.
>>>
Subj:    Men3 - Silly Stuff About Men
               (Includes 16 jokes and articles, 08786,2,cf2,md,0)

Man Grilling from
Animation Factory
Including the following: Buying A Taser For Your Wife (S475b, S786)
.........................The Man Code (S416)
.........................Male Translations At A Bar (S233)
.........................What Men Really Mean - A Continuing Series (S44)
.........................110 Reasons It's Great Being A Guy: (S50, S595)
.........................Ten Things Men Know For Sure About WOMEN (S300)
.........................How To Be Happy With A Man (S483b)
.........................10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy
.........................A Man's "50 Rules For Women" (S74, S580)
.........................If Men Were to Re-Write the Rules (S511, S733)
.........................If Men TRULY ran the world... (S133)
.........................If Men Ruled the World
.........................Man, I'm Glad I'm A Man (599c)
.........................Cucumbers Are Better Than Men Because.. (S580)
.........................Men Are Like... (S114, S809)
.........................Male Birth Control Pill

The MEN1 file contains men jokes.
The MEN2 and 3 file contains tests and silly stuff.
The MEN4 file contains Quotes, one-liners, short jokes, and question-answers.
============================================================Top
Subj:     Buying A Taser For Your Wife (S475b, S786)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/16/2006
          From: AFine963 on 2/3/2012
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

 Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was
 submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
 Taser" for their anniversary.

 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop
 that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 22nd
 anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
 for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
 pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were
 suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
 on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
 safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

 Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
 the button. Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however,
 that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
 surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
 darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!
 Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
 spot is on the face of her microwave.

 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
 myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
 batteries,. right?!!!

 There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
 (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
 thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
 and blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping
 Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
 She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
 thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
 want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I
 wrong?

 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
 reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
 directions in one hand, taser in another.  The directions
 said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
 assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
 spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
 burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
 ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than
 three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
 about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
 Photo from Articlesbase.com

 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
 do my best.....

 I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
 cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master,"
 reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
 ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
 myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
 touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
 button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!

 I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side
 door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
 us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
 I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
 position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
 nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,  with my
 left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
 tingling in my legs.  The cat was standing over me making
 meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
 undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

 Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
 taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
 one-second burst when you zap yourself.  You will not let
 go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
 a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second
 burst would be considered conservative.

 SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
 (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
 point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
 up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses
 were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they up get
 there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
 still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up
 with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm
 still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
 reward for their safe return.

 Still in shock,
 Tommy

 Snoops.com states "This story about a protective husband
 trying out his wife's taser upon himself to ascertain its
 ability to take out a mugger first appeared on the Internet
 in July 2004.  For now its author is unknown to us, leaving
 the question of "But is it a true story?" up in the air."

                           \\\//
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Subj:     The Man Code (S416)
          From: JokesUncut on 1/11/2005

 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
 beer.

 Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
 refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
 is unsuitable.

 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
 as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game, and
 the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
 who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are
 required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
 scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

 No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
 another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday
 is strictly optional and slightly gay.

 Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
 buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
 you get carried away with your good deed and end up having
 sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it,
 even at your bachelor party.

 Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
 permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ---you didn't
 see nothin'.

 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you
 may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
 may never ask who's playing.

 It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
 you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a
 topless super model and it's free.

 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
 must remain sober enough to fight.

 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
 referring to his beer.

 Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
 footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In
 all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you
 need.

 If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
 you may not join him.- far too gay."

 "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Male Translations At A Bar (S233, DU)
          From: Jokes.com on 7/18/01

 "No, really, I'm OK to drive."
    --I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody
      see who I am going home with.

 "I'm not used to these darts."
    --I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool
      cue when I am this bombed.

 "You get this one, next round is on me."
    --We won't be here long enough to get another round.

 "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
    --Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar,
      but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

 "Lets get out of here."
    --I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that
      Harley guy's helmet.

 "Can I get a glass of white zinfindel?"
    --I'm gay.

 "Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
    --I am even willing to drink tequila if it means
      that I get to lick you.

 "I've had like 10 beers already."
    --I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

 "Who's got the next round?"
    --I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am
      an expert at diverting attention.

 "Excuse Me." (male to female)
    --I am going to grope you now.

 "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
    --I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks
      and have been avoiding him since football season.

 "What do you have on tap?"
    --What's cheap?

 "Can I just get a glass of water?"
    --It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago.
      Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here
      last night, so it's the least you can do for me.
 

                           \\\//
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Subj:     What Men Really Mean - A Continuing Series (S44, DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #264 on 97-12-01

 "I'm going fishing."
  Really means...
 "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by
  a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by
  in complete safety."

 "Let's take your car."
  Really means....
 "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely
  out of gas."

 "Woman driver."
  Really means....
 "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
  gestures and has a better driving record than me."

 "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
  Really means....
 "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
  gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

 "It's a guy thing."
  Really means....
 "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
  and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 "Can I help with dinner?"
  Really means....
 "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
  Really mean....
 Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's
 dog drooling.

 "Good idea."
  Really means....
 "It'll never work.  And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

 "Have you lost weight?"
  Really means....
 "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

 "My wife doesn't understand me."
  Really means....
 "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

 "It would take too long to explain."
  Really means....
 "I have no idea how it works."

 "I'm getting more exercise lately."
  Really means....
 "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 "I got a lot done."
  Really means....
 "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

 "We're going to be late."
  Really means....
 "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 "Hey, I've read all the classics."
  Really means....
 "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

 "You cook just like my mother used to."
  Really means....
 "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

 "I was listening to you.  It's just that I have things
  on my mind."
  Really means....
 "I was wondering if that red-head over there is
  wearing a bra."

 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
  Really means....
 "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 "That's interesting, dear."
  Really means....
 "Are you still talking?"

 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
  Really means....
 "I forgot our anniversary again."

 "You expect too much of me."
  Really means....
 "You want me to stay awake."

 "It's a really good movie."
  Really means....
 "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

 "That's women's work."
  Really means....
 "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

 "Go ask your mother."
  Really means....
 "I am incapable of making a decision."

 "You know how bad my memory is."
  Really means....
 "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the
  first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification
  Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
  Really means....
 "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 "Football is a man's game."
  Really means....
 "Women are generally too smart to play it."

 "Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
  Really means....
 "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
  before I admit I'm hurt."

 "I do help around the house."
  Really means....
 "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

 "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
  Really means....
 "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 "I can't find it."
  Really means....
 "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
  completely clueless."

 "What did I do this time?"
  Really means....
 "What did you catch me at?"

 "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
  Really means....
 "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

 "She's one of those rabid feminists."
  Really means....
 "She refused to make my coffee."

 "But I hate to go shopping."
  Really means....
 "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room
  holding your purse."

 "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
  Really means....
 "You may actually get it to start."

 "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
  Really means....
 "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor
  with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
  companions."

 "I heard you."
  Really means....
 "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
  hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
  that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 "You know I could never love anyone else."
  Really means....
 "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
  could be worse."

 "You look terrific."
  Really means....
 "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm
  starving."

 "I brought you a present."
  Really means....
 "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

 "I missed you."
  Really means....
 "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
  and we are out of toilet paper."

 "I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are."
  Really means....
 "No one will ever see us alive again."

 "We share the housework."
  Really means....
 "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 "This relationship is getting too serious."
  Really means....
 "I like you more than my truck."

 "I recycle."
  Really means....
 "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

 "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
  Really means....
 "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

 "It sure snowed last night."
  Really means....
 "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

 "It's good beer."
  Really means....
 "It was on sale."

 "I don't need to read the instructions."
  Really means....
 "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

 "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
  Really means....
 "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

 "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
  Really means....
 "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

 "I broke up with her."
  Really means....
 "She dumped me."

 "Will you marry me?"
  Really means....
 "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer,
  and there is no more peanut butter."

                           \\\//
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Subj:     110 Reasons It's Great Being A Guy: (S50, S595)
          From: Octagon999 on 98-01-11
      and From: HuntMcmahunt on 5/26/2003
          (See 'Why It's Better To Be A Woman' in WOMEN-SUPP)

   1. Three words: Monday Night Football
   2. You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.
   3. You know stuff about tanks.
   4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
   5. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
   6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
   7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
   8. You can open all your own jars.
   9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost
      or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to
      stall at every  shot of somebody crying.
  12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to
      the opposite sex.
  15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you
      (unless you smash 'em into the boards..
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
      everywhere you go.
  17. Movie nudity is always female.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to
      panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
      thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean a toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something,
      he or she can still be your friend.
  32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
  34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt
      every night.
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  40. Everything on your face gets to stay its
      original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president. (In this lifetime..
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
      passenger's seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other
      people's feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!")
      and not worry about what people will think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk
      into a room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
      reader's coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from
      getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your
      new haircut.
  59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours
      without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean
      your lover's about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without
      starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive on to another gas station
      because this one's just too skeevy.
  67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter
      what you're wearing.
  69. Same work...more pay!
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to
      make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
  73. You don't care if someone's talking
      about you behind you back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double
      the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least
      in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest
      when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to
      bring a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with
      your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper
      imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up"
      to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,
      he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with
      the handy phrase "Screw it."
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same
      outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
      expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because
      you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it
      with a hammer or throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays
      and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude
      having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
      "So...notice anything different?"
  99. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
      relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
 100. There's always a game on somewhere.

From: agrief on 10/12/00
 101. You are not expected to know the names
      of more than five colors.
 102. You don't have to stop and think of
      which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
 103. You never have strap problems in public.
 104. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
 105. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
 106. You don't have to shave below your neck.
 107. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
 108. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,
      all seasons.
 109. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife or
      your teeth.
 110. You have freedom of choice concerning
      growing mustache.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Ten Things Men Know For Sure About WOMEN (S300, DU)
          From: pns on 10/31/2002

  1.

  2.

  3.

  4.

  5.

  6.

  7.

  8.

  9.

 10. They have breasts.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     How To Be Happy With A Man (S483b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 4/21/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19961014
 

                           \\\//
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Subj:     10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy (DU)

  1. You have to take out the garbage.
  2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
  3. No sofas in your restrooms.
  4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
  5. Even if you get your head caught in an
     industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
  6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
  7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
  8. You have to wear ties.
  9. You can't flirt you way out of a jam.
 10. "Women and children first."

 The "Reasons It's Great To Be a Guy!" is straight from
 Maxim's latest issue. My buddy Glen screwed me up on that
 one.  Can't blame him, though.  Whatever brain cells we
 didn't burn out in college, he's blowing away raising kids.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     A Man's "50 Rules For Women" (S74, S580)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #257 on 98-06-29
      and From: hellgunner50 on 8/16/2003

 (In response to the popular A Woman's "50 Rules for Men"
 Similar to "Things Guys Wish Women Knew..." taken from MAXIM
 magazine (the cover of the mag reads "Sex, sports, beer,
 gadgets, clothes, fitness......". Hmm...I think they've
 covered everything, don't you?)::

 Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

 Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

 Don't cut your hair. Ever.

 Don't make us guess.

 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

 He's never thinking about "The Relationship".

 Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different,
    it's just like every other cat.

 Dogs are better than cats.

 Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or
    the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

 Anything you wear is fine. Really.

 You have enough clothes.

 You have too many shoes.

 Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't
    expect us to like it.

 Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot
    and your Dad probably is too.

 Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

 No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will.
    Mark anniversaries.

 Share the bathroom.

 Share the closet.

 "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
    See a doctor.

 Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

 Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

 Check your oil.

 Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

 It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

 Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
    argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.

 If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
    the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women,
    how can we know how pretty you are?

 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

 You can either ask us to do something OR
    tell us how you want it done - not both.

 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
    during commercials.

 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

 Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
    right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
    off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is strictly
    not necessary.

 Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     If Men Were To Re-Write The Rules: (S511, S733)
          From: RFSlick on 98-02-12
      and From: tom on 1/29/2011

 Rule # 1
    Men are NOT mind readers.
    (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

 Rule # 2
    Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 Rule # 3
    Sunday sports.
    It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

 Rule # 4
    Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 Rule # 5
    Crying is blackmail.

 Rule # 6
    Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

 Rule # 7
    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
    to almost every question.

 Rule # 8
    Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 Rule # 9
    A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
    See a doctor.

 Rule # 10
    Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
       in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 Rule # 11
    If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 Rule # 12
    If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways,
    and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
    we meant the other way.

 Rule # 13
    You can either ask us to do something,
    or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 Rule # 14
    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
       during commercials or time-outs.

 Rule # 15
    Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and
       neither do we.

 Rule # 16
    If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

 Rule # 17
    If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
    we will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying,
    but it is just not worth the hassle,
    besides we know you will bring it up again later.

 Rule # 18
    When we have to go somewhere,
    absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

 Rule # 19
    It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us
       take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

 Rule # 20
    Let us ogle.
    If we don't look at other women,
    how can we know how pretty you are?

 Rule # 21
    Don't rub the lamp,
    if you don't want the genie to come out.

 Rule # 22
    Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
       right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

 Rule # 23
    When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
       off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

 Rule # 24
    If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

 Rule # 25
    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 Rule # 26
    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
    Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

 Rule # 27
    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
       to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
       or golf.

 Rule # 28
  Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     If Men TRULY ran the world... (S133, DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #311 on 8/13/99

  1. Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass
     and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would
     pretty much do it.
  2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
     would only occur in leap years.
  4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
     day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
  5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
     But it would be celebrated every month.
  6. Garbage would take itself out.
  7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
     and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most
     lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be
     "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
  9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
 11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".
 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
     you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As
     in:  Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"  You:
     "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
     place."  Cop :"Nice one, that's $10.00 off".
 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
 15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail
     Free cards per year.
 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
 17. The victors in any athletic competition would get
     to kill and eat the losers.
 18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
     as long as you returned it the following day with
     a full tank of gas.
 19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you
     could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand
     that said "You're #1!".
 20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
     during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
     corner of the screen during a time-out.
 21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as
     an acceptable response to "I love you".
 22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
 23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would
     be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
 24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you
     would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of
     a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards

                           \\\//
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Subj:     If Men Ruled the World
          From: pns on 2/10/2001

 If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of
 Maxim magazine)

 26. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
     forward your call to her real number.
 27. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
     acceptable response to "I love you."
 28. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
     people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
 29. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
     the NFL team of your choice.
 30. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
     put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
 31. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
     violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

 32. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
     advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
 33. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
 34. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Man, I'm Glad I'm A Man (S599c)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #210 on 97-09-28

 I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
 I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
 I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
 I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
 I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
 and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
 I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
 I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
 and I don't go around checking my reflection
 in everything shiny from every direction.
 I don't whine in public and make us leave early
 and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

 I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
 I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
 I don't carry our differences into the sack.
 I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
 or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
 I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
 I know what the time is and I know what to do.

 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two balls and stand when I pee
 I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
 It's more fun than dealing with women after all
 I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
 I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
 Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
 I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
 I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
 I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
 I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
 I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Cucumbers Are Better Than Men Because.. (S580c)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
 Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
 A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
 Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
 A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
 Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
 You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket, and
    you know how firm it is before you take it home.
 Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
 With a cucumber you can get a single room and
    you won't have to check in as ' Mrs. Cucumber'.
 A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
 You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
 At a drive-in you can stay in the front seat.
 A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
 A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
 A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
 A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
 Cucumbers don't care whether or not you're a virgin.
 Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
 Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
 With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
 Cucumbers won't write your name ? number on men's room wall.
 Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
 Cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? Did you come too?
    How many times?
 Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski
    instructor or hair dresser.
 Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate
    about your next one.
 A cucumber will never make a scene because there are
    other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
 A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when
    your mother comes over.
 No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
 Cucumbers can handle rejection.
 A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
 A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
 A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
 A cucumber won't give it up for lent.
 With a cucumber you never have to say your sorry.
 Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep
    on your chest or drool on the pillow.
 A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
 Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to
    sleep in the wet spot.
 A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink.
 A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
 Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
 A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
 A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
 Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
 A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
 Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
 A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
 A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
 With a cucumber the toilet seat's always the way you left it.
 Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
 Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
 A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another
    woman or another cucumber.
 You will always know where your cucumber has been.
 A cucumber never has to call the wife.
 Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
 You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
 You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
 You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
 A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
 Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
 Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
 It's easy to drop a cucumber.
 A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a
    property settlement or seek custody of anything.
 Cucumbers don't play guitar and try to find themselves.
 You won't find out later that your cucumber
    . . .is married.
    . . .is on penicillin.
    . . .likes you -- but loves your brother.
 Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
 A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
 Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Men Are Like... (S114, S809)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
      and From: jtgalvan on 1/23/2006

  1. Men are like department stores....
     their clothes should always be half off.

  2. Men are like vacations....
     they never seem to be long enough.

  3. Men are like computers...
     hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

  4. Men are like coolers...
     load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

  5. Men are like chocolate bars....
     sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

  6. Men are like coffee....
     the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up
     all night long.

  7. Men are like horoscopes....
     they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

  8. Men are like plungers...
     they spend most of their lives in a hardware store
     or the bathroom.

  9. Men are like cement....
     after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

 10. Men like laxatives...
     they irritate the shit out of you.

From: RFSlick on 3/14/99
 11. Men are like placemats....
     they only show up when there's food on the table.

 12. Men are like mascara....
     they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 13. Men are like bike helmet....
     handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

 14. Men are like government bonds....
     they take so long to mature.

 15. Men are like parking spots....
     the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

 16. Men are like copiers....
     you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

 17. Men are like lava lamps....
     fun to look at, but not all that bright.

 18. Men are like bank accounts....
     without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

 19. Men are like high heels....
     they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 20. Men are like curling irons....
     they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

 21. Men are like mini skirts....
     if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

 22. Men are like bananas....
     the older they get, the less firm they are.

Subj:     Men Are Like... (S143)

 23. Men are like toilets...
     either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

 24. Men are like dog turds...
     the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

From: FrankRoesc on 10/28/1999 (S210)
 25. Men are like pantyhose....
     they either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

From: h2oman19 on 2/1/2001 (S210)
 26. Men are like bank machines....
     once they withdraw they lose interest.

 27. Men are like weather.
     Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

 28. Men are like blenders....
     you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 29. Men are like commercials....
     you can't believe a word they say.

 30. Men are like popcorn....
     they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 31. Men are like lawn mowers....
     if you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

 32. Men are like snowstorms.
     you never know when he's coming, how many inches
     you'll get, or how long he will last.

                           \\\//
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Subj:     Male Birth Control Pill
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997

 NEW!
 GUARANTEED MORNING AFTER
 BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR MEN!
 no prescription needed
 Take according to directions

 Take 2 tablets the morning after and be confident
 GUARANTEED
 A.M.
 FOR MEN ONLY
 100% EFFECTIVE
 DIRECTIONS ON BACK

 After a great evening
 take 2 A.M. morning after birth control pills
 100% effective!
 safe --
 DIRECTIONS: Adult -- two tablets within 12 hours after
    making love.
 CAUTION: Do not exceed recommened dosage. If rapid pulse,
    dizziness or palpitations of the heart occur in the
    presence of your sex partner, be sure you have a supply
    of A.M. near at hand.  It is advisable to always carry
    A.M. with you -- just in case you get lucky.
 WARNING: Keep out of the reach of women. A.M. male bith
    control pills are effective for males only.  Not intended
    for use as a contraceptive or for the prevention of
    disease. Not intended for use by females. A.M. is not
    effective in the prevention of female conception.
    When necessary, dissolve 2 tablets in an 8 oz. glass of
    water and use as a mouth wash.
    Each A.M. tablet contains dextrose, malto-dextrin, malic
    acid, magnesium stearate, artificial flavors, and
    artifical flavors, and artificial colors.
    MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!
    If any male becomes pregnant after using A.M. according
    to directions, P.M. Company will cheerfully refund the
    purchase price of this package.

                           \\\//
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...........................He-man Smiley from Smiley_Central.
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