Subj:     Southern Jokes
                 (Includes 69 jokes and articles, 09912n,3,cf,md4w,2)

Cannon from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  The Yankee or Dixie Quiz (S591)
.........................Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican (S475)
.........................Boudreaux And Band-Aids (S446b, S675b)
.........................Southern Talk (DU)
.........................Two Southern Ladies Talk (S237, S760)
.........................Man Jumping From A Bridge (S177, DU)
.........................A Flood In Louisiana (S168, DU)
.........................What's Y'All's Sign? (S150, DU)
.........................Billy Bob Dies (S143, S631b)
.........................Windows Patch For Alabama (S403)
.........................Taxidermist In Alabama Bar (S230, DU)
.........................Alabama Medical Directory (DU)
.........................Man Saves Boy And Kills Dog (S190, S482)
.........................The North Vs The South (S440)
.........................You Know You Are A Yankee IF... (S86, DU)
.........................Things A True Southerner Knows (S227, S497c)
.........................Rules In The South (DU)
.........................or Tips For Northerners Moving South (S107)
.........................Southern Lady Visits New York (DU)
.........................Revenge Of The New York Woman (S30, DU)
.........................Short Southern Jokes
..............................Why We Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras (S482c)
..............................When The End Of The World Comes (S425b)
..............................Short Southern Jokes (S294)

Also see ARKANSAS file- 'Emi Sunshine And The Backporch Cloggers' - Music Video
......................(See whole file)
         BIRD-DUCKS   - 'Cock Fighting In Louisiana'
         CLOTHING file- 'Recipe for washing clothes'
......................- 'Two Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
         COWS-SHEEP   - 'Reporter In A Small Town'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Smart Southern Dog' - Video
         FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
         LAWYER1 file - 'The Lawyer Wins One......'
         HORSE file   - 'Cajun Buys Dead Donkey'
         HUNTING-CAMP - 'Deer Hunter Has Stroke'
         MATH1 file   - 'Cajun Math Test'
.........NATIONAL-STS - 'A West Virginia Love Story'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers And Their Cell Phones'
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'Photographer's Test In Florida'
         REDNECK2 file- 'Things You WON'T Hear A Redneck Say...'
......................-..(See whole file)
         REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Engineering Exam'
......................- 'Redneck Navitity Scene'
         RELIGION2    - 'Old Store Owner Quotes Scriptures'
......................- 'Ten Commandments In Cajun'
         SANTA file   - 'Memo From Santa Claus'
         SOLDIERS1    - 'LBJ Requests Two Lieutenants'
         TRAIN file   - 'Elderly Father Rides Train In South'
         TEAR JERKER1 - 'Everybody Has A Dream'
         YOU KNOW Y'RE- 'You Know You're A Native Noo Awleanian If:'

Subj:     The Yankee or Dixie Quiz (S591)
          From: ft.apache on 5/12/2008
Dixie flag from SaveOurDixie...
 Source: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee_dixie_quiz.html

 Take this twenty question quiz on the different American
 dialects and you will learn how southern is your speech.
 You can take the quiz at the above source, or on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican (S475)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/16/2006

 Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican ?

 Here is a little test that will help you decide........

 You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
 small children.  Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge
 knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams
 obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges.
 You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot.  You
 have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What
 do you do?

 Democrat's Answer:
 Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
 Does the man look poor or oppressed?
 Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
 Could we run away?
 What does my wife think?
 What about the kids?
 Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
    out of his hand?
 What does the law say about this situation?
 Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
 Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
    does this send to society and to my children?
 Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
 Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just
    to wound me?
 If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
    away while he was stabbing me?
 Should I call 9-1-1?
 Why is this street so deserted?  We need to raise taxes, have
    a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier
    street that would discourage such behavior.
 This is all so confusing!!  I need to debate this with some
    friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

 Republican's Answer:

 Southern Republican's Answer:
 click.....(sounds of reloading).

 "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Subj:     Boudreaux And Band-Aids (S446b, S675b)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005

 (that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all not familiar with Louisiana)
 Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his
 drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking
 his wife, Clotile.  He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the
 stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom
 step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
 swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

 A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
 especially painful.  Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up,
 pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that
 his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

 He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
 putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
 He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled
 his way to bed.  In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing
 pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from
 across the room.

 She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

 Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

 "Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door,  it could
 be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the
 drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your blood-
 shot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
 downstairs mirror.

Subj:     Southern Talk (DU)
          From: lljknt on 3/4/2003

 Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the
 most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced
 with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart."
 As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head
 of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."
 Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat
 an apple through a picket fence."

 There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue
 clucking types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing that
 even though she had that baby 7 months after they got married,
 bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!"  "The first one is
 usually premature, but all the rest take nine months to get

 As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult
 can't be all that bad, at least that's what my Great Aunt
 Tiny (bless her heart, she was anything but tiny) used to
 say.  I was thinking about this the other day when a friend
 was telling me about her new Northern friend who was upset
 because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a
 Southern accent.  My friend, who is very kind and, bless
 her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was
 justifiably miffed about this.  After all, this woman had
 CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you
 believe it?" said my friend. "A child of mine is going to
 be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

 Now, don't get me wrong.  Some of my dearest friends are
 from the North, bless their hearts.  I welcome their
 perspective, their friendships and their recipes for
 authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past
 their endless complaints that you can't find good bagels
 down here.

 The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners
 who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech.
 It's as if they want to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield.
 We've already lost too much!  I was raised to swanee, not
 swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I
 swanee you don't.  And I've caught myself thinking twice
 before saying something is "right much"; "right close" or
 "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny

 I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious
 when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor
 or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time
 I am "fixin to do somethin."  My personal favorite was
 uttered by my aunt who said, "Bless her heart, she can't
 help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

 To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your
 Southernness:  Take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye
 gravy and call me in  morning.  Bless your heart!

 And to those of you who are still having a hard time
 understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts,
 I hear they are fixin to have classes on Southernese as a
 second language!

 Bye Bye Y'all!   Bless your hearts.

Subj:     Two Southern Ladies Talk (S237, S760)
          From: thebartend on 8/16/2001
      and From: sam.hutkins on 8/5/2011

 Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia,
 the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing
 of a large white pillared mansion.

 The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my
 husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

 The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, bless your heart."

 The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
 my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in
 the drive.  "Again, the belle from Alabama commented, Well,
 bless your heart."

 The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was
 born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
 Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, bless
 your heart."

 The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
 husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama

 "Charm school, the first woman cried, "Land sakes," child,
 what on Earth for?""

 The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who
 gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

Subj:     Man Jumping From A Bridge (S177, DU)
          From: collins2 on 6/18/00

 A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a
 bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
 ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped
 his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you
 doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."

 The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and
 children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."

 The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother
 and father!"

 The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."

 The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"

 The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"

 With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee,

Subj:     A Flood In Louisiana (S168, DU)
          From: mbucher on 4/16/00

 One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next
 morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into
 most of the homes there.

 Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
 Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

 Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the
 house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
 then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating
 away from the house, then back in.

 Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
 Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from
 the house, then back again?"

 Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he
 was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

Subj:     What's Y'All's Sign? (S150, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 12/15/1999


 It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
 astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should
 get rid of them.  When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls,
 and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram.  Up the
 street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much.
 The rest of these things are just too obscure.  You only see
 crabs on vacation.  There are no lions or scorpions, not many
 archers and no water bearers.


 OKRA (DEC 22 - JAN 20)
 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
 inside.  Okra have tremendous influence.  An older Okra can
 look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
 everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

 CHITLIN (JAN 21 - Feb 19)
 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.  Many times they
 are uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.  A
 chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's
 motivated and has plenty of seasoning.  When it comes to
 dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.  Chitlins are best
 with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls

 BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
 You have an overwhelming curiosity.  You're unsatisfied with
 the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
 into the interior of everything.  Needless to say, you are
 very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.
 Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
 worry about it.

 MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
 It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
 "Big" and "round" are the key words here.  You should marry
 anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.  It's
 not going to be easy.  This might be the year to think about
 aerobics.  Maybe not.

 POSSUM (Apr 21 - MAY 21)
 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a
 marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't -- bother --
 me -- about -- it" attitude.  Sometimes you become so with-
 drawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is
 probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for
 you.  One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your
 problems actually running you over.

 CRAWFISH (MAY 22 - Jun 21)
 Crawfish is a water sign.  If you work in an office, you're
 always hanging around the water cooler.  Crawfish prefer the
 beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the
 bathtub to the living room.  You tend not to be particularly
 attractive physically.

 COLLARDS (Jun 22 - JUL 23)
 Collards have a genius for communication.  They love to get
 in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with
 the essences of those around them. Collards make good social
 workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.  As far as
 your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from
 Moon Pies. It just won't work.  Save yourself a lot of

 CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with
 one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
 You catfish are never easy people to understand.  You
 prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
 Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

 GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.  You
 like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
 You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about
 joining a club.  Where do you like to go? Anywhere they
 have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.  If you
 can go somewhere where they have all these things, that
 serves you well.

 BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
 Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and
 loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too
 salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
 because you are really much softer than you appear.  You
 should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because
 in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.  On the road of
 life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and
 stop for you.

 BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
 well with everybody.  You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
 You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no
 matter what the setting.  You can sit next to anybody. However,
 you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

 ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - DEC 21)
 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
 actually quite gentle.  A good evening for you?  Old friends,
 a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.  You are a
 throwback.  You're not concerned with today's fashions and
 trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You
 are really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior
 patterns.  You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
 Possum is another mating possibility.

Subj:     Billy Bob Dies (S143, S631b)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/27/1999
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 4/19/2005

 A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes
 into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
 her recently deceased husband is written.  The obit editor
 informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word.

 She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read,
 'Billy Bob died'."

 Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there
 is a seven word minimum on all obituaries."

 A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In
 that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

Subj:     Windows Patch For Alabama (S403)
          From: DafterLafter on 6/22/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/006.htm

Subj:     Taxidermist In Alabama Bar (S230, DU)
          From: JOELFALLON on 99-01-28
      and From: thebartend on 6/21/2001

 A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
 Surprised,the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from
 around here... where you from, boy?".

 The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

 The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

 The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

 The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a

 The guy says "I mount dead animals."

 The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's
 OK boys, he's one of us.

Subj:     Alabama Medical Directory (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #303 on 98-12-31

 Benign................What you be after you be eight.
 Artery................The study of paintings.
 Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
 Barium................What family do when kinfolk die.
 Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
 Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
 Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
 Coma..................A punctuation mark.
 D and C...............Where Washington is.
 Dilate................To live long.
 Enema.................Not a friend.
 Fibula................A small lie.
 Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
 Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
 Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
 Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
 Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
 Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
 Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test.
 Rectum................Darn near killed him.
 Secretion.............Hiding something.
 Seizure...............Roman emperor.
 Tablet................A small table.
 Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
 Tumor.................More than one.
 Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
 Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Subj:     Man Saves Boy And Kills Dog (S190, S482)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
      and From: jbcary1 on 4/24/2006

 In Mobile, Alabama, it seems a guy was riding down the street
 when he noticed a dog attacking a little boy.  He jumped out
 of his car, pulled the dog off and strangled it barehanded.
 The local newspaper editor saw it all, and rushed over to the
 man. "Wow, what a brave thing, tomorrow's headline will read
 'Local Man Saves Boy's Life'" he says.

 The man said, "Well, I'm not from Mobile."

 The editor thought and said, "OK, how about 'Alabama Man
 Does Heroic Deed'"?

 "Thanks, but actually I'm from Illinois, down here on business,"
 the man said.

 The headline the next day read "Yankee Barbarian Kills Family Pet."

Subj:     The North Vs The South (S440)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005

 If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting
 or moving to the South, there are a few things you should
 know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

 The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
 The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
 The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
 The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
 The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
 The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
 The North has green salads, The South has collard greens
 The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
 The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

 In the South: --  If you run your car into a ditch, don't
 panic.  Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a
 tow chain will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them,
 just stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.

 Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the
 same store....do not buy food at this store.

 Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and
 "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

 Get used to hearing  "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

 Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
 later on how to use it.

 Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
 They can't understand you either.  The first Southern state-
 ment to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is
 the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol"  boy.  Most Norther-
 ners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.  All
 of them are in denial about it.

 The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer

 Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this,"
 you should stay out of the way.  These are likely to be the
 last words he'll ever say.

 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
 the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required
 at the local grocery store.  It doesn't matter whether you
 need anything or not.  You just have to go there.

 Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own
 shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas
 taught them how to aim.

 In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush
 green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


 If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think
 we will accept them as Southerners.  After all, if the cat
 had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 God Bless !

Subj:     You know you are a Yankee IF... (S86, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
      and From: Imogenelumen on 10/31/2003

  1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
  2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
  3) You don't have any problems pronouncing
     "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
  4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
  5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
  6) You've never had grain alcohol.
  7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
  8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
  9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows
     you've seen are on road trips.
 10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
 11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm
     animals, it goes over your head.
 12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater
     on a poodle.
 13) You don't have bangs.
 14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than
     Six Flags.
 15) More than two generations of your family have been
     kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
 16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer
     than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
 17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all,"
     you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
 18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
 19) You have never planned your summer vacation
     around a gun-and-knife show.
 20) You think more money should go to important scientific
     research at your university than to pay the salary of
     the head football coach.
 21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere
     around the house.
 22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented
     someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
 23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise
     feed stores.
 24) The farthest south you've ever been is
     the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
 25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
 26) You can't spit out the car window without
     pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
 27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
 28) You don't know what applique is.
 29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences
     took place within the context of a football game.
 30) You don't know anyone with two first names
     (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
 31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know
     how to make one.
 32) You've never been to a craft show.
 33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
 34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
 35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

Subj:     Things A True Southerner Knows (S227, S497c)
          From: flovilla on 5/28/2001
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 7/31/2006

 The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
 Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
 What general direction cattywumpus is.
 That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
 When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
 How long "directly is" - As in "Going to town; be back directly."
 The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.
 How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers
    are at a country store.
 Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
 Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
 A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
 Real gravy don't come from the store.
 The War of Northern Aggression was over
    state rights, not slavery.
 When "by and by" is.
 The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".
 Never to go snipe hunting twice.
 At one point learned what happens
    when you swallow tobacco juice.
 Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn
    signal is actually going to make a turn.
 You may wear long sleeves, but you should always
    roll 'em up past the elbows.
 You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
 The South is more American than America
 Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
 Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are
    history lessons.

Subj:     Rules In The South (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15

and saved as

Subj:     Tips For Northerners Moving South (S107)
          From: collins2 on 99-02-13

  1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in
      bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

  2.  Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean
      we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

  3.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four
      men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of
      beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.  Don't try
      to help them.  Just stay out of their way.  This is what
      they live for.

  4.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
      the same store.

  5.  Do not buy food at the movie store.

  6.  Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural.
      "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

  7.  There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a
      Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a
      Boston accent.

  8.  People walk slower here.

  9.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
      They don't understand you either.

 10.  The first Southern expression to creep into a trans-
      planted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big
      ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".  Eighty-
      five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect
      with this expression.  One hundred percent are in denial
      about it.

 11.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
      longer proper.

 12.  "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

 13.  If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay
      until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent
      is torn down.

 14.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
      this!" stay out of his way.  These are likely the last
      words he will ever say.

 15.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
      ignore those who do.  In fact, if you see a signal
      blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you
      may rest assured that it was on when the car was

 16.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the
      inside of their car's windshield that comes from
      yelling at other drivers.

 17.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September
      can wait until November.

 18.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
      even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence
      is required at the local grocery store.  It does not
      matter if you need anything from the store, it is
      just something you're supposed to do.

 19.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When
      you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in
      front of your trailer.  This is logical bearing in
      mind that the dish cost considerably more than the
      trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

 20.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce
      have a lot in common.  In either case, you know
      someone is going to lose a trailer.

 21.  Florida is not considered a Southern state (except
      Gainesville).  There are far more Yankees than
      Southerners living there.

 22.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a
      55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
      remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of
      vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper
      speed and lane position for the vehicle.

 23.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless
      you already know the positions of key hills, trees
      and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Subj:     Southern Lady Visits New York (DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-01

 Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York
 City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her
 daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends.  She tells
 them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

 "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York
 City," says Miss Annabell.  "They have men there who kiss
 other men on the lips."

 Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!
 Oh my!"

 "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

 "Oh my!  Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

 "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other
 women on the lips!"

 "Oh my!  Oh my," exclaim the girls.  "What do they call
 them?"  they asked.

 "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

 "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there
 in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

 "Oh my!  Oh my!  Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on
 the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.
 "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

 Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when
 I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

Subj:     Revenge Of The New York Woman (S30, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22

 A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party.
 The woman from Texas said to the woman from New York, "Hi!
 Where y'all from?"  The woman from New York replied, "Where I
 come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions..."

 The Texas woman replied, "Fine!  Where y'all from, BITCH?!"

 A few minutes later, the New Yorker met the Texas woman's
 husband.  Intent on getting even with the sassy lass, she
 asked, (in her most suggestive voice) "Is there anything I
 can do for you, handsome??"

 "Welllll," replied the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

 The New Yorker nodded and took the Texan into a bedroom. She
 removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot
 session of mad passionate lovemaking with him.  After they are
 done, she again asked suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there
 anything "else" I can do for you?"

 "Well, thank you, ma'am," he replied. "I could still use that
 piece of ass for my drink."
 >>      (ice)

Subj:     Short Southern Jokes

Subj: Why We Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras (S482c)
      From: darrell94590
      on 4/21/2006
 You can view this cute photo on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     When The End Of The World Comes (S425b)
          From: DafterLafter on 2/24/2005
 A senior at Alabama was overheard saying ... "when the end
 of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama."  When asked
 why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything
 happens in Alabama 20 years later than in the rest of the
 civilized world.

Subj:     Short Southern Jokes (S294)
          From: RFSlick on 9/19/2002
 A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire
 estate in trust for his beloved widow.  She can't touch
 it until she's fourteen.

 Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18
 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

 They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
 to 32.  It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the
 high schools.

 In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

 How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
 There's dried snuff spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

 Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery.  The winner
 gets $3 a year for a million years.

 Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock, burned
 down.  In fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer

 A law recently changed in North Carolina and now states:
 When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

 The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40

 An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck.  He asked
 the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #275 on 98-12-31 (S100)
 What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
    and a Southern fairytale?
 A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
 A Southern fairytale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this

From: igiggle on 3/8/2006 (S477b)
 Not all southerners are slow.  Many of us are fast and
 jittery.  Gomer and Cooter make you nervous?  Wait until
 you meet Twitchy.  But in the South, there are good reasons
 to move a little slow.  It's hot.  And we're armed.  We've
 killed before, we'll kill again.  We're tryin' not to kill
 anyone today.  -- Basil White

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
 Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under
    each arm?
 A: A pimp.

 Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
    northern zoo?
 A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal
    on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Millan Net Gif Animations