(Includes 177 jokes and articles, 01838n,1,cf)
Dancing Girl from
Also see ARKANSAS
Letter From An Arkansas Mother To Her Son'
......................- 'Arkansas State Residency Application'
......................- (see whole file)
BAR2 file - 'American, Canadian, And An Australian In A Seedy Bar'
BATHROOM file- 'Boy Pushes Over Outhouse'
......................- 'Bubba Wins A Toilet Brush'
BIRD-DUCKS - 'Duck Hunter And The Game Warden'
......................- 'Cock Fighting In Louisiana'
BLACKS1 file - 'Black Kid Is Better'
BROTHERS file- 'Two Brothers And The Army Recruiter'
CARS2 file - 'Two Guys Out for A Drive'
CARS3 file - 'Final Words Before Crashes'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'White Trash Christmas'
CHRSTMS3-SUPP- 'The Story Of St. Redneckerless' - Cartoon
......................- 'The Night Before Christmas'
CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Praying For 'Special Needs''
CLOTHING file- 'Two Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
COWBOY file - 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady'
......................- 'Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song'
......................- (see whole file)
COWS-SHEEP - 'Reporter In A Small Town'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Practologist Studies In Morgue'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Bubba Had Shingles'
......................- 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Dad's Help'
DOG-SUPP - 'Smart Southern Dog' - Movie
......................- 'A Redneck And His Dog'
ELDERLY1 - 'Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary'
FARMER1 file - 'Reporter Interviews Alabama Farmer'
FARMER2 file - 'Handsome Man Wants To Marry'
......................- 'Rural Wisdom'
FISHING2 file- 'Redneck Fisherman Sees Snake'
FOURTHofJuly - 'Twins Born On The Fourth Of July'
FUNERAL file - 'Three Men Die w/Smiles On Their Faces'
......................- 'Bubba Is Burned And Dies'
GENIE file - 'Three Different Races Find Genie'
GHOSTS file - 'Professor Talks About Ghosts'
GOLF1 file - 'Two Rednecks And Two Gays Play Golf'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Frank And Ernest - Watch This'
HORSE file - 'Cajun Buys Dead Donkey'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Hillbilly Medical Terms'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Deer Hunter Has Stroke'
INDIAN file - 'Two Indians And A Hillbilly'
JOBS2 file - 'Government Road Workers'
JOBS-SUPP - 'Selling Assholes'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Asking Applicants A Final Question' (Bubba)
JUDGE file - 'Couple Fight For Custody Of Child'
......................- 'Supreme Court's KKK Ruling'
LAWYER2 file - 'Bubba Calles His Lawyer'
NATIONAL-STS - 'A West Virginia Love Story'
MATH2 file - 'Ma and Pa Kettle Teach Kentucky Math'
MEN2 file - 'The Must Have Father's Day Gift'
MUSIC file - 'Dead Man With Cork In Butt'
MUSIC2 file - 'Wal_Martians' - Movie
PENIS2 file - 'Husband Wants A Big Dick Like Bubba's'
PILOT file - 'Redneck Pilots'
PLANE file - 'Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
POETRY file - 'Poetry Contest'
POLICE2 file - 'Revised Miranda Rights'
POLICE-SUPP - 'Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy'
PREGNANT file- 'Two Rednecks Discuss Vacation'
PRISON file - 'Friendship Quote'
PROFESSOR - 'Professor Discusses Emotional Extremes'
PUSSY file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Kid's Help'
PSYCH-SUPP - 'Bubba Went To A Psychiatrist'
RELIGION2 - 'Old Store Owner Quotes Scriptures'
......................- 'The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments'
......................- 'Ten Commandments In Cajun'
SEX2 file - 'Sex In The Corn Field'
SWIMMING file- 'Skinny Dipping Sign'
SOLDIER2 file- 'Redneck Joins The Army'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'New Elite Fighting Force'
SOUTHERN - 'When The End Of The World Comes'
......................- 'Taxidermist In Alabama Bar'
......................- 'Billy Bob Dies'
......................- 'You Know You Are A Yankee IF...'
......................- (see whole file)
TREES file - 'Telling The Front From The Back Of A Tree?'
Subj: You're Probably A Redneck If ....................
From: Canonical List Of Redneck Jokes
1. More than 1 living
relative is named after
a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than
three dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is
an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her
lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by
animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and
wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been in a fistfight at a high school
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em
in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
"Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the
economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as
the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting
on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion
is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are
2 of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see
friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!", or "How Y'all Doin?"
(If they respond with the same, they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because
Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that styrofoam coolers is
the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to
meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out
of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home
to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name
on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them
your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off
the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just
had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an
empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window
of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the
message: "for a good time call..", because you feel
guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while
you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both
in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National
Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because
of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid
you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance
in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer ? lookit
this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night
involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket
and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money
because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of
overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and
a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck
and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the
bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole
coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah
Subj: Redneck Shopping Quote (S514c)
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal
agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms,
and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose
them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is
the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before
you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive
him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard
on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or
Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in
the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends
in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and
Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of
paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red
and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a
flat tire...on her house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so
ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there
is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the
sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you
to pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory
of Chris "No House" Skowronski).
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist
attraction in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both
a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a
full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape,
it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if
they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton
singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of
course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated
redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck,
only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them
a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the
Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your
Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man
is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale
moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings
in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze
into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties
for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and
down depending on how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the
path to the restroom was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As
often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start
drinking when it gets light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to
borrow the keys to the tractor.
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon
by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner
are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your
168. You bring your dog to work with you.
XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD
"You Might Be A Redneck" (or this posting) ;-)
WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....
YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . . . .
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06
The Halloween pumpkin on your
front porch has more teeth
than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old
at the dinner table in front of her kids
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out
of your league" bowls
on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
The bluebook value of your truck
goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
|Redneck Smiley from
Millan Net Gif Animations