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>>>
Subj:     Men1 Jokes
                 (Includes 40 jokes and articles, 22 1015,12,cf,wXT2a3,5)

Man's Evolution from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  Thanks Dad! - Drawings (S983)
.........................Father's Day - 5 Pictures And Signs
.........................Father's Day Tribute (S181b, S593c)
.........................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S590c)
.........................The Perfect Man (S131b, DU)
.........................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S648b)
.........................Two Men Camping (S09, S796)
.........................Every Guy Needs One - 4 Photos (S561)
.........................Saving Grandfather's Clock (S262b, DU)
.........................Men Regrowing Hair - Newspaper Article (S566c)
.........................Conservative Man Wears Earring (S123, S771)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S657b)
.........................Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives (S284, S866)
.........................Indian, African And Englishman Levitate Wives (DU)
.........................Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages - Photo (S619)
.........................In Honor of Fathers: (S125)
.........................When God Made Fathers (S125, DU)
.........................Man Through The Ages - Cartoon (S400)
.........................Father's Day Funnies (S125)
.........................Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say (S125)
.........................Fresh Prince On Being A Father - Video (S1015)
.........................Big And Little Guy In Elevator (DU)
.........................The Watch (S383b)
.........................The Ancient Code Of Bachelors - Drawing (S501c)
.........................Three Guys In A Haren (S26, DU)
.........................Frugal Man (S494)
.........................Wild Party In Vermont (S27, S808)
.........................Popsicle Stick Riddle (S815)

Also see BATHROOM-GRAF- 'The Newest In Men's Bathroom Walls'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Guy Mates A Chicken'
         BIRTHDAY     - 'My 45 Birthday'
         BAR1 file    - 'Colin's Friends'
         BAR2 file    - 'Strongest Man Contest'
         BIG_CATS file- 'Father And Son At The Tiger Cage'
         BODY PARTS   - 'World Beard and Moustache Championships'
         Breast file  - 'Chris Pays $100 To See Nora's Breasts'
......................- 'Finding the Right Girl'
         BREAST-SUPP  - 'Staring At Breasts Is Healthy II'
         CANDY file   - 'Top Ten Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Men'
         CARS2 file   - 'Man Tries To Get Boy In Car'
         CARS3 file   - 'Airbag For Men'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Man - A Chemical Analysis'
         CHURCH file  - 'Blonde Man Gets Black Eye'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Sunday School, Damnation, And Santa'
         CLOTHING file- 'Man Buys Gloves For Woman'
         CONDOM file  - 'Being Propositioned By Your Fiance’s Sister'
         DATING1 file - 'Picking Up Girls With Potatoes'
......................- 'Girlfriend Packs Her Bags'
......................- (See the whole file)
         DATING2 file - 'What Kind Of Man Makes The Best Lover?'
......................- .(See the whole file)
         DATING3 file - 'Asking Your Date To Marry You'
         DIFFERENCES1 - 'Dave Barry On Beauty'
......................- 'Female Brain Cell In A Man'
......................- 'Why Men Will Never Win'
......................- 'The Differences Between Men And Women'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Geography Of A Woman/Man'
......................- 'Girl's/Boy's Prayers'
......................- 'How Men And Women Shower'
......................- 'How To Break Up With A Woman'
......................- 'Stages Of Life'
......................- 'What Men Want And What Women Want'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'He Said/ She Said'
......................- 'How To Speak About Men And Women'
......................- 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'How To Impress A Woman Or Man'
......................- 'A Perfect Day'
......................- 'Rita Rudner's Facts About Men'
......................- 'The Many Moods of Mars and Venus'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Man Changes His Sex'
......................- 'Man Is Castrated'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Sol's Heart Condition'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Man Wants To Live Longer'
         DOG2 file    - 'How Dogs And Men Are the Same'
......................- 'How Dogs Are Better Than Men'
......................- 'Where Dogs Fall Down'
         DRINKING     - 'Men And Women On Wine'
         ELDERLY2     - 'Man Has Face Lift'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Two Old Guys At Wal-Wart'
         ELEPHANT     - 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts'
         ENGLISH file - 'If English Words Had Gender'
         FAIRY_TALES  - 'Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale'
         FARTS        - 'A Man Who Loved Beans'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'How To BBQ'
......................- 'The Bachelor Diet'
         GAMES file   - 'Sees Something Under The Card Table'
         GAY file     - 'Sailor Needs A Hotel Room'
         GAYS-SUPP    - 'Gay Marriage' - Video
         GENIE file   - 'Man's One Wish Is For Luck For A Day'
......................- (See whole file)
         GOD2 file    - 'Woodcutter Meets The Lord'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Man Hit By Golf Ball'
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men'
         HANDICAP-SUPP- 'Strongest Dad In The World'
.........HELL file    - 'Three Guys In Hell'
         HEAVEN file  - 'Three Men At The Pearly Gates'
         HOOKER file  - 'Man Goes To High Class Brothel'
......................- 'The Bloke And The Hooker On The Street'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
         HOTEL file   - 'Hotel For Women'
         HUNTER/CAMP  - 'Three Guys Cross A River'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women'
         ITALIAN      - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Government Road Workers'
.........JOB-STUFF    - 'Wanna Buy A Fish Hook?'
......................- 'Selling Half A Grapefruit'
......................- 'Mad Employee Plots Revenge'
         JUDGE file   - 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
         KIDS2 file   - 'The Last Child Support Check'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
......................- 'Having Tea With Your Daughter'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Chain Letter For Men'
......................- 'Male-Bashing Humor Chain Letter'
         LISTS file   - 'Men's Rules For Women'
......................- 'The Last 10 Things A Man Would Ever Say'
......................- 'Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:'
         MAILMAN file - 'Mailman's Last Day'
.........MANNERS-ADVIC- 'Friendly Advice To Men'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'I Love Her, But.....'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'The Perfect Husband'
......................- 'The Perfect Husband II' - Video
         MARRIAGE4    - 'The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Marriage - A Husband's Viewpoint'
......................- 'The Perfect Breakfast:'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Choosing A Wife'
......................- 'Guys Discuss Premarital Sex'
         MENQUESTIONS - 'Male Or Female?'
......................- 'Things Men Shouldn't Say At Victora's Secret'
......................- '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
         MONKEY file  - 'Bloke Flips Off Gorilla'
......................- 'Man Asked To Mate Gorilla'
......................- 'Man Pays To Loose Weight'
.........MOTHERS file - 'Call Me "Mother"'
         MOVIE-TV_ETC - 'Man Sleeps In Theater'
         MUSIC file   - 'Two Men Sentenced To Death'
         NATIVES file - 'Picking Fruit'
         NUDIST file  - 'Man Does Striptease' - Video
......................- 'New Nudist At Colony'
         OTHER_SPORTS - 'Buying Your Son A Set Of Weights'
         PENIS1 file  -  (See the whole file)
         PLANE1 file  - 'Man On Plane Sneezes And Comes'
......................- 'Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane'
         PREGNANT file- 'Three Guys Discuss Vacation'
......................- 'If Men Got Pregnant'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Man Joins Silent Monastery'
.........PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Men In Psych Study'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Three Nationalities In A Sauna'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Blonde Waves In Supermarket'
.........SEX1 file    - 'Man With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex'
         SEX3 file    - 'Sex And Happiness Survey'
......................- 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex'
......................- 'Days Men Prefer Sex'
         SEX-SUPP     - 'Jack The Optimist'
         SPERM file   - 'Three Guys Discuss Early Memories'
         STORIES file - 'Tired Carpenter Gets Ride Home' (in NonJokes)
         SWIMMING file- 'Bad Day At The Office'
         THO-LEARN-SUP- 'The Real Friend Test'
         THOUGHTS-QUOT- 'The Guy in the Glass'
         THO-SILLY-SUP- 'My Resignation As An Adult'
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Procrastinator's Creed'
.........TREES file   - 'Man Speaks In A Forest' - Sign
         WAITR-WAITRSS- 'Where Shall We Eat?'
         WEDDINGS     - 'If Men Were In Charge Of Weddings:'
         WOMEN1 file  - '20 Things Women Do That Men Probably Don't Know About'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'What I Want In A Man'
......................- 'What I Want In A Man II'
......................- 'The Ages Of Woman And Man'
         WOMEN3 file  - 'M E N !'
......................- 'Women's Compact Instruction Booklet'
......................- 'Attractive Woman Formula'

The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2 and 3 file contains tests and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners, short jokes, and Q/A.
============================================================Top
Subj:     Thanks Dad! (S983)
          From: Fred Carll on Facebook on 11/15/2015
 Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/82190761923179374/
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Top
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Subj:     Father's Day Pictures And Signs
..........(Includes 5 pictures,cf,md)
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Click 'HERE' to see my favorite
Father's Day pictures and signs.
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Drawing from Mansfieldy.org
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Top
Subj:     Father's Day Tribute (S181b, S593c)
          From: mbucher on 6/16/2002

 Paul Harvey's Annual Father's Day Tribute

 A father is a thing that is forced to endure childbirth
 without an anesthetic.  A father never feels entirely
 worthy of the worship in a child's eyes.  He's never
 quite the hero his daughter thinks he is, never quite
 the man his son believes him to be -- and this worries
 him, sometimes.

 So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places
 in the road for those of his own who will follow him.
 A father is a thing that gets very angry when school
 grades aren't as good as he thinks they should be.  He
 scolds his son though he knows it's the teacher's fault.

 Fathers give daughters away to other men who aren't
 nearly good enough so they can have grandchildren who
 are smarter than anybody's.

 Fathers make bets with insurance companies about who
 will live the longest.  Though they know the odds, they
 keep right on betting. And one day they lose.

 I don't know where a father goes when he dies.  But I've
 an idea that after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't
 be happy unless there's work to do.

 He won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's
 loved and the children she bore.  He'll be busy there,
 too, repairing the stairs, oiling the gates, improving
 the streets, smoothing the way.

                                  -Paul Harvey

Subj:     An addendum Father's Day Tribute
          From: mbucher on 6/17/2002

 A father gets under their kids car to right the wrongs,
 that have been caused by their kids.  He then scolds
 them for abusing their cars, curses as he is doing the
 repairs..........all the time thinking that he is so
 happy, that his loved one has been spared serious injuries!

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S590c)
          By Wiley Miller on 5/4/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2008/05/04

 You can view this cute Sunday comic strip about 'Milestones
 in the Development of Guys' by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     The Perfect Man (S131b, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 8/6/99

 The Perfect Man is gentle,
 Never cruel or mean.
 He has a beautiful smile
 And Keeps his face so clean.

 The Perfect Man likes children
 And will raise them by your side.
 He will be a good father
 And a good husband to his bride.

 The Perfect Man loves cooking,
 Cleaning and vacuuming, too.
 He'll do anything in his power
 To convey his love to you.

 The Perfect Man is sweet,
 Writing poetry from your name.
 He's a best friend to your mother,
 And kisses away your pain.

 He never has made you cry,
 Or hurt you in any way.
 Oh, to hell with this endless poem?
 The Perfect Man is gay.

Top
Subj:     The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S648b)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 6/9/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theflyingmccoys/2009/06/09
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Top
Subj:     Two Men Camping (S09, S796)
          From: Don_Hatch on 97-03-14

 Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together,
 and they were getting a little testy.  One morning, the first
 friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's
 nerves.  Why don't we split up today.  I'll hike north and
 spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the
 day.  Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
 over the campfire."

 The second friend agrees and hikes south.  The first man hikes
 north.  That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

 "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley.  I followed a stream
 up into a canyon and ate lunch.  Then I swam in a crystal
 clear mountain lake.  As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
 come and drink from the stream.  The wildflowers were filled
 with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
 your day?"

 The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of
 railroad tracks.  I followed them until I came across a
 beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.  I cut the ropes
 off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in
 every imaginable way all afternoon.  Finally, when I was so
 tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

 "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better
 than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

 "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't
 find her head."

Top
Subj:     Every Guy Needs One (S561) 
          From: edapsmas on 10/16/2007

 Every guy with an ounce of testosterone in his system
 must have one of these!  Click 'HERE' to view.

Top
Subj:     Saving Grandfather's Clock (S262b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 2/4/2002

 A well off young man was moving from one house to another,
 a few streets away.  Observing with dismay the care-free
 way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques
 about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible
 damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

 Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house.
 But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides,
 and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms
 and mop his streaming brow.  Then he would clutch his
 burden and stagger on again.

 After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was
 nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who
 had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the
 road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

 "Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

 "What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

 "Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

Top
Subj:     Men Regrowing Hair (S566c in Body Parts)
          From: Dr. Peter Gott
          in Vallejo Times Herald on 11/27/2007

 This home-remedy for male hair loss was in the doctor's
 column of the Vallejo Times Herald.  Click 'HERE' to read.

Top
Subj:     Conservative Man Wears Earring (S123, S771)
          From: thebartend on 6/3/99

 A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker
 is wearing an earring.  This man knows his coworker to be a
 normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
 change in "fashion sense."

 The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
 into earrings."

 "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
 sheepishly.

 "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

 "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S657b)
          By Bob Thaves on 8/7/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2009/08/07
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Top
Subj:     Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives (S284, S866)
          From: tom on 3/15/2009
      and From: lubin100 on 8/2/2013

 Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

 The Italian man says, " Last week, my wife and I had great
 sex.  I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
 passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

 The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex,
 I rubbed her body all over with butter.  We then made
 passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

 The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I
 had sex too.  I rubbed her body all over with chicken
 schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she
 screamed for 6 hours.

 The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.  They replied,
 "What could you have possibly done to make your wife
 scream for 6 hours?"

 "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Top
Subj:     Indian, African and Englishman Levitate Wives (DU)

 An Indian, an African and an Englishman were sitting in a
 bar together.  The Indian tells the others, in the pub one
 day, how he makes love to his wife. "I use ancient Indian
 love potions.  I rub them into her body for half an hour,
 and then she floats 12 inches above the bed.  We make love,
 and it is fantastic"

 The African says his bit.... "I use an ancient African love
 potion.  I rub it into my wifes' body, and after an hour she
 floats 6 feet above the surface of the bed.  We make love,
 and it is marvelous!!"

 The Englishmans turn.  (Determined not to be outdone).....
 "I go to the pub and get smashed.  I come back home late at
 night, and shag my wife til I come over her belly.  Then I
 wipe my dick on the curtains and go to sleep. ..... She
 hits the ceiling!"

Top
Subj:     Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages (S619)
          From: gattica30 on 11/17/2008.

 You can view this cute picture by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     In Honor of Fathers: (S125)
..........From: smiles on 6/19/99

 "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. It
 don't make no difference to me. I'll just make another one
 like you."  -- Bill Cosby on what his father used to tell him.

 "Dad told all the boys to get laid as often as possible."
  -- John F. Kennedy

 "Beware of couples who hold hands. They hold hands because
 they're afraid if they let go they'll kill each other."
  -- Arthur Marx, on what his father, 
.....Groucho Marx, used to tell him.

 "When Charlie was there, my dad would sit him on one knee
 and me on the other and he'd put his hand on both our necks,
 and when he'd squeeze my neck, I'd move my mouth, and when
 he squeezed Charlie's neck, he'd move his. As Charlie and I
 yammered away at each other across my father, mouths flapping
 soundlessly, behind us, smiling politely, sat my dad, happily
 speaking for both of us."
  -- Candice Bergen, on her father Edgar Bergen

 "My father used to say there are two kinds of people: those
 who stop at an accident and those who drive by. He was the
 kind who would help."
  -- Marlo Thomas on her father Danny Thomas
 

                   My Father

  When I was:
  Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
  Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
  Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
  Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
  Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
     things were sure different.
  Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
     anything about that. He is too old to remember his
     childhood.
  Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He
     is so old-fashioned.
  Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly
     out of date.
  Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
     should, because he has been around so long.
  Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
     After all, he's had a lot of experience.
  Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until
     I talk to Dad.
  Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it.
     He was so wise.
  Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now
     so I could talk this over with him.  Too bad I didn't
     appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a
     lot from him.

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/10/2007 (S543b)
 "Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most
  is soap-on-a-rope."  -- Bill Cosby

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/13/2007 (S544b)
 Dad always said, "Never get pressured or rushed into any
 decision, especially a financial one, unless you sleep
 on it.  If you need to give an immediate answer, it's
 probably not the right thing to do anyway."  He said,
 "Never rush into hasty decisions.  Always think it over
 for at least 24 hours."  This has always proven to be
 true no matter what I apply it to.

Top
Subj:     When God Made Fathers (S125, DU)
          Author: Erma Bombeck
          From: smiles on 6/20/99

 When the good Lord was creating Fathers, he started with
 a tall frame.

 A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a Father is that?
 If you're going to make children so close to the ground,
 why have you put the Father up so high?  He won't be able
 to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed
 without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

 God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size,
 who would children have to look up to?"

 And when God made a Father's hands, they were large.  The
 angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage
 diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or
 even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

 Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large
 enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his
 pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

 Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do
 you realize you just made a Father without a lap?"  The
 angel chuckled.

 God said, "A Mother needs a lap.  A Father needs strong
 shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle,
 or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

 When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet
 any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself
 any longer.  "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those
 feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when
 the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without
 crushing one or two of the guests?"

 God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see.
 They will support a small child who wants to ride to
 Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or
 display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."  God
 worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words,
 but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything,
 but remain calm and tolerant.

 Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears.  Then
 he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he
 can love as much as a Mother can?"

 The angel said nothing more.

 HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

Top
Subj:     Man Through The Ages (S400)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/18/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Father's Day Funnies (S125)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/19/99

 Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day
 was.  "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's
 Day."

 ***********

 "If my son is getting half as much out of college as the
 college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."

 ***********

 Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were
 growing up.  I was always afraid they were going to give
 me a present that I couldn't afford.

 ***********

 I've got 3 TVs, cable, ? a satellite dish; I have 3 phone
 lines in the house, a cell phone ? one in the car, plus a
 pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax.  I subscribe
 to two daily papers ? one weekly one. I watch both the
 local ? network news every evening.  And my kids have the
 nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

 ***********

 With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity
 the poor kids.  Most of them know what to buy for Father's
 Day -- they just don't know which "Father" to give it to.

 ***********

 Neither of my kids ever understood my logic.  Both of them
 failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

 ***********

 A friend of mine had 5 kids.  When the youngest finally
 turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend
 posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time
 is 18".

Top
Subj:     Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say (S125)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/18/99

              (A Father's Day Classic)

 10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost!  Looks like we'll
     have to stop and ask for directions.

  9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
     ready for unchaperoned car dates.  Won't that be fun?

  8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
     attitude ... I like that.

  7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

  6. What do you mean you wanna play football?  Figure skating
     not good enough for you, son?

  5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ...
     you might want to consider throwing a party.

  4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car.  Probably
     one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes
     it run or something.  Just have it towed to a mechanic and
     pay whatever he asks.

  3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
     an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go
     to the mall.

  2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for?  I make plenty of
     money for you to spend.

  1. Father's Day?  aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no
     big deal.

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Subj:     Fresh Prince On Being A Father (S1015)
          From: Rick Carr on Facebook on 6/20/2016
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/djwhookid/videos/10153984891466773/
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.......Click 'HERE' to hear Will Smith discuss being a dad.
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Subj:     Big And Little Guy In Elevator (DU)

 A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a
 huge dude standing next to him.  The big  dude looks down
 upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
 Turner Brown."

 The small guy faints.

 The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to,
 slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
 "What's wrong with you?"

 The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

 The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
 Turner Brown."

 The small guy says, "Thank God!  I thought you said 'Turn
 around'."

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Subj:     The Watch (S383b)
          From: Anaise on 98-01-31

 A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with
 two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes
 up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?"

 Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around.  After
 glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s--"

 "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

 Jake brightens a little.  "Yeah, it's not bad.  Check this
 out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for
 every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
 He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
 says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas
 accent.  A few more buttons and the same voice says something
 in Japanese.  Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for
 each city".

 The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and
 the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible,
 without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that
 could fit on a watch.  The stranger is struck dumb with
 admiration.

 "That's not all", says Jake.  He pushes a few more buttons - it
 has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map
 of New York City appears on the display.  "If we were outside",
 Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by
 satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is
 remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area.
 View recede ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes
 to show eastern New York state.

 "It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods
 enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet -
 most of the functions are still button-activated."

 "I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger.

 "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out
 the bugs", says the inventor.  "But look at this:", and he
 proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very
 creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a
 sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as
 well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes,
 a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all
 to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings
 of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
 favourites in there so far" says Jake.

 He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein,
 and although the stranger has never heard of either he can
 still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the
 normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

 "I've got to have that watch!", he says.

 "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"

 "I'll give you $1000 for it!"

 "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

 "I'll give you $5000 for it!"

 "But it's just not -"

 "I'll give you $15 000 for it!"  And the stranger pulls out a
 checkbook.  "I've just *got* to have that watch!"

 "But...".  Jake stops to think.  He's only put about $8500
 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make
 another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another
 half a year.  "$15,000?"

 The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves
 it in front of him.  "Here it is, ready to hand to you right
 here and now."

 Jake abruptly makes his decision.  "Ok", he says, and peels
 off the watch.  They make the exchange, the check for the watch,
 and the stranger starts happily away.

 "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
 around warily.  Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been
 trying to wrestle through the bus station.  "Don't you want the
 batteries?"

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Subj:     The Ancient Code Of Bachelors (S501c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/23/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Subj:     Three Guys In A Haren (S26, DU)
          From: sking on 97-07-18

 Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came
 upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.  They started
 getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik
 came in. "I am the master of all these women.  No one else
 can touch them except me.  You three men must pay for what
 you have done today.  You will each die and in a way
 corresponding to your profession."

 The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does
 for a living.  "I'm a cop", says the first man.  "Alright,
 shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.

 He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did
 for a living.  "I'm a firemen", said the second man.  "Alright,
 burn his penis off!", said the sheik.

 Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for
 a living?"

 And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face,
 "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Subj:     Frugal Man (S494)

 A frugal man who never bought a frivolous gift, Uncle John
 gave Aunt Mary a cementery plot for their 25th wedding
 anniversary.  Knowing how "thrifty" her husband was, she
 was content with the present.

 Just before their next anniversary they had a big argument
 and didn't speak for several days.  On the big day, Uncle
 John came home from work and Aunt Mary, in a conciliatory
 mood, teased, "John, darlin', do you know what day this is?"

 "Yeap," he grumbled, still angry.

 "Well, did you get me anything?" asked Aunt Mary.

 "Nope," he growled. "You never did use what I gave you last year!"

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Subj:     Wild Party In Vermont (S27, S808)
          From: TheBartend on 97-07-15
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2004

 Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
 finally sick of the stress.  He quits his job and buys 50
 acres of land in Vermont to be as far from humanity as
 possible.  Sam sees the postman once a week, and gets
 groceries once a month.  Otherwise, it's total peace and
 quiet.  After 6 months or so of almost total isolation,
 he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his
 door.  He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
 standing there.

 "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the
 ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like
 to come."

 "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to
 meet some local folks. Thank you."

 As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's
 gonna be some drinkin'."

 "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business,
 I can drink with the best of 'em."

 Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely
 gonna be some fightin' too."

 Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with
 people. I'll be there.  Thanks again."

 Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild
 sex at these parties, too."

 "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been
 alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the
 way, what should I wear?"

 Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you
 want, just gonna be the two of us."

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Subj:     Popsicle Stick Riddle (S815)
          From: Unilever
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
 Source: www.Popsicle.com
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........Click "HERE" to see all 22 Popsicle riddles.
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                           -(o o)-
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..............................From Smiley_Central.
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