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Subj:     Marriage1 Jokes
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 11 1026n,4,cf,wXT2a,1)

Child and Bunny from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Non Sequitur Cartoon (DU)
.........................Couple Goes To Halloween Party (S08, S773)
.........................Second - Couple Goes To Halloween Party (DU)
.........................Tits And Toilet Paper (S02, S569c)
.........................Heatin' Up The Weber (S276, S604c)
.........................Wanting Sex At Night (S605b)
.........................Wheelbarrow Position (S33, DU)
.........................Our Jobs - Cartoon (S401)
.........................Will Husband Remarry? (S584b, S726)
.........................Groping Your Spouse (S608)
.........................Spousal Abuse (DU)
.........................Marriage And Eggs (S127, S426)
.........................Husband Takes Charge (DU)
.........................Husband Worried About Wife's Hearing (S628b, S811)
.........................Hagar Comic Strip (S665)
.........................Wife Plans To Sell Her Body (S316b)
.........................Husband Gets Peanut In His Ear (S238, S712)
.........................Couples Sign Language
.........................Couple Discuss Sex As A Typewriter (S177, S490b)
.........................Husband Gives Hitchhiker A Ride (S277b, S460b)
.........................Businessman Leaves Letter For His Wife (S40, S455b)
.........................Wifely Intervention (S518b)

Also see ALIEN file   - 'Martian Sex
         ARKANSAS     - 'Arkansas Couple Don't Want More Kids'
         ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese Couple Names Wong Have A Baby'
         BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
.........BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting From Sickly Father'
.........BAR1 file    - 'Man Discusses Fight With Wife In Bar'
......................- 'The Golden Saloon'
......................- 'Acronyms At The Bar'
         BAR2 file    - 'Trying To Pick Up A Woman In A Bar'
......................- 'Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives'
......................- 'Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home''
......................- 'Drunk Insults Three Men At A Bar'
......................- 'Man Takes Wife To Europe For 5th Anniversary'
.........BAR-SUPP     - 'Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives II'
.........BEARS file   - 'Wanna Be A Bear???'
......................- 'Family Goes Camping And Meets Bear'
         BIRD-PARROTS - 'Newly Weds And The Parrot'
         BIRTHDAYS    - 'Wife Takes Husband To Strip Club'
......................- 'What Do You Want For Your Birthday?'
......................- 'My 45 Birthday'
......................- 'Birthday Present For The Wife Who Has Everything'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde's Wife Has Baby'
         BODY PARTS   - 'Removing The Husbands Glasses'
         BREAST file  - 'Chris Pays $100 To See Nora's Breasts'
......................- 'Man Admires Neighbor's Wife's Breasts'
......................- 'Husband Buys Bra For Wife'
         BUGS-ETC file- 'The Sex Of A Fly'
......................- 'Husband Gathers Snails'
         CABDRIVER    - 'Just Like Dave Bronson'
         CAMEL file   - 'Sex Like A Camel'
         CARS1 file   - 'Taking Your Wife Out'
         CARS2 file   - 'Sixteen Year-Old Buys Porsche'
......................- 'Guy Gets Help During Car Sex'
         CARS3 file   - 'Car Horn Beeps'
......................- 'Repairing Your Car At K-Mart'
......................- 'On Drive, Wife Wants Divorce'
......................- 'Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car'
......................- 'Daughter Wants To Borrow Car From Dad'
         CARS-SUPP3   - 'Car Keys'
         CARTOON-SUPP - 'Disney Pixar Up - Married Life' - Video
         CATHOLIC     - 'Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands'
......................- 'Mary's Husband Dies'
         CATS2 file   - 'Cat Runs In As Couple Goes Out'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'A Box of Kisses'
         CHRISTMAS4   - 'Christmas Letter From Grandma'
         CHURCH file  - 'Three Couples Seek Church Membership'
......................- 'Falling Asleep During The Sermon'
         CLOTHING file- 'Underwear Dust'
......................- 'High Heel Evidence'
         COLLEGE file - 'Letter Home From College Coed'
         COMPUTER1    - 'Husband Gets A Computer'
         COMPUTER3    - 'Man E-Mails His Wife'
         COMPUTER-SUP - 'How Was I Born?'
         COMPUTER-SUP3- 'Guilt Riddled Neighbor'
         COWBOY file  - 'Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride'
         COWS_SHEEP   - 'A Guy Walks In With A Sheep'
......................- 'Stud Bulls At The State Fair'
         DATING1 file - 'Before And After You Fall In Love'
......................- 'Daughter Likes To Screw'
         DATING2 file - 'Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter'
         DATING3 file - 'Maths and Romance'
......................- 'Food And The Sex Drive'
         DIFFERENCES1 - 'I'd Rather Do It Myself...'
......................- (see whole file)
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Tale of Two Brains'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Many Differences'
......................- 'He Said/ She Said'
......................- 'A Perfect Day'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine'
......................- 'Sol's Heart Condition'
......................- 'Doctor's Advice For Premature Ejaculation'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Wife Happy After Visiting Doctor'
......................- 'Mixing Up Lab Results'
......................- 'Man Takes Viagra And Waits For Wife'
         DOG1 file    - 'Boy Sees Two Dogs Mate'
......................- 'Wife In Bed With Best Friend'
         DRINKING     - 'Coming Home After Week End Binge'
......................- '"Strange" Cuckoo Clock'
......................- 'Drunk Needs A Push'
......................- 'Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop'
......................- 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar'
         DRINKING-SUPP- 'Seeing The Ex-Wife Drink'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office'
......................- 'Mother's And Grandmother's Hedgehogs Seen By Son'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart'
         ELDERLY3     - '26 Signs You've Already Grown Up'
         ENGLISHMN-SUP- 'Chewin The Fat - Ladder Accident' - Video
         EPITAPHS     - 'Tombstone Humor'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Bondage Game And Their Dog, Rudy'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Blowing Up The Family Car'
         FAMOUS PEOPL1- 'Boy Asks Mom About God'
         FARMER1 file - 'Rich Visit Poor Farm'
......................- 'Johnny Kicks The Animals'
         FART file    - 'Kids are a Gas!'
......................- 'Farting Your Guts Out'
         FISHING1 file- 'Fishy Story'
......................- 'Couple's Vacation At The Lake'
         FISHING2 file- 'Fisherman And The Rain'
......................- 'Wife Dies While Scuba Diving'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'How To Fry Eggs'
......................- 'How To BBQ'
         FOOTBALL file- 'The Stock Boy Falls In Love'
         FUCK file    - 'Couple Shares Bed w/Friend'
         FUNERAL file - 'Playing With Irving's Ashes'
......................- 'Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis'
......................- 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands'
         GAMES file   - 'Sees Something Under The Card Table'
......................- 'Feeding Husband Cat Food'
         GAYS file    - 'Two Couples Swap Partners'
         GAYS-SUPP    - 'Gay Marriage' - Video
         GENIE file   - 'Wife's Golf Shot Breaks Window'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Assassin Plays Golf'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Chinese Grave Robbers'
......................- 'Distraught Graveyard Visitor'
         GREEK file   - 'Mom Warns Daughter About Marrying Greeks'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Two Deaf Men Discuss Wives'
         HEADLINES-ADS- 'Finding A Date In The Personal Column'
         HEAD-ADS_SUPP- 'Beware of the Doghouse' - Video
......................- 'Return to the Doghouse' - Video
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Three Religious Couples Go To Heaven'
......................- 'Three Men At The Pearly Gates'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Three Guys Admit Cheating To St. Peter'
......................- 'Marriage In Heaven'
......................- 'Martha Contacts John After Death'
         HELL file    - 'Satan Goes To Church'
         HOOKER file  - 'Streets Of New York'
......................- 'Husband And Wife Need Extra Income'
......................- 'Mother, Daughter, And The Cabbie'
         HORSE file   - 'Five Funny Horse Race Videos'
......................- 'Man Checks Horses Before Buying'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Uncle Names The Twins'
......................- 'Wife Dying In Hospital'
......................- 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident'
         HUNTING file - 'Man, Wife, And In-Law Go Hunting'
......................- 'Man Takes His Wife Hunting'
......................- 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex '
.........HUNTING-SUPP - 'The Ex-Wife'
.........IRISH1 file  - 'Dying Irishman Goes To Bar'
......................- 'Irish, English And Scotsman Discussing Their Wives'
         ITALIAN file - 'French, Italian, and American Discuss Sex w/Wives'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish Wife Was Unfaithful'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years'
......................- 'Older Jewish Man Has Young Wife'
......................- 'Converting To Judaism, Dancing And Marraige'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Man Tells Rabbi 'He's being poisoned''
         JOBS1 file   - 'Pickle Factory Worker Fired'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Short Human Relationship Training'
         JOB-SUPP file- 'Day Off To Help The Wife'
         JOB-SUPP2    - 'Moving Furniture'
         JUDGE file   - 'UK Wife Files For Divorce'
......................- 'Couple Fight For Custody Of Child'
......................- 'Judge Sees Woman About Divorce'
         JUDGE-SUPP   - 'A Can Of Peacher'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Johnny Wants To Marry Susie'
......................- 'Potential Vs Reality'
......................- 'Son Says "Goodbye" To Family Members'
......................- 'Dad Explains Politics'
......................- 'Couple Send Son To Balcony'
......................- 'Girl Asks Mother Embarrassing Questions'
......................- 'Son Wants Ice Cream, Mom Says No'
         KIDS2 file   - 'The Last Child Support Check'
......................- 'Momma Is Gonna Eat Your Fingers'
......................- 'Girl Asked Mom About White Hair'
......................- 'Johnny Sees Dad And Aunt Jane Have Sex'
......................- 'Soccer Mom Can't Drive'
......................- 'Returning Home To Kids'
......................- 'Boss Talks To Child'
......................- 'Daddy Explains Sex To Daughter'
         KIDS3 file   - 'Kids On Love And Marriage'
                      - 'If You Love Something'
         KIDS4 file   - 'The Perfect Son'
......................- 'Preparation For Parenthood'
......................- 'Children's Bill Of Rights'
......................- 'Parent Stubbs Toe'
......................- 'Little Johnny Wants A Piece Of Cake'
......................- 'Lifesaver Study'
......................- 'Wanting Mom To Sleep W/Him During Storm'
......................- 'Disobeying Mother'
......................- 'Two Boys Argue Over Whose Dad Is Better'
......................- 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
......................- 'Having Tea With Your Daughter'
......................- 'Two Six-Year_Olds Want To Get Married'
         KNIGHT file  - 'Reversing a Curse'
         LATIN_LANG   - 'Pickles Comic Strip'
         LETTERS1 file- 'A letter to Mom...'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Dear Husband: - Dear Ex-Wife:'
......................- 'Great Divorce Letter'
......................- 'Letter From Camp'
......................- 'Chain Letter For Men'
         LISTS file   - 'Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:'
.........LOVE file    - 'Sitting Close While You Drive'
......................- 'Love, Lust And Marriage'
         MAILMAN file - 'TV Repairman And The Sexy Housewife'
......................- 'Little Johnny Catches His Parents'
......................- 'Mailman's Last Day'
         MANNERS-ADVIC- 'Dear Miriam'
......................- 'Friendly Advice To Men'
......................- 'Dear Abby - On Mood Rings'
         MEN1 file    - 'In Honor of Fathers:'
......................- 'When God Made Fathers'
......................- 'Father's Day Funnies'
......................- 'Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say'
......................- 'Conservative Man Wears Earring'
         MEN2 file    - 'A Man Doesn't Say...'
......................- 'Rate Yourself w/Women'
         MEN3 file    - 'Buying A Taser For Your Wife'
         MEN4 file    - 'The Man Song'
......................- 'The Homeless Man'
......................- 'Hormone Hostage'
......................- 'Three Guys Discuss Controlling Wives'
......................- 'Men's Life Cycle'
         MenQuestions - '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MOTHERS file - 'Husband Comes Home To A Mess'
......................- 'Son Brings Home His Future Bride'
......................- 'I'll Never Understand My Wife'
......................- 'Mother's Day Joke'
         MOTHERS-SUPP - 'The Irish Mother-In-Law'
         MOVIES-TV-PLY- 'Son Gets Part In Play'
......................-.'Mae West On Marriage'
         MOVIES2 file - 'The Funeral' - Movie
         MUSIC-SUPP   - 'The Music Teacher'
         NATIVES file - 'African Marriage'
         NUDIST file  - 'Guess Who Came Home Early'
......................- 'Couple Takes Son To Nude Beach'
         OTHER OCCUP  - 'The Hypnotist'
......................- 'Lady Talks To Pharmacist'
         OTHER_SPORTS - 'Buying Your Son A Set Of Weights'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Mom Explaining The Facts Of Life To Daugthter'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Self-Examination'
......................- 'Cutting Off A Husband's Dick'
......................- 'Husband Wants A Big Dick Like Bubba's'
......................- 'Husban Visits Witch Doctor For Impotency'
         PENIS3 file  - 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life'
......................- 'Toast And The Penis'
......................- 'Wife Catches Husband Cheating'
         PHONE file   - 'The Difference Between Anger And Exasperation'
         PILOT file   - 'Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing'
         POETRY file  - 'Joe Awoke With An Erection'
         POLICE1 file - 'Police Officer Comes Home Early'
......................- 'Wife Reports Missing Husband'
......................- 'Police Pulls Over Husband, And Wife Tells All'
......................- 'Three CIA Applicants'
         POLICE2 file - 'Husband Wants To Talk To Burglar'
         PREACHER     - 'Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car'
         PREGNANT file- 'Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question'
......................- 'Couple Get Help For Pregnancy'
         PRIEST file  - 'Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money'
         PRISON file  - 'Escape Convict Breaks Into A House'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Marriage Counselor'
......................- 'Woman Has Sex Problems'
         PUSSY file   - 'Wearing Crotch Less Underwear'
......................- 'Fat Head At The Ice Cream Shop'
......................- 'Wife Stuck To Floor'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Great Quotes Of Men, Women, And Relationships'
         QTS-COMED-SUP- 'Red Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage'
.........REDNECK3 file- 'Poem About A Hexed Redneck'
.........REDNECK-SUPP - 'Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity'
         RELIGION1    - 'Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Kissing And Telling At School'
.........SEX1 file    - 'Man With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex'
         SEX2 file    - 'The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly:'
......................- 'Sex Survey'
         SEX2 file    - 'Sex Doggy Style II'
......................- 'Mom And Dad Are Porn Stars'
         SEX3 file    - 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex'
......................- 'Mother And Daughter Discuss Sex'
......................- 'Six Stages Of Married Life'
......................- 'The 4 kinds Of Sex + 1 More'
......................- 'Sex Doggy Style'
         SEX-SUPP file- 'Little Johnny Sees His Parents'
         SAILOR file  - 'A Sailor Gets A Harmonica'
         SPERM file   - 'Couple Want Artificial Insemination'
......................- 'Mother Calls Sex 'Making Cakes'
         STORIES file - 'Did You Do Anything Today?'
         STORIES-SUPP - 'The Window From Which We Look'
         SOUTHERN file- 'Boudreaux And Band-Aids'
         TEAR JERKER2 - 'Grocery Shopping Alone'
......................- 'The Rose'
......................- 'A Moment In A Concentration Camp'
......................- 'A White Envelope On The Christmas Tree'
         THANKSGIVING - 'Divorce On Thanksgiving'
......................- 'Thanksgiving Dinner With The Pastor'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'Daddy, May I Please Borrow $50?'
......................- 'Cost Of Raising A Child'
......................- 'Twenty Somethings To Say To Children'
.........TRACK file   - 'Wife's Lover Runs Nude In Race'
         TREE file    - 'The Tree Picture Test'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Blind Man And Family Wait For A Bus'
         WEDDING file - 'Where To Live After The Wedding?'
......................- 'A Groom With Balls'
         WEDDING-SUPP - 'Eighty Year Old Woman Has Fourth Marriage
         WEDDING-HNYMN-  (see whole file)
......................- 'Bride Charges Husband'
......................- 'New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar'
......................- 'Bride Disappears For Two Days'
......................- 'Doing The Laundry'
......................- 'Bride And Groom Each Have A Secret'
......................- 'Judi Buys Deodorant For Jon'
......................- 'Middle Aged Couple Marry'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'What I Want In A Man II'
         WOMEN3 file  - 'Prayer For Women'
         WOMEN-SUPP   - 'Joyce Meyer Hugging The Toilet' - Video
         WORD JOKES2  - 'Daily Words Used By Men And Women'
......................- 'Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed'
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
=========================================================Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (DU)
          By Wiley Miller on 8/17/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/08/17
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Subj:     Couple Goes To Halloween Party (S08, S773)
          From: hellgunner50 on 11/11/2004
      and From: allenbergman on 11/8/2011

 A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party.  She
 got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
 party alone.  So he took his costume and away he went. The
 wife, after sleeping  for an hour, awakened feeling much
 better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband
 didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
 have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she
 was not with him.  So she got to the party and spotted her
 husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
 every nice chick he could.  His wife sidled up to him and
 being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
 and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
 She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
 her husband.  Finally he whispered a little proposition in
 her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars
 and had a little bang.

 Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
 home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
 what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She
 was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind
 of a time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You
 know I never have a good time when you're not there."  Then
 she asked, "Did you dance much?"  He replied, "I'll tell you,
 I never even danced one dance.  When I got there, I met Pete,
 Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and
 played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you... the guy I
 loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

Top
Subj:     Second - Couple Goes To Halloween Party (DU)
          From: TheBartend on 97-08-20

 On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
 trouble picking suitable outfits.  After a while the wife got
 mad and stormed out of the room.

 Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt
 for a lemon between her legs.

 The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out
 of the room himself.  Twenty minutes passed and then he came
 back himself with a potato around his dick.

 The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
 "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

Top
Subj:     Tits And Toilet Paper (S02, S569c)
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-19

 A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys
 her a full length mirror.  This does little to help, as now
 she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
 asking him how she looks.

 One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front
 of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
 Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
 "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
 of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few
 seconds."

 Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
 paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
 her breasts.  "How long will this take?" she asks.

 "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

 The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
 paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow
 over the years?" she asks.

 The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't
 it?"

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Subj:     Heatin' Up The Weber (S276, S604c)
          From: gheckman on 10/23/2001

 While out pulling weeds in her garden on a beautiful sunny
 day, Peg's husband sat on the porch admiring the view.
 "Peg", he says to her, "you're getting a bit broad in the
 beam.  I think that you must be as wide as the Weber over
 there.  Insulted, Peg looked over at the Weber, down at her
 backside and said, "Les, you're getting old and blind, I'm
 no where near that wide.

 Les, to prove his point got his tape measurer out and walked
 over to measure the Weber, then measured Peg (I can't believe
 she let him).  "See, I told you," Les proudly proclaimed.
 Peg kept weeding.

 Later that night, feeling amorous, Les nuzzled up to Peg and
 lightly stroked her hair.  Peg rolled over with her back to
 to Les and said, "You're crazy if you think I'm gonna heat
 up this Weber for one little weenie".

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Subj:    Wanting Sex At Night (S605b)

 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
 taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
 The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
 gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A few
 minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
 This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist
 appointment tomorrow too?"

Top
Subj:     Wheelbarrow Position (S33, DU)
          From: Playboy February 1997

 After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
 wasn't what it used to be, the sex counxelor suggested they
 vary their position.  "For example," he suggested, "you might
 try the wheelbarrow.  Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you
 go."

 The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as
 they got home.  "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on
 two conditions.  First, if it hurts, you will stop right away.
 And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go
 past my mother's."

Top
Subj:     Our Jobs - Cartoon (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/20/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Subj:     Will Husband Remarry? (S584b, S726)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/19/2008
      and From: darrellvip on 12/7/2010

 Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
 the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.

 WIFE: "What would you do if I died?  Would you get married
       Again?"
 HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

 WIFE: "Why not?  Don't you like being married?"
 HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

 WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
 HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

 WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

 HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
 

 WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
 HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

 WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
 HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

 WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
 HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

 WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
 HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

 WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
 HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

 WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
 HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

 WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
 HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

 WIFE: -- silence --
 HUSBAND: "SHIT."

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Subj:     Groping Your Spouse (S608)

 This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his
 wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one
 of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you
 wouldn't have to keep using your bra."  He laughs and laughs.
 The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her
 shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a
 bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he
 laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

 The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife
 grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit,
 I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

Top
Subj:     Spousal Abuse (DU)

 A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit
 him.  He said, "What was that for?"  She said, "Poor bed
 partner!"  He thought about that for a few days, then he hit
 her.  She said, "What was that for?"  He said, "For knowing
 the difference!"

Top
Subj:     Marriage And Eggs (S127, S426)
          From: Unknown

 (Also see 'Bill And Hillary's 30th Anniversary' in POLIT-CLINSCDL2)

 There was this couple who had been married for about twenty
 years.  They hardly ever kept any secrets except maybe just
 a couple.  One of these secrets involved the missus.  From
 day one she said to her husband, "No matter what, you should
 never ever look in the bottom drawer of my dresser".  Through-
 out their marriage he never did until after one night when he
 had a few too many.  Anyway when he looks into the bottom
 drawer he is surprised to find 3 eggs and about 50 bucks in
 change in a glass jar.

 About a week later his curiosity got the better of him so he
 asks his wife about what he had found.  She was quite upset
 over his actions but went on to explain. "You see, whenever
 I was unfaithful I put an egg in the drawer".

 The husband too got upset over this but was not overly
 distraught because they had been married for so long and
 always maintained a good sex life.  Then he asked his wife,
 "What about the change in the glass jar?".  She replies
 swiftly, "Oh that.  Every time I got a dozen I sold 'em!"

Top
Subj:     Husband Takes Charge (DU)
Or        Psychiatrist Helps Shy Man (S283b)
          From: Playboy January 1997
      and From: thebartend on 7/3/2002

 A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him
 around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

 The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem.  The
 doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training.  He reads
 it on the way home.

 When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet
 him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home
 and my word is law.  When I come home from work I want my
 dinner on the table.

 Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because
 I'm going out with the boys tonight.  Then draw my bath.
 When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me
 and comb my hair?"

 "The undertaker." she replies.

Top
Subj:     Husband Worried About Wife's Hearing (S628b, S811)
          From: JOELFALLON on 97-02-19

 This guy was getting more and more concerned that his wife
 was suffering from serious hearing loss.  One day he ran
 into the family doctor and mentioned it to him.  The doctor
 said he provided too little information to make a judgment,
 and suggested a simple test which would provide more data.
 It consisted of the man asking his wife the same question
 from several distances until he got an answer.  When the
 man got home his wife was in the kitchen making dinner.
 From a distance of 20 feet, and in a normal voice, the man
 asked, "What are we having for dinner dear?"

 Getting no response, he moved to 15 feet and repeated the
 question.  Same result.  10 feet.  Same result.  From a
 distance of 5 feet, he said, again in a normal voice, "What
 are we having for dinner dear?"

 She said, "Chicken, damn it, I already told you three times."

Top
Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S665)
          by Chris Browne on 10/3/2009
 Source: http://www.hagardunor.net/comicstrips_us.
.........php?serietype=9?colortype=1?serieno=432
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Top
Subj:     Wife Plans To Sell Her Body (S316b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 2/15/2003

 A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting
 on the front porch with her bags packed.  He asked her what
 she was doing and she replied, "I'm going."  He questioned
 her as to why she was going and she told him, "I just found
 out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you
 for free".

 He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his
 bags and returned to the porch and his wife.  She said, "And
 just where do you think you're going?!"

 He replied "I'm going, too".

 "Why?"  she asked.

 He said, "I want to see how you you are going to live on
 $800.00 a year".

Top
Subj:     Husband Gets Peanut In His Ear (S238, S712)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 3/13/2007

 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
 He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
 In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
 and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
 He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
 pushing it in deeper.  He called his wife for assistance,
 and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
 to go to hospital.

 As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
 home with her date.  After being informed of the problem,
 their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
 The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
 fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
 When the father blew, the peanut flew out.  The mother and
 daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The young man insisted
 that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
 out to the kitchen for something to eat.

 Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.  The
 mother said, "That's wonderful.  Isn't he smart?  What do
 you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

 The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our
 son-in-law!"

Top
Subj:     Couples Sign Language
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go
 up and take a shower.  So the guy is looking for the rake
 and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom
 window, "Where's the rake?".  She can't hear him.  So he
 points to his eye[I], points to his knee [need], and then
 makes raking motions. "What?" she yells.

 So he goes through the whole routine again.  She nods like
 she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left
 breast, points to her ass, and then to her crotch.  Her
 husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he
 goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner
 and asks, "What did you say?".

 She says, "I SAID: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

Top
Subj:     Couple Discuss Sex As A Typewriter (S177, S490b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-18
      and From: redcattt on 6/10/2006

 Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front
 of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in
 code.  To indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
 their children in on it, they decided on the word "typewriter."

 One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie,
 "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter."

 Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie,
 "Daddy would like to type a letter."

 Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your
 daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon
 in the typewriter."

 Katie tears off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says
 you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the
 typewriter."

 A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen
 on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy
 that he can type that letter today."

 Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy
 says you can type the letter today."

 "Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I
 don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

Top
Subj:     Husband Gives Hitchhiker A Ride (S277b, S460b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-18
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005

 A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified
 to find her husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just
 as she was about to storm out of the house her husband
 stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want
 you to hear how all this came about.

 Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking
 tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift.  She was
 hungry, so I brought her home and made a meal from the
 roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator.  "She had
 only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good
 shoes you discarded because they were out of style.

 "She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you
 for your birthday - the one you never wore because the
 colors didn't suit you.  "Her slacks were worn out, so
 I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but
 too small for you now.

 "Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused
 and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't
 use anymore??'  So here we are!!!"

Top
Subj:     Businessman Leaves Letter For His Wife (S40, S455b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #203 on 97-10-22
      and From: auntiegah on 10/5/2005

 (See 'Divorce Letters' in LETTERS1)

 A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and
 left it on the dining room table:

 "To My Dear Wife.  You will surely understand that I have
 certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
 satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a
 good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
 that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
 be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at
 the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be upset - I shall be
 home before midnight."

 When the man came home late that night, he found  the
 following letter on the dining room table:
 

 "My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you
 for your honesty.  About my being 54 years old. I would
 like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
 also 54 years old.  As you know, I am a math teacher at
 our local college.  I would like to inform you that while
 you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael,
 one of my students.  He is young,virile, and like your
 secretary, is 18 years old.

 As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
 of math, you will understand that although it may appear
 that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical
 difference:

 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

 Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Top
Subj:     Wifely Intervention (S518b)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/19/2006
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 This is a large, cute, animated GIF cartoon.  You can view
 it by clicking 'HERE'.

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                           -(o o)-
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..........................From Smiley_Central.
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