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Subj:     Programmer Jokes
                 (Includes 10 jokes and articles, 07879n,1,cf,md1v,1)

Computer Bug from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  How To Hire A Programmer (DU)
.........................The Programmer's Vacation (DU)
.........................Programmer & Engineer Bet On Plane (S260b, DU)
.........................Softwre, Hardwre Engineers & Manager's Car Stop (DU)
.........................Short Programmer Jokes
..............................Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer (S347, S595)
..............................Computer Programmer's Credo #73: (S234, S642a)

Also see COMPUTERS3   - 'Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest'
         NERD file    - 'Nerd Letters From Camp'
         FROG file    - 'Talking Frog And The Programmer'
         OTHER-PEOPLE - 'The Writer - An Automaton' - Video

======================================================Top
Subj:     How To Hire A Programmer
          by Kevin D. Weeks
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

 Forget about competency tests, previous work history,
 personality profiles like the MBTI, reference-checking,
 and follow-up interviews.  After years of rigorous and
 admittedly maverick research, I've identified five key
 characteristics you can use to quickly assess the fit-
 ness of a programmer candidate.  I humbly submit that
 if you follow my advice and check for these attributes,
 you'll shorten your hiring cycle and simultaneously
 increase your success rate.

 The best programmers prefer cats as pets. I've canvassed
 hundreds of programmers on the subject of preferred pets,
 and despite the odd ferret-lover (and believe me, ferret-
 lovers are odd), time after time cats turn out to be the
 non-human companion of choice.  Think about it; it makes
 perfect sense because programmers are human cats.  Cats
 are night animals, as are programmers.  Cats are indepen-
 dent, like programmers.  Cats prefer to be left alone
 except when they want attention, and so do programmers.
 Cats are notoriously elegant animals and... uhm, well...
 programmers love elegant code.  What's more, software
 guru Meilir Page-Jones has likened managing programmers
 to herding cats.

 Turning to the next characteristic, programmers have a
 highly developed sense of the absurd.  And if you think
 about it, this makes no sense at all.  I don't know why
 so many programmers can quote The Hitchhiker's Guide to
 the Galaxy or know the entire Naughty Hungarian Phrase
 Book skit, but they do.  The next time you interview a
 programmer candidate throw a "You're all individuals"
 at him and see what he says.

 Perhaps a sense of the absurd matters because so much
 of what developers put up with is absurd - absurd
 schedules, absurd requirements, absurd hours. Treating
 the absurdities of the average development process with
 humor makes developers' jobs much easier.

 Developers are usually science-fiction fans.  Great
 programmers love technology, especially technology that
 doesn't yet exist.  You're in a business where the only
 constant is change, and you need developers who don't
 mind a few arrows in their backs.  Make sure your
 candidate has read Robert Heinlein's The Moon Is a Harsh
 Mistress. And remember, every programmer worth her salt
 knows what grok means.  Many developers also are musicians,
 painters, or photographers.  Some will claim this is
 because both programming and artistic endeavors require
 great creativity.  They're wrong.  It's because program-
 ming is more like painting than engineering.  Like
 painters, when programmers make mistakes, they just code
 right over them.

 Then there's the matter of puns.  I've witnessed online
 pun-fests that lasted as long as a week, with as many as
 30 programmers trying to outdo each other. I've noticed
 that some participants are punctilious about staying
 with the root word, while others approach them as pun-
 tests where misspelling words is permitted.  Again, the
 predilection makes perfect sense.  Programming is about
 using language to accomplish something, and programmers
 have a highly evolved appreciation of how a language can
 be manipulated to specific ends.  Puns are ways of both
 displaying a mastery of language and honing it.

 So there you have it.  Look for developers who love cats,
 quote Monty Python, read Heinlein, play guitar, and are
 accomplished punsters.  If you find all these characteris-
 tics in a single individual, hire that person immediately
 - confident you're hiring a truly great developer.

 VB Tech Journal
 January 1998

Top
Subj:     The Programmer's Vacation (DU)
          (Also see 'Shepherd Makes A Bet' in COWS-SHEEP)

 A hard-working computer programmer finally took a vacation.
 While hiking in the mountains, he came upon a shepherd
 tending a flock of sheep.  Taking a fancy to the sheep, he
 asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have,
 can I have one?"

 The shepherd thought this request odd, but, knowing there
 was little chance of guessing correctly, agreed.

 "You've got 287 sheep," the programmer said.  To the
 shepherd's astonishment, it was the correct number.

 The shepherd told the man he'd guessed correctly and to
 go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home.  But, as soon
 as the programmer picked up a small sheep and started to
 carry it away, the shepherd said, "Wait a minute.  You
 have to give me a chance, too.  If I can guess what you
 do for a living,  can I have that sheep back?"

 Figuring there was little chance the shepherd would guess
 correctly, the programmer went along, only to be shocked
 when the shepherd said, "You're a computer programmer,
 right?"

 "How did you know?" asked the programmer.

 The shepherd said, "Put down the dog and we'll talk about
 it."

Top
Subj:     Programmer & Engineer Bet On Plane (S260b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 1/23/2002
          (See 'Two Airplane Passengers Talk' in SHIT file)

 A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other
 on a long flight from LA to NY.  The Programmer leans over
 to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
 The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely
 declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real
 easy and a lotta fun.  He explains "I ask you a question,
 and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.  Then you
 ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
 you $5."  Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to
 get to sleep.

 The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you do
 not know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
 answer, I'll pay you $50!"  This catches the Engineer's
 attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he
 plays, so he agrees to the game.

 The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance
 from the earth to the moon?"  The Engineer doesn't say a
 word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar
 bill and hands it to the Programmer.

 Now, it's the Engineer's turn.  He asks the Programmer "What
 goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
 The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look.  He
 takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his
 references.  He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
 searches the net and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated,
 he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

 After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him
 $50.  The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to
 try to get back to sleep.  The Programmer, more than a
 little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what
 is the answer?"  Without a word, the Engineer reaches into
 his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get
 back to sleep.

Top
Subj:     Software & Hardware Engineers And Manager's Car Stops
          From: Internet Humor Archive (DU)
 (Also see 'Three Computer People Have A Car Problem' - COMPUTERS3
   and see 'Car Stops For Three Engineers' in ENGINEER3)

 A software engineer, hardware engineer and department manager
 were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.  They were
 driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
 failed.  The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard
 rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along
 the mountainside.  The occupants of the car were unhurt, but
 they had a problem.  They were stuck halfway down the mountain
 in a car with no brakes, and the weather was getting bad.

 "I know" said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army
 knife with me.  I can strip down the car's braking system,
 isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

 "No," said the manager. " Let's schedule some meetings,
 propose a Vision Statement, formulate a Mission Statement,
 define Achievable Goals, and through a process of Continuous
 Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and
 we'll be on our way."

 "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything,
 shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain
 and see if it happens again?"


Subj:     Short Programmer Jokes

Top
Subj:    Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer
         From: Don.Hatch on 9/26/2003
     and From: darrellvip on 6/15/08 (S347d, S595)
 Source: http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
 Can you tell the difference between a programmer or a serial
 killer?  Take the quiz and find out.  Click on the above
 source, or 'HERE'. for my copy, to take this difficult quiz
 
 

Top
Subj:     Computer Programmer's Credo #73: (S234, S642a)
          From: trashlaughs on 7/24/2001
 Documentation is like sex:
 When it is good, it is VERY good;
 and when it's bad, it's still
 better than nothing at all.
 

From: humorlist-digest V1 #201 on 97-09-19 (DU)
 Programming today is a race between software engineers
 striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
 and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better
 idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
   -- Rich Cook

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97 (DU)
 The most important thing in the programming language is
 the name.  A language will not succeed without a good
 name.  I have recently invented a very good name and now
 I am looking for a suitable language.
   -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

From: pns on 11/25/2001 (S276c, DU)
 "Programming is like sex.  One mistake and you have to
 support it for the rest of your life."  -- Michael Sinz

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/4/2002 (S296b, DU)
 There are two ways of constructing a software design;
 one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously
 no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so
 complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.  The
 first method is far more difficult.
   -- C. A. R. Hoare

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/23/2002 (S299b, DU)
 C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes
 it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
   -- Bjarne Stroustrup

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..............................From Smiley_Central
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