SMILED , WAVED, LOOKED
AT HIS MAP, DETERMINED
THE COURSE TO STEER TO SEATTLE AIRPORT, AND LANDED SAFELY .
AFTER THEY WERE ON THE GROUND,
THE COPILOT ASKED THE PILOT
HOW THE "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" SIGN HELPED THEIR POSITION.
THE PILOT RESPONDED, "I KNEW
THAT HAD TO BE THE MICROSOFT
BUILDING BECAUSE, SIMILAR TO THEIR HELP-LINES, THEY GAVE ME
A TECHNICALLY CORRECT BUT COMPLETELY USELESS ANSWER ."
Subj: Short Pilot Jokes
Two Letters About A F-16 Flyby (s552c)
From: ginafm on 8/13/2007
Photo from Flickr.com
Subj: Pilot And Navigator Talk (S506c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/5/2006
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked
the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The
navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot
responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded
to pull out a .45 automatic
and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's
that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll
know we're lost before you will."
Times You Have To Trust Your Pilot (S544)
From: jbcary1 on 6/19/2007
These five photos show you the times you just have to
Subj: Three Old Pilots (S305)
From: kmacinty on 12/5/2002
Three old pilots walking on the ramp, first
one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets
go get a beer."
Subj: Young Foolish Pilot (S185 - From: PILOT)
From: JOELFALLON on 8/11/00
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field
during darkness. Instead of making any official requests to
the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field
lights off and replied:
Playing cards were issued to
British pilots in WWII. If captured,
they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the round, the .50 caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded
into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,
it got "the whole 9 yards."
..............................Pilot from Smiley_Central.