Subj:     Dating3 Jokes
                 (Includes 79 jokes and articles, 03 1029,12,cf,wXT3a4,9)

Dating Evolution
Includes the following:..Al Bundy At The Movies - Video (S1004)
.........................Dating Using Car Terminology (S950)
.........................Louis CK On Dating - Stand-Up Comedy Routine (S907)
.........................Three Roommates Discuss Dates (S280b)
.........................Teddy Bears And Sex (S223, S792)
.........................3 Tidy Up Videos (S550c)
.........................Widow And Widower Goes On Picnic (S267c)
.........................Dating Rituals (S540)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S762)
.........................Asking Your Date To Marry You (S334)
.........................Relationships Before And After (S281b)
.........................Internet Dating - Video (S665b)
.........................Hank Breaks Up With His Fiancee (S267c)
.........................Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes (S257, S457)
.........................Cheap Dating By Cities - Web Page (S848)
.........................The New Math (S310)
.........................Bringing Home The Fiance (S241)
.........................Supporting A Family (S376)
.........................Cathy's Incredible Breasts - Mrs Brown's Boys - Vid (S888)
.........................Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine (S223)
.........................Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home (S149, S758)
.........................Saturday Evening Post Cartoon (S1027)
.........................Maths and Romance (S255b)
                         Short Jokes And One-Liners About Dating
..............................Mother Goose And Grimm (S748)
..............................The 'Here After' Routine (S247)
..............................9 Non Sequitur Comic Strips (S677)
..............................Asking 'If I Am The First' (S403)
..............................Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S671b)
..............................Having Two Boyfriends (S412)
..............................After The Perfect Date (S477b)
..............................Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England (S281b)
..............................Food And The Sex Drive (S14)

Subj:     Al Bundy At The Movies (S1004)
          From: Michael Lagrimas on Facebook on 3/17/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/RfC0Rr3mhZU
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute 'Married with Children' skit.
Subj:     Dating Using Car Terminology (S950)
          From: tom on 3/30/2015

 The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my
 boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
 "He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
 and a fantastic bumper."

 Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens
 your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick."
 "I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will
 pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

Subj:     Louis CK On Dating - Comedy Routine (S907d)
          Published by Bart Tricas
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/UTULoJlD_V4

 I often forget how intimidating the dating process
 might be for a woman, and this video is a hilarious,
 much needed reminder.  Bravo to the ladies who give
 us a shot.  This is part of Louis CK's performance
 in Phoenix AZ on February 2013.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this very funny stand-up routine.

Subj:     Three Roommates Discuss Dates (S280b)
          From: dogbyte on 6/8/2002

 These three women were roommates.  One night they all had all
 gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

 The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when
 you come home with your hair all messed up."

 The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
 when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

 The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
 her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

 "Now THAT'S a good date!"

Subj:     Teddy Bears And Sex (S223, S792)
          From: rfslick on 2/2/2009
      and From: AFine963 on 3/12/2012

 A woman meets a man in a bar.  They talk; they connect; they
 end up leaving together..  They get back to his place.  As
 he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall
 of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
 teddy bears.

 There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
 hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in
 rows, covering the entire wall!  It was obvious that he had
 taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was
 immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
 organizing the display.  There were small bears all along
 the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of
 the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the
 way along the top shelf.

 She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have
 such a large collection of teddy bears.  She is quite
 impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this
 to him.

 They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
 awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! maybe, this
 guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father
 of my children?'

 She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.  He
 responds warmly.  They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
 and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her
 into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes
 and make hot, steamy love.

 She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
 more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
 sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

 The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
 'Well, how was it?'

 The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
 into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the
 middle shelf.'

Subj:     3 Tidy Up Videos (S550c,d in Head-Supp)
          From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/v/sh4Vk9SZYFA
 (Also see 'Tidy Up - Three IKEA Ads' in Headlines-Supp)

 These three, short videos from Ikea advocate cleaning and
 organizing your home.  You can view them by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Widow And Widower Goes On Picnic (S267c)
          From: thebartend on 3/15/2002

 Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely,
 and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris,
 the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

 Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very
 secluded spot.  Morris also had been widowed for a long
 time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and
 despite her resistance at first to his advances, he
 finally was able to make love to her.

 Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and
 sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing
 in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

 Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

 Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to
 do it again, aren't you?"

Subj:     Dating Rituals (S540)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/1/2007


 First date:You get to kiss her goodnight.
 Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
 Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the
      missionary position.


 First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


 First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive
 Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
      spaghetti and meatballs.
 Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and
      insists on a 3-carat ring.
 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and
      hate the thought of having sex.
 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


 First Date: You get dynamite head.
 Second Date: You get more great head.
 Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never
      get head again.


 First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner,
      but nothing happens.
 Second date:You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
      Nothing happens again.
 Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
      you already realized nothing is going to happen.


 First date: Meet her parents.
 Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
 Third date: Wedding night.


 First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
 Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a
      real expensive dinner.
 Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
 Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


 First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk
      on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
 Second Date: She's pregnant.
 Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother,
      father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her
      brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her
      father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
      her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move
      in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
      of your life in your home that used to be nice,
      but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.



Subj:     Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S762)
          By Stephan Pastis on 8/19/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2011/08/19
Subj:     Asking Your Date To Marry You (S334)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003

 For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long
 last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the
 momentous question.

 "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
 Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
 companionship of another being, a being who will regard one
 as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute
 own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who
 will share one's joys and sorrows."

 To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's
 eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a
 wonderful idea!

 Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

Subj:     Relationships Before And After (S281b)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 9/22/2000

 Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and
 you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a
 gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet
 and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a
 fine port.

 After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms
 while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your
 nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly
 quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does
 have a great ass.  Here are the key indicators of when the
 honeymoon period has finished.

 1. Addictions
 Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold
 beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken
 recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

 After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto,
 dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in
 your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just
 being you.

 2. Bodily functions
 Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side
 of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her

 After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious
 pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
 speculating on the resultant odor.  Despite repeated pleas
 to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under
 the covers. You think it's hilarious.

 3. Relations/Friends
 Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively
 personality and interesting views about politics, and her
 unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming
 supportive friend who you think is really nice.

 After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass
 with all the personality of a cold sore.  Amanda is a
 manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if
 the opportunity arose.

 4. Sex
 Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts
 for hours.  You screw to impress, using all your tricks -
 your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and
 jackhammer-like screwing.  Screwing four times a day is
 not uncommon.

 After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex.
 When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

 5. Attention span
 Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her
 anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding.  Over
 candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and
 politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

 After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions
 anything that doesn't involve you.  What's more, you
 develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on
 the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase,
 "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
 Overall Evaluation

 6. What She Thinks
 Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual
 athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all
 crass male habits which have plagued her previous
 relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.

 After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!

Subj:     Internet Dating (S665b,d) 
          From: sfo_pilot on 10/5/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/c-5dEC64SMc

 This short, dirty video about the dangers of internet
 dating is cute.  Click 'HERE' to see it.

Subj:     Hank Breaks Up With His Fiancee (S267c)
          From: dogbyte on 3/6/2002

 Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he
 had to break off their engagement so that he could marry
 another woman.

 "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

 "Not on her best day." Hank replied.

 "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

 "No, she's broke."

 "Well then, is it sex?"

 "Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

 "Then what is it??  What can she do for you that I can't?"

 "She can sue me for child support!"

Subj:     Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes (S257, S457)
          From: thebartend on 12/31/2001

 Manny was almost 29 years old.  Most of his friends had
 already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one
 relationship to the next.

 Finally a friend asked him,  "What's the matter, are you
 looking for the perfect woman?  Are you THAT particular?
 Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

 "No," Manny replied.  "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as
 soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother
 doesn't like them.  So I keep on looking!"

 "Listen," his friend suggested,  "Why don't you find a
 girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

 Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together
 again.  "So Manny.  Did you find the perfect girl yet.
 One that's just like your Mother?"

 Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like
 Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

 "Excellent!!!  So,....  Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

 "I'm afraid not.  My Father can't stand her!"

Subj:     Cheap Dating By Cities (S848d)
          From: AFine963 on 4/10/2013
 Source: http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-04-08/

 As part of its semi-annual update on "mapping the world's
 prices", Deutsche Bank has released the index of the cost
 of dating in cities throughout the world.  Using a price
 parity calculation, DB has created the "cheap date" index
 which consists of i) a standard bouquet of roses, ii) cab
 rides, iii) pizza, iv) a soft drink, v) two movies tickets
 and vi) a couple of beers.  Click 'HERE' to see the
 disparity between the most expensive (Sydney, Australia)
 and least expensive (Mumbai, India) place.

Subj:     The New Math (S310)
          From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003

 Same as 'Math and Romance' above, but is a cute web page

 (Removed from laurasmidiheaven.com)

Subj:     Bringing Home The Fiance (S241)
          From: flovilla on 9/8/2001

 A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents.
 After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about
 the young man.  The father invited the fiance to his study
 for a talk.

 "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

 "I am a bibical scholar," he replied.

 "A Biblical scholar.  Hmmm," the father said.  "Admirable,
 but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
 daughter to live in?"

 "I will study, " the young man replied, "and God will
 provide for us."

 "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
 such as she deserves?" asked the father.

 "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied,
 "God will provide for us."

 "And children?" asked the father.  "How will you support

 "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.

 The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the
 father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God
 would provide.

 Later, the girl's mother asked her husband, "How did it
 go, Honey?"

 The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he
 thinks I'm God."

Subj:     Supporting A Family (S376)
          From: gheckman on 4/8/2004

 The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you
 support a family?"

 The surprised groom-to-be- replied, "Well, no. I just planned
 to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have to fend
 for yourselves."

Subj:     Cathy's Incredible Breasts - Mrs Brown's Boys
          Posted by BBC on 1/4/2013 (S888d)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/wW8yXL6Ttgo

 Cathy is in the mood for romance.  Unfortunately her
 new inflatable garment isn't performing as expected.
 Click 'HERE' to see this very funny clip from BBC
 One's Mrs Brown's Boys.

Subj:     Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine (S223)
          From: thebartend on 5/7/2001

 A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting
 at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at
 a table nearby....all alone.  He calls the waiter over and
 asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over
 to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

 The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the
 girl, saying this from the gentleman.  She looks at the wine
 and decides to send a note over to the man.  The note read:
 "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
 in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches
 in your pants."

 The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back
 to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a
 Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my
 garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank.
 But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off
 three inches.  Just send the bottle back."

Subj:     Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home (S149, S758)
          From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999
      and From: lubin100 on 7/19/2011
 (See 'The New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle' in Preacher)

 John invited his mother over for dinner.  During the course
 of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful
 John's roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of a rela-
 tionship between John and his roommate, and this had only made
 her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while
 watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was
 more between John and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading
 his mother's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must
 be thinking but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates".

 About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "ever since your
 Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
 silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose that your mother took it
 do you?".

 John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her a letter just to
 be sure."  So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother: I'm not
 saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house.  I'm
 not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.  But the
 fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here
 for dinner."

 Several days later, John received a letter from his mother
 which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
 Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
 But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed,
 she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

 Love, Mom

 Lesson of the day..... Don't lie to your Mom

Subj:     Saturday Evening Post Cartoon (S1027)
          From: Fred's mother on 9/15/2016
Subj:     Maths and Romance (S255b)
          From: gheckman on 12/6/2001

 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 A successful man is one who makes more money than
    his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
    love him a little.
 To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
    not try to understand her at all.

 Married men live longer than single men, but married men
    are a lot more willing to die.

 Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
    in two people remembering the same thing.

 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
    but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
    and she does.

 A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man
    says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
    before marriage and after marriage.

 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
    the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."  They
    stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at

Subj:    Short Jokes And One-Liners About Dating

Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm (S748)
          By Mike Peters on 5/16/2011
Drawing from Mother Goose-Grim Comics Page
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
 Click 'HERE' to see this set of cute comic strips about
 dating a pinata.

Subj:     The 'Here After' Routine (S247)
          From: dogbyte on 10/20/2001
 Fred's convertible glided to a halt
 on the edge of a lonely country road.

 "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date,
 "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

 "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the
 'here after' routine."

 "The 'here after' routine-----what's that?",
 she wanted to know.

 "If you're not here after what I'm here after,
 you'll be here after I'm gone!"

Subj:     9 Non Sequitur Comic Strips (S677)
          By Wiley Miller on 1/6/2010
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2009/12/31
 Click 'HERE' to see Non Sequitur nine comic strips on
 dating and picking a spouse in this modern world.

Subj:     Asking 'If I Am The First' (S403)
          From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
 The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the
 waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal
 in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.  One ardent
 couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
 "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"  Her
 tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.
 "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too.
 I don't know why you men always ask the same old
 ridiculous questions."

Subj:     Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S671b)
          By Jim Unger on 11/1/2009
..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/herman/
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute, Sunday morning comic strip.

Subj:     Having Two Boyfriends (S412)
          From: JokesUncut on 12/17/2004
 "I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty
 told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just
 fabulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate."

 What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?"

 "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight."

Subj:     After The Perfect Date (S477b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/2/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can see this cute, off-color cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England (S281b)
          From: jerry on 6/19/2002
 Thousands of UK men are getting the brush-off when women
 they are interested in hand them their phone number as
 01279 633 452 which when called tells the hapless Romeos,
 "The person you are calling was obviously not interested.
 For advice on personal hygiene, improving your dress sense
 or better ways of approaching females, please hold."

 Then the message continues, "I'm sorry, all our operators
 are busy washing their hair."

 UK Sunday People 12-May-02

Subj:     Food And The Sex Drive (S14)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-08
 A recently completed scientific study has shown
 conclusive evidence that links the eating of certain
 foods with reduced sex drive in women.  The food at
 the top of the list was wedding cake.

 If you're single, there's a 2 in 3 chance you did this
 the last time you were with your significant other.

 Surveys reveal that girls do this for the first time in
 their back yard.  First kiss.

 If you want to know why they are called the 'opposite sex',
 express an opinion!

 Our lips touched....
 Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

 We spent most of the night together and I felt sad to go.
 I said goodbye for the 50th time and slowly walked outside
 to get in my car and go home, this is when I found out
 that my car had been towed.

 I ran my fingers slowly down the crack of her ass.  She
 shuddered and then said angrily, "Don't you dare touch MY
 donkey again!"

 I chased her up the tree, and kissed her between the limbs.

 The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish
 in the sea.  But who wants to go out with a fish?

 The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary
 insanity curable by marriage.

 The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso
 another woman.

 Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another
 person's mind at a cocktail party.

 The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad
 habits is to move in with your lover.

 The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes
 results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and
 end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often
 results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and
 end up finding only sex.

 The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

 The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.

 Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.

 The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days
 each month, unless they're single.

 The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the
 bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen
 asleep by the time you're ready.

 HE:  I feel like I've known you for years.
 SHE: Yes, you certainly do.

From LAWS file
 A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors
 should be called master, not mister, when addressed
 by their female counterparts.

 In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden
 from kissing women...

 Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the
 streets of Little Rock, Arkansas may result in a 30 day
 jail term....

 In Dyersburg, Tennessee it is illegal for a woman to
 call a man for a date...

From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
 A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise
    this is only a formality, but would you mind me
    marrying your daughter?"
 "Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
 "Her obstetrician" replied the young man.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
 From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was
 intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive
 and ego-ridden to realize it.  The moment of truth came
 in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
 whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad
 so I can slip you nine inches?"
 There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three
 times in a row."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
 The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10
 See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
 Save Your Breath...
 You'll need it to blow up your date!

From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
 "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2001 (233b)
 "You know, when you get back together with an old boyfriend,
 it's pathetic.  It's like having a garage sale and buying
 your own stuff back."  -- Laura Kightlinger

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/31/2001 (S235)
 "I was dating this girl for two years--and right away the
 nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"  -- Mike Binder

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/5/2001 (S237)
 "I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
    -- Wendy Liebman

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/13/2001 (S237)
 "When I am not in a relationship, I shave one leg so when I
 sleep, it feels like I am with a woman."  -- Garry Shandling

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
 entire relationships.  -- Sharon Stone

 Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake
 that, you're in.  -- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"

From: dogbyte on 2/5/2003 (S314b)
 Don't try to pick up a woman at the laundromat.
 If she can't afford her own washing machine,
 then she will never be able to support you!

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2004 (S406b)
 Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
 tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

From: igiggle on 1/23/2006 (S471c)
 Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do
 again if you get married.  The fun stops with marriage
 because you're trying to save money for when you split
 up your property.

 Q: What's the definition of eternity?
 A: The length of time between when you come and she leaves.

 Q: Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
 A: You have to dodge a lot of bull.

 Q: What is the difference between a singles bar and a circus?
 A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

 Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
 A: Same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
    intention of driving.

Bawdy.Net Collage #178
 Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
 A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

From: dscott on 97-07-24
 Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
 A: 45 lbs.

 Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
 A: 45 minutes

From: dscott on 97-07-24
 Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
 A: Sexual harassment.

 Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
 A: $3.99 a minute.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 (S587b)
 Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
 A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

                           -(o o)-
...........................From Smiley_Central