Subj: Marriage6 Jokes
(Includes 69 jokes and articles, 03 1034,7,cf,wXT4,6)
Click "Here" for Marriage-Supp
Mom At Home
Marriage1 and 2 file equally involve
both in the joke.
Marriage3 file has jokes that usually only involve one partner.
Marriage4 contains jokes and oddities
Marriage5 and 6 contains short jokes
Subj: Marriage's Bedroom Battle (S548b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/17/2007
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
........This is a cute cartoon that I can relate too.
Subj: Wife Comes Home To A Clean House (S513b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/20/2006
Housework was woman's work, but
one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
clothes in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was
on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read
an article that said wives
who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next
day, she told her office
friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner.
Ralph even cleaned up. He helped
the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put
everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?", asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."
Subj: The Broken Mower (S561)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/16/2007
When our lawn mower broke and
wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf - always something more important to
Finally she thought of a clever
way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a
Moral of this story:
Marriage is a relationship in
which one person is usually
right and makes good decisions and the other is the husband.
BC Sunday Comic Strip (S605)
By Johnny Hart on 8/10/2008
This BC comic strip discusses
bringing your wife flowers.
Regrettable this comic strip has been all too real in my
life. You can share my pain by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Choosing A Wife (S627b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/15/2009
A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble
choosing among three likely candidates. He gives
each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see
what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy
beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and
buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to
be more a attractive for him because she loves him
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy
the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos
for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in
the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him
back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to
save for their future because she loves him so
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time
about what each
woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent
on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.
Subj: High School Reunion (S590c)
From: ginafm on 5/4/2008
My wife and I were sitting at
a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who
would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?"
So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
A Wife And Balance In Your Life (S631)
From: gordonschuk on 2/2/2009
This picture and accompanying
written wisdom are wonderful.
Click 'HERE' to see it.
Subj: Rekindling A Relationship (S588b, S797)
From: darrellvip on 4/20/2008
and From: virv on 4/22/2012
(See 'Three Women Discuss Sex Lives' in Women2)
Three women: one engaged, one
married, and one a mistress,
are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze
their men.... that night all three will wear a leather
bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said:
'The other night, when my
boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice,
4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my
life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes!
The other night we met in
his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos,
mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat,
he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The
other night I sent the kids
to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready,
leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work,
grabbed the TV controller and
a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
Subj: Worry (S574c)
From: tom on 1/12/2008
Is there a magic cutoff period
when offspring become
accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful
moment when parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children an d shrug, 'It's their life,'
and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I
stood in a hospital corridor
waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's
head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse
said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My dad
just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I
sat on a little chair in a
classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly,
disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making
license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you
can sit back, relax and enjoy them.
My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent
a lifetime w2aiting for
the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to
open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves.
Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They
will be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick
& tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new
wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My dad just
smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over
their failures, be tormented by their frustrat ions and
absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my
kids got married I could stop
worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that,
but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you
get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced
to a lifetime of
worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch
to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the
unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates
us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite
irritable recently, saying
to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and
no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL
(And also to your children. That's the fun part)
Subj: Homeowner Does Yard Work (S538b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007
The homeowner got into his grubbiest
clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting
off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned
the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the
driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get
for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute,
then answered, "The lady
who lives here lets me sleep with her."
Subj: Husband Prays To God (S499)
From: catlynnbray on 8/14/2006
A man was sick and tired of going
to work every day while
his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went
through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every
day and put in 8 hours while
my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go
through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for
a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish. The
next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He
arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked
up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners. And stopped
at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping. Then
drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog. Then
it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into
an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched
TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes
and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them
to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily
chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
and said, "Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom,
replied, "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait
nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Subj: Marriage Vs Divorce (S498c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/7/2006
Why she married him - he was
such a "strong man"
Why she divorced him - he was such a "dominating male."
Why he married her - she was
so "fragile and petite."
Why he divorced her - she was so "weak and helpless."
Why she married him - "he knows
how to provide
a good living."
Why she divorced him - "all he thinks about is business."
Why she married him - he was
"happy and romantic."
Why she divorced him - he was "shiftless and fun-loving."
Why she married him - he was
"the life of the party."
Why she divorced him- "He never wants to come
home from a party."
Why he married her - she was
"steady and sensible."
Why he divorced her - she was "boring and dull."
Subj: Cigarettes And Tampons (S395)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2004
A man walks into a pharmacy and
wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later,
he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on
the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like
this. Yesterday, I sent my wife
to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo
much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
Subj: The Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife (S373, S596c)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/22/2004
and From: LABLaughsClean on 6/15/2008
After 17 years of marriage, a
man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked
his wife to move out and get another place. His wife
agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days
alone at the apartment to pack up her things.
She spent the first day packing
her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candle-
light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had
finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the
half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first
few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They
tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place
out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally,
they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They
could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment! So they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very
professional packing job, taking everything to their new
home...including the curtain rods.
Subj: Marty Wakes Up With Hangover (S384)
From: jbcary1 on 6/7/2004
Marty wakes up at home with a
huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last
His son says, "Well, you came
home after 3 A.M., drunk
and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why
is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
Subj: Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar (S366)
From: thebartend on 12/29/2003
Every night after dinner, Harry
took off for the local
watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there
and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight
He usually had trouble getting
his key to fit the keyhole
and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this
happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.
Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his
constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife
was talking to a friend about
her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested,
"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes
home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some
loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he
might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a
That night, Harry took off again
after dinner. And, at
about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door.
She quickly opened it and
let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always
done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living
room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up
on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went
behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a
short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late,
dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you
Harry replied in his inebriated
state, "Heck, I guess we
might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Subj: Matt Gets Part In School Play (S312b)
From: RFSlick on 1/19/2003
Matt's dad picked him up from
school to take him to a
dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school
play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son
if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced
that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep
up the good work and before
you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Subj: Husband And Wife Complain (S307b, S517c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002
One day a husband and wife were
in the bathroom. The wife
was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her
boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the two are again
in the bathroom and while
the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and
says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."
The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband
is getting out of the
shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a
little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."
Subj: Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem (S298b, S468b)
From: flovilla on 10/13/2002
and From: DoctorDebt on 1/9/2006
George went on a vacation to
the Middle East with most
of his family including his mother-in-law. During their
vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's
mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand,
George went to the American Consulate Office to make
arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper
The Counsul, after hearing of
the death of the mother-in-law,
told George that the sending of a body back to the States for
burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as
$10,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person
responsibile for the remains normally decides to bury the
body here. This would only cost $500.00 "
George thinks for some time and
answers, "I don't care how
much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want
to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have
loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference
"No, it's not that" says George,
"You see, I know of a case
many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem.
On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take
Subj: Short Marriage Jokes
Subj: Foreplay After Marriage (S532)
From: jbcary1 on 4/1/2007
(Also see 'After 20 Years Of Marriage' in Marrage-Supp)
A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his
hand rubbing against her shoulder. "Oh honey, that
feels good.", she says.
His hand moves to her back, "Gee,
honey, that feels
wonderful.", she says.
His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop."
she begs. But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???
"I found the remote..."
Free To Good Home (S587b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008
..........Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
Subj: The Wrong And Right Of Marriage (S553c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/21/2007
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both
of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife
told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he
responded, "You're right!"
Marriage Before And After (S587)
From: tom on 4/19/2008
You can see this cute sign by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Anger Management (S523b)
From: darrell94590 on 1/23/2007
Husband ... " When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger ? "
Wife ... " I clean the toilet bowl ! "
Husband ... " How does that help ? "
Wife ... " I use your toothbrush ! "
What To Wear (S547b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/14/2007
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Kitchen Sex (S480, S613)
From: thebartend on 3/29/2006
and From: jcary on 9/19/2008
(See 'Kinds Of Sex In Marriage' in Marriage6)
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil
eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that
she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake,
she turned and said
softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very
My eyes lit up and I thought,
: "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and
then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,'
and returned to the
stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/15/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Definition of Guts And Balls (S466b)
From: DoctorDebt on 12/24/2005
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late
after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
BALLS - is coming home late after
a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Subj: Swapping Position (S443b)
From: DoctorDebt on 7/17/2005
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing
board...while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Subj: Wife Cooks Socks (S440)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/3/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the
kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and
sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me
to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks
away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
Subj: The Wife And Bondage (S427)
From: drgolfmd on 3/22/2005
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple
of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
Subj: Kissing Daddy Good-Bye (S407)
From: DafterLafter on 11/4/2004
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's
den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your
mother just did that two
minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
Subj: True Bravery (S401b)
From: Imogenelumen on 6/24/2004
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having
the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
Subj: Husband Names Wife's Favorite Flower (S356b)
From: thebartend on 11/25/2003
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim
and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is
essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance,
gentlemen, can you
name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his
wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not
Subj: Why A Wife Was Beautiful ? Stupid (S355)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The
wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Subj: Marriage Vs Free Milk (S353)
From: gheckman on 11/6/2003
For all those men who believe that there's no reason to
buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, you may
want to keep the following in mind... Nowadays, 80% of
women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the
fact that for 6 ounces of sausage it's not worth buying
the entire pig.
Subj: Old Man Visits Warlock (S332b)
From: igiggle on 6/7/2003
An old man goes to a warlock to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with for the last forty years.
The warlock says, "Maybe, but first you will have to tell
me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man
says, " I now pronounce
you man and wife."
Subj: Guys Discuss Premarital Sex (S331b, S514c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003
and From: cappucinid on 11/27/2006
(See 'Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity' in Redneck-Supp)
Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together,
and were talking about their respective married lives.
I had sex with my wife before
we were married," said Don,
"did you?" "Gee, I don't know," answered Arty. "What was
your wife's maiden name?"
Subj: 'Why Did You Marry Me?' (S328b)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/7/2003
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why
I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid,"
I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that,
I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the
time because they fall out
of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody
falling out of stupid."
Subj: Wife Goes To Beauty Parlor (S326)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 4/28/2003
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no
apparent reason. Just the other day she got mad when
she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.
I asked, "Are you going in for
an estimate, or are
you going to get the work done?"
Subj: Maud's Three Marriages (S324b)
From: igiggle on 4/14/2003
Sara was telling Jacob about her girl friend's
marriages. "Yes," Sara said, "my friend Maud is only
twenty-five, but she's been married three times. And
all her husbands have been named William."
"You don't say!" Jacob replied.
"Well, she must be a
regular Bill collector!"
Subj: Messy Housekeeping (S323b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/6/2003
My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home
from work, walked
into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I
can write my name in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly
replied, "Yes, darling,
I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
Subj: Man Sees Magic Show (S309b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/1/2003
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man
from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the
magician answered, " But then
I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled
back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"
Subj: Wife's Nick Name Is Crisco (S304)
From: coreymac on 11/26/2002
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket
calling out "Crisco, Crii-iiiiiscoooo!"
Soon a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is in
The old gentleman replied, "Oh,
I'm not looking for
the cooking stuff, I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no,
no, no. I only call her
that when we're out in public."
"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"
Subj: Mood Ring (S297, S613c)
From: KMACINTY on 10/10/2002
and From: edapsmas on 10/3/2008
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me
a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor
my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me
a diamond... the idiot!
Subj: Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes (S295)
From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring
into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face
and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a
hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
Subj: Wife Has A Headache (S294b)
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
(See 'Husband Brings Wife Two Asprin' in MARRIAGE5)
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing
into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally,
or as a suppository, it's up to you."
Subj: Secrets To A Happy Marriage (S288)
From: pns on 8/1/2002
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet
From: gordonschuk on 1/7/2007 (S520b)
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
From: dogbyte on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So,.... I suggested the kitchen!
From: dogbyte on 10/7/2002 (S297b)
If marriage were outlawed, then
only outlaws would have inlaws.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
From: giggle on 4/19/2003 (S325b)
40% of U.S. couples say they first discussed marriage
in the back seat of a car.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
From: igiggle on 6/12/2003 (S335b)
The man who gives in when he is wrong is wise.
The man who gives in when he is right is married.
From: Imogenelumen on 7/24/2003 (S339b)
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
From: igiggle on 8/2/2003 (S341b)
Brian: My wife doesn't understand me; does yours?
Don: I don't think so, I've never heard her mention
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson
From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004 (S388b)
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man
your wife would have preferred.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2004 (S393b
Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005
(S446b - quotes-comed-supp)
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all
you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five
minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're
alright. We are dang near royalty." -- Jeff Foxworthy
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/16/2005
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on
earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
-- Robert Frost
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006
(S480b - women3)
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
-- Agatha Christie
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006
"You are only as happy as your unhappiest child."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/6/2006
"In life, it's not who you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out." -- Joey Adams
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/11/2007
I’ve learned that love is blind until you say, “I DO”.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004
(S410b - funeral)
Q: What did the wife say when her husband announced
that he was going to become a necrophiliac?
A: "Over my dead body"
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
Q: What's long and hard for a man?
From: Anonymous Junior on 11/3/2007
Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted.