marriage1

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Subj: Marriage1 Jokes
(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 07843n,3,cf,md4,2)

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The
wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much
better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she
was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her
husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars
and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She
was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then
she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you,
I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I
loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

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Subj: Second - Couple Goes To Halloween Party (DU)
From: TheBartend on 97-08-20

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got
mad and stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt
for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out
of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came
back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

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Subj: Tits And Toilet Paper (S02, S569c)
From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-19

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys
her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now
she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front
of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow
over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't
it?"

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Subj: Heatin' Up The Weber (S276, S604c)
From: gheckman on 10/23/2001

While out pulling weeds in her garden on a beautiful sunny
day, Peg's husband sat on the porch admiring the view.
"Peg", he says to her, "you're getting a bit broad in the
beam. I think that you must be as wide as the Weber over
there. Insulted, Peg looked over at the Weber, down at her
backside and said, "Les, you're getting old and blind, I'm
no where near that wide.

Les, to prove his point got his tape measurer out and walked
over to measure the Weber, then measured Peg (I can't believe
she let him). "See, I told you," Les proudly proclaimed.
Peg kept weeding.

Later that night, feeling amorous, Les nuzzled up to Peg and
lightly stroked her hair. Peg rolled over with her back to
to Les and said, "You're crazy if you think I'm gonna heat
up this Weber for one little weenie".

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Subj: Wanting Sex At Night (S605b)

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"

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Subj: Wheelbarrow Position (S33, DU)
From: Playboy February 1997

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counxelor suggested they
vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might
try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you
go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as
they got home. "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on
two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away.
And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go
past my mother's."

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Subj:     Our Jobs - Picture (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/20/2004
          At: www.ezines4all.com/at200408/017.htm

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Subj:     Will Husband Remarry? (S584b, S726)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/19/2008
      and From: darrellvip on 12/7/2010

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SHIT."

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Subj: Groping Your Spouse (S608)

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his
wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one
of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you
wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her
shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a
bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he
laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife
grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit,
I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

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Subj: Spousal Abuse (DU)

A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit
him. He said, "What was that for?" She said, "Poor bed
partner!" He thought about that for a few days, then he hit
her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing
the difference!"

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Subj: Marriage And Eggs (S127, S426)
From: Unknown
(Also see 'Bill And Hillary's 30th Anniversary' in POLIT-CLINSCDL2)

There was this couple who had been married for about twenty
years. They hardly ever kept any secrets except maybe just
a couple. One of these secrets involved the missus. From
day one she said to her husband, "No matter what, you should
never ever look in the bottom drawer of my dresser". Through-
out their marriage he never did until after one night when he
had a few too many. Anyway when he looks into the bottom
drawer he is surprised to find 3 eggs and about 50 bucks in
change in a glass jar.

About a week later his curiosity got the better of him so he
asks his wife about what he had found. She was quite upset
over his actions but went on to explain. "You see, whenever
I was unfaithful I put an egg in the drawer".

The husband too got upset over this but was not overly
distraught because they had been married for so long and
always maintained a good sex life. Then he asked his wife,
"What about the change in the glass jar?". She replies
swiftly, "Oh that. Every time I got a dozen I sold 'em!"

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Subj:     Husband Takes Charge (DU)
Or        Psychiatrist Helps Shy Man (S283b)
          From: Playboy January 1997
      and From: thebartend on 7/3/2002

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him
around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The
doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads
it on the way home.

When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet
him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home
and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my
dinner on the table.

Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because
I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath.
When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me
and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." she replies.

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SubJ: Wife Meets Wasp (DU)
From: CoreyMac on 4/25/00

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp
buzzes into the wifes cunt and naturaly enough she panics,
the husband too is quite shaken but manages to put a coat on
her and his shorts on and carrys her to the car. There he
makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor after examining
her says that the wasp is too far in to remove with a forceps
ect. He says to the husband he'll have to take it out by
placing honey on his dick and withdraw as soon as he feels the
wasp on his dick.

The honey is smeared but because of his wifes screaming and
his frantic rush to the doctor and the panic he just can't
rise to the occasion. The doctor says he'll perform the deed
if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally they agree for fear the wasp does any damage and so
the doctor quickly undresses and smears honey and instantly
gets an erection at which time he begins to fuck the wife.
Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts what the fuck is happening to which the
doctor replies "Change of plan I'm going to drown the fucker."

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Subj: Money And Marriage And The Gardner (S610c)

I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation
and how she would have to make cutbacks...

Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
She: Well if you would learn to do me properly we could
do without the the gardener.

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Subj: Boring Sex (DU)

"My sex life has so boring over the last few weeks" a man told
his doctor and I don't know what to do about it.

"I've got an idea" saif the doctor. Go straight home and no
matter what your wife is doing make wild passionate love to her.

"OK".

The next week the same man came back to the doctor.

"How'd it go" asks the doctor.

"The sex was all the same boring stuff, but her bridge group
got a tremendous kick out of it!!'

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Subj: Husband Worried About Wife's Hearing (S628b, S811)
From: JOELFALLON on 97-02-19

This guy was getting more and more concerned that his wife
was suffering from serious hearing loss. One day he ran
into the family doctor and mentioned it to him. The doctor
said he provided too little information to make a judgment,
and suggested a simple test which would provide more data.
It consisted of the man asking his wife the same question
from several distances until he got an answer. When the
man got home his wife was in the kitchen making dinner.
From a distance of 20 feet, and in a normal voice, the man
asked, "What are we having for dinner dear?"

Getting no response, he moved to 15 feet and repeated the
question. Same result. 10 feet. Same result. From a
distance of 5 feet, he said, again in a normal voice, "What
are we having for dinner dear?"

She said, "Chicken, damn it, I already told you three times."

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Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S665)
          by Chris Browne
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/3/2009

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible

Click 'HERE' to read this funny comic strip about why
we exist.

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Subj:     Wife Plans To Sell Her Body (S316b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 2/15/2003

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting
on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her what
she was doing and she replied, "I'm going." He questioned
her as to why she was going and she told him, "I just found
out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you
for free".

He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his
bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And
just where do you think you're going?!"

He replied "I'm going, too".

"Why?" she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you you are going to live on
$800.00 a year".

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Subj:     Husband Gets Peanut In His Ear (S238, S712)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 3/13/2007

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The
mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do
you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our
son-in-law!"

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Subj: Couples Sign Language
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go
up and take a shower. So the guy is looking for the rake
and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom
window, "Where's the rake?". She can't hear him. So he
points to his eye[I], points to his knee [need], and then
makes raking motions. "What?" she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like
she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left
breast, points to her ass, and then to her crotch. Her
husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he
goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner
and asks, "What did you say?".

She says, "I SAID: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

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Subj:     Couple Discuss Sex As A Typewriter (S177, S490b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-18
      and From: redcattt on 6/10/2006

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front
of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in
code. To indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it, they decided on the word "typewriter."

One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie,
"Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter."

Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie,
"Daddy would like to type a letter."

Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your
daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon
in the typewriter."

Katie tears off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says
you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter."

A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen
on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy
that he can type that letter today."

Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy
says you can type the letter today."

"Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I
don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

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Subj:     Husband Gives Hitchhiker A Ride (S277b, S460b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-18
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified
to find her husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just
as she was about to storm out of the house her husband
stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want
you to hear how all this came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking
tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was
hungry, so I brought her home and made a meal from the
roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator. "She had
only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good
shoes you discarded because they were out of style.

"She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you
for your birthday - the one you never wore because the
colors didn't suit you. "Her slacks were worn out, so
I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but
too small for you now.

"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused
and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't
use anymore??' So here we are!!!"

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Subj: Husband Catches Lover
From: TheBartend on 97-08-01

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming
through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under
the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through
the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and
I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where
he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and
said, "The little bastards!"

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Subj: Husband Catches Wife In Bed With Man
From: Bawdy.Net All Female Collage #196 on 97-09-14

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For
some reason he had to be back home later during the day
while running some errands. When he entered the house, he
was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man whose head
was between her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on
earth are you doing?"

The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen."

He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, "I
can't hear any damn music."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

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Subj:     Businessman Leaves Letter For His Wife (S40, S455b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #203 on 97-10-22
      and From: auntiegah on 10/5/2005
          (See 'Divorce Letters' in LETTERS1)

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and
left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have
certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a
good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at
the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be
home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you
for your honesty. About my being 54 years old. I would
like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while
you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael,
one of my students. He is young,virile, and like your
secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of math, you will understand that although it may appear
that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical
difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

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Subj:     Wifely Intervention (S518b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 12/19/2006

This is a large, cute, animated GIF cartoon. You can view
it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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-(o o)-
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..........................Smiley marriage from Smiley_Central.
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