Elderly4, long and short jokes
(Includes 93 jokes and articles, 21979,6,cf,md4wYT,4)
Click "Here" for Elderly4-Supp
Elderly Shouting from
ELDERLY1 contains 'old couples' jokes
ELDERLY2 contains jokes about old women or about old men
ELDERLY3 contains oddities about growing old
Elderly4 contains other long and short jokes
Subj: The Soul Inside - Painting (S884d)
From: AFine963 on 12/13/2013
Fritz Coleman On Aging (S935d)
From: kgilmour2000 on 12/7/2014
Photo from YouTube.com
The Senior Conference On Aging
was held at the First Church
of the Nazarene of Pasadena. The keynote speaker was Fritz
Coleman, NBC4's weathercaster in Southern California, who
is a broadcasting icon. Click on the above source, or
'HERE' for my copy, to watch Fritz who is very funny and
loaded with jokes about growing old.
Subj: Exercise For Seniors (S428, DU)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/13/2005
Just came across this exercise
suggested for seniors, to
build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems
so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger
friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable
surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each
hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you
can hold this position for
just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and
eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that
level, put a potato in
each of the sacks; but be careful.
Subj: Old Couple Take Memory Course (S401b, S675b)
From: DafterLafter on 7/24/2004
Seems that this old couple are
having trouble remembering
things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course
is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called
word/name association. They come home and tell all their
relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor
approaches the man as he
tends the garden. "Say, Ed, what was the name of the
instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"
"Well, it was...hmmm...let me
think a minute... What's
the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells
so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, that's it...(shouting
toward house) Hey, Rose, what
was the memory course instructor's name?"
Subj: Elderly Man Proposes Marriage (S399b)
From: DafterLafter on 9/10/2004
There were these two elderly
people living in a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They
had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community
supper in the big activity
center. These two were at the same table, across from one
another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances
at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful
consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few
more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places. Next morning, he was
troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why,
I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am
so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Subj: Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife (S389b, S629b)
From: Anonymous Jr on July 7,2004
and From: ginafm on 8/19/2007
Bob, a 70 year old extremely
wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very
sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off
with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over
Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all
aghast. They corner him
and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue
to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What did
you tell her, that you are
"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
Elderly Man Has Trophy Wife II (S498)
This is a cartoon version of
the classic joke. You can view
it at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Older Couple Get Romantic (S371, S629)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/4/2004
An older couple were lying in
bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when
we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back
the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
she asked. "To get my teeth!" he replied.
Subj: Unrealized Benefits of Exercise (S369b)
From: SCHULACES3 on 2/13/2004
Walking can add minutes to your
life. This enables you at
85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was
60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the
morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by
people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country
skiing, start with
a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes
the ice jump right out
of my glass.
Subj: Elderly Man Calls Wife Pet Names (S291)
From: pns on 8/25/2002
An elderly gent was invited to
his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The
couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen,
the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
The old man hung his head. "I
have to tell you the truth,"
he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Subj: Dentist In Same High School Class (S268, S844)
From: jtgalvan on 3/18/2002
and From: ginafm on 5/3/2009
While waiting for my first appointment
in the reception
room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate which
bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall,
handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however,
I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-
haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have
been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I
asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Mustang." he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then
that ugly, old, bald,
wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, "What did you teach?"
Subj: Old Man Swaps Lady Friends (S199, S461)
From: gheckman on 11/18/2000
and From: DoctorDebt on 11/18/2005
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold
goes to a secluded garden
behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and
long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the
garden. They begin to chat and before you know it, several
hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation,
Harold turns to
Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old
fart. You couldn't get it
up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it
would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred,
who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't
show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make
sure he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen
Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel,
another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!"
"What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Subj: Old Woman Guesses Old Man's Age (S205b)
From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
(see 'Man Has Face Lift' in Elderly?)
One day in a nursing home an
old woman and an old man were
sitting at the coffee table talking. Out of nowhere the
woman said to the old man "I bet I can guess your age."
The old man replied, "No way."
So the woman continues "OK, take
off your pants." The old
man takes his pants off. "Now turn around" says the old
woman. The old man turns around, and she checks him out,
and and continues, "OK, turn back around ... you're 84
The old man is in shock and says "How'd you know that?"
The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."
Subj: Man In Rocking Chair With No Pants (S354)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/12/2003
A man came to visit his grandparents,
and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair,
wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? You're pecker is out in the
wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing
sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at
him and said, "Well...last week
I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.."
Subj: Happy Old Man In Rocking Chair (S273e)
From: dogbyte on 4/27/2002
A woman walked up to a little
old man rocking in a chair on
his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes
a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
Sub: Marrying A Younger Woman
A 70-year-old man has never been
married. One day he meets a
beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When
they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was
it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf,
we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts
him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every
night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we
almost made love Tuesday..."
Subj: Old Man Marries Young Woman
A ninety-year-old man is sitting
on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through
his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles,
he answers, "You don't
understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we
make love... At lunchtime she comes home, and we make
love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the
afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives
me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at
suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks
down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around
him. "I don't understand.
It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are
The senile old man answers, again
through his tears, "I
forgot where I live.
Subj: Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 2 (S229)
From: pns on 6/18/2001
An older man was married to a
younger woman. After several
years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The
doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut
out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided
that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save
them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks,
he decided that life without
sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his
wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
Subj: Old Man Marries Young Woman, Vers 3 (S327b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2003
An old man of 70 married a young
girl of 18. When they got
into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three
fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean
we're going to do it three times?"
"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Subj: The Cartoon 'I'm So Old' (S415b)
From: Buffalo's Jokes
Subj: Mr. Schwartz Sells Sex (S71, S465b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #143 on 98-06-09
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/19/2005
An elderly Irving Schwartz and
the widow Esther Cohen were
sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself,
says to Esther, "For
five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair
over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that
couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of
passion you'll never forget."
The Esther considers it a moment
and then, after fishing
through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
Subj: Short Elderly Jokes
You Know You Are Old If... (S432b)
Subj: Boy Loses Gramdpa At Mall (S405b)
From: DoctorDebt on 10/14/2004
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack
Daniels and women with big tits."
Elderly Couple At Restaurant (S427)
Subj: Elderly Accident - Poem (S398b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/8/2004
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Subj: Old Mother Hubbard Poem (S388)
From: igiggle on 6/24/2004
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she got there
She forgot why she'd gone
So she made herself a nice
Subj: Sick Old Man Is Grateful (S373)
From: Grampsboyd on 3/4/2004
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands
and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But.... Thank God, I still have my
Florida driver's license!
Subj: Old Man Has Physical With Wife (S359)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: pns on 12/15/2003
(Also see 'Boyfriend Has Physical' in DOCTOR3)
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical,
with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the
examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine
sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing,
looks at his wife
and yells, "What did he say?"
His wife yells back, "Give the
doctor your underwear."
Subj: Drawings: Senior Moments (S348b)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
The three drawing titled 'Senior Moments' can be seen on my
web site at http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyDrawings/comic2.html
or by clicking 'Here'.
Subj: Little Old Lady Offers Sex (S313)
From: flovilla on 1/31/2003
This little old lady in a nursing home stands and raises
her fist in the Rec Center one day and says, "Whoever can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."
Subj: Two Old Ladies On The Porch (S296b)
From: thebartend on 10/1/2002
(See 'Two Old Ladies Discuss Sex Activities' in ELDERLY2)
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing
nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first
old lady asks, "Who drives
you to the beach?"
Subj: Elderly Couple And Young Couple Discuss Sex (S179)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/30/00
At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple.
The young man said to the old man, "I have heard tell that
when you get up in years, you can't have sex anymore."
The elderly couple said, "I don't
know where you heard that,
but we have sex almost every night."
"Sure. Almost Monday, almost
Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . ."
Subj: Senior Citizens Are Thankful (S156)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/28/2000
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts
are so bad I can't see to pour
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can
Subj: Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games (S128)
From: KMacinty on 6/30/99
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
Subj: Old Man Wants Viagra (S121, S509c)
From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
and From: allenbergman on 10/20/2006
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no
problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just
a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist
said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman
said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore
as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
Subj: Old Man Wants Viagra II (S303b)
From: gheckman on 11/18/2002
An elderly gentleman got up one morning and was putting on
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Subj: A Man's Success (S121, S390)
From: KMacinty on 5/26/99
and From: Imogenelumen on 7/14/2004
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of
achievement change as we go through life. While everyone
has different aspirations, it appears we all have some
common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all
depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4 success is not
peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is going all the way.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is going all the way.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
Subj: Life's A Test - And You're Grades on A Curve (S220)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/7/2001
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
Subj: Three Old Ladies At The Home (S386b)
From: mrx on 6/13/2004
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled
shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her
hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy
for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated
the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a
piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word
you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Subj: Three Elderly Ladies And The Flasher (S116, S499)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/15/99
and From: jbcary1 on 8/14/2006
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench. A flasher
stands in front of them and opens his coat exposing his naked
The first elderly lady had a stroke.
The second elderly lady had a stroke.
But the third elderly lady couldn't
Subj: Man Phones Mom In Florida
From: JOELFALLON on 98-08-22
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother,
"How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been
very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son
then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?" She
said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food when you called."
Subj: Elderly Pearls Of Wisdom (S261)
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
and From: mombear1 on 1/29/2002
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something and wonder what I'm hereafter.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
Having Alzheimers really isn't
so bad, ya know. I can think
of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book,
second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can
hide your own easter eggs.
While on a car trip, the old
couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on
the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the
highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around. The old
man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the
car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're
in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
This little boy says to his mother
" Mommy, I have to go and
tinkle." The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to
take you?". The little boy responds back " No . . . let
grandma . . . her hand shakes! "
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #6
An 86 year old man was charged with rape and the case went
to court. He was acquitted when it was shown that the
evidence would not stand up in court!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #25
An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch in
rocking chairs. The husband gets up and goes inside the
house for some ice cream, and yells to his wife, "Would
you like some ice cream?". She replies, "Is it frozen or
soft?" He says, "Its as hard as my penis was last night".
She says, "Then pour me a glass of it".
An old man and his wife went
to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him,
"So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to
the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished,
He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the
doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She
replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice
box again!" -- Wendy
Two old guys at an old folk's
home shooting the breeze.
One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect,
touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. Two
minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get
the door or what?" -- Lardass
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
There's a guy crossing the grand canyon with a tightrope.
On the other side of the country, there's a guy getting
a blow job from an 87-year-old woman. What do these two
guys have in common? Neither one of them wants to look
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
An old fellow that I knew told me once that he had been
"doing it" limp for so long that he thought he could shoot
pool with a rope!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old
woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and
meet the newest member of their family. When they ask
to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When
can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-16
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker
in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a
chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries
to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the
subject, and avoids the issue.
Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary,
he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!"
She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside
there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's
with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the
fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put
an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in
fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the
$25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
You're getting old when getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you don't
care where your wife goes,
just so you don't have to go along.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 on 98-07-14
As we grow older year by year,
my husband always mourns:
the less and less we feel our oats,
the more we feel our corns.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #222 on 98-09-20
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They're
cramming for their finals.
From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
You're getting old when you get
the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
You don't stop laughing because
you grow old
you grow old because you stop laughing.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/21/2001
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three
husbands. Two of them was just napping." -- Rita Runder
From: dogbyte on 11/21/2001 (S251b)
The politicians are in favor
of low cost drugs for seniors.
But they're opposed to low cost
drugs for college kids.
I'm sorry,... that's just wrong!
From: mombear1 on 1/28/2002 (S262)
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull up your zipper, then . . . oh my goodness,
you forget to pull your zipper down.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/7/2002 (S265c)
Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering
what the hell happened. -- Cora Harvey Armstrong
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell
is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe
through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/15/2002
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 1/16/2003
Old age is no place for sissies.
-- Bette Davis
on 2/10/2003 (S315b)
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so
well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/4/2003 (S322b)
The best antiques are old friends.
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
In aging, one becomes more foolish and more wise.
-- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
From: RFSlick on 12/20/2003 (S359b)
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004 (S397b)
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
From: igiggle on 7/22/2004 (S402b)
Why don't retirees mind being called "senior citizens"?
The term comes with a ten percent discount.
From: JokesUncut on 10/20/2004 (S405b)
You can tell she's getting old when you give her
a sensual foot massage, and while you're down
there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/9/2005 (S447b)
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
-- Gore Vidal (1925 - )
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138 (S13)
Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138
Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first name basis
with the person who makes 95% of their decisions.
Q: What's Reagan's position on
A: What was the question.
Q. Why is President Reagan like
an old typewriter?
A. Because he has no memory and trouble with his colon.
From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net
#227 on 98-01-31
Q: What does it taste like when you go down on
an 80 year old woman?
From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12
and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003
Q: What do old women have between their breasts
that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "AW SH--?"
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2005 (S420b)
Q: How can you tell an old man in the dark?
A: It's not hard