Subj: Differences2 between Men And Women
(Includes 22 jokes and articles, 20 1045n,6,cf,wXT5a,2)
Old Couple and the Kama Sutra
Free Animated Pics
Subj: Pardon My Planet (DU)
by Vic Lee on 9/17/2014
Subj: Pockets (S30, S679b)
From: HA: Humor Archive
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting
for my son (7 years old) to
get ready for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it
was time to discuss some of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough
that you can be trusted with
one of the "Important Secrets of Manhood." You must never
tell this secret to any women or girls.
You have probably noticed that
most things are run by men.
The boss is usually a man. Men usually get paid more than
women. HOWEVER, there isn't all that much difference between
men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all
that important. Are you any smarter
than the girls your age?
And I am not any smarter than
the women my age. And you know
your mother could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why
do you suppose that men are usually in charge?
It is because we don't play fair.
We cheat. We men have lots
of little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win.
And I am about to tell you one of the most important!
It is true! Long ago, we
men managed to convince the women
that they would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than
wear clothing that worked right. And then we convinced the
women that pockets were ugly. So, now, most women's clothes
don't have pockets.
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
How many pockets in my suit?
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
If you don't have any pockets,
then you can't carry important
things. Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men
get to be in charge because they can get things done, while
the women are still asking to borrow somebody's keys.
Son, I want you to remember that
if you wear clothes that
don't work right, then people will think you are useless.
They might even call you one of those nasty names that mean
useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
Subj: Man And Woman Discover (S506)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/5/2006
Man discovered weapons, invented
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess
Men & Women Are Born This Way
From: tom on 2/6/2010 (S682b,d)
Are men and women really born
this way?? The first video
is of a baby girl and the second video is of a baby boy.
Click 'HERE' to see these two, very funny, silly video.
Subj: Geography Of A Woman/Man (S280b, S713)
From: ICohen on 6/10/2002
and From: jcary on 9/12/2010
The Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is
like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is
like America, well developed
and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like
India, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is
like France. Gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like
Yugoslavia, lost the war -
haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like
Russia, very wide and
borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is
like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
Tale of Two Brains (S578d)
By Mark Gungor
From: gordonschuk on 1/29/2008
Laugh your way to a better marriage.
Mark Gungor explains
the differences between men and women's brains. You can
view this video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Girl's/Boy's Prayers (S280, S497b)
From: KMACINTY on 6/10/2002
and From: jtgalvan on 7/29/2006
A Girl's Prayer:
Lord, before I lay me down to
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh send me a man who will make
love to my mind,
Knows what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love 'till my
body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love
me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel to pray beside
I look at the shmuck you sent me instead.
A Boy's Prayer:
Lord, I pray for a woman with
Subj: What Men Want And What Women Want (S76, DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
and From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-16
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT
I know the myth is that men want
Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley
Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha
Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're
sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home
with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of
Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of
Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith,
because of course we don't want to feel too threatened. So
if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly
away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep
breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like
"How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How
about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't
have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm
not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the
master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here
goes: Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
ONE - We want you to understand
that we don't give a shit
about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need
is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes.
TWO - Don't talk to us
while the television is on, all
right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk.
Television is on, we don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the
wheel of a car, if you want
to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody
the finger and expect me to defend your honor when
Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks,
FOUR - Would it kill you to watch
'The Godfather' with me
for the fifty-seventh time?
FIVE - Hey I'm sorry, but some
of us see a beautiful sunset
and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning
me up the ass."
SIX - You go see Nell by
yourself, all right? I met
enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor.
Without a sense of humor, a
relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black
EIGHT- Work out your job-related
anger before we have sex.
Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup
of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean
consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up
in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars- Sinai, all right?
NINE - Don't ask us to cry.
As much as you say you want us
to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when
we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She
enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started
thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN - Be patient.
Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help
us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and
lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much,
how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Nowadays it seems like they want....other
women. No, uhh....
some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of
zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want
Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad
Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt
when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of
Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice
of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two
bottles of NyQuil. Another myth is that a woman must be
married by a certain age or she'll never find stability.
Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis,
all right? And yet a third myth is that men think that
women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will
often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle
without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous.
Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill
us. Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on
women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this
is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO - If you take her out
to a fancy restaurant, don't try
to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up
women's asses about the sanctity
and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some
decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single
mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't
have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering
FOUR - Equal work for equal pay.
Look around you at work,
guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the
cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you,
because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now
imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE - This is very important:
During lovemaking: Don't ask,
"Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not
SIX - When her mouth moves,
pay attention, words could be
coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes
it compulsory for all over-the-
hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came.
You're a big boy now,
Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE - Don't tell her how to
merge and she won't tell you to
ask for directions.
TEN - When she catches
you cheating on her and cuts off your
dick in your sleep, take it like a man. So, guys, at the
end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a
genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or
if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the
size of your head?
Subj: What Men And Women Want (S453b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/19/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)
Subj: How Men And Women Shower (S136, S405b, DU)
From: thebartend on 9/3/99
and From: hellgunner50 on 10/20/2004
How To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place
it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing
long dressing gown. If you
see your boyfriend or husband along the way, cover up
any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique
in the mirror and stick
out your gut so that you can complain and whine even
more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with
Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins
6. Wash your hair again with
Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with
Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed
apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body
with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair
(this takes at least
fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider
shaving bikini area
but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces
in shower. Spray mold
spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a
small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
16. Check entire body for the
remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing
long dressing gown and towel
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband
along the way, cover
up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend
an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting
on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your girlfriend/
wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique
in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size
of your penis in the mirror, scratch your balls and
smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for
a washcloth. (you don't
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain
and look at yourself
in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of
the shower. Fail to notice
water on the floor because you left the curtain hang
out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror,
flex muscles. Admire
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with
towel around your waist.
If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel,
grab your penis, go "Yeahbaby" and thrust your pelvis
21. Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to
Subj: Ten Things Women Will Never Understand (S52, DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
TEN THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY
A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
Men are a misunderstood lot,
which all in all is probably for
the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with
our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their
nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better
for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and
money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do
wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll
1. Our consuming need to own
the biggest and most expensive
version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive
off-road vehicles in cities
and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment
is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers
for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength",
because inside every man is the germ of every profession he
ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these
purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-
fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone level. But
occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once
boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with
"operating theatre-quality air." I kept him away from my
surgical-steel steak knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do
it the right way. Super-
markets are like giant booby traps for males -- which is
why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you
should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of
wine, a pair of jeans, and a tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse
to dodge those conversations
that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and
"Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate
thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen
if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will
result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble
talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can
repair virtually anything
with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right.
Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether
it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it
down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately,
this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're
mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all
over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown
men can waste huge chunks
of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man
repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late
and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-
eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair
-- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter
II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally
united in their belief
that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom
stating that men will never fully understand the agony of
childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain,
fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted
that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly
under the weather just from being men. It's only a mis-
placed sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every
day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple
of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any
7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV,
they plug right in. Once
we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything,
including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which
probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men
cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on
8. Our sense of humour.
When women say that what they
most want from a man is a
sense of humour, they tend to mean something different
from what we mean. Women never understand the comic
genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his
9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies
heavily on petty
obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed
expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to
mention in passing become Test-Match length debates
among men. True, some of us are able to combine a
scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a
nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents
for conversations with women. Between ourselves,
the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or
"Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your
local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar
Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to
discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
Mid-life crisis, the seven-year
itch, whatever you
like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness
of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse
for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson
and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age.
Like there has to be more to it than that.
Subj: She/He Definitions (S149, S553c)
From: agrief on 12/09/1999
and From: SCOTCOB on 8/20/2007
Wants and needs (wontz and nedz)
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so
men can watch and get really turned on.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling)
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since
that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl)
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking,
to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone
bad, prior to tossing it out.
Subj: How to Break Up with a Woman (DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
Before we get into the "how to"
of breaking up with a woman,
we must first define her. "Woman" is taken from the composite
of two root words. "Wo" from the Old English "Woe," meaning
deep sorrow, grief, misfortune, and calamity. And "man," as in
"Man, I'm gonna kill her." The American Heritage Dictionary,
defines "woman" as: 1. An adult, female human being. 2. Women
collectively; womankind. 3. Feminine quality or aspect; woman-
liness. 4. A female servant. 5. A mistress; paramour.
Okay, stop staring at 4 and 5;
it's an old dictionary. Don't
get me wrong. I love women. Well, it's not so much that I
love them as that I love the concept of them. They're good
on paper. They don't work so well in practice. Dr. John
Grey wrote the best-seller, Men are From Mars, Women are
from Venus. His theory is that men and women are inherently
different and that they need to understand this in order to
get along. I'm writing a similar book. Mine is called,
"Men are From Mars, Women are from Hell." It's basically
the same theory, though I prove that women are actually a
product of the devil.
"Love" and Other Four Letter Words
This is a true story. I had been
dating a woman for about
six months and had carefully avoided using the word "love."
We both knew it. One morning, after we had spent a lovely
weekend getaway at a bed ? breakfast in Northern California,
I pulled the curtains open to see the most beautiful scenic
view of the Pacific Ocean on the Carmel coastline.
"I love a
view," I said.
"I love you too, " she said and rolled over.
At that moment I knew it was over.
How do You Know She Loves You?
Good question. Here are three
tell-tale signs you know the
woman you are dating loves you:
* You had sex with her.
* She spends all your time together trying to change you.
* She doesn't say, "I love you." Women don't say it when
they do, as frequently as men say it when they don't.
The Five Stages of Breaking Up
Rather than doing it in one swift
painless blow, I've
dragged it out into five distinct and unavoidable steps:
1. Contemplation: It usually occurs
right after sex. Don't go
with this immediate urge. Now is not the time. It's
chemical. Just roll over and go to sleep like you always
2. Contemplate it some more: Run it
by your friends. You
know... those guys you blew off when you started seeing
3. Joke about it: Make your moments
with her uncomfortable
4. Just do it: (I would explain how,
but that is beyond scope
of this article.) Oh, one way is to get her drunk. You
did it when you first slept with her. Now do it to break
up with her. Trust me, it's the best way. Besides, while
she's drunk, you can sleep with her one last time, but get
out before she sobers up. That's how you got into the
relationship to begin with.
5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped
calling her, doesn't
mean you have to stop seeing her. Many questions need to
be answered, like: Who is she going out with now? Is she
miserable now that you 're gone? Oh God, she's not fu--ing
him, is she? This includes calling and hanging up, and
calling and crying. That is when you say, "I love you."
Beating Her to the Punch
There are two ways of beating
her to the punch. The first
way is to break up with her before she does it to you. And
the second way is to literally punch her, because she's pissed.
Take her to dinner. Maybe the
restaurant where you first took
her. This way the thing goes full circle, like a ring. (Try
to get that back, too.) Sit at exactly the same table, order
the same thing, then ask the waitress out. It's that simple.
That's the sensitive way. Sensitivity is very popular lately.
We no longer end it over the phone or on the answering machine.
Today we talk it to death, then see each other's therapist.
There's the, I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating
approach, which only works if you're dating an idiot.
And finally, you could write
an article about it and have her
proofread it. That's what I did.
Subj: Flight Deck Comic Strip (S627b)
by Peter Waldner
Source: (Removed from creators.com)
Subj: Haircuts - The Difference Between Men And Women (26, DU)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-16
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so?
I wasn't sure when she gave me the
mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No,
it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty
much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious?
I think your face is adorable. And
you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would
look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except
that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny!
I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding?
I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Subj: Who Enjoys Sex More? (S679)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-24
(Also see 'The Ear and Sex' in BODY PARTS file)
A man and a woman were having
drinks when they got into an
argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously
enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything,"
the woman countered. "Think
about this--When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which
feels better-your ear or your finger?
Subj: Hormonal Hearing
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear, if we
Don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Subj: Stages Of Life (S288)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #278 on 97-12-15
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
48 double vodka
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.
35 really good coke
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid and a Nazi love slave
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from first marriage
66 dust bunnies
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
48 "Just come over."
66 "Just come over and cook."
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
17 tall, dark, and handsome
25 tall, dark, and handsome with money
35 tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Einstein And Women (in Drawings-Math5)
Cartoon by Higgins
From: mrx on 8/7/2004