Subj: Marriage5 Jokes
(Includes 163 jokes and articles, 09712n,4,cf,md4v,4)
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 contains short jokes
Red Skelton's Recipe For A Good Marriage
From: darrell9459 on 4/18/2006 (S482)
To read Red Skelton's Recipe
For Marriage on my web site
Subj: The Efficiency Experts Advice (S185, S457b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/11/00
The efficiency expert concluded
his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine
at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually,
yes. It used to take her twenty
minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Subj: Generation Gap (S172)
From: RFSlick on 5/13/00
One evening a son was talking
to his father about current events.
He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the
computer age, and just things in general.
The dad replied, "Well, let me
think a minute...I was born before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact
lenses, frisbees and the pill.
There weren't things like radar,
credit cards, laser beams or
Man had not invented pantyhose,
dishwashers, clothes dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioners, and he hadn't walked on the
moon. Your Mom and I got married first -- then lived together.
Every family had a father and
a mother, and every boy over 14 had
a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect.
Until I was 25, I called every
man older than I, 'Sir' -- and
after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a
title, 'Sir.' In our time, closets were for clothes -- not for
'coming out of.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a
family, helping those in need, and just visiting with family or
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating,
dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the
Ten Commandments, good judgment,
and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference
between right and wrong and
to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege;
living here was a bigger
privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship
meant getting along with your
cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family
spent together in the evenings
and weekends -- not condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios,
tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands,
Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches on radio.
I don't ever remember any kid
blowing his brains out listening to
If you saw anything with 'Made
in Japan' on it, it was junk. The
term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 and 10-cent stores where
you could actually buy things for
5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls,
rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi
were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could
spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, 'grass' was mowed,
'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was
something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grand-
'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's
office, 'chip' meant a piece
of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software'
wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation
that was so dumb as to think a lady
needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us old
and confused -- and say there is such
a generation gap. And I'm only 51 years old!"
Subj: Two Couples Swap Partners (S163, S579c)
From: FrankRoesch on 3/9/00
There were these two middle aged
couples, who were all long
time friends, and who were always together doing something.
They were sitting around one evening kind of bored and thinking
of what to do, when one of the wives, suggested that they switch
partners for the night. They talked about it, and everyone agreed.
They split up and, off they went
with their new partner for the
night. Later that night, the wife who made the suggestion, sat
up in bed, and turned to her new partner and said, "My god! That
was just wonderful, I had no idea!
We should have thought of this
looong ago! . . . . . . . .
I wonder how the boys are doing?
Subj: Husband Wants To Divorce Wife (S157)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #315 on 01/22/2000
(See 'On Drive, Wife Wants Divorce' in CAR3)
Fred and Jim are having a quiet
beer one night when Fred
announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and
Sue are the happiest couple
I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely
woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be
known I'm just bored with
pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess
I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety,
why don't you just, you know,
turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"
Subj: Husband Can't Satisfy His Wife (S145, S579)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #313 on 11/11/1999
Fred himself unable to satisfy
his blonde wife. He tried
hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He
finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His
friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that
was a 100% successful.
He says, "Hire a big strong black
man to stand near your bed
and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having
sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man,
but all efforts were in vain. He
went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his
friend suggested that they switch places.
"Why don't you wave the towel
while the strong man does the job
in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he
would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy
again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the
blonde had a divine orgasm.
The husband leaned over to the
black guy and said, "You see!!
That's how you wave the fucking towel!"
Subj: Horsey Ride! (S144, S579b)
From: thebartend on 11/01/1999
(See 'Boy Walks In On His Parents' in MARRIAGE2)
Little Johnny is passing his
parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's
not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning
and gasping. Johnny cries
out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually gets bucked off!"
Subj: Wife Wants Husband To Do Repairs (S141)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/12/1999
A husband is at home watching
a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead?"
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the
fridge door? Does it look like I
have Westinghouse written on my forehead?"
"Fine," she says, "Then could
you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and
I don't want to fix the steps,"
he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on
my forehead? I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks
for a couple hours. He starts
to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go
home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the
steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the
hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the
fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left,
I sat outside and cried. Just
then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
have sex with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........
Do you see Betty Crocker
written on my forehead?"
Subj: Short Marriage Jokes
The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S679b)
by Glenn and Gary McCoy
From: GoComics.com on 1/17/2010
Subj: Wife Packs Her Bags (S268c)
From: dogbyte on 3/22/2002
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her
bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the
The wife replied, "You know all
this free sex I've been
giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can
get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped
out of bed and began packing
HIS bags, too.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
"I want to see how you can live
on $400 a year!"
Herman Cartoon (S665 in Birthdays)
By Jim Unger
From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/8/2009
Subj: Calling Your Wife 'Mother Of Six' (S420b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
and From: CKButch4Femme of 1/26/2005
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife,
"Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
The man decided that it was
time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall
we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's
lack of discretion
shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Daddy Is Home (S586c)
Subj: Survey About Women's Asses (S263, S579b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/14/2002
"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too
fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other
five per cent said they didn't care they would have married
Subj: Sex Free Marriage (S258b)
From: jerry on 1/9/2002
A dating agency that opened THREE MONTHS AGO in Bergen,
Norway, specializing in matching up clients who want a
sex-free marriage, so far, has had nobody sign up.
Scottish Daily Record 8-Jan-02
Subj: Couple Argue Near Farm (S257, S579c)
From: gheckman on 12/19/2001
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a
barnyard full of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically
asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Subj: Doctor Examines Wifes Breasts (S226)
From: KMACINTY on 5/30/2001
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor
today, and he told me
I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what
did he say about your 50
year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your
name never came up."
Subj: Marriage - A Husband's Viewpoint (S220)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/15/2001
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence!)
2. Marriage is very much like
a violin; after the sweet music
is over the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is
blind. Marriage is an institution.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution
in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage requires a man to
prepare 5 types of "RINGS" :
a) The Engagement Ring
b) The Wedding Ring
c) The SuffeRing
d) The EnduRing
e) The TortuRing
Subj: The Perfect Breakfast: (S218)
From: pns on 3/30/2001
- You're sitting at the table
- Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.
- Your daughter is on the cover of Forbes.
- Your lover is on the cover of Playboy/Cosmo.
- Your spouse is on the back of the milk carton.
Subj: Wife Has Portrait Painted (S204)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
and From: BartendJOTD-owner on 12/27/2000
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in
case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Subj: Factory Only Hires Married Men (S204)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/28/2000
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you
think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager
replied. "It is because
our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and
don't pout when I yell at them."
Subj: Married 3 Times (S020, S461)
From: pns on 12/15/2000
and From: Sonny orally on 11/28/2005
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2
wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of
a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Subj: Should I Lie In Court? (S182)
Written by Liam McEneaney
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/26/00
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court
case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance
company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I
would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want
to advise you to do the wrong
thing, but . . ."
"Let me put it this way," his
wife explained. "Treat the
prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just
lie there 'til he goes away."
Subj: Mom Finds Son's Bondage Magazine (S175, S579)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00
One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet
she found a bondage S and M magazine. This was highly
upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his
father got home and showed it
to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said,
"Well I don't think you should
Subj: Husband Goes To Buy Tampons (S153, S368b)
From: thebartend on 01/06/2000
and From: DoctorDebt on 2/10/2004
This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where
the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The
man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some
The pharmacist asks the man,
"Excuse me, it's none of my
business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come
to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?"
The man responds: "Well, last
night I sent the old lady to the
store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of
tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"
Subj: King Solomon Decides Lawyer's Fate (S152)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 12/29/1999
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword,"
said Solomon, "and I shall chop
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh
Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate
a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to chop
him in two!" exclaimed the king's
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.
"That shows she is the
Subj: The Husband And The Burgular (S138)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/24/1999
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
Subj: Husband Brings Wife Two Asprin (S138, S579c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/17/1999
and From: Imogenelumen on 12/9/2003
(See 'Wife Has A Headache' in MARRIAGE6)
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of
water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She says,
"What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
"But I don't have a headache," she replies.
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
Subj: Father And Son Fly A Kite (S130, S697b)
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
and From: ft.apache on 5/27/2010
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the
front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and
says, "Son, I'll never understand
your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told
me to go fly a kite".
Subj: Fabric Softener (S125)
From: RFSlick on 6/20/99
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)
'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory.
You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
Subj: Wife Wins Lottery (S119, S368b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/15/99
and From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2004
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and
shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow!
That's great! Should I pack for
the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care.
Just get the hell out."
Subj: Shopping (S111)
From: FrankRoesc on 3/15/99
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's.
I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts
She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
Subj: Couple Sees Marriage Counselor (S104)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #281 on 99-01-24
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well not
exactly. She's the one that suffers,
Subj: Husband Lost In Supermarket (S90)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #251 on 98-10-20
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
"Because every time I talk to
a a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere."
Subj: Mom Buys A Fur Coat (S152)
From: ipkis on 97-06-09
and From: DR SWITZER on 2/29/1999
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the
mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says,
"I think that I will buy my present instead of making you
and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom,
some helpless, poor creature
has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the
mother, "your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."
Subj: Going Nude
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-21
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Subj: Wife Has 12 Hours To Live
From: humorlist-digest V1 #185 on 97-08-28
(Also see 'Man With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex' in SEX1)
A woman comes home kind of depressed about the bad news from her doctor.
When her husband comes home she tells him "Honey, I only have 12 hours
to live. I've thought about it and decided we should make the best of
this time and go to bed and make mad passionate love all night long."
Her husband says, "Easy for you - you don't have to get up in the
morning. . . . . . . . ."
Johnny Sees Parents Making Love
From: rfslick on 8/15/2008
and From: darrelldre on 11/3/2012 (S427, S825)
from Yahoo! Images
The mother replies, 'Well, you
know your dad has a big
tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help
'You're wasting your time,' said
the boy. 'Why is that?'
the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the
lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows
it right back up.'
Subj: Convict Ties Up Couple
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #205 on 97-10-26
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the
husband turned to his voluptuous young
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend
you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting
out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice,
The odds are 1 in 2 that your
best friend will do this
if you are a married man.
Fantasize about your wife.
Bawdy.Net Collage #10
A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary over an intimate,
candlelit dinner. She looks up from her wine glass and asks, "What were
you thinking of on that first night 25 years ago?"
He: "I looked at you and wanted to suck your tits dry and screw your
She, sighing, "Oh, yes....I remember. And what do you think of when you
look at me now?"
He: "Well, I think I did a pretty good job."
She left him on the sofa when
the phone rang, and was
back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My
husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said.
"Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker
A little boy, at a wedding looks
at his mom and says,
"Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
his mom replies,
"The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says,
"Well then why is the boy wearing black..."
Seen in a gents room in London recently:
"Doctor, I think my wife's dead."
"Oh, really? What makes you think that?"
"Well, the sex is great, but my dirty washing's piling up."
Irritated Wife: What do you mean
by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love
of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Bawdy.Net Collage #87
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board,
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
A woman asked her husband to
go to the video store and
get Scent of a Woman.
Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.
-- Ken Attebery ? Marc Kletke
How is a divorce in West Virginia
like a hurricane in Florida?
Either way, you lose the trailer. -- The Oregonian
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day
The recently married couple split up shortly after the wedding. The
trouble started when the husband arrived home from work and found his
new wife lying naked on the couch.
"What's for dinner?" he asked.
"Pussy," she replied.
"Damn," the husband spat. "That's what I had for lunch."
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in Atlanta.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance,
and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #200 on 97-10-03
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out
an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave,
he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on
the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea."
the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Subj: Short Marriage Jokes (S90, S133)
From: Octagon999 on 97-12-20
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #1 on 98-01-01
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #220 on 98-01-03
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive
when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08 (S133)
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is
derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your thumb.
Thirty-five percent of the people
personal ads for dating are already married.
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
WIFE : The 2 things
I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #133 on 98-05-28
Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #252 on 98-06-06
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
From: RFSlick on 98-06-15 (S72)
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the
wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Just think, if it weren't for
marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A husband said to his wife, "No,
I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The most effective way to remember
birthday is to forget it once.
From: RFSlick on 98-06-21 (S133)
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
From: ossama on 98-08-12
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12 (S133)
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And
Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
From: RFSlick on 98-09-27 (S133)
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want,
then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive
way to get your laundry done free.
From: ossama on 98-10-19 (S133)
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Before marriage, a man yearns
for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #282 on 98-12-01
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked
his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell
me when you have an orgasm ?"
She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
From: auntieg on 98-12-09 (S133)
Ever notice when women hold off getting married, we call it
"independence," but when men do, it's called "fear of commitment"?
-- Jay Trachman
From: icohen on 98-12-11 (S107)
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in
I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should
be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was
stolen, but he decided
not to report it because the thief was spending less
than his wife did.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to
men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
From: kate289 on 5/25/99 (S121)
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
From: RFSlick on 5/21/2002 (S277)
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and
be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
At the cocktail party, one woman
said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied,"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said
to his wife,"You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The bride, upon getting engaged,
went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Eighty percent of married men
cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Then there was a man who said,
"I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend,
"It is I who made my husband
a millionaire", "And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
If you want your spouse to listen
and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
You know the honeymoon is pretty
much over when you start
to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Personally, I think one of the
greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say
anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Words to live by: Do not argue
with a spouse who
is packing your parachute.
You don't have to attend every
you are invited to. -- Author Unknown
Subj: Comments On Sexes Attributed To Plato (S103)
From: mbucher on 99-01-17
1. Women also have their faults (grudgingly admitted to).
Men have only two -- everything they say and everything they do.
2. A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
3. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #22 on 99-01-25
What's the worst thing you can say to a man
who complains that his wife is frigid?
"No, she isn't"
85% of the guys who die while
having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their spouse.
Facts about Americans. Did you
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen,
shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A
shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Arkansas a man can legally
beat his wife, but not more
than once a month...
In Utah a husband is responsible
for every criminal act
commited by his wife while she is in his presence...
From: RFSlick on 4/15/99 (S116)
Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first
question I ask myself is, "Is this the man I want my children to
spend their weekends with?"
From: collins2 on 5/31/99 (S130)
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the
same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women
who say they'd marry the
same man if they had it to do all over again: 50%
From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
Home is where the house is.
From: JCary on 01/17/2000 (S160)
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? 'Hold my purse,'" - Francois Morency
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/18/2001
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/8/2001
My husband said he needed more space. So I
locked him outside." -- Roseanne
From: dogbyte on 1/9/2002 (S258)
I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here!
From: dogbyte on 1/21/2002 (S260)
Marriage is like a horse with a broken leg.
You can shoot it, but that still doesn't fix the leg!
From: dogbyte on 2/9/2002 (S263)
Married men live longer than single men,...
But married men are a lot more willing to die!
From: dogbyte on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
From: dogbyte on 3/12/2002 (S267c)
If your wife and a lawyer were both drowning
and you had to choose,... would you go to
lunch, or would you go to a movie?
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
entire relationships. -- Sharon Stone
Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in. -- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
From: dogbyte on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
Lucky, adj: When you have a wife and a cigarette
lighter -- both of which work!
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/3/2002 (S179b)
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
From: dogbyte on 6/17/2002 (S281b)
We were very happily married for eight months.
Unfortunately, we were married for five years!
From: dogbyte on 6/16/2002 (S281b)
My wife and I always kiss each other goodnight.
It's like touching gloves before we spend
the night fighting over the covers!
Subj: Question-Answer Jokes About Marriage (S139, S688b)
Q: Why is marriage similar to
A: First there is a lot of sucking and blowing,
then later on you lose your house.
Q: What WIFE stands for?
A: Washing, Ironing, F**king and Entertainment
Q: What HUSBAND stands for?
A: Humping Useless Silly Bastard and No Dick!".
Q: What do a wife and a tornado
have in common?
A: They both make a lot of noise when they arrive,
and take your house when they leave.
Q: What's the difference between
a job and a wife?
A: After 20 years a job still sucks.
Q: Why are husbands like lawn
A: The're hard to get started, emit foul odors,
and don't work half the time.
Q: What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Bawdy.Net Collage #86
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
From: Tom_Adams on (S68)
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
From: RFSlick on 98-05-27
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #285 on 98-12-04
Q: Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want,
then go to the refrigerator.
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/29/1999
Q: What do wives and proctologists have in common?
A: They always have to deal with a pain in the ass.
Q: What's the difference between
husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
Q: When does a man feel like
watering the garden?
A: After having a six pack.
Q: What's the difference between
a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
A: A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time.
Q: What do women and tax forms
have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.
Q: What does a married man say
A: Don't tell my wife.
Q: What's the best part of marriage?
Q: Why do husbands appreciate
A: At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Q: What do marriage and Barack
Obama have in common?
A: They're both a joke.
Remember: The Bible says
to "Love thy neighbor,"
but make sure her husband isn't home first.
From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
Q: If you are having sex with two women and
one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
From: Anonymous Jr. on 3/24/2010 (S688b)
Q: What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: How many honest, intelligent,
in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does a man show that he
is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.