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Subj:    Elderly4, long and short jokes
               (Includes 93 jokes and articles, 21979,6,cf,md4wYT,4)

         Click "Here" for Elderly4-Supp
 


Elderly Shouting from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  Have We Been Burgled? - Cartoon (S979)
.........................A Group Of Elderly Tour Holland (S552 in Supp)
.........................The Zimmers "My Generation" (S581 in Supp)
.........................Stroll Down Memory Lane (S601c in Supp)
.........................Elderly Couple Meets On The Beach (S636 in Supp)
.........................Back To The Sixties (S601b in Supp)
.........................Have You Seen This Lady At Your House (in Supp)
.........................
.........................The Soul Inside - Painting (S884)
.........................Fritz Coleman On Aging - Video (S935)
.........................Exercise For Seniors (S428, DU)
.........................Old Couple Take Memory Course (S401b, S675b)
.........................Elderly Man Proposes Marriage (S399b)
.........................Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife (S389b, S629b)
.........................Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife II (S498)
.........................Older Couple Get Romantic (S371, S629)
.........................Unrealized Benefits of Exercise (S369b)
.........................Elderly Man Calls Wife Pet Names (S291)
.........................Dentist In Same High School Class (S268, S844)
.........................Old Man Swaps Lady Friends (S199, S461)
.........................Old Woman Guesses Old Man's Age (S295b)
.........................Man In Rocking Chair With No Pants (S354)
.........................Happy Old Man In Rocking Chair (S273e)
.........................Marrying A Younger Woman
.........................Old Man Marries Young Woman
.........................Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2 (S229)
.........................Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 3 (S327b)
.........................The Cartoon 'I'm So Old' (S415b)
.........................Mr. Schwartz Sells Sex (S71, S465b)
                         Short Elderly Jokes
..............................Happy Hour (S776 in Supp)
..............................Jerry Holbert Cartoon (S773 in Supp)
..............................Sex At 83! (S717 in Supp)
..............................Pickles Comic Strip (S701b in Supp)
..............................When I Was A Kid (S744 in Supp)
..............................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S663b in Supp)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S630b in Supp)
..............................Newly Retired Man Gets Up Late (S686 in Supp)
..............................Momma Comics On Elderly Dating (S598b in Supp)
..............................Word Of The Day: Exhaustipated - Button (S800 in Supp)
..............................In My Eyes (S555c in Supp)
..............................Now That I'm Older - Sign (S546b in Supp)
..............................Florida Squirrel (S543b in Supp)
..............................Inside Every Old Person - Sign (S541c in Supp)
..............................Frank And Ernest On Retirement (S539 in Supp)
..............................Senior's T-Shirt (S530b in Supp)
..............................Two Elderly Gents Talk (S528b in Supp)
..............................My Life In A Pie Chart (S501c in Supp)
..............................
..............................You Know You Are Old If... (S432b)
..............................Boy Loses Gramdpa At Mall (S405b)
..............................Elderly Couple At Restaurant (S427)
..............................Elderly Accident - Poem (S398b)
..............................Old Mother Hubbard Poem (S388)
..............................Sick Old Man Is Grateful (S373)
..............................Old Man Has Physical With Wife (S359)
..............................Drawings: Senior Moments (S348b)
..............................Little Old Lady Offers Sex (S313)
..............................Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S296b)
..............................Elderly And Young Couples Discuss Sex (S179)
..............................Senior Citizens Are Thankful (S156)
..............................Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games (S128)
..............................Old Man Wants Viagra (S121, S509c)
..............................Old Man Wants Viagra II (S303b)
..............................A Man's Success (S121, S390)
..............................Life's A Test And You're Grades on A Curve(S220)
..............................Three Old Ladies At The Home (S386b)
..............................Three Elderly Ladies And The Flasher (S116, S499)
..............................Man Phones Mom In Florida
..............................Elderly Pearls Of Wisdom (S261)

ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     The Soul Inside - Painting (S884d)
          From: AFine963 on 12/13/2013
 source: https://www.strongspace.com/postfarm/public/postfarm/
.........uploads-2.0/_/6c0416e111261bc7699c888ed788658b.jpg
.

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Click
to see a larger copy.
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Top
Subj:     Fritz Coleman On Aging (S935d)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 12/7/2014
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic

 The Senior Conference On Aging was held at the First Church
 of the Nazarene of Pasadena. The keynote speaker was Fritz
 Coleman, NBC4's weathercaster in Southern California, who
 is a broadcasting icon.  Click on the above source, or
 'HERE' for my copy, to watch Fritz who is very funny and
 loaded with jokes about growing old.

Top
Subj:     Exercise For Seniors (S428, DU)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 4/13/2005

 Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to
 build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems
 so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger
 friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
 plenty of room at each side.

 With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
 straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long
 as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

 Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
 just a bit longer.

 After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

 Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to
 where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand
 and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

 After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
 each of the sacks; but be careful.

Top
Subj:     Old Couple Take Memory Course (S401b, S675b)
          From: DafterLafter on 7/24/2004

 Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering
 things, so they sign up for a memory course.  The course
 is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called
 word/name association.  They come home and tell all their
 relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

 Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he
 tends the garden.  "Say, Ed, what was the name of the
 instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

 "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...  What's
 the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells
 so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

 "You mean a rose?"

 "Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what
 was the memory course instructor's name?"

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Proposes Marriage (S399b)
          From: DafterLafter on 9/10/2004

 There were these two elderly people living in a Florida
 mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They
 had known one another for a number of years.

 One evening there was a community supper in the big activity
 center. These two were at the same table, across from one
 another.  As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances
 at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will
 you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful
 consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

 The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
 went to their respective places. Next morning, he was
 troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
 couldn't remember.  Try as he would, he just could not
 recall. Not even a faint memory.

 With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
 First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
 as he used to.  Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
 As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
 "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
 did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why,
 I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

 Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
 because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife (S389b, S629b)
          From: Anonymous Jr on July 7,2004
      and From: ginafm on 8/19/2007

 Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
 the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very
 sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off
 with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over
 Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

 His buddies at the club are all aghast.  They corner him
 and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

 Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

 They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
 persuade her to marry you?"

 Bob says, "I lied about my age."

 His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are
 only 50?"

 "No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife II (S498)
          From: LABLaughsAdult 
          on 8/7/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060803

 This is a cartoon version of the classic joke.  You can view
 it at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Older Couple Get Romantic (S371, S629)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/4/2004

 An older couple were lying in bed one night.  The husband
 was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
 wanted to talk.  She said: "You used to hold my hand when
 we were courting."  Wearily he reached across, held her
 hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few
 moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
 irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
 and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said:
 "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back
 the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
 she asked. "To get my teeth!" he replied.

Top
Subj:     Unrealized Benefits of Exercise (S369b)
          From: SCHULACES3 on 2/13/2004

 Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at
 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
 home at $5000 per month.

 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
 60.  Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

 I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
 Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

 I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
 figures out what I'm doing.

 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
 people who annoy me.

 I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

 If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with
 a small country.

 And last but not least:

 I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out
 of my glass.

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Calls Wife Pet Names (S291)
          From: pns on 8/25/2002

 An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for
 dinner one evening.  He was impressed by the way his buddy
 preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -
 Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.  The
 couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
 were still very much in love.

 While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
 said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
 these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
 names."

 The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
 he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Top
Subj:     Dentist In Same High School Class (S268, S844)
          From: jtgalvan on 3/18/2002
      and From: ginafm on 5/3/2009

 While waiting for my first appointment in the reception
 room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate which
 bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall,
 handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
 school class some 40 years ago.  Upon seeing him, however,
 I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-
 haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have
 been my classmate.  After he had examined my teeth, I
 asked him if he had attended the local high school.

 "Yes, yes I did.  I'm a Mustang." he gleamed with pride.

 "When did you graduate?" I asked.

 He answered, "In 1975."

 "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

 He looked at me closely and then that ugly, old, bald,
 wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
 asked, "What did you teach?"

Top
Subj:     Old Man Swaps Lady Friends (S199, S461)
          From: gheckman on 11/18/2000
      and From: DoctorDebt on 11/18/2005

 Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

 Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden
 behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and
 long life.  One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the
 garden.  They begin to chat and before you know it, several
 hours have passed.

 After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
 Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

 She asks, "What?"

 "Sex!!" he replies.

 Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart.  You couldn't get it
 up if I held a gun to your head!"

 "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman
 could just hold it for a while."

 "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
 removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

 Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the
 garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
 hold Harold's manhood.

 Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
 place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make
 sure he was okay.  She walked around the Senior Citizen
 Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel,
 another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

 Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!"

 "What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

 Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Top
Subj:     Old Woman Guesses Old Man's Age (S205b)
          From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
          (see 'Man Has Face Lift' in Elderly?)

 One day in a nursing home an old woman and an old man were
 sitting at the coffee table talking.  Out of nowhere the
 woman said to the old man "I bet I can guess your age."

 The old man replied, "No way."

 So the woman continues "OK, take off your pants."  The old
 man takes his pants off.  "Now turn around" says the old
 woman.  The old man turns around, and she checks him out,
 and and continues, "OK, turn back around   ... you're 84
 years old."

 The old man is in shock and says "How'd you know that?"

 The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."

Top
Subj:     Man In Rocking Chair With No Pants (S354)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/12/2003

 A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
 grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair,
 wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
 "Grandpa, what are you doing?  You're pecker is out in the
 wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

 The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
 on below the waist?" he asked again.

 The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week
 I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
 This is your grandma's idea.."

Top
Subj:     Happy Old Man In Rocking Chair (S273e)
          From: dogbyte on 4/27/2002

 A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
 his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
 she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

 "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
 drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
 exercise."

 "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

 "Twenty-six!" he said.

Top
Sub:     Marrying A Younger Woman

 A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a
 beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
 They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.  When
 they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was
 it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf,
 we made love almost every night, we--"  His friend interrupts
 him.  "A man your age!  How did you make love almost every
 night?"  "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we
 almost made love Tuesday..."

Top
Subj:     Old Man Marries Young Woman

 A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
 when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.  Through
 his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-
 five-year-old woman."

 "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

 Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't
 understand.  Every morning before she goes to work, we
 make love...  At lunchtime she comes home, and we make
 love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.  In the
 afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives
 me oral sex, the best an old man could want.  And then at
 suppertime, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks
 down, no longer able to speak.

 The young man puts his arm around him.  "I don't understand.
 It sounds like you have the perfect relationship.  Why are
 you crying?"

 The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I
 forgot where I live.

Top
Subj:     Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2 (S229)
          From: pns on 6/18/2001

 An older man was married to a younger woman.  After several
 years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.  The
 doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut
 out sex.  He and his wife discussed the matter and decided
 that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save
 them both from temptation.

 One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without
 sex wasn't worth living.  So he headed upstairs.  He met his
 wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
 She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Top
Subj:     Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 3 (S327b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2003

 An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got
 into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three
 fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean
 we're going to do it three times?"

 "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

Top
Subj:     The Cartoon 'I'm So Old' (S415b)
          From: Buffalo's Jokes
          At: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12230447.htm
 

Top
Subj:     Mr. Schwartz Sells Sex (S71, S465b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #143 on 98-06-09
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005

 An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were
 sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.

 The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For
 five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair
 over there.  For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that
 couch.  But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room,
 light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of
 passion you'll never forget."

 The Esther considers it a moment and then, after fishing
 through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

 The Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

 The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."


Subj:     Short Elderly Jokes

Top
Subj:     You Know You Are Old If... (S432b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 5/2/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040416
 This cute cartoon you can view at the source above, or on my
 web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Boy Loses Gramdpa At Mall (S405b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/14/2004
 A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.  He approached
 a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

 The cop asked, "What's he like?"

 The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
 
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple At Restaurant (S427)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 4/1/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050401
 This cartoon captures a very funny topic in growning
 old.  You can view it at the source above, or click
 'HERE' to see it on my web site.
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly Accident - Poem (S398b)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
 An accident really uncanny,
 Befell an unfortunate granny.
 She sat down in a chair
 While her false teeth were there,
 And bit herself right in the fanny!
 

Top
Subj:     Old Mother Hubbard Poem (S388)
          From: igiggle on 6/24/2004
 Old Mother Hubbard
 Went to the cupboard
 To fetch her poor dog a bone
 But when she got there
 She forgot why she'd gone
 So she made herself a nice
 Ham-and-cheese-on-rye sandwich.
 

Top
Subj:     Sick Old Man Is Grateful (S373)
          From: Grampsboyd on 3/4/2004
 I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.  A
 hip replacement, new knees.  Fought prostate cancer, and
 diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
 a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
 dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with
 dementia.  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands
 and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have
 lost all my friends.  But.... Thank God, I still have my
 Florida driver's license!
 

Top
Subj:     Old Man Has Physical With Wife (S359)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: pns on 12/15/2003
      (Also see 'Boyfriend Has Physical' in DOCTOR3)
 An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical,
 with his wife tagging along.  When the doctor enters the
 examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine
 sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

 The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife
 and yells, "What did he say?"

 His wife yells back, "Give the doctor your underwear."
 

Top
Subj:     Drawings: Senior Moments (S348b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
 The three drawing titled 'Senior Moments' can be seen on my
 web site at http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyDrawings/comic2.html
 or by clicking 'Here'.
 

Top
Subj:     Little Old Lady Offers Sex (S313)
          From: flovilla on 1/31/2003
 This little old lady in a nursing home stands and raises
 her fist in the Rec Center one day and says, "Whoever can
 guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

 A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."

 She says, "Close enough."
 

Top
Subj:     Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S296b)
         From: thebartend on 10/1/2002
          (See 'Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex Activities' in ELDERLY2)
 Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing
 nothing.  One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

 The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

 The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

 The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

 After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives
 you to the beach?"
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple And Young Couple Discuss Sex (S179)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/30/00
 At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple.
 The  young man said to the old man, "I have heard tell that
 when you  get up in years, you can't have sex anymore."

 The elderly couple said, "I don't know where you heard that,
 but  we have sex almost every night."

 "Really?"

 "Sure.  Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . ."
 

Top
Subj:     Senior Citizens Are Thankful (S156)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/28/2000
 A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their
 ailments.

 "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

 "Yes, I know.  My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour
 the coffee."

 "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

 "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

 "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

 "Well, it's not all bad.  We should be thankful that we can
 still drive!"
 

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games (S128)
          From: KMacinty on 6/30/99
 10. Musical Recliners
  9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
  8. Hide and Go Pee
  7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
  6. Doc, Doc Goose
  5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
  4. Kick the Bucket
  3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
  2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
  1. Sag, You're It!
 

Top
Subj:     Old Man Wants Viagra (S121, S509c)
          From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
      and From: allenbergman on 10/20/2006
 An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
 the pharmacist for Viagra.  The pharmacist said, "That's no
 problem.  How many do you want?"   The man answered, "Just
 a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."  The pharmacist
 said, "That won't do you any good."  The elderly gentleman
 said "That's all right.  I don't need them for sex anymore
 as I'm over 80 years old.  I just want it to stick out far
 enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

Top
Subj:     Old Man Wants Viagra II (S303b)
          From: gheckman on 11/18/2002
 An elderly gentleman got up one morning and was putting on
    his coat.
 His wife says, "Where are you going?"
 He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
 And she said, "Are you sick?"
 "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
    Viagra pills."
 So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
 He said," Where are you going?"
 She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
 He said, "Why?"
 She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty
    old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
 

Top
Subj:     A Man's Success (S121, S390)
          From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
      and From: Imogenelumen on 7/14/2004
 Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of
 achievement change as we go through life.  While everyone
 has different aspirations, it appears we all have some
 common benchmarks for what success is.  Really it all
 depends on your age. Consider the following:

 At age  4 success is not peeing in your pants.
 At age 12 success is having friends.
 At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
 At age 20 success is going all the way.
 At age 35 success is having money.
 At age 50 success is having money.
 At age 60 success is going all the way.
 At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
 At age 75 success is having friends.
 At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
 

Top
Second version
Subj:     Life's A Test - And You're Grades on A Curve (S220)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/7/2001
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
   At age 12, success is... having friends.
       At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
          At age 20, success is... having sex.
            At age 35, success is... having money.
           At age 50, success is... having money.
         At age 60, success is... having sex.
       At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
    At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Top
Subj:     Three Old Ladies At The Home (S386b)
          From: mrx on 6/13/2004
 Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
 retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled
 shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her
 hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy
 for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
 used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated
 the size  of two big onions she could buy for a penny a
 piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word
 you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
 
 

Top
Subj:     Three Elderly Ladies And The Flasher (S116, S499)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/15/99
      and From: jbcary1 on 8/14/2006
 Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench.  A flasher
 stands in front of them and opens his coat exposing his naked
 body.

 The first elderly lady had a stroke.

 The second elderly lady had a stroke.

 But the third elderly lady couldn't quite reach.
 

Top
Subj:     Man Phones Mom In Florida
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-08-22
 A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother,
 "How are you doing?"  She said, "Not too good. I've been
 very weak."  The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
 She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."  The son
 then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"  She
 said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
 food when you called."
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly Pearls Of Wisdom (S261)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-14
      and From: mombear1 on 1/29/2002
 When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
 If all is not lost, where is it?
 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
 The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
 I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
 I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.
 It was all so different before everything changed.
 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
 Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
 Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
    you're in the bathroom.
 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
    on my knees.
 When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
    decide to play chess?
 It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
 I go somewhere to get something and wonder what I'm hereafter.
 

 Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

 Having Alzheimers really isn't so bad, ya know.  I can think
 of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book,
 second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can
 hide your own easter eggs.

 While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside
 restaurant for lunch.  The old woman left her glasses on
 the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the
 highway.  By then, they had to travel quite a distance
 before they could find a place to turn around.  The old
 man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
 When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the
 car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're
 in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

 This little boy says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and
 tinkle."  The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to
 take you?".  The little boy responds back " No . . . let
 grandma . . . her hand shakes! "

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #6
 An 86 year old man was charged with rape and the case went
 to court. He was acquitted when it was shown that the
 evidence would not stand up in court!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #25
 An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch in
 rocking chairs.  The husband gets up and goes inside the
 house for some ice cream, and yells to his wife, "Would
 you like some ice cream?". She replies, "Is it frozen or
 soft?" He says, "Its as hard as my penis was last night".
 She says, "Then pour me a glass of it".
 

 An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
 While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him,
 "So how has life been treating you?"  The old man replies,
 "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to
 the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished,
 He turns the light off."  While the old woman is with the
 doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said.  She
 replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice
 box again!"  --  Wendy

 Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze.
 One says "How's the memory?"  The other says "Perfect,
 touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table.  Two
 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get
 the door or what?"  --  Lardass

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
 There's a guy crossing the grand canyon with a tightrope.
 On the other side of the country, there's a guy getting
 a blow job from an 87-year-old woman.  What do these two
 guys have in common?  Neither one of them wants to look
 down.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
 An old fellow that I knew told me once that he had been
 "doing it" limp for so long that he thought he could shoot
 pool with a rope!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
 With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old
 woman has a baby.  All her relatives come to visit and
 meet the newest member of their family.  When they ask
 to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
 A little later they ask to see the baby again.  Again
 the mother says, "Not yet."  Finally they say, "When
 can we see the baby?"
 And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
 And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
 The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
 Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
 avoiding you.  -- Old Farmer's Almanac

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
   Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....

 Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-16
 A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker
 in the bedroom.  She locks it, then puts the only key on a
 chain around her neck.  For fifty years, her husband tries
 to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the
 subject, and avoids the issue.
 Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary,
 he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!"
 She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside
 there's two ears of corn and $25,000.  The guy says, "What's
 with the two ears of corn?"  She says, "Well, umm, in the
 fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put
 an ear of corn in the trunk."  The guy figures, "Twice in
 fifty years, not so bad..."  Then he says, "And what's the
 $25,000?"  She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I
 sold it,"

 Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
 You're getting old when getting lucky means
 you find your car in the parking lot.

 You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes,
 just so you don't have to go along.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 on 98-07-14 (S77)
 As we grow older year by year,
 my husband always mourns:
 the less and less we feel our oats,
 the more we feel our corns.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #222 on 98-09-20
 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
 whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They're
 cramming for their finals.

From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
 a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

 The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

 Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.

 You don't stop laughing because you grow old
 you grow old because you stop laughing.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/21/2001 (S238)
 "My grandmother was a very tough woman.  She buried three
 husbands.  Two of them was just napping."  -- Rita Runder

From: dogbyte on 11/21/2001 (S251b)
 The politicians are in favor
 of low cost drugs for seniors.
 But they're opposed to low cost
 drugs for college kids.
 I'm sorry,... that's just wrong!

From: mombear1 on 1/28/2002 (S262)
 First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you
 forget to pull up your zipper, then . . . oh my goodness,
 you forget to pull your zipper down.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/7/2002 (S265c)
 Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering
 what the hell happened.  -- Cora Harvey Armstrong

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
 "Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell
 is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe
 through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
   -- Jim Carrey

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/15/2002 (S285b)
 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 1/16/2003 (S311b)
 Old age is no place for sissies.
   -- Bette Davis

From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com on 2/10/2003 (S315b)
 The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so
 well is that they have a common enemy.  -- Sam Levenson

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/4/2003 (S322b)
 The best antiques are old friends.

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
 In aging, one becomes more foolish and more wise.
   -- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
      French author

From: RFSlick on 12/20/2003 (S359b)
 Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004 (S397b)
 Ah, being young is beautiful,
 but being old is comfortable.

From: igiggle on 7/22/2004 (S402b)
 Why don't retirees mind being called "senior citizens"?
 The term comes with a ten percent discount.

From: JokesUncut on 10/20/2004 (S405b)
 You can tell she's getting old when you give her
 a sensual foot massage, and while you're down
 there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well.

From: LABLaughsClean on 8/9/2005 (S447b)
 "Never have children, only grandchildren."
    -- Gore Vidal (1925 - )
 

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138 (S13)
 Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
    getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
 A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138
 Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
    getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
 A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.

 Q: Why do men name their penises?
 A: Because they want to be on a first name basis
    with the person who makes 95% of their decisions.

 Q: What's Reagan's position on alzheimer's
 A: What was the question.

 Q. Why is President Reagan like an old typewriter?
 A. Because he has no memory and trouble with his colon.

From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net #227 on 98-01-31
 Q: What does it taste like when you go down on
    an 80 year old woman?
 A: Depends.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12 (S335b)
and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003
 Q: What do old women have between their breasts
    that young women don't?
 A: A bellybutton!

From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
 Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
 A: Bingo!

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
 Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "AW SH--?"
 A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2005 (S420b)
 Q: How can you tell an old man in the dark?
 A: It's not hard

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.............................From Smiley_Central
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