Subj: Dating3 Jokes
(Includes 78 jokes and articles, 08 1004,11,cf,wXT3,9)
Subj: Al Bundy At The Movies (S1004)
From: Michael Lagrimas on Facebook on 3/17/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute 'Married with Children' skit.
Subj: Dating Using Car Terminology (S950)
From: tom on 3/30/2015
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad
there is something that my
boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens
your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick."
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will
pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
Louis CK On Dating - Comedy Routine (S907d)
Published by Bart Tricas
Photo from YouTube.com
I often forget how intimidating
the dating process
might be for a woman, and this video is a hilarious,
much needed reminder. Bravo to the ladies who give
us a shot. This is part of Louis CK's performance
in Phoenix AZ on February 2013. Click 'HERE' to see
this very funny stand-up routine.
Subj: Three Roommates Discuss Dates (S280b)
From: dogbyte on 6/8/2002
These three women were roommates.
One night they all had all
gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know
you've been on a good date when
you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you
know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but
reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
"Now THAT'S a good date!"
Subj: Teddy Bears And Sex (S223, S792)
From: rfslick on 2/2/2009
and From: AFine963 on 3/12/2012
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they
end up leaving together.. They get back to his place. As
he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall
of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in
rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had
taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was
immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of
the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the
way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously
masculine guy to have
such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite
impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! maybe, this
guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father
of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He
responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her
into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes
and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek, looks deeply
into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the
3 Tidy Up Videos (S550c,d in Head-Supp)
From: AFine963 on 7/28/2007
These three, short videos from
Ikea advocate cleaning and
organizing your home. You can view them by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Widow And Widower Goes On Picnic (S267c)
From: thebartend on 3/15/2002
Sadie had been widowed for a
few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris,
the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Morris picked up her and they
went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long
time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and
despite her resistance at first to his advances, he
finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack
of self control and
sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing
in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said,
"...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"
Subj: Dating Rituals (S540)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/1/2007
First date:You get to kiss her
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the
First Date: You both get blind
drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
First Date: You take her to a
play and an expensive
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and
insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and
hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
First Date: You get dynamite
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never
get head again.
First date: You get to buy her
an expensive dinner,
but nothing happens.
Second date:You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
you already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
First Date: You get to buy her
a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a
real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
First Date: You buy her an expensive
dinner, get drunk
on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother,
father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her
brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her
father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move
in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of your life in your home that used to be nice,
but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
Subj: Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S762)
By Stephan Pastis on 8/19/2011
Subj: Asking Your Date To Marry You (S334)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003
For months Bill had been Lynn's
devoted admirer. At long
last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the
"There are quite a lot of advantages
to being a bachelor,"
Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being, a being who will regard one
as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute
own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who
will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic
gleam in Lynn's
eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Subj: Relationships Before And After (S281b)
From: twistedhumor.com on 9/22/2000
Before she moves in, she wears
teddies and suspenders, and
you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a
gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet
and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a
After she moves in, she farts
in her grungy trackie bottoms
while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your
nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly
quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does
have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the
honeymoon period has finished.
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold
beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken
recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in
a row you stagger in blotto,
dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in
your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side
of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her
After: You fart in front of her
with impunity and obvious
pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas
to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under
the covers. You think it's hilarious.
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively
personality and interesting views about politics, and her
unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming
supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed,
with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if
the opportunity arose.
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts
for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks -
your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and
jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is
After: A wank is often preferable
to the effort of sex.
When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her
anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over
candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and
politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as
soon as she mentions
anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you
develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on
the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase,
"Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual
athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all
crass male habits which have plagued her previous
relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!
Internet Dating (S665b,d)
From: sfo_pilot on 10/5/2009
This short, dirty video about
the dangers of internet
dating is cute. Click 'HERE' to see it.
Subj: Hank Breaks Up With His Fiancee (S267c)
From: dogbyte on 3/6/2002
Hank finally found the nerve
to tell his fiancee that he
had to break off their engagement so that he could marry
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.
"Not on her best day." Hank replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke."
"Well then, is it sex?"
"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"
"She can sue me for child support!"
Subj: Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes (S257, S457)
From: thebartend on 12/31/2001
Manny was almost 29 years old.
Most of his friends had
already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one
relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him,
"What's the matter, are you
looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular?
Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I
meet a lot of nice girls, but as
soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother
doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested,
"Why don't you find a
girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny
and his friend got together
again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet.
One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders,
"Yes I found one just like
Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Subj: Maths and Romance (S255b)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man
says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
Cheap Dating By Cities (S848d)
From: AFine963 on 4/10/2013
As part of its semi-annual update
on "mapping the world's
prices", Deutsche Bank has released the index of the cost
of dating in cities throughout the world. Using a price
parity calculation, DB has created the "cheap date" index
which consists of i) a standard bouquet of roses, ii) cab
rides, iii) pizza, iv) a soft drink, v) two movies tickets
and vi) a couple of beers. Click 'HERE' to see the
disparity between the most expensive (Sydney, Australia)
and least expensive (Mumbai, India) place.
Subj: The New Math (S310)
From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003
Same as 'Math and Romance' above, but is a cute web page
(Removed from laurasmidiheaven.com)
Subj: Bringing Home The Fiance (S241)
From: flovilla on 9/8/2001
A young woman brought her fiance
home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about
the young man. The father invited the fiance to his study
for a talk.
"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a bibical scholar," he replied.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,"
the father said. "Admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in?"
"I will study, " the young man
replied, "and God will
provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies,"
the young man replied,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father.
"How will you support
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like
this, and each time the
father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God
Later, the girl's mother asked
her husband, "How did it
The father answered, "He has
no job and no plans, and he
thinks I'm God."
Subj: Supporting A Family (S376)
From: gheckman on 4/8/2004
The prospective father-in-law
asked, "Young man, can you
support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be- replied,
"Well, no. I just planned
to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend
Cathy's Incredible Breasts - Mrs Brown's Boys
Posted by BBC on 1/4/2013 (S888d)
Photo from YouTube.com
Cathy is in the mood for romance.
new inflatable garment isn't performing as expected.
Click 'HERE' to see this very funny clip from BBC
One's Mrs Brown's Boys.
Subj: Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine (S223)
From: thebartend on 5/7/2001
A man enters his favorite ritzy
restaurant and while sitting
at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at
a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and
asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over
to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and
quickly sends it over to the
girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine
and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches
in your pants."
The man, after reading the note,
sends one of his own back
to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my
garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Subj: Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home (S149, S758)
From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999
and From: lubin100 on 7/19/2011
(See 'The New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle' in Preacher)
John invited his mother over
for dinner. During the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a rela-
tionship between John and his roommate, and this had only made
her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was
more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading
his mother's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates".
About a week later, Julie came
to John saying, "ever since your
Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose that your mother took it
John said, "Well I doubt it,
but I'll send her a letter just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother: I'm not
saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house. I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here
Several days later, John received
a letter from his mother
which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the day..... Don't lie to your Mom
Subj: Short Jokes And One-Liners About Dating
Mother Goose And Grimm (S748)
By Mike Peters on 5/16/2011
Drawing from Mother Goose-Grim Comics Page
Subj: The 'Here After' Routine (S247)
From: dogbyte on 10/20/2001
Fred's convertible glided to a halt
on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty
but reluctant date,
"you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to
'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's
she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what
I'm here after,
you'll be here after I'm gone!"
9 Non Sequitur Comic Strips (S677)
By Wiley Miller on 1/6/2010
Subj: Asking 'If I Am The First' (S403)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the
waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal
in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent
couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?" Her
tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too.
I don't know why you men always ask the same old
Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S671b)
By Jim Unger on 11/1/2009
Subj: Having Two Boyfriends (S412)
From: JokesUncut on 12/17/2004
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty
told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just
fabulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate."
What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?"
"Oh," Betty replied, "the second
one is straight."
After The Perfect Date (S477b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/2/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England (S281b)
From: jerry on 6/19/2002
Thousands of UK men are getting the brush-off when women
they are interested in hand them their phone number as
01279 633 452 which when called tells the hapless Romeos,
"The person you are calling was obviously not interested.
For advice on personal hygiene, improving your dress sense
or better ways of approaching females, please hold."
Then the message continues, "I'm
sorry, all our operators
are busy washing their hair."
UK Sunday People 12-May-02
Subj: Food And The Sex Drive (S14)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-08
A recently completed scientific study has shown
conclusive evidence that links the eating of certain
foods with reduced sex drive in women. The food at
the top of the list was wedding cake.
If you're single, there's a 2
in 3 chance you did this
the last time you were with your significant other.
Surveys reveal that girls do
this for the first time in
their back yard. First kiss.
If you want to know why they
are called the 'opposite sex',
express an opinion!
Our lips touched....
Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
We spent most of the night together
and I felt sad to go.
I said goodbye for the 50th time and slowly walked outside
to get in my car and go home, this is when I found out
that my car had been towed.
I ran my fingers slowly down
the crack of her ass. She
shuddered and then said angrily, "Don't you dare touch MY
I chased her up the tree, and kissed her between the limbs.
The Fishing Forecast: They say
there are lots of good fish
in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis:
Love is a form of temporary
insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough
rope and he'll lasso
Mind Over Matter: No one ever
falls in love with another
person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster
way to discover all your bad
habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's
desire for sex sometimes
results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and
end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often
results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and
end up finding only sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are
only fertile a few days
each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament:
The longer you spend in the
bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen
asleep by the time you're ready.
HE: I feel like I've known
you for years.
SHE: Yes, you certainly do.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors
should be called master, not mister, when addressed
by their female counterparts.
In Eureka, Nevada men who wear
moustaches are forbidden
from kissing women...
Flirtation between the members
of the opposite sex on the
streets of Little Rock, Arkansas may result in a 30 day
In Dyersburg, Tennessee it is
illegal for a woman to
call a man for a date...
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise
this is only a formality, but would you mind me
marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician" replied the young man.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was
intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive
and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came
in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad
so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three
times in a row."
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!
From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2001
"You know, when you get back together with an old boyfriend,
it's pathetic. It's like having a garage sale and buying
your own stuff back." -- Laura Kightlinger
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/31/2001
"I was dating this girl for two years--and right away the
nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'" -- Mike Binder
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/5/2001 (S237)
"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
-- Wendy Liebman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/13/2001
"When I am not in a relationship, I shave one leg so when I
sleep, it feels like I am with a woman." -- Garry Shandling
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
entire relationships. -- Sharon Stone
Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in. -- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
From: dogbyte on 2/5/2003 (S314b)
Don't try to pick up a woman at the laundromat.
If she can't afford her own washing machine,
then she will never be able to support you!
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2004
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
From: igiggle on 1/23/2006 (S471c)
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do
again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage
because you're trying to save money for when you split
up your property.
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: The length of time between when you come and she leaves.
Q: Why is going to a singles
bar like being a matador?
A: You have to dodge a lot of bull.
Q: What is the difference between
a singles bar and a circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q: What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
A: Same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks
nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 (S587b)
Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.