Subj: Arkansas Jokes
(Includes 24 jokes and articles, 17722n,2,cf)
Gas Station Guy
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Also see DOCTOR3 file - 'Country
Doctor Delivers Baby With Dad's Help'
ELDERLY1 - 'Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman'
......................- 'Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary'
FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
ITALIAN file - 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
PUSSY file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Kid's Help'
REDNECK3 - 'Rednecks Get Married'
SOUTHERN - 'Taxidermist In Alabama Bar'
......................- 'Alabama Medical Directory'
......................- 'You Know You Are A Yankee IF...'
......................- (See whole file)
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Where Are We Now?'
Man Arrested For Sex w/Dog (S637)
From: Tonight Show on 3/25/2009
Photo from www.Fox16.com...
to read the article and see a TV news video
about an Arkansas man who was arrested and convicted of
having sex with a dog and horse.
Subj: Ozark Speech Translated (S409b, DU)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/19/2004
The Ozark manner of speech dates
back to more relaxed times
when people just said what they had to and didn't worry about
"proper grammar" or "proper pronunciation." This pages started
with words that
Ozark Speak - English Translation - Proper Ozark Usage
Afeared - Afraid - He's afeared
of his own shadow.
A-Fixin - Getting Ready - We're a-fixin to go to town.
Aim - Intend or Plan - I aim to go to town soon.
Biggety - Stuck up or Show off - Well aint she biggety lately!
Chimbley - Chimney - Santa Claus comes down the chimbley.
Clum - Climbed - I Clum that tree over yonder.
Crick - Creek - I'm goin to the crick to go swimmin.
Dawg - Dog - That shore is a dumb dawg
Doin's - A function or gathering - Are you goin to
the doins tonight?
Dreckly - Soon - I'll be there directly
Et - Eaten - Have you et yet?
Fetch - Bring or Go Ge t- I want you to fetch the
eggs fer me.
Fer - For - Lets rest here fer a spell.
Frog - Strangler - A Hard Rain That shor was
a frog strangler.
Gander - To look - Take a gander at that there bird!
Git Get Go git some milk from that cow.
Gully warsher - See Frog Strangler - That shore
was a gully warsher.
Haint - Ain't - I haint going to the store for
Hankerin - Craving - I have a hankerin for Roastners.
Hep - Help - Hep me warsh this dawg!
Hisn - His - That dog is hisn
Holler - A Valley - My family lives down in the Holler.
Kivver - Covered - That tree is kivvered with leaves.
Liketa - Nearly - I liketa broke my neck when I tripped
Mighty - Definitely - She shore is mighty mean today.
Naw - No - Naw, I aint a-fixen to go to the doins.
Necked - Unclothed - Get Necked and throw them
clothes in the warsh tub.
Onest - Once - Child, I don't aim to tell you more
Parts - Area or Neighborhood - What parts do ya'll
Peakid - Pale or sick looking - You look mighty
Pill-uh - Pillow - That shore is a fluffy Pilluh
Pizen - Poison - There are pizen snakes in these parts.
Plumb - Not a plumbing term - I shore am plumb
worn out (very tired).
Poke - Paper Bag - I'm a-fixin to put the eggs in
Pritnear - Almost - I'm pritnear done with my
Put Out - Angry, Annoyed - He shore was put out today.
Roastners - Corn on the Cob - Them roastners
shore are good.
Set - Sit - Ya'll set and rest fer a spell
Shed of - Get rid of - I shore want to be shed
of this cold.
Shore - Sure - I Shore like those flowers.
Skeered - Afraid - He is skeered of his own
Smart - To hurt - That leg shore smarts.
Spell - A period of time - I went to church fer
a spell today.
Tarlet - Toilet - Youngun, stop dancin and use
Wallerin - Whining or Crying - Sit still and
quit yer wallerin
Warsh - Wash - Warsh yer hands 'n face befer dinner.
Winder - Window - The pie is coolin on the
Ya'll - You All - Ya'll set with us fer a spell.
Yeller - A color between orange and green. - Look at
that Yellar dog over yonder.
Yonder - Over there - Billy Bob went yonder to fetch
You'ns - You or all - You'ns better aim to come for vittles
Yourn - Yours -This aint mine is it yourn
Younguns - Children -You younguns better git to bed now.
Subj: Woman Shot In Car (S108, S525b)
From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-10
and From: gordonschuk on 1/29/07
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was
visiting her in-laws in Arkansas,
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in
her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes
closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at
the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been
holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called
the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from
| When they finally
got in, they found that
Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back
of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot,
and the wad of dough hit her in the back
of her head. When she reached back to
find out what it was, she felt the dough
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
This great story is an urban
legend as verified at
Subj: Cadillac Gets Gas In Arkansas (S58, DU)
From: ipkis on 97-11-20
(Also see 'Tiger Woods Stops For Gas' in GOLF2)
John and Cathy were driving through
Arkansas on their way from
New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, John decided
to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 5 minutes
later, he spotted one and pulled over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill her up with high test," replied John
While the attendant was filling
up the tank, he started checking
out the car. "What kinda car is dat?" he asked, "Never seen one like
"Well," responded John, his chest
swelling up with pride, "this my
boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all it got in it?" asked the attendant.
"Well," said John, "It has everything.
It has power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck
CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo,
rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior,
digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," said the attendant, "that's really something."
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asked John
"That'll be $30.17," said the attendant.
John pulled out his money clip
and peeled off a $20 and a $10. He
goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are golf tees.
"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," said the attendant, "dem
Cadillac people really think of
Subj: Arkansas Couple Don't Want More Kids (S13, S538b)
From: KMACINTY on 4/30/2003
and From: RDOBRY on 5/7/2007
After their 11th child, an Arkansas
couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the
husband went to his veterinarian, and told him that he and
his cousin didn't want to have any more chirren.
The Vet told him that there was
a procedure called a Vasectomy,
that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A
less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home,
get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
count to 10."
The hillbilly said to the vet,
"Golly Doc, I may not be the
smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a dang
cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear; is going to hep me?"
"Trust me!", said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a
cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and resumed counting with his other hand...
Subj: A Letter From An Arkansas Mother To Her Son (S126b, S468b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 6/23/99
and From: jbcary1 on 1/10/2006
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your Daddy read in the
paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so
I won't be able to send you the
address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for
their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine.
The first day I put four shirts
in, pulled the chain and I ain't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week.
Three days the first time and four
days the second time.
You know the coat you wanted
me to send you? Well, Aunt Sue said
it would be too heavy to sent in the mail with them heavy buttons
on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral
home. They said if we don't make
the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
Your sister had a baby this morning.
I ain't heard whether it's
a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunt.
Your Uncle John fell in the whisky
vat. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him
and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off
the bridge in a pickup. One was
driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out. He
rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned.
They couldn't get the tailgate down.
There's not much news this time, nothing much has happened.
P.S. I was going to send you
some money, but the envelope was
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
My Dear French Canadian Male Son, Claude.
Jus a few line to let you know
dat hi ham still alive. hi
ham writing dis letter slowley because hi know dat you can
not read fast. You won't know de house when you come home
Dere was a washing machine in
de new house when we move in,
but hit ain't working too good. Last week hi put in shirt
into hit, pulled de chain, an ain't seen de shirt since.
About your papa, he has a nice
job, he has 624 men hunder
him He his cutting de grass in de cemetary.
Your sister Pauline had a baby
dis mornin. Hi haven't found
hout wedder its ha boy or girl, so hi not know wedder you ha
haunt hor kunkle.
Your kunkle pierre drowne las
week in a vat os whiskey in
Tree River Quebec. Some hof his workmate drive hin to save
him, but he fight dem hoff too hard.
We cremate his body and hit take
tree day to put hout de
fire. Your papa did not have much to drink hat christmas.
Hi put a bottle hof caster hoil in his mug of beer, hit
kept him going till New Years Days. Hi went to de doctor
hon thursday and you papa came wit me. Da doctor put a
small tube hin my mouth an tol me not to hope it for 10
minute. you papa hoffer to buy hit from him.
Hit only rain twice dis week.
First for tree days, an den
for four days. Munday hit was so windy dot half hof de
chicken lay de same hegg four time.
We got a letter from de undertaker.
He said if de las
payment was not paid hon your grandmama within seven days,
hup she come.
Your lowin Mama
Hi was goin to sen you 10 dollar
but hi have already seal
Subj: Arkansas State Residency Application (DU)
From: Internet Joke Archive
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(Check appropriate box)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Daughter
..........................(_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother
..........................(_) Father (_) Son (_) Aunt (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom
____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)N/A
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Subj: Short Arkansas Jokes
Subj: Arkansas Governor's New Home (S188, DU)
From: gheckman on 09/03/2000
The governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, and his family, will
live in a triple-wide mobile home while renovations on the
governor's mansion are being made. The 2131 sq ft., $110,000
house, which was trucked to the site in 3 parts last month,
and is located in the mansion's back yard. The first lady
has promised to give tours of the new digs as soon as her
family is settled.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #208 on 97-09-26
So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They
sat down on a log.
After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonite?"
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite".
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy
in my ear".
So Jon leans over and whispers "'Shit'".
From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas,
because everything happens there 20 years later.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her still.
From: ipkis on 97-11-22
A new law was passed in Arkansas recently:
when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #67 on 98-03-17
Two Arkansas are walking down the street toward each other and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha
got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
The Arkansan and his gal were
embracing passionately in the front
seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?"she asked. "No," he
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
Arkansas: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10 (S575)
What are the three biggest lies in Arkansas?
1. I got my high school diploma.
2. My truck is all paid for
3. No officer she's not my sister
Q: Did you hear that the governor's
mansion in Arkansas burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #67 on 98-03-17
Q: Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
A: The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Q: What do a Divorce in Arkansas,
and a Tornado have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Q: Why do folks from Arkansas
go to the movie theater
in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under not admitted.
Q: What do you get when you have
32 Arkansans in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to Arkansas?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
From: JCary on 7/12/99 (S128)
Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas
A: Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park.
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