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We have the standard
6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries
increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this
never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire
along the top of the fence. Because I'm a guy, I
got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, it was made for
26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft.
long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is
the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing
the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp bigwheel pushmower. The
hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact,
well; I was pretty sure that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there,
I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7
gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice
is my balls trying to climb up the front side
of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in
the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs
& Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.
It seems as though
the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control
my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot
crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times
in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM
you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm
about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I can't let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like
9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I
could not let go
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower
runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think,
as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower
is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern
as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please
die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy
cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the
middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own
backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day...
he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know
how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours
later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny
dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding
on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
sleep I realized a few things...
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1
- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have
cramps in the bottoms of my feet and
my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee,
and semen when all mixed together, do
not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left
eye will not open.
5 - My right
eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower
runs like a sumnabitch now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7 - My balls
are still smaller than average yet
they are almost a foot long
8 - I can turn
on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?) |
.
That day changed
my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the
little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the
fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is
that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check
before I mow. "The happiest people don't have
the best of everything...
they make the best of what they have" |
