Subj:     Santa and Elf Jokes
                 (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 28989,18,cf,wYT2b,12)

          Click "Here" for Santa-Supp

The Teachers Lounge

Includes the following:  Santa With Elf Painting (S934 in Supp)
.........................Why Santa Didn't Answer your Letter - Video (S835 in Supp)
.........................The Real Santa (S252, S518 in Supp)
.........................Will Ferrell Is The New Santa Claus - Video (S987 in Supp)
.........................Reindeer Ensemble - Interactive SWF (S568c in Supp)
.........................Letters to Santa (S567c in Supp)
.........................A Bridge For Santa By Coca-Cola - Commercial (S987 in Sup)
.........................If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly... (S201 in Supp)
.........................Santa's Coming - Video (S981)
.........................Santa Catch - Game (S465b)
.........................Rudolph's Operation (S100, DU)
.........................Peanuts Comic Strip (S619b)
.........................Santa Balls2 - Game (S465)
.........................The Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (47, S777)
.........................The Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
.........................Santa's Elf Has Itchy Balls
.........................Deep Freeze - Game (S547)
.........................Little Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
.........................Santa's Reindeer (S248, S463)
.........................Santa's Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
.........................Santa Claus Is Super Claus
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S929)
.........................Santa Is A Woman! (S202)
.........................Santa's Going To Be Late (S201)
.........................Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats - Video (S989)
.........................Beautiful Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
.........................Santa Is Propositioned (46)
.........................In The Wrong Job - Cartoon (S413)
.........................Is There A Santa Claus?
.........................Memo From Santa Claus (S206)
.........................Letter From Santa (S45)
.........................Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves
.........................Short Santa And Elf Jokes
..............................Santa On Christmas Eve (S621b in Supp)
..............................Mallard Fillmore Comic Strip (S829 in Supp)
..............................Sleep In Heavenly Peace (S672b in Supp)
..............................A Beautiful Picture Of Santa (S626c in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (DU in Supp)
..............................The Flying McCoys (S621c in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Comic Strip (619b in Supp)
..............................Santa's Jigsaw - Interactive SWF (S622b in Supp)
..............................Santa Goes Hunting - Video (S620c in Supp)
..............................Mike Luckovich's Political Cartoon (S618c in Supp)
..............................A Christmas Story (S568b in Supp)
..............................Believe In Santa (S517b)
..............................North Pole Dancing (S516)
..............................Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
..............................Santa's North Pole Party (S455)
..............................Santa's Hot Tub - GIF (S464)
..............................The Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
..............................Santa's Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
..............................Dirty Santa Cartoon (S464)
..............................Email Santa (S463)

Also see BARBIE file  - 'Barbie's Letter To Santa:'
         CHRISTMAS1   - (whole file)
         CHRISTMAS2   - (whole file)
         CHRISTMAS3NBC- (whole file)
         CHRISTMAS4   - (whole file)
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Sunday School, Damnation, And Santa'
         FAIRYTALES   - 'The Three Little Pigs At Christmas' - Video
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa' - Video
         PROFESSOR    - 'Professor Santa Claus'
         RUSSIAN file - 'A Weather Man Named Rudolf'
         SANTA2-DRAW  - 'Dear Santa Letter'

Subj:     Santa's Coming (S981d)
          Published by Christmas Kitchen
          From: Konner Reed on Facebook on 10/29/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/EiCTLIST8f8
.......Click 'HERE' to see this beautiful, quiet video.
Subj:     Santa Catch (S465b,d)
          From: igiggle on 12/23/2005
 Source: http://bunnyherolabs.com/santa/

 In this silly SWF game, you catch falling presents.
 You can play it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Rudolph's Operation (S100, DU)
          From: smiles on 98-12-30

 Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a
 chance to rest.  And they deserved it.  They had done a
 good job.  Rudolph had a chance to do something he had
 wanted to do for a long time.  He made an appointment with
 a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his
 looks.  However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he
 wanted changed.  He was proud of his nose and the help he
 had given Santa because of it.  No, he was sensitive about
 his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears
 of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter.  So one
 week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna
 reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
 January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.

Subj:     Peanuts Comic Strip (S619b)
          By Charles M. Schultz on 12/10/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/peanuts/2008/12/10
Subj:     Santa Balls2 (S465d)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/21/2005
..........Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)

 Cute, witty game where you must get three similar balls in a
 straight line.  You can play the game by clicking 'HERE'.
 Game downloads a DCR file.

Subj:     The Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (S47, S777)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19

 Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his
 annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.  Four of
 his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
 the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning
 to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.  Then Mrs.
 Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.  This
 stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the
 reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
 birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
 knows where.  More Stress.

 Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
 cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
 the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a
 cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

 When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid
 the liquor and there was nothing to drink.  In his
 frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
 hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

 He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
 the straw it was made from.

 Just then  the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
 to the door.  He opened  the door and there was a little
 angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 The angel said:  "Where would you like to put this tree

 And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be
 on top of the Christmas tree.

Subj:     The Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
          By Anise Hollingshead
          From: igiggle on 12/6/2005
Picture from
Wonderland Bulgaria
 Source: (Removed from kidsdomain.com)

 You can read the Legend Of St. Nicolas by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Santa's Elf Has Itchy Balls

 One of santa's elves goes to the doctor with itchy balls,
 the doctors says "drop you pants, bend over, and I'll have
 a look at the problem".  The elve does this and while he's
 bent over the doctor say's "I think I see the problem".
 The elf see in the mirror the doctor picking up a large
 pair of cutters and starts to get worried, he is tense as
 he waits for the cutters but instead he hears snip, snip,
 snip but feels nothing... after a few minutes the doctor
 says "all done." the elf, feeling not pain or itching
 stands up, pulls up is pants and say what was the problem,
 the doctor says "well I just cut 3 inches off your furry

Subj:     Deep Freeze (S547 in Games2-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 7/10/2007
..........Source: (Removed from efreegame.com)

 Help Santa freeze the bad guys.  This cute, silly game can
 be played by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Little Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #196 on 97-09-10 07

 A little girl is in line to see Santa.
 When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,
 "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

 The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".

 Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
 "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

 "No", said the little girl.

 "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

Subj:     Santa's Reindeer (S248, S463)
          From: kmacinty on 11/1/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 12/8/2005
Drawing from darrell94590

 According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while
 both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
 each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning
 of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

 Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
 birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to every
 historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every
 single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen ...had to be a

 We should've known.  Only women would be able to drag a fat
 man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night,
 and not get lost.

Subj:     Santa's Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
          From: Cypriot on 12/13/2002

 Let's say there are 2 billion children in the world.

 Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
 and Buddhist children, so the workload is reduced to 15%
 of the total.  That leaves 378 million according to
 Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate
 of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
 One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

 Santa has to climb down and up each chimney.  Lets say
 that Santa jumps instead of climbing and that each jump
 on average burns 120 calories.  Jumping rope burns 20
 calories per minute.  At 60 jumps per minute, each jump
 burns 0.33 calories, but this jump is only an inch high.
 Santa has to jump 30 feet high, on average, to clear a
 chimney, so he burns 0.33 * 12 * 30 = 120 calories in
 one jump.  With running to and from the sleigh, let's
 say he burns 150 calories per house that he visits.

 At this pace of work, Santa will get extremely hungry,
 very quickly.  There are 3500 calories of worthwhile
 energy stored in a pound of body fat.  If Santa weighs
 300 pounds (150 pounds of body fat), then he has 525,000
 calories at his disposal (150 * 3500 = 525,000).

 Burning 150 calories per house, Santa will be completely
 depleted of energy after only 3,500 houses (assuming he
 gets into an aerobic zone where he is only burning fat
 stores for energy).

 This is where the children play a very important role.
 If they don't want Santa to starve to death, they need
 to help him replenish his calories.  What better way
 than with milk and cookies.  Santa needs 150 calories
 of energy at each house just to maintain his current
 level.  A glass of skim milk has 84 calories and 1
 cookie, on average, has 54 calories.  This means that
 at each house if Santa drinks a half glass of milk and
 eats 2 cookies, he should be okay (84 / 2 + 54*2 = 150).
 Santa's caloric balance per house is (150 calories in)
 - (150 calories out) = 0 net calories per house.  If
 Santa even gets even 1 extra calorie per house, he gains
 (98.1 million / 3500 calories per pound = 28028.57 pounds).

 However, this means Santa will eat (2 * 91.8 million =
 183.6 million) cookies on Christmas Eve.  And you thought
 you ate a lot of sweets at Christmas!

 Note for Santa: If you want to trim down somewhat, skip
 the milk and cookies at the last 3,500 houses.  Otherwise,
 to burn off the 150 pounds of fat, you'd have to run at
 10 miles per hours for 12.5 days straight.  Running at
 10 miles per hour will burn 1,750 calories per hour.
 That's 2 hours to burn 1 pound of fat.  (2 hours per pound
 * 150 pounds = 300 hours) to burn the fat.  (300 hours /
 24 hours per day = 12.5 days)  Otherwise, if you're a
 normal human, doing 45 minutes of cardio per day for 7
 days a week, it would take 400 days or a year and a month.

Subj:     Santa Claus Is Super Claus
          From: pns on 12/25/2000

 - How does he do it?  Santa Claus visits homes all over
 the world on Christmas Eve, but when you consider how
 many homes there are, how little time he has, and how
 much he has to carry - that is when you truly appreciate
 jolly old St. Nick.

 ABCNEWS' Robert Krulwich started the Santa investigation
 with a simple question: How many stops must Santa make?
 There are 2.2 billion children under 18 on the planet. But
 since most Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children do
 not expect a visit from Santa, 85 percent of the 2.2
 billion kids get taken off the list.  At this point, the
 math gets a little difficult, so Krulwich turned to a
 Stuyvesant High School teacher in New York City for help.
 Physics teacher Stanley Teitel assumes there might be 2.5
 kids in each home on Santa's list.  In those homes, there
 is probably at least one good kid.  This is where the math
 gets really difficult.  "OK, we're assuming that there are
 approximately 132 times 10 to the sixth, that's 132 million
 Christian homes worldwide," Teitel said.  The next question
 is: How much time does Santa actually have to do this job?
 Well, if the 132 million homes are evenly distributed
 around the surface of the Earth and if Santa heads west in
 a kind of random, zigzag pattern across 24 time zones -
 constantly staying in darkness as much as he can - he'd
 cover about 175 million land miles.  The oceans don't count,
 since fish don't get gifts.  He would have about 31 hours
 to do it.  "That's 1,178 homes per second," Teitel said.
 "Every second he must hit 1,178 homes."  So when Santa
 arrives at each home, he has a scant 8/100,000 of a second
 to park the sleigh, heave himself down the chimney, fill
 the stockings, take care of the tree, eat the cookies,
 drink the milk, head back up the chimney and get back on
 the sled.  And the scene repeats itself every second.  And
 Santa wouldn't be Santa if he wasn't carrying a huge sack
 of toys.  If each child gets one toy, averaging 2 pounds
 each, that must be multiplied by 330 million children.
 The total - 660 million pounds.  And that does not include
 Santa himself who, on close inspection, is not thin.  So
 that means somebody has got to haul a sleigh that weighs
 the equivalent of four times the tonnage of the Queen
 Elizabeth 2.  So how many Rudolphs, Prancers, Dancers and
 Blitzens does it take to pull such a huge weight?  It's a
 bit more than you might have heard in the past.  In fact,
 Teitel calculates that Santa would need, 2.2 times 10 to
 the fifth, or, 220,000 reindeer.  Imagine 220,000 reindeer
 going at a speed that the reporting team calculated at
 7,800 times the speed of sound. That would create a sonic
 boom that would wake up every child on the planet.  So, the
 final question is: Are we dealing here with something from
 the familiar physical universe?  "I would suspect not,"
 Teitel says. "I would suspect we're dealing with someone
 who's very special, and has been given powers to be able
 to do his job."

 Well, after all, Santa Claus is a saint.

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S929)
          By Dan Piraro on 11/12/2009
          From: Billie Barbier on Facebook
 Source: http://www.bizarro.com/comics/november-12-2009/
Subj:     Santa Is A Woman! (S202)
          From: BartendJOTD on 12/12/2000

 I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy
 sacred myth, but I believe he is a she.  Think about it...
 Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
 deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
 pull it all off.

 For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
 selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.  Once at the mall, they
 always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
 wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves.  On this count
 alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

 Surely if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
 up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under
 the tree, still in the bag.

 Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.  First
 of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be
 dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh
 amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been
 extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the

 Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
 transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost
 up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and
 ask for directions.

 Other reasons Santa can't possibly be a woman:

 Men can't pack a bag.

 Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

 Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having
 been seen with all those elves.

 Men don't answer their mail.

 Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described,
 even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful
 of jelly".

 Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
 wearing them.

 Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
 their ability to pick up women.

 Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a

 Now, I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
 are men, like:

 Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
 Definite guy.

 Cupid flies around carrying weapons, Uncle Sam is a politician
 who likes to point fingers.

 Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
 screening test.  But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Subj:     Santa's Going To Be Late (S201)
          From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000

 This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas
 may be a little late this year.

 See, after checking all the boxes to see who is naughty and
 who is nice and tallying them up, I found some problems with
 the results.

 The first result showed:
 428,534,120 Good
 428,523,119 Bad

 The second result showed:
 428,534,118 Good
 428,523,121 Bad

 So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver
 presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe
 Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.

 So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. to
 help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm
 on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it
 might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear
 to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they

 You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used
 were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were
 just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't
 even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to
 decide what I meant.

 So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no
 presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the
 story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these


Subj:     Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats (S989d)
          From: Freshpet
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/y6NS77HLjEE
.......Click 'HERE' to see these adorable dogs
.............and cats dressed as Santa's elves.
Subj:     Beautiful Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
          From: thebartend on 12/22/1999

 A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
 so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
 Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling
 the stockings.  He is about to leave when the girl, who happens
 to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,
 "Oh Santa, please stay.  Keep the chill away."

 Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta
 get the presents to the children, you know."

 The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties
 and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh, Santa, don't
 run a mile; just stay for a while."

 Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go,
 gotta go.  Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

 The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa.
 Please.  Stay."

 Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go,
 gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

 She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa...
 Please... Stay...."

 Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY
 HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay!  Can't get up the chimney
 this way!"

Subj:     Santa Is Propositioned (46)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 09 Dec 97

 Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a
 beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival.  She begged
 him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.  Santa
 declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go.  Gotta deliver these
 presents, you know."

 Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing
 down to her underwear.  "OH Santa, won't you please stay?"
 she  queried.. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said
 "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta  deliver these presents you know."

 Not to be denied, this gorgeous female  stripped off every
 stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly
 "Oh, Santa, please reconsider?  Stay with me?"  With a
 pained look on his  face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho,
 gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."  And
 with that, he turned and left.

 Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping
 himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
 "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.  Santa grinned
 and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay.  Can't get up the chimney
 THIS way!"

Subj:     In The Wrong Job (S413)
          From: DafterLafter on 12/14/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     Is There A Santa Claus?
          From: drgolfmd on 12/2/2008

 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with
 research help from that renown scientific journal SPY
 magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the
 annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

 1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are
 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
 and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not
 COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
 ever seen.

 2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
 world.  BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
 Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces
 the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
 to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average  (census)
 rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
 homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in

 3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
 to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
 assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
 This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is to say
 that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
 has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
 jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
 remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
 been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
 sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each
 of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
 the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for
 the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are
 now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most
 of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
 and etc.

 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per
 second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of
 comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the
 Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second
 - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
 element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than
 a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying
 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
 described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer
 can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that
 "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the
 normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
 nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the
 payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh -
 to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this is four
 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

 5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
 creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the
 reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering
 the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer will
 absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.
 Each.  In short, they will burst into flame almost
 instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
 create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire
 reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
 of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
 centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
 A 250-pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be
 pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of

 In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
 Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Subj:     Memo From Santa Claus (S206)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/12/2001

 To: All Parents
 CC: Good little boys and girls
 From: Santa Claus
 Subject: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE

 I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
 no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on
 Christmas Eve.  Due to the overwhelming population of the
 earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
 and Elves Local #209.  I now serve only certain areas of
 Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.  As part of
 the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
 milk and cookies, so keep that  in mind.

 However, I am certain that your children will be in good
 hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
 cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the
 South Pole.  He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
 good boys and girls.  However, there are a few differences
 between us, such as:

 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
 presents from Bubba Claus.
 He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
 that reads: "These toys
 insured by Smith and Wesson."

 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
 children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
 fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
 snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
 coon dogs instead of reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning
 him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Dasher's head now
 overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
 Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll
 hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
 are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
 sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
 back with the words "Back Off."

 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in
 your negotiated viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
 Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
 Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
 crashing into each other.

 And Finally,

 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
 sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
 bends over to put presents under the tree.

 Sincerely Yours,
 Santa Claus
 (Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209

Subj:     Letter From Santa (S45)
          From: cohen#il on 97-12-06

 The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
 elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has
 triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will
 be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at
 the North Pole.

 Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that
 the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift
 distribution business.  Home shopping channels and mail
 order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share
 and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion
 of the profit picture.

 The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
 purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
 annual trip.  Improved productivity from Dasher and
 Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School,
 is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
 discernible loss of service.  Reduction in reindeer will
 also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which
 the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable

 I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role
 will not be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for some-
 thing at the North Pole.  Management denies, in the
 strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
 Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
 substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the
 sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
 unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
 taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to
 be under executive stress.

 As a further restructuring, today's global challenges
 require the North Pole to continue to look for better,
 more competitive steps.  Effective immediately, the
 following economy measures are to take place in the
 "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

 - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
 turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be
 replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
 savings in maintenance;

 - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
 simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
 during working hours could not be condoned.  The positions
 are therefore eliminated;

 - The three French hens will remain intact.  After all,
 everyone loves the French;

 - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
 voice mail system, with a call waiting option.  An analysis
 is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
 how often and how long they talked;

 - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
 of Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one
 commodity could have negative implications for institutional
 investors.  Diversification into other precious metals as
 well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear
 to be in order;

 - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can
 no longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the
 production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
 of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let
 go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
 will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
 will be a good one;

 - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen
 in better times.  The function is primarily decorative.
 Mechanical swans are on order.  The current swans will be
 retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
 their outplacement;

 - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
 under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance
 in the workforce is being sought.  The more militant maids
 consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
 Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
 a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

 - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This
 function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
 and can no longer do the steps;

 - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords
 plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
 Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
 ten out-of-work congressmen.  While leaping ability may be
 somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
 expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

 - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
 simple case of the band getting too big.  A substitution
 with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
 uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
 to the bottom line;

 We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
 fowl, animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete,
 studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
 days is inefficient.  If we can drop ship in one day,
 service levels will be improved.

 Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
 seeking expansion to include the legal profession
 ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

 Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts
 may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.
 Should that happen, the Board will request management to
 scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
 dwarfs is the right number.


 S. Claus

Subj:     Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19

10. After too much egg nog, Mrs. Claus is "all hands".
 9. Ever since they hit the big time, those dang
    Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.
 8. Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"
 7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.
 6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi, and Santa gets in naked.
 5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to
    the McCaughey septuplets.
 4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to
    nearest strip club.
 3. Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box
    marked "elf".
 2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.
 1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash. *

Subj:     Short Santa And Elf Jokes (S151)

Subj:     Believe In Santa (S517b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/11/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 This is a very cute, dirty comic strip.  You can view it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     North Pole Dancing (S516d)
          From: tnkr on 12/4/06
..........Source: http://www.northpoledancing.com/
 Put your face on dancing Santa and teach him different dances.
 You can play by clicking 'HERE'.  The version on my web site
 does NOT import faces.

Subj:     Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
 (See 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa' in MARRIAGE3)
 Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
 drunk are walking down the street together when they
 simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
 The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical

Subj:     Santa's North Pole Party (S455)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/24/2005
 Source: (Removed from home.att.net)
 Cute, lively, fun web page.  You can see by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Santa's Hot Tub (S464)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/20/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cute animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
          From: agrief on 11/28/2001
 1. You believe in Santa Claus.
 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3. You are Santa Claus.
 4. You look like Santa Claus.

Subj:     Santa's Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005
.Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this naughty but nice picture by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Dirty Santa Cartoon (S464)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/12/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this dirty, well done cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Ho-Ho-Ho.wav
          From: JNIstudios on 12/12/2005
 Source: (Removed from members.aol.com)
Santa's picture from
Trivia Park
 You can listen to Santa's laugh by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Email Santa (S463)
          From: igiggle on 12/12/2005
          Source: http://www.emailsanta.com/

Cute site for kids.  It has many activities.

 Click on the source above to go to the site.
                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central