Subj:     Differences2 between Men And Women
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 20 1045n,6,cf,wXT5a,2)

Old Couple and the Kama Sutra
Free Animated Pics
Includes the following:  Pardon My Planet - Cartoon (DU)
.........................Pockets (S30, S679b)
.........................Man And Woman Discover (S506)
.........................Men & Women Are Born This Way - Video (S682b)
.........................Geography Of A Woman/Man (S280b, S713)
.........................Tale of Two Brains - Video (S578)
.........................Girl's/Boy's Prayers (S280, S497b)
.........................What Men Want And What Women Want (S76, DU)
.........................What Men And Women Want - 2 Drawings (S453b)
.........................How Men And Women Shower (S136, S405b)
.........................Ten Things Women Will Never Understand (S52, DU)
.........................She/He Definitions (S149, S553c)
.........................How To Break Up With A Woman (DU)
.........................Flight Deck Cartoon (S627b)
.........................Haircuts - The Difference Between Men And Women (26, DU)
.........................Who Enjoys Sex More? (S679)
.........................Hormonal Hearing
.........................Stages Of Life (S288)
.........................Einstein And Women - Cartoon By Higgins

Subj:     Pardon My Planet (DU)
          by Vic Lee on 9/17/2014
 Source: https://onthenorthriver.com/2015/
Subj:     Pockets (S30, S679b)
          From: HA: Humor Archive

 Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to
 get ready for church.  Since I had him trapped, I decided it
 was time to discuss some of the 'Facts of Life' with him:

 Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with
 one of the "Important Secrets of Manhood."  You must never
 tell this secret to any women or girls.


 You have probably noticed that most things are run by men.
 The boss is usually a man.  Men usually get paid more than
 women.  HOWEVER, there isn't all that much difference between
 men and women.

 'But what about...'

 OH that.  That isn't all that important.  Are you any smarter
 than the girls your age?


 And I am not any smarter than the women my age.  And you know
 your mother could probably whip me in a fair fight.  So, why
 do you suppose that men are usually in charge?


 It is because we don't play fair.  We cheat.  We men have lots
 of little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win.
 And I am about to tell you one of the most important!




 It is true!  Long ago, we men managed to convince the women
 that they would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than
 wear clothing that worked right.  And then we convinced the
 women that pockets were ugly.  So, now, most women's clothes
 don't have pockets.


 Well, check for yourself.  How many pockets do you have?


 How many pockets in your sisters dress?


 How many pockets in my suit?


 How many pockets in your mothers dress?


 If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important
 things.  Important things like money, or keys, or tools.  Men
 get to be in charge because they can get things done, while
 the women are still asking to borrow somebody's keys.

 Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that
 don't work right, then people will think you are useless.
 They might even call you one of those nasty names that mean
 useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!

 'What is taking you two so long?  Are you ready?'


 My that dress looks nice.  May I zip it up for you?

Subj:     Man And Woman Discover (S506)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/5/2006

 Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
 Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

 Man discovered colors, invented painting.
 Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

 Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
 Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

 Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
 Woman discovered food, invented diet.

 Man discovered friendship, invented love.
 Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

 Man discovered woman, invented sex.
 Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

 Man discovered trade, invented money.
 Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess
    after that.

Subj:     Men & Women Are Born This Way
          From: tom on 2/6/2010 (S682b,d)
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/rdoGUtWGgtE

 Are men and women really born this way??  The first video
 is of a baby girl and the second video is of a baby boy.
 Click 'HERE' to see these two, very funny, silly video.

Subj:     Geography Of A Woman/Man (S280b, S713)
          From: ICohen on 6/10/2002
      and From: jcary on 9/12/2010

 The Geography Of A Woman

 Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
 half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

 Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed
 and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

 Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed
 and convinced of her own beauty.

 Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging
 but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
 haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

 Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
 borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
 glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

 After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows
 where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 The Geography Of A Man

 Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

Subj:     Tale of Two Brains (S578d)
          By Mark Gungor
          From: gordonschuk on 1/29/2008
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/7nupTT5j8Jk

 Laugh your way to a better marriage.  Mark Gungor explains
 the differences between men and women's brains.  You can
 view this video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Girl's/Boy's Prayers (S280, S497b)
          From: KMACINTY on 6/10/2002
      and From: jtgalvan on 7/29/2006

 A Girl's Prayer:

 Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray for a man who's not a creep,

 One who's handsome, smart and strong,
 One who's willy's thick and long.

 One who thinks before he speaks,
 When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

 I pray that he is gainfully employed,
 And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

 Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
 Massages my back and begs to do more.

 Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind,
 Knows what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

 One who'll make love 'till my body's a twitchin,
 In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!

 I pray that this man will love me no end,
 And never attempt to shag my best friend.

 And as I kneel to pray beside my bed,
 I look at the shmuck you sent me instead.

 A Boy's Prayer:

 Lord, I pray for a woman with big tits.

Subj:     What Men Want And What Women Want (S76, DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
      and From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-16


 I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom,
 Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley
 Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha
 Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're
 sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home
 with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of
 Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of
 Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith,
 because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.  So
 if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality?  Well,
 first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly
 away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep
 breath.  You must clear your head of bullshit articles like
 "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me?  How
 about asking me?  And then I'll be able to tell you I don't
 have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!  All right, I'm
 not supposed to do this.  I'm not supposed to reveal the
 master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here
 goes: Here's what men want from women.  One through Ten:

 ONE  - We want you to understand that we don't give a shit
    about clothes, all right?  Yours OR ours.  All we need
    is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes.
    That's it.

 TWO  - Don't talk to us while the television is on, all
    right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk.
    Television is on, we don't talk.

 THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want
    to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody
    the finger and expect me to defend your honor when
    Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks,
    all right?

 FOUR - Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me
    for the fifty-seventh time?

 FIVE - Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset
    and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning
    me up the ass."

 SIX  - You go see Nell by yourself, all right?  I met
    enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single.

 SEVEN- Have a sense of humor.  Without a sense of humor, a
    relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black
    Panther meeting.

 EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex.
    Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup
    of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean
    consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up
    in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars- Sinai, all right?

 NINE - Don't ask us to cry.  As much as you say you want us
    to cry, you don't really want us to cry.  You hate it when
    we cry.  I've tried crying in front of my wife.  She
    enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started
    thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"

 TEN  - Be patient.  Hold us.  Love us unconditionally.  Help
    us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and
    lead us into the light.  Or if that's asking too much,
    how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?


 Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....
 some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of
 zeros from a man.  Let's see, the myth is that women want
 Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad
 Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt
 when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of
 Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice
 of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two
 bottles of NyQuil.  Another myth is that a woman must be
 married by a certain age or she'll never find stability.
 Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for
 stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis,
 all right?  And yet a third myth is that men think that
 women like guys who are dangerous.  As a result, guys will
 often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle
 without a helmet.  Women don't like guys who are dangerous.
 Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill
 us.  Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on
 women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this
 is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

 ONE  - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

 TWO  - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try
    to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

 THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity
    and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some
    decent affordable child care.  That way, maybe poor single
    mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't
    have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering
    about orphanages.

 FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work,
    guys.  Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the
    cubicle next to you.  You could kill Carl, couldn't you,
    because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot.  Now
    imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.  Hellooo....

 FIVE - This is very important:  During lovemaking: Don't ask,
    "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke.  All right?  It's not

 SIX  - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be
    coming out.  Words are kind of important.

 SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-
    hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

 EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now,
    Clouseau, you should know if she came.

 NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to
    ask for directions.

 TEN  - When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your
    dick in your sleep, take it like a man.  So, guys, at the
    end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
    treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a
    genuine effort at understanding who they really are.  Or
    if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the
    size of your head?

Subj:     What Men And Women Want (S453b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/19/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)

Subj:     How Men And Women Shower (S136, S405b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 9/3/99
      and From: hellgunner50 on 10/20/2004

 How To Shower Like A Woman

  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
     hamper according to lights and darks.

  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you
     see your boyfriend or husband along the way, cover up
     any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick
     out your gut so that you can complain and whine even
     more about how you're getting fat.

  4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
     legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
     with 83 added vitamins

  6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
     with 83 added vitamins.

  7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
     conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.  Leave
     on hair for fifteen minutes.

  8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
     ten minutes until red raw.

  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
     Cake body wash.

 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
     fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all
     come off).

 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area
     but decide to get it waxed instead.

 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the
     toilet and you lose the water pressure.

 13. Turn off shower.

 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold
     spots with Tilex.

 15. Get out of shower.  Dry with towel the size of a
     small African country.  Wrap hair in super absorbent
     second towel.

 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
     Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
     on head.

 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover
     up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend
     an hour and a half getting dressed.

 How To Shower Like A Man

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
     and leave them in a pile.

  2. Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see your girlfriend/
     wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
     your gut to see if you have pecs (no).  Admire the size
     of your penis in the mirror, scratch your balls and
     smell your fingers for one last whiff.

  4. Get in the shower.

  5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't
     use one)

  6. Wash your face

  7. Wash your armpits

  8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

  9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself
     in the mirror.

 14. Pee (in the shower)

 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower.  Fail to notice
     water on the floor because you left the curtain hang
     out of the tub the whole time.

 16. Partial dry off.

 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.  Admire
     dick size.

 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
     If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel,
     grab your penis, go "Yeahbaby" and thrust your pelvis
     at her.

 21. Throw wet towel on the bed.  Take 2 minutes to
     get dressed

Subj:     Ten Things Women Will Never Understand (S52, DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98


 Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for
 the best.  Women are better off not knowing that we eat with
 our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their
 nail clippers to trim our nose hair.  Better for them, better
 for us.  Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and
 money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do
 wondering about what makes men tick.  Which is why they'll
 never understand...

 1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive
    version of just about everything.

 Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities
 and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment
 is well-documented.  As marketing targets, men are suckers
 for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength",
 because inside every man is the germ of every profession he
 ever imagined himself one day excelling at.  Most of these
 purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-
 fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone level.  But
 occasionally we go too far.  The guy upstairs from me once
 boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with
 "operating theatre-quality air."  I kept him away from my
 surgical-steel steak knives.

 2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

 We've never been trained to do it the right way.  Super-
 markets are like giant booby traps for males -- which is
 why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you
 should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of
 wine, a pair of jeans, and a tree.

 3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.

 Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations
 that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and
 "Where do you see us going?"  A relationship is a delicate
 thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen
 if we start picking it apart.  Often our reticence will
 result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble
 talking about The Relationship.

 4. Why we think we can fix things.

 Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything
 with a little patience.  In reality, we're only half right.
 Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether
 it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it
 down to its most basic components in no time.  Unfortunately,
 this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're
 mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all
 over newspaper on the kitchen table.

 5. Men and video games.

 Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks
 of their lives zapping things off a screen.  When a man
 repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late
 and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-
 eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair
 -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter
 II is making the rounds at the office.

 6. That sometimes we really are ill.

 When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief
 that we are faking it.  This is based on a tired old axiom
 stating that men will never fully understand the agony of
 childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain,
 fear or incapacitation.  For the record, it should be noted
 that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly
 under the weather just from being men.  It's only a mis-
 placed sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every
 day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple
 of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any

 7. The way we watch television.

 Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in.  Once
 we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything,
 including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which
 probably drives you crazy.  Unfortunately for women, men
 cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on
 the remote.

 8. Our sense of humour.

 When women say that what they most want from a man is a
 sense of humour, they tend to mean something different
 from what we mean.  Women never understand the comic
 genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his

 9. Why we're so boring.

 Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty
 obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed
 expertise.  Topics that women only feel the need to
 mention in passing become Test-Match length debates
 among men.  True, some of us are able to combine a
 scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a
 nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents
 for conversations with women.  Between ourselves,
 the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or
 "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring.  Even if your
 local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar
 Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to
 discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

 10. The male menopause.

 Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you
 like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness
 of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse
 for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson
 and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age.
 Like there has to be more to it than that.

Subj:     She/He Definitions (S149, S553c)
          From: agrief on 12/09/1999
      and From: SCOTCOB on 8/20/2007

 Wants and needs (wontz and nedz) n.
 female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
         psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
         in a relationship.
 male:   Food, sex and beer.

 Thingy (thing-ee) n.
 female: Any part under a car's hood.
 male:   The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

 Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
 female: A woman who makes love to other women.
 male:   A woman who has sex with other women so
         men can watch and get really turned on.

 Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
 female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
         to the upper levels in business.
 male:   What would really be great at work since
         that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

 Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
 female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
 male:   Playing ball without a cup.

 Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
 female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
         one's partner.
 male:   Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
         for a weekend with the guys.

 Butt (but) n.
 female: The body part that every item of clothing
         manufactured makes "look bigger."
 male:   The organ of mooning.

 Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
 female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with
        one's girlfriend.

 Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
 female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
 male:   Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

 Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
 female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
 male:   An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
         and male bonding.

 Making love (may-king luv) n.
 female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
 male:   What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

 Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
 female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
 male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
         2 1/2 minutes.

 Taste (tayst) v.
 female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking,
         to make sure it's good.
 male:   Something you must do to anything you think has gone
         bad, prior to tossing it out.

Subj:     How to Break Up with a Woman (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

 Before we get into the "how to" of breaking up with a woman,
 we must first define her.  "Woman" is taken from the composite
 of two root words.  "Wo" from the Old English "Woe," meaning
 deep sorrow, grief, misfortune, and calamity. And "man," as in
 "Man, I'm gonna kill her." The American Heritage Dictionary,
 defines "woman" as: 1. An adult, female human being. 2. Women
 collectively; womankind. 3. Feminine quality or aspect; woman-
 liness. 4. A female servant. 5. A mistress; paramour.

 Okay, stop staring at 4 and 5; it's an old dictionary.  Don't
 get me wrong.  I love women.  Well, it's not so much that I
 love them as that I love the concept of them.  They're good
 on paper.  They don't work so well in practice.  Dr. John
 Grey wrote the best-seller, Men are From Mars, Women are
 from Venus.  His theory is that men and women are inherently
 different and that they need to understand this in order to
 get along.  I'm writing a similar book.  Mine is called,
 "Men are From Mars, Women are from Hell."  It's basically
 the same theory, though I prove that women are actually a
 product of the devil.

              "Love" and Other Four Letter Words

 This is a true story. I had been dating a woman for about
 six months and had carefully avoided using the word "love."
 We both knew it.  One morning, after we had spent a lovely
 weekend getaway at a bed ? breakfast in Northern California,
 I pulled the curtains open to see the most beautiful scenic
 view of the Pacific Ocean on the Carmel coastline.

     "I love a view," I said.
     "I love you too, " she said and rolled over.

 At that moment I knew it was over.

               How do You Know She Loves You?

 Good question. Here are three tell-tale signs you know the
 woman you are dating loves you:

   * You had sex with her.
   * She spends all your time together trying to change you.
   * She doesn't say, "I love you." Women don't say it when
     they do, as frequently as men say it when they don't.

                The Five Stages of Breaking Up

 Rather than doing it in one swift painless blow, I've
 dragged it out into five distinct and unavoidable steps:

1. Contemplation: It usually occurs right after sex. Don't go
   with this immediate urge. Now is not the time.  It's
   chemical. Just roll over and go to sleep like you always

2. Contemplate it some more: Run it by your friends. You
   know... those guys you blew off when you started seeing

3. Joke about it: Make your moments with her uncomfortable
   and pressured.

4. Just do it: (I would explain how, but that is beyond scope
   of this article.) Oh, one way is to get her drunk.  You
   did it when you first slept with her.  Now do it to break
   up with her. Trust me, it's the best way.  Besides, while
   she's drunk, you can sleep with her one last time, but get
   out before she sobers up.  That's how you got into the
   relationship to begin with.

5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped calling her, doesn't
   mean you have to stop seeing her.  Many questions need to
   be answered, like: Who is she going out with now?  Is she
   miserable now that you 're gone? Oh God, she's not fu--ing
   him, is she? This includes calling and hanging up, and
   calling and crying. That is when you say, "I love you."

                Beating Her to the Punch

 There are two ways of beating her to the punch.  The first
 way is to break up with her before she does it to you.  And
 the second way is to literally punch her, because she's pissed.

                Other Ways

 Take her to dinner. Maybe the restaurant where you first took
 her.  This way the thing goes full circle, like a ring.  (Try
 to get that back, too.)  Sit at exactly the same table, order
 the same thing, then ask the waitress out.  It's that simple.
 That's the sensitive way. Sensitivity is very popular lately.
 We no longer end it over the phone or on the answering machine.
 Today we talk it to death, then see each other's therapist.

 There's the, I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating
 approach, which only works if you're dating an idiot.

 And finally, you could write an article about it and have her
 proofread it. That's what I did.

Subj:     Flight Deck Comic Strip (S627b)
          by Peter Waldner
 Source: (Removed from creators.com)
Subj:     Haircuts - The Difference Between Men And Women (26, DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-16

 Women's version:
 Woman2: Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

 Woman1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the
 mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

 Woman2: Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair
 cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty
 much stuck with this stuff I think.

 Woman1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And
 you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would
 look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except
 that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

 Woman2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!
 Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
 for a shoulder line.

 Woman1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to
 have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I
 mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had
 your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

  Men's version:
  Man2:   Haircut?

  Man1:   Yeah.

Subj:     Who Enjoys Sex More? (S679)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-24

 (Also see 'The Ear and Sex' in BODY PARTS file)

 A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an
 argument about who enjoyed sex more.

 The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
 Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

 "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.  "Think
 about this--When your ear itches and you put your little
 finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which
 feels better-your ear or your finger?

Subj:     Hormonal Hearing
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11

 What a woman says:

 "This place is a mess! C'mon,
 You and I need to clean up.
 Your stuff is lying on the floor and
 You'll have no clothes to wear, if we
 Don't do laundry right now!"

 What a man hears:

 blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
 blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
 blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
 blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
 blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Subj:     Stages Of Life (S288)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #278 on 97-12-15


 17     beer
 25     beer
 35     vodka
 48     double vodka
 66     Maalox

 17     My parents are away for the weekend.
 25     My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
 35     My fiancee is away for the weekend.
 48     My wife is away for the weekend.
 66     My wife is dead.

 17     sex
 25     sex
 35     sex
 48     sex
 66     napping

 17     pot
 25     coke
 35     really good coke
 48     power
 66     Ex-lax

 17     "Tongue"
 25     "Breakfast"
 35     "She didn't set back my therapy."
 48     "I didn't have to meet her kids."
 66     "Got home alive."

 17     getting to third
 25     airplane sex
 35     menage a trois
 48     taking the company public
 66     Swiss maid and a Nazi love slave

 17     roaches
 25     stoned-out college roommate
 35     Irish setter
 48     children from first marriage
 66     dust bunnies

 17     25
 25     35
 35     48
 48     66
 66     17

 17     Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
 25     "Split the check before we go back to my place"
 35     Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
 48     "Just come over."
 66     "Just come over and cook."



 17     Wine Coolers
 25     White wine
 35     Red wine
 48     Dom Perignon
 66     Ensure

 17     Need to wash my hair
 25     Need to wash and condition my hair
 35     Need to color my hair
 48     Need to have Francois color my hair
 66     Need to have Francois color my wig

 17     shopping
 25     shopping
 35     shopping
 48     shopping
 66     shopping

 17     shopping
 25     shopping
 35     shopping
 48     shopping
 66     shopping

 17     "Burger King"
 25     "Free meal"
 35     "A diamond"
 48     "A bigger diamond"
 66     "Home Alone"

 17     tall, dark, and handsome
 25     tall, dark, and handsome with money
 35     tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
 48     a man with hair
 66     a man

 17     Muffy the cat
 25     Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
 35     Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
 48     Children from first marriage and Muffy the Cat
 66     Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
        the Cat

 17     17
 25     25
 35     35
 48     48
 66     66

 17     He offers to pay
 25     He pays
 35     He cooks breakfast the next morning
 48     He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
 66     He can chew breakfast

Subj:     Einstein And Women (in Drawings-Math5)
          Cartoon by Higgins
          From: mrx on 8/7/2004
 You can view this cute cartoon about Einstein and women
 by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
..........................From Smiley_Central