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Subj: Differences3 between Men And Women
          (Includes 54 jokes and articles, 26802,4,cf,md4wT,1)

Couple Handling Money
from
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  A Drawing About Love (S715)
.........................Many Differences Between Mem And Women (S284b)
.........................Women And Men
.........................He Said/She Said (S217, S802)
.........................How To Speak About Men And Women (S200)
.........................How to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
.........................Blondie Comic Strip (S639b)
.........................Her Story And His Story (S167, S795)
.........................How To Impress A Woman Or Man (S80, S324b)
.........................A Perfect Day (S78)
.........................Men Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts (S67, DU)
.........................Men Sweep You - Picture (S457b)
.........................Men Vs Women (S222, S684)
.........................Gender Language Differences (S199)
.........................Secrets Of Women's Language (S237b, S760)
.........................Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
                         Short Difference Jokes (S61)
..............................Friendships (S467)
..............................The Differences in Mirrors (S458b)
..............................Women Are Like Apples And Men Are Like Wine (S377)
..............................The Many Moods of Mars and Venus (S330)
..............................The Difference Between Men And Women (S65)

============================================================Top
Subj:     A Drawing About Love (S715)
          From: Adam Prall on Facebook on 10/1/715
 Source: http://www.facebook.com/adam.prall?ref=ts#!/photo.php?
.........pid=91762&fbid=112552362137134&id=100001471125631
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....................
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Top
Subj:     Many Differences Between Men And Women (S284b, S596b)
          From: ICohen on 7/9/2002
      and From: AFine963 on 6/21/2008

 or "Why Men Are Just Happier People"

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
  Smart man + smart woman = romance
  Smart man + dumb woman = affair
  Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
  Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 OFFICE ARITHMETIC
  Smart boss + smart employee = profit
  Smart boss + dumb employee = production
  Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 SHOPPING MATH
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that
     she doesn't need.

 GENERAL EQUATIONS And STATISTICS
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  Successful man is one who makes more money than
     his wife can spend.
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 HAPPINESS
  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
     and love him a little.
  To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
     and not try to understand her at all.

 LONGEVITY
  Married men live longer than single men, but married men
     are a lot more willing to die.

 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
     but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
     and she does.

 DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
  A woman has the last word in any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning
     of a new argument.

 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
     the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
 They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them
     at funerals.

 NICKNAMES
 If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will
     call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
 If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately
     refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 EATING OUT
 When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw
     in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
 None of them will have anything smaller and none will
     actually admit they want change back.
 When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 BATHROOMS
 A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and
     toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap,
     and a towel from M&S.
 The average number of items in the typical woman's
     bathroom is 337.
 A man would not be able to identify more than 20
     of these items.

 CATS
 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats but when women aren't
     looking men kick cats.

 DRESSING UP
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
     empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book,
     and get the mail.
 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 OFFSPRING
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.
     She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
     best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and
     hopes and dreams.
 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 A married man should forget his mistakes.
 There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Top
Subj:     Women And Men
          From: Cypriot on 9/7/2001

                              ** WOMEN **

 Women have strengths that amaze men.

 They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens,
 but they hold happiness, love, and joy.

 They smile when they want to scream.  They sing when they
 want to cry.  They cry when they are happy and laugh when
 they are nervous.  Women wait by the phone for a "safe at
 home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.  Women
 have special qualities about them.  They volunteer for good
 causes.  They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food
 to shut-ins.

 They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-
 home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.  They wear suits,
 jeans, and they wear uniforms.  They fight for what they
 believe in.

 They stand up for injustice.  They are in the front row at
 PTA meetings.  They vote for the person that will do the best
 job for family issues.  They walk and talk the extra mile to
 get their children in the right schools and for getting their
 family the right health care. They write to the editor,
 their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things
 that make for a better life.  They don't take "no" for an
 answer when they believe there is a better solution.

 They stick a love note in the lover's lunch box.  They do
 without new shoes so their children can have them.  They go
 to the doctor with a frightened friend.  They love
 unconditionally.

 Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.  They are smart,
 knowing that knowledge is power.  But they still know how
 to use their softer side to make a point.  Women want to
 be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
 They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
 friends get awards.

 They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new
 marriage.  Their hearts break when a friend dies.  They
 have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet are strong
 when they think there is no strength left.

 A women's touch can cure any ailment.  They know that a
 hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.  A woman can make
 a romantic evening unforgettable.  Women come in all sizes,
 in all colors and shapes.  They live in homes, apartments,
 and cabins.  They drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to
 show you how much they care about you.  The heart of a
 woman is what makes the world spin!

 Women do more than just give birth.  They bring joy and
 hope.  They give compassion and ideals.  They give moral
 support to their family and friends.  And all they want
 back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to
 people you come in contact with.
 

                                 ** MEN **

 Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.

Top
Subj:     He Said/She Said (S217, S802)
          From: ICohen on 3/28/2001
      and From: virv on 5/25/2012

 He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
            nothing to put in it.
 She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
 

 He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the stove & sink
            while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
 

 He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
            money I gave you?
 She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
 

 He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
 She said...They don't have time.
 

 He said... How many men does it take to change
            a roll of toilet paper?
 She said...I don't know; it has never happened.
 

 He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are
            sensitive, caring and good-looking?
 She said...They already have boyfriends.
 

 He said... What do you call a woman who knows
            where her husband is every night?
 She said...A widow.
 

 He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?
 She said...Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
            and go to bed.  Married women come home, see
            what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 

 He said... Do you love me just because my father left me
            a fortune?
 She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter
            who left you the money.
 

 He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
 She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
 

 He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
            make love to you in the worst way.
 She said...Well, you succeeded.
 

 He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your
            legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
 She said...No, have you?
 

 He said... Why do you women always try to impress us
            with your looks, not with your brains?
 She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is
            a moron than he is blind.
 

 He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
 She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
            the hallway light on.
 

 Priest said "I don't think you will ever find another man
            like your late husband."
 She said...'Who's gonna look?'
 

 She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
 He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
 

 On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
 Written just below it: I do not."

Top
Subj:     How To Speak About Men And Women (S200)
          From: RFSlick on 11/20/2000

 How to speak about WOMEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED
 AMERICAN.

 She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY
 APPRECIATIVE.

 She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

 She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
 SUPERHIGHWAY.

 She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
 COMPANION.

 She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

 She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
 INCONVENIENCED.

 She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

 She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY
 ENHANCED.

 She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

 She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
 

Top
Subj:     How to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 

 He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a
    LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

 He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

 He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
    He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

 He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

 He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers
    GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

 He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -
    He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

 He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a
    case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

 He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

 He is not QUIET - he has a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST

 You do not BUY HIM A DRINK - You initiate AN ALCOHOL-FOR-
    CONVERSATION EXCHANGE

 He does not FART  AND BELCH - he is GASTRONOMICALLY
    EXPRESSIVE

 He is not a REDNECK - he is a GENETICALLY-RELATED AMERICAN

 He does not HAVE A RICH DADDY - he is a RECIPIENT OF
    PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION

 He does not HOG THE BLANKETS - he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE

 He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Top
Subj:     Blondie Comic Strip (S639b)
          By Dennis Young and Denis Lebrun
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 4/11/2009
Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
......../comics/king_blondie.html?name=Blondie
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Top
Subj:     Her Story And His Story (S167, S795)
          From: allenbergman on 7/29/2008
      and From: AFine963 on 4/10/2012

 HER STORY:

 He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar.  I thought it
 might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say
 much about it.  The conversation was  quite slow going so
 I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we
 could talk privately.

 We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny.
 I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's
 me or something I did or something else.  I ask him, and he
 says no its not me.  But you know I'm not really sure.  So
 anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him
 and he just puts his arm around me.

 I don't know what the hell that means because you know he
 doesn't say it back or anything.  We finally get back to his
 place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!  So I try
 to talk about it but he just switches on the TV.

 Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep.

 Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex.
 But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
 wanted to leave.

 I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore.  I
 mean, do you think he's met someone else???
 

 HIS STORY:
 Shitty day at work.  Tired.  Got laid though!

Top
Subj:     How To Impress A Woman Or Man (S80, S324b)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-08-06
      and From: Grampsboyd on 4/12/2003
      (See 'How To Please A Woman' in How to Please)

     HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

     Compliment her,
     cuddle her,
     kiss her,
     caress her,
     love her,
     stroke her,
     tease her,
     comfort her,
     protect her,
     hug her,
     hold her,
     spend money on her,
     wine ? dine her,
     buy things for her,
     listen to her,
     care for her,
     stand by her,
     support her,
     go to the ends of the earth for her....
 

     HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

     Show up naked.
     With beer.

Top
Subj:     A Perfect Day (S78)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-28
          (See 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa' in MARRIAGE3)

 THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

  8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
  8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
  8:45 breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice
       and croissants
  9:15 soothing hot bath with liliac bath oil
 10:00 light workout at club with handsome, funny
       personal trainer
 10:30 facial,manicure,shampoo and cut
 12:00 lunch with best friends at outdoor cafe
 12:45 notice ex-boyfriends wife she has gained 30 lbs
  1:00 shopping with friend, unlimited credit
  3:00 nap
  4:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from
       secret admirer
  4:15 light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
  5:30 pick out outfit for dinner, primp in front of mirror
  7:30 candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
       hot shower (alone)
 10:30 make love
 11:00 pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
 11:15 fall asleep in his big strong arms

 THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

  6:00 ALARM
  6:15 blowjob
  6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
  7:00 breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
  7:30 limo arrives
  7:45 Stoli bloody mary enrout to airport
  8:15 DFW-Private G4 to Augusta,Ga (Java, and Sports Ill.
  9:30 lIMO TO AUGUSTA National Golf Club
  9:45 front nine at Augusta ( 2 under par)
 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell,3 heinekens
 12:15 Blowjob
 12:30 back nine Augusta ( 4 under par)
  2:15 limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
  2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau,Bahamas(nap)
  3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female
       (topless) crew
  4:30 Land world record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
  5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage and handjob enroute by
       naked Kathy Irland
  6:45 Shit,shower,shave
  7:00 Watch cnn newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and
       Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated
       (Hillary has a secret Mole,al looks real cold)
  7:30 Dinner, Lobster appitizers, Don Perigon (1963),
       20 oz New York Steak
  9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partiagas cigar
  9:30 Sex with 3 women (preferably at least 2 with mixed
       race origin)
 11:00 Massage in jacuzzi
 11:45 Bed (alone)
 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
 11:55 Asleep

Top
Subj:     Men Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts (S67, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #113 on 98-05-08

The Difference:
 Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell
 us how wonderful we are.  Women have their faults.  Men have
 only two.  Everything they say.  Everything they do.  A
 successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
 spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

The Style:
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women
 somehow deteriorate during the night.  When women are
 depressed they either eat or go shopping..  Men invade
 another country.  It's a whole different way of thinking.
 A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar
 item he wants.  A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar
 item that she doesn't want.

The Workplace:
 When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives
 her opinions, she's a bitch.  Women are the only exploited
 group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Relationships:
 Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best
 friend.  Now you know which sex is smarter.  Most men's
 primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number
 of beautiful women.  For a man, commitment means giving up
 this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship
 with one man who either provides economic security or is
 on his way to doing so (he has "potential").  For a woman,
 commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.
 So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary
 fantasy, while a man gives his up.  It's not true that men
 prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can
 simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very
 core of intelligence.

Love:
 Men always want to be a woman's first love.  Women have a
 more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last
 romance.  The only way to understand a woman is to love
 her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.  To
 women, love is an occupation.  To men, a preoccupation.  To
 be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love
 him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love her
 a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage:
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
 doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
 change and she does.  Men marry because they are tired;
 woman because they are curious.  Both are disappointed.
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
 while a man never worries about the future until he gets
 a wife.  A woman will always cherish the memory of the
 man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he
 didn't.  There are two times when a man doesn't under-
 stand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands:
 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
 One is to let her think she is having her own way, and
 the other is to let her have it.  Married men live
 longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
 willing to die.  Any married man should forget his
 mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives:
 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
 joke.  Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle:
 A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a
 man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men:
 If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop
 slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women:
 Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of
 happy fat women.  Women have two weapons - cosmetics and
 tears.  Women may be the only group that grows more radical
 with age.  God made man before woman to give him time to
 think of an answer for her first question.

Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts

Top
Subj:     Men Sweep You (S457b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19991024
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Top
Subj:     Men Vs Women (S222, S684)
          From: pns on 4/27/2001
          (Some in 'Men Are Lunatics, Women Are Nuts' in this file)

  1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.  A woman
     will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
  2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
     husband.  A man never worries about the future until
     he gets a wife.
  3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his
     wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can
     find such a man.
  4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot ?
     love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must
     love her a lot ? not try to understand her at all.
  5. Married men live longer than single men - but married
     men are a lot more willing to die.
  6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no
     use in two people remembering the same thing.
  7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women
     somehow deteriorate during the night.
  8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
     doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
     change ? she does.
  9. A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a
     man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
     before marriage ? after marriage.

Top
Subj:     Gender Language Differences (S199 - From: DIFFERENCES2)
          From: DR SWITZER on 98-03-05
      and From: RFSlick on 11/22/2000

Women's English:

 "Yes."                = No
 "No."                 = Yes
 "Maybe."              = No
 "I'm sorry."          = You'll be sorry
 "We need."            = I want
 "It's your decision." = The correct decision should be
                         obvious by now.
 "Do what you want."   = You'll pay for this later.
 "We need to talk."    = I need to complain.
 "Sure go ahead."      = I don't want you to.
 "I'm not upset."      = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 "You're so manly."    = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 "You're certainly attentive tonight."
.......................= Is sex all you ever think about?
 "Be romantic, turn out the lights."
.......................= I have flabby thighs.
 "This kitchen is so inconvenient."
.......................= I want a new house.
 "I want new curtains."= ...and carpeting, and furniture,
                         and wallpaper....
 "Hang the picture there."
                       = NO, I mean hang it there!
 "I heard a noise."    = I noticed you were almost asleep.
 "Do you love me?"     = I'm going to ask for something
                         expensive.
 "How much do you love"= I did something today you're
                         really not going to like.
 "I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and
                                find a good game on TV.
 "Is my butt fat?"     = Tell me I'm beautiful.
 "You have to learn to communicate."
                       = Just agree with me.
 "Are you listening to me!?"
                       = Too late, you're dead.
 "Was that the baby?"  = Why don't you get out of bed and
                         walk him until he falls asleep.
 "I'm not yelling!"    = Yes, I am yelling because I think
                         this is important.
 "The same old thing." = Nothing.
 "Nothing."            = Everything.
 "Everything."         = My PMS is acting up.
 "Nothing, really."    = It's just that you're such a jerk.
 

Men's English:

 "I'm hungry"          = I'm hungry.
 "I'm sleepy"          = I'm sleepy.
 "I'm tired"           = I'm tired.
 "Do you want to go to a movie?"
               = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Can I take you out to dinner?"
               = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Can I call you sometime?"
               = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "May I have this dance?"
               = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Nice dress!"         = Nice cleavage!
 "You look tense, let me give you a massage."
                       = I want to fondle you.
 "What's wrong?"       = I don't see why your making such
                         a big deal about this.
 "What's wrong?"       = What meaningless self-inflicted
                         psychological trauma are you going
                        through now?
 "What's wrong?"       = I guess sex tonight is out of the
                         question.
 "I'm bored."          = Do you want to have sex?
 "I love you."         = Let's have sex now.
 "I love you, too."    = Okay, I said it ... we'd better
                         have sex now!
 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
                       = I liked it better before.
 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
                       = $50 and it doesn't look that
                         much different!
 "Let's talk."         = I am trying to impress you by
                         showing you that I am a deep person
                         and maybe then you'd like to have
                         sex with me.
 "Will you marry me?"  = I want to make it illegal for you to
                         have sex with other guys.
 (While shopping) "I like that one better."
                       = Pick any freakin' dress and let's
                         go home!
 "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together."
                       = I am gay.

Top
Subj:     Secrets Of Women's Language (S237b, S760)
          From: tom on 8/16/2008
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/4/2011
          (See 'Woman's Dictionary'in WOMEN3
           and 'Real Meanings of Personal Ad Codes' in HEADLINES-ADDS)

 Keywords and their meanings.

 1. FINE

 This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument
 that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up.
 NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.  This will
 cause you to have one of those arguments.

 2. FIVE MINUTES

 This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes
 that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last
 before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an
 even trade.

 3. NOTHING

 This means something and you should be on your toes.
 "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
 has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
 backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
 will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

 4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)

 This is a dare.  One that will result in a woman getting
 upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that
 will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

 5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)

 This means "I give up.  Do what you want because I don't
 care."  You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead"
 in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five
 Minute" argument ending with "Fine".

 6. LOUD SIGH

 Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue
 misunderstood by men.  The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
 you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
 standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you
 over "Nothing".

 7. SOFT SIGH

 One of the few sounds that some men actually understand.
 She is content.  Your best bet is not to move or breathe.
 Just stay clear.

 8. OH

 This word followed by any statement is trouble.  E.G. -
 "Oh, let me get that",which actually means you are
 obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly
 complete the task to her particular standard.  Or "Oh,
 I already talked to the cable guy", which means she
 has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra
 outlets and black box.  Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to
 him about what you did last night.

From: Imogenelumen on 8/6/2003

 9. THAT'S OKAY

 This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
 can make to a man.  "That's Okay" means that she wants to
 think long and hard before paying you back for what ever
 it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
 with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
 Eyebrow."
 

 10. GO AHEAD!

 At some point in the near future, you are going to be in
 some mighty big trouble.
 

 11. PLEASE DO

 This is not a statement, it is an offer.  A woman is giving
 you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason
 you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
 have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
 shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
 

 12. THANKS

 A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
 

 13. THANKS A LOT

 This is much different from "Thanks."  A woman will say,
 "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
 signifies that you have offended her in some callous way,
 and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
 ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
 tell you "Nothing."

Top
Subj:     Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 * Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 * Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In
    a world where there are more women than men, it pays to
    recycle.
 * Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident
   that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that
   if he concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is
   in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room,
   and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the
   phone in case they call him.
 * Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel
   important.
 * Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
   morning.  Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
 * All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
   These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
   Schwartzkopf.
 * Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a
   fire and the  last log does not burn, he will take it
   personally.
 * No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on
   record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
 * When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
 * When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
 * Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I
   emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"  Most men are
   outrospective: "Did my team win?   How's my car?"
 * If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
   forget...   he didn't lose your number... he didn't die.
   He just didn't want to  call you.
 * Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I
   asked him,  "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said,
   "Yes, but not with each  other."
 * Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is
   a problem.    "Get out" and "I never want to see you
   again" might sound like a challenge.  If you want to get
   rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love  you... I want to
   marry you... I want to have your children."  Sometimes
   they leave skid marks.
 * Men forget everything; women remember everything.
 * That's why men need instant replays in sports.  They've
   already forgotten what happened.


Subj:     Short Difference Jokes (S103)

Top
Subj:     Friendships (S467)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/3/2006
Friendship Between Women:
 A woman didn't come home one night.  The next day she told
 her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
 The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them
 knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
 A man didn't come home one night.  The next day he told his
 wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman
 called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight of them
 confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he
 was still there.
 

Top
Subj:     The Differences in Mirrors (S458b)
          From: jbcary1
          on 11/1/2005
 This cute, JPG cartoon can be viewed on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Women Are Like Apples And Men Are Like Wine (S377)
          From: Imogenelumen on 4/15/2004
 Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the
 top of the tree.  Most men don't want to reach for the good
 ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
 Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground
 that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the
 top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
 they're amazing.  They just have to wait for the right
 man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all
 the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women
 who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

 Men are like a fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and
 it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they
 turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
 

Top
Subj:     The Many Moods of Mars and Venus (S330)
          From: FridaySillinesst on 5/23/2003
 THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
 An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a
 bundle of contradiction.She's afraid of a wasp, will
 scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in
 the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll
 kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose. She'll win
 you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger
 than brandy, milder than milk. At times she'll be
 vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison,
 and love you like mad.

 THE MOODS OF A MAN
 Hungry.Horny.Sleepy.
 

Top
Subj:     The Difference Between Men And Women (S65)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
 A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.  A woman
 is driving down the same road.  As they pass each other,
 the woman leans out the window and yells:  *PIG*!!  The man
 immediately leans out his window and replies with"BITCH!"
 They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
 next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road...
 

 More women do this in the bathroom than men.
 Wash their hands.Women - 80% Men - 55%

From: auntieg on 98-03-28 (S61)
 A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
 A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she
  doesn't want.

 A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted
  to marry her; a man, of the woman who didn't.

 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
  while a man never worries about the future until he gets
  a wife.

 Men marry because they are tired.  Women marry because
  they are curious.  Both are disappointed.

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
  can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and
  love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love
  her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 Married men live longer than single men, but married men
  are a lot more willing to die.

 A married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use
  in two people remembering the same thing.

 The Style:  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
  but he doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting that she
  won't change and she does.

 The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
 argument.

 Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife
  happy.  One is to let her think she is having her own way,
  and the other is to let her have it.

 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman
  - before marriage and after marriage.

 Question:  If a man speaks in the forest and there is no
  woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

From: Bawdy.Net #278 on 99-01-15
 Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 What do men and women have in common?
 They both distrust men.

From: collins2 on 5/31/99 (S130)
 Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

From: RFSlick on 3/10/2001 (S215)
 "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth.
 On the other hand,we can open all our own jars."
 Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.
   -- Billy Crystal

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
 entire relationships.  -- Sharon Stone

 Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake
 that, you're in.  -- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"

From: igiggle on 4/28/2004 (S379b)
 Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man
 speaks only when driven to speech by something outside
 himself... like, for instance, he can't find any clean
 socks.  -- Jean Kerr

From: igiggle on 5/7/2004 (S380b)
 After a quarrel between a man and a woman, the man suffers
 chiefly from the thought that he has wounded the woman;
 the woman suffers from the thought that she has not
 wounded the man enough.  -- Nietzsche

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/20/2005 (S417b)
 Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among
 women intimacy sometimes leads to sex.

From: jerry on 5/5/2006 (S485b)
 Quote from Dave Barry (the humor columnist), "The primary
 difference between men and women is that women can see
 extremely small quantities of dirt."
 

 Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
 A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

 Q: What is a relationship?
 A: A way to keep masturbation from getting boring.

 Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
 A: Sexual harassment.

 Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
 A: $3.99 a minute.

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
 Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
 A: About 45 pounds!!

 Q: What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
 A: About 45 minutes !!

From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04 (S403b)
 Q: What is the difference between men and women?
 A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
    A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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.........................From Smiley_Central.
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