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Subj:     Marriage3 Jokes
                 (Includes 33 jokes and articles, 01811,5,cf,vXT4,3)

Tire Swing from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Whyatt Cartoons (S666)
.........................Man Murders His Wife (S811)
.........................Husband And Cabbie Catch Wife (S242b, S624b)
.........................Lazy Husband
.........................Perfect Couple Meets Santa - Video (S458)
.........................Perfect Couple Meets Santa (S254)
.........................Perfect Couple Meets Santa II (stand alone copy)
.........................Husband Meets A Bum (S286c)
.........................British Wife's Revenge On Husband (S234)
.........................Wife In Bed With Uncle Frank (S232, S404b)
.........................Husband Hires Private Dick (S202)
.........................The Perfect Husband (S020, S511c)
.........................The Perfect Husband II - Video (S542)
.........................Married To A Male Chauvinist (S169, S387)
.........................Father Pays Son To Sit At The Curb (S129)
.........................ProxyFather (S104, S577)
........................."Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
.........................Dad Takes Care Of New Baby
.........................Picking A Wife (S344)
.........................Teenage Slang - Cartoon (S412b)
.........................Kinds Of Sex In Marriage (S480)
.........................Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife (S342b)
.........................Son Wants To Get Married (S508)
.........................Talking To Husband During Sex
.........................Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages (S340)
.........................Fifth Marriage
.........................Flying A Kite (S292b, S455b)
.........................Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems (S146)
.........................Comming Home Late (S32)
.........................Firing Starter Pistol During Sex (S41, S366b)
.........................Nine Marriages
.........................Thoughts On Marriage
.........................Letter From Husband To Wife
.........................But I Want It - Comic Strip (S531b)

Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Whyatt Cartoons (S666)
          By Tim Whyatt on 10/13/2009
 Source: https://beartales.me/2013/03/05/
.........the-best-of-tim-whyatt-cartoonist/
.
.........
.
.........Tim Whyatt is from Australia. His cartoons
.........are funny in a dirty Far Side kind of way.

Top
Subj:     Man Murders His Wife (S811)

 A guy has been married to his wife for a long time, finally
 deciding that he can't stand it anymore.  He goes to the
 local pub and picks out the seediest character in the
 establishment.

 'I need someone to kill my wife, can you help me'.

 "Sure I know a few guys you can try", and hands him the
 name and addresses of three guys who would perform the task.

 Off he goes to see the first guy on the list (Henry the Killer)
 H: "Sure I will do it but it will fifty thousand dollars."
 M: "Too much, I'll find someone else."

 Next he goes to the second guy on the list (Sam the Man)
 S: "Sure I will do it but it will a thousand dollars."
 M: "Too much, I'll find someone else."

 Finally he tries the last guy on the list (Arti the Idiot)
 A: "Sure I will do it but it will a dollar."
 M: "It's a deal."

 The dastardly deed is to be done in the Safeway parking
 lot.  Arti walks up to her and starts choking her to death.
 Just as he was finishing another woman came up to see what
 was happening, to cover his track he starts to choke her as
 well when the store manager comes running up screaming.
 Arti is in trouble so he decides to kill the manager as
 well before he was finally subdued by police.

 In the newspaper the next morning the headlines read
 "Arti-chokes three for a dollar at Safeway."

Top
Subj:     Husband And Cabbie Catch Wife (S242b, S624b)
          From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001
      and From: gattica30 on 12/23/2008

 A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got
 into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route
 to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as
 he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to
 catch her in the act.

 The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom,
 turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the
 wife in bed with another man.

 The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife
 shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous.
 Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought
 for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

 The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said,
 "What would you do in a case like this?"

 The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he
 catches cold."

Top
Subj:     Lazy Husband (S354)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 11/10/2003

 A woman could never get her husband to do anything around
 the house.  He would come home from work, sit in front of
 the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those
 little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
 This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

 One day the toilet stopped up.  When her husband got home,
 she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged.  Would you
 look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like?
 The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

 The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work.  When her
 husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal
 won't work.  Would you try to fix it for me?"  Once again,
 he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

 The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.  When her
 husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey,
 the washer isn't running.  Would you check on it?"  And again
 was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repair-
 man?  Finally, she had had enough.

 The next morning, the woman called a repairmen to fix the
 toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.  When her husband
 got home, she said, "Honey, I had a repairmen out today."  He
 frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"  "Well, honey,
 he said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex
 with him." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he
 asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Top
Subj:     Perfect Couple Meets Santa - Movie
          From: darrell94590 (S458d)
          on 10/31/2005

 One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, a perfect couple met
 Santa Claus.  You can view this cute SWF movie on my
 web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Perfect Couple Meets Santa (S254)
          From: danmaggot on 12/12/2001
 (See 'A Perfect Day' in DIFFERENCES3
  and 'Santa Sees A Hundred Dollar Bill' in SANTA
  and 'Perfect' a stand alone copy of this joke)

 Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
 After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
 Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy,
 stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
 their perfect car (BMW) along a winding road, when they
 noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
 Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There
 stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.  Not
 wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
 Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys
 into their vehicle.

 Soon, they were driving along, delivering the toys.
 Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and
 the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
 one of them survived the accident.

 Who was the survivor?   (Scroll down for the answer)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who
 really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows
 there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
 as a perfect man.

 ****
 Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
 Men keep scrolling.
 ****
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
 perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why
 there was a car accident.

 By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,
 this illustrates another point:  women never listen,
 either.  You were told to stop scrolling.

Top
Subj:     Husband Meets A Bum (S286c)
          From: RFSlick on 7/11/2002

 (Also see 'The Homeless Man' in MEN4)

 A bum, who obviously had seen more than his share of hard
 times approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

 "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars"?

 "Are you going to spend it on liquor?"

 "NO, Sir, I do not drink," the bum retorts.

 The gentleman said, "are you going to throw it away on
 some FISHING GEAR"?

 The bum, "No way, I don't fish".

 "You wouldn't waste money on HUNTING EQUIPMENT would you?
 said the gentleman.

 "Never", says the bum, "I don't hunt".

 The gentleman asks the bum if he would like a home cooked
 meal?  The bum accepts eagerly.  While they are heading to
 the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the best of him.

 "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy
 like me at your table?

 "Probably", says the man, "but it will be worth it.  I want
 her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or
 hunt".

Top
Subj:     British Wife's Revenge On Husband (S234)
          From: Boanhead of the day on 7/24/01
 Source: (Removed from bonehead.oddballs.com)

 Virginia Chadwick wanted revenge on her estranged husband.
 So she hired a 12-year-old girl and a 14-year-old boy for
 2 pounds each (about $3 ?) to beat someone up so she could
 blame it on her husband.  So who was to be beaten up?. Nope,
 not her husband.  Nope not someone else.  Her! to beat her
 up.  And beat up she was.  This plot almost worked too. Her
 husband Paul, 31, was convicted of assault and fined 450
 pounds and faced losing his job as a prison manager.  But
 the kids admitted the whole story about how she paid them
 to hit her in the face (of all places) with a beans can.
 She's being charged with perjury.

Top
Subj:     Wife In Bed With Uncle Frank (S232, S404b)
          From: RFSlick on 7/6/2001

 (Also see 'Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife' in LAWYER1)

  It was Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on
 a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
 wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
 around at noon.  So John heads back to the clubhouse and
 phones home.

 "Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

 "Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

 "No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

 After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
 Frank, honey!"

 "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

 "Okay, then.  Here's what I want you to do.  Put down the
 phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout
 to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside
 the house."

 "Okay, Daddy!"

 A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
 "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

 "And what happened?"

 "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
 around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell
 down the front steps and she's just lying there.  Her neck
 is at a funny angle.  I think she's dead."

 "Oh my god...  And what about Uncle Frank?"

 "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all
 scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming
 pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out
 all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
 swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.  He may
 be dead too."

 There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?  Is
 this 895-0587?"

Top
Subj:     Husband Hires Private Dick (S202)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/10/2000

 A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the
 movements of his wife.  The husband wanted more than a written
 report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

 A week later, the detective returned with a video.  They sat
 down together to watch it.  Although the quality was less than
 professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

 He saw the two of them laughing in the park.  He saw them
 enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

 He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.  He saw the man
 and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

 "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

 The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up
 there on the screen!"

 The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be
 so much fun!"

Top
Subj:     The Perfect Husband (S020, S511c)
          From: pns on 12/15/2000
      and From: danschu63 on 11/5/2006

 There are several men in the locker room of a private club
 after exercising.  When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
 man engages the handsfree speaker-function and the
 following conversation ensues:

 - "Hello?"
 - "Honey, It's me."
 - "Sugar!"
 - "Are you at the club?"
 - "Yes."
 - "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.  I
    saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!
    Can I buy it?"
 - "What's the price?"
 - "Only $15,000.00"
 - "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
 - "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
    saw the 2001 models.  I saw one I really liked. I spoke
    with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ...
    and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
    last year..."
 - "What price did he quote you?"
 - "Only $60,000..."
 - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 - "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
 - "What?"
 - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
    account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this
    morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year...
    it's on sale!!  Remember?  The one with a pool, English
    Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
 - "How much are they asking?"
 - "Only $4,500,000... a magnificent price, and I see that
    we have that much in the bank to cover..."
 - "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $4,250,000.
    OK?"
 - "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
 - "Bye... I do too..."

 The man hangs up.  The other men are looking at him in
 astonishment.  Then he asks: "Anyone know who this cell
 phone belongs to?"

Top
Subj:     The Perfect Husband II (S542d)
          From: darrell94590 on 6/1/2007
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/KDt41COw1X0

 A gentleman at the club receives a cell phone call from
 his wife who would like to make a few purchases.  This
 video clip is a commercial remake of one of my favorite
 jokes.  It is worth the trip to the internet.  You can
 view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Married To A Male Chauvinist (S169, S387)
          From: collins2 on 4/22/00
      and From: mrx on 6/18/2004

 (See 'Friendly Advice To Men' in MANNERS)

 Mary was married to a male chauvinist.  They both worked
 full time, but he never did anything around the house and
 certainly not any housework.  That, he declared, was
 woman's work.

 But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the
 children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine
 and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a
 beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

 She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know
 what was going on.  It turned out that Charley, her
 husband, had read a magazine article that suggested
 working wives would be more romantically inclined if
 they weren't so tired from having to do all the house-
 work in addition to holding down a full-time job.

 The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends
 in the office.  "How did it work out?" they asked.
 "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
 cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded
 the laundry and put everything away."

 "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

 "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

Top
Subj:     Father Pays Son To Sit At The Curb (S129)
          From: JCary on 7/12/99

 A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic
 evening planned for he and his wife.  He sent the two older
 kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy
 to go along.  Finally he makes a deal with the boy.  If the
 boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the
 father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go
 by in a red hat.

 A while later the little boy comes running into the house
 and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts: "Dad, if you think
 your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside;
 there's a Shriner's convention going past."

Top
Subj:     Proxy Father (S104, S577)
          From: scott_pryor on 99-01-26

 The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father
 to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to
 arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The
 man should be here soon".

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
 photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
 morning madam.  You don't know me but I've come to..."

 "Oh, no need to explain.  I've been expecting you," Mrs.
 Smith cut in.

 "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
 specialty of babies."

 "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
 have a seat.  Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith,
 blushing.

 "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub,
 one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes
 the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

 "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for
 Harry and me."

 "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime.
 But if we try several different positions and I shoot from
 six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
 results."

 "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

 "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
 I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
 disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
 portfolio of his baby pictures.  "This was done on the top
 of a bus in downtown London."

 "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
 handkerchief.

 "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you
 consider their mother was so difficult to work with."  The
 photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.

 "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

 "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to Hyde
 Park to get the job done right.  People were crowding
 around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

 "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.Smith, eyes widened in
 amazement.

 "Yes", the photographer said.  "And for more than three
 hours too.  The mother was constantly squealing and
 yelling. I could hardly concentrate.  Then darkness
 approached and I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when
 the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
 packed it all in."

 Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed
 on your, eh... equipment ?".

 "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
 my tripod so that we can get to work."

 "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

 "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's
 much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for
 action.  Madam?  Madam?...  Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

Top
Subj:     "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
          From: ossama on 98-06-29

  25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't
  you married yet?"

  1. You haven't asked yet.

  2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

  3. What?  And spoil my great sex life?

  4. Nobody would believe me in white.

  5. Because I just love hearing this question.

  6. Just lucky, I guess.

  7. It gives my mother something to live for.

  8. My fiance is awaiting parole.

  9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to
     Miss Saigon?

 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity
     out of dating.

 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer
     happiness.

 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust
     those voodoo doll rituals.

 20. What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running
     personal ads?

 21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't
     go for it.

 22. I don't want to have to support another person on
     my paycheck.

 23. Why aren't you thin?

 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have
     been considering a trial separation.

 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a
     husband and a child would be redundant.

Top
Subj:     Dad Takes Care of New Baby
          From: Anaise on 98-06-08

 One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the
 mother had to go out to do some errands.  So the 'proud
 papa' stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

 Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

 The father did everything he could think of to do, but the
 baby wouldn't stop crying.  Finally, the dad got so worried
 he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

 After the doctor listened to the father tell all that he
 had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began
 to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the
 diaper area.

 When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is
 indeed full.  "Here's the problem," the Dr. says. "He
 needs a change."

 The father is very perplexed, "But the diaper package
 says it's good for up to 10 lbs.

Top
Subj:     Picking A Wife (S344)
          From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 8/17/2003

 (See 'Picking a secretary' in WOMEN1)

 There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not
 know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000
 and see how each of them spends it.

 The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the
 money.  She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure,
 pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so
 I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

 The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
 player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
 She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because
 I love you so much."

 The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock
 market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man
 and reinvests the rest.  She says, "I am investing the rest
 of the money for our future because I love you so much."

 The man thought long and hard about how each of the women
 spent the money... and decided to marry the one with the
 biggest tits.

Top
Subj:     Teenage Slang (S412b)
          From: DafterLafter on 12/17/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Kinds Of Sex In Marriage (S480)

 (See 'Kitchen Sex' in Marriage6)

 There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.  The first is
 Kitchen Sex.  This is at the beginning of the marriage;
 you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.

 The second kind is Bedroom Sex.  You've calmed down a bit,
 perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom.

 The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
 other in the hallway and say "Fuck you."

 There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.  This is
 when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of
 everyone in court.

Top
Subj:     Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife (S342b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2003

 Two guys are sitting at the bar when one turns to the other
 and says,"Shit man, I'm in trouble.  If my wife catches me
 drunk once more, I am in deep shit."

 The other guy replies, "Don't worry about it.  Have another
 drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems.
 This is what you do: first, have another drink.  Second,
 when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into
 bed and starting performing oral sex on your wife."

 So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home
 with this guys advice in mind.

 When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs
 into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife.  She is
 loving it!  She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair
 and going nuts.  After about fifteen minutes of this, he
 stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.

 As he enters the shower, his wife is exiting the bathroom.
 Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the hell
 are you doing here?"

 His wife replied, "Hush! You'll wake up your mother."

Top
Subj:     Son Wants To Get Married (S508)

 One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
 "Dad! Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting
 married to the most beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block
 away and her name is Susan.

 After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to
 talk with you." "Look at your mother, George.  She and I have
 been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but,
 she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
 used to fool around with women a lot.  Susan is actually your
 half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

 George was broken-hearted.  After eight months he eventually
 started dating girls again.  A year later he came home and
 very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting
 married in June.

 Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
 broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George.
 I'm awfully sorry about this."

 George was livid!  He finally decided to go to his mother with
 the news his father had shared.

 "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
 married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
 me the girl is my half sister."

 "Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
 attention to what he says.  He's not really your father."

Top
Subj:     Talking To Husband During Sex

 Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable,
 do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate
 intercourse?" Mable answered,

 "Heavens No!  Why would you want to make a phone call at
 a time like that?"

Top
Subj:     Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages (S340)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/6/2003

 (See 'Middle Aged Couple Marry' in WEDDING-HONEYMOON
  and 'Fifth Marriage' in this file)

 Two women met for the first time since graduating from high
 school 40 years ago.  One asked the other, "You were always
 so organized in school, "Did you manage to live a well
 planned life?"

 "Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a
 millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third
 marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
 undertaker."

 Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with
 a well planned life?"

 "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
 and four to go."

Top
Subj:     Fifth Marriage

 (See 'Middle Aged Couple Marry' in WEDDING-HONEYMOON
  and 'Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages' in this file)

 So this woman is having lunch w. an old friend of hers.
 During the course of their conversation, the one says to
 the other: " Joelene, is it true you are getting married
 for the fifth time and you are still a VIRGIN?"

 To which Joelene responds: " Yes it is true Madge, I have
 been divorced four times, and I am still a virgin."  Madge
 then says: "But how can that be?."

 Joelene replies:  " Well, my first husband was a high school
 teacher and all he wanted to do was teach me about it.  My
 second husband was a politician, and all he wanted to do was
 talk about it.  My third husband was a contractor, so he kept
 telling me he'd do it tomorrow.  My fourth husband was a
 gynecologist, all he ever wanted to do was look at it.  But
 not to worry Madge, this time I've married a lawyer, so I
 know I'm going to get screwed!"

Top
Subj:     Flying A Kite (S292b, S455b)
          From: dogbyte on 9/3/2002
      and From: janeenmarie on 10/8/2005

 A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite
 with his son.  Every time the kite gets up in the air, it
 comes crashing down.  After this goes on for awhile, his
 wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You
 need more tail."

 The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will under-
 stand women.  I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail,
 and she said to go fly a kite."

Top
Subj:     Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems (S146)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #20

    Frank and Tony worked at the automobile plant for many
 years and were good friends.  One day during a coffee break,
 Frank thought Tony looked out of sorts and told him so, asking
 him what the problem was.
 Tony: It's my wife. She's giving me a hard time.
 Frank: After all these years of married life? Why?
 Tony: She gets upset about me picking my nose.  And when we
       have sex, she wants to be on top.
 Frank: Can't you work out some compromise with her?
 Tony: Not on these two things. I can't change now.
 Frank: C'mon Tony, why not? Why won't you even try?
 Tony: It goes way back. When I left home to go out on my own,
       my father and I had a talk.  He said, "Tony, you're a
       gooda boy an I wanna you to be a success.  There'sa two
       things you gotta promise me that you'll always remember.
       One is to keepa you nose clean and the other is to
       NEVER fuck up".

Top
Subj:     Comming Home Late (S32)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #189 on 97-09-02

 "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off
 the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes,
 sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.  But she always
 wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving
 her alone."

 "You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied.
 "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps,
 rub my hand on her ass and say, 'How about a little?'  She
 always pretends to be asleep."

Top
Subj:     Firing Starter Pistol During Sex (S41, S366b)
          From: The Bartenders Joke 97/10/23 and 1/28/2004

 Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy
 says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

 The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the
 missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through.  It's
 very frustrating."

 The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean.  I used to
 have the same problem, but I found a cure.  I hid a starter
 pistol under the bed.  When she started to run out of steam,
 I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright
 that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough.  I wish
 I'd done it years ago."

 The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

 The next day they are back in the bar again.  The first guy
 says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

 The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols!
 Last night we were having a little 69.  As usual, she lost
 interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol,
 just like you said."

 The first guy says, "So what happened?"

 The other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and my
 neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up!"

Top
Subj:     Nine Marriages

 (slightly different from above version)

 I have been married nine times. Let me explain...

 My first husband was a MUSICIAN.
   All he wanted to do was play with it.

 My second husband was a DOCTOR.
   All he wanted to do was examine it.

 My third husband was a POLITICIAN.
   All he wanted to do was make promises to it.

 My fourth husband was a PSYCHIATRIST.
   All he wanted to do was talk about it.

 My fifth husband was a PHOTOGRAPHER.
   All he wanted to do was take pictures of it.

 My sixth husband was a POLICEMAN.
   All he wanted to do was keep it under lock and key.

 My seventh husband was a HAIRDRESSER.
   All he wanted to do was tease it.

 My eighth husband was a GOURMET.
   All he wanted to do was taste it.

 My ninth husband is the best, he is a MECHANIC.
   He tore it up the first night and he's been working
   on it ever since.

Top
Subj:     Thoughts On Marriage
          From: ipkis on 97-06-16

 Marriage
 To both married and to be married men,

  1. Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence (a life sentence!).

  2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
     is over, the strings are attached.

  3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is
     an institution for the blind.

  4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
     Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Masters.

  5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring in a woman's finger
     and two under the man's eyes.

  6. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

  7. Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries
     inherited forever.

  8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of 'RINGS':
     - The Engagement Ring
     - The Wedding Ring
     - The Suffe-Ring
     - The Endu-Ring

  9. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
     In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and
        the woman listens.
     In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
     In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 10. Is it true that love is blind but marriage is definitely
     an eye-opener.

 11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant
     with friends: You order what you want, and when you see
     what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 12. It's true, all men are born free and equal
     - but some of them get married.

 13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
     and found himself married. A year later he muttered something
     in his sleep and found himself divorced.

 14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
     the husband gives and the wife takes.

 15. Son: How much does it cost to get married Dad ?
     Father: I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
     Son: Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in China,
        a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
     Father: That happens everywhere, son. EVERYWHERE.

 16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness
     was until I got married ... and then it was too late !"

 17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

 18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before
     marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

 19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
     But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

 20. There was this lover who told his love that he would go
     through hell for her.  They got married and now he is
     going through HELL !

 21. Did you know that there are three types if people in the
     world? There are those that can count and those that can't!

Top
Subj:     Letter From Husband To Wife
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 To my dear wife,
 During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365
 times.  I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is
 why I didn't succeed often:

 THe sheets are clean...............................54 times
 It's too late......................................17 times
 Too tired from shopping all day....................49 times
 It's too early.....................................20 times
 It's too hot.......................................15 times
 Pretending to be asleep............................15 times
 The neighbors will hear us..........................3 times
 Headache...........................................22 times
 Sunburn.............................................7 times
 Your mother will hear us............................9 times
 Not in the mood....................................43 times
 You'll wake the baby...............................17 times
 Watching the late show..............................6 times
 New Hairdo..........................................5 times
 Too sore...........................................16 times
 Wrong time of the month............................36 times
 Have to get up early...............................19 times

 Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not
 satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times
 you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3
 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
 times I had to wake you to tell you I was finished, and
 once I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 And the Wife's response...

 To my dear husband,
 I think you have gotten things a little confused.  Here
 are the real reasons you did not get it more often that
 you did:

 Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat..........15 times
 Did not come home at all...........................36 times
 Did not come.......................................21 times
 Came too soon......................................33 times
 Went soft before you got it in.....................33 times
 Toes cramped.......................................10 times
 Working too late...................................38 times
 Have to get up early and play golf.................29 times
 Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.....2 times
 Caught Herman in your zipper........................4 times
 Caught a cold and your nose kept running............3 times
 Burned your tongue on hot coffee....................3 times
 You had a splinter in your finger...................2 times
 Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book.......16 times
 Watching football on TV............................98 times
 Hemorrhoids flared up..............................10 times

 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still
 was because you were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking
 about the crack in the ceiling.  What I said was, would
 you prefer me on my back or kneeling.  The time you felt
 me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!

Top
Subj:     But I Want It (S531b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/16/2007
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 You can view this cute, dirty, large comic strip
 by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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.............................Mrs. Smiley and child from Smiley_Central.
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