>>> Subj:     Kids2 Jokes                  (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 12822n,6,cf,md,1)

Girl Jumping Rope from PageWorks

KIDS1 and 2 contains jokes
KIDS3 contains oddities, and short jokes
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Subj:     63 'Little Johnny' Jokes (S512b)           B.C.by Mastroianni and Hart           From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/5/2012

Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

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 Slowly, this location will list all the "Little Johnny" jokes.
 The icon to the right will appear on these jokes.

 'Little Billy Eats Six Candy Bars' in Candy

 'Johnny Stares At Church Plaque' in Church

 'Where Is Jesus Today?' in Church-Supp

 'Little Johnny And Dad's Condom' in Condom

 'Johnny Kicks The Animals' in Farmer1

 'Man Checks Horses Before Buying' in Horses

 'Little Johnny And His Mother's Occupation' in Hooker1

 'Kids Asked 'Where Is Jesus?'' in Jesus

 'Son Wants Ice Cream, Mom Says No' in Kids
 'Mother Explains The Facts To Son' in Kids1
 'Johnny Puts Tooth Paste On His Dick' in Kids1
 'Little Johnny Watches Builder' in Kids1
 'Johnny Sees Mom Moaning In Bedroom' in Kids1
 'Kid Sees Mom In Shower' in Kids1
 'Learning To Use Grown Up Words' in Kids1
 'Johnny Wants To Marry Susie' in Kids1

 'Johnny Sees Dad And Aunt Jane Have Sex' in Kids2
 'A Third Grade Drawing' in Kids2
 'Class Draws On Chalkboard' in Kids2

 'Johnny Wants A Piece Of Cake' in Kids4
 'Wanting Mom To Sleep With Him During Storm' in Kids4

 'Little Johnny And The Baby W/No Ears' in Kids5

 'Little Bobby Writes A Letter To God' in Letters2

 'Little Johnny Catches His Parents' in Mailman-Etc.

 'Etiquette' in Manners

 'Johnny Sees Parents Making Love' in Marriage5

 'Little Johnny Knows His Numbers' in Math1
 'Little Johnny Doesn't Pay Attention' in Math1
 'Teaching Math Concept Of A 100' in Math1
 'Math Prob-Birds And Ice Cream' in Math1

 'Taking Little Johnny To The Other Zoo' in Other-Animals

 'Circumcision' in Penis2

 'The "Most Wanted" List Explained' in Police-Supp

 'Teacher Motivates Class' in School1
 'The Urinate Joke' in School1 (two jokes)
 'Guessing What's Behind The Teacher's Back' in School1
 'Little Johnny Learns Multi-Syllable Words' in School1
 'Johnny's Oral final Exam' in School1
 'The Urinate Joke' in School1
 'First Graders Learn Grown-Up Words' in School1
 'First Grade Learns Animal Names' in School1

 'Little Johnny's Summer Vacation' in School2

 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids II' in School3
 'Presents 'To The Teacher' in School3
 'Female Teacher Kicks Three Boys Out of Class' in School3
 'Class Learns Stories With Morals' in School3
 'Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School' in School3
 'Stand Up If You're Stupid' in School3
 'Little Johnny In A Spelling Bee' in School3

 'Little Johnny Learns About Electricity' in School-Supp
 'Little Johnny Uses 'Fascinate'' in School-Supp
 'Little Johnny Sees Two Dogs Mating' in School-Supp
 'Little Johnny Has A Substitute' in School-Supp
 'Teacher-Pupil Joke' in School-Supp

 'The Polite Way To Pee' in School-Supp2
 'Daddy Sleeps Naked' in School-Supp2
 'Little Johnny Scares Little Marry' in School-Supp2
 'Little Johnny Gets Bad Grades' in School-Supp2

 'Selling Toothbrushes' in School-Supp3
 'Teacher Asks "What Do You Want To Be?"' in School-Supp3

 'Little Johnny Sees His Parents' in Sex-Supp

 'Little Johnny Uses The Word Definitely' in Shit

 'Little Johnny Rides A City Bus' in Truck-Bus

 'Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon' in Vaseline

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Subj:     Dennis the Menace (S663b)           By Hank Ketcham           From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/21/2009

 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_dennis_menace.html?name=Dennis_The_Menace

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.
 

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Subj:     Child Decides To Run Away (S464)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/11/2005

 A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child
 rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes,
 his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced,
 'I'm running away from home!'.

 The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
 'What if you get hungry?', he said.

 'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. '
 And what if you run out of money?'.

 'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the
 child.

 The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes
 get dirty?'.

 'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the
 reply.

 The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not
 running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.

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Subj:     Losing A Contact Lens In Basketball (S462b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/29/2005

 The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in
 his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother
 the lens was nowhere to be found.

 Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned
 with the lens in her hand.

 "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

 "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

 "You were looking for a small piece of plastic.  I was looking
 for $150."

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Subj:     Teenagers Are like Cats: (S451)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 9/12/2005

 Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads
    when you call them by name.

 No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed,
    all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate
    for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

 You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
    adult human being, and it can be safely said that no
    teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in
    public with his or her parents.

 Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your
    cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

 No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

 Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for
    hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

 Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

 Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
    communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense
    of complete and utter boredom.

 Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

 Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been
    known to return in the middle of the night to deposit
    a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not
    above that sort of behavior.

 Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of
 advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is
 also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at
 all times. And remember, above all else, put out the
 food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.
 When they make up their minds, they will finally come to
 you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a
 triumphant moment for all concerned.

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Subj:     The Last Child Support Check (S448)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005

 Today my baby girl's 18th birthday.  I be so glad that this
 be my last child support payment!  Month after month, year
 after year, all those damn payments!

 So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
 when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
 this check ova to yo momma house and tell her this be the
 last check she ever be gettin' from me and I want you to
 come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face.

 So my baby girl she takes the check over to der.  I be
 anxious to hear what she say and what she looked liked.
 Baby girl walked through the door, I say, "Now what yo
 momma say 'bout that?"

 She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch
 the 'spression on yo face.

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Subj:     Boy And Girl Eat Lunch Together (S375b, DU)
         From: hellgunner50 on 4/2/2004

 A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
 became friends.  Every day they would sit together to eat
 their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken
 sandwiches every day!

 This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
 one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken
 sandwich.

 He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't
 you like it anymore?"

 She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

 "Why?" he asked.

 She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to
 grow little feathers down there!"

 "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
 He looked and said, "That's right.  You are!  Better not
 eat any more chicken."

 He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he
 brought peanut butter.  He said to the little girl, "I
 have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to
 get feathers down there too!"

 She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants
 for her.  She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
 You've already got the neck and the gizzards"

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Subj:     Searching The Disaster For His Son (S326b, DU)
          From: Cypriot on 4/11/2003

 "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.
 Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.
 How anyone could have survived he did not know.

 He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming
 destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.  Only the
 slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and
 fleeing the scene.  He took a deep breath and proceeded.

 Walking was virtually impossible with so many things
 strewn across his path.  He moved ahead slowly.

 "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.  He tripped and
 almost fell several times.  He heard someone, or something,
 move.  At least he thought he did.  Perhaps, he was just
 hoping he did.  He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

 He couldn't understand how this could have happened.  There
 was some light but not enough to see very much.  Something
 cold and wet brushed against his hand.  He jerked it away.

 In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

 From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his
 son.  "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could
 hardly be heard.

 "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man
 sighed.  "And, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

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Subj:     Grandpa Explains The "Facts of Life" (S750)
          From: tom on 5/28/2011

 Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather
 for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other

Drawing from Gutenberg.org

kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'

.
 'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play
 with the other kids.

 A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,
 it isn't called sexual intercourse.  It's called Bunk Beds.
 And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

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Subj:     Little Boy Has To "Powder His Nose" (S300, S576c)
          From: Grampsboyd on 11/7/2002

 A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.  The little
 boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother
 to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in
 public.

 At first he holds it in for a little while because he does
 not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
 Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant
 to excuse herself from the table.  So he turns to the little
 girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my
 nose".  And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs
 to the washroom.

 When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks
 "Did you powder your nose?"

 "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

 "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your
 purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

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Subj:     Small Boy Is Thirsty (S286c)
          From: pns on 7/20/2002

 A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
 Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...."
 "What?"
 "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
 "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
 Five minutes later:
 "Da-aaaad....."
 "WHAT?"
 "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
 "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
 Five minutes later......
 "Daaaa-aaaad....."
 "WHAT!"
 "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

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Subj:     Girl Asked Mom About White Hair (S216, S476)
          From: RFSlick on 3/18/2001
      and From: hellgunner50 on 2/26/2006

 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother
 do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
 that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking
 out in contrast on her brunette head.  She looked at her
 mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
 white, Mom?"

 Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
 wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
 white."  The little girl thought about this revelation for
 while and then asked, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
 hairs are white?"

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Subj:     Momma Is Gonna Eat Your Fingers (S186, S710b)
          From: mbucher on 08/19/2000
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/23/2007 and 7/15/2010

 As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
 was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point,
 she said,  "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her
 fingers.

 Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
 fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
 pretending eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

 When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
 at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

 I said, "What's wrong honey?"

 She said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

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 Subj:     Student With A Dirty Name (S49)
           From: Bawdy.Net Collage #220 on 98-01-03

 It was the first day of school, and the elementary school
 teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no non-
 sense from the kiddies this year.  While taking the roll,
 she was told by one boy, "My  name is Johnny Fuckhauer."

 So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this
 year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"

 The kid  said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
 You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
 brother if you don't believe me!"

 Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
 teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
 grade classroom door.  The fourth grade teacher had stepped
 down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
 entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you
 have a Fuckhauer in here?"

 "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We
 don't even get a cookie break!"

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Subj:  Johnny Sees Dad and Aunt Jane Have Sex        From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00    and From: jbcary1 on 3/28/2005 (S179, S427)

Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

 Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground
 and go into the woods.  Curious, he follows the car and
 sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.  Johnny finds this so
 exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home
 and starts to tell his mother excitedly....

 "MOMMY,MOMMY,IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

 Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear
 the story.  So Johnny tells her.  "I was at the playground
 and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I
 went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
 then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
 helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down
 on the seat, then Daddy..."

 At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
 is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of
 it for supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face
 when you tell it tonight."

 At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
 He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying
 down on the seat, and..... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did
 that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy
 was in the Army."

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Subj:     Teletubbies After Hours (S386b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/10/2004
          at http://www.ezines4all.com/at200405/017.htm
 

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Subj:     Salesman Asks Boy If Mom Is Home (S154)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 01/11/2000

 As a door-to-door salesman approached a house on his route,
 he saw a small boy sitting on the porch reading a book.

 "Hi, sonny," he said. "Is your Mommy home?"

 "Yes, sir," the boy replied, and went back to reading.

 The salesman rang the doorbell several times, then resorted
 to knocking on the door.  After 15 minutes of this with no
 response, he turned to the boy.

 "Hey, sonny," he said, "I thought you told me your Mommy was
 home."

 "I did, Mister," the boy replied, "As a matter of fact, I see
 her watching you right now from our living room window across
 the street."

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Subj:     Andy And Pastor View Memorial (S135)
          From: RFSlick on 8/26/99

 One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy
 was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer
 of the church.  It was covered with names, and small
 American flags were mounted on either side of it.  The
 seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some
 time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and
 said quietly, "Good morning Andy."

 "Good morning Father," replied the young man, still
 focused on the plaque. "Father Ole, what is this?" Andy
 asked.

 "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
 who died in the service."

 Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
 Little Andy's voice was barely audible when he asked,
 "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?

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Subj:     Soccer Mom Can't Drive (S129b)
          From: ossama on 6/7/99

 For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the
 woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.
 I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so
 I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

 A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband
 showed up.  Since it was too late for me to call and say I
 could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in
 the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that
 he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

 Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
 chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.  When
 my son  returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

 "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front
 of the house was my father. But don't worry.  I told her I
 didn't know."

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Subj:     Returning Home To Kids (S122)
          From: RFSlick on 5/30/99

 Ever notice how a four year old's voice is louder than
 200 adult voices?  Several years ago, I returned home
 from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder
 and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom about
 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife,
 Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm.  I resigned
 myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

 The next day, I talked to the children, and explained
 that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,
 but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom
 that night.  They said OK.

 After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the
 children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed
 time.  Since the plane was late, everyone had come into
 the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with
 hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
 passengers.

 As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
 running shouting, "Hi Dad!  I've got some good news!"

 As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

 Alex shouted back, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you
 were away this time!"

 The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting
 area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched
 the rest of the area to see if they could figure out
 exactly who his Mom was.  I laughed so hard I ached.

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Subj:     Dad Standing Over His Baby's Crib (S115)
          From: smiles ON 4/13/99

 One night a wife found her husband standing over their
 newborn baby's crib.  Silently she watched him.  As he
 stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on
 his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
 amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

 Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
 aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around
 her husband. "A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in
 his ear.

 "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
 can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

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Subj:     Boy With Bad Temper Puts Nails In A Fence (S221, S547b)
          From: rfslick on 3/21/99 and 7/10/2007

 There was a little boy with a bad temper.  His father gave
 him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his
 temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.  The first day
 the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Gradually it
 dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his
 temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

 Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at
 all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested
 that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was
 able to hold his temper.  The days passed and the young boy
 was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were
 gone.

 The father took his son by the hand and led him to the
 fence.  He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at
 the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same.
 When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like
 this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
 It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the
 wound is still there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a
 physical one.

 Day by day we can achieve what this little boy achieved
 through perseverance.  Let us all do our best to be kind
 to each other and remember our actions are an example to
 others.  Throughout our day there is someone watching us
 and observing our actions whether we are aware of it or
 not.  We never know what kind of impact we might have on
 someone else by the example we show through our actions.

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Subj:     Boy Fixes Coffee For Grandma (S110)
          From: RFSlick on 99-03-07

 A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning
 and brought her a cup of coffee.  He made it himself and
 was so proud.  He anxiously waited  to hear the verdict
 on the quality of the coffee.

 The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup
 of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed
 three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the
 cup.

 She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys
 be in the bottom of my cup?"

 Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV,
 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'

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Subj:     Boss Talks To Child (S83, S618)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/8/2003
      and From: ginafm on 11/11/2008

 The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
 about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He
 dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with
 a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"

 Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
 youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.",
 whispered the small voice.  May I talk with him?", the man
 asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice
 whispered, "No."

 Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
 Mommy there?".  "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with
 her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No."

 Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be
 left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a
 message with the person who should be there watching over
 the child.  "Is there any one there besides you?", the
 boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A
 policeman."

 Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
 the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No,
 he's busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked
 the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.",
 came the whispered answer.

 Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
 like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the
 boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.",
 answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?",
 asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice
 the child answered, "The search team just landed in the
 hello-copper!"

 Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
 'What are they searching for?'

 Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
 giggle... 'ME.'

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S677b)
          By Brian Crane
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/7/2009
Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/wppic
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Subj:     Girl Baby Yells 'Rape'
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15

 There were two babies side by side in the nursery, one male
 and the other female.

 One day they were just cooing away, when the little girl
 baby started screaming, "Rape! Rape! Rape!!!!"

 The little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little
 girl baby and said, "Aww...roll over and shut up, you're
 lying on your pacifier!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Son Asks Questions During Fishing
          From: smiles on 98-07-17

 A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out
 in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
 around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

 The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

 A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How
 do fish breath underwater?"

 Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

 A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

 Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."

 Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking
 you all of these questions?"

 The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions,
 you never learn nothin'."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Whose Father Is Fastest? (S268c)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #128 on 98-05-23
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/21/2002
      (Also see 'Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed' in JOBS3)

 Three boys were heading home from school one day when one
 started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.
 He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can
 throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run
 and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

 One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah?  Well, my dad can
 shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and
 hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

 The third one listens to the other two and shakes his
 head.  He then says: "You two know nothing about fast.
 My father is a civil servant.  He stops working at 4:30
 and he is home by 3:45"!!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Baby Born Who Can Talk (S235, S445b)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 12 Jan 98
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/26/2005

 A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.  He
 looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.  "Are
 you my doctor?" he asked.

 "Yes, I am," said the doctor.

 The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me
 during birth."  He looked at his mother and asked, "Are
 you my mother?"

 "Yes, I am," she said.

 "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was
 born," he said.  He then looked at his father and asked,
 "Are you my father?"

 "Yes, I am," his father answered proudly.

 The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead
 with his index finger several times saying, "I want you to
 know that THAT HURTS!"

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Subj:     Son Asks About Dirty Words (S311, S709)
          From: thebartend on 1/15/2003
      and From: tom on 8/16/2010

 Junior, curious about some words he saw on the bathroom
 wall asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"

 Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said,
 "That's a pussy, son.  A pussy is a kitty cat."

 "What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke.

 Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary
 says a bitch is a female dog."

 Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was.  Pops
 dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer,
 drew a circle around the genital region and said, "That's
 a pussy right there, son.  And a fine specimen it is, too."

 "Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked Junior.

 "That's everything outside the circle."

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Subj:     Grandfather And Kid Go To Cabin (S593b)
          From: gordonschuk on 5/24/2008

 When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
 we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
 attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed
 us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's
 no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with
 flashlights.'

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Grandfather And Kid Go Fishing
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 This kid and his grandfather were going fishing one day and
 the grandfather pulls out a cigar.  At this time in the
 morning the bugs were really biting and so the kid asked
 his grandfather if he could have one.

 His garndfathers said, "Can you touch your ass with your dick?"

 The kid replied, "no."

 "Then no you can't", said the grandfather.

 A little bit later in the day about noon Old Grandad pulls
 out a nice cold beer.  This afternoon was particularly hot
 so the kid said, "hey grandad can I have one of those to
 cool me off?"

 "Can you touch your ass with your dick son?", the grandad
 replied.

 "No", says the kid.

 "Then sorry but no", says the grandad

 After they finish fishing they stop at sheetz and ol' grandad
 buys some smokes and two lottery tickets.  The kid asks,
 "Grandad can I have one of those lottery tickets?"

 Grandad replies, "Sure couldn't hurt."

 Grandad scratches off his lottery ticket and yells, "Son of...
 goddamn waste of money... never win on these damn... ugh"

 The kid schratches off his ticket and yells in excitement that
 he one $10,000.

 Grandad says, "Thats great $5,000 for you and $5,000 for me"

 Kid asked his grandfather if he could touch his ass with his
 dick and the grand father replied, "Hell yeah!"

 Then the kid answered "Then go fuck yourself"

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Subj:     Daddy Explains Sex To Daughter (S43, S819)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-23
      and From: virv on 9/20/2012

 A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her
 father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"

 So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the
 birds and the bees.  He tells her about conception, sexual
 intercourse, sperms and eggs, etc.  He tells her about
 puberty, menstruation, men and women and love.  He thinks,
 what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to
 tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

 The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of
 bizarre new knowledge

 Her father finally asks, "So what why did you wish to know
 about sex?"

 "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

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Subj:     A Third Grade Drawing (S43)           From: Daemonic Funnies Page           (Also see 'Class Draws On Chalkboard' below) Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

 Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher, wanted the class to play a
 game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one
 by one others add to it.

 She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he
 is so naughty and always has some "unusual" picture in mind.
 So she starts with Anne.

 Anne: "This is our House"

               /\
              /  \
             /    \
            /      \
            |      |
            |      |
            |      |
            |      |

 The teacher: "Good, Anne!"  and asks Peter to draw next:

 Peter: "This is our Housedoor"

               /\
              /  \
             /    \
            /      \
            |      |
            |  _   |
            | | |  |
            | |_|  |

 The teacher: "Very good, Peter" and calls Mary:

 Mary: "This is our house roof"

               /\
              /UU\
             /    \
           /      \
            |      |
            |  _   |
            | | |  |
            | |_|  |

 The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:

 Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house."

               \|/
               -O-
               /|\
               /\
              /UU\
             /    \
            /      \
            |      |
            |  _   |
            | | |  |
            | |_|  |

 The teacher: "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not
 much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks
 Johnny to come to the board.

 Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap
 when he dropped it in the shower.
             ______
            /      \
           /   \|/  \
          /    -O-   \
          |    /|\   |
          |    /\    |
          |   /UU\   |
          |  /    \  |
          | /      \ |
          | |      | |
          | |  _   | |
         _| | | |  | |_
        (___| |_|  |___)
 

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Subj:     Class Draws On Chalkboard (S420b)           From: JokesUncut           on 2/7/2005

Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images

          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/chalkboard.htm
          (Also see 'A Third Grade Drawing' above)

 Cute 'Bad Johnny' story containing six drawings.  You can view
 it at the source above, or click 'HERE' for the file version.

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............................Baby Smiley from Smiley_Central.
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