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Subj:     Kids4 Jokes
                 (Includes 63 jokes and articles, 15 1027,11,cf,wXT2b4,6)

Girl with Paddle from
PageWorks
Includes the following:  Tundra Comics (S966)
.........................Bumbo II, The Return - Video (S548)
.........................Before and After Children (S466b)
.........................Taking Baby Missy To The Store (S196, S669)
.........................Walmart Baby (S631c)
.........................A Baby On The Patch - Cartoon (S450b)
.........................Preparation For Parenthood (S241b)
.........................Children's Bill Of Rights (S215)
.........................Toddler Diet (S213)
.........................Learning To Use Grown Up Words (S20, S570)
.........................Sesame Street: Ernie and his Rubber Duckie - Video (S721)
.........................Lifesaver Study (S182, S713b)
.........................Noah's Ark (S154)
.........................Photography By John Wilhelm (S903)
.........................Really Important Stuff My Kids Taught Me (S147)
.........................Eric And The Dread Gazebo (S143)
.........................Saturday Evening Post Cartoon (S1027)
                         Short Kid Jokes
..............................Kid Visits The Elderly (S306b, S862)
..............................What It Means to Be Adopted (S131b)
..............................12 Great Kid Photos (S590)
..............................'Because' Isn't A Reason (S415b)
..............................Crayon Color Quiz (S380b)
..............................If Dads Raised The Kids (S378)
..............................Little Things Are Cute (S331, S629b)
..............................Caring Children Contest (S213)
..............................The History of Toys (S362b)
..............................The Perfect Son (S319)
..............................Son Compared To Lincoln (S264b)
..............................Parent Stubbs Toe (S213)
..............................Johnny Wants A Piece Of Cake (S187)
..............................Children's Day
..............................Wanting Mom To Sleep W/Him During Storm (S178)
..............................Disobeying Mother (S176)
..............................Two Boys Argue Over Whose Dad Is Better (S176)
..............................Boy And Girl To Play Doctor (S175)
..............................Boy And Girl Play House (S157)
..............................Birds and the Bees (S154, S517c)
..............................Grandparents Raising Kids (S136)
..............................The Most Caring Child (S131b)
..............................Discouraged? (S131b)
..............................Roles And How We Play Them (S131b)
..............................A Lesson In Heart (S131b)
..............................Woman Gives Up Twins (S126b, S610c)
..............................Keeping Albert Calm
..............................Two Poor Kids At A Pool (S41)

KIDS1 and 2 contains jokes
KIDS3 contains oddities, and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Tundra Comics (S966)
          Created by Chad Carpenter
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/tundracomics/photos/pb.226320097380341.-220752
.........0000.1437663208.-2207520000.1437663208./1019315428080800/?type=1&theater
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Top
Subj:     Bumbo II, The Return (S548d)
          From: sfo_pilot on 7/14/2007
 Source: (Removed from video.yahoo.com)

 This homemade video of a baby's adventure is hilarious.
 You can watch it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Before and After Children (S466b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/23/2005

 BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to
 vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience
 a different way of life in a new culture.

 AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all
 the way down the driveway to get the mail.

 BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian
 cookbook.

 AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey
 hotline.

 BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to
 share with my loved ones.

 AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom
 door.

 BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like
 custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.

 AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and
 misses my good shoes.

 BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.

 AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.

Top
Subj:     Walmart Baby (S631c,d)
          From: gordonschuk on 2/7/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/eycW2K0zOIE

 In this video a man is squeezed into a baby stroller.  The
 stroller with a tape of a baby crying is placed in front
 of Walmart.  What happens when people come to the babies
 rescue?  Click 'HERE' to see this silly, dumb video.

Top
Subj:     Taking Baby Missy To The Store (S196, S669)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/01/2000
      and From: tom on 11/5/2009

 A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a 3-year-old
 girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the
 little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.
 The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and
 the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of
 the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be
 long."

 In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for
 treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to
 kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There,
 there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
 then we'll be checking out."

 When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat
 immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when
 her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently
 said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five
 minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a
 nice snooze."

 The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped
 the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how
 patient you were with little Missy," he said.

 The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's
 name is Francine - I'm Missy."

Top
Subj:     A Baby On The Patch - Cartoon (S450b)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
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Top
Subj:     Preparation For Parenthood (S241b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-25
      and From: Cypriot on 9/13/2001

 Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading
 books and decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests
 for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the
 real-life experience of being a mother or father.

 1.   Women:  To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
 gown and stick a beanbag down the front.  Leave it there
 for 9 months.  After 9 months, remove 10% of the beans.

      Men:  To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store,
 tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
 pharmacist to help himself.  Then go to the supermarket.
 Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
 office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for the
 last time.

 2.   Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a
 couple who are already parents and berate them about their
 methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
 tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
 to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve
 their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
 manners and overall behavior.  Enjoy it - it'll be the last
 time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

 3.   To discover how the nights feel, walk around the
 living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
 approximately 8-12 lbs.  At 10pm, put down the bag, set
 the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  Get up at 12
 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until
 1 am.  Put the alarm on for 3 am.  As you can't back to
 sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink.  Go to bed at 2:45
 am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing
 songs in the dark until 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am.
 Get up.  Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.  Look
 cheerful.

 4.   Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out,
 smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
 Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all
 summer.  Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them
 on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How
 does that look?

 5.   Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
 first buy an octopus and a draw-string bag.  Attempt to put
 the octopus into the draw-string bag so that none of the
 arms hang out.  Time allowed for this - all morning.

 6.   Take an egg carton, and using a pair of scissors and
 a can of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a
 toilet tube, and using only scotch tape and a piece of
 foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a milk
 container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco
 Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
 Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on
 the playgroup committee.

 7.   Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van.  And don't think
 you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining;
 family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
 bar and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there.
 Get a quarter and stick it in the cassette player.  Take a
 family-size packet of chocolate cookies and mash them down
 the back seats.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the
 car.  There-Perfect!

 8.   Get ready to go out.  Wait outside the toilet for half
 an hour.  Go out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.
 Come back in.  Go out again.  Walk down the front path.
 Walk back up it.  Walk down it again.  Walk slowly down
 the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
 cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
 and dead insect along the way.  Retrace your steps.  Scream
 that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
 neighbors come out and stare at you.  Give up and go back
 in the house.  You are now just about ready to try taking
 a small child for a walk.  (Husbands, you probably have
 already experienced this).

 9.   Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 10.  Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the
 nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully
 grown goat is excellent.  If you intend to have more than
 one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's
 groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
 Pay for everything the goats destroy or eat.  Until you
 can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having
 children.

 11.  Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.
 Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
 Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon
 it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
 Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone.  Tip the
 rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
 the floor.  You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

 12.  Learn the names of every character from Barney and
 Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
 When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me"
 at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent!

Top
Subj:     Children's Bill Of Rights (S215, S588b)
          From: flovilla on 3/12/2001
      and From: Gordonschuk on 4/18/2007

 You can read this cute poem with pictures by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Toddler Diet (S213)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/2/2001

 People are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble
 with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
 starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid
 diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).  Consequently,
 people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
 Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the
 years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
 Now the formula to their success is available to all in this
 new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking
 on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.
 Good Luck!

 DAY ONE
 Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
 jelly.  Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
 on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over
 your face and clothes.
 Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
 and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
 Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
 Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen
 floor.

 DAY TWO
 Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
 Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
 dye.
 Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
 of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.
 Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
 outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until
 it is clean again.  Then bring inside and drop on rug.
 Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
 up your left nostril.  Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed
 potatoes; eat with spoon.

 DAY THREE
 Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
 fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
 pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterday's
 sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best
 chair.
 Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit
 several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table
 and slurp up.
 Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
 punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

 FINAL DAY
 Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
 soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
 add half a cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
 and feed cereal to dog.
 Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
 carpet.  Find that sucker and finish eating it.
 Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert
 meatball into ear.  Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up
 with a straw.

 REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

Top
Subj:     Learning To Use Grown Up Words (S20, S570)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11
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Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 The kindergartners were now in the first grade.  Their teacher
 wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in
 kindergarten.  She told them to use grown-up words instead of
 baby words.  She then asked them to tell her what they did
 during the summer.

 The first little one said he went to see his Nana.  The teacher
 said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-
 up word."

 The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
 The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train.
 That's the grown-up word."

 Then the teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he
 did during the summer.  He proudly stated that he read a book.
 The teacher asked what book he had read.

 Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
 "Winnie the Shit."

Top
Subj:     Sesame Street: Ernie and his Rubber Duckie (S721d)
          From: Karen S Dexheimer on Facebook
          on 11/5/2010 (in Bathroom-Supp)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Mh85R-S-dh8
 Source2: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-Mh85R-S-dh8/
..........sesame_street_ernie_and_his_rubber_duckie/
 Source3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_Duckie
 "Rubber Duckie" is a song sung by the Muppet character Ernie
 (voiced by Jim Henson) on Sesame Street.  The song is named
 after Ernie's toy, a rubber duck affectionately named Rubber Duckie.
 The song became a surprise mainstream hit, reaching #16 on the
 Billboard Hot 100 in September 1970 and #14 on the Australian
 Singles Chart in December that same year.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this classic Sesame Street skit.

Top
Subj:     Lifesaver Study (S182, S713b)
          From: mbucher on 7/22/00

 A researcher was doing a study of children's senses in a
 first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers.  He gave each
 child a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and
 what color is it?"

 The children began to say, "cherry/red, then lemon/yellow,
 lime/green, orange/orange, etc."  Finally, he gave them all
 honey-flavor Lifesavers.  The children sucked on them for
 a while, but they couldn't decipher the taste.

 "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother
 would call your father."

 One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
 "Everybody, spit it out, they're assholes!"

Top
Subj:     Noah's Ark (S154)
          From: collins2 on 01/08/2000

 All I really need to know about Life, I learned from Noah's
 Ark:

  1.  Don't miss the boat.

  2.  Don't forget we're all in the same boat.

  3.  Plan ahead-it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

  4.  Stay fit- when you're 600 years old someone might ask you
      to do something really big.

  5.  Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be
      done.

  6.  For safety's sake travel in pairs.

  7.  Two heads are better than one.

  8.  Build your future on high ground.

  9.  Speed isn't always an advantage- after all, the snails
      were on the same ark with the cheetahs.

 10.  When you're stressed, float awhile.

 11.  Remember the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was
      built by professionals.

 12.  Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat
      than the storm outside.

 13.  No matter the storm, when God is with you, there's a
      rainbow waiting.

 Perhaps the above can serve as some useful reminders for
 ushering in the new year and the new millennium.  Isn't it
 amazing what can be gleamed from ancient stories when we
 embrace a slight shift of perception!

Top
Subj:     Photography By John Wilhelm (S903d)
 Source: http://mashable.com/2014/05/07/creative-family-
.........portraits/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link
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Click.
 to see what suprised the
...........little girl.
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Top
Subj:     Really Important Stuff My Kids Taught Me (S147)
          From: smiles on 11/27/1999

 Stored as 'Important Thinks I've Learned From Kids' in THOUGHTS-KIDS

Top
Subj:     Eric And The Dread Gazebo (S143)
          From: jmholmes on 10/23/1999

 This has long been one of my favorites, and lately my 10
 year old has been playing DD the old fashioned way, so
 maybe it's topical again:

   If you're familiar with role playing games you might
   enjoy this.  I give you the tale of Eric and the Dread
   Gazebo.

   ... In the early seventies Ed Whitchurch ran "his game",
   and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson.

   Eric plays something like a computer.  When he games he
   methodically considers each possibility before choosing
   his preferred option.  If given time he will invariably
   pick the optimal solution.  It has been known to take
   weeks.  He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior
   gamer.

   Eric was playing a Nuetral Paladin in Ed's game.  He
   was on some lord's lands when the following exchange
   occurred:

   ED:    You see a well groomed garden.  In the middle,
          on a small hill, you see a gazebo.

   ERIC:  A gazebo?  What color is it?

   ED:    (Pause)  It's white, Eric.

   ERIC:  How far away is it?

   ED:    About 50 yards.

   ERIC:  How big is it?

   ED:    (Pause)  It's about 30 feet across, 15 feet high,
          with a pointed top.

   ERIC:  I use my sword to detect good on it.

   ED:    It's not good, Eric.  It's a gazebo.

   ERIC:  (Pause)  I call out to it.

   ED:    It won't answer.  It's a -gazebo-.

   ERIC:  (Pause)  I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and
          arrows.  Does it respond in any way?

   ED:    No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

   ERIC:  I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit).  What
          happened?

   ED:    There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking
          out of it.

   ERIC:  (Pause)  Wasn't it wounded?

   ED:    OF COURSE NOT, ERIC!  IT'S A GAZEBO!!

   ERIC:  (Whimper)  But that was a +3 arrow!

   ED:    It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO!  If you really want
          to try to destroy it you could try to chop it with
          an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it,
          but I don't know why anybody would even try.  It's
          a @#$%!! gazebo!

   ERIC:  (Long pause.  He has no axe or fire spells)   I
          run away.

   ED:    (Thoroughly frustrated)  It's too late.  You've
          awakened the gazebo.  It catches you and eats you.

   ERIC:  (Reaching for his dice)  Maybe I'll roll up a fire-
          using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

   At this point the increasingly amused fellow party members
   restored a modicum of order by explaining what a gazebo is.

   Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo.  A little
   vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

Top
Subj:     Saturday Evening Post Cartoon (S1027)
          From: Fred's mother on 9/15/2016
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Subj:     Short Kid Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Kid Visits The Elderly (S306b, S862)
          From: gheckman on 12/9/2002
 While working for an organization that delivers lunches
 to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old
 daughter on my afternoon rounds.

 She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
 of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheel-
 chairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false
 teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the
 inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
 whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
 

Top
Subj:     What It Means to Be Adopted (S131b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
 Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing
 a picture of a family.  One little boy in the picture had
 a different color hair than the other family members.  One
 child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl
 said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted."
 "What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
 "It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's
 heart instead of her tummy."
 

Top
Subj:     12 Great Kid Photos (S590 in Kids Pictures)
          From: tom on 5/8/2008
 You can see these twelve great kid's photos on my
 site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     'Because' Isn't A Reason (S415b)
          From: igiggle on 1/9/2005
 Andrew asked his father, "Why can't you give me money to go
 on a trip with my friends?"

 The father said, "Because!"

 Andrew said, "Because is no answer."

 His father asked, "Why isn't 'Because' an answer?"

 Andrew said, "Because!"
 

Top
Subj:     Crayon Color Quiz (S380b)
          From: igiggle on 5/8/2004
 Source:  (Removed from funtrivia.com)
 How well do you know your crayons?  This quiz which
 has been removed, tested your knowledge.
 

Top
Subj:     If Dads Raised The Kids (S378)
          From: Imogenelumen on 4/21/2004
 You can see the 'If Dads Raised The Kids' on my site
 by clicking 'Here'.
 

Top
Subj:     Little Things Are Cute (S331, S629b)
          From: gomilpitas on 6/7/2003
 Kids are cute.  Babies are cute.  Puppies are cute.  All
 little things are cute.  See, God did this on purpose so
 that we would want to take care of our young.  Made them
 cute.  Tricked us.

 Gradually they get older and older, until one day your
 mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're
 ugly enough to get your own apartment."
 

Top
Subj:     Caring Children Contest (S213)
          From: flovilla on 3/1/2001
 Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a
 contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the contest
 was to find the most caring child.

 The winner was a four year old child whose next door
 neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost
 his wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went
 into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and
 just sat there.  When his mother asked him what he had
 said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
 just helped him cry."
 

Top
Subj:     The History of Toys (S362b)
          From: igiggle on 1/2/2004
 Source:  http://www.littlekidstuff.com/
..........timeline_of_toys_article.htm
 You can see the Timeline of History of Toys by clicking 'Here'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     The Perfect Son (S319)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/4/2003
 A: I have the perfect son.
 B: Does he smoke?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: Does he drink whiskey?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: Does he ever come home late?
 A: No, he doesn't.
 B: I guess you really do have the perfect son.
    How old is he?
 A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Son Compared To Lincoln (S264b)
          From: CatScratch on 2/17/2002
 A father noticed that his son was spending way too much
 time playing computer games.  In an effort to motivate
 the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork,
 the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your
 age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

 The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The
 President of The United States."
 

Top
Subj:     Parent Stubbs Toe (S213)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/3/2001
 When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby
 daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games
 slowly took their toll.

 One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner
 of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

 I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.

 She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to
 moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

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Top
Subj:     Johnny Wants A Piece Of Cake (S187)
          From: thebartend on 09/01/2000
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making
 a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the
 next two hours.  I sure would like a piece of cake when
 you're finished."

 Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
 Little Johnny exclaimed, "Gee, it worked!"

 Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

 Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a
 piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours
 playing first!"
 

Top
Subj:     Children's Day
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
 In India, 14th November is celebrated as Children's Day
 (It is dedicated in the memory of the first Prime Minister
 who loved children).  A kid was asked "Why 14th November is
 celebrated as Children's day ?"  He replied with a smirk,
 "Because it is 9 months after Valentine's Day"
 

Top
Subj:     Wanting Mom To Sleep With Him During Storm (S178)
          From: thebartend on 6/29/00
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Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images
 Little Johnny's mother was tucking him into bed one summer
 evening, during a violent thunderstorm.  She was about to
 turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
 "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

 His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
 dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

 A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
 saying, "He's a big sissy!"
 

Top
Subj:     Disobeying Mother (S176)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/16/00
 Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the
 football game.

 "Talk to your son," she said.  "He refuses to obey a word
 I say."

 The father turned to Jimmy angrily.  "Jimmy, how dare you
 disobey your mother.  Do you think you're better than your
 old man?"
 

Top
Subj:     Two Boys Argue Over Whose Dad Is Better (S176)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/16/00
 Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were
 arguing over whose father could beat the other' up.

 The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than
 yours."

 The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than
 yours."

 "That's what my father says."
 

Top
Subj:     Boy And Girl To Play Doctor (S175)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00
 A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch
 talking, when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get
 undressed and we can play doctor?"

 The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned...spit
 out your gum. I want to play President."
 

Top
Subj:     Boy And Girl Play House (S157)
          From: FrankRoesch on 02/02/2000
 A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
 The girl approaches the boy and says,
 "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
 He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
 The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
 He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea
    what it means."
 The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be
    the husband."
 

Top
Subj:     Birds and the Bees (S154, S517c)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/14/2000
 Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the
 birds and the bees.  "I don't want to know!"  the child
 said, bursting into tears.  Confused, the father asked his
 son what was wrong.

 "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no
 Santa' speech.  At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter
 bunny' speech.  Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's
 no tooth fairy' speech!  If you're going to tell me now
 that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
 left to live for!"
 

Top
Subj:     Grandparents Raising Kids (S136)
          From: NEA Today, September 1999
 Over 5 million American children, about 8 percent of the
 total, live with grandparents, says a new Census report.
 Households led by grandmoms are the most likely to be
 poor.
 

Top
Subj:     The Most Caring Child (S131b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
  Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about
  a contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the
  contest was to find the most caring child.  The winner
  was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
  was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
  gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

  When his mother asked him what he had said to the
  neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped
  him cry."
 

Top
Subj:     Discouraged? (S131b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
 As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to
 watch a local Little League baseball game that was
 being played in a park near my home.
 As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I
 asked one of the boys what the score was.  "We're
 behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
 "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
 discouraged."  "Discouraged?" the boy asked with
 a puzzled look on his face.  "Why should we be
 discouraged?  We haven't been up to bat yet."
 

Top
Subj:     Roles And How We Play Them (S131b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
 Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life,
 I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.  Jamie was
 trying out for a part in a school play.  His mother told
 me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she
 feared he would not be chosen.  On the day the parts
 were awarded, I went with her to collect him after
 school.  Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with
 pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted,
 and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me:
 "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
 

Top
Subj:     A Lesson In Heart (S131b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/3/99
 A lesson in "heart" is my little, 10 year old daughter,
 Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot
 and wears a brace all the time. She came home one
 beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in
 "field day" - that's where they have lots of races and
 other competitive events.  Because of her leg support,
 my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for
 my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this
 get her down - but before I could get a word out, she
 said "Daddy, I won two of the races!"  I couldn't believe
 it!  And then Sarah said, "I had an advantage."  Ah. I
 knew it.  I thought she must have been given a head
 start...some kind of physical advantage.  But again,
 before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't
 get a head start... My advantage was I had to try harder!"
 

Top
Subj:     Woman Gives Up Twins (S126b, S610c)
          From: FrankRoesc on 6/27/99
      and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of
 them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.  The other
 goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.  Years later
 Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom.  Upon receiving
 the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
 had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are
 twins--once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
 

Top
Subj:     Keeping Albert Calm
          From: ipkis on 97-10-11
 In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained
 a screaming, bellowing baby.  The gentleman kept repeating
 softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert;
 don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

 A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be
 commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

 The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
 

Top
Subj:     Two Poor Kids At A Pool (S41)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
 Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party
 at his pool.

 When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned
 to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on
 all the rich kids?"

 Other answered, "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys
 to play with!"

 2 preteen tweekers were walking down the street.
 The first said "I'm going to be a fireman when I
    streighten out my life."
 The second said "I'm going to be a vitamine when I
    streighten out mine."
 The first answered "You can't be a vitamine."
 The second said "Sure I can dude.  I was walking down a
 street last week and I saw a billboard 'VITAMINE B1'."
 

 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived
    in China in 1910.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #166
 Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital room.  One
 leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

 The other says, "Circumcision."

 The first boy saysm "Oh, man! I had that done right after I
 was born.  I couldn't walk for a year!"

From: humorlist-digest V1 #207 on 97-09-26
 Jon's 6 year old son asked you what a penis was.  Jon
 whipped yours out and said, "Son, *this* is a penis.
 As a matter of fact,  it's a *perfect* penis".

 The next day, Jon's son was playing with the little girl
 next door and *she* asked what a penis was.  He whipped
 his out and said, "*This* is a penis.  As a matter of fact,
 if it was four inches shorter, it'd be a *perfect* penis."

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
 Babies are born without knee caps. They don't
 appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30
 "Children are a sexually transmitted disease."  -- Unknown

From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
 Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
 accidents in the back seat causekids.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/28/2001 (S239)
 "Never allow your child to call you by your first name.
 He hasn't known you long enough."  -- Fran Lebowitz

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/26/2001 (S239)
 "You get a lot of tension.  You get a lot of headaches.
 I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and
 keep away from children."  -- Roseanne

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001 (S254)
 "Sound really does travel slower than light.  The advice
 parents give to their 18-year-olds doesn't reach them
 until they're about 40."  -- Unknown.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
 "A happy childhood is one of the best gifts that parents
 have it in their power to bestow."  -- Mary Cholondeley

From: dogbyte on 2/11/2002 (S263)
 Learn from your parents' mistakes:
 Use birth control!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/27/2002 (S264)
 "If your parents never had children, chances
 are you won't, either."  -- Dick Cavett

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002 (S269)
 The sole purpose of a child's middle name is
 so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

From: dogbyte on 6/14/2002 (S280b)
 Boy (noun): A noise with dirt on it.

 The most interesting information comes from children,
 for they tell all they know and then stop.   --  Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsClean on 7/18/2005 (S443b)
 "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
  To have a thankless child!"  -- William Shakespeare
  (1564 - 1616), "King Lear", Act 1 scene 4
 

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99 (S126b)
 Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
 A: Ask your mother.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/8/2001 (S219)
 Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
 A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

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