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>>>
Subj:     Marriage4 Jokes
                 (Includes 66 jokes and articles, 16866,6,cf,md4v,7)

Beach Toys from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  How To Use Handcuffs In Bed - Video (S566b)
.........................Marriage Riddle (S560)
.........................Marriage "Miranda Rights" (S490c)
.........................The Ten Commandments Of Marriage (S409b)
.........................The Ten Commandments Of Love (S344)
.........................Your House (541b)
.........................Husband On His Deathbed (S138, S866)
.........................Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain (S134, S638c)
.........................Husband Pinches Wife's Butt And Breast (S124)
.........................Woman's Lover Is Husband's Best Friend (S121)
.........................A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce - GIF (S469
.........................Husband Wants Morning Sex (S117)
.........................Husband Only Wants Sex In Dark (S228, S552b)
.........................Poem For Mom And Dads (S104)
.........................Definitions For Parents (S97)
.........................Marriage Notes (S584)
.........................Strange Marriage Poem (S81, S422))
.........................How To Be A Good Wife?? (S289b)
.........................Now The Updated Version For The '90s Woman.
.........................New Parent Material
.........................The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score (S40)
.........................Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S609b)
.........................I Love Her, But... (S276b)
.........................Mummy, Mummy Jokes (S275c)
.........................Marriage Quotes (S204)
.........................Herman Cartoon II (S654b)

Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes

=============================================================Top
Subj:     How To Use Handcuffs In Bed (S566b,d)
          From: ginafm on 11/25/2007
 A wife makes good use of handcuffs in bed to fulfill
 her desires.  Click 'HERE'. to see this cute, short
 video on my site.

Top
Subj:     Marriage Riddle (S560)
          From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 10/06/2007
Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/10-06-07.html

     If JOHN is married to JUANITE
     And MARCUS is married to SIMONE
     And NANTEO is married to SUZI

     Then who is married to SUE?

        1. ZELIG
        2. MARK
        3. DANIEL
        4. MATTHEW
        5. SORTIA

 The solution can be found on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Marriage "Miranda Rights" (S490c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2006

 You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will
 be misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND then used AND HELD against
 you FOREVER.

 IF YOU GIVE UP THAT RIGHT YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THE REST
 OF YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT SHE THOUGHT YOU MEANT BY WHAT YOU SAID
 WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE EXERCISED YOUR RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
 (EVEN IF YOU MEANT THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT SHE THOUGHT
 YOU MEANT.)

 YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY, ALTHOUGH THAT WON'T HELP.
 YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THEM AND YOU'LL STILL LOSE EVERYTHING IN
 THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT.

 YOU CANNOT WIN-GIVE UP ALL HOPE AND JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH-EVEN
 THOUGH YOU'LL BE PUNISHED FOR REMAINING SILENT-BECAUSE YOU'RE
 WRONG FOR NOT SAYING WHAT SHE THINKS YOU'RE THINKING.

 REPEAT AFTER ME-"YES, DEAR!"  ANYTHING ELSE WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD,
 AND YOU WILL SUFFER FOR IT.

Top
Subj:     The Ten Commandments Of Marriage (S409b)
          From: jbcary1 on 11/20/2004

 Commandment 1.

 Marriages are made in heaven.  But so again, are thunder
 and lightning.

 Commandment 2.

 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
 to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 Commandment 3.

 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

 Commandment 4.

 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
 marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

 In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

 In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 Commandment 5.

 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
 be sure of one thing:  Either the car is new or the wife is.

 Commandment 6.

 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

 The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 Commandment 7.

 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
 about something you say.

 After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

 Commandment 8.

 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
 economical, and a good cook but the law allows only one wife.

 Commandment 9.

 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

 That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

 Commandment 10.

 A man is incomplete until he is married.

 After that, he is finished..

 Bonus Commandment story.

 A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

 The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

 The husband decided to make a wish too.

 But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
 drowned.

 The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It
 really works!"

Top
Subj:     The Ten Commandments Of Love (S344)
          From: FridaySilliness on 9/5/2003

 I I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others
   before me.

 II Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain,
    nor badmouth me behind my back.

 III Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy.  Or else.

 IV Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

 V Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily
   and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

 VI Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK
    about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.

 VII Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am
     in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make
     long-distance calls from my telephone.

 VIII Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems
      to our friends.

 IX Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of
    thy neighbor's house.

 X  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze,
    nor son or daughter.

Top
Subj:     Your House (541b) 
          From: darrell94590@comcast.net
          on 5/22/2007

 You can view these cute five photos on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Husband On His Deathbed (S138, S866)
          From: KMacinty on 09/22/1999
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/26/2005
          (See 'Man With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex' in SEX1
           and 'Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie' in FUNERAL)

 Sally was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed.  As
 she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her
 face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his
 slumber.

 He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
 "My darling Sally," he whispered.

 Hush, my love," she said.  "Go back to sleep. Shhh.
 Don't talk."

 But he was insistent.  "Sally," he said in his tired voice.
 "I have to talk.  I have something I must confess to you."

 "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Sally.
 "It's all right.  Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

 "No, no.  I must die in peace, Sally.  I slept with your
 sister, your best friend and your mother."

 Sally mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.  "Hush
 now John, don't torment yourself.  I know all about it,"
 she said, "Now you be still, and let the poison work."

Top
Subj:     Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain (S134, S638c)
          From: mbucher on 8/21/99
      and From: ginafm on 4/2/2009

 A married couple went to the hospital together to have their
 baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
 invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
 mother's pain to the father of the baby.  He asked if they
 were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in
 favor of it.

 The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining
 that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father
 had ever experienced before.  But as the labor progressed,
 the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and
 bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to
 20 percent pain transfer.  He husband was still feeling fine.

 The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and
 was amazed at how well he was doing.  Then, they decided to
 try 50 percent.  The husband continued to feel quite well.
 Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
 encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The
 wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She
 and her husband were ecstatic.

 When the husband arrived back at home, the mailman was dead
 on the front porch.

Top
Subj:     Husband Pinches Wife's Butt And Breast (S124)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/10/99

 One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his
 wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you
 firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."  While this
 was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
 and replied with silence.

 The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
 breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could
 get rid of your bra."  This was beyond a silence response,
 so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package.  With a
 death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this
 up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
 butler, the pool man, and your brother."

Top
Subj:     Woman's Lover Is Husband's Best Friend (S121)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/25/99

 A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
 husband's best friend.  They make love for hours, and
 afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

 Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
 Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
 side of the conversation...

 (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

 "Hello?  Oh, hi.  I'm so glad that you called.  Really?
 That's wonderful.  I am so happy for you.  That sounds
 terrific.  Great!  Thanks. Okay.  Bye bye." She hangs up
 the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all
 about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip
 with you."

Top
Subj:     A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce (S469)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/13/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040426

 Even though I have never been divorced, I suspect this is
 accurate.  You can view this animated GIF at the source
 above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Husband Wants Morning Sex (S117)
          From: RFSlick on 4/30/99

 Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his
 wife wasn't there.  She had awakened and was preparing
 breakfast in the kitchen.  Joe was afraid he might spoil
 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy
 and sent this note to his wife:

 THE TENT POLE IS UP,
 THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
 THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
 COME BACK TO BED.

 The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
 It read:

 TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
 PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
 THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
 NO CIRCUS TODAY.

 So he sent another note down. It read:

 THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
 AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
 SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
 AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

 To which she replied:

 I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
 THE BEST IN THE LAND
 BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
 SO DO IT BY HAND !

Top
Subj:     Husband Only Wants Sex In Dark (S228, S552b)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/27/2001
      and From: allenbergman on 8/16/2007

 Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence
 that they make love in the dark.  Hoping to free him of his
 inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate
 night-only to find a cucumber in his hand.

 "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've
 been using on me for the last 5 years?"

 "Honey, let me explain..."

 "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.

 "You impotent son of a -"

 "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe
 you'd like to explain our three kids."

Top
Subj:     Poem For Mom And Dads (S104)
          From: auntieg on 99-01-18

 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray my sanity to keep.
 For if some peace I do not find,
 I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

 I pray I find a little quiet
 Far from the daily family riot
 May I lie back--not have to think
 about what they're stuffing down the sink,
 or who they're with, or where they're at
 and what they're doing to the cat.

 I pray for time all to myself
 (did something just fall off a shelf?)

 To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
 (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

 Some silent moments for goodness sake
 (Did I just hear a window break?)

 And that I need not cook or clean--
 (well heck, I've got the right to dream)

 Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray my wits about me keep,
 But as I look around I know--
 I must have lost them long ago!

Top
Subj:     Definitions For Parents (S97)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30

 AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman,
     who has gone through labor, to have sex again.

 DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care
     to order dessert.

 FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
     distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial
     disaster.

 FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't
     appreciate the strained carrots.

 FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.

 GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
     even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

 HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

 IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

 INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be
     as long as they do everything we say.

 OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

 PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

 PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws
     other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

 SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

 STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by
     boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing
     on it.

 TOP BUNK: Where you should never put
     a child wearing Superman jammies.

 TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and
     she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

 WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Top
Subj:     Marriage Notes (S584)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/13/2008
Source: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31317.htm

 You can view this cute Sunday comic strip at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Strange Marriage Poem (S81, S422)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
 

          Moved to 'Redneck Family Tree' in Redneck3.

Top
Subj:     How To Be A Good Wife?? (S289b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #19 on 98-01-20
      and From: mjsl on 8/13/2002

 Ever check out some of the old school text books our ancient
 ancestors from the 1950s used to learn from??  Some of them
 have some great stuff in them.

 The following excerpt is not exactly a joke, but it is a
 good read.  It comes from a 1950s New Zealand High School
 Home Economics text book which aims at teaching young women
 how to be good wives.

 This is genuine, by the way; I swear I haven't touched it.
 Similar stuff can be found in most Western text books from
 the era - check it out for yourself.

 Oh, how the times have changed...
 --------

 *  Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to
 have a delicious meal on time for his return.  This is a
 way of letting him know you are thinking about him and are
 concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they
 get home and a prospect of a good meal (especially his
 favourite dish) is a part of the warm welcome needed.

 *  Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be
 refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a
 ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.  He has just
 been with a lot of work weary people.  Be a little gay
 and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day
 may need a lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.

 *  Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the
 main part of the house just before your husband arrives,
 and gather up the school books, toys, paper, etc.  Then
 run a dust cloth over the tables.  In the cooler months
 of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him
 to unwind by so your husband will feel he has reached a
 haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
 After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with
 immense personal satisfaction.

 *  Prepare the children: Take a few moments to wash the
 children's faces (if they are small), comb their hair and,
 if necessary, change their clothing.  They are his little
 treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

 *  Minimise all noise: At the time of his arrival,
 eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer and vacuum.  Try
 to encourage the children to be quiet.  Be happy to see
 him.

 *  Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your
 desire to please him.

 *  Listen to him: You may have a dozen important things to
 tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.
 Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation
 are more important than yours.

 *  Make the evening his: Never complain if he comes home
 late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment
 without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain
 and pressure and his very real needs to be home and relaxed.
 Your goal is to try to make sure your home is a place of
 peace, order, tranquillity, where your husband can revive
 himself in body and spirit.

 *  Some don'ts:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
 Don't complain if he is late for dinner, or even if he stays
 out all night; count this as minor compared to what he might
 have gone through that day.  Don't ask him about his actions,
 or question his judgement or integrity; remember, he is the
 master of the house and will always exercise this with
 fairness and truthfulness - you have no right to question him.
 A good wife always knows her place!

*  The Goal:  Try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.

Top
Subj:     Now The Updated Version For The '90s Woman.
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #42 on 98-02-12

  1. Have dinner ready:  Make reservations ahead of time.
     If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice
     mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at
     what time.  This lets him know that your day has been
     crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

  2. Prepare yourself:  A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter
     on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and
     will keep you from becoming irritated every time he
     opens his mouth.  (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

  3. Clear away the clutter:  Call the housekeeper and tell
     her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by
     the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the
     garage.

  4. Prepare the children:  Send the children to their rooms
     to watch television or play nintendo.

  5. Minimize the noise:  If you happen to be home when he
     arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

  6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems and
     complaints.  Let him speak first, and then your
     complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in
     his mind throughout dinner.  Don't complain if he's
     late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers
     are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him
     to do.

  7. Make him comfortable:  Tell him where he can find a
     blanket if he's cold.  This will really show you care.

  8. Listen to him:  But don't ever let him get the last word.

  9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take
     you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go
     with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

 10. The Goal:  Try to keep things amicable without reminding
     him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.

Top
Subj:     New Parent Material

 How do you advise non-parents on how to get ready for
 parenthood?

 Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading
 books and decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests
 for expectant parents to  take to prepare themselves for the
 real-life experience of being a mother or father.

 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown
 and stick a beanbag-chair down the front.  Leave it there
 for 9 months.  After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

 Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy,
 tip the contents of  your wallet on the counter, and tell
 the pharmacist to help himself.

 Then  go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary
 paid directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the
 paper.  Read it for the last time.

 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a
 couple who are already parents and berate them about their
 methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
 tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
 to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve
 their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
 manners and overall behavior.  Enjoy it -- it'll be the
 last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the
 living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
 approximately 8-12 lbs.  At 10pm put  the bag down, set
 the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  Get up at 12
 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till
 1 AM.  Go to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink.  Go to
 bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
 Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM.  Put the alarm on for 5am.
 Get up.  Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look
 cheerful..

 4. Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out,
 first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
 curtains.  Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave
 it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
 then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with
 crayons.  How does that look?

 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
 first buy an octopus  and a string bag.  Attempt to put
 the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms
 hang out.  Time allowed for this - all morning.

 6. Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a pot
 of paint turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet tube.
 Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
 Christmas cracker.  Last, take a milk container, a ping
 pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
 exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.  Congratulations.  You
 have just qualified for a  place on the playgroup committee.

 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus.  And don't think you
 can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
 Family cars don't look like that.  Buy a chocolate ice cream
 bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
 Get a quarter.  Stick it in the cassette player.  Take a
 family size packet of chocolate cookies.  Mash them down
 the back seats.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the
 car.  Perfect.

 8. Get ready to go out: wait outside the toilet for half an
 hour.  Go out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.
 Come back in.  Go out again.  Walk down the front path.
 Walk back up it.  Walk down it again.  Walk very slowly
 down the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect minutely
 every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
 tissue and dead insect along the way.  Retrace your steps.
 Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
 neighbors come out and stare at you.  Give up and go back
 into the house.  You are now just about ready to try taking
 a small child for a walk.

 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 10. Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the nearest
 thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown
 goat is excellent.  If you intend to have more than one
 child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's groceries
 without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for
 everything the goats eat or destroy.  Until you can easily
 accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

 11. Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.
 Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
 Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it
 into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
 Continue until half the Weetabix is gone.  Tip the rest
 into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
 floor.  You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

 12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat,
 Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  When you
 find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally
 qualify as a parent.

Top
Subj:     The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score (S40)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #229 on 97-10-22

 Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose
 them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep
 Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115:

 Note: Some things are just expected of guys and therefore
 have a score of zero.

 Simple Duties
 -------------

 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners
    with wings: +5
 But return with beer:  -5

 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing: 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and its something: +5
 You pummel it with a six iron: +10
 Its her father: -10

 Social Engagements
 ------------------
 You stay by her side the entire party: 0
 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
    college drinking buddy: -2
 Named Tiffany: -4
 Tiffany is a dancer: -6
 Tiffany has implants: -8

 Saturday Afternoons
 -------------------
 You visit her parents: +1
 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
 You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
 And the television is off: -6

 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
    underwear: -6
 And you didn't even go to college: -10
 And its not really your underwear: -15

 Her Birthday
 ------------
 You take her out to dinner: 0
 You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar: +1
 Okay, its a sports bar: -2
 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
 Its a sports bar.  Its all-you-can-eat night.  And your
    face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

 You give her a gift: 0
 You give her a gift, and its a small appliance: -10
 You give her a gift, and its not small appliance: +1
 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
 You give her a gift that you'll paying off for months: +30
 You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
 With her credit card: -30
 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

 Thoughtfulness
 --------------
 You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

 A Night Out With Your Pals
 --------------------------
 You have a few beers: -9
 For every beer after three: -2, again
 And miss curfew by an hour: -12
 You get home at 3:00am: -20
 You get home at 3:00am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
 And not wearing any pants: -40
 Is that a tattoo? -200

 A Night Out.  Just The Two of You
 ---------------------------------
 You go see a comic: +2
 He's crude and sexist: -2
 You laugh: -5
 You laugh too much: -10
 She's not laughing: -15
 You laugh harder: -25

 Driving
 -------
 You lose the directions on a trip: -4
 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
 You get lost in a bad part of town ? meet the locals up
    close and personal: -25
 She finds out that you lied about having a black belt: -60

 Communication
 -------------
 When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
    what looks like a concerned expression: 0
 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
    television or picking up a newspaper: +10
 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

 [I've been married long enough now to score in the negative
 5 digits range.  Helps take some of the pressure off to behave.]

Top
Subj:     Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S609b)
          by Jim Unger
          From: Comics.com on 9/7/2008
 Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/herman/archive/herman-20080907.html

 Herman and his wife discuss watching TV and talking to
 each other.  Click 'HERE' to view this cute comic strip.

Top
Subj:     I Love Her, But... (S276b)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com/ on 12/23/2000

 (A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)

 ... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the
 television screen.  Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls.
 The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is
 her butt.  -- Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

 ... she was furious when I got up early once and made her
 breakfast.  Called me controlling.  How dare I decide that
 she would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
   -- Ted, Wexford, Pa.

 ... what's mine is hers.  I buy her negligees; she sleeps
 in my T- shirts.  When she's cold she wears my wool socks
 to bed, never her own.  She steals my half-used razors;
 new ones are too sharp.  She even wears my boxers.  I'm
 tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
   -- Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

 ... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people
 to call.  If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done.
 Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.  Mistake.
 Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
   -- Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

 ... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
   -- Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

 ... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping
 her.  And no rest for anyone until it's done.  It's not so
 bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on
 vacation.  But when it's to build a new house, or to get
 pregnant, things get pretty intense.
   -- Jim, Minneapolis

 ... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian.  During
 meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if
 they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than
 their dogs.  -- Miles, Shreveport, La.

 ... every so often boom!  Shes a brunette.  Or I come home
 to a redhead.  Actually, I have no idea what her natural
 color is.  -- Cary, Seattle

 ... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist.
 She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't
 want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd
 choose to be a dentist.  -- Terence, Gary, Ind.

 ... Shes stopped shaving her legs.  She says that now
 people will know she's a natural blonde.
   -- Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

 ... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
   -- Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

 ... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime
 smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils?  Do
 you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that
 creature is next to you?  -- Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

 ... my wife's allergic to everything.  Her nose is
 chronically stuffed.  If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd
 suffocate.  -- Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

 ... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues
 where she left off.  Her eyes open and before you can
 breathe, you hear,"... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost
 the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her
 dry cleaning..."  -- Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

 ... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the
 football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a
 lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.  Once in a
 while I'd like to be me.  -- Neil, Orlando, Fla.

 ... she wears these false eyelashes.  She left 'em
 lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper,
 tried to kill the damn things.  Scared me half to death.
   -- Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

 ... she takes those soaps too seriously.  I'll come home
 and find her in tears because some character died.  Or
 upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
   -- Archie, St. Louis

 ... she will not shop at discount stores or sales.  She
 thinks they're crowded and plebeian.  She doesn't even
 look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts
 for my mother.  -- Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

 ... it annoys her that our children look like me.
   -- James, New Orleans

 ... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four
 women. Somebody's always got PMS.  -- Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

 ... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my
 wife.  I don't have time to notice her.
   -- Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

Top
Subj:     Mummy, Mummy Jokes (S276c)

 Mummy, mummy, why do I walk in circles?
 Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

 Mummy, mummy, Daddy's going out again.
 Shut up and pour some more gasoline on him.

 Mummy mummy, what's a lesbian?
 Shut up and ask daddy when she comes home.

 Mummy mummy, why is daddy hanging upside down in the garage?
 Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.

 Mommy. mummy, why are we having spaghetti again today?
 Shut up or I'll pull the veins in your other arm, too!

 Mummy, mummy, why is Daddy running so fast?
 Shut up and reload.

 Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?
 Shut up and flush it like the rest of us do.

 Mummy, mummy, can I play with Grandma?
 Shut up and leave that coffin alone.

 Mummy, mummy, are you sure this is the way to make meat pie?
 Shut up and get back in the oven.

 Mummy, mummy, I hate my sister's guts.
 Shut up and eat what's on the table!

 Daddy, daddy, why's Mom running to and fro out in the garden?
 Shut up and hand me another shell!

 Daddy, daddy, what's a homosexual?
 Shut up and keep sucking.

Top
Subj:     Marriage Quotes (S204)

 "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.  One
 is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other
 is to let her have it."
     -- Lyndon B. Johnson

 For me the one thing  more natural than breathing is loving
 my wife.  -- Jerome Davis, a deejay for KRCC (91.5 FM),

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #256 on 98-06-26
 "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
 institution."  -- Mae West

 "Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage."
  -- Ambrose Bierce

 "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
 I don't like and give her a house."  -- Lewis Grizzard

 "Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened,
 so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of
 anybody either?"  -- Rodney Dangerfield

From: humorlist-digest V2 #281 on 98-11-30 (S97)
 "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and
 the second half by our children."  -- Clarence Darrow,
 American lawyer and reformer.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #297 on98-12-18
 I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
 marriage and a career.  -- Gloria Steinhem

 Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
 Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and
 then.  -- Katherine Hepburn

 I never married because there was no need.  I have three
 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
 I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
 swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at
 night.  -- Marie Corelli

From: RFSlick on 98-12-06
 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
 afterwards.  -- Benjamin Franklin

From: RFSlick on 98-12-07
 Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
 partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand
 of bridge.  -- Bill Cosby

From: pns on 12/30/2000
 My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
   -- Henny Youngman

 My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
   -- Rodney Dangerfield

 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
   -- Milton Berle

 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
   -- George Burns

 I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There
 was water in the carburettor." I asked her , "Where's the
 car?" She replied, "In the lake."  -- Henny Youngman

 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
   -- Phyllis Diller

 The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
   -- Henny Youngman

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366 - greek)
 By all means marry.
 If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
 if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
   -- Socrates
 

 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
 than to let him keep her.

 My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I
 got myself two girlfriends.

 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not
 to report it since the thief was spending much less than
 his wife did.

 Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
 friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what
 the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
 to get married?"  The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
 still paying."

 Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
 man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
 Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."  The
 next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the
 same : "You can have mine."

 A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
 millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"
 asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

 A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,
 "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father
 replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest
 cheat in Europe.

 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name
 was Always.

 Losing a wife can be very hard.  In my case, it was almost
 impossible.

 A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
 a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
 woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!". "What happened?"
 asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

 Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
 life thinking they had no faults at all.

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
 can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for
 whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of
 what he gets.  The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay,
 give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

 Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
 They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

 How do most men define marriage?  An expensive way to get
 your laundry done free.

 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is
 to forget it once.

 Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing
 your parachute.

 First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy:
 "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Top
Subj:     Herman Cartoon II (S654b)
          by Jim Unger
          From: Comics.com on 7/20/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/herman/

 This Herman cartoon discusses having company for dinner.
 Click 'HERE' to see it.

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