Subj: Elderly2-Supp, old women or old men
(Includes 34 jokes and articles, 01838,18,cf,md4,18)
Old Man Sits on Bed
Jokes about old
.........................Two Elderly Ladies Driving In A Car (S838)
.........................For The Love Of Mrs. Brown - Movie (S679)
.........................Two Elderly Ladies Talk About Dead Husband (S424b)
.........................Elderly Lady Salsa Dances - Movie (S674b)
.........................Grandpa's Age (S661)
.........................Oldest Showgirl in the World - Movies (S652)
.........................Little Old Lady Sitting On A Park Bench (S601, S812)
.........................Make My Day - Movie (S552)
.........................Senior Dating (S558)
.........................Drawing Of Two Old Ladies (S584b)
.........................Two Old Ladies On A Bus (S474b)
.........................No Sunday Paper (S740)
.........................Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S589c)
.........................Driving As We Age - Photo (S725)
.........................Carrying Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens, and a Goose (S471b, S794)
.........................Granny And The Air Bag - Movie (S583c)
.........................Visiting Grandma (S457)
.........................Two Old Ladies And The Suppository (S448)
.........................Maxine's Living Will (S588)
.........................Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies (S425)
.........................Helping An Old Lady - Movie (S643b)
about old men
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S824)
.........................Tweeter, Blackberry Phones, Etc. For People Over 50 (S708b)
.........................Multi-Tasking - Cartoon (S477b)
.........................Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S593)
.........................Mother Goose On Grandfathers (S597)
.........................80 Year Old Plans To Marry (S531b)
.........................An Old Man's Dreams (S585c)
.........................Max And Wally Met In The Park (S530, S708b)
.........................Why We Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras (S482c)
.........................Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart (S499, S649b)
.........................Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S635b)
.........................Mexican In Jewish Nursing Home (S471b)
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S676)
.........................Guessing An Old Man's Age (S468)
.........................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S729)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Jokes about old women<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Subj: Two Elderly Ladies Driving In A Car (S838)
From: virv on 2/1/2013
Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was
red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major
junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough,
the light was red and
they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
For The Love Of Mrs. Brown (S679 in Irish1)
From: kgilmour2000 on 1/17/2010Drawing from MrsBrownsBoys.com
The Love of Mrs. Brown is the fourth Irish play in the
Mrs. Brown Series by Brendan O'Carroll. The plot centers
mainly around Agnes Brown finding a date over the internet
for Valentine's Day. Elderly Mrs. Brown must deal with the
modern world's thinking on fallacio, sex, menstrual cycles,
viagra, implants, orgasms, cucumbers, screaming during sex,
faking orgasms, body surgery, and dating.
Click on the above source, or
for my copy to see a
sample of the play. It is the funniest video I have seen
Subj: Two Elderly Ladies Talk About Dead Husband (S424b)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
Two elderly ladies meet at the
launderette after not seeing
one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's
health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went
out to the garden to dig up
a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down
dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Elderly Lady Salsa Dances (S674b,d)
There are several stories going
around about who is this
elderly dancer. She may be Sarah 'Paddy' Jones, who won
the "Spain's Got Talent" contest. She may be an 80 year
old lady from England. Or she may be a 92, dancing with
her great grandson who is 29.
No matter who she is, her dancing
is simply amazing.
Just watch the beauty of her leg movement and the speed
of her hands. Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for
my copy, to see this wonderful dancing.
Subj: Grandpa's Age (S661)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/14/2009
Driving along on a sunny day
with her young granddaughter
by her side, my sister was on top of the world. "Grandma,"
said the girl, "is Grandpa a lot older than you?"
"A few years, yes," she said.
Then, fishing for a
compliment, she inquired, "Why do you ask?"
"Well, his mustache is a lot bigger than yours."
Oldest Showgirl in the World (S652)
The first video is an AARP special
"The Fabulous Palm Springs Follies holds the Guinness
record for being the oldest professional chorus line
in the world, and one of its performers, Dorothy Dale
Kloss, holds the record-at age 85-for being the oldest
The second video is Riff Markowitz
Dale Kloss at The Fabulous Palm Springs Follies during
Dorothy at age 85 is amazing,
and these two different
videos of her are excellent. Click on the two above
Subj: Little Old Lady Sitting On A Park Bench (S601, S812)
From: tom on 7/18/2008
and From: ft.apache on 8/3/2012
A little old lady was sitting
on a park bench in The Villages,
a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down
on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the
woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
Make My Day (S552d)
From: rfslick on 8/13/2007
Subj: Senior Dating (S558)
From: darrellvip on 9/25/2007
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: 'That nice George
Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you.
He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... amarvelous dinner...
lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns
into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my
expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!...
so you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
Drawing Of Two Old Ladies (S584b)
I like this drawing of two old
ladies so I put it on
my web site. Click on the above source, or 'HERE' to
view the drawing.
Subj: Two Old Ladies On A Bus (S474b)
From: Phil at Bridge Center on 2/6/2006
Two old Ladies on a bus.
One asks the other "Is the man
behind me good looking?"
"I know he is young, but is he good looking?"
No Sunday Paper (S740)
From: hilary.miller05 on 3/17/2011
Drawing from The-American-Interest.com...
Click 'Here' to read this cute, short joke.
Subj: Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S589c)
From: darrellvip on 4/26/2008
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first
old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'
Subj: Driving As We Age (S725)
From: tom on 12/4/2010
Driving As We Age --
A picture worth a 1,000 words!
A biker stops by the local Harley
Shop to have his bike
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said
he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at
the hardware store and bought
a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching
his head he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to 1603 Mockingbird
The biker said, "Well, as a matter
of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry
The old lady suggested, "Why
don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under
each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he
said and proceeded to walk
the old girl home. On the way he says: "Let's take my
short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him
over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How
do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me
up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes
lady! I am carrying a bucket,
an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
The lady replied, "Set the goose
down, cover him with the
bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold
Granny And The Air Bag (S583c,d)
From: hellgunner50 on 3/22/2008
Picture from Yahoo! Videos...
A lady was video taping her son
riding a skate board when
her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the
street. It is the best direct hit we've have seen in some
time. Turn your sound up and you can hear the lady that
is taping also giggling as she records the event. Priceless.
You can view the video at the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Visiting Grandma (S457)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/24/2005
A grandmother is giving directions
to her grown grandson,
who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of
the apartment complex. I
am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit
14. When you get out I am on
the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but
why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
Subj: Two Old Ladies And The Suppository (S448)
From: auntiegah on 8/20/2005
(Also see 'Old Manís Hearing Aid Doesnít Work' in BODY-PARTS)
Two elderly women were eating
breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear
and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository
in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository
in my ear?" She pulled
it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you
saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Hospital1)
From: ginafm on 4/25/2008
I've grown tired of most of Maxine's
'Pearls of Wisdom',
but this one is great. You can view it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies (S425)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
One Sunday, sitting on the side
of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices
that there are five old ladies
- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and
white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused,
says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go
exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies,
"you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying
to contain a chuckle explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am,
I have to ask . . . Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with
"Oh, they'll be all right in
a minute officer. We just got off
Helping An Old Lady (S643b,d)
From: darrellvip on 4/30/2009
Click 'HERE' to see this cute, silly movie.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Jokes about old men<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S824)
By Brian Crane
From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/18/2012
Subj: Tweeter, Blackberry Phones, Etc. For People Over 50 (S708b)
From: darrellvip on 8/9/2010
I thought about the 30 year business
I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos,
pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. I signed
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could
communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could
handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters
of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for
Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific
Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my
cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three
minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next
generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell
phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for
my last birthday because they say
I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store
or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble
talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was
glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use
it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty
smart on my dash board, but the
lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run
into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically
say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be
nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would
let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at
the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead,
it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife
and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is
starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at
least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still
trying to learn how to use
the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years,
but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones
all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions
and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the
The world is just getting too
complex for me. They even mess
me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think
they could settle on something themselves but this sudden
"Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for
a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid
looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When
they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"
I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then
it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do
toot a lot."
You can view this cute cartoon
at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S593)
From: ginafm on 5/29/2008
There were two old men sitting
on a park bench talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
Second old man replied, "I think she may be Dead!"
First old man, "What do you mean you think she is DEAD?"
Second old man, "Well.... the
sex is the same but the
dishes are starting to pile up."
Mother Goose On Grandfathers (S597)
From: Grimmy.com on 6/27/2008
You can view this cute comic
strip on the subject of
grandfathers on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: 80 Year Old Plans To Marry (S531b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/20/2007
A senior citizen said to his
eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good at making you feel loved?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
An Old Man's Dreams (S585c)
From: tom on 4/4/2008
Subj: Max And Wally Met In The Park (S530, S708b)
From: darrell94590 on 3/15/2007 and 8/9/2010
elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park
every day. One day Wally didn't show up. After a week
Max really got worried. Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
passed and as Max approached the park and there sat
Wally! Max asked, "What happened to you??? "
"I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Max!! "What for???"
You know that blonde waitress at the coffee shop?"
Then Wally added, "Last month she got mad at me and to get
even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what
everyone would think an old guy like me could still do,
that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge
then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury"
||Subj: Why We
Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras
From: darrell94590 on 4/21/2006 (S482c in Southern)
Subj: Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart (S499, S649b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/11/2006
and From: allenbergman on 6/15/2009
Two old guys are pushing their
carts around Wal-Mart when
they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's
OK, It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find
her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well,
she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is
wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says,
--- let's look for yours."
Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench
From: gattica30 on 3/7/2009 (S635b)
Click 'HERE' to see this cute picture and quotation.
Subj: Mexican In Jewish Nursing Home (S471b)
From: darrell94590 on 1/31/2006
A Mexican family was considering
putting their grandfather
in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were
completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to
"How do you like it here?" asks
the grandson. "It's
wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa. "We're so happy for you; we were worried
that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since
you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about
how wonderfully they treat
the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
"There is a judge in here --
he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him
"And there's a physician here
-- 90 years old. He hasn't
been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still
calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me......, I haven't had
sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'.
Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S676)
By Brian Crane
From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/30/2009
to read this cute comic strip about saying
"What" as an answer.
Subj: Guessing An Old Man's Age (S468)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/9/2006
(Also see 'Guessing An Old Man's Age II' in BIRTHDAYS)
Three old ornery and very bored
grandmas were sitting on a
bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked
by and one of the grandmas says, "Betcha we can guess how
old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't
no way you can guess how old
One of the grandmas said, "Sure
we can! Just drop your under-
shorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared
at him for a while and then they
all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing!
How did you guess that?"
The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their
cheeks. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
all three happily yelled in unison.. "You told us yesterday!"
Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip
By Wiley Miller (S729)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/2/11
You can view this cute comic
strip on the subject of
"Life's Great Truth" on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
............................Great-Grandma Smiley from Smiley_Central.