Subj: Dating2 Jokes
(Includes 21 jokes and articles, 16841,7,cf,md4,18)
Moon Lite Kiss
Dating Ariane Simulator (S549d,13)
and for other options go to
It is quite difficult to score
with Ariane on your first
date. She will ask if you are over 18 years old early in
the game. If you say "NO" you won't get beyond first
base. Click on the Source1 above to play.
One of the better solutions for
the game can be found at
Because of all the people playing this game, if you get
off one of the main solves, the game will lock up.
||After playing this game
for three days, I decided
to write my own walkthrough. Click 'HERE' to see
my solution to this game.
A girl moves in with her boyfriend,
whose enormous collection
of old magazines took up an entire room in the apartment.
"It's me or the magazines," she insisted. When he refused
to part with any of them, the girl stormed out. As she told
her friends - he just had too many issues.
Subj: Girl's Best Friends When Dating (S307b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002
After dinner and a movie, Carl
drove his date to a quiet
country road and made his move. When Mary responded
enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out
of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her
own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned
to the country road.
As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up
Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the
car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her
diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two
On the third date, the pair returned
to the country road.
This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when
even the best of friends must part."
Got Your Number (S648b,d)
From: ginafm on 5/25/2009
Photo from FunnyVideos...
This video clip is about two
guys who will do anything to
collect girls phone numbers. Click on the above source,
or 'HERE' for my file copy, to see this funny, stupid video.
Subj: Couple Has Sex In A Van (S138)
From: RFSlick on 09/18/1999
A young couple were making passionate
love in the guy's van
(you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back...
all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky
side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not
wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he
opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds
to whip the girl until they both collapse inmsado-masochistic
About a week later, the girl
notices that the marks left by
the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes
to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and
asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?" The girl is a
little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van
aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Subj: What Woman And Man Think During Date (S136, S355)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/8/99
and From: thebartend on 11/11/2003
(See 'Relationships!' in DIFFERENCES1)
Sunday night - I thought he was
acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so
I suggested that we go some-
where quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault
that he was upset. He said
it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that
I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I
don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if
I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he
came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and
we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his
thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take
it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I
started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today the Packers (or pick your
favorite team) lost, but at
least I got laid.
Momma Comics On Elderly Dating (S598b)
From: Creators.com on 7/1/2008
You can read this cute comic
strip about elderly dating
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter (S126b)
From: KMacinty on 6/29/99
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you
have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware,
the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-
qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make
the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqual-
ified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking
it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has
been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me
for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into
my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given
the 9-month pregnant size of your beer gut, was
___ You failed the credit check.
___ Your inability to fix my car is extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you
___ Size does matter.
[Your name here]
Subj: Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (S123)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #305 on 6/4/99
(See 'Application To Date My Daughter' in APPLICATION)
Rule One - If you pull into my
driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell
not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so
loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still,
I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I
will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I *will* kill you.
Rule Five - It is usually understood that in order for us to
get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word
I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make *you* cry.
Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for
my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or
nuns within eyesight. Places where there is dark-
ness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature
is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine - Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am "The All-knowing,
Merciless God of Your Universe". If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten - Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little
for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Non Sequitur Comic On Dating (S548c)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/11/2007
This is a cute comic strip on
dating. You will need
to view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Girl At Bar Invites Guy To Her Home (S179)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00
Replaced by 'Joe Dates A Girl From The Carnival' in DATING1
Subj: Finding A Picture Of The Competition (S117, S572b)
From: thebartend on 4/26/99
and From: ginafm on 1/1/2008
Whilst enjoying a drink with
a friend one night, Dan decides
to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a
drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to
The pair jump into a taxi and
as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, Dan being totally spent
rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable
to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside
table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands
the Dan. Calmly, the girl
takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and
replies, "That's me before the operation."
Subj: What Kind Of Man Makes The Best Lover? (S42)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03
Unfortunately, many men who seem
attractive on the surface
are actually strongly homosexual, often without even
knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests,
arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by
male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are
athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to
dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes.
These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on
sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to
compensate for their affliction.
Experienced, self-confident lovers,
the kind you want,
don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies.
They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and
waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come
in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they
call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can
be depended on not to cause
embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on
short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particu-
larly driven by passion. Look for them!
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded
by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches
long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo
painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the
average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man
can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while,
you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. What-
ever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed
one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put
into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that
it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis
is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an
orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the
same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he
"leaves a little something on your plate." When, after
intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be
"more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then
you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the
sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you
will see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's
mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally
fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating
a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to
put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an
"unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His
satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a
sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of
male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball
game immediately after climax. Many women find a particu-
larly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the
kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along
with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help
her love put back depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate
her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not
perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long
before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can
help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man
a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to
invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do what-
ever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary
your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or
rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also,
don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attract-
ive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another
technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names.
Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him
tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You
will find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty,
married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you
of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night.
Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man,
unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink
at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can
I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker
and things will naturally progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?" There
is absolutely no way to tell.
"What's the best way to keep
my teeth and skin looking
healthy and shiny?" One of the best and most frequently
neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow
get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.
"What are some "loving nicknames"
we can use?" You should
always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King
Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite
lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
"Where should a man take me?"
Because so many homosexual
men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look
for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for
a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you
know what he's thinking about.
"What happens if he doesn't call?"
He may be trying to
keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your
'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't,
find another person who sort of looks like him and
maybe write or works for a humor magazine, then try the
"Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may
find you've met a new, exciting lover.
Hagar Sunday Comic Strip (S760)
by Dik Browne
From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/31/2011
to read this cute Hagar the Horrible
Sunday comic strip about how to get a girlfriend.
Subj: Mating Research
University of Michigan researchers
in 1994 have devised a
universal theory to explain what ignites our passions and
plunges us into the most despairing heartbreak. In the
largest study of its kind, Dr. David Buss and colleagues
surveyed more than 10,000 people living on six continents
and five islands about their mating preferences and attitudes.
The research, financed by the National Institute of Mental
Health, spanned a six-year period and involved the colla-
boration of 50 other scientists. From Zambia to Japan, the
language of love and lust transcended cultural boundaries,
the researchers found.
"Humans everywhere have very
similar desires for mates,"
said Buss, who has studied sexual behavior more than 15
years. "However, the desires of men and women differ, and
they change depending on whether one is seeking casual sex
or a long-term relationship."
Buss said 90 percent of the people
throughout the world get
married; however, most do not spend a lifetime with one
partner exclusively. He said short-term coupling dominates
modern human mating strategies, but men and women seek out
liaisons for different reasons: women to test their market
value, men to test their virility.
"If a man could have his fantasy,
he would sequester and
monopolize all the attractive women in the country," Buss
said. "Indeed, men who are in a position to get what they
want, kings, tycoons, celebrities, often do things like
The researchers found that males
said they desired an
average of eight sexual partners in a two-year period,
while females wanted only one. In a lifetime, males said
they wanted 18 women, while females said they wanted four
men, on average.
Male and female America generally
takes time. Male and
female students were equally likely to engage in sex after
knowing their partner for more than five years, the study
reported. But the average male was willing to have sex
after knowing his partner one week, while the average
female said she would wait six months.
Buss speculated that male promiscuity
is a primal instinct
that reflects nature's attempt to maximize reproduction in
a dangerous world. The female's caution reflects her
instinct to "seek resources and protection because she must
bear the children." Males, eager to disperse their genes,
look for cues in females that signal sexual accessibility
and fertility; health, youth, and curves, the scientists
said. Men often value female promiscuity, he said, but
only for short-term relationships. When a male wants a
wife, he values chastity and prefers someone who lacks
prior sexual experience because of his need to make certain
he is the father of the children.
"Historically, men have sequestered
women with chastity
belts, eunuch-guarded harems, veiling, even surgical
procedures," Buss noted in the study, which was published
in the journal Psychological Review.
In more than two thirds of the
37 countries studied, men
desired chastity in a mate more than women did. Male
Indonesians, Iranians, and Palestinian Arabs coveted
virginity the most, while men in the Netherlands and
Scandinavia valued it the least.
Another cross-cultural study
found that infidelity was the
most prevalent cause of divorce, but a wife's affair was
much more likely to end her marriage than a husband's, the
scientists reported. Females said they would be more upset
by a partner who "fell in love and became emotionally
committed to someone else" rather than one who had a casual
As a sexual strategy, females
often chose mates who offer
either physical or economic protection, and who will commit
resources to the family, Buss said. Even height can be a
factor. Studies of singles ads show that if males say they
are taller, 6-foot-1 or more, they receive more responses
Short-term mating strategies
among females are mostly
experimental, the researchers reported. "A (single) woman
may seek short-term mates both to clarify what her desires
are and to assess how desirable she is," Buss said. When
married women have affairs, they may be "casting about to
see what their value is, and to determine if they can get
out of their current relationship."
By suggesting that love is not
really blind, Buss also
discovered that frustration might be biologically inherent
in relationships. "I think evolution has played a dirty
trick on us by creating desires that can never really be
fulfilled," he said.
Subj: Dictionary Of Dating (S320)
From: JokesUncut on 3/12/2003
ATTRACTION: The act of
associating horniness with a
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy
through such tactics
as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm,
using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending
time around children.
DATING: The process of
spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person
whom you don't especially like in the present and will
learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe
a woman who has the morals
of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized
by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the
fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the
opposite sex in your
acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
with him/her totally unappealing.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman
who wants to have
sex less often than he does, or who requires more
foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's
feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What
the endearing little qualities
that initially attract two people to each other turn
into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How
attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What
occurs when two extremely
horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
NAG - a man's term for a woman
who wants more to her
life with him than just intercourse.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term
for a woman who wants to
do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which
it is almost impossible
to fall in love.
Subj: Quotes On Dating
When you learn to distinguish
between the container and the
contents, you will have attained wisdom. Idries Shah
My feeling about technique in
art is that it has about the
same value as technique in lovemaking. Heartfelt ineptitude
has its appeal and so does heartless skill; but what you
want is passionate virtuosity. -- John Barth
Among men, sex sometimes leads
to intimacy; among women
intimacy sometimes leads to sex. -- D. Symons
by tentative, ambivalent
behavior involving fear, aggression, and sexual attraction.
The nervousness and hesitancy is slowly reduced if the
mutual sexual signals are strong enough. -- Desmond Morris
Garfield Comic Strip (S841d)
By Jim Davis
From: WashingtonPost.com on 2/16/2013
In this Garfield comic strip,
Jon and Liz discuss what
the future holds. Click 'Here' to see this comic strip.
............................Smiley gives flowers from Smiley_Central