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Subj:     Marriage6 Jokes
                 (Includes 69 jokes and articles, 18888,7,cf,md4w,7)
>>>

          Click "Here" for Marriage-Supp


Mom At Home
from
Degsworld
Includes the following:  Loving Messages To Husbands (S888 in Supp)
.........................The Sensuous Wife (S883 in Supp)
.........................Couple Christmas Shops At The Mall (S824 in Supp)
.........................A Wife Comes Home (S818 in Supp)
.........................Milton Singing "The Man Song" - Video (S696 in Supp)
.........................The Lie Detector Robot (S793 in Supp)
.........................Parents Go Out For The Evening (S718 in Supp)
.........................Ann Telnaes Cartoons - Video (S678b)
.........................After 20 Years Of Marriage (S672b in Supp)
.........................A Man And A Woman Asleep (S634c in Supp)
.........................The Cheating Wife - Video (S762 in Supp)
.........................Nine Pearls Of Wisdom On Marriage (S713 in Supp)
.........................BC Sunday Comic Strip (S605)
.........................Choosing A Wife (S627b)
.........................High School Reunion (S590c)
.........................A Wife And Balance In Your Life (S631)
.........................Rekindling A Relationship (S588b, S797)
.........................Worry (S574c)
.........................The Broken Mower (S561)
.........................Homeowner Does Yard Work (S538b)
.........................Wife Comes Home To A Clean House (S513b)
.........................Husband Prays To God (S499)
.........................Marriage Vs Divorce (S498c)
.........................Cigarettes And Tampons (S395)
.........................The Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife (S373, S596c)
.........................Marty Wakes Up With Hangover (S384)
.........................Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar (S366)
.........................Matt Gets Part In School Play (S312b)
.........................Husband And Wife Complain (S307b, S517c)
.........................Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem (S298b, S468b)
                         Short Marriage Jokes
..............................Herman Cartoon (S791 in Supp)
..............................Pickles Comic Strip (S769 in Supp)
..............................Sensitive Husband (S772 in Supp)
..............................Secrets To A Long, Happy Marriage (S763 in Supp)
..............................Close To Home - Cartoon (S716 in Supp)
..............................How Many Women Have You Slept With? (S699b in Supp)
..............................Heart-To-Heart Talk (S707b in Supp)
..............................Maxine On Marriage (S689 in Supp)
..............................Flo And Friends Comic Strip (S636b in Supp)
..............................Marriage Is Like A Job (S648b in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S878 in Supp)
..............................Marriage Before And After (S587)
..............................Foreplay After Marriage (S532)
..............................Free To Good Home (S587b)
..............................The Wrong And Right Of Marriage (S553c)
..............................Marriage's Bedroom Battle (S548b)
..............................Anger Management (S523b)
..............................What To Wear (S547b)
..............................Kitchen Sex (S480, S613)
..............................Ex-Wife - Cartoon (S478c)
..............................Definition of Guts And Balls (S466b)
..............................Swapping Position (S443b)
..............................Wife Cooks Socks (S440)
..............................The Wife And Bondage (S427)
..............................Kissing Daddy Good-Bye (S407)
..............................True Bravery (S401b)
..............................Husband Names Wife's Favorite Flower (S356b)
..............................Why A Wife Was Beautiful And Stupid (S355)
..............................Marriage Vs Free Milk (S353)
..............................Old Man Visits Warlock (S332b)
..............................Guys Discuss Premarital Sex (S331b, S514c)
..............................'Why Did You Marry Me?' (S328b)
..............................Wife Goes To Beauty Parlour (S326)
..............................Maud's Three Marriages (S324b)
..............................Messy Housekeeping (S323b)
..............................Man Sees Magic Show (S309b)
..............................Wife's Nick Name Is Crisco (S304)
..............................Mood Ring (S297, S613c)
..............................Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes (S295)
..............................Wife Has A Headache (S294b)
..............................Secrets To A Happy Marriage (S288)

Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 and 6 contains short jokes

============================================================Top
Subj:     BC Sunday Comic Strip (S605)
          By Hart
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/10/2008
 Source: http://comics.washingtonpost.com/11_comics_bc.html

 This BC comic strip discusses bringing your wife flowers.
 Regrettable this comic strip has been all too real in my
 life.  You can share my pain by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Choosing A Wife (S627b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/15/2009

 A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble
 choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives
 each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see
 what they do with the money.

 The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy
 beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and
 buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
 for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to
 be more a attractive for him because she loves him
 so much.

 The man was impressed.

 The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She
 gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos
 for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As
 she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
 spent all the money on him because she loves him
 so much.

 Again, the man is impressed.

 The third invests the money in the stock market.
 She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him
 back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
 joint account.  She tells him that she wants to
 save for their future because she loves him so
 much.

 Obviously, the man was impressed.

 The man thought for a long time about what each
 woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

 Men are like that, you know.

 There is more money being spent on breast implants
 and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
 This means that by 2040, there should be a large
 elderly population with perky boobs and huge
 erections and absolutely no recollection of what
 to do with them.

Top
Subj:     High School Reunion (S590c)
          From: ginafm on 5/4/2008

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
 reunion, and I  kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
 her drink as she sat alone at a  nearby table.

 My wife asks, "Do you know her?"  "Yes," I sighed, "She's
 my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right
 after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
 hasn't been sober since."

 "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go
 on celebrating that long?"

 So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Top
Subj:     A Wife And Balance In Your Life (S631)
          From: gordonschuk on 2/2/2009

 This picture and accompanying written wisdom are wonderful.
 Click 'HERE' to see it.

Top
Subj:     Rekindling A Relationship (S588b, S797)
          From: darrellvip on 4/20/2008
      and From: virv on 4/22/2012
 (See 'Three Women Discuss Sex Lives' in Women2)

 Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
 are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze
 their men.... that night all three will wear a leather
 bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes

 After a few days they meet again.....

 The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my
 boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice,
 4" stilettos and mask.  He said, 'You are the woman of my
 life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

 The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes!  The other night we met in
 his office.  I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos,
 mask over my eyes and a raincoat.  When I opened the raincoat,
 he didn't say a word.  We just had wild sex all night.'

 The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids
 to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready,
 leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

 My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and
 a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

Top
Subj:     Worry (S574c)
          From: tom on 1/12/2008

 Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become
 accountable for their own actions?  Is there a wonderful
 moment when parents can become detached spectators in
 the lives of their children an d shrug, 'It's their life,'
 and feel nothing?

 When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor
 waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's
 head.  I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?'  The nurse
 said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My dad
 just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a
 classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly,
 disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making
 license plates.  As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you
 can sit back, relax and enjoy them.

 My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime w2aiting for
 the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to
 open.  A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves.
 Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying.  They
 will be adults.'  My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.
 I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new
 wrinkle.  There was nothing I could do about it.  My dad just
 smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over
 their failures, be tormented by their frustrat ions and
 absorbed in their disappointments.

 My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop
 worrying and lead my own life.  I wanted to believe that,
 but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional,
 'You look pale.  Are you all right?  Call me the minute you
 get home.  Are you depressed about something?'

 Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of
 worry?  Is concern for one another handed down like a torch
 to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the
 unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates
 us to the highest form of life?

 One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying
 to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and
 no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile.
 The torch has been passed.

 PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
 (And also to your children. That's the fun part)

Top
Subj:     The Broken Mower (S561)
          From: SCOTCOB on 10/16/2007

 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
 hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I
 always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
 the car, playing golf - always something more important to
 me.

 Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.  When
 I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
 busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

 I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
 house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
 I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting
 the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
 limp.

 Moral of this story:

 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is usually
 right and makes good decisions and the other is the husband.

Top
Subj:     Homeowner Does Yard Work (S538b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007

 The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday
 morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting
 off for weeks.

 He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway
 through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the
 driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get
 for yard work?"

 The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady
 who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Top
Subj:     Wife Comes Home To A Clean House (S513b)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/20/2006

 Housework was woman's work, but one evening, Jenny arrived
 home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
 clothes in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was
 on the stove, and the table set.  She was astonished!

 It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives
 who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were
 too tired to have sex.

 The night went well and the next day, she told her office
 friends all about it.

 "We had a great dinner.  Ralph even cleaned up.  He helped
 the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put
 everything away.  I really enjoyed the evening."

 "But what about afterward?", asked her friends.

 "Oh, that was perfect too.  Ralph was too tired..."

Top
Subj:     Husband Prays To God (S499)
          From: catlynnbray on 8/14/2006

 A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
 his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went
 through so he prayed:

 "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while
 my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go
 through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for
 a day. Amen.

 God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The
 next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.  He
 arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
 Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
 their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked
 up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners.  And stopped
 at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping.  Then
 drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
 balanced the checkbook.

 He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.  Then
 it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do
 the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
 floor.  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into
 an argument with  them on the way home.

 Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
 their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched
 TV while he did the ironing.

 At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
 for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
 for supper.  After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
 dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them
 to bed.  At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily
 chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
 to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
 The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
 and said, "Lord,I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so
 wrong to envy my wifes being able to stay home all day.
 Please, oh please, let us trade back."

 The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel
 you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
 things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait
 nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Top
Subj:     Marriage Vs Divorce (S498c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/7/2006

 Why she married him - he was such a "strong man"
 Why she divorced him - he was such a "dominating male."

 Why he married her - she was so "fragile and petite."
 Why he divorced her - she was so "weak and helpless."

 Why she married him - "he knows how to provide
    a good living."
 Why she divorced him - "all he thinks about is business."

 Why she married him - he was "happy and romantic."
 Why she divorced him - he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

 Why she married him - he was "the life of the party."
 Why she divorced him- "He never wants to come
    home from a party."

 Why he married her - she was "steady and sensible."
 Why he divorced her - she was "boring and dull."

Top
Subj:     Cigarettes And Tampons (S395)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2004

 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
 The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
 answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
 She directs him down the correct aisle.  A few minutes later,
 he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on
 the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
 for some tampons for your wife?

 He answers, " You see, it's like this.  Yesterday, I sent my wife
 to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
 with a tin of  tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo
 much cheaper.  So, I figure  if I have to roll my own, so does she.

Top
Subj:     The Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife (S373, S596c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/22/2004
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 6/15/2008

 After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
 younger woman.  He wanted to continue living in their
 downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked
 his wife to move out and get another place.  His wife
 agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days
 alone at the apartment to pack up her things.

 She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
 crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers
 come and collect her things.  On the third day, she sat down
 for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candle-
 light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
 pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.  When she had
 finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the
 half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
 She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.  When the husband
 returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first
 few days.  Then slowly the apartment began to smell.  They
 tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place
 out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam
 cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

 Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
 during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the
 end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.  Finally,
 they could not take it any longer and decided to move.  They
 could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment!  So they
 had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
 a new place.  The moving company arrived and did a very
 professional packing job, taking  everything to their new
 home...including the curtain rods.

Top
Subj:     Marty Wakes Up With Hangover (S384)
          From: jbcary1 on 6/7/2004

 Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces
 himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
 a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
 He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
 clean and pressed.

 Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
 order, spotless, clean.  So is the rest of the house. He
 takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
 breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
 Love you."

 So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot
 breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at
 the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last
 night?"

 His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk
 and delirious.  Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
 and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
 door."

 Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and
 so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 His son replies, "Oh that!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
 and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady,
 leave me alone, I'm married!"

 A self-induced hangover - $100.00

 Broken furniture - $200.00

 Breakfast - $10.00

 Saying the right thing - priceless

Top
Subj:     Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar (S366)
          From: thebartend on 12/29/2003

 Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local
 watering hole.  He would spend the whole evening there
 and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight
 each night.

 He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole
 and couldn't get the door open.  And, every time this
 happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.
 Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his
 constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
 But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

 One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about
 her husband's behavior.  The friend listened and suggested,
 "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes
 home?  Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some
 loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?  Then, he
 might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a
 good idea.

 That night, Harry took off again after dinner.  And, at
 about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

 His wife heard him at the door.  She quickly opened it and
 let Harry in.  Instead of berating him as she had always
 done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living
 room.  She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up
 on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.  Then, she went
 behind him and started to cuddle him a little.  After a
 short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late,
 dear.  I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you
 think?"

 Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we
 might as well.  I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Top
Subj:     Matt Gets Part In School Play (S312b)
          From: RFSlick on 1/19/2003

 Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a
 dental appointment.  Knowing the parts for the school
 play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son
 if he got a part.

 Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
 "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

 "That's great, son.  Keep up the good work and before
 you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Top
Subj:     Husband And Wife Complain (S307b, S517c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002

 One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife
 was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her
 boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need
 a bra."

 The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

 The next week the two are again in the bathroom and while
 the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and
 says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

 The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

 One day a week later the husband is getting out of the
 shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a
 little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

Top
Subj:     Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem (S298b, S468b)
          From: flovilla on 10/13/2002
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/9/2006

 George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most
 of his family including his mother-in-law.  During their
 vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's
 mother-in-law died.  With the death certificate in hand,
 George went to the American Consulate Office to make
 arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper
 burial.

 The Counsul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law,
 told George that the sending of a body back to the States for
 burial is very very expensive.  It could cost as much as
 $10,000.00.  The Consul continues, in most cases the person
 responsibile for the remains normally decides to bury the
 body here.  This would only cost $500.00 "

 George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how
 much it will cost to send the body back,  that's what I want
 to do."  The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have
 loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference
 in price."

 "No, it's not that" says George,  "You see, I know of a case
 many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem.
 On the third day he arose from the dead!  I just can't take
 that chance!!


Subj:     Short Marriage Jokes

Top
Subj:     Marriage Before And After (S587)
          From: tom
          on 4/19/2008
 You can see this cute sign on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Foreplay After Marriage (S532)
          From: jbcary1 on 4/1/2007
 A husband and wife are in bed together.  She feels his
 hand rubbing against her shoulder.  "Oh honey, that
 feels good.", she says.

 His hand moves to her back, "Gee, honey, that feels
 wonderful.", she says.

 His hand moves to her leg.  "Oh, honey, don't stop."
 she begs.  But he stops.................

 "Why did you stop?" she cries ???

 "I found the remote..."
 

Top
Subj:     Free To Good Home (S587b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 4/16/2008
 Source: http://www.buffaloschips.com/32172.htm
 You can read this cute classified ad at the above source,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     The Wrong And Right Of Marriage (S553c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/21/2007
 A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both
 of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

 "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a
 conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

 He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

 "I'm wrong," she said.

 With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
 

Top
Subj:     Marriage's Bedroom Battle (S548b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 7/17/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19910328
 This is a cute cartoon that I can relate too.  You can view
 it at the source above, or on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Anger Management (S523b)
          From: darrell94590 on 1/23/2007
 Husband ... " When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
               How do you control your anger ? "
 Wife ... " I clean the toilet bowl ! "
 Husband ... " How does that help ? "
 Wife ... " I use your toothbrush ! "
 

Top
Subj:     What To Wear (S547b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 5/14/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19900327
 What to wear when the wife has chores for you!  You can
 view this cute picture at the source above, or on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Kitchen Sex (S480, S613)
          From: thebartend on 3/29/2006
      and From: jcary on 9/19/2008
          (See 'Kinds Of Sex In Marriage' in Marriage6)
 She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil
 eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that
 she normally slept in.

 As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said
 softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very
 moment.'

 My eyes lit up and I thought, : "I am either still
 dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

 Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and
 then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

 Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
 stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

 A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

 She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
 

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Subj:     Ex-Wife (S478c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 3/15/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19970208
 You can view this silly cartoon at the source above, or on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Definition of Guts And Balls (S466b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 12/24/2005
 We've all heard about people having guts or balls.  But do
 you really know the difference between them?  In an effort
 to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

 GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
 being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
 guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
 somewhere?"

 BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
 smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
 your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
 

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Subj:     Swapping Position (S443b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 7/17/2005
 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing
            board...while I sit on the sofa and fart.
 

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Subj:     Wife Cooks Socks (S440)
          From: LabLaughs.com on 7/3/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_jokes.php?id=20050627
 A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the
 kitchen cooking.  He looks to see what she's cooking, and
 sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

 "What are you doing?" he asks.

 "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came
 to bed very drunk," she replied

 Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
 "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
 

Top
Subj:     The Wife And Bondage (S427)
          From: drgolfmd on 3/22/2005
 The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
 dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple
 of short velvet ropes.

 "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 So, I tied her up and went golfing.
 

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Subj:     Kissing Daddy Good-Bye (S407)
          From: DafterLafter on 11/4/2004
 "Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's
 den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"

 "You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two
 minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
 

Top
Subj:     True Bravery (S401b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 6/24/2004
 True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out,
 being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having
 the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
 somewhere?
 

Top
Subj:     Husband Names Wife's Favorite Flower (S356b)
          From: thebartend on 11/25/2003
 While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim
 and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is
 essential that husbands and wives know the things that
 are important to each other."

 He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you
 name your wife's favorite flower?"

 Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
 "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 The rest of the story is not pleasant.
 

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Subj:     Why A Wife Was Beautiful ? Stupid (S355)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
 A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can
 be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."  The
 wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you.  God made
 me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
 stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
 

Top
Subj:     Marriage Vs Free Milk (S353)
          From: gheckman on 11/6/2003
 For all those men who believe that there's no reason to
 buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, you may
 want to keep the following in mind... Nowadays, 80% of
 women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the
 fact that for 6 ounces of sausage it's not worth buying
 the entire pig.
 

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Subj:     Old Man Visits Warlock (S332b)
          From: igiggle on 6/7/2003
 An old man goes to a warlock to ask him if he can remove
 a curse he has been living with for the last forty years.
 The warlock says, "Maybe, but first you will have to tell
 me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you."

 Without hesitation, the old man says, " I now pronounce
 you man and wife."
 

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Subj:     Guys Discuss Premarital Sex (S331b, S514c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003
      and From: cappucinid on 11/27/2006
          (See 'Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity' in Redneck-Supp)
 Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together,
 and were talking about their respective married lives.

 I had sex with my wife before we were married," said Don,
 "did you?" "Gee, I don't know," answered Arty. "What was
 your wife's maiden name?"
 

Top
Subj:     'Why Did You Marry Me?' (S328b)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/7/2003
 During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why
 I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid,"
 I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that,
 I requested an explanation.

 "People get divorced all the time because they fall out
 of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody
 falling out of stupid."
 

Top
Subj:     Wife Goes To Beauty Parlor (S326)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com on 4/28/2003
 My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no
 apparent reason.  Just the other day she got mad when
 she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.

 I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are
 you going to get the work done?"
 

Top
Subj:     Maud's Three Marriages (S324b)
          From: igiggle on 4/14/2003
 Sara was telling Jacob about her girl friend's
 marriages.  "Yes," Sara said, "my friend Maud is only
 twenty-five, but she's been married three times.  And
 all her husbands have been named William."

 "You don't say!" Jacob replied.  "Well, she must be a
 regular Bill collector!"
 

Top
Subj:     Messy Housekeeping (S323b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/6/2003
 My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

 One evening my dad returned home from work, walked
 into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I
 can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

 Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling,
 I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
 

Top
Subj:     Man Sees Magic Show (S309b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/1/2003
 During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a
 popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man
 from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you  do that?"

 "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then
 I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled
 back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

Top
Subj:     Wife's Nick Name Is Crisco (S304)
          From: coreymac on 11/26/2002
 There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket
 calling out "Crisco, Crii-iiiiiscoooo!"

 Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in
 aisle D."

 The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for
 the cooking stuff, I'm calling my wife."

 "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

 The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her
 that when we're out in public."

 "Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"

 "Lard ass."
 

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Subj:     Mood Ring (S297, S613c)
          From: KMACINTY on 10/10/2002
      and From: edapsmas on 10/3/2008
 My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me
 a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor
 my moods.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,
 it turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
 frickin' red mark on his forehead.

 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond... the idiot!
 

Top
Subj:     Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes (S295)
          From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002
 Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring
 into their drinks.  One gets a curious look on his face
 and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a
 hole in it before?"

 "Yep.  I been married to one for fifteen years!"

Top
Subj:     Wife Has A Headache (S294b)
          From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
          (See 'Husband Brings Wife Two Asprin' in MARRIAGE5)
 A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing
 into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
 headache."

 "Perfect," her husband said.  "I was just in the bathroom
 powdering my penis with aspirin.  You can take it orally,
 or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Top
Subj:     Secrets To A Happy Marriage (S288)
          From: pns on 8/1/2002
 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

 4. It is important that these three women never meet

From: gordonschuk on 1/7/2007 (S520b)
 Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
 2. Whenever you're right, shut  up.
      -- Nash
 

From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
 I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

 "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

 So,.... I suggested the kitchen!
 

From: dogbyte on 10/7/2002 (S297b)
 If marriage were outlawed, then
 only outlaws would have inlaws.
 

From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
 Marriage is a rest period between romances.
 

From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
 In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
 woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks
 and the man listens.  In the third year, they both
 speak and the neighbors listen.

From: giggle on 4/19/2003 (S325b)
 40% of U.S. couples say they first discussed marriage
 in the back seat of a car.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
 Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
 with a relative.

From: igiggle on 6/12/2003 (S335b)
 The man who gives in when he is wrong is wise.
 The man who gives in when he is right is married.

From: Imogenelumen on 7/24/2003 (S339b)
 If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
 like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

From: igiggle on 8/2/2003 (S341b)
 Brian:  My wife doesn't understand me; does yours?
 Don:  I don't think so, I've never heard her mention
       your name.

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 My wife is a sex object.
 Every time I ask for sex, she objects.  -- Les Dawson

From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004 (S388b)
 Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man
 your wife would have preferred.

From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2004 (S393b - love)
 Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005
  (S446b - quotes-comed-supp)
 "If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
  craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all
  you have to do is go to a state fair.  Because five
  minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're
  alright. We are dang near royalty."  -- Jeff Foxworthy

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/16/2005 (S465b)
 "It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on
  earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
    -- Robert Frost

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006 (S480b - women3)
 "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
  the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
    -- Agatha Christie

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006 (S501b)
 "You are only as happy as your unhappiest child."
    -- unknown

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/6/2006 (S512b)
 "In life, it's not who you know that's important,
  it's how your wife found out."  -- Joey Adams

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/11/2007 (S529b)
 Ive learned that love is blind until you say, I DO.
 

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004 (S410b - funeral)
 Q: What did the wife say when her husband announced
    that he was going to become a necrophiliac?
 A: "Over my dead body"

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
 Q: What's long and hard for a man?
 A: Marriage

From: Anonymous Junior on 11/3/2007 (S563b)
 Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
 A: Outlaws are Wanted.

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...........................From Smiley_Central.
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