Subj: Police2 Jokes
(Includes 56 jokes and articles, 07843,5,cf)
Click "Here" for Police-Supp
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Subj: Wrong License Plate (S411b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/1/2004
Subj: Small Town Cop Stops Speeder (S311b)
From: dogbyte on 1/14/2003
A police officer in a small town
stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the
officer. "...or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET!
You're going to jail!" A few
hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the
man in the cell.... "I'm
Subj: Math Teacher Stopped By Highway Patrol (S300)
From: crtoth516 on 11/1/2002
Rushing to work, I was driving
too fast and as a result
was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper
noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school
on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled and said,
"Okay, here's a problem. A
teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 mph over the
limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus
the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total,
subtracting the low salary
I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math,
then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-
where without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite
subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Subj: State Patrolman And The Juggler (S285b, S718)
From: mjsl on 7/19/2002
A Georgia State patrolman pulled
a car over for speeding
about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the
officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on
his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't
want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver
that he was fascinated by
juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for
him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he
had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman
told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car
and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so
the patrolman got three
flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While
the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind
the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show,
then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got
The patrolman saw him do this
and went over to his car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was
The drunk replied, "Just take
me to jail... Hell, ain't no
way I'm gonna pass that test."
Subj: Real Speeding Excuses (S282)
From: jerry on 6/26/2002
The following are speeding excuses,
non of which worked, as
told by various members of the Philadelphia Highway Patrol:
? A man who, when asked by the
officer if he had seen any
speed-limit signs, explained, "I went by them so fast I
probably missed them."
? A man caught doing 79 MPH on
I-95 who explained, "My
engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor.
If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
? A man who explained, "I'm due
in traffic court. If I'm
late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
? A man who simply offered this,
"I'm trying to beat my
wife home. Don't ask."
? An elderly person who when
given a ticket for doing 73
MPH asked if there's a senior discount.
? A man who claimed he was allergic
to bees and so was
speeding to the hospital. To prove it, he pointed to a
bee on the dashboard in an advanced state of decomposition.
? A man, caught doing 70 MPH
in the breakdown lane of I-95
who, when pulled over, jumped out of the car and began
frantically brushing off his pants explaining that he
dropped a lit cigarette in his lap and so was in a hurry
to find a place to park.
And my personal favorite:
? A man caught speeding who told
the officer that he and
his wife were trying to have a baby and then explained,
"My wife if ovulating. I have to get home right now!"
Philadelphia Daily News 24-Jun-02
From: jerry on 6/27/2002 (S282)
I am a NY State Trooper. I once stopped a man for speeding,
and he told me his wife had just checked herself into the
psych ward of the local hospital, and he was in a hurry to
get there and talk to her before "she got any crazier." I
let him go - it was too classic to punish him.
Art Couchman from Scio, NY
Subj: Burglars And The Slow Police (S252b, S821)
From: kmacinty on 11/26/2001
and From: lubin100 on 10/3/2012
I was going to bed the other
night when my wife told me
she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the
light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that
there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the
police, but they told me that no one was in our area to
help at this time, but they would send someone over as
soon as they were available.
I said, "OK", hung up, and waited
one minute, then phoned
the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago
because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have
to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were
half a dozen police cars in
the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course,
they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, "I
thought you said that you'd
I replied with, "I thought you
said there was nobody
Subj: CHP Ticket One Of Several Speeders (S220, S544)
From: thebartend on 4/18/2001
and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/20/2007
A man was speeding down the highway,
feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However,
as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation,
received his signature
and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I
know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there
were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as
fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Subj: Stopped While Going To Church (S196, S562b)
From: JOELFALLON on 10/30/2000
and From: gordonschuk on 10/24/2007
A speeding ticket? Jack
took a long look at his speedo-
meter before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time
in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled
over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential
Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench
coat. This was worse than the coming ticket.
A Christian cop catching a guy
from his own church. A guy
who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long
day at the office.
A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached
a man he saw every
Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed
in a rush to see my wife
"Yeah, I guess."
Bob seemed uncertain. Good. "I've
seen some long days at
the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit-just
this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.
"Diane said something about roast
beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean.
I also know that you have a
reputation in our precinct."
Ouch. This was not going
in the right direction. Time to
change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob.
I checked as soon as I saw you.
I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with
"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself
through the still-open door.
Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no
rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled
away on the pad. Why
hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason,
it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this
A tap on the door jerked his
head to the left. There was Bob,
a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere
two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not
quite keep the sneer out of his
voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack
watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.
How much was this one
going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind
of joke? Certainly not a ticket.
Jack began to read:
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed
by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and
three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his
daughters, all three of them.
I only had one, and I'm going
to have to wait until heaven
before I can ever hug her again.
A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man.
A thousand times I thought I
had. Maybe I did, but I need
to do it again. Even now.
Pray for me.
And be careful. My son is all I have left.
Jack turned around in time to
see Bob's car pull away and
head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A
full 15 minutes later, he, too, pulled away and drove slowly
home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife
and kids when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle
with care. This is an important
message, please pass it along to your friends.
Drive safely and carefully.
Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.
Subj: Trooper Stops Farmer (S195, S577)
From: hellgunner50 on 8/21/2004
and From: tom on 1/29/2008
A farmer got pulled over by a
state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around
to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said --"Well
yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle
So the farmer says -- "Well,
circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes
back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's
a good thing," and goes
back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer
says, "Hard to fool them
Subj: Jerks of The Highway (S181)
From: RateJoke@JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/18/00
One afternoon, this guy drives
down a highway to visit a
nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy
dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of
the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the
window and says, "How can
I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway.
You got something
With a smile in his face, the
first guy hands a sandwich
to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes
later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed
fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him
A bit irritated, our guy stops,
cranks down the window,
and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the
highway. You got something
Hardly managing to smile this
time, he hands the guy a
can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he
decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another
guy on the side of
the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him
to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last
time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess.
You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the
hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
Subj: Lawyer Cross-Examins Cop (S166, S335)
From: RFSlick on 04/07/2000
and From: szalay on 6/26/2003
This is true... A defense attorney
was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client
fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender running several blocks
Q. Officer, who provided this
A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow
officer provided the description of this so-called
Q. Do you trust your fellow
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask
you this then officer - do
you have a locker room in the police station - a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for you
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker
in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if
you trust your fellow
officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted
in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. The officer on the stand has been
nominated for this year's "Best Come-Back" line and we
think he'll win.
Subj: Pulling Over Two In Texas (S161, S643b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/4/2003
and From: edapsmas on 5/6/2009
Two men are driving through Texas
when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the
window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window
and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in
Texas, son. When we pull you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the
guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him with the
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that
two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"
Subj: Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish (S137, S629)
From: KMacinty on 09/13/1999
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/23/2009
(See 'Speed Trap With No Speeders' in POLICE1)
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home
over the Golden Gate Bridge
after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His
catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on
the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and
was speeding... Wouldn't you
know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to
the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast
you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer"
replied Bob, "Why did
you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the
officer growled, in his normal
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a
ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob,
in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job!
I have a good, well-paying
The cop leaned in the window,
smelling Bob's fish catch,
said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the
patrolman. And Bob repeated,
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head,
asked, "What does a rectum
Bob explained, "People call me
up and say they need to be
stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a
couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole
hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther
apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these
bizarre images in his mind,
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You
give it a radar gun and
stick it at the end of a bridge."
Subj: Revised Miranda Rights (S127)
From: smiles on 7/5/99
The Miranda Rights For Folks in the Backwoods
1. You have the right to remain
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to
chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour your
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be
appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race,
be aware that my K-9 may or may not understand your
intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in
full stride whereupon catching you he will devour your
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!
The Miranda Rights For Urban Dwellers
1. You have the right to swing
first. Anything you do
can and will lead to a butt-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT
present at the time of the butt-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free
of charge, to read you your last prayer.
The Miranda Rights As Some Cops
Would Really Like To
1. No, I don't care who you
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are
_____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Editors Note: For those of you
not from the US, I thought
I'd tell you about Miranda Rights. They are extremely
important rights and probably one of the things that makes
our system of justice different from yours. Here in the
United States, police are required to warn an arrested
suspect that any information they provide can be used as
evidence against them (for example answers to questions)
and that the suspect has a right to remain silent and the
right to counsel. This is based on the 1966 court case,
Miranda v. Arizona.
Below are the words spoken when
someone is arrested (you'll
hear it in the movies) The Miranda Rights:
1. You have the right to remain
2. Anything you say can and will be used against you
in a court of law.
3. If you are under the age of 18, anything you say can
be used against you in a juvenile court prosecution
for a juvenile offense and can also be used against
you in an adult court criminal prosecution if the
juvenile court decides that you are to be tried as an
4. You have the right to talk to an attorney before
answering any questions.
5. You have the right to have your attorney present
during the questioning.
6. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be
appointed for you without cost, before or during
questioning, if you desire.
7. Do you understand these rights?
(suspect must acknowledge his understanding)
That'll be two bits for the lesson in American Law...
Subj: Top 10 DEA Choir Songs (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
The Top 14 Songs Performed by the DEA Choir
14. Amazing Grass
13. Don't Sell It On The Mountain
12. I Can Seize Clearly Now
11. Don't Cry For Me, Noriega
10. Who Let The Drug Dogs out?
9. Take Me To The Reefer
8. Help Me, Ganja
7. 99 Vials Of Crack On The Wall
6. You Dropped A Bong On Me
5. I Fought The Law, And The Law Went Medieval On My Butt
4. Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round the Whole Crime Scene)
3. Hey, 'Lude
2. Shoot Me Up Before You Go-Go
1. Yakety Yak, Don't Smoke Crack
Subj: Top 10 Police Comeback Lines (S120)
From: smiles on 5/15/99
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with
the unlicensed gun in your
purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the
cruiser and come over here to
say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers
to catch, but that might
be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write
you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure,
I'll just go back to the cruiser
and write the citation. Do you have food and water in
the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped
you, or do you THINK like
6. What do you mean I won't
believe you? Just because
you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the
trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable
7. No, you've got that WRONG.
I'm even TOUGHER without
the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it.
You just happened to
start your wind sprints in front of the department
store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security
guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's
the best you can do? My four-
year-old does better than that when I ask why his
sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Editors Note: I guess, it's the
inflection that gives it
that special meaning...
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/8/2005 (S451b)
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't."
Subj: Short Police Jokes
Bungled Robbery (S453)
Hooded winter jacket with large
to conceal identity ? carry gun: $65.00
9mm Handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block: $150.00
Failure to master proper weapon
your planned armed robbery: PRICELESS!!!!!
This five second animated GIF
will make your day. Don't skip
it. You can see it at the source above, or on my web site by
Subj: FBI's New Snoop Tool (S336)
From: BennoRo on 7/5/2003
Check it out at:
At the sites suggestion, I went to
for a hundred other examples. Froze my computer
Important Meeting (S447)
Subj: Female Cop Arrests Drunk (S326)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/25/2003
A man was stopped by a female police officer for drunk
driving. After asking to see his license, the female
police officer said, "Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
Swaying back and forth on his
feet, the drunk muttered
one word, "Breasts."
Police Line Up (S446)
Subj: State Budget Proposals (S311b)
From: kmacinty on 1/17/2003
The Davis Administration announced today, amid concerns
of the State's deepening budget crisis, that two major
state agencies will be combined to reduce administrative
costs. Effective February 1st, 2003, the California
Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish
and Game will be merged to form the new California
Department of Fish and CHiPs.
Subj: New DARE Campaign (S361b)
From: JokeOrNot.com on 12/26/03
Subj: Couple Arrested During Sex (S311)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/13/2003
A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both
anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.
Subj: Kid Stopped For Speeding (S301b)
From: coreymac on 11/4/2002
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped
for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting
for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well
I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
Subj: Theft At Police Station (S275c)
From: RFSlick on 5/8/2002
A thief broke into the local police station and stole
all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted
as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
Subj: Husband Wants To Talk To Burglar (S275b)
From: thebartend on 5/5/2002
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got
into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying
to do that for years!"
Subj: Smoking In Jail (S262c)
From: jerry on 1/28/2002
A Newton, Massachusetts man who, while in a jail cell at
the police station was found four times smoking a cigarette.
After each incident the man was searched. He was even even
strip searched, but continued to suddenly be found smoking
yet another lit cigarette in his cell. This baffled police
until, after having taken away the fourth cigarette, they
found they had to rush him to the hospital for severe
Daily News Tribune (Newton, MA)
Subj: Speeding Tickets For Cops (S253)
From: jerry on 12/3/2001
Some Washington D.C. police officers are slowing down
their response to emergencies because if they are caught
by speeding cameras, even when they are on official police
duty responding to emergencies, they must pay the speeding
And what says the chairman of
the Metropolitan Police
Department's union labor committee?
"Officers are getting crazy tickets,
in their cars on duty
from the speed and red-light cameras. A lot of them have
actually had to pay the fines."
And what's the justification?
The city wants to be certain
that police are following the
traffic laws and if an officer can prove they were responding
to an emergency, the ticket will be cancelled which, the
police say, is not always so easy to prove.
Washington Times 29-Nov-01
Subj: Automatic Anthrax Alert (S249b)
From: jerry on 11/8/2001
Bonehead award two goes to the Key Biscayne, Florida police
for accidentally kicking off a system that called dozens of
residents with an automated message saying, ''This is an
anthrax alert. The mail you received, put in a bag and put
it outside. The postal authorities are going to test the
white powder that was found today in the Key Biscayne mail-
room. This message is brought to you by the chief of
police, Michael Flaherty. We are being cautious.''
Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville)
Subj: Man In Shootout With Police (S248)
From: jerry on 11/1/2001
Man claims the whole thing is just a load of crap.
Bonehead award three, a ''stupidest
excuse in the world
bonehead award,'' goes to an Monroe County, Indiana man
who was arrested after a 10 minute shootout with police,
after he got a bullet in his abdomen, who says it was
really nothing at all; he was just a bit touchy because
he was frustrated over being constipated.
Herald Times (Bloomington, Indiana)
Subj: Policemen Want Krispy Kreme (S245b)
From: jerry on 10/11/2001
Bonehead award four goes to two Albuquerque, New Mexico
police officers who landed their patrol helicopter nearby
a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop early one morning so they
could go and buy a box of doughnuts. They will be
Albuquerque Journal (Albuquerque,
New Mexico) 5-Oct-01
Subj: Drug Dealer Chews Fingers (S238b)
From: bonehead on 8/21/2001
"Chew your fingers to the bone and what do you get? ...
Boney fingers!" (the Grateful Dead??)
Bonehead award four, a ''too
dumb to be a criminal
bonehead award'' goes to a drug dealer arrested by West
Bridgewater, Massachusetts police who was found, after
his arrest, and while waiting arraignment, to have
chewed up his fingertips, "leaving the joints a bloody
mess," in the mistaken belief that he would no longer
And what says police Sgt. Victor Flaherty?
"He tried to hide (his identity)
but that was a weak
effort. Your prints are pretty deep."
Yep, all it gets you is boney fingers ... with fingerprints!
Boston Herald 18-Aug-01
Subj: K-9 Unit ? The Kid (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/17/2001
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?"
he asked. "It sure
is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back
of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Subj: Mailing Motorist Ticket (S209)
From: gheckman on 1/28/2001
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket
was included. Being cute, he sent the police department
a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of Handcuffs.
Subj: Drunk Follows Woman (S207)
From: KMACINTY on 1/18/2001
A woman came up to a policeman on his beat and said, "Oh,
officer! There's a man following me and I think he must
be drunk. "The officer scrutinized the woman and answered,
"Yes, he must be!"
Subj: Dead Man In Bathtub (S170 ? S388b)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: jbcary1 on 6/30/2004
This appears to be a very serious problem. If you
hear of any other instances like this please alert
Local man found dead: A local
man was found murdered
in his home in Galveston, Texas over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in
his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and
Cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding
from his buttocks... Police suspect a cereal killer.
Subj: Police Use Tear Gas (S154)
From: JCary on 01/11/2000
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting
out to give himself up.
Subj: Police Give Grandpa A Ride (S128)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/10/99
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house,
and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman
explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was
lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've
been going to that
park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so
that the policeman couldn't
hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too
tired to walk home."
Subj: CHP Sees Woman Knitting (S117)
From: smiles on 4/30/99
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to
see that the person behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his
window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the driver yelled back,
Subj: Police Stop Man w/Penguin (S113)
From: FrankRoesc on 3/23/99
(Also see 'Taking A Load Of Penguins To The Zoo' in OTHER_ANIMALS)
A man was stopped by a policeman who noticed a penguin
sitting in the passenger seat. The policeman told the
driver to take the penguin to the zoo.
A couple of weeks later, the
same policeman stopped the
same guy and said, "I thought I told you to take that
penguin to the zoo."
The man said, "I did, and now
I'm taking him to the ball game."
In Ohio, an unidentified man
in his late twenties walked
into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from
his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray
to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch
deep hole in his skull with a Black ? Decker power drill
and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach
got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot
down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police
spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside
his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copybutton each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
A Los Angeles man who later said
he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
From: smiles on 98-12-30 (S100)
Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on
New Year's? He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s
From: grs on 98-04-05
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Bad Cop! No donut!
From: auntieg on 99-01-13 (S102)
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some
difficult issues. What would you do if you had to
arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
From: KMacinty on 6/4/99 (S123)
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/14/2002
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before
the police." -- Jeff Marder.
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/17/2002 (S285b)
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can
with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone (1899-1947)
From: Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily
Dirty Joke on 3/2/97
Q: What animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
A: A police horse.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
|Smiley the Policewoman from