Subj:     Soldier1 Jokes
                 (Includes 27 jokes, 03 1116n,6,cf,5wXT2b,3)
..........L5 Update

Gunner from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S649b)
.........................Our Heroes - Video (S516c)
.........................LBJ Requests Two Lieutenants (S156, S486)
.........................Boudreaux Sells GI Insurance To Soldiers (S148, S890)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S970)
.........................Boy Scout Troop Visits Army Base (S138, S603c)
.........................Leroy And Jasper Become Sargents (S243)
.........................Girl Asks Colonel When He Last Had Sex (S116, S475)
.........................A Message f/General Patton's Ghost - Web Page w/17 Photos (S388b)
.........................Paratrooper Jumper (S160, S632b)
.........................Two Reporters And A Marine Captured (S387)
.........................Military Death Benefits (S350, S558)
.........................Large Pakastani Unit Meets Indian Soldier (S345b, DU)
.........................GI Deserter Meets Nun (DU)
.........................French And American Soldiers In Bosnia (S316, DU)
.........................A Soldier And His Coffee - Picture (S401)
.........................What Is A Veteran? (S93, S145)
.........................CO And 1st Sgt. Stare At The Stars
.........................Soldier On Sentry Duty
.........................Two Old Soldiers Brag
.........................Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open (S115, S561)
.........................Armforce's Shit
.........................Sleeping Single Or Married?
.........................Decoy (S56)
.........................WW II Soldier On Leave
.........................True Inspection Story
.........................The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital (S41)
.........................Toy Soldier To Be Beheaded In Iraq (S418)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Attila the Hun's Death'
         ALLIGATOR    - 'Alligator Shoes'
         BASEBALL     - 'Three Baseball Fans And A Nude Body'
         BROTHERS file- 'Two Brothers And The Army Recruiter'
         CARS file    - 'Army Major Likes Women'
         CHICKEN-SUPP - 'Stripes Movie With Bill Murray' - Video
         CHRISTMAS3   - 'The Night Before Christmas With A US Soldier'
......................- 'Twas The Night Before Ramadan'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Sainsbury's OFFICIAL Christmas 2014 Ad'
         CLOTHING file- 'Three Guys Get Army Uniforms'
         COLLEGE-PROF - 'Atheist Professor Teaches About God'
         COWBOY2 file - 'The General And The Indian Scout'
         ENGLISH-SUPP - 'George Carlin On Euphemistic Language' - Video
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'Queen Elizabeth WWII Mechanic' - Photo
......................- 'British Soldiers Return From Falkland'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Blowing Up The Family Car'
         FRENCH file  - 'Elderly Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport'
......................- 'Who Stands Alone... Poem'
......................- 'George S. Patton's French Quote'
......................- 'History Of The French Military'
         GAMES2-SUPP2 - 'Chalk Warfare 3.0' - Video
......................- 'Dwight Eisenhower On Playing Bridge' - Newspaper Article
         GERMANY file - 'Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator' - Video
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'OTL: Veteran's Golf' - Video
         HEADLINES-SUP- 'Assailant Suffers Injuries From Fall'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'A Soldier Goes To Heaven'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Samurai Contest'
         JOB3 file    - 'Job Evaluations'
         JOBS-SUPP    - 'Coming To Work Late'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Andy And Pastor View Memorial'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Ulyssess Grant Meets Several Lawyers'
         MATH4B-SUPP  - 'Math Prob. - Cost of War'
......................- 'Math Prob. - The Army Division'
         MIDDLE EAST  - 'US Soldier Talks About Iraq'
         MOVIES_ETC-SU- 'WW II Movie Stars'
......................- 'A Few Good Dentists'
         NATIONAL2    - 'What Time Is It?'
         NAT_STATE-SPP- 'Iraq Vs Washington D.C.'
         NEW_YORK-SUPP- 'Incredible Images Of WWII In New York'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Man Needs Help At Urinal'
         PILOT-SUPP   - 'US Pilot Shoots Terriorists'
......................- 'The US Bomber And The German Fighter'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Welcoming The Troups In Maine'
         POLICE1 file - 'Defective Radar'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'What's Taking So Long?'
         RIDDLE file  - 'A What Am I Riddle #22'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Military Intelligence'
......................- 'Russian Soldier Eats Bed'
         SAILOR-MARINE- 'A Sailor Gets A Harmonica'
......................- 'Military Balls'
......................- 'The Flying McCoys Cartoon'
......................- 'Is Sex Work Or Pleasure?'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Marine Teacher's Discipline Solution'
......................- 'Class Learns Stories With Morals'
         SPEECHES     - 'MacArthur's Farewell Speech'
......................- 'The Pampered Generation'
         STORIES      - 'Two Great Stories'
......................- 'Soldier's True Friendship'
......................- 'True Story Of Taps'
         TEAR-JERKER1 - 'The Boys Of Iwo Jima'
......................- 'Reflections Of The Vietnam Wall'
         TEAR-JERKER2 - 'A Moment In A Concentration Camp'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Ann Margaret And The Vet'
         TRAIN file   - 'Army-Navy Football Train'
......................- 'Two Ladies and Two Soldiers On A Train'
         VALENTINE    - 'Sending Osama A Valentine'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'Woman Fighting In Afghanistan'
         YOU_ARE_FROM - 'Is It Time To Evaluate Our Involvement?'


     by John Graziano in 2009 (S649b)
 Source: www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/06/11
Subj:     Our Heroes (S516c)
          From: jbcary1
..........in 2006 (d-On Site,SWF)
 Source: (Removed from iwo.com)

 This video is breathtaking.  Turn on your speakers and
 watch the slide-show.  The outstanding choir sings the
 beautiful "Homeward Bound" song.  You can view it by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     LBJ Requests Two Lieutenants (S156, S486)
          From: KMacinty in 2000

 It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call
 military offices and demand special favors. At one such time,
 he is said to have called The Basic School, TBS, at Quantico,
 Virginia and the conversation went like this:

 TBS: "Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I
      help you?"

 LBJ: "This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner
      here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send
      out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters."

 TBS: "Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?"

 LBJ: "I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good

 TBS: "Yes sir, Mr.President. Two tall, good looking lieu-
      tenants, dress  uniforms, next Saturday evening.  Is
      there anything else?"

 LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time Texan) "Yeah, don't send
      any darned Mexicans!"

 TBS: "No sir, Mr. President, no darned Mexicans. Will there
      be anything else?"

 LBJ: "No, that's all."

 Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine lieu-
 tenants showed up at the White House, resplendent in their
 dress uniforms.  They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs.
 Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts
 for her daughters.  She acknowledged their presence but said,
 "But you're both black. There must be some mistake!"

 One lieutenant replied: "I don't believe that's possible,
 Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes!"

Subj:     Boudreaux Sells GI Insurance To Soldiers
          From: KMacinty in 1999 (S148, S890)

 Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana
 National Guard, got called up to active duty.  Boudreaux's
 first assignment was in a military induction center.
 Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty
 of advising new recruits about government benefits,
 especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

 The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was
 getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive
 supplemental form of GI insurance.  This was remarkable,
 because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per
 month for the higher coverage, compared to what the
 government was already providing at no charge.  The
 officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the
 next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

 Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees
 and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes
 to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays
 you benefishery $20,000.  If you takes out da suppmental
 insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den
 da governmen' gots at pay you benefishery $400,000! "Now,"
 Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send
 at Afghanistan first?

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S970)
          By Wiley Miller in 2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/08/10
Subj:     Boy Scout Troop Visits Army Base
          From: TA989287 in 1999 (S138, S603c)

 Below is an exact replication of a National Public Radio (NPR)
 interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General
 Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
 his military installation.

 INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
 to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

 GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
 archery, and shooting."

 INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

 GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
 supervised on the rifle range."

 INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
 dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

 GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching
 them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

 INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become
 violent killers."

 GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
 but you're not one, are you?"

 The radio went silent and the interview ended.


 This is a great story, but just an urban legend as
 verified by snopes.com at

Subj:     Leroy And Jasper Become Sargents (S243)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #274 in 1998

 Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to
 sergeants.  Not long after, they're out for a walk and
 Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO's Club.  Let's
 you and me stop in."

 "But we're privates," protests Jasper.

 "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now,
 Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

 "But we's privates," says Jasper.

 "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.  "We're
 sergeants now."

 So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
 to Leroy.  "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw
 you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

 Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
 go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means.
 If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

 So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy
 the big okay sign.

 Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a
 terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you
 give me the okay?"

 "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects
 only the privates. "  He points to his stripes. . . . "But
 we're sergeants now."

Subj:     Girl Asks Colonel When He Last Had Sex
          From: ossama in 1999 (S116, S475)

 A crusty old Cavalry Colonel found himself at a gala
 event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
 There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
 ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel
 for conversation.  She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you
 seem to be a very serious man.  Are you this way all the
 time, or is something bothering you?"

 "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

 The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
 said, "it looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

 The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
 said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and
 enjoy yourself."

 The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

 Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
 take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had

 The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

 She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out
 and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex
 since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

 The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-
 fact voice, "Oh, I don't know.  It's only 21:30 now!"

Subj:     A Message From The Ghost Of General Patton 
          From: RFSlick (S388b) in 2004

 Be warned.  The 'Message From Patton' contains some pictures
 I wished I hadn't seen.  You can view it on my site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Paratrooper Jumper (S160, S632b)
          From: RFSlick in 2000

 A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
 He went though the standard training, completed the practice
 jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to
 take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day, he called
 home to his father to tell him the news.

 "So, did you jump?" The father asked.

 "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane,
 and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
 About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

 "Is that when you jumped?" Asked the father.

 "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men
 one at a time and throw them out the door."

 "Did you jump then?" Asked the father.

 "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
 the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
 was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or
 he'd kick my butt."

 "So, did you jump?"

 "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
 onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the
 Jump Master.  The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-
 foot five, and 275 pounds.

 He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'  I said, 'No,
 sir. I'm too scared.'  So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
 and took his penis out.  I swear, it was about ten inches long
 and as big around as a baseball bat!  He said, 'Boy, either you
 jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

 "So, did you jump?" Asked the father.

 "Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."

Subj:     Two Reporters And A Marine Captured
          From: DoctorDebt in 2004 (S387)

 Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S.
 Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they
 were captured by Iraqis.

 They were tied up, led to the village and brought before
 the leader.  The leader said, "I am familiar with your
 western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before
 we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

 Dan Rather said,"Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last
 bowlful of hot,spicy chili."  The leader nodded to an
 underling who left and returned with the chili.  Rather
 ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

 Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end.  I want to
 take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and
 what's about to happen.  Maybe someday someone will hear it
 and know that I was on the job 'til the end."  The leader
 directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
 dictated some comments.  She then said, "Now I can die happy."

 The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr.  U.S.  Marine, what
 is your final wish?"  "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
 "What?" asked the leader.  "Will you mock us in your last
 hour?" "No, I'm not kidding.  I want you to kick me in the
 ass," insisted the Marine.  So the leader shoved him into
 the open, and kicked him in the ass.  The Marine went sprawling,
 but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his
 cammies, and shot the leader dead.  In the resulting confusion,
 he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed
 the Iraqis with gunfire.  In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or
 fleeing for their lives.

 As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him,
 "Why didn't you just shoot them?  Why did you ask them to kick
 you in the ass?"

 "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call
 ME the aggressor?"

Subj:     Military Death Benefits (S350, S558)
          By Rush Limbaugh
          From: DoctorDebt in 2003

 What's a Military Family Worth?
 by Rush Limbaugh
 March 11, 2002

 I think the vast differences in compensation between the victims
 of the September 11th casualty, and those who die serving the
 country in uniform, are profound.  No one is really talking about
 it either because you just don't criticize anything having to do
 with September 11th.  Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by
 because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement
 mentality of this country.

 If you lost a family member in the September 11th attack, you're
 going to get an average of $1,185,000.  The range is a minimum
 guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

 If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier
 killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct
 death benefit, half of which is taxable.  Next, you get $1,750
 for burial costs.  If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833
 a month until you remarry.  And there's a payment of $211 per
 month for each child under 18.  When the child hits 18, those
 payments come to a screeching halt.

 Keep in mind that some of the people that are getting an average
 of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's
 not enough.  We also learned over the weekend that some of the
 victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an
 organization asking for the same deal that the September 11th
 families are getting.  In addition to that, some of the families
 of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation
 as well.

 You see where this is going, don't you?

 Folks, this is part and parcel of over fifty years of
 entitlement politics in this country.  It's just really sad.

 This article is true as checked on Snopes.com at

Subj:     Large Pakastani Unit Meets Indian Soldier
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003 (S345b, DU)

 A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road
 when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One
 Indian soldier is better than ten Pakis." The Paki commander
 quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune
 whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few
 minutes, then silence.

 The voice then calls out "One Indian soldier is better than
 one hundred Paki." Furious, the Paki commander sends his
 next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge
 gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
 silence. The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian
 soldier is better than one thousand Paki."

 The enraged Paki Commander musters one thousand fighters and
 sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns
 ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
 Eventually one wounded Paki fighter crawls back over the
 dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't
 send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of

Subj:     GI Deserter Meets Nun (DU)
          From: pns in 2003

 A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two
 MPs.  He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
 there.  He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under
 your skirts for a few minutes.  I'll explain why later."
 The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the
 two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen
 a soldier running down the road.  She replied, "He went
 that way".  After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled
 out from under her skirt and said: " I can't thank you
 enough Sister, but you see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
 The nun said she understood.  The GI said, "I hope you
 don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most
 beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"  The nun replied,
 "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
 the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!  I
 don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Subj:     French And American Soldiers In Bosnia
          From: JBCARY1 in 2003 (S316, DU)

 This is probably urban legend, but its still a good read.

 An actual letter from home from a marine with the
 multinational force in Bosnia:

 Dear Dad,

 A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel
 (Bosnia):  A French army officer walked up to me in the
 PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of
 cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq.

 He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to
 count on the support of France.

 I told him that it didn't surprise me.  Since we had come
 to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam,
 and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due
 to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway.

 I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military
 power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for

 I additionally told him that America, being a nation of
 deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to
 do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for
 show anyway.

 Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85%
 of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced
 by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the
 American PX, and not the other way around.

 He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him
 if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of
 the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire
 Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even
 the smallest American had more fight in him than the
 average Frenchman.

 He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.
 With friends like these, who needs enemies?

 Dad, tell Mom I love her,

 Your loving daughter,

 Mary Beth Johnson
 LtCol., USMC

Subj:     A Soldier And His Coffee - Picture (S401)
          From: JokesUncut in 2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     What Is A Veteran? (S93, S145)
          From: thebartend in 1998

 (See 'To The Veteran' and 'The Infantry Man' in SOLDIER2)

 Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing
 limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.  Others may
 carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together,
 a piece of shrapnel in the leg or perhaps another sort of
 inner steel:  the soul's ally forged in the refinery of
 adversity.  Except in parades, however, the men and women who
 have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem.  You can't
 tell a vet just by looking.

 What is a vet?

 He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi
 Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored
 personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

 He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks,
 whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred
 times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery
 near the 38th parallel.

 She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and
 went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in
 Da Nang.

 He is the POW who went away one person and came back another
 - or didn't come back AT ALL.

 He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat
 - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account
 rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to
 watch each other's backs.

 He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons
 and medals with a prosthetic hand.

 He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and
 medals pass him by.

 He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns,
 whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever
 preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor
 dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the
 ocean's sunless deep.

 He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket -
 palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a
 Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife
 were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

 He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a
 person who offered some of his life's most vital years in
 the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions
 so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

 He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the
 darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest
 testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever

 So remember, each time you see someone who has served our
 country, just lean over and say "Thank You."  That's all
 most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than
 any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

 Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".

Subj:     CO And 1st Sgt. Stare At The Stars
          From: RFSlick in 1998

 (Also see 'Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping' in SHERLOCK_HOLMES)

 The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
 As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look
 up into the sky and tell me what you see."

 The CO said "I see millions of stars."

 1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

 CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
     galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically,
     it tells me that God is great and that we are small and
     insignificant.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will
     have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

 1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Subj:     Soldier On Sentry Duty
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #194 in 1998

 A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.  His
 orders were clear.  No car was to enter unless it had a
 special sticker on the windshield.  A big Army car came
 up with a general seated in the back.  The sentry said,
 "Halt, who goes there?"

 The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

 "I'm sorry, I can't let you through.  You've got to have
 a sticker on the windshield."

 The general said, "Drive on!"

 The sentry said, "Hold it!  You really can't come through.
 I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a

 The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

 The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
 I'm new at this.  Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Subj:     Two Old Soldiers Brag
          From: RFSlick in 1998

 Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
 days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one,
 "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap,
 slap, click."

 "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
 presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

 "What was the jingle?" asked the first.

 "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

Subj:     Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open
          From: collins2 in 1999 (S115, S561)

 Mr. Larsen got himself a new secretary.  She was young,
 sweet and very polite.  One day while taking dictation,
 she noticed  his fly was open.

 When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks
 door is open."

 He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened
 to look down and saw that his zipper was open.  He decided
 to have some fun with his secretary, calling herin, he
 asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
 doorwas open this morning, did you also notice a soldier
 standing at attention?"

 The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir,
 all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two
 duffel bags."

Subj:     Armforce's Shit
          From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998

 An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his
 back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles,
 and says, "This is shit."

 An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb.
 pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from
 an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
 "This is good shit!"

 A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon
 in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through
 a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
 positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

 A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud
 of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and weapons in both
 hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into
 the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several
 alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
 through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love
 this shit!"

 An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
 conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out?
 What kind of shit is this?"

Subj:     Sleeping Single Or Married?
          From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998

 A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her
 destination, a remote camp, at midnight.

 The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the lorry,
 and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"

 She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to kip in
 the cab."

 The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold
 night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like,
 I'll sleep on the floor."  The girl eagerly accepted the

 After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant
 sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to
 squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.  Without much ado,
 the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep
 single or married?"  The girl giggled and said, "It'd be
 nice if we slept 'married' don't you?"

 "Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married'
 then," he said turning his back on her and going off to

Subj:     Decoy (S56)
          From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998

 Excerpted from the book "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage
 Deceptions of World War II", by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

 Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a
 tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran
 Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with
 meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

 There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements,
 trucks, and aircraft.

 The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy
 that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to
 observe and report it.

 The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down
 to the last wooden plank.  And early the following morning,
 a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled
 the field once, and dropped a large ...............
 wooden bomb.

Subj:     WW II Soldier On Leave
          From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997

 A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in
 Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week
 of R and R.  He caught a supply boat to a supply base in
 the south of England, then caught a train to London.  The
 train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
 He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
 looking for any place to sit down.  Finally he found a
 compartment with seats facing each other; there was room
 for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
 looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in
 the empty seat beside her.  "Could I please sit in that
 seat?" he asked.  The lady was insulted; "You Americans
 are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting
 there"?  He walked through the train more and still could
 not find a seat.  He found himself back at the same place.
 "Lady, I love dogs I have a couple at home - so I would
 be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.

 The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude you are
 arrogant."  He leaned against the wall for a time, but
 was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the
 front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent
 rest for all that time; could I please sit there and
 hold your dog?"

 The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and
 arrogant, you are also obnoxious."  With that comment,
 the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw
 it out the window, and sat down.  The lady was speechless.

 An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the
 other seat spoke up.  "Young man, I do not know if all
 you Americans fit the lady's description.  But I do know
 that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.

 You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
 fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown
 the wrong bitch out of the window" !!

Subj:     True Inspection Story
          From: Bawdy.Net #196 in 1997

 Your collage mentioning the trick of putting peanut butter
 on toilet paper reminds of an army story that a buddy of
 mine told me.

 Their unit was preparing their barracks for a colonel's
 inspection (very big thing!), with everyone being in charge
 of having one area of the barracks, over and above their
 personal living area, spotlessly clean.

 When the day of the inspection came around and everyone was
 lined up outside, the guy in charge of the latrines quickly
 disappeared inside to do a "last minute check".  What he
 actually did was place a large blob of peanut butter in the
 toilet seat.

 The colonel came, inspected the men and went inside to
 complete his inspection of the barracks, accompanied by the
 staff sergeant.  Suddenly a roar rose from the latrines:

 Colonel: "Private!"

 Private runs inside.

 "'Yes, sir!"

 "What's this?"

 Private dips finger in substance, places finger in mouth.

 "It's shit, sir!"

 The colonel instantly threw up over the entire latrine.
 The next day, the colonel spotted the pivate from halfway
 across the parade ground and threw up again (presumably
 the private was doing his ten thousandth push-up at the

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
 "In the 'All Female Collage #196' I recognized Alexis'
 story. I was there; it actually happened! -- unless it
 happened twice!

 I was in basic training at Fort Dix, New Jersey, in March
 and April 1954, in Fort Devens, Massachusetts from May to
 sometime late in 1954, -- and in Fort Bragg, North Carolina
 most of 1955.  I believe it happened at Fort Dix but it may
 have been one of the other two places.  I remember the
 incident distinctly; I've been telling the story for years.
 It's one of my kids' favorites.

 As I recall, the Colonel said, "*What* is *that*?" and the
 Private, after tasting it, answered in only two words,
 "Shit, Sir!"  I don't remember the vomiting; I remember
 one hell of a lot of shouting!  The guy who did it *threw*
 a gob into the side of the bowl, above the water line,
 where it stuck.

 And "Texas Big Bird" says:

 "I first heard the 'peanut butter - tastes like shit' story
 when in basic training at Keesler AFB Mississippi in 1961.
 36 years later, here it is again.  I guess that proves
 there is really nothing new under the Sun.

 THE IDIOT!!  If he hadn't admitted to that, he would have
 been up for a promotion at work!"

Subj:     The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 in 1997 (S41)

 The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier,
 "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

 To which he replies, "Venereal disease."

 "Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

 "A wire brush and Dettol."

 "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

 "To get out of here and serve my country."

 "Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the
 next bed.  "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

 To which he replies, "Piles."

 Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

 "A wire brush and Dettol."

 "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

 "To get out of here and serve my country"

 "Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next
 bed.  "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

 To which he replies "Strepthroat."

 "Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

 "A wire brush and Dettol."

 "Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

 "To get to the wire brush before those other two bastards!"

Subj:     Toy Soldier To Be Beheaded In Iraq
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward
..........in 2005 (S418)
 Source: (Removed from apnews.myway.com)

 The AP News Story of a US soldier in Iraq who was to be
 beheaded was viewed at the above source.  The soldier
 turned out to be a 12 inch doll and can be viewed by
 clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
..........................Capture Sadam from Smiley_Central