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Subj:     Redneck3 Jokes
                 (Includes 72 jokes and articles, 18 1022,6,cif,vYT4,2)

Click "Here" for Redneck-Supp
 Click "Here" for Redneck-Supp2
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Nose Wiper
from
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Includes the following:..Redneck Biker - Drawing (DU in Supp2)
.........................Redneck Boating - Video (S932 in Supp2)
.........................Cletus And Billy Bob (S733, S813 in Supp2)
.........................Jackass 3D Paintball Duck Hunting - Video (S757 in Supp2)
.........................Colt Ford - No Trash In My Trailer - Music Video (S947-Sup2)
.........................Hee Haw - Gloom Despair And Agony On Me (S1022 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................Hillbilly Dream Catcher - Photo (S931 in Supp)
.........................Kevin Skinner On America's Got Talent - Video (S705b - Supp)
.........................Bubba's 21st Birthday (S608c in Supp)
.........................Thank God I'm A Country Boy - Video (S656b in Supp)
.........................Jethro Learns About Sex (S628 in Supp)
.........................The Slingshot Man - Video (S626 in Supp)
.........................Sears Catalog Order (S608b in Supp)
.........................Redneck Art - Video (S598c in Supp)
.........................Two Rednecks Win At Wal-Mart (S443 in Supp)
.........................White Trash Christmas - Video (S464b in Supp)
.........................Uncle And Nephew Say Prayers Before Bed (S422b in Supp)
.........................Redneck Bungee-Jumping - Video (S525c in Supp)
.........................Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity (S392b, S646b in Supp)
.........................Are You A Redneck Quiz (S398, S604b in Supp)
.........................Jeff Foxworthy Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas - Vid (S672-Sup)
.........................Three Nationalities In A Sauna (S317b, S658 in Supp)
.........................Redneck Etiquette (S57 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Redneck Pick-Up Lines (DU)
.........................Redneck Christmas Carols - Video (S464b)
.........................Poem About A Hexed Redneck (S342b, S827)
.........................Redneck Family Tree (S307, S509)
.........................You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If (S291, DU)
.........................Redneck Calls FBI About Marijuana (S214, DU)
.........................Redneck Engineering Exam (S131B, S601c)
.........................Maw Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse (S212, S606)
.........................Ma And Pa Sitting On The Porch
.........................Ventriloquist Takes Act To Mississippi
.........................Two Redneck Hunters (S289)
.........................Two Rednecks And The Roadblock (S112)
.........................Jesus Sitting At The Bar (S61, S472)
.........................Three Rednecks By The Camp Fire (S296)
.........................Rednecks Get Married (S65)
.........................Redneck Birthday Cake - Picture (S412)
.........................Two Rednecks Discuss Sheep Sheering
.........................Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do Const. Work (S110, S560b)
.........................Redneck Reading Test (S31, S509)
.........................Gas Station's 'Free Sex' Contest (S293b, S693b)
.........................Twas A Redneck Christmas
.........................Redneck Nativity Scene (S46, S518b)
.........................Twas The Night After Christmas
                         Short Redneck Jokes
..............................Redneck Medical Dictionary (S790 in Supp)
..............................Redneck College Exam (S810 in Supp)
..............................Close Encounters Of The Redneck Kind - Vid (S682-Supp)
..............................Sex Test For Rednecks (S641c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Word For Today (S637c in Supp)
..............................Texas Ditch Surfing - Video (S575 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Fire Alarm (S612b in Supp)
..............................Georgia Safe Cracker (S523b in Supp)
..............................Redneck 911 Call (S608 in Supp)
..............................Earl And Bubba Discuss Wives (S604b in Supp)
..............................Red State Update - Video (S593 in Supp)
..............................Solving Redneck Murders (S364 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Condos (S580c)
..............................Jim-Bob Wants To Get Married (S345 in Supp)
..............................Home Depot Hot Dogs - Video (S579b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Lawnmower Beer Run - Video (S576b in Supp)
..............................Steve's Second Lawnmower DUI - Video (S633c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Power Windows - Video (S574 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Siding (S565b in Supp)
..............................If My Nose Was Running Money - Video (S561b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Waterskiing - GIF And Video (S886 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Harley (S559c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Gingerbread House (S559b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Theme Park Ride (S544b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Doormats (S745 in Supp)
..............................Hillbillies New Names (S528c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Chirstmas Lights (S522c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Coffee Table (S522c in Supp)
..............................Redneck TimeOut (S522 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Rockwell Christmas (S517b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Riverboat (S505 in Supp)
..............................Alcohol And Ammo - Game (S503 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Wedding Cake (S487c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Doorbell (S483b in Supp)
..............................Redneck Hot Tub (S472c in Supp)
..............................Redneck Wedding (S472 in Supp)
..............................Sheep Lovers (S444 in Supp)
..............................Redneck Pool (S439b in Supp)
..............................Hillbilly Fishing - Video (S569b in Supp)
..............................Lousiana Quarter (S424b in Supp)
..............................
..............................Risky Whisky - Game (S473b)
..............................Sack Of Chickens (S313)
..............................SWF Video "The Redneck Game" (S370)
..............................Redneck Photos (S308)
..............................Klan And Blacks Agree
..............................Elmer Goes A Courting (S113, S610)
..............................Three Biggest Lies By A Redneck Male (S113, S352)

===========================================================Top
Subj:     Redneck Pick-Up Lines (DU)
 Source1: http://1057thehawk.com/redneck-pick-up-lines/
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Top
Subj:     Redneck Christmas Carols (S464b,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/12/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/zXkSEcCwU8A

 In this short, SWF video, Larry the Cable Guy sings
 Redneck Christmas Carols to close one of his comedy
 acts.  Clicking 'HERE' to listen and watch.

Top
Subj:     Poem About A Hexed Redneck (S342b, S827)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/4/2003

 My wife just left, and the well went dry.
 My horse is sick and about to die.
 Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
 And the road washed out on the way to town.

 Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
 And they both died soon after that.
 Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
 So I can't even sit and read and smoke.

 A tree fell on the chicken shed,
 And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
 Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
 And this old shack is about to fall.

 Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
 And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
 Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
 And my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

 And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place,
 And my cow disappeared without a trace.
 They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
 And I lost my job and a whole lot more.

 I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
 As things keep going from bad to worse.
 And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
 To top off the worst... my wife's coming back!

Top
Subj:     Redneck Family Tree (S307, S509)
..........From: Puneet385 on 12/19/2002

 (Also see 'I'm My Own Grandpa' in Music-Supp)

 Many many years ago
 when I was twenty three,
 I got married to a widow
 who was pretty as could be.

 This widow had a grown-up daughter
 Who had hair of red.
 My father fell in love with her,
 And soon the two were wed.

 This made my dad my son-in-law
 And changed my very life.
 My daughter was my mother,
 For she was my father's wife.

 To complicate the matters worse,
 Although it brought me joy,
 I soon became the father
 Of a bouncing baby boy.

 My little baby then became
 A brother-in-law to dad.
 And so became my uncle,
 Though it made me very sad.

 For if he was my uncle,
 Then that also made him brother
 To the widow's grown-up daughter
 Who, of course, was my step-mother.

 Father's wife then had a son,
 Who kept them on the run.
 And he became my grandson,
 For he was my daughter's son.

 My wife is now my mother's mother
 And it makes me blue.
 Because, although she is my wife,
 She's my grandmother too.

 If my wife is my grandmother,
 Then I am her grandchild.
 And every time I think of it,
 It simply drives me wild.

 For now I have become
 The strangest case you ever saw.
 As the husband of my grandmother,
 I am my own grandpa!

Top
Subj:     You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If (S291, DU)
          From: ICohen on 8/29/2002

 People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether
 the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to
 catch 'em.

 When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
 the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

 Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
 church holiday.

 A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-
 drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it could
 not get out of."

 The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

 Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

 In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
 names in the church directory.

 Baptism is referred to as "branding."

 There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

 Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

 High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

 People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift some-
 thing too heavy.

 The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

 The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
 logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

 The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

 The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
 purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
 knows how to play one.

Top
Subj:     Redneck Calls FBI About Marijuana (S214, DU)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/6/2001

 (Also see 'The Lettuce Patch' in PRISON
   and see 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded' in IRISH2))

 WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??

 "Hello, is this the FBI?"

 "Yes. What do you want?"

 "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
 He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

 "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
 They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes,
 they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
 They end up swearing at Billy Bob and leaving.

 The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

 "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

 "Yeah!"

 "Did they chop your firewood?"

 "Yep."

 "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Top
Subj:     Redneck Engineering Exam (S131B, S601c)
          From: smiles on 8/6/99
      and From: RFSlick on 5/20/2003

  1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
     tree that will support a 10 lb. possum.

  2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
     when placed on blocks in your front yard?
     A) 66 Ford Fairlane
     B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
     C) 64 Pontiac GTO

  3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a
     capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car
     radiators are necessary to condense the product?

  4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at
     2700 rpm.  The density of the pine trees in a plot to
     be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
     size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
     Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the
     trees?

  5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its
     charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
     decrease in the ozone layer?

  6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch
     centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
     feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
     is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
     how many hound dogs will be killed?

  7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
     with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children.
     Can each of the children place a mobile home on the
     man's land?

  8. A 2 ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding
     down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
     brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of
     secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid
     the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the
     mountain?

     For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that
     swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

  9. A coal mine operates as an NFPA Class 1, Division 2
     Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
     A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.
     How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
     during the shift?

 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5%
     per generation, how long will it take a town that has
     been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country
     western singer?

Top
Subj:     Maw Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse (S212, S606)
          From: thebartend on 2/23/2001

 Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw
 in the kitchen.  Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there
 and fix that there outhouse."

 Paw says, "All right, Maw."  Paw walks out to the outhouse,
 looks at it and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with
 this here outhouse!"

 Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

 Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"

 Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix
 the problem!"

 So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit,
 mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong
 with this here outhouse!"

 Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

 Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww!  Ouch!  Maw!
 MAW, my beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"

 Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

Top
Subj:     Ma And Pa Sitting On The Porch
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #168 on 98-07-07

 Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin.

 Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"

 A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"

 A minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"

 Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"

 Another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma "Screw you Ma"

 A minute later, Ma says to Pa "Screw you Pa"

 A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma "I don't know
 about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this
 Oral Sex stuff!"

Top
Subj:     Ventriloquist Takes Act To Mississippi (S382b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-05-13

 (Also see 'The Ventiloquist' in BLONDE2)

 A ventriloquist from New York took his act on the road to
 Mississippi.  After about  twenty minutes of performing
 joke after joke about rednecks a good ol' boy in the
 audience stood up and said, "I'm damn tired of you Yankees
 makin' fun of us southern folks and always tryin' to make
 us look stupid.  If you don't stop it right now I'm going
 to come up there and shut you up!"

 The ventriloquist said, "Take it easy buddy, they're just
 jokes."

 The redneck replied, "You stay out of this...I'm talkin'
 to that little loudmouth on your lap!"

Top
Subj:     Two Redneck Hunters (S289)
          From: mjsl on 8/15/2002

 (Also see 'Bubba And Bo Go Hunting II' in Huntung)

 A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when
 one of them falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be
 breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his
 cell phone and calls 911.  He frantically blurts out to
 the operator, "O my gawd!  Help!  My friend just died.
 He's dead!  What can I do?"

 The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy.
 I can help.  Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
 First, lets make sure he's dead."

 There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud
 gun shot.  The redneck comes back on the line and says,
 "OK, now what?"

Top
Subj:     Two Rednecks And The Roadblock (S112)
          From:  humorlist-digest V2 #86 on 98-04-08
      and From: Bawdy.Net Collage #293 on 3/19/99

 Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
 drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.  The passenger, Bubba,
 said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-leece road-
 block!!  We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
 beers!!"

 Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said.  "We'll just pull over and
 finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick
 it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

 "What fer?", asked Bubba.

 "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.  Well, they
 finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
 seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

 When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You
 boys been drinkin'?"

 "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

Top
Subj:     Jesus Sitting At The Bar (S61, S472)
          From: thebartend on 98-04-01
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/26/2006

 The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
 Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman
 hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself
 up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The
 Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
 down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told
 him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

 The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
 hunched back, who moved very slow.  He shuffled up to the
 barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked
 down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the
 end of the bar.  The bartender nodded, so the Italian said
 to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

 The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
 swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up
 a cold one!  Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"  The
 barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a
 cold one, too.

 As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman
 and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
 healed!"  The Irishman felt the strength come back to his
 leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

 Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness,
 you are healed!"  The Italian felt his back straighten,
 so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out
 the door.

 Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped
 back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Top
Subj:   Three Rednecks By The Camp Fire (S296)

 (Also see 'Three cowboys tell tall tales' in COWBOY)

 These three tough rednecks were sitting around the campfire
 talking about just who was the toughest.  The first redneck
 says: Well I'm so tough, once when I was out gathering wood,
 this coyote jumped me from behind.  Well I just grabbed him
 by the neck with my left hand and choked him to death.

 The second redneck says: Hell, that ain't nothing.  Once
 when I was up on the trail with my horse Thunder this big
 ol' grizzly bear comes out of the woods with hunger in his
 eyes.  He chomps down and rips of my left arm.  Well this
 really gets my riled up so I grab my arm from his mouth
 with my right arm and beat the danged grizzly to death with
 it.

 The third redneck sits quitely stirring up the fire with his
 dick.....

Top
Subj:     Rednecks Get Married (S65)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21

 Redneck Billy Joe and Redneck Mary Sue are joined in holy
 matrimony.  They spend their wedding night at the Motel 6
 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas.  They've abstained
 from the big deed until this very night.

 Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for
 the first time, she stops him.  "Wait, Billy Joe.  I just
 thought you should know.. this ain't  just our first time.
 It's my first time ever.  I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself
 just for you."

 "Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

 "I said, I'm a virgin.  One hunnert percent cherry.  Just
 for you on ur weddin' night."

 "Yore a VIRGIN??"     He asked somewhat shocked.

 "That's right.  Please be gentle."

 "Gentle?  Gentle my ass.  I'm outta here!"  With that,
 Billy Joe pulls up his pants, hard-on and all, and leaves
 his virgin bride lying alone and naked.

 He slams the door, gets in his pickup, and drives home.

 "Paw!  Paw!  Wake up!  Yore not gonna believe this!"

 "Huh?  Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here?  It's
 3 AM on yore weddin' night!  Why the hell ain't you and
 that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere doing
 it like rabbits?"

 "Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up
 and tells me that she's a virgin!"

 "A VIRGIN?"

 "That's right, Paw.  One hunnert percent cherry.  As soon as
 she told me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!"

 "Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz
 if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly
 ain't good enough for ours.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo======================Top
Subj:     Redneck Birthday Cake (S412)
          From: jbcary1 on 12/12/2004
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Top
Subj:     Two Rednecks Discuss Sheep Sheering

 Two RedNecks standing around on a sheep farm, during the
 coldest winter they've had in years.  Red turns to Bo and
 confessed that he really couldn't wait til it was time to
 shear the flocks.

 The other nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
 "It'll be great selling the wool, and spending the money on
 Whiskey and beer, wi-men and pool... won't it?"

 "Nawh... That ain't it," said Red.  "Ah just cain't WAIT ta
 see'em NAKED!"

Top
Subj:     Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do Construction Work (S110, S560b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
      and From: sfo_pilot on 10/10/2007

 An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing
 construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a
 building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
 "Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage
 one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

 The Mexcian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
 again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump
 off, too."

 The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna
 again.  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm
 jumping too."

 Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned
 beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.  The Mexican
 opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The Alabama
 redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his
 death also.

 At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping.  She says,
 "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
 cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!

 The Mexican's wife also weeps and says " I could have given
 him two tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
 burritos so much."

 Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck's wife.
 "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

Top
Subj:     Redneck Reading Test (S31, S509)
          From: Jeff Foxworthy
 Source: (Removed from jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil)
 (Also see 'Duck Word Riddle' in DUCKS)

 Read the following:  If you get it, then you read it
 correctly, and you are probably a redneck.   If you
 don't get it, you didn't read it right...  Which
 means you aren't a redneck...  Ask me, and I'll explain
 it. (9 out of 10 probably won't get it...)

 M R DUCKS
 M R NOT
 O S A R  C M WANGS
 L I B  M R DUCKS

Top
Subj:     Gas Station's 'Free Sex' Contest (S293b, S693b)
          From: coreymac on 9/11/2002
      and From: tom on 4/28/2010
 (See 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar' in Polish)

 There was this gas station in redneck country trying to
 increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying,
 "Free Sex with Fill-up."

 Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and
 then asked for his free sex.

 The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10 and
 if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 The buyer then guessed eight.  The proprietor said, "No,
 you were close.  The number was seven.  Sorry, no free
 sex this time but maybe next time."

 Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy
this time, pulled in again
for a fill-up and again he
asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave
him the same story and
asked him to guess the
correct number.

The man guessed two this
time and the proprietor
said, "Sorry, it was three.
You were close but no free
sex this time."

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 As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy,
 "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away
 free sex."

 The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged.  My wife won
 twice last week."

Top
Subj:     Twas A Redneck Christmas
          From: smiles on 98-12-10

 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
 Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
 His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
 And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
 His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
 And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

 That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
 There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
 Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
 John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
 The twins were both girls So they let them be.

 They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
 Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
 They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
 There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

 Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
 The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
 Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
 So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

 They all looked around, and then they all spit.
 The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
 Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
 This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

 It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'
 But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!
 They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
 That would have resulted in venison steak.
 Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"
 That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

 The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,
 And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
 "Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
 Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

 "Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
 Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"
 The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,
 And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

 Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
 Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
 Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

 He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
 The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
 Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
 The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care.

 He was busy lookin' At all his new toys.
 Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
 "Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right.
 That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might."

 But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
 They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
 And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
 But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

 Bubba had a nice Christmas,  And the boys did, too.
 And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

Top
Subj:     Redneck Nativity Scene (S46, S518b)
          From: cohen#il on 97-12-12

 In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that
 showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
 One small feature bothered me. The Three Wise Men were
 wearing Firemen's helmets.  Totally unable to come up with
 a reason or explanation, I left.

 At the "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady
 behind the counter about the helmets.  She exploded into
 a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the
 Bible!"

 I assured her that I did, but simply could not recall any-
 thing about Firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible
 from behind the counter, flipped thru some pages, and
 finally jabbed her finger at a passage.  Sticking it in my
 face she said "See, it says right here, "The Three Wise
 Men came from afar!"

Top
Subj:     Twas The Night After Christmas
          From: auntieg on 98-12-18

 'Twas the Night After Christmas"
           By Jeff Foxworthy (?)

 'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
 the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
 The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
 and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
 The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
 the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
 My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
 so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

 When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
 I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
 He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
 and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
 I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
 and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
 Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
 I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
 The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big
 beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full
 of jelly.

 He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
 I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
 "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
 "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
 I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
 Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
 Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
 it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent
 New Years in jail.

 I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
 and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
 When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
 I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
 But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her
 head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
 Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
 a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
 Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
 when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
 And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
 I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was
 out bowling'.

 So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
 But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
 So I popped a warning shot over his head.
 Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
 And as he flew off I heard him extort,
 "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."


Subj:     Short Redneck Jokes

Top
Subj:     Risky Whisky (S473b,d in Games-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 2/2/2006
 Source: (Removed from jarkey.net)
 This video game has great graphics, but simple play.
 You can play it by clicking 'HERE'. It downloads a
 DCR file to your computer.
 

Top
Subj:     Sack Of Chickens (S313)
          From: szalay on 1/30/2003
 Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one
 is carrying a sack.  When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy
 Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
 "Jes' some chickens."
 "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
 "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
 "OK.  Ummmmm...five?"
 

Top
Subj:     SWF Video "The Redneck Game" (S370d)
          From: Grampsboyd on 2/28/2004
          At: (Removed by shockhaber.com)
 Use your left mouse button to swat the mosquitoes.
 If you don't swat them, they grow larger and larger.
 This can become addictive.  You can play by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Redneck Photos (S308)
         From: flovilla on 12/7/2002
 Thanks Janice, these fifteen redneck photos are great.
 I can picture myself trying at least half of them.
 Click 'HERE'. to see them

 These pictures are too good to miss.
 

Top
Subj:     Klan And Blacks Agree
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
 In an August meeting at a Tampa, Fla. church, representatives
 of the Union of Independent [Ku Klux] Klansmen and the
 all-black Pan-African Inter-National Movement vowed to work
 together to create an independent African nation for African-
 Americans.  The groups agree that integration in the U. S.
 is impractical and that relocation payments should be made
 to African-Americans as restitution for historical oppression.
 [St. Petersburg Times, Aug93] (393)
 

Top
Subj:     Elmer Goes A Courting (S113, S610)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #295 on 3/24/99
 Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
 going boy ?"
 The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting
 Peggy-Sue."
 The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me
 no dang lantern."
 "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"
 

Top
Subj:     Three biggest Lies By A Redneck Male (S113, S352)
 1. No, I really have a diploma.
 2. No, she's not my cousin.
 3. Honest officer I was only trying to help
    the sheep over the fence.
 

 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
 number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shot-
 gun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they
 will eventually produce all the world's great literary
 works in Braille.  See 'Contest of Theories' in THOUGHTS-SILLY.
 

From: RFSlick on 2/19/00 (S165)
 Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left
 his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?  She
 can't touch it till she's fourteen...

 What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
 The good ol' boy raises livestock.
 The redneck gets emotionally involved.

 Where was the toothbrush invented?
 Oklahoma.  If it was invented anywhere else, it would have
 been called a teethbrush.

 Two Rednecks working on a cattle farm, Junior and Bo...
 Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't wait till we start the cattle
    drive..."
 Bo: "Yep, out on the range... Jest you an me an dem cows."
 Junior: "uh-hu... and wait till we take'em cross the
    river... Imagine it!"
 Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin' dem cows cross the river,
    keepin'em safe..."
 Junior: "Yeah, watchin'em all come out of the river all
    wet an shivering."

 The teachers' strike in WV has been settled:  The dispute
 was over sex education.  It has been agreed that sex
 education will be taught on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  On
 Monday, Wednesday and Friday, drivers' ed. gets the car.

 In most places, the day After Christmas and the day after
 Thanksgiving are the busiest shopping days... but not in
 Arkansas....  Their's is what ever time K-mart has their
 "Whites" sale...

 If you see a sign that says "Say NO to Crack" and it
 reminds you to pull up your pants, you might be a redneck.

 You might be a redneck If...you pee into the wind and
 enjoy it!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
 I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her still.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Smith ? Wesson: The original point and click interface.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/23/2001 (S238)
 "If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck."
    -- Jeff Foxworthy

From: dogbyte on 4/13/2002 (S272c)
 If a hillbilly woman divorces her husband,....
 is he still her brother?

 Q: What do you call the layer of sweat between
    two rednecks having sex?
 A: Relative Humidity.

 Q: What's the first thing a redneck does when
    his pick-up truck breaks down?
 A: Builds a house!

 Q: How do you castrate a hill billy?
 A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

 Q: Where do redneck meet chicks?
 A: At family barbecues of course.

 Q: Why do True RedNecks Wear Button Fly Jeans?
 A: Because sheep can hear zippers!!

 Q: What do u get when u cross a pit-bull with a red neck?
 A: An all-white neighbourhood

 Q: How did the two redneck blondes drown in a pickup?
 A: They were riding in the open back when the truck went
    into a pond.  They couldn't get the tailgate down!

 Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
 A: A documentary.

 Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
 A: 'Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous'

 Q: What's a level headed RedNeck?
 A: One with sh*t coming out BOTH ears.

 Q: Why are there no fly swatters in Kentucky?
 A: It's against the law to kill the State Bird.

 Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks in phone booth?
 A: Tell 'em it's free phone sex.
 A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling.

 Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks out of a phone booth?
 A: Toss in a bar of soap.
 A: Throw in a copy of GQ.

 Q: How do you get them Back in AGAIN?
 A: Toss a plug inside.
 A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling back.

 Q: How does a `Real Man' know whenever
    his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
 A: A `Real Man' doesn't care.

 Q: What do you call a RedNeck with a third grade education?
 A: Perfessor

 Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy
    and a redneck?
 A: The good ol' boy raises livestock.
    The redneck gets emotionally involved.

 Q: Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
 A: The farm animals can't handle it.

 Q: Why do Rednecks `do it' doggie-style?
 A: So the guy closes his eyes he can pretend
    it's `Bessy' (Daddy's cow)

 Q: What do hillbillys do on Halloween?
 A: PUMP-KIN!!!

 Q: What's the one thing most rednecks say, just before dying?
 A: "Hey y'all.  Watch this."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
 Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet?
 A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
 Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
 A: Sooner or later, someones bound to lose a trailer.

From: scott_pryor on 99-02-21
 Q: How can a redneck trailer-tramp tell when
    her daughter is having a period?
 A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

 Q: What did the redneck trailer-tramp say
    to her lover after sex?
 A: Down boy.

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
 Q: Why do driver education classes in redneck schools use
    the car only on  Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
 A: Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
    the Sex Ed class uses it.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001 (S224)
 Q: How can you tell you are staying in a redneck hotel?
 A: When you call down to the front desk on the telephone
    and say, "I have a leak in the sink!" The desk clerk
    says, "Go ahead!"

From: dogbyte on 12/27/2001 (S256)
 Q: What does a 12 year old hillbilly girl say when
    she's losing her virginity?
 A: "Get off me, dad!  You're crushing my cigarettes!"

 Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
 A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

 Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
 A: Absolutely nothing.  They both drive around in dump
    trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten
    each day.

From: dogbyte on 8/11/2002 (S289b)
 Q: What does it mean when a girl in West Virginia has
    cum running out of both sides of her mouth?
 A: The trailer is level!

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