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Subj:     Marriage2 Jokes
                 (Includes 35 jokes and articles, 01994,9,cf,vXT3,3)

Baby from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Doorbell Stand-Up By Sebastian Maniscalco (S994)
.........................Couple Wants To Have Another Child (S218)
.........................Drabble Comic About Spider Solitaire (S587c)
.........................Husband And Wife Argue (S628c)
.........................Husband Claimed He Was At The Race Track (S384b, S624)
.........................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S632b)
.........................Bingo Card Winnings (S285)
.........................Wife asks 'What Day Is This?' (S281b, S576b)
.........................Husband To Die Tonight (S278, S795)
.........................Mother Of Six (S231, S764)
.........................How To Save A Marriage (S224)
.........................Would You Still Love Me? (S220)
.........................Husband Comes Home And Asks For A Beer (S206, S389)
.........................A Couple Eating Dinner (S127, S775)
.........................I Love Her, But..... (S107)
.........................Husband Comes Home To Messy Home (S105)
.........................Husband Buys Lingerie For Wife (S102, S368b)
.........................Old Husband Tells Wife They Are Broke
.........................What To Do With The Roses (S78, S841)
.........................Things To Do With A Useless Man - GIF (S402)
.........................Sex At The Freezer
.........................Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex (S77, S463b)
.........................Wife Stays With Man Through Bad Times (S127, S358)
.........................Wife Concerned With Husband's Smoking
.........................Andy Capp Comic Strip (S604b)
.........................Mother And Dad Go Upstairs For Sex (S65, S438b)
.........................Husband Sobbing In Basement (S64, S551b)
.........................In Love, In Lust, Or Married?
.........................Marrying A Younger Woman
.........................What I Promised (S622b)
.........................Husband Admits He Has A Mistress (S218, S558)
.........................Boy Walks In On His Parents
.........................New Sex Study (S530c)
.........................In Touch With My Needs (S43, S326, S501)
.........................Moaning During Sex (S48)
.........................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S666)

Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes

============================================================Top
Subj:     Doorbell Stand-Up By Sebastian Maniscalco (S994d)
          Commedian Sebastian Maniscalco
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/0Swzvm-gXHg
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 (See "Sebastian Maniscalco Stand-Up" in Italian)
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.......Click 'HERE' to see this very funny comedian.
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Top
Subj:     Couple Wants To Have Another Child (S218)
          From: JBCARY1 on 4/3/2001

 There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
 beautiful teenage daughters.  They decided to try one last
 time for the son they always wanted.

 After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure
 enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
 joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He
 took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
 had ever seen.  He went to his wife and said that there was
 no way that he could be the father of that child.

 "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he
 gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
 around on me?"  The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
 this time."

Top
Subj:     Mother Of Six (S231, S764)
          From: gheckman on 7/1/2001
      and From: gattica30 on 9/4/2011
 Source: tinyurl.com
                                                         ,;;;,
           Mother of Six                      ,;;;,     """\\\\
                                             /////))   ''   `\\)
                                            |///  ''  /_      _)
 A man had six children and was very         \(C   _)  |      /
 proud of his achievement. He was so       ((_))  _=    =_   /
 proud of himself that he started          `"`/ /        \  \
 calling his wife "Mother of Six" in         (`""-.      ?\-/``>
 spite of her objections.              jgs   /`~~~`\    / Y`~`` \

 One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's
 time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready
 to leave as well.

 He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now
 Mother of Six?"

 His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts
 back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Top
Subj:     Drabble Comic About Spider Solitaire (S587c)
          By Kevin Fagan on 4/14/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/drabble/2008/04/14
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Top
Subj:     Husband And Wife Argue (S628c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/19/2009

 A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both
 of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

 "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a
 conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

 He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

 "I'm wrong," she said.

 With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

Top
Subj:     Husband Claimed He Was At The Race Track (S384b, S624)
          From: drgolfmd on 6/2/2004

 A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
 walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
 magazine.  "What was that for?" he asked.

 "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with
 the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

 "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the
 name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

 "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there
 was a good explanation."

 Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
 walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the
 iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.  When he came to,
 he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

 She replied, "Your horse called."

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S632b)
          By Wiley Miller on 2/19/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2009/02/19
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Top
Subj:     Bingo Card Winnings (S285)
          From: dogbyte on 7/18/2002

 This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting
 clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.  One
 day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.

 The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
 His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

 The next night she came home with a mink coat.
 The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
 His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

 The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
 The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
 His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my
 things!!  Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

 His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in
 the tub.  The wife asked: "How come you put so little
 water in the tub?"

 The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"

Top
Subj:     Wife asks 'What Day Is This?' (S281b, S576b)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 9/26/2000

 Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
 "I bet you don't know what day this is."

 "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the
 door to the office.

 At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened
 the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long
 stemmed red roses.

 At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite
 chocolates arrived.

 Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.  The woman
 couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the
 flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she
 exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day'
 in all my life!"

Top
Subj:     Husband To Die Tonight (S278, S795)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/8/2006
      and From: tom on 4/5/2012

 A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.  The doctor
 says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner.
 Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going
 to die this evening."  The man is distraught and wonders
 how he is going to tell his wife.

 Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.  "Honey,
 this is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
 she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."  She
 prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-
 the works.

 After dinner she slips away and returns in the most
 incredible negligee the man has ever seen.  She leads him
 into their bedroom.  They make the most passionate love
 they have ever made.  The man is beside himself.  Once
 done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept
 her promise.  Well, the husband is wide-awake watching
 the clock.

 He knows that he is doomed.  He taps her..."Honey?" he
 whispers.  She rolls over and again proceeds to make love.
 Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her.
 She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she
 grants her husband's dying wishes.  Finally the wife
 rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides
 to tap her again.  "Honey?" he whispers.  She rolls over
 and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Top
Subj:     How To Save A Marriage (S224)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001

 "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his
 friend Doug.

 Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your
 life and have an affair?"

 "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.

 "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead
 and tell her about it!" said Doug.

 So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair
 will bring us closer together."

 "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it
 didn't work."

Top
Subj:     Would You Still Love Me? (S220)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/15/2001

 Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
 disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

 "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing
 her nails.

 "How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you
 any more?" he asked anxiously.

 "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him,
 buffing her nails.

 "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?"
 Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any
 more. Would you still love me then?"

 The woman looked over at her husband's worried face.
 "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but
 most of all, I'll really miss you."

Top
Subj:     Husband Comes Home And Asks For A Beer (S206, S389)
          From: BartendJOTD-owner on 1/9/2001
      and From: drgolfmd on 7/6/2004

 Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down
 on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,
 "Get me a beer before it starts."

 The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

 Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before
 it starts."

 She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down
 next to him.

 He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
 get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

 "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in
 here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and
 then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you
 realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

 Keith sighs and says, "Oh shit, it's started."

Top
Subj:     A Couple Eating Dinner (S127, S775)
          From: pns on 8/4/2003
      and From: From: virv on 11/23/2011

 A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their
 waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
 that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
 with the woman acting unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man
 slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

 Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
 unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
 disappeared.

 After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to
 the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think
 your husband just slid under the table."

 The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he
 didn't.  He just walked in the door."

Top
Subj:     I Love Her, But..... (S107)
          From: smiles on 99-02-10
Drawing from ToothpasteForDinner.com...

 

          To read this large, collection of men's
 

          thoughts on their women, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Husband Comes Home To Messy Home (S105)
          From: FrankRoesc on 99-01-28

 One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
 The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
 and muck.  There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
 As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
 Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on  the floor, a broken
 glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
 The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
 and a lamp had been knocked over.

 He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
 He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
 happened to her.

 He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
 reading a book.  She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his
 day went.  He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened
 here today?"

 She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
 home from work and ask me what I did today?"

 "Yes," was his reply."

 She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Top
Subj:     Husband Buys Lingerie For Wife (S102, S368b)
          From: collins2

 A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.  He wants to buy his
 wife the most see-thru lingerie he can find.  The woman
 behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
 "This is $200," she says.
 "I want one that's more sheer," he says.\
 "This one is $350."
 "I want even more sheer than that."
 "This one is the most sheer that we have.  It's $500."
 "I'll take it!"

 The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying,
 "Go and put this on and come down to model it for me."  His
 wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing
 is so see-thru that the old coot won't even notice if I'm
 wearing it or not.  I can take this back for a refund and
 he won't know the difference."  So his wife comes out wearing
 nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
 "So, how do you like it?" she asks.  "Damn," he says, "you'd
 think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

Top
Subj:     Old Husband Tells Wife They Are Broke
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #279 on 98-11-28

 An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her,
 "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market
 crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

 The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

 Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to
 go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than
 me." So off they go into town.

 When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office
 building? We own that."

 Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something
 unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which
 just happens to be the richest part of town.

 Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

 Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says,
 "What makes you think we own all this property?"

 Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes
 you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the
 money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become
 of it all. Not bad, eh?"

 Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with
 money I'd have probably given you all my business."

Top
Subj:     What To Do With The Roses (S78, S841)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #185 on 98-07-24

 (Also see 'Boyfriend Is Buying Flowers' in BLONDE1)

 This woman and her husband have this really bad fight.  He
 goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she
 doesn't care.  She's busy doing her thing around the house.

 All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell
 rings.

 She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery
 guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful
 bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from
 her husband.

 She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"

 The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like
 roses?"

 She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this
 means???"

 He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

 She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying
 on my back with my legs in the air."

 He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"

Top
Subj:     Things To Do With A Useless Man - GIF (S402)
          From: JokesUncut on 7/14/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Sex At The Freezer

 (See 'Three Couples Seek Church Membership' in CHURCH
  and 'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband' in DOCTOR-SUPP)

 A couple went to mass and took confession.  The husband went
 into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have
 sinned."

 The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied
 "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful
 thoughts and had my way with her."

 The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife
 was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed.  Still, the man
 insisted that he felt guilty.  The priest told him to say
 three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

 Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while
 she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way
 with her.  The priest asked her how long she had been married.
 She replied it was three years now.  The priest tried to
 explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to
 have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.

 Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest
 told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.

 As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and
 her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the
 church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.

 "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"

Top
Subj:     Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex (S77, S463b)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-17

 (See 'Bed Wetting Woman See Doctor' in DOCTOR2)

 There's this young couple, Joya ? Dennis, they've been married
 for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex.
 Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets
 changed and goes down the pub.  She's getting increasingly
 rampant and the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
 Dennis comes home every night completely spannered and unfit
 for any sexual activity.

 One particular night when Dennis gets in from work, Joya is
 seated provocativey on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress
 she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers ?
 bra.  As is always the case, Dennis runs upstairs, gets ready
 and goes down the pub.

 Once again, Joya is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle
 of wine to console herself.

 At 10:15 (well before normal) she hears Dennis coming up the
 driveway and opening the front door. Joya re-adopts her sexually
 provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Dennis's
 first words are "right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom".

 "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This
 *IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!"

 When Joya reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments
 and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready
 for Dennis, as he stomps up the stairs. As Dennis pushes the
 bedroom door open he says "right, now get your kit off!".  Joya
 doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice. "Now get over
 in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!', "..and
 do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages'
 thinks Joya..

 Dennis walks over to Joya, parts her legs and places his chin in
 her crotch... "Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't
 suit me..!"

Top
Subj:     Wife Stays With Man Through Bad Times (S127, S358)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
      and From: pns on 12/7/2003

 A man was walking across the road when he was struck by a
 car.  The impact was on his head which caused him to be
 comatose for two days before he finally regained conscious-
 ness.  When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

 He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been
 beside me.  When I was a struggling university student, I
 failed again and again.  You were always there beside me,
 encouraging me to go on trying".

 She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all
 the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs,
 you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to
 apply..."  He continued, "Then I started work at this little
 firm and finally got to handle a big contract.  I blew it
 because of one little mistake. And you were there beside
 me.

 Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some
 time.  But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was
 not recognized.  As such, I remained in the same position
 from the day I joined the company till now.  And you were
 there beside me".

 Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband.
 "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here
 beside me...  There's something I'd really like to say to
 you..."

 She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing
 with emotion.  He said..., " I think you really bring me
 bad luck.."

Top
Subj:     Wife Concerned With Husband's Smoking
          From: RFSlick on 98-05-13

 Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her
 husband's smoking.  She told me that she had finally gotten
 him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times
 when they had finished making love.  She had gotten the idea
 from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold
 Turkey".

 After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

 "Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she
 had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
 "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

Top
Subj:     Andy Capp Comic Strip (S604b)
          By Reg Smythe on 8/4/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/andycapp/2008/08/04
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Top
Subj:     Mother And Dad Go Upstairs For Sex (S65, S438b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
      and From: KMacinty on 8/25/99

 (Also see 'Thumb Sucking' in Kids1)

 These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching
 TV with their parents.  The mother looks over at the father with
 a wink and a nod toward upstairs.  The father "gets the message",
 and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

 The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going
 upstairs for a minute.  You two stay here and watch TV we'll be
 right back, Ok?".

 The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

 The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on
 now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.  At the top of the
 stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes
 his head.

 Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother.  "Come with
 me", he says.  And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

 Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says,
 "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who
 used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs ..."

Top
Subj:     Husband Sobbing In Basement (S64, S551b)
         From: gheckman on 6/7/2004
      and From: ginafm on 8/11/2007

 A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband
 missing from bed.  She got out of bed and checked around the
 house.  She heard sobbing from the basement.

 After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she
 found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
 She watches as he wipes a tears from his eyes.

 "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
 the room "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 The husband looks up, "I am just remembering when we first
 met 20 years ago and started dating.  You were only 16.  Do
 you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.  The wife is
 touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
 sensitive.

 "Yes, I do" she replies.

 The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily. "Do
 you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
 my car?"

 "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a
 chair beside him.

 The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
 shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter,
 or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

 "I remember that, too" she replies softly.

 He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would
 have gotten out today."

Top
Subj:     How Do You Know If You're In Love, In Lust, Or Married?
          From: JimDeb5 on 98-02-13

 (Also see 'Love, Lust And Marriage' in LOVE file)

 Love:      When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
 Lust:      When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
 Marriage:  When you lose your child in a crowded room.

 Love:      When intercourse is called "making love".
 Lust:      When intercourse is called "screwing."
 Marriage:  What the hell are you talking about.

 Love:      When you argue over how many children to have.
 Lust:      When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
 Marriage:  When you argue over money.

 Love:      When you share everything you own.
 Lust:      When you steal everything they own.
 Marriage:  When the bank owns everything.

 Love:      When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
 Lust:      When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
 Marriage:  What's a climax?

 Love:      When you phone each other just to say "hi!"
 Lust:      When you phone each other to pick  a hotel room.
 Marriage:  When you phone each other to bitch.

 Love:      When you write poems about your partner.
 Lust:      When all you write is your phone number.
 Marriage:  When all you write is checks.

 Love:      When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
 Lust:      When you couldn't give a shit.
 Marriage:  When your only concern is what's on TV.

 Love:      When your farewell is, "I love you, darling..."
 Lust:      When your farewell is, "So, same time next week..."
 Marriage:  When your farewell is a relief.

 Love:      When you are proud to be seen in public with
            your partner.
 Lust:      When you only see each other naked.
 Marriage:  When you never see each other awake.

 Love:      When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
 Lust:      When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
 Marriage:  When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

 Love:      When nobody else matters.
 Lust:      When nobody else knows.
 Marriage:  When everybody else matters and you don't
            care who knows.

 Love:      When all the songs on the radio describe
            exactly how you feel.
 Lust:      When the song on the radio determines
            how you do it.
 Marriage:  When you listen to talk radio.

 Love:      When breaking up is something you try not
            to think about.
 Lust:      When staying together is something you try not
            to think about.
 Marriage:  When just getting through today is your only thought.

 Love:      When you're only interested in doing things
            with your partner.
 Lust:      When you're only interested in doing things
            TO your partner.
 Marriage:  When you're only interested in your golf score.

Top
Subj:     Marrying A Younger Woman
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as
 his wife.  The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed
 soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last
 long enough to satisfy his young bride.

 His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
 all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

 Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited
 the doctor to get some advice.

 "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make
 love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

 The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a
 professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before
 having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll
 last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

 "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

 Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to
 let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door
 when he arrived home.

 "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed
 over the phone.

 Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice.
 But where?  In the office?  The Xerox room?  What if someone
 walked in on him?

 He got in his truck and began the journey home.  Soon he
 decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb
 underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear
 axle, and do the deed there.

 A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck,
 closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife,
 and began his "therapy".

 A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his
 therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
 Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy
 he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

 "Sir, I'm with the Police Department.  Could you tell me
 what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

 "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he
 replied confidently.

 "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down
 there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Top
Subj:     What I Promised (S622b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/22/2008
Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
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Top
Subj:     Husband Admits He Has A Mistress (S218, S558)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
      and From: darrellvip on 9/30/2007

 A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque
 brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings
 with the husband, and walked off.

 "Who was that?" the wife demanded.

 "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

 "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

 The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you
 sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your
 Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in
 Mexico?"

 For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the
 woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over
 there?  Who's he with?"

 "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

 "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

Top
Subj:     Boy Walks In On His Parents
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-13

 (See 'Horsey Ride!' in MARRIAGE5)

 A man and wife  having finished foreplay when she asks the
 dreaded question.  Darling would you use a condom?

 Reluctantly he leaves the bed, goes to the dresser and
 fetches one, is putting it on when he sees the bedroom door
 open and his seven year old boy is saying goodnight to his
 mother. (Late trip to the batroom)

 Mom has pulled the covers over her head and pretends to be
 sleeping.  Dad with nowhere to hide falls to the floor on
 all fours and tries to coverup as best as he can.

 The boy looks at Dad and asks "Goodnight Dad.  Uhh what
 are you doing?"

 Dad says "Ohh ahhh Just looking for a mouse."

 The child says "Oh Cool!!  When you catch him, what are
 you going to do, fuck him?"

Top
Subj:     New Sex Study (S530c)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/14/2007
 You can read the new sex study of married couples by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     In Touch With My Needs (S43, S501)
          From: TNKRTEACH in Nov. 1997
      and From: drgolfmd on 8/29/2006

 I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of
 men and women differ so much.  And I never have figured
 out the whole Mars vs Venus thing.  And, I never have
 figured out why men think with their head and women
 with their heart.  And, I never yet have figured out
 how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of
 turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

 One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
 bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
 eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you
 to hold me."

 I said, "WHAT??"  So she says the words that I and every
 husband on the planet dreads.  She explains that I must
 not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

 I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"  I finally
 realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so
 I went to sleep.

 The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
 department store... I walked around while she tried on
 three very expensive outfits.  She couldn't decide which
 one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
 She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
 $200 each to which I say OK.

 And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a
 set of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you ... she was
 so excited.  She must have thought that I was one wave
 short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.  I
 think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
 bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.  I think
 I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

 She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you
 should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go,
 let's go to the cash register."

 I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No,
 honey.  I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."  You
 should have seen her face ... it went completely blank.  I
 then said, "Really honey!  I just want you to HOLD this
 stuff for a while."

 And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
 me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial
 needs as a Man."

 I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during
 the spring thaw.

Top
Subj:     Moaning During Sex (S48)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #219 on 97-12-30

 Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found
 out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair
 with that chippie secretary in your office.  Why would you
 do that to me?  Haven't I always been the good wife?  I've
 cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been
 by your side for thirty-five years.  What haven't I done to
 make you happy?"

 Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've
 been the best wife a man could hope for.  You make me happy
 in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

 "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?!
 All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I,
 too, can moan during sex!"

 So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb
 beneath the sheets.

 As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should
 I moan now?"

 "No not yet."

 Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I
 moan now?"

 "No, I'll tell you when."

 He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

 "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

 "Wait, I'll tell you when."

 Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before
 reaching climax,

 Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

 "OY!  You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

Top
Subj:     Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S666 in Barber)
          By Brian Crane on 10/11/2009
..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2009/10/11

 This Sunday comic strip is very funny and very real.
 Click 'HERE' to see it.

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..........................From Smiley_Central
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