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>>>
Subj:     Dating1 Jokes
                 (Includes 61 jokes and articles, 16970n,8,cf,wXT2b,4)

He Loves Me Flower
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
Includes the following:..B.C. Comic Strip (S647b)
.........................Picking Up Girls With Potatoes (S179, S525)
.........................Daughter Likes To Screw (S135, S811)
.........................Personal Ad (S42, S512b)
.........................Lucky Escape - Video (S872)
.........................Joe Dates A Girl From The Carnival (S249, S426)
.........................Dates Toes Curl During Sex (S120, S467)
.........................Man Describes Date As A Rose (S183)
.........................How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand - Video (S593)
.........................Man Catches Woman's Glass Eye (S71, S774)
.........................A Guy And Girl On Their First Date (S92, S425b)
.........................Before And After You Fall In Love (S78, DU)
.........................Everyone Likes To Watch - Video (S455)
.........................Michael Goes On A Blind Date (S119)
.........................Saying 'I Love You' (S76, S808)
.........................25 Corny Pick-Up Lines (S292)
.........................The Dad's Side of the Story - Video (S915)
.........................29 Pick up lines that "may" work....
.........................Pick-Up Line Retorts (S76)
.........................Ways To Turn Men Down
.........................High Schoolers Go To Different Colleges (S69)
.........................The Wizard of Id (S606b)
.........................Blind Daters With Fetishes (S186)
.........................Girlfriend Packs Her Bags (S364b)
.........................Guy And Gal Having Painful Sex (S186)
.........................Separation To End Unemployment (DU)
.........................Frank And Ernest Sunday Comic Strip (S697b)
.........................Blind Date At The Carnival (S131B)
.........................The Mink Coat (S19, S820)
.........................Policeman Checks Parked Couple (S187, S533c)
.........................Guy Meets Girl At Mailbox (S188, S351)
.........................Cold Hands Between The Legs (S190)
.........................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S911)

Also see ADVICE-SUPP  - 'Madea Gives Relationship Advice' - Video
         APPLICATION  - (See whole file)
         BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting From Sickly Father'
         BAR2 file    - 'Woman With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'Toilet Seat Note To Bro'
         BEARS file   - 'A Dinner Date'
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'City Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Boyfriend Is Buying Flowers'
         BREASTS file - 'Finding the Right Girl'
         CARS2 file   - 'Stripping To Speed Up The Car'
......................- 'Guy Gets Help During Car Sex'
         CARS SUPP    - 'Moving To The Back Seat'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'An Italian Christmas Date'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Dating A Sunday School Teacher'
         CLOTHING file- 'Man Buys Gloves For Woman'
         CONDOM file  - 'Being Propositioned By Your Fiancee's Sister'
......................- 'Being Propositioned By Your Fiancee's Sister II' - Video
......................- 'Widow's First Time'
......................- 'Young Man Buys Some Condoms'
         DIFFERENCES1 - 'Why Men Will Never Win'
......................- 'The Differences Between Men And Women'
......................- 'Relationships!'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'How To Break Up With A Woman'
......................- 'Stages Of Life'
......................- 'What Men Want And What Women Want'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'He Said/ She Said'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
         DRINKING     - 'Lady Prefers Sherry To Port'
         ELDERLY2     - 'Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Senior Dating'
         ELDERLY3     - '26 Signs You've Already Grown Up'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'An American In London'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Polish Dating Agency'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'The Bachelor Diet'
         FOURTHofJuly - 'Twins Born On The Fourth Of July'
         FUCK file    - 'How To Get Laid'
         GAYS-SUPP    - 'Gay Marriage' - Video
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Date's Parents Are Deaf Mutes'
         HARLEY file  - 'Family Dinner And The Harley'
         HEADLINES-ADS- 'Finding A Date In The Personal Column'
         HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'German Eye Glasses Ad' - Video
         HOWTO file   - 'How To Pick Up Women'
         IRISH1 file  - 'For The Love Of Mrs. Brown' - Video
         JEWISH2 file - 'Two Jewish Widows Discuss A Date'
.........JOBS3 file   - 'Short Human Relationship Training'
         JOB-STUFF    - 'Sales Methods'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip'
         LISTS file   - 'Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:'
         LOVE file    - 'Sitting Close While You Drive'
.........MARRIAGE1    - 'Husban Gets Peanut In His Ear'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'I Love Her, But.....'
......................- 'In Love, In Lust, Or Married?'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Picking A Wife'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'I Love Her, But...'
......................- 'The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
         MEN2 file    - 'Male-to-English Dictionary'
......................- 'Rate Yourself w/Women'
         MEN4 file    - 'Men's Life Cycle'
         MenQuestions - '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MONKEY file  - 'Couple Visit Gorilla Cage'
.........MOTHERS file - 'Son Brings Home His Future Bride'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Drug Makes Your Dick Last'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Man Dates With Little Dick'
         PILOT file   - 'Pierre The Fighter Pilot'
......................- 'Pilot Engaged To Two Ladies'
         PLANE-SUPP2  - 'In Descent Proposal' - Video
.........POETRY file  - 'My First Time'
.........POLICE2 file - 'Couple Arrested During Sex'
         PRIEST file  - 'Priest Hears Confession Of Amorous Man'
         PUSSY file   - 'Strangers Have Sex On Beach'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Great Quotes Of Men, Women, And Relationships'
         QUO-COMED-SUP- 'Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women' - Video
         SCOTTIES file- 'A Penny For Your Thoughts'
......................- 'The Gleam In Your Eye'
         SEX2 file    - 'Boyfriend Wants Blowjob'
         SHIPS file   - 'What's Love'
.........SKING file   - 'First Date Sking'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'Soldier At Front Gets 'Dear John' Letter'
         SOLDIER-SUPP - 'The MRE Date'
         STARTRK-SPACE- 'Candorville Comic Strip'
         THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Rules To Live By' (in NonJokes)
         WAITER-WAITRS- 'Man Wants To Date Waitress'
         WAITER-SUPP  - 'Shoe Comic Strip'
         WEDDING file - 'Mail Order Groom'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'In Praise Of Older Women'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'What I Want In A Man II'
......................- 'A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women'
         WOMEN3 file  - 'Woman's Dictionary'
============================================================Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (S647b)
          By Johnny Hart (1931-2007) on 6/3/2009
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2009/06/03
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Top
Subj:     Picking Up Girls With Potatoes (S179, S525)
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
      and From: darrell94590 on 2/10/2007

 (This joke was told during the father of the bride speech at
 a wedding about the father's new son-in-law.)

 I first met Glen when he came to work for me in one of our
 restaurants.  After a few weeks, he approached me and said
 "Chris, you're a man of the world, how do you attract the
 attention of a girl you fancy?"

 I had no idea that the girl in question was my daughter, so
 I said, "Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a
 couple of nice sized potatoes, and stick 'em in your underpants."

 A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the
 kitchen, "Hey Glen, how's your love life going?"

 He ambled towards me sullenly and muttered "Well, to tell you
 the truth, things have got worse since I took your advice."

 I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem. "Glen",
 I said, the potatoes are supposed to go in the front."

Top
Subj:     Daughter Likes To Screw (S135, S811)
          From: collins2 on 8/30/99
      and From: sam.hutkins on 7/26/2012

 It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
 He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the
 front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

 "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he
 says.  "That's cool," says Bobby.  Carrie's father asks Bobby
 what they're planning to do.  Bobby replies politely that they
 will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's
 father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear
 all the kids are doing it."

 Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he
 asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

 "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
 she'll screw all night if we let her!"

 Well, Bobby doesn't quite know what to think, but his plan for
 the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

 A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
 skirt and announces that she's ready to go.  Almost breathless
 with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
 the door behind her, and screams:  "Dammit Daddy!  THE TWIST!!
 IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

Top
Subj:     Personal Ad (S42, S512b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003
      and From: jbcary1 on 11/7/2006

 The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to
 have received numerous calls.

 SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
 unimportant.  I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to
 play.  I love long walks in the woods, riding in your
 pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy
 winter nights lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners
 will have me eating out of your hand.  Rub me the right
 way and watch me respond.  I'll be at the front door
 when you get home from work, wearing only what nature
 gave me.  Kiss me and I'm yours.  Call (404) 875-6420
 and ask for Daisy.

 Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
 Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

 The origin of this joke is old and unknown according to
 Snopes.com at http://www.snopes.com/humor/nonsense/sbf.asp
 

Subj:     Second Personal Ad (S179)
          From: RFSlick on 7/2/00
          (Also see Want Add in DATING1)

 A  tall  well-built  woman  with good
 reputation,   who   can  cook   frogs
 legs, who  appreciates a  good  fuc-
 schia garden, classic music and tal-
 king  without  getting  too  serious.
 But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Top
Subj:     Lucky Escape (S872d)
          Directed by Shane McCable
          From: bill7808 on 9/20/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/E3pjq0WAupc

 When a high powered career woman is asked on a romantic date
 by her boyfriend, she decides to end their relationship there
 and then.  Not content to let her man down gently, she goes
 in all guns blazing, prepared even to vent her spleen, but is
 she really prepared for the outcome?  Click 'HERE' to see why
 a man should always let a woman speak first.

Top
Subj:     Joe Dates A Girl From The Carnival (S249, S426)
          From: dogbyte on 11/9/2001

 (See 'Blind Date At The Carnival' in this file)

 Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival.  They
 quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited
 Joe to her house.

 When he got there, he noticed a few strange things.  First,
 he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny
 mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and
 fat.

 He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy
 toys.

 That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on
 the bed.  He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her,
 and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"

 And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf,
 unless you want to try again and win something from the
 middle shelf!"

Top
Subj:     Dates Toes Curl During Sex (S120, S467)
          From: thebartend on 5/19/99 and 12/26/2005

 (Also see 'Elderly Couple In Old Folk's Home Have Sex' in Elderly1)

 Nujie and Lorne met in a night club one night and dance the
 night away.  They hit it off pretty well and soon Lorne
 suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular
 activity.

 Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed
 making passionate love.  As they were making love though,
 Lorne noticed something strange.  Nujie's toes would curl
 up during every lovemaking session.

 When they were done, they laid back on the bed and relaxed
 against the pillows.  Lorne, being impressed with himself
 said, "I must have been pretty good tonight.  I noticed
 your toes curling up every time we made love.

 Nujie looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when
 someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."

Top
Subj:     Man Describes Date As A Rose (S183)
          From: thebartend on 4/14/99

 A Man took a Lady out to dinner for the first time.  Later
 they went to a show.  The evening was a huge success and
 as he dropped her at the door he said "I Had a lovely
 time.  You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful
 rambling rose.  May I call on you tomorrow?". She agreed and
 the date was made.

 The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened
 it she slapped him hard across the face.  He was stunned
 "What was that for?" he asked.

 She said: "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia
 last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but
 is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'"

Top
Subj:     How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand (S593d)
          From: tom on 5/27/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/TyHdeqLOk8U

 You wake-up in the morning with a man in your bed you
 don't recognize.  How can you get him to want to go home
 right now.  Clicking 'HERE' to  view this unusual, but
 cute video

Top
Subj:     Man Catches Woman's Glass Eye (S71, S774)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #140 on 98-06-06
      and From: allenbergman on 11/13/2011

 A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was
 raining and put his head out the window to check.  As he
 did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

 He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a
 young woman looking down.

 "Is this yours?" he asked.

 She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

 On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the
 man a drink.  As she was very attractive he agreed.
 Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.
 There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

 He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
 As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've
 had a marvelous evening.  Would you like to stay the night?"

 The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with
 every man you meet?"

 "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Top
Subj:     A Guy And Girl On Their First Date (S92, S425b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22

 A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
 and finally she agrees to go out with him.  He takes her to
 a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive
 wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the
 road in a secluded spot.  They start necking and he's
 getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt
 and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay
 that way.

 "Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?" "EEEyyyeewww!"
 she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

 He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

 "I've never done that," she says.  "What do I have to do?"
 "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you
 used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with
 it?" She nods.

 "Well, it's just like that."

 So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts
 shaking it.  A few seconds later, his head flops back on
 the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his
 nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

 "What's wrong?!" she cries out.

 "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

Top
Subj:     Before And After You Fall In Love (S78, DU)
          From: icohen on 98-07-25

 Here are a few examples:

 b- you take my breath away
 a- I feel like I'm suffocating

 b- twice a night
 a- twice a month

 b- she says she loves the way I take control of a situation
 a- she called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

 b- Lucy and Ricky
 a- Fred and Ethyl

 b- saturday night fever
 a- monday night football

 b- he makes me feel like a millon dollars
 a- if I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

 b- don't stop
 a- don't start

 b- the sound of music
 a- the sounds of silence

 b- is that all you're having?
 a- maybe you should have just a salad, honey

 b- wheel of fortune
 a- jeopardy

 b- its like I'm living in a dream
 a- its like he lives in a dorm

 b- $60/doz.
 a- $1.50/stem

 b- turbo charged
 a- jump start

 b- we agree on everything
 a- doesn't she have a mind of her own?

 b- victoria secret
 a- fruit of the loom

 b- charming and noble
 a- chernobyl

 b- feathers and handcuffs
 a- ball and chain

 b- idol
 a- idle

 b- I love a woman with curves
 a- I never said you were fat

 b- he's completely lost without me
 a- why won't he ever ask for directions?

 b- time stood still
 a- this relationship is going nowhere

 b- croissant and cappuccino
 a- bagel and instant

 b- blind
 a- nearsighted

 b- you look so seductive in black
 a- your clothes are so depressing

 b- iambic pentameter
 a- blank verse

 b- oysters
 a- fishsticks

 b- I can hardly believe we found each other
 a- I can't believe I ended up with someone like  you

 b- passion
 a- ration

 b- once upon a time
 a- the end

Top
Subj:     Everyone Likes To Watch (S455d, S871)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/12/2005 (in Movies)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/WIOARR9Ya58

 This is a very funny, short video clip from the Los Angeles
 Film Festival.  It was an advertisement for their 2004
 festival.  Click 'HERE' to watch and be shocked.

Top
Subj:     Michael Goes On A Blind Date (S119)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #300 on 5/15/99

 Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of
 his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with
 someone he's never seen before.  "What do I do if she's
 ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

 "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet
 her first.  If you like what you see then everything goes
 as planned.  If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and
 fake an asthma attack."

 So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when
 she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy
 she is.  He's about to speak when the girl suddenly
 shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Top
Subj:     Saying 'I Love You' (S76, S808)
          From: ossama on 98-07-15

 A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say
 "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so.  The only
 exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act
 of making love.  Then, if asked, he would say the sacred
 words.

 I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in
 the exception.  When making love, I explained, men will
 say anything.

 "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he
 thinks you want to hear," I told her.  The conversation
 rattled on from there.

 A couple of weeks later, she related the following.

 "We were in bed, making love.  I said, 'Tell me you love
 me.'  He said, 'I love you.'  I said 'Tell me you're the
 Easter Bunny.'  He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm
 the Easter Bunny.'  So I slapped him."

 The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

Top
Subj:     25 Corny Pick-Up Lines (S292)
          From: Puneet385 on 9/3/2002

 Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.
 I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your
    bed rock.
 Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I
    walk by again?
 Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
 Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere
    I want to be.
 I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the
    only one talking to you.
 Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King,
    you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
 Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have
    lost mine.
 I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?  I think
    he went into this cheap motel room.
 I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
 If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be
    McGorgeous.
 Let's do breakfast tomorrow.  Should I call you or nudge you?
 If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
 There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take
    them off you.
 Do you have a map?  I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
 You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
    only a light switch away.
 That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
 Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
 Was your father a thief?  'Cause someone stole the stars
    from the sky and put them in your eyes.
 Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a
    nice set of buns.
 Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
 Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
 Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
 Do you sleep on your stomach?  No.  Can I?
 Be unique and different, say yes.

 98pickuplines.com

Top
Subj:     The Dad's Side of the Story (S915d)
          Sung by Benji Jenna Cowart
          From: Bonita Ahlers on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/TzyQx6AL1MQ
 Source2: http://sfglobe.com/?id=1691&src=share_fb_new_1691

 He didn't know how to tell his daughter's boyfriend this,
 so he made this song.  Click 'HERE' to listen to this
 dad's very sincere song.

Top
Subj:     29 Pick up lines that "may" work.... Use at your own risk !!!
          From: jbcary1 on 7/1/2005 (S440b)

 I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
 (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out
    of these wet clothes.
 Nice legs...what time do they open?
 Do you work for UPS?  I thought I saw you checking out my
    package.
 You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
 I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted
    Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
 I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on
    earth tonight.
 Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
    outta me.
 I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
    could ride you all day long for a quarter.
 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
 I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
 Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway
    to heaven?
 You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
 I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
    farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
 If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be
    you by morning.
 You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
 You, Me, Whipped cream, Handcuffs,... Any questions?
 F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga  Titsbottom?
 Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
    bedroom floor.
 My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming
    it later.
 Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
 My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
 Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk
    to you.
 My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime
    you want to.
 I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have
    you been drinking?
 If you were the last woman and I was the last man on
    earth, I bet we could do it in public.
 Wanna come over for some pizza and sex?  No?  Why, don't
    you like pizza?
 Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go
    home without me.
 Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see
    myself in them.

Top
Subj:     Pick-Up Line Retorts (S76)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10

 (See 'How To Pick Up Women' in HOWTO)

 Man:   "Haven't we met before?"
 Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

 Man:   "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
 Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

 Man:    "Is this seat empty?"
 Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

 Man:   "Your place or mine?"
 Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

 Man:   "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
 Woman: "It's in the phone book."
 Man:   "But I don't know your name!!"
 Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

 Man:    "So what do you do for a living?"
 Woman:  "I'm a female impersonator."

 Man:   "What sign were you born under?"
 Woman: "No Parking."

 Man:   "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
 Woman: "Do not Enter"

 Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
 Woman: "Unfertilized !"

 Man:   "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
        for the same reason"
 Woman: "Yeah!  Let's pick up some chicks!"

 Man:   "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
 Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

 Man:   "I know how to please a woman."
 Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

 Man:   "I want to give myself to you."
 Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

 Man:   "I can tell that you want me."
 Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."

 Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
 Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably
        die laughing."

 Man:   "Your body is like a temple."
 Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

 Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
 Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

 Man:   "I would go to the end of the world for you.
 Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

From: KMacinty@cde.ca.gov on 6/1/99
 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
 Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


Subj:     Ways To Turn Men Down
          From: gheckman on 2/19/2002
 HE: Can I buy you a drink?
 SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

 HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a
     face like yours.
 SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for
     a face like yours.

 HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
 SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

 HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
 SHE: I must've been given your share.

 HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
 SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

 HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
 SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

 HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
 SHE: Okay, get out.

 HE: I think I could make you very happy.
 SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

 HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
 SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

 HE: Can I have your name?
 SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

 HE: Shall we go see a movie?
 SHE: I've already seen it.

 HE: Where have you been all my life?
 SHE: Hiding from you.

 HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
 SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

 HE: Is this seat empty?
 SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 HE: So, what do you do for a living?
 SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

 HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
 SHE: Do not enter.

 HE: Your body is like a temple.
 SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

 HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
 SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 HE: Where have you been all my life?
 SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life -
      in your wildest dreams.

Top
Subj:     High Schoolers Go To Different Colleges (S69)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #128 on 98-05-23

 Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
 years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
 virginity with each other in 10th grade.  When they graduated,
 they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was
 accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to
 the west coast.  They agreed to be faithful to each other and
 spend anytime they could together.  As time went on, the guy
 would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he
 wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.  Even when
 he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally,
 she confessed to him she wanted to date around.  He didn't
 take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails
 trying to win back her love.

 Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
 she wanted to get him off her back.  So, what she did is this:
 she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
 unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
 reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

 Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
 so, was pissed.  So, what he did next was awesome.  He wrote
 on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad,
 having a great time at college, please send more money!" and
 mailed the picture to HER parents.

Top
Subj:     The Wizard of Id (S606b)
          By Parker and Hart on 8/14/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/wizardofid/2008/08/14
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Top
Subj:     Blind Daters With Fetishes (S186)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #242 on 98-04-28

 The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the
 evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his
 apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine,
 tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take
 into account in bed?"

 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a
 foot fetish- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight
 inches."

Top
Subj:     Girlfriend Packs Her Bags (S364b)
          From: BennoRo on 1/20/2004

 (See 'Guy And Gal Having Painful Sex' in this file)

 A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing.

 "Where are you going?" he asks.

 "I'm leaving you," she answers.

 "Leaving me? But why?"

 She continues packing and says, "Because I found out today
 that you're a pedophile!"

 "A pedophile? A pedophile?" he shouts, "That's a pretty big
 word for a ten year old!"

Top
Subj:     Guy And Gal Having Painful Sex (S186)

 (See 'Girlfriend Packs Her Bags' in this file)

 This guy and gal are doing some heavy breathing.  Suddenly
 the girl stops and says to the guy "Oh! You're hurting me!".
 The guy runs into the bathroom, take some Vaseline and rub
 it onto his dick.  A few moments later they are humping and
 pumping again. Again she stops and says "Oh! You're hurting
 me!".  Again he puts on some Vaseline, and they are at it again.
 The third time that she said he was hurting her, he dipped his
 whole dick in the Vaseline, and returned for some more sex.
 This time she stops him and says "Oh No! Stop! The pain is
 excruciating". The guy stands back a bit, look at her and says
 "Boy, that's a big word for a 3 year old".

Top
Subj:     Separation To End Unemployment (DU)

 "So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked
 the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"

 "Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women
 on another." replied Paddy.

 "And what would they be doing then?"

 "Building boats!"

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Comic Strip (S697b)
          By Bob Thaves on 5/23/2010
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2010/05/23

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute, Sunday comic strip on
 geometric shapes dating.

Top
Subj:     Blind Date At The Carnival (S131B)
          From: thebartend on 7/30/99

 (See 'Joe Dates A Girl From The Carnival' in this file)

 Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
 to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she
 said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.
 Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was
 over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want
 to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
 Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
 and Scott lost his dollar.

 The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where
 to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this
 time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early,
 dropping her off with a handshake.

 Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
 go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Top
Subj:     The Mink Coat (S19, S820)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/24/2004
      and From: rfslick on 9/29/2012

 A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
 "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.  The
 owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
 gorgeous full-length coat.

 As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and
 discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
 $65,000."

 "No problem! I'll write you a check!"

 "Very good, sir." says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.
 You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has
 cleared."  The man and the woman leave.

 On Monday, the fellow returns without the lady.  The store
 owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
 There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

 "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for
 the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Top
Subj:     Policeman Checks Parked Couple (S187, S533c)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11
      and From: redcatt on 4/4/2007

 A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking
 spot overlooking a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw
 a couple inside with the dome light on.  Inside there was a
 young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine
 and a  young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

 He stopped to investigate.  He walked up to the driver's
 window and knocked.  The young man looked up, obligingly
 cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

 "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

 "I'm reading this magazine," answered the young man.

 Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
 then asked, "And what is she doing?"

 The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think
 she's knitting a sweater."

 Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"

 "I'm nineteen," he replied.

 "And how old is she?" asked the officer.

 The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
 twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Top
Subj:     Guy Meets Girl At Mailbox (S188, S351)
          From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
      and From: pns on 10/18/2003

 A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the
 lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.  While there,
 an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next
 to the mailboxes wearing a robe.  He smiles at the young
 girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.  As they
 talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she
 has nothing on under the robe.

 Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye
 contact.  After a few minutes, she places her hand on his
 arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
 coming..."  He preceedes her into the apartment, and after
 she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her
 robe to fall completely open.  She purrs at him, "What
 would you say is my best feature?"

 The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat
 several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be
 your ears!"

 She's astounded!  Why my ears?  Looks at these boobs!
 They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine!  My butt
 - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite!  Look at
 this skin, no blemishes, or scars!  Why in heaven's name
 would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

 Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside
 when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

Top
Subj:     Cold Hands Between The Legs (S190)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #179

     Moved to 'Young Couple Goes To Mountains' in BODY_PARTS

Top
Subj:     Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S911)
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 8/19/2012
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2012/08/19
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.............................Flower from Smiley_Central.
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