>>>
Subj:     Police1 Jokes
                 (Includes 32 jokes and articles, 23 1006,8,cf,wXT2a3b,4)

Policeman  from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  'Coffee Scene' In Dirty Harry IV Movie (S1006)
.........................CHP Stops Fred (S451b, S872)
.........................Defective Radar (S646b)
.........................Chris Rock On Police Ass Kicking - Video (S472)
.........................Police Officer Drives By School (S399)
.........................Female Officer Forgets Panties (S313b)
.........................Secret Superman - Painting (S917)
.........................Police Officer Comes Home Early (S98)
.........................Getting A Parking Ticket (S291, S588)
.........................Traffic Tickets (S90)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S959)
.........................Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! (S87)
.........................Wife Reports Missing Husband (S83)
.........................HP Hits Guy In Head
.........................Taken Down The Evidence - Cartoon (S387)
.........................K-9 Unit Responds To Burglary (S147)
.........................Demonstration Of Police Dog Work
.........................Speed Trap With No Speeders (S209)
.........................Sheriff Finds Three Bodies (S184)
.........................Robbing The Wrong Diner - Glock Ad (S958)
.........................Three CIA Applicants (S190, S522)
.........................Police, And The Drunk They Can't Test (S163)
.........................Policeman And The Designated Drunk (S10, S366)
.........................Double Parker And The Cop
.........................Homeland Security Internet Tracking (S449)
.........................Police Pull Over Husband, And Wife Tells All (S290)
.........................Police Pull Over Driver (S282b)
.........................Man Tries To Outrun A Cop (S83, S686b)
.........................Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop (S23, S549c)
.........................Drunk In Parking Lot
.........................The Drunk And The Police Car (S418b)
.........................FBI Orders Pizza (S50)
.........................CHP Officer Stops Woman (S209, S474)
.........................Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b)

Also see ALLIGATOR    - 'Taking Your Alligator For A Drive'
         ACCIDENT1    - 'Rudy The Cat And The Kitchen Sink'
......................- 'Bizarre Forensic Case'
......................- 'Crime Never Pays'
         ACCIDENTS2   - 'A New Drug Children have Discovered'
         ARKANSAS file- 'Man Arrested For Sex w/Dog'
         ASIAN file   - 'Elections In India'
.........ASIAN-CHINESE- 'NCIS Chinese Fortune'
.........AUSTRALIAN   - 'Australian Gun Control'
         BALLS file   - 'Man Arrested For Sexual Assault'
         BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
         BANKING-SUPP2- 'Bank Robbery Gone Wrong!' - Videos
         BARBER file  - 'Free Haircuts'
         BIRDS file   - 'Police Burn Marijuana Crop'
         BIRD-DUCKS   - 'Cock Fighting In Louisiana'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Pulled Over By Highway Patrol'
......................- 'Blonde Stopped By Cop'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
         CANADIAN file- 'Identity Thieves Steal House'
         CARS2 file   - 'Bird Hits Car Winshield'
......................- 'Protester Sits In Street'
......................- 'Guy Gets Help During Car Sex'
......................- 'Granny Stops Car Thieves'
         CARS-SUPP3   - 'Speed Checked By Radar' - Sign
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Kid Gets Bike For Christmas'
         CLOTHING file- 'Tide Gets The Stains Out'
         COLLEGE1 file- 'UCF Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Burgular Dies'
......................- 'Cadet Stabs Fellow Cadet'
         DATING1 file - 'Policeman Checks Parked Couple'
         DOG2 file    - 'Cute Police Bloodhound Photo'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'A Redneck And His Dog'
         DRINKING     - 'Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault''
         FACTS5 file  - 'Teens Rob Bus'
......................- 'Two Sheriffs Arrest Diabetic'
......................- 'Doctor Gets Speeding Ticket'
......................- 'Better Education Would Outlaw Stupid Crooks'
......................- 'Blowing Up The Family Car'
         FARNER1 file - 'Farmer And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
         FAT file     - 'New Police Cars For Mexican City'
         FISHING2 file- 'Wife Dies While Scuba Diving'
         FUNERAL file - 'Mortician At His Class Reunion'
         GOLF3 file   - 'Golf Gun Murder'
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch'
         HEADLINES-SUP- 'Assailant Suffers Injuries From Fall'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Patrolman Has Operation'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Drunk Irishman Has His Car Stolen'
         ITALIAN file - 'Driving While Italian' - Video
         LATIN_AMERICA- 'Man Robs Buenos Aires Gas Station 100 Times'
         LIES file    - 'Officer Pulls Over Guy For Speeding'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Marrying A Younger Woman'
         MATH4-SUPP   - 'PUZZLE - Space Patrol'
         MOVIES2-SUPP - 'NCIS - Gibbs Rules' - Video
......................- 'NCIS Funny Moments Part 3' Video
         NATIONAL2    - 'Joe Friday Lectures Youth' - Video
         NUDIST file  - 'Drivers Kill Farmer's Chickens'
......................- 'Policeman Breaks Up Women's Party in Israel'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Car Load Of Nuns Pulled Over By Policeman'
         PENIS1 file  - 'The Voodoo Dick'
......................- 'Canadian Sex Criminals'
         PENIS3 file  - 'Police Officer's Deadly Shot'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'Telemarketer Nightmare' - Radio
         PLANE2 file  - 'Police Dog On A Commercial Flight'
         POLIT-SUPP2  - 'A Career In Organized Crime'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope Drives A Car'
         PREACHER     - 'Minister Parks Illegally'
         PRISON file  - 'America's Toughest Sheriff'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Pscyhology Test'
         PUSSY-SUPP   - 'Driving And Shaving Just Don't Mix'
         RABBIT file  - 'CIA, FBI, And LAPD Go Rabbit Hunting'
         REDNECK3     - 'Rednecks Calls FBI About Marijuana'
         SEX file     - 'My Name's Friday'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Arrested'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Scottish Breathaliser'
         TRAIN file   - 'Hiding In The Train Bathroom'
         WEDD-HNMN    - 'Honeymooners Receive Two Tickets'
.........WOMENBETTER  - 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands'
......................- 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands II'
         WORD JOKES2  - 'Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed'

============================================================Top
Subj:     'Coffee Scene' In Dirty Harry IV (S1006)
          From: Ken Krob on Facebook on 4/23/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/qoXDzsuqXFg
.
.......
.
.......Click 'HERE' to see Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry.
.
.
Top
Subj:     CHP Stops Fred (S451b, S872)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/4/2005
      and From: AFine963 on 9/20/2013

 A California Highway Patrol Officer stopped a car for traveling
 faster than the posted speed limit.  Since he's in a good mood
 that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write
 him out a warning instead of a ticket.  So, he asks the man his
 name.

 "Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred,"
 the man responds.

 When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him
 that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks
 he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

 "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

 The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
 Fred Dingaling.  I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to
 tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and
 got good grades.

 When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
 through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally
 got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.  After a while I got
 bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry
 was my dream.  Got all the way through school, got my degree so I
 was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I
 started fooling around with my assistant.  She gave me VD. So, I
 was Fred Dingaling , MD, DDS with VD.

 Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so
 I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.  Then the AMA found out about
 the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away
 my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.  Then the VD took
 away my Dingaling, So now I'm just Fred."

 The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard and tore
 up the ticket.

Top
Subj:     Defective Radar (S646b)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/30/2009

 Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for speeding cars
 with there mobile radar equipment when their equipment
 appeared to malfunction; it began to clock a speeder at
 300 mph....

 All was revealed a few seconds later when a low flying
 Harrier jumpjet screamed over head.

 Police registered a complaint regarding damaged radar
 equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defence).  The MOD
 replied that the damage could have been worse: the Harrier's
 defence systems had latched onto the radar and had gone
 into an automatic pre-emptive strike mode before the pilot
 decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlilkely along
 the motorways of northern England...

Top
Subj:     Chris Rock On Police Ass Kicking (S472d)
          From: htharvey.on 1/30/2006 (in Black1 file)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/uj0mtxXEGE8

 Very funny Chris Rock video on preventing police
 ass kickings.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Police Officer Drives By School (S399)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/24/2004

 An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed
 checking equipment, drove through a school zone within
 the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera
 went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

 The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
 again; even more slowly.  Another flash. He did it again
 for a third time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.
 So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
 department and tell them that their machine wasn't
 working properly.

 A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received
 an envelope from the police department containing three
 traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a
 seat belt.

Top
Subj:     Female Officer Forgets Panties (S313b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/25/2003

 Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned
 to walk the beat.  They had only been out a short while
 when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning
 after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put
 on my panties!  We have to go back to the station to get
 them."

 George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the
 K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for
 you."

 It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to
 the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's
 nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

 After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he
 sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the
 station house.

 Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

 Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

 Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

 Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
 The sirens get louder and louder.  Suddenly, followed by a
 dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
 Sergeant's crotch in his mouth.

Top
Subj:     Secret Superman (S917d)
          Painted by Domenic Manchester
 Source: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
.
.........
.
.........Click 'HERE' to see the original, large painting.
.
Top
Subj:     Police Officer Comes Home Early (S98)
          From: thebartend on 98-12-10

 A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
 station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
 hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
 wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bed-
 room and started to climb into bed.

 Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest,
 would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next
 block and get me some aspirin?  I've got a splitting headache."

 "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
 dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

 As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
 said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
 Officer Fenwick, right?"

 "Yeah, so?" said the officer.

 "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire
 Chief?"

Top
Subj:     Getting A Parking Ticket (S291, S588)
          From: coreymac on 8/25/2002
......and From: tom on 4/23/2008

 Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to
 make our Days interesting.

 Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to
 the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track
 my investments.  I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
 When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

 I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better
 to do than write a retired person a ticket?  Why aren't you
 out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your
 league, obviously !!!

 He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him
 a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having
 worn tires.

 So I called him 'Barney Fife'.

 He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
 with the first.  Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on
 for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets
 he wrote.

 Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus.
 The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
 sticker that said 'OBAMA in '08.'

Top
Subj:     Traffic Tickets (S90)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-12

 THIS IS FOR USA ONLY

 I tried to pass this on to anyone I could think of.  I know
 for a fact that this works so if you ever get in this situation,
 you have an out.

 This procedure works in any state.  Read it and try it, you
 have nothing to loose but the points in your license.

 If u get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or
 whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on
 your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT
 get any points.

 When u get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if
 the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some
 small amount above the fine.  The system will then have to
 send you back a check for the difference, but here is the
 trick! ---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!!

 Throw it away!  Points are not assessed to your license until
 all the financial transactions are complete.  If you do not
 cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. How-
 ever the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will
 not bother you any more.

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S959)
          By Dan Piraro on 6/4/2015
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/february-16-2016/
.
..........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! (S87)
          From: FrankRoesc on 98-09-21

 In Ohio,  an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
 into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
 forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to
 help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
 Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a six
 inch deep hole in his skull with a Black ? Decker power drill
 and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Top
Subj:     Wife Reports Missing Husband (S83)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-31

 A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
 to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked
 for a description.

 She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark
 wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken,
 and is good to the children."

 The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
 children."

 The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Top
Subj:     HP Hits Guy In Head
          From: thebartend on 98-08-26

 Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
 by a state trooper.  The trooper walks up, taps on the window
 with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and
 the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.  The driver
 says, "Why'd you do that?"

 The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son.  When I pull you over,
 you'll have your license ready."  Driver says, "I'm sorry,
 officer, I'm not from around here."  The trooper runs a check
 on the guy's license, and he's clean.  He gives the guy his
 license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
 on the window.

 The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks
 him with the nightstick.  The passenger says, "What did you
 do that for?"  The cop says, "Just making your wishes come
 true."

 The cop continues, "I know that two miles down the road you
 are gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that with me.'"

Top
Subj:     Taken Down The Evidence (S387)
          From: mrx on 6/17/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
.
.........
.
.
Top
Subj:     K-9 Unit Responds To Burglary (S147)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #152 on 98-06-23
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/21/1999

 The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9
 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.  Returning
 home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house
 ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once
 and reported the crime.

 The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and
 a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene.  As he
 approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out
 on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come
 home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the
 police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind
 policeman!"

Top
Subj:     Demonstration Of Police Dog Work
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98

 "Police and school officials in an upstate New York town got
 more than they bargained for in a program given at the local
 high school to demonstrate the force's dogs.  The students
 were herded into the auditorium and the handlers on stage put
 the dogs through their paces.  They demonstrated some bite
 work, then let some students up onto the stage to pet the
 dogs to show that police dogs aren't vicious, they're just
 trained to stop bad guys.  For a special demonstration, they
 announced that there were four bags of pot hidden around the
 auditorium and then they let the dogs loose in the room to
 find them. By the time they had finished, the dogs had brought
 back six bags..."

Top
Subj:     Speed Trap With No Speeders (S209)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
      and From: gheckman on 1/28/2001

 (See 'Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish' in POLICE2)

 A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
 speeders.  But one day, everyone was under the speed limit,
 the officer found the problem:  a 10 year old boy was standing
 on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which
 said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  A little more investigative work led
 the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100
 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
 bucket at his feet, full of change.

Top
Subj:     Sheriff Finds Three Bodies (S184)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #21 on 98-01-22
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/8/00

 One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
 emergency call at a farmhouse.  When they walked in, they
 found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.
 They had been shot to death.

 When they went to the living room, they found the body of a
 man with a gun at his side.

 "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.  "This was
 a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found
 his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
 Then he shot himself."

 "You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and
 suicide.  But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's
 going to say 'it could have been worse."

 "No way.  How could it be worse?  There are three people in
 the house, and all of them have been shot to death.  It could
 not be worse. You're on."

 About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.  He
 walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.  He then
 walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with
 the gun by his side.   "No doubt about it," the sheriff said,
 shaking his head.  "It was a double murder and suicide.  This
 guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
 and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."

 After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
 deputies squarely in the eyes.  "But, you know," he said, "it
 could have been worse."

 The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
 "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?  There are three
 people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.  It
 couldn't have been worse??"

 "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there
 on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me
 in there in that bed!"

Top
Subj:     Robbing The Wrong Diner (S958d in Waiter_Etc)
          From: AFine963 on 5/24/2015
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE
.
.......
.
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute Glock commercial.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Three CIA Applicants (S190, S522)
          From: feigelmn on 9/21/00
      and From: jbcary1 on 1/19/2007

 The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all of the
 background checks, interviews, and testing were done there
 were three finalists, two men and a woman.  For the final
 test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
 door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
 follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
 Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
 chair.  Kill Her!!!"

 The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
 wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
 this job.

 The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the
 gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about five
 minutes.  Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.  "I
 tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your
 wife and go home."

 Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same
 instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went
 into the room.  Shots were heard, one shot after another.
 They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After
 a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and
 there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow,
 and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks.  I had to beat
 him to death with the chair."

Top
Subj:     Police, And The Drunk They Can't Test (S163)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
      and From: thebartend on 3/16/00

 A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in
 and out of the lanes.  He goes up to the guy's window and says
 "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

 The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.  I am an asthmatic.
 If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

 "Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give
 a blood sample."

 I can't do that either.  I am a hemophiliac.  If I do that, I'll
 bleed to death."

 "Well, then we need a urine sample."

 "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.  I am also a diabetic.
 If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

 "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white
 line."

 "I can't do that, officer."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I'm drunk."

Top
Subj:     Policeman And The Designated Drunk (S10, S366)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26
      and From: BennoRo on 1/28/2004

 A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar,
 hoping for a bust.  At closing time, as everyone came out,
 he spotted his potential quarry.  The man was so obviously
 inebriated that he could barely walk.

 He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
 looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five others,
 he finally found his own vehicle.  He sat in the car a good
 ten minutes, as the other patrons left.

 He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off.  He
 started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
 Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the
 road and started to drive away.

 The Patrolman, just waiting for this, turned on his lights
 and pulled the man over.  He administered the breathalyzer
 test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00!

 The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be
 broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

 "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the Designated
 Decoy."

Top
Subj:     Double Parker And The Cop
          Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94

 A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his
 automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.  I'm
 late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose
 my job. `Forgive us our trespasses.'"

 When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note:
 "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give
 you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'"

Top
Subj:     Homeland Security Internet Tracking (S449)
          From: MEBHARKINS on 8/22/2005
 Source: (Removed from users.chartertn.net)

 I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security
 Bill has passed.  Things will be different now and Internet
 surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive
 method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.
 For a demonstration, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Police Pull Over Husband, And Wife Tells All (S290)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #89
      and From: RFSlick on 8/23/2002

 Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says,
 "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."  The driver says, "Gee,
 officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar
 needs calibrating."  Not looking up from her knitting the
 wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that
 this car doesn't have cruise control."

 As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
 at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for
 once?"  The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
 thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

 As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
 radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
 through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your
 mouth shut."

 The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
 wearing your seat belt, sir.  That's an automatic $75 fine."
 The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on,
 but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
 my license out of my back pocket."

 The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't
 have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when
 you're driving."  And as the police officer is writing out
 the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
 "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

 The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
 husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens
 no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

Top
Subj:     Police Pull Over Driver (S282b)
          From: dogbyte on 6/24/2002

 A California policeman pulled a car over and told the
 driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt,
 he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety
 competition.

 "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the
 policeman.

 "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,"
 he answered.

 "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the
 passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."

 This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look
 at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a
 stolen car."

 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a
 voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

Top
Subj:     Man Tries To Outrun A Cop (S83, S686b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-17
      and From: ginafm on 3/9/2010

 A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the inter-
 state for a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the breeze
 was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided
 to open her up.

 As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing
 red and blue lights behind him.  "There's no way they can
 catch a BMW," he thought and opened her up further.  The
 needle hit 90, 100....  then the reality of the situation hit
 him.  "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and
 examined it and the car.  "It's been a long day, this is the
 end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.  I don't feel like
 more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
 speeding that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran
 off with a cop.  I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

 "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Top
Subj:     Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop (S23, S549c)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
      and From: AFine963 on 7/22/2007

 Edward  walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a
 key in his hand.  A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
 "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.

 "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!"  Edward replies.

 The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you
 saw it?"

 "It was at the end of this key",  Edward replies.

 At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards penis
 is hanging out of his trousers.  The cop asks Edward, "Hey
 buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? "

 Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got
 Julie too!!! "

Top
Subj:     Drunk In Parking Lot
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22

 A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar,
 bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.  The manager
 comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

 "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

 "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

 "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

 "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights
 and a siren on the roof!".

Top
Subj:     The Drunk And The Police Car (S418b)
          From: vcarlew on 97-09-13
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 2/1/2005

 True story from Orange County:

 A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends
 plead with him to let them take him home.  He says no - he
 only lives a mile away.  About five blocks from the party the
 police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of
 the car and walk the line.  Just as he starts, the police
 radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
 house just a block away.

 The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be
 right back.  They run down the street to the robbery.  The
 guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.  When
 he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to
 tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the
 flu and has been in bed all day.

 A few hours later the police knock on the door.  They ask if
 Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes.  They ask to see him
 and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been
 so all day.  The police have his driver's license.  They ask
 to see his car and she asks why.  They insist on seeing his
 car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where
 they find: the police car, with the lights still flashing.

Top
Subj:     FBI Orders Pizza (S50)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98

 (See 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone' in PHONE)

 The following is a direct quote from the Center for
 Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL
 ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story
 swears it's true.

 FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in
 San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance
 fraud.  After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
 the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.  The
 agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
 parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
 colleagues.

 The following telephone conversation took place and was
 recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations
 at the hospital.

 Agent: Hello.  I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67
 cans of soda.

 Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

 Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

 Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

 Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

 Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

 Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

 Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

 Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through
        the front doors.  We have them locked.  You will
        have to go around to the back to the service
        entrance to deliver the pizzas.

 Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

 Agent: That's right.  How soon can you have them here?

 Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an
       FBI agent?

 Agent: That's right.  We've been here all day and we're
        starving.

 Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

 Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

 Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

 Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.  Can
        you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the
        service entrance in the rear?  We have the front
        doors locked.

 Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.

Top
Subj:     CHP Officer Stops Woman (S209, S474)
          From: gheckman on 1/28/2001
      and From: janeenmarie on 2/11/2006

 A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As Wisconsin
 State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping
 open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to
 sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.

 "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."

 There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he
 realized what he'd just said.  He then closed his book,
 got back in his patrol car and left.

 She was laughing too hard to start her car for several
 minutes.

Top
Subj:     Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b)
          From: Song Wav's on 9/22/2005
..........Source: (Removed from home1.gte.net)

 You can listen to this cute sound track by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
..............................From Smiley_Central
.
.
..