Subj:     Elderly3 Jokes, oddities
                 (Includes 25 jokes and articles, 27989,6,cf,vYT2,3)

          Click "Here" for Elderly3-Supp
          Click "Here" for Elderly3-Supp2

Spinning Head from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Pickles Comic Strip II (S885 in Supp2)
.........................Troubling New E-Mail Virus (S823 in Supp2)
.........................Senior Moments By Golf Brooks (S802 in Supp2)
.........................Thoughts On Aging (S172 in Supp2)
.........................IronWorkz, A Rock Band - Video (S684 in Supp)
.........................Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder - Video (S785)
.........................How To Live To Be 100 And Over - Video (S678 in Supp)
.........................Battle Hymn of the Baby Boomers - Video (S651 in Supp)
.........................Drill Team For Retired Guys - Video (S636 in Supp)
.........................Question-Answers About Retirement (S525b in Supp)
.........................Retirees: Question And Answer (S467 in Supp)
.........................Aunty Acid Coffee Cup (S989 in Supp)
.........................Quotes About Grandkids And Grandparents (S505b in Supp)
.........................Letter From Grandma (S419 in Supp)
.........................What Is A Grandparent (S575b in Supp)
.........................The Over 40 Test (S390b in Supp)
.........................Too Soon Old - Poem (S634 in Supp)
.........................Life As We Once Knew It (S371b in Supp)
.........................The Wheels Of Time (S474b in Supp)
.........................Growing Old (S363 in Supp)
.........................On Old Age (S403 in Supp)
.........................We Survived Being Kids (S303 in Supp)
.........................Colored Pills - Poem (S542c)
.........................The Sinister Plot (S300b in Supp)
.........................Nursing Home Orgy (S584c in Supp)
.........................Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons (S299 in Supp)
.........................Important Message About Getting Older (S585b in Supp)
.........................Are You Lonesome Tonight - Song (S297 in Supp)
.........................The ABC's of Aging... (S602c in Supp)
.........................Old Geezers (S290 in Supp)
.........................Opus On Getting Old (S605c in Supp)
.........................How Old Is Grandpa? (S275b in Supp)
.........................Two Generations Argue (S648b in Supp)
.........................Pickles Comic Strips (S685 in Supp)
.........................Pickles Comic Strips II (S712 in Supp)
.........................Kopf Cartoon (S789 in Supp)
.........................Pickles Comic Strip (S806)
.........................Jeanne Robertson Humorist - Video (S678b)
.........................Age Barometer (S135)
.........................You're Not Old UNLESS You Can Remember ..... (S108)
.........................Do You Remember These - Video (S525b)
.........................26 Signs You've Already Grown Up (S242b)
.........................Being Diagnosed With AAADD (S238, S523)
.........................History Exam (S442)
.........................Baby Boomers - Then And Now (S107, S343)
.........................Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exam (S92)
.........................Little Quirks About Life You Notice By Fifty
.........................Maxine On Fashion - Cartoon (S472c)
.........................Old Is Just A State Of Mind? (S95)
.........................You Know You're Getting Older When: (S201)
.........................Signs You Are Getting Older:
.........................Age Is A Funny Thing (S259b, S645b)
.........................On Aging (S150)
.........................Retirement (S28)
.........................Poem About Forgetting (S220b)
.........................Dr. Seuss On The Golden Years (S282)
.........................Retirement Thru The Eyes Of A Child (S213, S627b)
.........................Games For When We Are Older (S213, S487b)
.........................The Senility Prayer And Discoveries (S178)
.........................Some Great Things About Getting Older (S155, S366b)
.........................Short Elderly Jokes
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S871 in Supp2)
..............................Doorstop (S796 in Supp2)

Also see ELDERLY4 file- 'Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games'
......................- 'A Man's Success'
......................- 'Life's A Test - And You're Grades on A Curve'

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S806)
          By Brian Crane on 6/18/2012
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2012/06/18
Subj:     Jeanne Robertson Humorist (S678b, S813)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 1/7/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/L1_W0LCHwK4

 Jeanne Robertson, award-winning humorist, professional
 speaker discusses elderly, nude bungee jumping.  This
 video clip is from Jeanne's DVD Flat Out Funny!  Click
 on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
 this very funny speaker.

Subj:     Age Barometer (S135)
          From: collins2 on 8/29/99

 I'm older than dirt...How old are you?  Find out by
 taking this test.  How many do you remember ?

  1. Blackjack chewing gum
  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  3. Candy cigarettes
  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
  5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
     with cardboard stoppers
  7. Party lines
  8. Newsreels before the movie
  9. P F. Flyers
 10. Butch wax
 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
 12. Pea shooters
 13. Howdy Doody
 14. 45 RPM records
 15. S?H Green Stamps
 16. Hi-fi's
 17. Metal ice trays with levers
 18. Mimeograph paper
 19. Blue flashbulbs
 20. Beanie and Cecil
 21. Roller skate keys
 22. Cork popguns
 23. Drive-ins
 24. Studebakers
 25. Wash tub wringers

 If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
 If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
 If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
 If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Subj:     You're Not Old UNLESS You Can Remember ..... (S108)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-10

 Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
 When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk
    and sodas.
 When there were two types of sneakers for boys.
 When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
 When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
 When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
 When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
 When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
 When a dime was a decent allowance,
    and a quarter a huge bonus.
 When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
 When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school,
    if then.
 When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
 When all your male teachers wore a neckties and
    the female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
 When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked,
    and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time.
    And you got trading stamps to boot!
 When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes
    or towels hidden inside the box.
 When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or
    use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the
    kid, thought a thing of it.
 When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out
    to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
 When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they
    failed...and did!
 When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
    compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student
    at home.

Subj:     Do You Remember These (S525b,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 2/5/2007
 Source: (Removed from oldfortyfives.com)

 This video is a wonderful trip down memory lane. The
 background music is excellent.  You can view it on
 my site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     26 Signs You've Already Grown Up (S242b)
          From: ICohen on 9/20/2001

 (Also see 'You Know You're An Adult When ...' in MEN1)

 a. Your potted plants stay alive.
 b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
 c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
 d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
 e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
 f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
 g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup
    and breakup.
 h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
 i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
 j. You're the one calling the police because those darn
    kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
 k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
    around you.
 l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
 m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
 n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
 o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
 p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
 q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the
    beginning of one.
 r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
 s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
    not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
 t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
 u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
 v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni ? cheese,
    diet Pepsi ? Ding Dongs.
 w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
    "I'm never going to drink that much again."
 x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
    is for real work.
 y. You don't drink at home to save money before
    going to a bar.
 z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that
    doesn't apply to you.

Subj:     Being Diagnosed With AAADD (S238, S523)
          From: JBCARY1 on 8/20/2001
      and From: jbcary1 on 1/19/2007

 (Also see "Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder" in Elderly3-Supp)

 Now I have an excuse!   This also applies to the work world!

 I just wanted to let you know that I recently was diagnosed
 with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

 This is how it manifests:

 I decide to water my garden.

 As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car
 and decide my car needs washing.

 As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
 the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

 I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
 garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

 So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
 the garbage first.

 But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
 I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills

 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
 one check left.

 My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside
 the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had
 been drinking.

 I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
 Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.  I
 realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
 it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers
 on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

 I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
 glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

 I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm
 going to water the flowers.

 I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
 with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.  Someone left
 it on the kitchen table.

 I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
 looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
 the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
 where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

 I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it
 spills on the floor.

 So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
 and wipe up the spill.

 Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
 planning to do.

 At the end of the day:

 the driveway is flooded

 the car isn't washed,

 the bills aren't paid,

 there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

 there is still only one check in my check book,

 I can't find the remote,

 I can't find my glasses,

 and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

 Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done
 today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
 all day long, and I'm really tired.

 I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to
 get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 Do me a favor, will you?  Forward this message to
 everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have
 sent it to.

 Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Subj:     History Exam (S442)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/10/2005
Drawing from eHow.com

 Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.
 If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.  Click 'HERE'
 to try this cute, fun exam.

Subj:     Baby Boomers - Then And Now (S107, S343)
          From: Anaise on 99-02-10
      and From: drgolfmd on 8/24/2003

 Then: Killer Weed
  Now: Weed Killer

 Then: Getting caught with Hustler magazine
  Now: Getting caught by Hustler magazine

 Then: Hoping for a BMW
  Now: Hoping for a BM

 Then: The Grateful Dead
  Now: Dr. Kevorkian

 Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
  Now: Getting a new hip joint

 Then: Moving to California because it's cool
  Now: Moving to California because it's warm

 Then: Being called into the principal's office
  Now: Storming into the principal's office

 Then: Peace Sign
  Now: Mercedes Logo

 Then: OJ, cutting and slashing
  Now: OJ, cutting and slashing

 Then: Getting your head stoned
  Now: Getting your headstone

 Then: "The Making of the President"
  Now: The making of the President

 Then: "Going blind"
  Now: REALLY going blind

 Then: Long hair
  Now: Longing for hair

 Then: Acid rock
  Now: Acid reflux

 Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
  Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

 Then: President Johnson
  Now: The President's johnson

 Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
  Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

 Then: The perfect high
  Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

 Then: Elvis in the army
  Now: Elvis in a UFO

 Then: Keg
  Now: EKG

 Then: Swallowing acid
  Now: Swallowing antacid

 Then: You're growing pot
  Now: Your growing pot

 Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
  Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

 Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
  Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

 Then: Passing the driving test
  Now: Passing the vision test

 Then: Seeds and stems
  Now: Roughage

 Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
  Now: Popping joints

 Then: Whatever...
  Now: Depends

 Then: "Off the pigs"
  Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"

 Then: Ommmmmm
  Now: Ummmmm

 Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
  Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

Subj:     Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exam (S92)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-01

 Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of
 course. Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this
 one without thinking, close up the test, and move on to some-
 thing else. We have nothing further to discuss. ]

 Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____   _____!"
 Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born.
 But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.

 "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ________ _______ _______.

 What do M?M's do? _____  ___  ______  ________ , _____ ___
 _____ _______ .

 What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ________  ________.

 Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The
 Greatest, we knew him was _________ _________.

 "You'll wonder where the yellow went,
 _____  ____  ______  _____ ______  _____ ___________."

 Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know
 Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true
 boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest
 friend, _____________ G. _____________.

 "M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ______?
 __________ ____ _______ ______."

 Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running
 through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ________________.

 "Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."

 Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _______  _____.

 From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish
 this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______
 _______ ______ ______ ____ ________."

 And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
 "War... uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for?
 __________ ___________."

 This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the
 question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers
 gone?  Perhaps you could use a little help here: "Where
 have all the flowers gone, long time passing?  Where have
 all the flowers gone, long time ago?  Where have all the
 flowers gone? ____  ___  _________ _____  ___."

 Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a
 never-ending battle for truth, justice, and
 ______ _______________ __________.

 He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one
 of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, and
 later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing
 women's stockings.  He is Broadway _______  _____________.

 "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm
 strong to the finish, ______  __  _____ ___ _______ .  I'm
 Popeye the sailor man."

 Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently
 played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when
 Peter was played by  ___________  _____________.

 In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by
 Dustin Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to
 consider one thing:  _______________.

 In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played
 Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for
 cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter.
 When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape,
 the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this
 experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
 "What we have here, ____ ___ __________ _____ _____________."

 In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after
 losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement
 from politics.  "Just think, you won't have ________
 ____________ to kick around any more."

 "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive;  He
 stood six foot, six, weighted 245.  Kinda' broad at the
 shoulder, and narrow at the hip.  And everybody knew you
 didn't give no lip,  _____  ______  ________."

 "I found my thrill, _____  ____________  __________________."
 You may remember Riche Cunningham singing this.  But if you
 are a true boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this
 line famous.

 "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________  ____  ____ ." This
 originated long before even the first of us boomers was born.
 But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some

 "Good night, David." "_________ __________ , __________."

 "Liar, liar, ______  ___  _____ ."

 "When it's least expected, you're elected;  You're the star
 today.  Smile! _______  ___  _______  _______ ."

 From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic
 strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ___
 ___ ___ ."

 Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? _______________.

 From: humorlist-digest V3 #1 on 99-01-01

  1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star
  2. Oh my!
  3. It's Howdy Doody Time
  4. Melt in Your mouth, not in your hands.
  5. Wonder Bread
  6. Cassius Clay
  7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent  ( from Ira)
  8. Maynard G. Krebs
  9. Why, because we like you!
 10. Naked
 11. A little dab will do 'ya.
 12. over 30
 13. Who wrote the book of love?
 14. Absolutely nothing
 15. Gone to graveyards every one
 16. and the American Way
 17. Joe Namath aka Broadway Joe
 18. Cause I eat my spinach
 19. Mary Martin
 20. plastics
 21. is a failure to communicate (maybe)
 22. Dick Nixon
 23. Big Bad John
 24. on Blueberry Hill (Gene Autrey had a big hit with it a
     generation BEFORE Fats Domino.)
 25. wherever you are
 26. Goodnight,  Chet  (Chet Huntley)
 27. pants on fire
 29. you're on Candid Camera
 30. the Big Bopper

Subj:     Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You
          Are Fifty and, er, Sixty. (S88)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-10-06

 1. Most People deserve each other.

 2. All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

 3. The one who snores, will fall asleep first.

 4. The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
    to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

 5. The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos
    as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

 6. Never get overly excited about a man/woman
    by just the way they look from behind.

 7. If you help a relative in need .......
    he or she will remember you the next time they are in need.

 8. The probability of meeting someone you know increases
    greatly when you are out with someone you do not want
    to be seen with.

 9. Toothaches always start on Friday night right before
    the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Subj:     Maxine On Fashion (S472c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/27/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Old Is Just A State Of Mind? (S95)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-21

 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything
    else starts to fall out, or spread out.
 There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of
    memory, the other two I forget.
 You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
    just as long you don't have to go along.
 Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot
    more work.
 Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five
    women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a
    guy to get those odds?
 You know you're getting on in years when the girls
    at the office start confiding in you.
 Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
 By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
    he's too old to go anywhere.
 Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
    and have begun to grow in the middle.
 Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that
    I'm too old to enjoy.
 A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to
    slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
 Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
    choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
 Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
    it will avoid you.
 You know you're into middle age when you realize that
    caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 To older folks, "getting a little action" means they don't
    need to take a laxative.
 The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work
    its way through Congress.
 You're getting old when getting lucky means
    you find your car in the parking lot.
 You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker
    and you can't get it started.
 You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
    and you don't know till the 4th of July.
 You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
    feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
 The cardiologist's diet to help you live longer:
    if it tastes good, spit it out.
 Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
    the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
 It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
 You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Subj:     You Know You're Getting Older When: (S201)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/3/2000
      and From: pns on 6/8/2001

 You and your teeth don't sleep together.
 Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks
    and discover you aren't wearing any.
 At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
    you're not eating cereal.
 Your back goes out, but you stay home.
 When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
 It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
 When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
 When happy hour is a nap.
 When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before
    your money does.
 When you say something to your kids that your mother said
    to you, and you always hated it.
 When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded
    of your age.
 When you step off a curb and look down one more time to
    make sure the street is still there.
 Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
 It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
 Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
 Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
 You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
 The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
 Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
 The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
    sun on your bifocals.
 It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
 Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
 You look for your glasses for half an hour, and
    they were on your head the whole time.
 You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
 You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
 You have more patience, but it is actually that
    you just don't care anymore.
 You finally get your head together and your body
    starts falling apart.
 You wonder how you could be over the hill when
    you don't even remember being on top of it.
 Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
    you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
 Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
    and you're barefoot.
 A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
    opens the garage door.
 You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
    you don't have to go along.
 You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
    of by the police.
 "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any
    fiber today."
 "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
 An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

From: other sources

 Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
 The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
 You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
 Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
 You get winded playing chess.
 Your children begin to look middle aged.
 You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
 A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
 You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
 You look forward to a dull evening.
 You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
 Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
 You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
    romantic ones.
 Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
 You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
 After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest
    before applying a second coat.
 Dialing long distance wears you out.
 You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
 You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
 The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
 You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
 Your back goes out more often than you do.
 A fortune teller offers to read your face.
 The little grey haired lady you help across the street
    is your wife.
 You have too much room in the house and not enough room
    in the medicine cabinet.

Subj:     Signs You Are Getting Older:
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #13 on 98-01-14

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 You can live without sex but not without glasses.
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
     who walks into the room.
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 You are proud of your lawn mower.
 Your best friend is dating someone half his age .....
     and isn't breaking any laws.
 You call Olan Mills before they call you.
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
 You consider coffee one of the most important things
     in life.
 You make an appointment to see the dentist.
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 Neighbors borrow your tools.
 People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
 You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
 You send money to PBS.
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
     of your pants.
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 You know what the word "equity" means.
 You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
     to watch television.
 Your ears are hairier than your head.
 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to
    someone's lawn.
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 You got cable for the weather channel.
 You can go bowling without drinking.
 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Subj:     Age Is A Funny Thing (S259b, S645b)
          From: Cypriot on 1/11/2002
      and From: tom on 5/18/2009
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/glurge/aging.asp

 From "The Aging Process" By George Carlin

 Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like
 to get old is when we're kids?  If you're less than 10 years
 old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
 How old are you? --- I'm 4 and half --- You're never 36 and a
 half --- you're 4 and a half going on 5!

 That's the key.  You get into your teens, now they can't hold
 you back.  You jump to the next number.  How old are you?
 I'm gonna be 16.  You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

 And then the greatest day of your life happens ... you become
 21!  You see, even the words sound like a ceremony ... you
 BECOME 21 ... YES!!!!

 But then you turn 30 ... ooohhh what happened there??  Makes
 you sound like bad milk ... He TURNED, we had to throw him
 out.  There's no fun now.

 What's wrong??  What changed???  You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
 then you're PUSHING 40 ... stay over there, it's all
 slipping away ...

 You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50
 ... my dreams are gone ...

 And then, you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you
 REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60 ... I didn't think I'd
 make it.

 And then, you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you
 REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, ... by then you build up so
 much speed ... you HIT 70!!!!!

 After that, it's a day by day thing.  After that you HIT
 Wednesday ... you get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.  You
 TURN 4:30.  My grandmother won't even buy green bananas.
 "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

 And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90's, you start going
 backwards ... I was JUST 92.  Then a strange thing happens,
 if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again ...
 I'm 100 and a half!!!!!

 This is a nice article, but it was NOT written by George Carlin.
 For details see http://www.snopes.com/glurge/aging.asp.

Subj:     On Aging (S150)
          From: RFSlick on 12/14/1999

  1.  I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

  2.  I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

  3.  Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

  4.  My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
      with a glance.

  5.  I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could
      have seen it.

  6.  This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!

  7.  If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.

  8.  If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast,
       cheap, or easy.

  9.  Discover Wildlife!  Have Kids!

 10.  "Genuine Antique Person". Been there, done that,
      can't remember!

 11.  Our policy is to always blame the computer.

 12.  Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

 13.  Take my advice, I'm not using it!

 14.  Okay!  I love you!  Now can we eat?

 15.  You know you're getting old when you stop to think
      and forget to start again.

 16.  Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you
      for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

 17.  I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the
      kids would you like?

 18.  I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

 19.  By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
      climb the fence!

 20.  This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

 21.  I quit jogging for health reasons.  My thighs rubbed
      together so much it caught my underwear on fire!

 22.  Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
      the feeling passes.

Subj:     Retirement (S28)
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997

 My nookie days are over,
 My pilot light is out.
 What used to be my sex appeal,
 Is now my water spout.
 Time was when of its own accord
 From my trousers it would spring no more,
 But now I have a fulltime job
 To find the BLASTED thing!
 It used to be embarrassing,
 The way it would behave,
 For every single morning,
 It would stand and watch me shave.
 As old age approaches,
 It sure gives me the blues,
 To see it hang its withered head,
 And watch me tie my shoes.

Subj:     Poem About Forgetting (S220b)
          From: RFSlick on 4/16/2001

 My forgetter's getting better
  But my rememberer is broke
 To you that may seem funny but,
  To me, that is no joke

 For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
  If I really should be "there"
 And, when I try to think it through,
  I haven't got a prayer!

 Oft times I walk into a room,
  Say "what am I here for?"
 I wrack my brain, but all in vain
  A zero, is my score.

 At times I put something away
  Where it is safe, but, Gee!
 The person it is safest from
  Is, generally, me!

 When shopping I may see someone,
  Say "Hi" and have a chat,
 Then, when the person walks away
  I ask myself, "who's that?"

 Yes, my forgetter's getting better
  While my rememberer is broke,
 And it's driving me plumb crazy
  And that isn't any joke.

 Don't forget to laugh!

Subj:     Dr. Seuss On The Golden Years (S282)
          From: pns on 6/25/2002

 I cannot see
 I cannot pee
 I cannot chew
 I cannot screw
 Oh My God What can I do
 My memory shrinks
 My hearing stinks
 No sense of smell
 I look like hell!
 My mood is bad--can you tell?
 My body's drooping
 Have trouble pooping
 The Golden Years have come at last
 The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

 Dr. Seus

 Click 'Here'to see graphics version

Subj:     Retirement Thru The Eyes Of A Child (S213, S627b)
          From: gheckman on 3/2/2001
      and From: ginafm on 1/12/2009

 Retirement in a trailer park thru the eyes of a child

 After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how
 they spent the holidays.  One child wrote the following:

 "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and
 Grandpa.  They used to live here in a big brick house, but
 Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

 Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
 They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
 like grass.  They ride around on big tricycles and wear name
 tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

 They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must
 have got it fixed, because it is all right now.  They play
 games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

 There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in
 it with their hats on.  I guess they don't know how to swim.
 At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man
 sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.
 Sometimes they sneak out.  Then they go cruising in their golf

 My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she
 forgot how.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they
 eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds".  Some of the
 people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out.
 So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked
 center and call it pot luck.

 My Grandma says Grandpa's worked all his life to earn his
 retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
 some day too.  When I earn my retardment I  want to be the
 man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out so they
 can visit their grandchildren.'

Subj:     Games For When We Are Older (S213, S487b)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/2/2001
      and From: vaterbenicia on 5/21/2006

  1. Sag, You're it

  2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

  3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

  4. Kick the bucket

  5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

  6. Doc Goose

  7. Simon says something incoherent.

  8. Hide and go pee

  9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

 10. Musical recliners

Subj:     The Senility Prayer And Discoveries (S178)
          From: gheckman on 6/29/00

 God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked
 anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
 the eyesight to tell the difference.

 Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
  1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2.  My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  3.  I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
  4.  Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  5.  All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
  6.  If all is not lost, where is it?
  7.  It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  8.  Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  9.  I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
     you're in the bathroom.
 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
     them on my knees.
 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
     everyone decide to play chess?
 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
     hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then
     wonder what I'm here after.

Subj:     Some Great Things About Getting Older
          (cough, cough) (S155, S366b)
          From: RFSlick on 01/17/2000
      and From: Grampsboyd on 1/31/2004
 * Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
 * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
   to pay off.
 * Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
 * It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges
   to stick.
 * If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have
   time to hurt you.
 * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
 * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
   remember them either.
 * Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
 * Your eyes won't get much worse.
 * Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
 * Things you buy now won't wear out.
 * No one expects you to run into a burning building.
 * You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.
 * There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.
 * Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets.
 * There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
 * Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
 * Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important
   as it used to be.
 * Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.
 * You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.
 * No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half
   a cow to freeze.
 * You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.
 * Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically
 * You don't have to bother planting perennials.
 * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

                           -(o o)-
...............................Smiley grows Old from Smiley_Central.