elderly1

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Subj: Elderly1 Jokes, 'old couples'
(Includes 29 jokes and articles, 04781,6,cf)

Click "Here" for Elderly1-Supp

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
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Subj:     Our Sexual Relations (S472c)
          From: darrell94590
          on 1/28/2006

This cute picture and joke can be seen on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Florida Couple Goes Out For Dinner (S304)
          From: pns on 11/26/2002

A retired couple from New York City, Abie and Zelda now
living in Boca Raton, Florida, were getting ready to go
out to dinner. Zelda came out of the bedroom and said
Abie, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel
suit or the Gucci one?"

"Do I care?" he replied.

A few minutes later Zelda, again, came out of the bedroom
and said to her husband, "Abie, shall I wear my Cartier
watch or my Rolex?"

"Who cares?" said Abie.

A few more minutes passed and, again, Zelda came out of
the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abie darling, shall
I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat
round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

To which Abie responded, "Hey, I really don't care, but
if you don't get your ass in gear, we're going to miss
the earlybird special.

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Wants A Divorce (S296)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/22/99

Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked down at
them. "How old are you?" he asked.

"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and I’m in the pink, the pink!"

"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel like sixty, judge!"

"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.

"Yep, that’s it, a divorce!" chirped Sam.

"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping the air clean
with her hand.

"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said Sam.

"He made me nervous from the beginning," Molly said,
"from the first day, I couldn’t watch him eat those
sunflower seeds."

"How long are you married?" asked the judge, more and
more incredulous.

"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.

"Seventy-two?" The judge took a deep breath.
"But why did you wait so long?"

They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam said,
"We wanted to wait until the children died."

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Subj:     Sam Buys A Pair Of Boots (S119)
          From: RFSlick on 5/12/99
          (Also see 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes' in ALLIGATOR
                and 'Buying Cowboy Boots' in COWBOY)

Sam and Bessie have been married for forty years. During
those years Sam always wanted to own an expensive pair of
cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair
and wears them home. He walks into the kitchen and asks
Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?

"What's different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same pants. What's different? Frustrated, Sam
goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely
naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie,
do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? Its hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why its hanging down?
"Cause it's looking at my new boots."

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Share A Meal (S120)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/10/99

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then
he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to
ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old
gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering (S126b)
          From: RFSlick on 6/23/99
          (See 'Elderly Couple In The Park' in ELDERLY1)

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at
the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems
they were having with their memory. After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help
them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his
wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies,
"Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on
top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget
that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down." With
irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that
down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands
her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
toast."

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Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S678)
          By Brian Crane
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/9/2010

Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/wppic/

After the exciting first year of marriage, sleeping with
a second person in your bed is challenging. Click 'HERE'
to read Pickles comic's cute understanding of this problem.

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Subj:     Highway Patrol Pulls Over Elderly Woman (S102)
          From: thebartend on 99-01-13

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman
was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman
says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband
and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman
gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

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Subj:     Highway Patrol Pulls Over Five Elderly Women (S373)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/16/2004

A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway
waiting to catch speeding drivers.

He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns
on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car,
he notices that there are five old ladies --two in the front
seat and three in the back - eyes wide open and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding.

But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit
can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she says.

"No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A
bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer says.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got
off Route 119."

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Has Sex In Front Of Doctor (S99, S373b)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-12-16
      and From: Grampsboyd on 3/20/2004

Sex Therapy

A couple, both age 67 went to a sex therapists office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them
$50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems,
pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house: I'm married
and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare.

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Plan To Get Married (S276, S501b)
          From: pns on 5/13/2002
      and From: jbcary1t on 8/26/2006

A aged couple (mid to late 60"s) decide to get married
after losing their respective spouses to death, and
then move to Florida. They talked through sharing
household expenses and other miscellaneous things.
They were both relatively well off with each one
having a retirement income.

Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own
houses. "Well, we ought to each sell our homes and
then we can each put half the purchase price into our
new home."

Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the
grocery bills and she says "Neither one of us eats
very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a
monthly basis." to which she agrees. What about the
utility bill? Same sharing response.

Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex
thing, and he replies "Oh, infrequently". Jane sat
quietly for a moment. Then, looking over her glasses,
she looked Harold in the eye and casually asking, "Was
that one word or two?"

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Subj:     Very Elderly Couple Plan To Get Married (S292, S631b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/3/2002
      and From: tom on 2/9/2009

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each
other for 2 years when they decided that life was too
short and they might as well be together for the rest of
their lives.

Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they
went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans
need to be made. Along the way, they found themselves
in front of a drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be,
"Let's go in. I have an idea."

They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the
man behind the counter: "Are you the owner? " asked George.

The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"

George: "Do you sell heart medications?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about support hose for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
osteoporosis, and arthritis?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"

Pharmacist: "Yes sir."

George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies
and reading glasses?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol,
Preparation- H and ExLax?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. May I ask...why
all these questions?"

George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to
the pharmacist, "we've decided to get married, and
we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry!"

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Subj:     The Three Rules Of Old Age (S411b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/8/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/087.htm

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Subj:    Elderly Couple In The Park
         (See 'Elderly Couple Having Problems Remembering' in ELDERLY1)

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a
large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors
sell all types of food stuff.

The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an
ice cream cone."

Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

Wife: But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hub: No I wont - what do you want?

Wife: Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hub: OK - Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles - see
I'll remember.

Several hours pass an finally hubby returns.

Wife: What took you so long, did you get lost.

Hub: No - and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife: I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hub: What do you mean - every thing is there?

Wife: No it's not - look - you forgot the piclkes.

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Wants Baby

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells
the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor
replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll
give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."

So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the
doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of
this."

The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it
with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She
tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right
hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with
her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Has Check-Up (S479b, S631c)
         From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/25/2006
      and From: tom on 2/8/2009

As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays,
respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the
same day, so we could travel together. After my examination,
the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," I said. "After I am intimate with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I the
second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medial concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions, nor concerns. The doctor
then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after being intimate the first
time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you
know why?"

"Oh, that old fart!" she replied. "That's because, the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

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Subj:     Second Elderly Couple Has Check-Up Joke (S140, S772)
         From: gattica30 on 6/16/2009
      and From: hilary.miller05 on 11/2/2011

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to
have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends
the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman
in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the
examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband
first." The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told
him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried
about him mentally." The old woman questions, "Whatever do
you mean?" The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how
he is feeling and he told me he felt great.

He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the
door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done,
he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for
him." The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in
the fridge again!"

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Subj:     83 Year Old Lady Has Physical (S308)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/25/2002

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape
for your age....But tell me...Do you still have
intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake do we
still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told
you a thousand times..." We have blue cross"!!

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Rent Room To Model
Drawing from HomeEconomiser.com...

Click 'HERE' to read this cute joke.

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Subj:     Worms Can Teach You Something
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #33 on 98-02-03

A grandfather and his grandson were out in the garden
digging worms to go fishing when, finally, the grandson
saw a worm sticking about halfway out of a hole. The
grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the
rest of the way. He turns to his elder and says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you
can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little
hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with
a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is
straight and stiff as a board. Without any trouble, he
puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs
the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes
later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little
boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from
your grandma."

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Subj:     Ma And Pa Weber

Ma and Pa are sittin' on their rockin chairs out on the front
porch. Pa suddenly honks Ma's breasts and says, "If these
things could still give milk, we wouldn't need them cows."
Well, Ma is furious, but then again, Pa is gettin' older and
his mind is startin' to go, so she gives him a dirty look,
and continues her sewin'. A couple of minutes later, Pa
touches her privates and says, "You know Ma, if this thing
could still lay eggs, we wouldn't need them hens." Ma's
veins are poppin' out of her neck by now and she grabs Pa's
noodle and says, "Pa, if this thing still worked we wouldn't
need your brother George!"

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Subj:     Elderly Couple In Old Folk's Home Have Sex
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #20
          (See 'Dates Toes Curl During Sex' in Dating1
           and version 2 below))

An elderly man and woman at the Old Folk's Home were sitting
and chatting on a porch enjoying a warm summer evening when
all of a sudden the old man got a little "frisky" and
suggested to the old woman that they go inside and do *it*.

Well, the woman hesitated, not really interested in having
sex that evening but the man was quite persistent and said,
"Honey, if you'll have sex with me, I'll give you $50".
She thought to herself, "Well, I could use the money so
what the hell." and off they went. Both were exhausted
afterwards and the old man said, "Gee, if I would have known
you were a virgin, I would have offered you $100 bucks".

The old woman looked at him and said, "Well, shit, if I
would have known you would have given me $100 bucks, I'd
have taken off my damn panty hose!"

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Version 2

Subj:     Elderly Couple In Old Folk's Home Date (S327b, S781)
          From: From: darrellvip on 2/12/2009
      and From: hilary.miller05 on 11/2/2011

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's
residence. They met in the social center and discovered
over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner, and she accepted. They had a lovely
evening.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for
an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural
course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined
Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments
they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own
thoughts.

Claude was thinking: If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd
have been more gentle.

Maude was thinking: If I'd known he could still get it up,
I'd have taken off my panty hose.

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Subj:     Wife Stays With Husband Through Bad Times
         From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97

An 80 year old man was lying in bed dying. The doctor said
he had minutes to live. His first and only wife was by his
bedside to hear his last words:

"Honey, do you remember how when we got married, I was a
cheerful, handsome, wealthy man? But soon after we were
married, I lost all my money on bad investments. Never-
theless, you stayed with me the whole time.

Then my first business went bankrupt, and we lost every-
thing we had. You didn't leave me. You were right by my
side the whole time.

And now I've had a long sickness, which has used up all
our savings. I'm a wrinkled, grouchy, old, poverty-
stricken, dying man. You're still by my side!

So with my dying breath, I just want to say three little
words to you: YOU'RE BAD LUCK!

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Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip II (S681)
          By Brian Crane
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/25/2010

Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/wppic/

Click 'HERE' to see the silly, cute comic strip

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Subj:     Elderly Couple At Gas Station (S251)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
      and From: dogbyte on 11/21/2001

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast,
when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly
woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her
husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started
filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the
man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."

"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked if I like the
weather, and I told him yes.", replied her husband.

"Where are you all headed?" asked the attendant. "Oh, we're
going to Jacksonville." he replied.

"What'd he say?" asked the woman. "He asked where we're
going, and I told him to Jacksonville." the husband replied.

"Where are you-all from?" inquired the attendant a few
moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.

"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air
Force." replied the attendant. "In fact, I dated a girl
from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though.
I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any
girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you." replied her husband.

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Subj:     Fred And Edith Go For A Boat Ride (S607c)
          From: ipkis on 97-09-08
      and From: redcatt on 8/21/2008

Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day,
Fred says to Edith, "Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?"
Edith says, "Sure!"

So, there they were paddling along... and they come to a fork
in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the
right, Edith... up or down?" Edith says, "What??" Fred, again,
pointing to the left and then to the right, says "Up... or down?"
Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes
right off of Fred's back and starts screwing the hell out of him!
When they're finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home
*extremely* happy.

The next week, Fred says "Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat
ride? (wink, wink)" Edith says, "Why, sure!" So, there they
go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the
river.

They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says,
"Edith! Up or down!?" Edith looks at the fork in the river and
says, "Oh... up, I guess." Fred looks at her confused and
repeats, "Edith... UP or DOWN?" Edith, again looks at the fork
and repeats, "UP."

Fred, looking quite confused says "Edith... what is with you?
Last week I said 'up or down' and you tore your clothes off and
screwed me like a madwoman!" Edith, shocked says: "Is THAT what
you said? UP or DOWN? Omigosh... my hearing aid was in the shop
getting fixed last week... I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown'!"

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Subj:     Wife Puts Husband In Rest Home (S458b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #220 on 97-10-11
          (Also see 'The 100th Birthday Party' in Birthday)

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved
him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer.
He would wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing
home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out
paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left.
The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to
prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning
to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow
on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About
this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork,
walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

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Subj:     Couples 50th Anniversary

and 50th Anniversary w/Cheap, Late Kids (S322)

and Rancher's 50th Anniversary (S291b)

and Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary (S320b)

and 75th Wedding Anniversary

These five jokes have moved to Elderly1-Supp

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Subj:     Elderly Oral Sex (S492)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 6/29/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19961204

To view this cute cartoon, click at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Grandma Smiley from
Smiley_Central

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