Subj: Kids4 Jokes
(Includes 60 jokes and articles, 05721a,8,cf)
Girl with Paddle from
PageWorks
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Subj: Kids4 Jokes (Includes 60 jokes and articles, 05721a,8,cf) |
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Girl with Paddle from PageWorks |
KIDS1 and 2 contains jokes
KIDS3 contains oddities, and short
jokes
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| Subj:
Bumbo II, The Return (S548)
From: sfo_pilot on 7/14/2007 |
 |
This homemade movie of a baby's
adventure is hilarious.
You can watch it on the source
above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Before
and After Children (S466b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/23/2005
BEFORE Children: I was thankful
for the opportunity to
vacation in exotic foreign countries
so I could experience
a different way of life in a
new culture.
AFTER Children: I am thankful
to have time to make it all
the way down the driveway to
get the mail.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful
for the Moosewood Vegetarian
cookbook.
AFTER Children: I am thankful
for the butterball turkey
hotline.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful
for a warm, cozy home to
share with my loved ones.
AFTER Children: I am thankful
for the lock on the bathroom
door.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful
for material objects like
custom furniture, a nice car
and trendy clothes.
AFTER Children: I am thankful
when the baby spits up and
misses my good shoes.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.
AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
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Subj:
Walmart Baby (S631c)
From: gordonschuk on 2/7/2009 |
In this video a man is squeezed
into a baby stroller. The
stroller with a tape of a baby
crying is placed in front
of Walmart. What happens
when people come to the babies
rescue? Click 'HERE'
to see this silly, dumb movie.
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Subj: Taking
Baby Missy To The Store (S196, S669)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/01/2000
and
From: tom on 11/5/2009
A man noticed a woman in the
grocery store with a 3-year-old
girl in her cart. As they passed
the cookie section, the
little girl asked for cookies
and her mother told her no.
The little girl immediately
began to have a conniption, and
the mother said quietly, "Now
Missy, we just have half of
the aisles left to go through
- don't be upset. It won't be
long."
In the candy aisle, the little
girl began to shout for
treats. When mom said she couldn't
have any, she began to
kick her mother and scream.
The mother said softly, "There,
there, Missy, don't cry - only
two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout
stand, the little brat
immediately began to reach for
the gum and freaked out when
her mom said she couldn't have
any. The mother patiently
said, "Missy, we'll be through
this checkout stand in five
minutes and then you can go
home and have a bottle and a
nice snooze."
The man followed them out to
the parking lot and stopped
the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help noticing how
patient you were with little
Missy," he said.
The mother sighed and replied,
"Oh, no, my little girl's
name is Francine - I'm Missy."
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Subj: A Baby
On The Patch - Cartoon (S450b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
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Subj: Preparation
For Parenthood (S241b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-25
and
From: Cypriot on 9/13/2001
Preparation for parenthood is
not just a matter of reading
books and decorating the nursery.
Here are 12 simple tests
for expectant parents to take
to prepare themselves for the
real-life experience of being
a mother or father.
1. Women: To
prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
gown and stick a beanbag down
the front. Leave it there
for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men:
To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store,
tip the contents of your wallet
on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head
office. Go home.
Pick up the paper and read it for the
last time.
2. Before you finally
go ahead and have children, find a
couple who are already parents
and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they
have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways
in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it - it'll be the last
time in your life that you will
have all of the answers.
3. To discover how
the nights feel, walk around the
living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 lbs.
At 10pm, put down the bag, set
the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep. Get up at 12
and walk around the living room
again, with the bag, until
1 am. Put the alarm on
for 3 am. As you can't back to
sleep, get up at 2 am and make
a drink. Go to bed at 2:45
am. Get up again at 3am
when the alarm goes off. Sing
songs in the dark until 4am.
Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.
4. Can you stand
the mess children make? To find out,
smear peanut butter onto the
sofa and jam onto the curtains.
Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all
summer. Stick your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them
on the clean walls. Cover
the stains with crayons. How
does that look?
5. Dressing small
children is not as easy as it seems:
first buy an octopus and a draw-string
bag. Attempt to put
the octopus into the draw-string
bag so that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed
for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton,
and using a pair of scissors and
a can of paint, turn it into
an alligator. Now take a
toilet tube, and using only
scotch tape and a piece of
foil, turn it into a Christmas
tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball,
and an empty packet of Coco
Puffs and make an exact replica
of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on
the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata
and buy a Mini Van. And don't think
you can leave it out in the
driveway spotless and shining;
family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
bar and put it in the glove
compartment and leave it there.
Get a quarter and stick it in
the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate
cookies and mash them down
the back seats. Run a
garden rake along both sides of the
car. There-Perfect!
8. Get ready to go
out. Wait outside the toilet for half
an hour. Go out the front
door. Come in again. Go out.
Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it. Walk
down it again. Walk slowly down
the road for 5 minutes. Stop
to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue
and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream
that you've had as much as you
can stand, until the
neighbors come out and stare
at you. Give up and go back
in the house. You are
now just about ready to try taking
a small child for a walk.
(Husbands, you probably have
already experienced this).
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket.
Take with you the
nearest thing you can find to
a pre-school child - a fully
grown goat is excellent.
If you intend to have more than
one child, take more than one
goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the
goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats
destroy or eat. Until you
can easily accomplish this do
not even contemplate having
children.
11. Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling
and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon
it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Froot
Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure
that a lot of it falls on
the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of
every character from Barney and
Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.
When you find yourself singing
"I love you, you love me"
at work, now!, you finally qualify
as a parent!
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| Subj:
Children's Bill Of Rights (S215, S588b)
From: flovilla on 3/12/2001 and From: Gordonschuk on 4/18/2007 |
 |
You can read this cute poem with pictures by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Toddler
Diet (S213)
From: KMACINTY on 3/2/2001
People are always on the lookout
for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you
don't get enough to eat (the
starvation diet), you don't
get enough variation (the liquid
diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their
diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler
Miracle Diet. Over the
years you may have noticed that
most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success
is available to all in this
new diet. You may want to consult
your doctor before embarking
on this diet, otherwise, you
may be seeing him afterwards.
Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg,
one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of
egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of
toast, then smear the jelly over
your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color),
a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips
only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies
and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw
a piece of toast on the kitchen
floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast
from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla
extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating
Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day
sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked
bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with
plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's
sucker from rug, lick off fuzz,
put it on the cushion of best
chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful
of potato chips, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch
through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of
toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a
glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off
kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker
and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti
onto back of dog, insert
meatball into ear. Dump
pudding into Kool-aid and suck up
with a straw.
REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!
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Subj:
Sesame Street: Ernie and his Rubber Duckie (S721)
From: Karen S Dexheimer on Facebook on 11/5/2010 (in Bathroom-Supp) |
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Subj: Lifesaver
Study (S182, S713b)
From: mbucher on 7/22/00
A researcher was doing a study
of children's senses in a
first-grade class using a bowl
of Lifesavers. He gave each
child a Lifesaver and asked
them, "What is the flavor, and
what color is it?"
The children began to say, "cherry/red,
then lemon/yellow,
lime/green, orange/orange, etc."
Finally, he gave them all
honey-flavor Lifesavers.
The children sucked on them for
a while, but they couldn't decipher
the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you
a clue. It's what your mother
would call your father."
One little girl looked up in
horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
"Everybody, spit it out, they're
assholes!"
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Subj: Noah's
Ark (S154)
From: collins2 on 01/08/2000
All I really need to know about
Life, I learned from Noah's
Ark:
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Don't forget we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead-it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
4. Stay fit- when you're
600 years old someone might ask you
to
do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics,
just get on with what has to be
done.
6. For safety's sake travel in pairs.
7. Two heads are better than one.
8. Build your future on high ground.
9. Speed isn't always
an advantage- after all, the snails
were
on the same ark with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, float awhile.
11. Remember the ark was
built by amateurs; the Titanic was
built
by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers
inside are a larger threat
than
the storm outside.
13. No matter the storm,
when God is with you, there's a
rainbow
waiting.
Perhaps the above can serve as
some useful reminders for
ushering in the new year and
the new millennium. Isn't it
amazing what can be gleamed
from ancient stories when we
embrace a slight shift of perception!
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Subj: Really
Important Stuff My Kids Taught Me (S147)
From: smiles on 11/27/1999
Stored as 'Important Thinks I've Learned From Kids' in THOUGHTS-KIDS
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Subj: Eric
And The Dread Gazebo (S143)
From: jmholmes on 10/23/1999
This has long been one of my
favorites, and lately my 10
year old has been playing D?D
the old fashioned way, so
maybe it's topical again:
If you're familiar with
role playing games you might
enjoy this. I give
you the tale of Eric and the Dread
Gazebo.
... In the early seventies
Ed Whitchurch ran "his game",
and one of the participants
was Eric Sorenson.
Eric plays something like
a computer. When he games he
methodically considers
each possibility before choosing
his preferred option.
If given time he will invariably
pick the optimal solution.
It has been known to take
weeks. He is otherwise,
in all respects, a superior
gamer.
Eric was playing a Nuetral
Paladin in Ed's game. He
was on some lord's lands
when the following exchange
occurred:
ED:
You see a well groomed garden. In the middle,
on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED:
(Pause) It's about 30 feet across, 15 feet high,
with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a -gazebo-.
ERIC: (Pause)
I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and
arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it
with my bow (roll to hit). What
happened?
ED:
There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking
out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED:
It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want
to try to destroy it you could try to chop it with
an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it,
but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's
a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause.
He has no axe or fire spells) I
run away.
ED:
(Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've
awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching
for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-
using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.
At this point the increasingly
amused fellow party members
restored a modicum of
order by explaining what a gazebo is.
Thus ends the tale of
Eric and the Dread Gazebo. A little
vocabulary is a dangerous
thing.
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Subj: Short
Kid Jokes
| Subj:
12 Great Kid Photos (S590 in Kids Pictures)
From: tom on 5/8/2008 |
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Top
Subj: 'Because'
Isn't A Reason (S415b)
From: igiggle on 1/9/2005
Andrew asked his father, "Why
can't you give me money to go
on a trip with my friends?"
The father said, "Because!"
Andrew said, "Because is no answer."
His father asked, "Why isn't 'Because' an answer?"
Andrew said, "Because!"
Top
Subj: Crayon
Color Quiz (S380b)
From: igiggle on 5/8/2004
How well do you know your crayons?
Find out by playing
this internet quiz at
http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz.cfm?qid=121504
 |
Subj:
If Dads Raised The Kids (S378)
From: Imogenelumen on 4/21/2004 |
Top
Subj: Little
Things Are Cute (S331, S629b)
From: gomilpitas on 6/7/2003
Kids are cute. Babies
are cute. Puppies are cute. All
little things are cute.
See, God did this on purpose so
that we would want to take care
of our young. Made them
cute. Tricked us.
Gradually they get older and
older, until one day your
mother sits you down and says,
"You know, I think you're
ugly enough to get your own
apartment."
| Subj:
The History of Toys (S362b)
From: igiggle on 1/2/2004 |
 |
Top
Subj: The
Perfect Son (S319)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/4/2003
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have
the perfect son.
How old is he?
A: He will be six months old
next Wednesday.
Top
Subj: Kid
Visits The Elderly (S306b, S629)
From: gheckman on 12/9/2002
While working for an organization
that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used
to take my four-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued
by the various appliances
of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheel-
chairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy
will never believe this!"
Top
Subj: Son
Compared To Lincoln (S264b)
From: CatScratch on 2/17/2002
A father noticed that his son
was spending way too much
time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate
the boy into focusing more attention
on his schoolwork,
the father said to his son,
"When Abe Lincoln was your
age, he was studying books by
the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln
was your age, he was The
President of The United States."
Top
Subj: Being
Adopted (S213)
From: flovilla on 3/1/2001
Teacher Debbie Moon's first
graders were discussing a
picture of a family. One
little boy in the picture had a
different color hair than the
other family members. One
child suggested that he was
adopted and a little girl
said, "I know all about adoptions
because I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means," said the girl, "that
you grew in your mommy's
heart instead of her tummy."
Top
Subj: Caring
Children Contest (S213)
From: flovilla on 3/1/2001
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia
once talked about a
contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest
was to find the most caring
child.
The winner was a four year old
child whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost
his wife. Upon seeing
the man cry, the little boy went
into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and
just sat there. When his
mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little
boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."
Top
Subj: Parent
Stubbs Toe (S213)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/3/2001
When my wife quit work to take
care of our new baby
daughter, countless hours of
peek-a-boo and other games
slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her
bare toes on the corner
of a dresser and, grabbing her
foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled
eyes and managed to
moan, "It's the piggy that ate
roast beef."
| Top
Subj: Johnny Wants A Piece Of Cake (S187) From: thebartend on 09/01/2000 |
 |
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
Later, when his mother brought
him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Gee,
it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy
said that in order to get a
piece around here, you have
to spend a couple of hours
playing first!"
Top
Subj: Children's
Day
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
In India, 14th November is celebrated
as Children's Day
(It is dedicated in the memory
of the first Prime Minister
who loved children). A
kid was asked "Why 14th November is
celebrated as Children's day
?" He replied with a smirk,
"Because it is 9 months after
Valentine's Day"
|
|
Subj:
Wanting Mom To Sleep With Him During Storm (S178)
From: thebartend on 6/29/00 . Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images |
His mother smiled and gave him
a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at
last by a shaken little voice
saying, "He's a big sissy!"
Top
Subj: Disobeying
Mother (S176)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/16/00
Jimmy's mom dragged him in front
of his dad during the
football game.
"Talk to your son," she said.
"He refuses to obey a word
I say."
The father turned to Jimmy angrily.
"Jimmy, how dare you
disobey your mother. Do
you think you're better than your
old man?"
Top
Subj: Two
Boys Argue Over Whose Dad Is Better (S176)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/16/00
Two little boys, one blond,
one with brown hair, were
arguing over whose father could
beat the other' up.
The brown-haired kid said, "My
father is way better than
yours."
The blond came back, "Maybe,
but my mother is better than
yours."
"That's what my father says."
Top
Subj: Boy
And Girl To Play Doctor (S175)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00
A little boy and a little girl
were sitting on the porch
talking, when the little girl
asked, "Do you want to get
undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied, "That's
too old fashioned...spit
out your gum. I want to play
President."
Top
Subj: Boy
And Girl Play House (S157)
From: FrankRoesch on 02/02/2000
A little girl and a little boy
were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy
and says,
"Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you
want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you
to communicate."
He says to her, "that word is
too big. I have no idea
what it means."
The little girl smirks and says,
"Perfect. You can be
the husband."
Top
Subj: Birds
and the Bees (S154, S517c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/14/2000
Morris asks his son, now aged
10, if he knows about the
birds and the bees. "I
don't want to know!" the child
said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his
son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age
six I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech. At age
seven I got the 'there's no Easter
bunny' speech. Then at
age 8 you hit me with the 'there's
no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now
that grown-ups don't really
have sex, I've got nothing
left to live for!"
Top
Subj: Grandparents
Raising Kids (S136)
From: NEA Today, September 1999
Over 5 million American children,
about 8 percent of the
total, live with grandparents,
says a new Census report.
Households led by grandmoms
are the most likely to be
poor.
Top
Subj: The
Most Caring Child (S131b)
From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia
once talked about
a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
contest was to find the most
caring child. The winner
was a four year old child whose
next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who
had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto
his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what
he had said to the
neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped
him cry."
Top
Subj: What
It Means to Be Adopted (S131b)
From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
Teacher Debbie Moon's first
graders were discussing
a picture of a family.
One little boy in the picture had
a different color hair than
the other family members. One
child suggested that he was
adopted and a little girl
said, "I know all about adoptions
because I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?"
asked another child.
"It means," said the girl, "that
you grew in your mommy's
heart instead of her tummy."
Top
Subj: Discouraged?
(S131b)
From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
As I was driving home from work
one day, I stopped to
watch a local Little League
baseball game that was
being played in a park near
my home.
As I sat down behind the bench
on the first-base line, I
asked one of the boys what the
score was. "We're
behind 14 to nothing," he answered
with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to
say you don't look very
discouraged." "Discouraged?"
the boy asked with
a puzzled look on his face.
"Why should we be
discouraged? We haven't
been up to bat yet."
Top
Subj: Roles
And How We Play Them (S131b)
From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
Whenever I'm disappointed with
my spot in my life,
I stop and think about little
Jamie Scott. Jamie was
trying out for a part in a school
play. His mother told
me that he'd set his heart on
being in it, though she
feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts
were awarded, I went with her
to collect him after
school. Jamie rushed up
to her, eyes shining with
pride and excitement. "Guess
what Mom," he shouted,
and then said those words that
will remain a lesson to me:
"I've been chosen to clap and
cheer."
Top
Subj: A Lesson
In Heart (S131b)
From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
A lesson in "heart" is my little,
10 year old daughter,
Sarah, who was born with a muscle
missing in her foot
and wears a brace all the time.
She came home one
beautiful spring day to tell
me she had competed in
"field day" - that's where they
have lots of races and
other competitive events.
Because of her leg support,
my mind raced as I tried to
think of encouragement for
my Sarah, things I could say
to her about not letting this
get her down - but before I
could get a word out, she
said "Daddy, I won two of the
races!" I couldn't believe
it! And then Sarah said,
"I had an advantage." Ah. I
knew it. I thought she
must have been given a head
start...some kind of physical
advantage. But again,
before I could say anything,
she said, "Daddy, I didn't
get a head start... My advantage
was I had to try harder!"
Top
Subj: Woman
Gives Up Twins (S126b, S610c)
From: FrankRoesc on 6/27/99
and
From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
A woman has twins, and gives
them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt
and is named Amal. The other
goes to a family in Spain; they
name him Juan. Years later
Juan sends a picture of himself
to his Mom. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are
twins--once you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal.
Top
Subj: Keeping
Albert Calm
From: ipkis on 97-10-11
In the supermarket was a man
pushing a cart which contained
a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Don't get excited,
Albert; don't scream, Albert;
don't yell, Albert; keep calm,
Albert."
A woman standing next to him
said, "You certainly are to be
commended for trying to soothe
your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said,
"Lady, I'm Albert."
Top
Subj: Two
Poor Kids At A Pool (S41)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
Two poor kids were invited by
a rich kid to a swimming party
at his pool.
When they were changing into
their swim trunks, one turned
to the other and said, "Did
you notice the small dicks on
all the rich kids?"
Other answered, "Yeah! It's probably
because they have toys
to play with!"
2 preteen tweekers were walking
down the street.
The first said "I'm going to
be a fireman when I
streighten out
my life."
The second said "I'm going to
be a vitamine when I
streighten out
mine."
The first answered "You can't
be a vitamine."
The second said "Sure I can
dude. I was walking down a
street last week and I saw a
billboard 'VITAMINE B1'."
The world's youngest parents
were 8 and 9 and in lived
in China in 1910.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #166
Two five year old boys are sitting
in a hospital room. One
leans over to the other and
says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy saysm "Oh, man!
I had that done right after I
was born. I couldn't walk
for a year!"
From: humorlist-digest V1 #207 on 97-09-26
Jon's 6 year old son asked you
what a penis was. Jon
whipped yours out and said,
"Son, *this* is a penis.
As a matter of fact, it's
a *perfect* penis".
The next day, Jon's son was playing
with the little girl
next door and *she* asked what
a penis was. He whipped
his out and said, "*This* is
a penis. As a matter of fact,
if it was four inches shorter,
it'd be a *perfect* penis."
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
Babies are born without knee
caps. They don't
appear until the child reaches
2-6 years of age.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30
"Children are a sexually transmitted
disease." -- Unknown
From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
Kids in the back seat cause
accidents;
accidents in the back seat causekids.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/28/2001
(S239)
"Never allow your child to call
you by your first name.
He hasn't known you long enough."
-- Fran Lebowitz
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/26/2001
(S239)
"You get a lot of tension.
You get a lot of headaches.
I do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: Take two and
keep away from children."
-- Roseanne
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001
(S254)
"Sound really does travel slower
than light. The advice
parents give to their 18-year-olds
doesn't reach them
until they're about 40."
-- Unknown.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
"A happy childhood is one of
the best gifts that parents
have it in their power to bestow."
-- Mary Cholondeley
From: dogbyte on 2/11/2002 (S263)
Learn from your parents' mistakes:
Use birth control!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/27/2002
(S264)
"If your parents never had children,
chances
are you won't, either."
-- Dick Cavett
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
(S269)
The sole purpose of a child's
middle name is
so he can tell when he's really
in trouble.
From: dogbyte on 6/14/2002 (S280b)
Boy (noun): A noise with dirt
on it.
The most interesting information
comes from children,
for they tell all they know
and then stop. -- Mark Twain
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/18/2005 (S443b)
"How sharper than a serpent's
tooth it is
To have a thankless child!"
-- William Shakespeare
(1564 - 1616), "King Lear",
Act 1 scene 4
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99
(S126b)
Q: Which sexual position produces
the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/8/2001
(S219)
Q: What's the difference between
boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
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