Santa and Elf Jokes
(Includes 35 jokes and articles, 28989,18,cf,wYT2b,12)
Click "Here" for Santa-Supp
Includes the following: Santa
With Elf Painting (S934 in Supp)
.........................Why Santa Didn't Answer your Letter - Video (S835 in Supp)
.........................The Real Santa (S252, S518 in Supp)
.........................Will Ferrell Is The New Santa Claus - Video (S987 in Supp)
.........................Reindeer Ensemble - Interactive SWF (S568c in Supp)
.........................Letters to Santa (S567c in Supp)
.........................A Bridge For Santa By Coca-Cola - Commercial (S987 in Sup)
.........................If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly... (S201 in Supp)
.........................Santa's Coming - Video (S981)
.........................Santa Catch - Game (S465b)
.........................Rudolph's Operation (S100, DU)
.........................Peanuts Comic Strip (S619b)
.........................Santa Balls2 - Game (S465)
.........................The Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (47, S777)
.........................The Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
.........................Santa's Elf Has Itchy Balls
.........................Deep Freeze - Game (S547)
.........................Little Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
.........................Santa's Reindeer (S248, S463)
.........................Santa's Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
.........................Santa Claus Is Super Claus
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S929)
.........................Santa Is A Woman! (S202)
.........................Santa's Going To Be Late (S201)
.........................Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats - Video (S989)
.........................Beautiful Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
.........................Santa Is Propositioned (46)
.........................In The Wrong Job - Cartoon (S413)
.........................Is There A Santa Claus?
.........................Memo From Santa Claus (S206)
.........................Letter From Santa (S45)
.........................Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves
.........................Short Santa And Elf Jokes
..............................Santa On Christmas Eve (S621b in Supp)
..............................Mallard Fillmore Comic Strip (S829 in Supp)
..............................Sleep In Heavenly Peace (S672b in Supp)
..............................A Beautiful Picture Of Santa (S626c in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (DU in Supp)
..............................The Flying McCoys (S621c in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Comic Strip (619b in Supp)
..............................Santa's Jigsaw - Interactive SWF (S622b in Supp)
..............................Santa Goes Hunting - Video (S620c in Supp)
..............................Mike Luckovich's Political Cartoon (S618c in Supp)
..............................A Christmas Story (S568b in Supp)
..............................Believe In Santa (S517b)
..............................North Pole Dancing (S516)
..............................Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
..............................Santa's North Pole Party (S455)
..............................Santa's Hot Tub - GIF (S464)
..............................The Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
..............................Santa's Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
..............................Dirty Santa Cartoon (S464)
..............................Email Santa (S463)
Also see BARBIE file - 'Barbie's
Letter To Santa:'
CHRISTMAS1 - (whole file)
CHRISTMAS2 - (whole file)
CHRISTMAS3NBC- (whole file)
CHRISTMAS4 - (whole file)
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Sunday School, Damnation, And Santa'
FAIRYTALES - 'The Three Little Pigs At Christmas' - Video
MARRIAGE3 - 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa' - Video
PROFESSOR - 'Professor Santa Claus'
RUSSIAN file - 'A Weather Man Named Rudolf'
SANTA2-DRAW - 'Dear Santa Letter'
Subj: Santa's Coming (S981d)
Published by Christmas Kitchen
From: Konner Reed on Facebook on 10/29/2015
.......Click 'HERE' to see this beautiful, quiet video.
Santa Catch (S465b,d)
From: igiggle on 12/23/2005
In this silly SWF game, you catch
You can play it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Rudolph's Operation (S100, DU)
From: smiles on 98-12-30
Christmas was over. Santa and
his reindeer finally had a
chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a
good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had
wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with
a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his
looks. However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he
wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he
had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about
his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears
of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one
week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna
reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
Subj: Peanuts Comic Strip (S619b)
By Charles M. Schultz on 12/10/2008
Santa Balls2 (S465d)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/21/2005
..........Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Cute, witty game where you must
get three similar balls in a
straight line. You can play the game by clicking 'HERE'.
Game downloads a DCR file.
Subj: The Day Santa Wasn't Jolly (S47, S777)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19
Not long ago and far away, Santa
was getting ready for his
annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs.
Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the
reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the
sleigh one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a
cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard,
he found the elves had hid
the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell
rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where
would you like to put this tree
And that my friend, is how the
little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree.
The Legend Of St. Nicholas (S463)
By Anise Hollingshead
From: igiggle on 12/6/2005
You can read the Legend Of St. Nicolas by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Santa's Elf Has Itchy Balls
One of santa's elves goes to
the doctor with itchy balls,
the doctors says "drop you pants, bend over, and I'll have
a look at the problem". The elve does this and while he's
bent over the doctor say's "I think I see the problem".
The elf see in the mirror the doctor picking up a large
pair of cutters and starts to get worried, he is tense as
he waits for the cutters but instead he hears snip, snip,
snip but feels nothing... after a few minutes the doctor
says "all done." the elf, feeling not pain or itching
stands up, pulls up is pants and say what was the problem,
the doctor says "well I just cut 3 inches off your furry
Deep Freeze (S547 in Games2-Supp)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 7/10/2007
..........Source: (Removed from efreegame.com)
Help Santa freeze the bad guys.
This cute, silly game can
be played by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Little Girl On Santa's Lap (S183)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #196 on 97-09-10 07
A little girl is in line to see
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl
for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken".
"No", said the little girl.
"She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
Santa's Reindeer (S248, S463)
From: kmacinty on 11/1/2001
and From: darrell94590 on 12/8/2005
|Drawing from darrell94590|
According to the Alaska Department
of Fish and Game, while
both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning
of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their
antlers till after they give
birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every
single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen ...had to be a
We should've known. Only
women would be able to drag a fat
man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night,
and not get lost.
Subj: Santa's Christmas Night Diet (S306b)
From: Cypriot on 12/13/2002
Let's say there are 2 billion children in the world.
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle
the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, so the workload is reduced to 15%
of the total. That leaves 378 million according to
Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has to climb down and up
each chimney. Lets say
that Santa jumps instead of climbing and that each jump
on average burns 120 calories. Jumping rope burns 20
calories per minute. At 60 jumps per minute, each jump
burns 0.33 calories, but this jump is only an inch high.
Santa has to jump 30 feet high, on average, to clear a
chimney, so he burns 0.33 * 12 * 30 = 120 calories in
one jump. With running to and from the sleigh, let's
say he burns 150 calories per house that he visits.
At this pace of work, Santa will
get extremely hungry,
very quickly. There are 3500 calories of worthwhile
energy stored in a pound of body fat. If Santa weighs
300 pounds (150 pounds of body fat), then he has 525,000
calories at his disposal (150 * 3500 = 525,000).
Burning 150 calories per house,
Santa will be completely
depleted of energy after only 3,500 houses (assuming he
gets into an aerobic zone where he is only burning fat
stores for energy).
This is where the children play
a very important role.
If they don't want Santa to starve to death, they need
to help him replenish his calories. What better way
than with milk and cookies. Santa needs 150 calories
of energy at each house just to maintain his current
level. A glass of skim milk has 84 calories and 1
cookie, on average, has 54 calories. This means that
at each house if Santa drinks a half glass of milk and
eats 2 cookies, he should be okay (84 / 2 + 54*2 = 150).
Santa's caloric balance per house is (150 calories in)
- (150 calories out) = 0 net calories per house. If
Santa even gets even 1 extra calorie per house, he gains
(98.1 million / 3500 calories per pound = 28028.57 pounds).
However, this means Santa will
eat (2 * 91.8 million =
183.6 million) cookies on Christmas Eve. And you thought
you ate a lot of sweets at Christmas!
Note for Santa: If you want to
trim down somewhat, skip
the milk and cookies at the last 3,500 houses. Otherwise,
to burn off the 150 pounds of fat, you'd have to run at
10 miles per hours for 12.5 days straight. Running at
10 miles per hour will burn 1,750 calories per hour.
That's 2 hours to burn 1 pound of fat. (2 hours per pound
* 150 pounds = 300 hours) to burn the fat. (300 hours /
24 hours per day = 12.5 days) Otherwise, if you're a
normal human, doing 45 minutes of cardio per day for 7
days a week, it would take 400 days or a year and a month.
Subj: Santa Claus Is Super Claus
From: pns on 12/25/2000
- How does he do it? Santa
Claus visits homes all over
the world on Christmas Eve, but when you consider how
many homes there are, how little time he has, and how
much he has to carry - that is when you truly appreciate
jolly old St. Nick.
ABCNEWS' Robert Krulwich started
the Santa investigation
with a simple question: How many stops must Santa make?
There are 2.2 billion children under 18 on the planet. But
since most Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children do
not expect a visit from Santa, 85 percent of the 2.2
billion kids get taken off the list. At this point, the
math gets a little difficult, so Krulwich turned to a
Stuyvesant High School teacher in New York City for help.
Physics teacher Stanley Teitel assumes there might be 2.5
kids in each home on Santa's list. In those homes, there
is probably at least one good kid. This is where the math
gets really difficult. "OK, we're assuming that there are
approximately 132 times 10 to the sixth, that's 132 million
Christian homes worldwide," Teitel said. The next question
is: How much time does Santa actually have to do this job?
Well, if the 132 million homes are evenly distributed
around the surface of the Earth and if Santa heads west in
a kind of random, zigzag pattern across 24 time zones -
constantly staying in darkness as much as he can - he'd
cover about 175 million land miles. The oceans don't count,
since fish don't get gifts. He would have about 31 hours
to do it. "That's 1,178 homes per second," Teitel said.
"Every second he must hit 1,178 homes." So when Santa
arrives at each home, he has a scant 8/100,000 of a second
to park the sleigh, heave himself down the chimney, fill
the stockings, take care of the tree, eat the cookies,
drink the milk, head back up the chimney and get back on
the sled. And the scene repeats itself every second. And
Santa wouldn't be Santa if he wasn't carrying a huge sack
of toys. If each child gets one toy, averaging 2 pounds
each, that must be multiplied by 330 million children.
The total - 660 million pounds. And that does not include
Santa himself who, on close inspection, is not thin. So
that means somebody has got to haul a sleigh that weighs
the equivalent of four times the tonnage of the Queen
Elizabeth 2. So how many Rudolphs, Prancers, Dancers and
Blitzens does it take to pull such a huge weight? It's a
bit more than you might have heard in the past. In fact,
Teitel calculates that Santa would need, 2.2 times 10 to
the fifth, or, 220,000 reindeer. Imagine 220,000 reindeer
going at a speed that the reporting team calculated at
7,800 times the speed of sound. That would create a sonic
boom that would wake up every child on the planet. So, the
final question is: Are we dealing here with something from
the familiar physical universe? "I would suspect not,"
Teitel says. "I would suspect we're dealing with someone
who's very special, and has been given powers to be able
to do his job."
Well, after all, Santa Claus is a saint.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S929)
By Dan Piraro on 11/12/2009
From: Billie Barbier on Facebook
Subj: Santa Is A Woman! (S202)
From: BartendJOTD on 12/12/2000
I think Santa Claus is a woman.
I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe he is a she. Think about it...
Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off.
For starters, the vast majority
of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely if he were a man, everyone
in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa
would be getting there. First
of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be
dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh
amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost
up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and
ask for directions.
Other reasons Santa can't possibly be a woman:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity
is threatened... having
been seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their
physique to be described,
even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful
Men aren't interested in stockings
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing
would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for
Christmas would require a
Now, I can buy the fact that
other mythical holiday characters
are men, like:
Father Time shows up once a year
unshaven and looking ominous.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons,
Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Subj: Santa's Going To Be Late (S201)
From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000
This is Santa and I just wanted
to let you know that Christmas
may be a little late this year.
See, after checking all the boxes
to see who is naughty and
who is nice and tallying them up, I found some problems with
The first result showed:
The second result showed:
So you see, I can't, with good
faith, go out and deliver
presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe
Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help
of all my elves and the Mrs. to
help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm
on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it
might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear
to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they
You know, Good...and Bad??? And
the check marks I used
were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were
just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't
even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to
decide what I meant.
So if you wake up on Christmas
morning, and there are no
presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the
story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these
Subj: Santa's Elves - Dogs And Cats (S989d)
.......Click 'HERE' to see these adorable dogs
.............and cats dressed as Santa's elves.
Subj: Beautiful Girl Waits For Santa (S151)
From: thebartend on 12/22/1999
A beautiful innocent young girl
wants to meet Santa Claus
so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling
the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens
to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,
"Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta
go, gotta go, gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal
a sexy bra and panties
and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh, Santa, don't
run a mile; just stay for a while."
Santa begins to sweat but replies,
"HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and
says, "Oh, Santa.
Santa wipes his brow but replies,
"HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says,
Santa, with sweat pouring off
his brow, says, "HEY
HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney
Subj: Santa Is Propositioned (46)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 09 Dec 97
Santa was delivering gifts as
usual, when at one house a
beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged
him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa
declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these
presents, you know."
Trying again, the lovely young
thing removed her clothing
down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?"
she queried.. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said
"Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
Not to be denied, this gorgeous
female stripped off every
stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly
"Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a
pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And
with that, he turned and left.
Several minutes passed, and Santa
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked. Santa grinned
and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney
Subj: In The Wrong Job (S413)
From: DafterLafter on 12/14/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Is There A Santa Claus?
From: drgolfmd on 12/2/2008
As a result of an overwhelming
lack of requests, and with
research help from that renown scientific journal SPY
magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the
annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of
reindeer can fly. BUT there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not
COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
2) There are 2 billion
children (persons under 18) in the
world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces
the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in
3) Santa has 31 hours of
Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say
that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for
the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are
now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most
of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
This means that Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per
second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh
adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than
a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying
321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
"flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the
normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh -
to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling
at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the
reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering
the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will
absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
In conclusion - If Santa ever
DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Subj: Memo From Santa Claus (S206)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/12/2001
To: All Parents
CC: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Subject: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that,
effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your
children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the
South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences
between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of the
Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled
by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning
him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Dasher's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet,
on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced
by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway
laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a
belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under the tree.
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Subj: Letter From Santa (S45)
From: cohen#il on 97-12-06
The recent announcement that
Donner and Blitzen have
elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has
triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will
be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at
the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate
in view of the reality that
the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift
distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail
order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share
and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion
of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made
possible through the
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School,
is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will
also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which
the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
I am pleased to inform you and
yours that Rudolph's role
will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for some-
thing at the North Pole. Management denies, in the
strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the
sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to
be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's
require the North Pole to continue to look for better,
more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained,
but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent
a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The positions
are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will
remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were
replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis
is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have
been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one
commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear
to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes
a luxury which can
no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming
is obviously a number chosen
in better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking
concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance
in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always
been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve
drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction
in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by
the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration
that deeper cuts
may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management to
scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.
Subj: Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19
10. After too much egg nog, Mrs. Claus
is "all hands".
9. Ever since they hit the big time, those dang
Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.
8. Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"
7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.
6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi, and Santa gets in naked.
5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to
the McCaughey septuplets.
4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to
nearest strip club.
3. Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box
2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.
1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash. *
Subj: Short Santa And Elf Jokes (S151)
Believe In Santa (S517b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/11/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
North Pole Dancing (S516d)
From: tnkr on 12/4/06
Subj: Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill (S256b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
(See 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa' in MARRIAGE3)
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
Santa's North Pole Party (S455)
From: darrell94590 on 12/24/2005
Santa's Hot Tub (S464)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/20/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: The Four Stages Of Life: (S252)
From: agrief on 11/28/2001
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Santa's Warm Weather Helpers (S464)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005
.Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Dirty Santa Cartoon (S464)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/12/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
From: JNIstudios on 12/12/2005
Source: (Removed from members.aol.com)
|Santa's picture from
Email Santa (S463)
From: igiggle on 12/12/2005
Cute site for kids. It has many activities.