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Subj:     Genie Jokes
                 (Includes 33 jokes and articles, 21788,4,cf.md4w,4)

Genie from
Blaufalkes Bonepage
Includes the following:  Marriage Fairy - Video (S457)
.........................Wish For Peace In Middle East (S499b)
.........................Two Arab Terrorists In A Shower (S498)
.........................Minnesota Fishing Genie (S463, S707)
.........................Prince Charles Kills Mom's Dog (S429b)
.........................Guy Finds Bottle On Beach (S312b)
.........................Genie Grants Third Wish (S306b, S524b)
.........................Old Couple Get Wishes f/Fairy (S232)
.........................Three Computer People Find A Genie (S171, S622c)
.........................Genie Of The Lamp Sunday Comic Strip (S486c)
.........................Dennis Rodman Finds A Bottle (S130)
.........................The Government Genie (S118)
.........................Tonto, The Indian Genie
.........................Three Blondes Find A Genie (S68)
.........................Three Blondes Find A Fairy (S115)
.........................Frog Grants One Wish (S317b)
.........................Three Wishes From A Frog Genie (S97, S578b)
.........................Three Wishes From A Frog Genie II (S230, S560c)
.........................Three Wishes From A Frog Genie III Sunday Comic Strip (S468b)
.........................Man's One Wish Is For Luck For A Day
.........................Wife's Golf Shot Breaks Window (S504)
.........................Man Finds Genie On Beach, But Lawyers Get DOUBLE
.........................Mother-In-Law Gets Twice
.........................Three Guys, A Genie, And A Cliff
.........................Three Wishes On The Beach
.........................Two Genies On Beach
.........................Jewish Genie (S224)
.........................The IRS Genie (S390, S653b)
.........................Four Different Races Find Genie (S465b, S788)
.........................Three Stranded Women Find Genie
.........................Canadian, Bin Ladin And Uncle Sam Find Genie (S244, S532b)
.........................Man Wishes For Road To Hawaii (S520)
.........................The Good Fairy And The Small Dick Sunday Comic Strips (S596)

Also see BAR2 file    - 'Bar With Genie'
         BIRTHDAY     - 'Couples 60th Birthdays'
         CANADIAN     - 'Newfie, Quebecer, And Albertan Find Genie'
         CLINTON file - 'Clinton Meets A Genie'
         CLINTON-SCDL2- 'Monica Meets Genie'
.........COWBOY file  - 'Cowboy Gets Three Wishes From A Snake'
         DRINKINGBEER1- 'Two Guys In Life Boat Find Genie'
         ELDERLY1-SUPP- 'The Wishing Well'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Cinderella At 75' (3 Wishes. A Cat And A Fairy)
         FISHING1 file- 'Three Fishermen Catch Mermaid'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Irishman And The Genie'
         LEPRECHAUN   -  (See whole file)
         PENIS1 file  - 'Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Pees Vodka'
         WAITER file  - 'Man And Ostrich Enter Restaurant'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Marriage Fairy (S457d)
          From: auntiegah
          on 10/22/2005
 Source: http://www.funtown.com/marriage/marriage.cfm

 This is a cute, old joke told in a SWF video with drawings.
 You can view it at the source above, or on my site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Wish For Peace In Middle East (S499b, DU)
          From: jbcary1 on 8/13/2006

 A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.  The amazed
 woman asked if she got three wishes.  The genie said, "Nope,
 sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish
 genie. So...What'll it be?"

 The woman did not hesitate.  She said, "I want peace in the
 Middle East.  See this map? I want these countries to stop
 fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
 the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.  It will bring about
 world peace and harmony."

 The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be
 reasonable.  These countries have been at war for thousands
 of years.  I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five
 hundred years.  I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it
 can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

 The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
 been able to find the right man.  You know - one that's
 considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house
 cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family,
 doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.  That
 is what I wish for...........a good man."

 The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking
 map again."

Top
Subj:     Two Arab Terrorists In A Shower (S498, DU)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/7/2006

 Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower
 after their bomb making class, when one notices the other
 has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

 If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that
 cork looks very uncomfortable.  Why do you not take it
 out?"

 I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is
 permanently stuck in my butt."

 "I do not understand," said the other.

 The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and
 I tripped over an oil lamp.  There was a puff of smoke,
 and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with
 a white beard and top hat came boiling out.  He said,
 "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.  I can grant you one wish."

 I said, "No shit?"

Top
Subj:     Minnesota Fishing Genie (S463, S707)
          From: auntiegah on 12/7/2005
          (Also see 'Bar With Genie' in BAR2)

 Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
 Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

 "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.  Then reaching
 into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in
 his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"

 "Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

 "You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.

 "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.

 "Could I see him?"  So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough,
 out pops the genie.

 Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend
 of your master.  Vill you grant me vun vish?

 "Yes, I will," says the genie.  So Sven asks the genie for a
 million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box
 leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

 Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
 ducks...flying overhead.  Over the roar of the million ducks
 Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks,
 not a million ducks!"

 Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of
 hearing.  Doyew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Top
Subj:     Prince Charles Kills Mom's Dog (S429b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 4/14/2005
          (See 'Man Wishes For Road To Hawaii' below)

 Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
 accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it
 to a pulp.  He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the
 grass totally  distraught.  The whole world was against him
 and now his mother would go ballistic.

 Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.  He dug
 it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.  'You
 have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said
 the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

 'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need,
 but let me show you this dog.'   They walk over to the splattered
 remains of the dog. 'Do you think  you could bring this dog back
 to life for me?! ' the Prince asked.

 The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
 'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
 Is there something else you would like?'  The Prince thought for
 a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled  out two photos. 'I
 was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,'  said Prince
 Charles, showing the genie the first photo.  'But now I love this
 woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo.
 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can
 make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

 The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
 'Let's have a look at that dog again.' ------------

Top
Subj:     Guy Finds Bottle On Beach (S312b, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/6/2003

 A guy is feeling depressed and goes for a walk on the beach.
 He finds an old bottle on the shore, and when he picks it up
 a spirit comes out and says, "You look tense. Would you like
 a good back rub?"

 "Well, actually, I'm depressed because I'm so broke.  I wish
 you would give me a million dollars instead."

 "I can't do that, but I can give you a back rub."

 "Aren't genies supposed to grant wishes?"

 "I'm not a genie.  Does that look like an oil lamp?  And you
 call what you did rubbing it?  I'll show you what a real
 rub is!"

 "If you're not a genie, what are you?"

 "Haven't you ever heard of a massage in a bottle?"

Top
Subj:     Genie Grants Third Wish (S306b, S524b)
          From: dogbyte on 11/11/2002
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/29/2007

 A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
 popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your
 third wish be?"

 The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?  How can I be
 getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second
 wish yet?"

 "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but
 your second wish was for me to put everything back the way
 it was before you made your first wish.  Thus, you remember
 nothing, because everything is the way it was before you
 made any wishes.  You now have one wish left."

 "Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the
 heck.  I've always wanted to understand women.  I'd love to
 know what's going on inside their heads."

 "Sheesh!  I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie
 as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was
 your first wish, too!"

Top
Subj:     Old Couple Get Wishes f/Fairy (S232)
          From: flovilla on 7/13/2001
          (Also see "Marriage Fairy" below)

 A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated
 their 60th birthdays.  During the celebration a fairy appeared
 and said that because they had been such a loving couple all
 those years, she would give them one wish each.

 The wife wanted to travel around the world.  The fairy waved
 her wand and boom!  She had the tickets in her hand.

 Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then
 said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger
 than me."

 The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.........

Top
Subj:     Three Computer People Find A Genie (S171, S622c)
          From: thebartend on 5/11/00
      and From: ginafm on 12/10/2008

 Three men: a project manager, a software developer, and a
 database engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period
 helping out on a project.  About midweek they decide to walk
 up and down the beach during their lunch hour.  Halfway up
 the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

 As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I
 would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I
 will grant you each one wish."

 The database engineer went first. "I would like to spend
 the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas,
 with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who
 worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on
 off to St. Thomas.

 The software developer went next. "I would like to spend the
 rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediter-
 ranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful
 women who worship me."  The genie granted him his wish and
 sent him off to the Mediterranean.

 Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.  "And
 what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

 "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Top
Subj:     Genie Of The Lamp Sunday Comic Strip (S486c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult 
          on 5/16/2006 
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060512

 This dirty, but cute Sunday comic strip can be seen at the
 above source, or on site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Dennis Rodman Finds A Bottle (S130, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 5/31/99

 Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach ? picks it up.

 Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle.
 "Master, May I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

 "Hey, Bitch...don't you know who I am?  I don't need no woman
 givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

 The genie pleads..."But Master, I must grant you a wish or I
 will be returned to this bottle forever."

 Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience
 of it all he says, "O.K., O.K...I wanna wake up with three women
 in my bed in the morning, so just do it!"  Giving the genie an
 evil glare, he screams, "Now leave me alone!"

 So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into
 the bottle.

 The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding
 ? Hillary Clinton in bed with him.  His penis is gone, his leg
 is broken and he has no health insurance.

Top
Subj:     The Government Genie (S118)
          From: ossama on 5/5/99

 A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of
 boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
 He pokes through the contents and comes across an old
 brass lamp.  "This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he
 decides, and takes it home with him.

 While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
 three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"
 He gets his beer and drinks it.  Now that he can think
 more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be
 on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

 Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing
 him lustfully.  He tells the genie his third and last
 wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

 POOF! He's back in his government office.

Top
Subj:     Tonto, The Indian Genie
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #154 on 98-06-23

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other
guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a
red man in a turban came oozing out.  He said, "I am Tonto,
Indian Genie.  I can grant-um you one wish."

And I said,  "No shit.''

Top
Subj:     Three Blondes Find A Genie (S68, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #119 on 98-05-14

 Three Blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of
 them finds lamp on the beach.  She picks it up and gives it
 a little rub and a genie pops out.  The genie looks at the
 three Blondes and says, "I normally give three wishes, but
 since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one
 wish."

 Well the first one is tired of being on the island, so she
 wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears.

 The second one says she too is tired of the island, and
 wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears.

 The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what
 her wish is.  "Gee,' she says, "I'm awfully lonely here
 by myself. I wish my friends were still here."

Top
Subj:     Three Blondes Find A Fairy (S115, DU)
          From: FrankRoesc on 4/7/99

 There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
 fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

 The first blond asks to be intelligent.  Instantly, she is
 turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.

 The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the
 previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black
 haired woman.  The black haired woman builds a boat and
 sails off the island.

 The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than
 the previous two.  The fairy turns her into a man, and he
 walks across the bridge.

Top
Subj:     Frog Grants One Wish (S317b, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/25/2003
          (See 'Man Wishes For Road To Hawaii' in this file)

 A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog
 crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able
 to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries
 him to the side of the road.

 The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he
 will grant him a wish.

 The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

 The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the
 car.  The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it
 very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man
 that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish
 and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

 The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next
 beauty contest in the area.  The frog asks him to tell his
 wife to get out of the car.

 Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

 The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have
 another look at the dog?"

Top
Subj:     Three Wishes From A Frog Genie (S97, S578b)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
      and From: RFSlick on 98-12-01

 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
 The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm
 not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it
 really is phenomenal!  I have a question though, why is
 your head so small?"

 The big guy nods slowly.  He's obviously fielded this
 question many times.  "One day," he begins, "I was hunting
 when I got lost in the woods.  I heard someone crying for
 help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog
 sitting next to a stream.  So I picked up the frog and it
 said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and
 grant you 3 wishes."

 I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog
 a kiss.  POOF!  The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous,
 naked woman.  She said, "You now have 3 wishes."  I looked
 down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body
 like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell,
 and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my
 clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What
 will be your second wish?"

 I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I
 want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."
 She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me.  We then made
 love for hours!  Later, as we lay there next to each other,
 sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into
 my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish.  What will it
 be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Top
Subj:     Three Wishes From A Frog Genie II (S230, S560c)
          From: gheckman on 6/25/2001
      and From: ginafm on 10/8/2007
          (Also see 'Mother-In-Law Gets Twice' in this file)

 A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into
 the woods.  She went to look for it and found a frog in a
 trap.  The frog said to her, "If you release me from this
 trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."  The woman freed the frog.

 The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there
 was a condition to your wishes and that is whatever you wish
 for, your husband will get 10 times better!"  The woman said
 that would be okay.

 For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman
 in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
 wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the
 world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."  The woman
 replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most
 beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

 So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

 For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
 the world.  The frog said, "That will make your husband the
 richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
 than you."  The woman said, "That will be okay because what's
 mine is his and what's his is mine."

 So, KAZAM, she's the richest woman in the world!

 The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
 "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 Moral of the story..................

 Women are clever bitches.  Don't mess with them!

Top
Subj:     Three Wishes From A Frog Genie III (S468b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/10/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060108

 You can view this cute, dirty Sunday comic strip at the
 above source, or on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Man's One Wish Is For Luck For A Day

 An guy is walking down the street and finds a lamp.  He
 rubs it a little and puts it in his pocket.  His arm keeps
 brushing against the lamp in his pocket.  Soon the lamp
 heats up and starts smoking. Poof!  Out comes a Genie and
 burns a hole in his pocket.

 "Look at what you did to my jacket.  How am I going to fix
 this?"

 "I am sorry about you jacket but I will grant you one wish
 and only one wish and forget about asking for more wishes
 as a wish!"

 "OK how about just give me good luck for the day"

 "OK you are now lucky, bye!"

 The man starts walking again and find 50 quid on the ground.
 He says "Wow I am lucky now I can go buy a new jacket"  On
 his way to the store he passes an Indian Restaurant and
 decides to go have a curry instead.

 He stuffs himself with food and drink.  The bill comes and
 it is more than 50 quid.  He apologizes and says he will
 have to go to the cashpoint to get more money.  The owner
 comes over and says not to worry "It is your lucky day!
 You are our 10,000th customer and dinner is free!  Is
 there anything else you would like - Wink!"

 "Uhh like *anything* else"

 "Yes as our special guest you may choose any of our
 beautiful daughters and go upstairs with her"

 So he pick one of the daughters and heads upstairs, they
 get undressed and start making love when the guy just gets
 up and starts getting dressed"

 She  "What's the matter?  Do I not please you?"

 "No it's not that"

 "Am I not beautiful enough?"

 "No it's not that either"

 "Am I too fat or too thin?" She asks really confused

 "No its not that, it is the dot on your forehead!"

 "Oh that, you can take it off if you like!  If that will
 please you"

 He scratches off the dot on her forehead and exclaims in
 a surprise  "WOW!  What Luck!  I just won a new car!!"

Top
Subj:     Wife's Golf Shot Breaks Window (S504)
          From: allenbergman on 9/15/2006

 A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.  Of
 course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through
 the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!  Now we'll
 have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
 much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
 A warm  voice said, "Come on in."  When they opened the door
 they saw the damage that was done:  Glass was all over the
 place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
 the pieces of window glass.

 Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on
 the couch with a turban on his head.  The wife said, "do you
 live here?" "no, someone just hit a ball through the window,
 knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that
 little bottle.  I am so grateful",. he answered.  The wife
 asked, "are you a genie?"  "oh why yes, I am.  In fact, I am
 so grateful, I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't
 mind,  I'll keep the last one for myself."

 "Wow, that's great!" the husband said.  He pondered a moment
 and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the
 rest of my life."

 "No problem," said the genie.  "You've got it, it's the least
 I can do.  And, I'll guarantee you a long ? healthy life!"

 "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
 every country in the world," she said.

 "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
 always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
 genie?"

 "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't
 been with a  woman in more than a thousand years, my wish
 is to have sex with your wife."   The husband looked at his
 wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a
 fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

 She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
 you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I
 wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.  I'd do
 the same for you!"

 So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
 the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The genie
 was insatiable.  After about three hours of non-stop sex,
 the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
 and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

 "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old..... and
 both of you still believe in genies?"

Top
Subj:     Man Finds Genie On Beach, But Lawyers Get DOUBLE
          From: DR SWITZER on 97-05-23

 One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an
 odd-looking bottle.  Not being one to ignore tradition, he
 rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.

 "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three
 wishes," said the Genie.  The man was ecstatic.  "But there's
 a catch," the Genie continued.

 "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
 The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in
 the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

 "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

 "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

 "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

 POOF! A ferrari appeared in front of the man.  "Now, every
 lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the
 Genie. "What is your next wish?"

 "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and
 POOF!

 One millions dollars appeared at his feet.  "Now, every lawyer
 in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded
 the man.

 "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied
 the man.

 "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

 The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you
 know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Top
Subj:     Mother-In-Law Gets Twice
          (Also see 'Three Wishes From A Frog Genie II' in this file)

 A man finds a lamp and decides to rub off the dust.  A Genie
 appears.  The Genie tells the man he will grant him three
 wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets
 twice.

 The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars.  The Genie
 reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million
 dollars.  The man says, "that's ok."

 The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.  Once again,
 the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get
 two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's ok."

 The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.

Top
Subj:     Three Guys, A Genie, And A Cliff

 Three guys are walking through the woods and they find a
 genie sitting by a cliff.  The genie says "I will grant
 you each one wish, all you have to do is say what you want
 and jump off the cliff".

 The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money" and jumps
 off, he lands in a humongous pile of money.

 The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he lands among
 hundreds of women.

 The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets to the edge
 of the cliff, trips and yells, "Sh*t!!!!"

Top
Subj:     Three Wishes On The Beach

 A man is walking down the beach and finds a magic lantern.
 When he rubs it, a genie comes out and offers him three
 wishes.

 "First," the man says, "I want a million dollars." (POOF)
 There's a pile of money in front of him.

 "Second," the man says, "I want a Ferrari." ?POOF>  The
 pile of money is now in the passenger seat of a Testarossa.

 "Third," the man says, "I want my penis to hang down to the
 ground." ?POOF>  His legs fall off.

Top
Subj:     Two Genies On Beach
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #7

 A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie
 Bottle. He rubs it and out pop two Genies.  He makes three
 wishes.

 When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside
 there are 20 beautiful naked women.  Walking back inside he
 sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table.  Opening it
 he see $20 million dollars.  "Wow, my first two wishes have
 come true!" he yells.  He gets ready to do his thing with
 the women when he hears another knock on the door.  When he
 opens the door there is two Ku Klux Klan guys.  First, they
 beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him.
 They take him out back and lynch him.  When the KKK guys
 are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off.

 It turns out it is the Genies.  The first Genie turns to
 the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first
 two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a nigger?"

Top
Subj:     Jewish Genie (S224)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 5/10/2001

 An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without
 finding a source of water.  It gets so bad that his camel
 dies of thirst.  He's crawling through the sands, certain
 that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden
 he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
 yards ahead of him.  He crawls to the object, pulls it out
 of the sand, and discovers that he has a nischewitz wine
 bottle.  It appears that there may be a drop or two left
 in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

 This is no ordinary genie.  This genie appears to be a
 Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat,
 side curls, etc.  "Well kid," says the genie.  "You know
 how it works.  You have three wishes."

 "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab, "you are a
 Jewish genie!"

 "What have you got to lose?  It looks like you're a goner
 anyway!"

 The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
 the genie is right.  "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis
 with plentiful food and drink."

 ******POOF*********

 The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
 ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and
 platters of delicacies.

 "Okay kid, what's your second wish?"

 My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
 dreams."

 *****POOF******

 The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
 with rare old coins and precious gems.

 "Okay kid, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a
 good one!"

 After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish
 that no matter where I go beautiful women will always need
 and want me!!!"

 *****POOF*****

 He is turned into a tampon.

 THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you do business with a Jewish
 genie, there's going to be a string attached.

============================================================Top
Second Version
Subj:     The IRS Genie (S390, S653b)
          From: mrx on 7/13/2004
      and From: tom on 7/12/2009

 A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
 without water.  His horse has already died of thirst.

 He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed
 his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking
 out of the sand several yards ahead of him.  He crawls to
 the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
 looks to be an old brief case.

 He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
 genie.  She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge
 and a dull gray dress.  There's a calculator in her pocket-
 book.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.  "Well,
 cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.  You have
 three wishes."

 "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
 to trust an IRS auditor genie."

 "What do you have to lose?  You've got no transportation,
 and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

 The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
 the genie is right.

 "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
 and drink."

 ***POOF***

 The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
 has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
 and platters of delicacies.

 "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

 "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
 dreams."

 ***POOF***

 The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
 filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make
 it a good one!"

 After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish
 that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and
 need me."

 ***POOF***

 He is turned into a tampon.

 The moral of the story: If the government offers you
 anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Top
Subj:     Four Different Races Find Genie (S465b, S788)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/15/2005
      and From: sam.hutkins on 2/21/2012
 Source: http://my.telegraph.co.uk/carlosboy/racoon/14490149/
.........who-said-rednecks-are-stupid/#more-14490149

 A Mexican, a Black, an Arab and a Redneck were walking together
 on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
 He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie
 appeared. "I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since
 there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

 Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you
 may have the first     wish."

 The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of
 ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to
 our homeland, Africa.
              .
 Poof! It was done!  Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

 The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all
 my people back to our homeland,  May-he-co!"

 Poof!  It was done!  Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared
 on the beach.

 The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of
 my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels
 so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

 Poof! It was done! Ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

 Turning  to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

 The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the
 border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing
 out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting
 on top of the camels and riding off.

 The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any
 better than this!"

Top
Subj:     Three Stranded Women Find Genie
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #83

 A cruise ship went down in the Pacific.  Three women survived
 and had swum to the safety of a typical desert island.  They
 been on the island for about a fortnight when, one morning,
 one of the women found some drift from the wreck that had
 washed ashore.

 Amongst the debris was an antique brass oil lamp.  She wiped
 the grime from the engraved side of the lamp and suddenly,
 lo and behold, the genie of the lamp appeared.  The genie
 granted the woman a wish, as is the tradition in these
 situations.  The woman wished for 10% more intelligence.

 Instantly her wish was granted, her head spinning with
 enlightenment she slipped into the forest, emerged that
 evening having constructed a beautiful yacht from the
 natural resources of the island.

 On seeing this success the second woman rubbed the discarded
 lamp, rubbed it and was similarly granted a wish.  This woman
 asked for 50% more intelligence.

 Awash with insight she swept into the forest to emerge that
 evening having built a aeroplane and take off strip, all
 from the resources of the island.

 Staggered by the escape of her companions, the third woman
 took the lamp.  The genie appeared.  The woman decided to go
 the whole hog and asked for the full 100% extra intelligence.

 The genie paused, taken aback by the magnitude of his new
 task.  Without further hesitation he summoned all his powers
 and granted the wish.  The woman awoke a few minutes later
 more than a little surprised to find, upon looking down...
 a penis.

Top
Subj:     Canadian, Bin Ladin ? Uncle Sam Find Genie (S244, S532b)
          From: thebartend on 3/24/99
      and From: darrell94590 on 3/30/2007
          (Also see 'Newfie, Quebecer, ? Albertan Find Genie' in Canadian)

 Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are
 out walking together one day.  They come across a lantern
 and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each
 one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

 The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
 and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever
 fertile in Canada."  With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
 the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

 Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
 around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans
 can come into our precious state."  Again, with a blink of
 the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around
 Afghanistan.

 "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very
 curious.  Please tell me more about this wall."  The Genie
 explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
 thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can
 get in or out, virtually impenetrable."

 "UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."

Top
Subj:     Man Wishes For Road To Hawaii (S520)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 15 Sept 97
      and From: allenbergman on 1/8/2007
          (See 'Frog Grants One Wish' and
      'Prince Charles Kills Mom's Dog' in this file)

 A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.  He
 looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle.
 A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
 The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle
 that I will grant you one wish.  I can only grant one."

 The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have
 always wanted to go to Hawaii.  I've never been able to go
 because I cannot fly.  Airplanes are much too frightening
 for me.  On a boat, I see all that water and I become very
 claustrophobic.  So I wish for a road to be built from here
 to Hawaii.

 The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No,
 I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work
 involved.  Consider all the piling needed to hold up a
 highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the
 bottom of  the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed.  No,
 that is just too much to ask."

 The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie,
 "There is one other thing I have always wanted.  I would
 like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh
 and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so
 difficult to get along with.  Basically, what makes them tick."

 The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you
 want two lanes or four?"

Top
Subj:     The Good Fairy And The Small Dick (S596)
          From: rfslick
          on 6/19/2008

 You can view this cute, dirty Sunday comic strip on my site
 by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
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..........................From MLissy2001
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