Subj: Police-Supp Jokes
(Includes 49 jokes and articles, 20923,33,cf,md4w,35)
Click "Here" for Police-Supp2
Police with Wistle
The Super Cop (S709b,d)
Imagine the world's greatest
cop facing three bank robbers.
Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this
silly, cute video.
Subj: Retired Gentleman Stopped By Police (S727)
From: darrellvip on 12/21/2010
A retired gentleman is stopped
by the police around 1 AM
and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The
man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that
lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Hamilton Police Shooting Video (S697b,d)
From: tom on 5/26/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
Dashboard video from a January
traffic stop in Hamilton,
Montana. The Hamilton Police Officer, Ross Jessop, pulls
over a car driven by Raymond Thane Davis. Officer Jessop
asks a few questions. Davis pulls a gun on the officer,
pointing it inches from Jessop's face and pulling the
trigger. You can hear the click of the revolvers hammer
hitting a previously fired round on the tape. Davis then
fires a shot at Officer Jessop.
The second round was live, but
Officer Jessop had since
recovered and made a strategic move to the rear of the
vehicle, buying more time and a much more advantageous
position for a firefight. He tossed his flashlight so
he could use both hands for better gun control, and
opened fire on the suspect as he sped away. His aim
looked very controlled, and was obviously very much in
the ballpark. The suspect was hit at least once, crashed
into a power pole, and was declared dead at the scene.
A coroners jury ruled Tuesday
that Hamilton Police Officer
Ross Jessop was justified in shooting Raymond Thane Davis
to death after the Hamilton man opened fire during the late
night traffic stop in January.
It took the six-woman jury one
hour to make its ruling
following nearly five hours of testimony, which included a
videotape that showed Davis pointing a pistol inches from
Jessops face and pulling the trigger.
Click on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this
all too real fifty-six second video.
Feds' Deconfliction (S695b,d)
This is a funny clip about different
members of our
national security going after a "Terrorist." Click
on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this all-to-real video.
The 23 Most Recent Arrests In Your City (S681b)
From: rdobry on 1/27/2010
Drawing from LABLaughsAdult
Click on the above source for
the 23 most recent arrest
records in your city for free and a map of the crime locations.
Subj: Police Harassment In Chula Vista (S675)
From: allenbergman on 12/24/2009
Recently, the Chula Vista, California
ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange)
with the topic being, "Community Policing."
One of the civilian e-mail participants
following question, "I would like to know how it is
possible for police officers to continually harass
people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law
enforcement side) Sgt.
Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you
this... it's not easy.
In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people.
Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or
what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most
of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing
departments that do not allow them contact with the day
to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth
of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for
harassing people while the rest are off duty. So
roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about
5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial
business, and tourist locations that attract people
from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or
more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift
runs 36,000 seconds
long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person,
and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut
AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an
easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.
What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down
those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up
and point out things that
cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.
"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used
often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some
Another popular one: "There's
a guy breaking into a
house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned
to harass people who
drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars,
cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the
like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic
for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Some-
times you get to really heap the harassment on when you
find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have
an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off
running just at the sight
of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as
running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.
When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have
PHONES or CARS and have
nothing better to do, there are actually books that give
us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called
"Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...
They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can
really mess with people. After you read the statute,
you can just drive around for awhile until you find some-
one violating one of these listed offenses and harass
them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car.
Well, there's this book we have that says that's not
allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy.
It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works
pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of
folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because
for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the
streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some
Next time you are in my town,
give me the old "single
finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It
means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites.
Underwear Cops (S575c,d)
From: rfslick on 1/18/2008
Subj: Lawyer Runs A Stop Sign (S608b)
From: tom on 9/1/2008
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and
gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because
he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a
better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't
come to a complete stop at the
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete
stop, Says the deputy.
License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to
come to complete stop, that's
the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show
me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't
give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please
exit your vehicle, sir,' the
At this point, the deputy takes
out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want
me to stop, or just slow down?'
Police Stop A DUI (S501d)
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
Dashboard Camera (S582c,d)
From: tom on 3/11/2008
This video from a police car's
dashboard camera is cute.
In it the officer fails to set his car break properly.
Click 'HERE' to view it.
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
Dashboard Camera II (S617c,d)
From: gattica30 on 11/1/2008
and From: tom on 11/5/2008
The original title of this video
was "How to turn a
speeding ticket into jail time." Click 'HERE' to
Subj: Sixteen Police Comments (S533)
From: rfslick on 4/10/2007
Sixteen Police Comments were
taken off actual police car
videos around the country
#16 "You know, stop lights don't
come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are
tight because they're new,
they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off
the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than
1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll
be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast
you were going? I guess
that means I can write anything I want to on the
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to
the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want
a warning? O.K., I'm warning
you not to do that again or I'll give you another
#8 "The answer to this last
question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a
cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me
to be fair? Listen, fair is
a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton
candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas
anymore. We used to,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief
(of Police) Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who
can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give
pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
Officer Stops Traffic For Ducks
on 5/24/2008 (S592b,d)
Raw video: Lakewood Police Officer
Dustin Carrell stopped
traffic on westbound SR-512 Monday morning near I-5 to
help a mother duck and her ducklings safely cross the road.
You can view the video at the above source, or on my site
by clicking 'HERE'.
The "Most Wanted" List Explained (S614b)
From: gattica30 on 10/13/2008
Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
Little Johnny's kindergarten
class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked
to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't
you keep him when you took
Secret Service Code Names (S617)
From: CKButch4Femme on 11/5/2008
Photo from ZTEKnologies.com
This article from the Washington
Post, written during
the primaries, explains the use of "Code Names" used by
the Secret Service to protect the President and the
presidential candidates. Click 'HERE' and learn how
President-Elect Barack Obama got the tag: "Renegade."
Subj: Wyoming State Police Story (S519)
From: jokes on 12/22/2006
In most of the northern states,
there is a policy of checking
on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures
drop down to single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning,
a state police officer
responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the
road outside Casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow,
and with the engine still running.
Pulling in behind the car with
his emergency lights on, the
officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man
passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle
on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating lights in
his rearview mirror, and the
state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked.
He jerked the gearshift into
'drive' and hit the gas. The
car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but
it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
The policeman, having a sense
of humor, began running in
place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The
driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually
keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then
the officer yelled at the man to 'Pull over!'
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from
Casper was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the state patrolman who
could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says policemen don't have a sense of humor?
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
You can read the same story in
a newspaper article
by clicking 'HERE'.
The Copper Clapper Caper (S485d, S743)
From: LABLaughsClean (in Quotes-Comed-Supp)
This is the excellent Tonight
Show skit done by Jack Webb and
Johnny Carson in 1968. You can view it at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Police Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags (S502)
From: darrell94590 on 9/7/2006
A little old lady is walking
down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a
hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops
her... "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little
old lady.... "I'd better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says
the cop. "How did you get
all that money? "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little
old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!
"So, I go and stand behind the
bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs
the cop. "OK, good luck. By
the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
Subj: Carjackers Couldn't Drive Manual (S626b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/8/2009
KANSAS CITY, Mo., Nov. 18 (UPI)
-- Police in Kansas City, Mo.,
said attempted carjackers were forced to abort their theft
when the vehicle turned out to have a manual transmission.
Investigators said two males,
an adult and a juvenile,
approached a woman sitting in her car outside of a store
at about 11 p.m. Monday and one of the suspects pointed a
gun at the woman, The Kansas City (Mo.) Star reported.
||The suspects ordered the
woman to hand over her
cell phone and exit the car, police said. However,
officers said the suspects exited the car quickly
after attempting to drive off because they were
unable to work the manual transmission.
Photo from DumbCriminals.com
Subj: Suspect Shocks Officer w/Own Taser (S496b)
From: jerry on 7/23/2006
FLORENCE, S.C. - Steve Lee Menius, 30, was arrested at his
home Tuesday after police arrived with a warrant for violating
While being driven to the Darlington
County jail in the back
of the police car, Menius managed to get his hands out of his
handcuffs and tried to climb in the front seat, Hartsville
Police Chief Tim Kemp said.
During the struggle, Menius grabbed
the officer's Taser and
shocked him, Kemp said. The officer pulled to the side of
the road and got out of the cruiser to continue to fight with
Menius, who then jumped back inside the car and drove off,
Police chased Menius briefly,
and he was arrested again when
he jumped from the cruiser after a train blocked his way,
police said. Menius has also been charged with assaulting
a law enforcement officer and failing to stop for a blue light.
Police Shooting (S628b,d)
From: allenbergman on 1/20/2009
This looks like a police training
video, but it is still
interesting to compare what we see to what is actually
Watch the video and what do you
see! Officers ordering
the suspect to put the gun down and it appears he is
complying and then shot! Is that what you see? Why
would they shoot him after he put the gun down? Maybe
the other officer came around the corner and didn't hear
the cop telling him to put the gun down? Now click 'HERE'
and see the video.
Subj: Drug Theft Gone Wrong (S493, S638c)
From: darrell94590 on 7/6/2006
and From: gattica30 on 3/30/2009
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
When Nathan Radlich's house was
burgled, thieves left his
TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take
was "generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white
powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale
police said "that it
looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd
hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of
the TV cameras and pleaded
with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of
my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled
corpse of a drug
dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's
ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie
sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister.
This is a wonderful story rewritten
from an urban legend. To
read the original true story go to Snopes.com at
3 Ways To Fail A Drunk Test (S668d)
Click on the above source, or
for my file, to see
these three drunks fail their tests. Viewer beware, the
third test is a bit liquidy in nature.
Orange County Police Pursuit (S770d)
From: Treasures Once Lost
RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, Calif.
-- On Friday, April 10, 2009
the Long Beach police received a call of a woman screaming.
When officers arrived, a woman attempted to ram the police
vehicle three times and started the pursuit on city streets.
After a brief chase through Long
Beach, the woman got on the
22 Freeway. CHP officers took over the pursuit that spanned
over four freeways, including the eastbound 91 and southbound
At one point, the suspect drove
onto a grassy area off the
southbound 241 toll road, drove in circles, drove in the wrong
directions, and even got out of the car to gesture at officers.
Police attempted to stop the
car with a pit maneuver, causing
the Scion to spin out, but the driver kept going, despite the
bumper falling off.
After nearly hour-long high speed
pursuit at times topped
100 miles an hour, police were able to box the car in with
patrol cars on the 241 at Oso Parkway in Rancho Santa Margarita.
Click on Source1, or 'HERE'
for my copy to see a very cute
fifty-seven second version of the pursuit. Or click on
Source2 to see the seven minute full version of the arrest.
Subj: Short Police Jokes
Staying Cool On The Job (S696b)
Traffic Stop On Elderly Lady (S776,cf,md4,2)
From: Tom on 11/14/2013
Drawing from CartoonStock.com...
Benicia Herald Police Blotter (S676,cf,md4,11)
From: Phone calls to Benicia Police Dept.
Police blotter from Cleveland.com
Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy
From: johnpatten on 10/26/2009 (S668)
Photo from MPRNewsQ...
Taking A Picture Scam (S659b)
From: gattica30 on 8/27/2009
Photo from OnProductionManagement.net
6-Year-Old Crashes Car (S629c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/12/2009
Photo from WashingtonPost...
Betting With Weed (S626b,d)
From YouTube.com on 1/8/2009
Photo from YouTube.com
Man Kills Self With Chain Saw
on 10/1/2008 (S612c)
Awesome New Radar System (S595b,d)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/12/2008
Photo from YouTube
Son Of A Bitch (S581b)
Woman Fights Robber, Cops Have to Rescue Him! (S577b,d)
Redneck Lawnmower Beer Run (S576b)
From: AFine963 (in Redneck-supp)
Steve's Second Lawnmower DUI (S633c)
From: tom (in Redneck-supp)
In 2005 Steve got arrested for
drunk lawnmower driving.
You can watch this video by clicking on the above story.
Old Marijuana Sign (S548b)
Negotiations - Japanese Style (S529 in Asian)
Subj: Police Find Body In Park (S527)
From: darrell94590 on 2/25/2007
Today local police found a man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls,
Wrinkly Ass and a Small Wiener.
Let me know if you're OK.
This first video will give you
an introduction that was aired
on a news program at http://www.peiferlock.com/alert-bump-keys.htm
This second video is from a company
who will sell you a key to
open any lock of a certain kind for about $3.00
This third video is a one hour
movie which explains why bumping
works (Removed from ConnectMedia.waag.org)
I verified that lock bumping
is a real threat at Snopes.com
A Good Answer By Sheriff Judd (S575)
.............................From darrell94590 on 4/17/06