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Subj: Men2 - Tests and Silly Stuff
          (Includes 18 jokes and articles, 15983n,5,cf,wXT2,3)

Man w/Cigar from
AGAG Animation Gallery
Includes the following:  Hagar Comic Strip (S976)
.........................Men In Coats - Video (S516)
.........................Fake Friends Vs Real Friends (S614b)
.........................The Difference Between Men And Guys (S342b, S539)
.........................Men - 2 Year Degree (Seperate file)
.........................The Must Have Father's Day Gift - Video (S646)
.........................Rate Yourself w/Women (S295b, S551c)
........................."The Men's Code" (S293)
.........................Male Chain Letter (S183)
.........................Because I'm A Man (S106)
.........................Rogue Male Test (S39, S842)
.........................Men At Work Sign (S481c)
.........................Are You A Real Guy? - Quiz (S15, S592)
.........................Ideal Man Quiz!
.........................A Man Doesn't Say... (S345)
.........................Commonly Asked Questions About Men...
............................And Their Answers
.........................Male-to-English Dictionary (S107)
.........................Why Men Use Post-its (S534b)

The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2 and 3 file contains tests and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners, short jokes, and question-answers.
============================================================Top
Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S976)
          by Dik & Chris Browne on 7/31/2011
 Source: http://comicskingdom.com/ecards/new?comic_id=2259110
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Top
Subj:     Men In Coats (S516d)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2006
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRhuy7AECMQ
Drawing from
www.menincoats.co.uk

 This stage show is a comedy duo that is kind of hard to
 explain so just know it is funny, watch it and enjoy.
 You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Fake Friends Vs Real Friends (S614b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/15/2008

 FAKE FRIENDS VS REAL FRIENDS
    Which are you?
 

 FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
 REAL FRIENDS: is the reason you have no food.

 FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr / Mrs
 REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

 FAKE FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what
    you did was wrong
 REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you saying
    'Dawg ... we screwed up... but that was fun!'

 FAKE FRIENDS: never seen you cry
 REAL FRIENDS: cry with you

 Fake FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days
    then give it back
 REAL FRIENDS: keep your stuff so long
    they forget it's yours

 FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you
 REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about
    you with direct quotes from you

 FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if
    that is what the crowd is doing
 REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds
    butt that left you

 FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
 REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

 FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile
 REAL FRIENDS: Are for life

 FAKE FRIENDS: will talk bad to the
    person who talks bad about you.
 REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person
    out that talked bad about you

 FAKE FRIENDS: Would ignore this
 REAL FRIENDS: Will send this to all their real friends
    and hope to get it back!

Top
Subj:     The Difference Between Men And Guys (S342b, S539)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/3/2003 and 4/25/2007

 Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
 Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
 Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
 Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
 Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons,
      and shoes with laces.
 Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned
      since high school.
 Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
 Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
 Men: balance their checkbooks.
 Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the
      same buddy twice in a row.
 Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors,
      driving, and paying for dinner.
 Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors,
      drive, and pay for dinner.
 Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
 Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
 Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
 Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
 Men: start their own businesses.
 Guys: quit their jobs.
 Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
 Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.
 Men: order wine based on more than the price.
 Guys: bring their own beer.

Top
Subj:     The Must Have Father's Day Gift (S646d)
          From: gattica30 on 6/8/2009
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/8k5VAEBizYY

 (See 'Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy' in Police-Supp)

 Click 'HERE' to see a video about the perfect
 Father's Day gift, a gas powered la-z-boy.

Top
Subj:     Rate Yourself w/Women (S295b, S551c)
          From: Puneet385 on 9/27/2002
      and From: ginafm on 8/8/2007

 Men! Everything you wanted to know about being a good mate!
 In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
 woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do
 something she dislikes and points are subtracted.  You don't
 get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry, that
 is the way the game is played.  Here is a guide to the point
 system.

 Simple Duties:
 You make the bed...........................................+1
 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..0
 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets................-1

 You leave the toilet seat up...............................-5
 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...........0
 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
 When the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom..-2

 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
 At midnight................................................+8
 In the snow...............................................+12
 But return with beer.......................................-5
 An hour later.............................................-15

 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...........0
 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something........+5
 You pummel it with a six iron.............................+10
 It's her pet..............................................-10

 Social Engagements:
 You stay by her side the entire party...............0
 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
    a college drinking buddy................................-2
 Named Tiffany..............................................-4
 Tiffany is a dancer .......................................-6
 Tiffany has implants.......................................-8

 Her Birthday:
 You take her out to dinner..................................0
 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
 Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
 And it's all-you-can-eat night ............................-3
 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
    is painted the colors of your favorite team............-10

 A Night Out With The Boys:
 Go out with a pal..........................................-5
 The pal is not happily married.............................-4
 Or frighteningly single....................................-7
 And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).............-15

 A Night Out:
 You take her to a movie....................................+2
 You take her to a movie she likes .........................+4
 You take her to a movie you hate...........................+6
 You take her to a movie you like...........................-2
 It's called Death Cop 3....................................-3
 Which features cyborgs that eat humans ....................-9
 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

 Physique:
 You develop a noticeable potbelly.........................-15
 You develop a noticeable potbelly and
    exercise to get rid of it..............................+10
 You develop a noticeable potbelly and
    resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-30
 You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too"............-800

 The Big Question:
 She asks, "Do I look fat?".
 You hesitate in responding................................-10
 You reply, "Where?".......................................-35
 Any other response........................................-20

 Communication:
 When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
    displaying what looks like a concerned expression........0
 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
 You listen for more than 30 minutes without
    looking at the TV.....................................+100
 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep........-200

 -------------------------

 It all makes sense now!
 I never looked at it this way before:

 MEN tal illness
 MEN strual cramps
 MEN tal breakdown
 MEN opause
 GUY necologist.............
 and when we have real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.

 Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

 ---------------------------

 SOURCE:  www.c-boom.com (women empowerment website)
 I don't know what i was doing here, but whatever.

Top
Subj:     "The Men's Code" (S293)
          From: RFSlick on 9/11/2002

  1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you
     move is beer.

  2. Never hesitate to reach for either the last beer or
     the last slice of pizza -- but not both.  That's just
     plain mean.

  3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
     refrigerator is forbidden.  You may gripe if the
     temperature is unsuitable, however.

  4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
     be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

  5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
     treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
     the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

  6. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family,
     you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

  7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
     another guy who's running late is 5 minutes.  For a
     woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
     point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

  8. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe
     your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal
     duty.  Should you get carried away with your good
     deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
     is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
     party.

  9. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask
     his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

 10. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you
     didn't see nothin'.

 11. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
     you may always ask the score of the game in progress,
     but you may never ask who's playing.

 12. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
     when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's
     delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

 13. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed
     woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 14. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better
     be referring to his beer.

 15. Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy,
     except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

 16. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on
     equal footing; either both urinating or both waiting in
     line.  In all other situations, a nod is all the
     conversation you need.

Top
Subj:     Male Chain Letter (S183)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00

 PLEASE READ!!!! THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!

 This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
 tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this
 one does not cost anything.  Just send a copy of this letter
 to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

 Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend (or both) and send her
 to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, then add
 your name to the bottom.  Within 30 days, you will receive
 15,625 women.  One of them is bound to be better than the one
 you have.  At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had
 already received 186 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

 REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One day a man forwarded this
 letter and the next day he received the Hooter of the Year.
 An unmarried New Jersey man was able to choose between a
 massage therapist and a nymphomaniac caddy.  You can be lucky,
 too, but don't break the chain.  One man broke the chain and
 got his ex-wife back!!!!!.

Top
Subj:     Because I'm A Man (S106)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-06

 Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control
 in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced,
 I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was
 able to survive by holding a calculator.

 Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
 fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
 that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
 set in.  Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will
 pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
 looking at.  If another guy shows up, one of us will say to
 the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
 with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
 to start."  We will then drink beer.

 Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
 me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You
 never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

 Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
 groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be
 expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu."  For all
 I know these are the same thing.

 Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I
 will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
 will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets
 here and has to put it back together.

 Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all THAT lost, and no,
 I don't think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you
 listen to a complete stranger - how in the world could HE
 know where we're going?

 Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
 thinking about.  The answer is always either sex or football,
 though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

 Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
 your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
 think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got
 her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it.  Did you
 remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

 Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer
 and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say
 it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes
 and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another.  I will
 find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to
 tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why
 you threw all my clothes into the front yard.  Like, what's
 the connection?

 Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
 movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I
 didn't.

 Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when
 Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I
 have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
 picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or
 how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits
 his grave.  Please do not behave as if you do not find
 this fascinating.

 Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I
 thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
 too.  Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
 without it looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look
 fine.  Can we just go now?

 Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I
 will share equally in the housework.  You do the laundry,
 the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.   I'll do the
 rest.

Top
Subj:     Rogue Male Test (S39, S842)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #229 on 97-10-22
      and From: pns on 4/8/2003

 ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON, ROGUE MALE OR A
 DELIVERY BOY OF THE NEW MALE ORDER?  ARE YOU A MAN OR
 A LOUSE?  FIND OUT BELOW.

 1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy.." in your ear.
    She is obviously:
    a) Short sighted.
    b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through
       meaningless sexual gratification.
    c) Begging for it.
    d) A recording.

 2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be
    referred to as:
    a) Sex.
    b) Fucking.
    c) Enclosure.
    d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

 3. You should make love to a woman for the first time
    only after you've both shared:
    a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual
       relationship.
    b) Your Blood-test results.
    c) A cab.
    d) Five tequila slammers.

 4. You time your orgasm so that:
    a) Your partner climaxes first.
    b) You both climax simultaneously.
    c) The director can set up for a close-up.
    d) You don't miss Sports-night.

 5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    a) Strictly for cats.
    b) Healthy, creative love-play.
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would
       agree to.
    d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need
       ever find out about.

 6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just
    had sex with is:
    a) The best part of the experience.
    b) The second best part of the experience.
    c) A loathsome chore.
    d) $100 extra.

 7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight
    in the last month.  You tell her that it is:
    a) No concern of yours.
    b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
    c) No problem - she can join your gym.
    d) A conservative estimate.

 8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
    a) An ideal to which you aspire.
    b) A myth.
    c) An oxymoron.
    d) A moron.

 9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
    a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is
       the happiest day of my life..."
    b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung
       for a sheep as a lamb..."
    c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
    d) Take her phone number and tell her
       you'll get back to her.

 10. A prostitute is:
    a) A victim of male dominated society and
       social oppression.
    b) Someone who provides an essential service.
    c) A cheap date.
    d) A valued employee.

 11. A wife is:
    a) A victim of male dominated society and
       social oppression.
    b) Someone who provides an essential service.
    c) A cheap date.
    d) A valued employee.

 12. Masturbation is:
    a) Sex with someone you love.
    b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
    c) A team sport.
    d) A cheap date.

 13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
    a) When she drops her nail file.
    b) When she goes the color of Man Utd's home strip
       (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
    c) When the Earth moves.
    d) Who cares?

 14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
    a) Call her.
    b) Call your lawyer.
    c) Call your doctor.
    d) Call your wife.

 15. Which of the following lines best fits into your
     ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
    a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
    b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
    c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
    d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

 16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes
     to $300.  Do you expect:
    a) An overdraft.
    b) A blow job.
    c) Her to pay next time.
    d) A thank-you letter.

 17. You call your penis:
    a) John Thomas.
    b) Terry-Thomas.
    c) Massive.
    d) On its birthday.

 18. Foreplay is to sex as:
    a) Priming is to painting.
    b) Appetizer is to entree.
    c) Trailer is to feature.
    d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

 19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
    a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
    b) Free Mike Tyson.
    c) Free Willy.
    d) Free condom with this survey.

 20. During sex you:
    a) Haggle.
    b) Talk dirty.
    c) Talk of love.
    d) Talk on the phone.

 21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid
     sex scandal. You are:
    a) Outraged.
    b) Implicated.
    c) Jealous.
    d) A Labour voter anyway.

 22. A woman who consents to having sex with you
     when she is drunk is:
    a) Easier.
    b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
    c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
    d) A tricky defense in court.

 23. Which of the following are you most likely to find
     yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    a) "I hope we can still be friends."
    b) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you."
    c) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message
       after the tone...."
    d) "Keep the change."

 24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
    a) Before you go out.
    b) Before you pass out.
    c) As a party trick.
    d) Never.

 25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis
     in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
    a) Talk through her anger.
    b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
    c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
    d) Ask her to put down the knife.

 26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
    b) Probably needs a little more time before she
       can cope with that sort of intimacy.
    c) May need glasses.
    d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
       first place.

Top
Subj:     Men At Work Sign (S481c)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles20060410 on 4/10/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     Are You A Real Guy? - Quiz (S15, S592)
          From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003

   Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
                        ( by Dave Berry )

 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the
    Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.  As
    a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you
    with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that
    is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
    supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,
    and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all
    over the entire Earth.  You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.

 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful
    life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence.   b. Idealism.   c. Cherry bombs.

 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
      without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
      this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let
      him know that, for business reasons, you have to
      have him killed.

 4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has
      a fatal disease.
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And
      even in this case, you should repeatedly shout:
      "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
      trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a
      teammate hits a home run to win the World Series,
      you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally
      within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing
      protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally
      with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
      disease and cancer.

 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   a. A cat.   b. A dog.   c. A dog that eats cats.

 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She's
    attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being
    with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of
    you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football
    game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out
    of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
    really loves you, but she can no longer bear the
    uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
    going.  She says she's not asking whether you want to
    get married; only whether you believe that you have
    some kind of future together.  What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
      future, but you don't want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
      you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
      soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't
      want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   c. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw
      play on third and seventeen.

 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman
    and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-
    sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the
    tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
    that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do
    you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her
      after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you
      say her name, and when she turns to you, with the
      sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her
      eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?

 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
    asks you to get your three children ready for school.
    Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
   a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
      developed new holes so large that you're not sure
      which ones were originally intended for your legs.
   b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
      molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
   c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A
      real guy checks the garbage regularly in case some-
      body--and we are not naming names, but this would be
      his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
      which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
      to have a more intimate relationship with it than with
      her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
    for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the
    place for forty years before they finally got to the
    Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
       Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy.   b. Religion.   c. Remote control.

 How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you
 picked answer "c."  A real guy would score at least 10 on
 this test.  In fact, a real guy would score at least 15,
 because he would get he special five-point bonus for
 knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease
 and cancer.

Top
Subj:     Ideal Man Quiz!
          From: ipkis on 97-06-07

 See if you are the ideal man. How many of these statements
 do you say?

  1 - Yes dear, whatever you say dear.
  2 - Have you lost weight dear? You look so thin.
  3 - Yes dear, you're so right. I was wrong again.
      How could I have been so stupid?
  4 - That's okay, I don't have to watch the game.
  5 - Here you control the TV remote control.
  6 - Dear, you are more beautiful today, than you
      were the first time we met.
  7 - Your mother can stay as long as she wants.
  8 - Sweetie, can I run out and get you a gallon of ice cream?
  9 - Dear, you just lie down and relax.
      I'll wash your ass for you.
 10 - Honey bunch, let me cook dinner for you tonight.
 11 - That's not a wart, that's a beauty mark.
 12 - That's okay, I don't mind the feel of stubble on your legs.
 13 - Let me massage your feet while you watch
      your favorite TV show.
 14 - I'll be as quiet as a mouse when I get up for
      work in the morning, so I don't wake you.
 15 - I'll do the dishes and the laundry
      when I get home from work.
 16 - I've saved up some money, why don't you go out
     and buy yourself something?

 ARE YOU THE IDEAL MAN?
 How many would you say?
 0   --- You are your own man.
 1-3 --- You are your own man, but know which buttons to push.
 4-7 --- Your woman controls you.
 8-12 -- You never were your own man, you know it,
         she knows it, and the world knows it.
 13-16 - You are a woman's Ideal man. You are also
         a spineless wimp.

Top
Subj:     A Man Doesn't Say... (S345)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/1/2003

 10. Here honey, you use the remote.
  9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but
     her breasts are just too big.
  8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie
     I gotta see!
  7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned,
     will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes,
     I just want to be held.
  4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me
     pick out a pair of shoes?
  3. Aww, forget Monday night football,
     Let's watch Melrose Place.
  2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  1. We never talk anymore.

Top
Subj:  Commonly Asked Questions About Men...And Their Answers
       From Bawdy.Net Collage #186

 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why are men such jerks?

 It's a testosterone thing.  Much similar to your PMS thing,
 we men suffer from testosterone poisoning.  Why do you think
 the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter
 (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have
 to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.  We're just misunderstood.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

 Again, this is a testosterone thing.  Do you honestly think
 that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the
 moment we met you?  Besides, women do it as well.  Women are
 just much better at not getting caught.  I'm fairly certain
 it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
 quick look and memorize it for later reference.  Since men
 lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by
 staring as much as we can.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

 We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make
 him happy.  It's much like adjusting your bra.  Being in
 public is just an added bonus.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men always say such stupid things?

 We like to.  It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
 partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why are men so uncommunicative?

 You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
 you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men have to act like such retards?

 Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
 it.  It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that
 is missing in so much of the world nowadays.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why can't men just share their feelings?

 Do we look like women to you?  Why is it so hard to
 understand that men and women are different?  How are we
 supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how
 we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion
 like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we
 have no idea how we feel.

 Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
 out how I feel.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

 Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day?
 We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck
 (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end?
 We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave...
 Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for
 hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

 Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed
 by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods
 of time without getting tired.  In prehistoric times, it
 was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
 periods of time while hunting for prey.  The more
 successful hunters were able to sit very still for very
 extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability
 to their progeny.  The figgidy types were all gobbled up
 by saber toothed tigers, etcetera.  The end result is
 that almost all modern men are born with this innate
 ability.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why can't men just say "I love you?"

 Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-
 sufficient.  To say that we love you is equivalent to
 saying that we need you.  Most men consider that a
 character fault.  It's not easy to admit to one's own
 character faults.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

 Ho, Ho, Ho...  Aren't you special?  Well, some men
 think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants.
 Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 What does it mean when men say "I Love You?

 1 Please sleep with me.
 2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
 4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
 5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
 6 Stop nagging me.
 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

 We just simply don't have the energy to answer every
 single one of your questions.  If we think we do not
 have the answer, or that you will not like the answer,
 we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
 things.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

 Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
 Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 What's with all the belching and farting?

 This usually only occurs after months of courting.  It's
 our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you.
 Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection.
 Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
 us stomach cramps.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men hate shopping?

 It's an evolutionary thing.  Men hunt.  Women gather.  We
 just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back.  Who
 wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have
 no intention of killing? err...  Buying?
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

 Have you ever seen one of us pee?  The proper position of
 the toilet seat is up.  Mathematically speaking, the proper
 position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent
 peeing over the time spent sitting.  The closer that ratio
 approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's
 actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.  Why would we
 care if we pee all over the seat.  You're the ones that
 have to sit on it.  You should appreciate the fact that we
 actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

 Are you kidding?  Even leaving the physical aside, blonde
 bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with.
 They like having fun and doing exciting things.  They don't
 walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
 They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male;
 and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they
 don't get).  What more could any of us males ask for?
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men act like they own the remote control?

 What do you mean act?  We do; possession is nine tenths of
 the law.  Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to
 be entrusted to just anyone.  I believe the only fair way
 to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle
 for it.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

 Are you kidding?  What if there is something good on the
 next channel?  We could miss it if we stay on one channel for
 too long. (See also:  Why do men fear commitment?)
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men fear commitment?

 Don't be so surprised.  Yes; most of us do know what
 "commitment" means and can spell it correctly.  It's like
 an automobile.  No matter how good you think this year's
 model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
 better, sleeker, and sexier models.  We simply cannot be
 expected to purchase the first one we see.  We must browse
 around a bit and test drive a few.  Who wants to end up
 with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance
 of it eventually becoming a classic.  It simply makes much
 more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I
 mean newer models every couple of years.  Some of them come
 with fun extras like dual air bags.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a
 relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

 It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not
 enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

 Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is
 physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be
 thick enough to provide adequate protection.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Do all men really masturbate?

 Yes.  It is genetically inherited behavior.  It's been
 passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be
 passed on to our sons.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

 Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity,
 nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really
 masturbate?)
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial
 coordinate motor coordination?

 It is like with all things.  Practice... Practice...
 Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

 As opposed to what?  Really ugly women? Face it, if men
 were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as
 much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly
 women.  No matter how you set this up, some people are
 always going to be left out.  I don't see anyone screaming
 about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Top
Subj:     Male-to-English Dictionary (S107)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-10 plus others

 (See 'Woman's Dictionary' in WOMEN3

 WHAT MEN MEAN.....

 Male        =        English

 Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass
 I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
 I need you" = My hand is tired
 I am different from all the other guys
    = I am not circumcised
 I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation
 You're the only girl I've ever cared about
    = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me
 I really want to get to know you better
    = So I can tell my friends about it
 It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots,
    and she'll have her legs around my head
 She's kinda cute
    = I want to have sex with her till I am blue
 I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me
 I miss you so much = I am so horny that my
    male-roommate is starting to look good
 Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood
 How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
    = Is my penis really that small
 I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you
 Do you love me? = I've done something stupid
    and you might find out
 Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid
    and you're going to find out sooner or later
 How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid
    and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now
 I have something to tell you = Get tested
 I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples
    torn off by wild dogs than see you again
 I've been thinking a lot
    = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
 I think we should just be friends = You're ugly
 I've learned a lot from you = Next
 I'm almost done = I'll be starting in a few minutes
 I'll get to it soon = (better do it yourself)
 A few seconds  = 30-90 minutes
 A few minutes = 2-4 hours
 A few hours = A few days
 I'm running to the store = I'll be at the bar if you need me
 I love you = I want to have sex with you
 Of *course* I love you = Go away, you're bothering me
 I'm sorry = Can we have sex now?
 I'll never do it again. = I promise I'm not sure what
    I did, but I REALLY hate these discussions
 Who, HER???? She's ugly! = I'd jump her in an instant
 You look great = You're wearing clothes, now let's go
 No, you're not fat at all = You're fat, but I wouldn't get
     any for WEEKS if I said that

Top
Subj:     Why Men Use Post-its (S534b)
          From: darrell94590 on 4/14/2007
.
 You can view this cute picture by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
.............................From Smiley_Central.
.
.