Subj: Elderly2, old women or old men
          (Includes 30 jokes and articles, 12 1008,4,cf,wYT3,1)

      Click "Here" for Elderly2-Supp

Fishing w/Grandson from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:

    Jokes about old women
.........................Two Elderly Ladies Driving In A Car (S838 in Supp)
.........................For The Love Of Mrs. Brown - Video (S679 in Supp)
.........................Two Elderly Ladies Talk About Dead Husband (S424b in Supp)
.........................Elderly Lady Salsa Dances - Video (S674b in Supp)
.........................Grandpa's Age (S661 in Supp)
.........................Oldest Showgirl in the World - Videos (S652 in Supp)
.........................Little Old Lady Sitting On A Park Bench (S601 in Supp)
.........................Make My Day - Video (S552 in Supp)
.........................Drawing Of Two Old Ladies (S584b in Supp)
.........................Senior Dating (S558 in Supp)
.........................Two Old Ladies On A Bus (S474b in Supp)
.........................No Sunday Paper (S740 in Supp)
.........................Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S589c in Supp)
.........................Driving As We Age - Photo (S725 in Supp)
.........................Carrying Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens, and a Goose (S471b-Supp)
.........................Granny And The Air Bag - Video (S583c in Supp)
.........................Visiting Grandma (S457 in Supp)
.........................Two Old Ladies And The Suppository (S449b in Supp)
.........................Maxine's Living Will (S588 in Supp)
.........................Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies (S425 in Supp)
.........................Helping An Old Lady - Video (S643b in Supp)
.........................Suicidal 83 Year Old Woman (S168, S568b in Supp)
.........................Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens - Music Video (S916)
.........................Wheel Chair Demon (S170, S837)
.........................Elderly Lady Receives Radio (S195, S550c)
.........................Old Age Chuckle Of The Day
.........................Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex Activities (S222)
.........................Old Lady Goes To Rest Home (S306b, S372b)
.........................Two Old Ladies Go To Two Rest Homes (S174)
.........................Three Old Ladies Parade Nude (S29)
.........................Three Old Sisters Live Together (S244b)
.........................Ellie Wants SUPERSEX (S66, S818)
.........................Jeanne Calment - Oldest Ever Person: (S1008)
.........................Little Old Lady Meets Bank President (S180, S621b)
.........................Three Wishes And A Cat
.........................Little Old Lady And The Dildoe (DU)
.........................Mother's And Grandmother's Hedgehogs Seen By Son (DU)
.........................60 Year Old Woman Hears Voice (DU)

      Jokes about old men
.........................Wake Up And Live Your Life - Short Film (S866 in Supp)
.........................Tweeter, Blackberry, Etc. For People Over 50 (S708b in Supp)
.........................Multi-Tasking - Cartoon (S477b in Supp)
.........................Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S593)
.........................Mother Goose On Grandfathers (S597 in Supp)
.........................80 Year Old Plans To Marry (S531b in Supp)
.........................An Old Man's Dreams (S585c in Supp)
.........................Max And Wally Met In The Park (S530 in Supp)
.........................Why We Don't Take Grandpa To Mardi Gras (S482c in Supp)
.........................Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart (S499 in Supp)
.........................Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench (S635b in Supp)
.........................Mexican In Jewish Nursing Home (S471b in Supp)
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S676 in Supp)
.........................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S729 in Supp)
.........................Three Old Men With The Shakes (in Supp)
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S824 in Supp)
.........................Guessing An Old Man's Age (S468 in Supp)
.........................Three Old Men Talk About Their Problems (S45 in Supp)
.........................Father Sent To Nursing Home (in Supp)
.........................Two Old Men And A Hearing Aid  (S222 in Supp)
.........................A Phone Call To Grandpa - Video (S461)
.........................Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex (S282, S782)
.........................Grandpa Likes Hospital (S289)
.........................Grandpa Sits Without His Pants (S110, S377b)
.........................Two Old Widowers And The Newspaper
.........................Old Man Bribes Junior High Kids (S220)
.........................80 Year Old Has Three Kids (S249b)
.........................90 Year Old Geezer Has Baby (S62, S593b)
.........................Elderly Man Uses Toilet On Bus
.........................60 Year Old Man Discusses Family w/Doctor (S136, S585b)
.........................Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson (S26)
.........................Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office (S166, S604b)
.........................Little Girl Sits On Grandpa's Lap

.........................Old Man Has 100th Birthday
.........................Old Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus (S94, S852)
.........................Man Has Face Lift (S41)

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes

Subj:     Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens (S916d)
          Created and sung by Donnalou Stevens
          From: AFine963 on 8/3/2014
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/O4QzHeUE-CM
 Source2: http://oaklandwiki.org/Donnalou_Stevens
..........Donnalou Stevens said "Life has taught me through opposites what to
..........value and what to create... art that expresses kindness, self-love,
..........laughter, play, gentleness... all the things that were there all
..........along, but just got covered up. I feel like a butterfly.  Everybody's
..........got wings, some just do not know it."  Click 'HERE' to listen to this
..........wonderful music video.

Subj:     Wheel Chair Demon (S170, S837)
          From: mbucher on 5/3/2000
      and From: RDobry on 1/26/2013

 (See 'Blonde Stopped By Cop' in BLONDE1)

 Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to
 charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
 wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long
 corridors. Because she is a few 'sandwiches short of
 a picnic', the other residents tolerate her and some
 actually join in.

 One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
 opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out-
 stretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.  "Have
 you got a license for that thing?"

 Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-
 Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.  "OK" he said, and
 away Ethel sped down the hall.

 As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
 Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
 "STOP!  Have you got proof of insurance?"

 Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster,
 and held it up to him.  Harold nodded, and said "Carry
 on, ma'am."

 As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
 Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked,
 with a very sizable erection in his hand.

 "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

Subj:     Elderly Lady Receives Radio (S195, S550c)
          From: RFSlick on 10/27/2000
      and From: SCOTCOB on 7/28/2007

 This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in
 human kindness.  Someone who teaches at a middle school in
 Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.  The
 letter was sent to the principal's office after the school
 had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An old lady
 received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was
 writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all
 humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift

 Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
 God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
 senior citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the
 Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family
 has passed away.  I am all alone and I want to thank you for
 your kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My roommate is 95
 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one,
 she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was

 The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
 into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.
 She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to
 kiss my ass.

 Thank you for that opportunity.
 Edna Johnston

Subj:     Old Age Chuckle of the Day

 Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with SILVER in their
 hair, GOLD in their teeth, STONES in their kidneys, LEAD in
 their feet, and GAS in their stomach.

 I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few
 changes have come into my life since then.  Frankly, I have
 become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen
 every day.

 As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed.
 Then I go to see JOHN.  Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along, and
 when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
 Then when he leaves, AUTHOR RITIS shows up and stays the
 rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very
 long, so he takes me from joint to joint.  After such a
 busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with BEN
 GAY. What a life!!

 P.S. The preacher came to call the other day.  He said at
 my age I should be thinking about the hereafter.  I told
 him, oh I do all the time.  No matter where I am in the
 parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement,
 I ask myself what am I here after?

Subj:     Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex Activities (S222, DU)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/14/2001

 (See 'Two Old Ladies On The Porch' in ELDERLY4

 Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their
 sexual activities.  The first old woman told the second
 old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at
 night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting
 both legs behind her head, yoga style.

 The second old woman thought that this was a great idea,
 so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to
 get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the
 process of putting her legs behind her head.

 The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
 was a bit arthritic.  However, she finally got it in
 place.  She had an even tougher time with the second leg,
 so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it
 behind her head.  However, she had rocked just a little
 too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got
 stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

 It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
 Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair
 and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole".

Subj:     Old Lady Goes To Rest Home (S306b, S372b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/25/2002
      and From: Imogenelumen on 3/11/2004
 Story, not joke.
 She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud.  She
 is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her
hair fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact she is legally blind.

 Today she has moved to a nursing home.  Her husband of 70
 years recently passed away, making this move necessary.

 After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
 nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when
 told her room was ready.  As she maneuvered her walker to
 the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny
 room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on
her window. the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.
 "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm
  of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a
 new puppy.  "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...
 just wait," I said.

 Then she spoke these words that I will never forget:
 "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
 Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
 Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the
 furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange
 my mind.  I already decided to love it "It's
 a decision I make every morning when I wake
 I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed
 recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my
 body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be
 thankful for the ones that do.
 Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes
 open I'll focus on the new day  and all the happy
 memories I've stored away just for this time in my
 life.  Old age is like a bank account...
 you withdraw from what you've put in.

 My advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness
 in the bank account of memories. Thank you
 for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still

 Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 
 1. Free your heart from hatred.
     2. Free your mind from worries.
         3. Live simply.
              4. Give more.
                  5. Expect less.

Subj:     Two Old Ladies Go To Two Rest Homes (S174, DU)
          From: icohen on 5/24/00

 Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other
 for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends.
 One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "This house
 is becoming to much for us, let's sell it and each move into
 a home for the aged.

 Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were
 soon placed.  Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,
 and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit
 her old friend Mrs. Cohen.  When she arrived she was greeted
 with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "So how do
 you like it here."

 Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the
 facility and the care takers.  She then said, "You know the
 best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

 Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you

 Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on
 the edge of the bed.  I let him touch me on the top, and then
 on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

 Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"

 She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that
 she also had a boyfriend.

 Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"

 "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of
 the bed.  I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch
 me down below."

 Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"

 Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

Subj:     Three Old Ladies Parade Nude (S29, DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-08-07

 (See 'Love Dress...' in NUDIST)

 Three old ladies in a nursing home were trying to get the
 attention of three old men in the home.  One day when the
 old men were sitting on the porch the ladies paraded up
 and down the porch but the men did not appear to notice them.

 The next day the ladies went shopping and bought some very
 attractive clothes, got dressed up paraded on the porch and
 still no reaction from the old men.

 Not knowing what else to do the ladies took all their clothes
 off and paraded up and down the porch completely naked.

 One old man said to another, "I don't know what they are
 wearing today but it sure needs ironing!"

Subj:     Three Old Sisters Live Together (S244b, DU)
          From: Max Weinstein on 8/20/96
      and From: buddy94510 on 10/5/2001

 Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
 One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot
 in and pauses.  She yells down the stairs "was I getting
 in or out of the bath?"

 The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and
 see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses. "was I going
 up the stairs or down?"

 The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
 listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says "I
 sure hope I never get that forgetful".  She knocks on wood
 for good measure.

 She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
 as I see who's at the door."

Subj:     Ellie Wants SUPERSEX (S66, S818)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
      and From: DoctorDebt 9/16/2005

 The girls from the nursing home decided to stop at the local
 bar for a cocktail after their weekly bridge game.

 Ellie had one martini too many and upon here return to the
 home was feeling horney. She took off her panties and put
 them into her handbag and burst into George's room, pulled
 up her dress and shouted - SUPERSEX!!!

 George said "Ellie, for god's sake, my daughter is coming to
 visit and is due any minute.

 Crestfallen, Ellie left but was still feeling horney, so she
 went on down the hall to Jim's room and again burst in, dress
 up, shouting - SUPERSEX!!!

 Jim looked up from his bed and said, "I'd like to help you
 out but this thing hasn't been up in ten years.

 Now Ellie is really depressed, but, she is made of strong stuff.

 Finally she goes to the end of the hall and jumps into Fred's
 room.  Same routine, dress up, shouting - SUPERSEX!!!

 Fred looks at her for a moment and says: "I'll take the soup."

Subj:     Jeanne Calment - Oldest Ever Person: (S1008)
          From AFine963 on 5/6/2015
 Source: http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Jeanne+Calment
 In 1965, aged 90 years and with no heirs, Calment signed a
deal to sell her former apartment to lawyer
André-François Raffray, on a contingency
contract. Raffray, then aged 47 years,
agreed to pay her a monthly sum of 2,500
francs until she died. Raffray ended up
paying Calment the equivalent of more than
$180,000, which was more than double the
apartment's value. After Raffray's death
from cancer at the age of 77, in 1995, his
widow continued the payments until Calment's
 death at the age of 122 years, and 164 days

Subj:     Little Old Lady Meets Bank President (S180, S621b)
          From: ICohen on 7/11/00
      and From: tom on 12/1/2008

 (See 'Bringing Your Lawyer To The IRS' in Tax-Supp)

 A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase
 Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.  She
 told the young man at the window that she wished to take the
 $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the
 bank.  She said that first, though, she wished to meet the
 president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money
 involved.  The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable
 request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles
 of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million,
 telephoned the banker's secretary to obtain an appointment
 for the lady.

 The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
 office.  Introductions were made and she stated that she would
 like to get to know the people she did business with on a more
 personal level.  The bank president then asked her where she
 came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?"
 he asked.

 "No." she answered.

 "Was it from playing the stock market?" he asked because he
 could not think of where this little old lady could possibly
 come into $3 million.

 "No." she answered "I bet."

 "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

 "No." she replied, "I bet people."

 Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets
 different things with people.  All of a sudden she said,
 "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow
 morning, your balls will be square."

 The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
 decided to take her up on the bet.  He didn't see how he
 could lose.  For the rest of the day, the bank president
 was very careful.  He decided to stay home that evening
 and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

 When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he
 checked to make sure everything was okay.  There was no
 difference; he looked the same as he always had.  He went
 to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at
 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.  He knew this would
 be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for
 doing nothing.

 At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into
 his office.  With her was a younger man.  When he inquired
 as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him
 that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when
 there was this much money involved.  "Well," she asked,
 "what about our bet?"

 "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I
 am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."

 The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be
 able to see for herself.  The bank president thought this
 was reasonable and dropped his trousers.  She instructed
 him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him.  Sure
 enough, everything was fine.  The bank president then
 looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room
 banging his head against the wall.

 "What' wrong with him?" he inquired.

 "Oh him,"  she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by
 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president
 of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

Subj:     Three Wishes And A Cat

          See 'Cinderella at 75' in FAIRYTALES

Subj:     Little Old Lady And The Dildoe (DU)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 (Also see 'Little Old Lady Visits Sex Shop' in PUSSY)

 A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and
 asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l
 d-dildoes h-here?"  The saleman, somewhat taken aback by the
 little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes,
 Ma'am. We do."

 The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10
 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout
 th-this lon-ong?"

 "Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

 Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are
 an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

 "Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

 "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

 "Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

 "W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

Subj:     Mother's And Grandmother's Hedgehogs Seen By Son (DU)

 A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath
 naked, and asks her: "Mummy...whasat??"

 His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh,
 son...that's my hedgehog."  And the little boy walks away
 quite happy with the reply.

 The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his
 wrinkly old grandma lying naked in the bath.  He asks her
 what she had between her legs, and again she tries to
 explain that it's a hedgehog.

 The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts:
 "Mummy, Mummy, Grandma's hedgehog is dead!"

 "Why do you say that son?"

 "Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the

Subj:     60 Year Old Woman Hears Voice (DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-04-01

 This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when
 she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100."
 She looked around and didn't see anyone.  Again she heard
 "You will live to be 100."

 Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God.
 I've got 40 more years to live!  So off she went to the
 plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

 When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by
 a bus, died, and went up to heaven.

 She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100.  I
 was supposed to have had 40 more years.  So how come you
 let the bus kill me?".

 God said:  "I didn't recognize you".



Subj:     A Phone Call To Grandpa (S461) 
          From: darrell94590 on 11/16/2005 (in Phone)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/jcl9zP2o_Dk

 A very cute, short, sexy video.  You can view it on my
 site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex (S282, S782)
          From: auntiegah on 3/12/2006
      and From: allenbergman on 1/9/2012

 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
 usual park bench one morning.  The 87 year old had just
 finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

 The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
 asked him what he did  to have so much energy.  The 87
 year old said, "Well, I eat Wheat bread every day.  It
 keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
 stamina with the ladies."

 So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery.
 As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed
 any help.

 He said  "Do you have any Wheat bread?"

 She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you
 like some?"

 He said,  "I want 5 loaves."

 She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...  by the time you get
 to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

 He replied,  "I can't believe it, everybody knows about
 this shit but me."

Subj:     Grandpa Likes Hospital (S289)
          From: thebartend on 4/30/99
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/12/2002

 Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
 "How are you grandpa? he asks.

 "Feeling fine," says the old man.

 "What's the food like?"
 "Terrific, wonderful menus."

 "And the nursing?"
 "Just couldn't be better.
  These young nurses really take care of you."

 "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"
 "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate
 and a Viagra tablet ...  and that's it.
 "I go out like a light."

 The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
 so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

 "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're
 giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely
 that can't be true?"

 "Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

 "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate
 and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The
 chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from
 rolling out of  bed."

Subj:     Grandpa Sits Without His Pants (S110, S377b)
          From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-27
      and From: jbcary1 on 4/4/2004

 A man is walking down the street past his grandparent's house
 when he sees his grandfather sitting on the front porch swing
 with his pants off.  Concerned, the man approaches the house
 and asks if his grandfather is alright.  Confused, the grand-
 father replies, "Oh, I'm fine.  Why do you ask?" The man says
 "Well grandpa, you are sitting on the front porch with your
 pants off?!?!" "Oh that," replies the grandfather.  "I was
 sitting on the front porch last night with my shirt off and I
 got a stiff neck.  This was your grandma's idea."

Subj:     Two Old Widowers And The Newspaper
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #260 on 98-10-29

 Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close
 to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
 Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather
 than real friendship or personal affection.

 One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the
 morning paper and turns to the 'Obits' page.  He gets the
 shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the
 column.  He realizes that the query for info on him by the
 local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation
 for this event.  He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken
 entry from their database, premature and erroneous..

 It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
 "Jake, are you up yet?"

 Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my

 "Jake.  Open the newspaper to page 31."

 "Why, what's in the paper?"

  "Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

  "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

  "Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

 "All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in
 the morning already.  So, what's on page 31 that's so

 "Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

 "Why? What's that story on?"

 "Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

 "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling
 in my ear!"

 The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause
 ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully,
 "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

Subj:     Old Man Bribes Junior High Kids (S220)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/14/2001

 A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home
 near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
 of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new
 school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys,
 full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his
 street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
 The crashing percussion continued day after day, until
 finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some
 action.  The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the
 young percussionists as they banged their way down the
 street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
 fun.  I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
 In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
 Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
 you'll promise to come around every day and do your
 thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-
 up job on the trashcans.

 After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but
 this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's
 really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From
 now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the

 The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted
 his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days
 later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed
 their way down the street.

 "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check
 yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25
 cents.  Will that be okay?"

 "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
 we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for
 a quarter, you're nuts!  No way, mister.  We quit!"  And the
 old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Subj:     80 Year Old Has Three Kids (S249b)
          From: ICohen on 11/1/2001

 It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married
 a 20-year-old girl.  After a year she went into the hospital
 to give birth.

 The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow.  "This is
 amazing.  How do you do it at your age?"  He answered,
 "You've got to keep that old motor running."

 The following year she gave birth again.  The same nurse
 said, "You really are amazing.  How do you do it?"  He
 again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

 The same thing happened the next year.  The nurse said,
 "You must be quite a man."  He responded, "You've got to
 keep that old motor running."  The nurse then said, "Well,
 you had better change the oil, this one's black."

Subj:     90 Year Old Geezer Has Baby (S62, S593b)
          From: RBishop707 on 97-10-22
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/4/2008

 An 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly

 When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,
 "Things are just great and I've never felt better.  I now
 have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
 So what do you think about that Doc?"

 The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then
 began to tell a story.  "I have an elderly friend, much
 like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
 One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
 hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
 of his gun.  As he neared a lake, he came across a very
 large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.  He
 realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
 shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised
 his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
 favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'."

 "Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
 dead.  Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.

 The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said, "Logic would
 strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of
 rounds into that beaver."

 The Doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Subj:     Elderly Man Uses Toilet On Bus

 A terible thing happened the other day, on our coaches way
 to the Rock Essthingy Grand Final in Sydney.  The driver
 made an announcement, that no passengers should use the on
 bus toilet, as there was a problem with the lock and the
 door, just as an old man, one of the dancer's grandfathers,
 had gone in and started about his buisness.

 We rounded a corner, and there was this horrendous thump,
 and pitiful shit, as the poor old coot became unthroned,
 and fell out the door.  There he lay on the floor, pants
 down around his ankles, and his shrivelled old penis there
 for the world to see.

 The rotten thing, was that one of the old ladies sitting
 on the aisle near where he landed had a stroke.

 But the one next to her, was really pissed off, cause she
 couldn't reach.

Subj:     60 Year Old Man Discusses Family w/Doctor (S136, S585b)
          From: JCary on 9/3/99
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/4/2008

 A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up.  The doctor
 told him,  "You're in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong
 with you.  Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a
 35 year old.  By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

 The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"  The doctor
 was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

 The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he
 still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times
 a week during the summer."

 The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he said, "Well, how old was
 your grandfather when he died?"

 The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

 The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You mean to tell me you are
 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive?
 Is your grandfather very active?"

 The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
 surfing once a week during the summer.  Not only that," said the
 patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is
 getting married again."

 The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather
 want to get married?"

 His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
 wanted to?"

Subj:     Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson (S26)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-17
      and From: RFSlick on 4/4/2001

 The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
 grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
 His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you
 want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.
 Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
 Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.  When
 you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...
 maybe on your anniversary.

 The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about
 you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just
 have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

 "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I
 go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I
 holler back, 'Fuck You too.'

Subj:     Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office (S166, S604b)
          From: gheckman on 04/04/2000
      and From: darrellvip on 8/2/2008

 A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office
 to sign up for his benefits.  Upon his arrival the clerk
 asked for proof of his age.  When he reached for his wallet
 the embarassed man realized he had left it home.

 After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied:
 "Don't worry, just open your shirt and if your chest hair
 is gray you will qualify."  The senior citizen opened up
 his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.

 Upon arriving home he related the story to his wife.  She
 looked at him, smiled and said "too bad you didn't drop
 your drawers--you would have qualified for disability too!

Subj:     Little Girl Sits On Grandpa's Lap
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #177

 A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

 "Why sure you can." her grandfather replied.

 As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa,
 can you make a sound like a frog?"

 "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound
 like a frog."

 The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a
 sound like a frog?"

 Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want
 me to make a sound like a frog?"

 And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when
 you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Subj:     Old Man Has 100th Birthday

 Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday.  All
 his freinds get together and send him a woman.  She
 knocks at his door and he answers it to find every man's
 dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you
 supersex.  He says to the young lady - thanks for coming
 over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

Subj:     Old Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus (S94, S852)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
      and From: virv on 5/8/2013

 A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.  He's got spiked,
 multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.  His
 clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.  His legs are
 bare and he's without shoes.  His entire face and body are
 riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright

 He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an
 old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.  Finally,
 the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What
 are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything
 wild when you were young?"

 Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when
 I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in
 Singapore, and had sex with a parrot.  I thought maybe you were
 my son."

Subj:     Man Has Face Lift (S41)
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-10

 (see 'Old Woman Guesses Old Man's Age' in Elderly4)

 A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.  He
 spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.  On
 his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
 Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you
 don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
 says happily.

 A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and
 asks the order taker the same question, to which the
 reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

 "Nope, I am actually 47."  He's starting to feel really
 good about himself.  While standing at the bus stop he
 asks an old woman the same question.  She replies, "I
 am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But when I
 was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.
 If I put my hand down your pants and play with your
 balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
 age."  As there was no one else around the man thought
 what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

 Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.
 You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you
 do that?"

 The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central