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Subj:     Mothers Jokes
                 (Includes 39 jokes and articles, 13 1001n,9,cf,wYT3,4)

          Click "Here" for Mothers-Supp


Mom from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  Nothing Is Really Lost - Sign (S884 in Supp)
.........................The Irish Mother-In-Law (S1001 in Supp)
.........................Marc Mero - A Mother's Love... - Video (S938 in Supp)
........................."Mom, Where Did I Come From?" (S537 in Supp)
.........................Procter And Gamble's Moms Commercial (S946 in Supp)
.........................Mom and Dad (S136 in Supp)
.........................The Video EVERY Mom Must See! - Video (S904 in Supp)
.........................My Mother Taught Me (S106, S789 in Supp)
.........................A New Perspective For Moms - Video (S878 in Supp)
.........................The Mommy Test (S526b in Supp)
.........................Open Letter To Moms From Kid President - Vid (S853 - Supp)
.........................My Mom - Agent 008 (S484b in Supp)
.........................Extraordinary Mothers - Video (S711b in Supp)
.........................Our Drug Problem! (S512c in Supp)
.........................Mother's Words - Video (S560 in Supp)
.........................Mothers And Living Through Pain (S591b in Supp)
.........................A Mother's Day Poem (S590c in Supp)
.........................Momma Comic Strip II (S611 in Supp)
........................."Why My Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day" (S542 - Supp)
.........................Momma Comic Strip (S600 in Supp)
.........................Famous Mothers (S484c in Supp)
.........................Funny Mom-Isms (S485 in Supp)
.........................For All The Mothers (S118 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Army "Happy Mother's Day" - Photo (S953)
.........................Son Brings Home His Future Bride (S218, S751)
.........................Son Up Till Son Down - Sign (S803)
.........................Me Mudder - Poem (S440)
.........................Why Mom's Can't Do Yoga - Video (S458b)
.........................Mother's Maintenance Manual (S471b)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Husband Comes Home To A Mess (S270)
.........................Reynolds Cartoons (S953)
.........................When I'm a Little Old Lady (poem-S251b)
.........................Kids Talk About God And Their Mother (S339b)
.........................Quotes From "Famous" Mothers (S432)
.........................Somebody Said (S278)
.........................Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say (S275c)
.........................Motherhood (S275)
.........................Call Me 'Mother' (S232, S532b)
.........................Call Me 'Mother' II - Video (S681b)
.........................You Know You're A Mother When... (S240b)
.........................Mother's Dictionary (S219, S539b)
.........................Mean Moms (S214)
.........................I'll Never Understand My Wife (S174)
.........................What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day (S327)
.........................Mother's Day Joke (S172, S379b)
.........................Amazing Women
.........................A Woman's Random Thoughts
.........................Short Jokes About Mothers
..............................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip II (S904 in Supp)
..............................Murphy's Law For Moms (S877 in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S796 in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (S747 in Supp)
..............................Mother Squirrel Saves The Day (S666 in Supp)
..............................Herman Comic Strip (S621c in Supp)
..............................Mothers In All Colors (S612 in Supp)
..............................Invisible Mother (S578b in Supp)
..............................Mother in Law - PPS (S520b in Supp)
..............................Mother-Child Love (S487c in Supp)
..............................You Are Changing (S486b in Supp)
..............................
..............................It's Your Mother Sign (S474c, S640a)
..............................The History Of Mother's Day (S328b)
..............................Riding In Mother's Backpack (S275)
..............................Quotes About Mother... (S275c)

Also see BEARS file   - 'Wanna Be A Bear???'
......................- 'Three Bears Go To Court'
......................- 'Three Bears Come Down For Breakfast'
         DATING3 file - 'Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes'
......................- 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Women And Men'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
         ENGLSHMAN-SUP- 'Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding' - Video
.........GOD2 file    - 'When God Created Mothers'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Toast From County Cork'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Girl Asked Mom About White Hair'
         KIDS3 file   - 'Things I've Learned From My Children'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Little Things Are Cute'
         LETTERS1 file- 'A letter to Mom...'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife'
.........MARRIAGE4    - 'Poem For Mom And Dads'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         MEN1 file    - (look here for Father's Day articles)
         MIDDLE_EAST  - 'Two Arab Mothers Talk In Cafe'
         OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Hippo's New Mom'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'I Wish You Enough'
         PREACHER file- 'Sermon Blooper'
         PREGNANT file- 'Baby Sues Over Pregnancy'
         STORIES file - 'Did You Do Anything Today?'
         TEAR JERKER1 - 'The Other Woman'
......................- 'Flowers For Mom'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'Why Women Are Crabby'
         YoMama file  -  (see whole file)

===========================================================Top
Subj:     Army "Happy Mother's Day" (S953)
          From: Laurie Ann Brown on Facebook
 Source: http://littlekarl.com/2014/05/11/happy-
.........mothers-day-to-all-army-moms-everywhere/
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Top
Subj:     Son Brings Home His Future Bride (S218, S751)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/30/2001

 A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in
 love and going to get married.  He says, "Just for fun,
 Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and
 guess which one I'm going to marry."

 The mother agrees.

 That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three
 beautiful young ladies.  They all sit down on the couch,
 and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting
 to know each other.

 At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother,
 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

 She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

 "That's amazing, Ma.  You're right.  How did you know?"

 "I don't like her."

Top
Subj:     Son Up Till Son Down - Sign (S803)
 Source: (Removed from ShopGrowNebraska.org)
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Top
Subj:     Me Mudder (S440)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005

 When me prayers were poorly said,
 Who tucked me in me widdle bed,
 And spanked me till me arse was red,

 Me Mudder!

 Who took me from me cozy cot
 And put me on the ice cold pot,
 And made me pee when I could not,

 Me Mudder!

 And when the morning light would come
 And in me crib me dribbled some,
 Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

 Me Mudder!

 Who would me hair so neatly part
 And hug me gently to her heart,
 Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

 Me Mudder!

 Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
 And nearly have a king-size fit,
 When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,

 Me Mudder!

 When at night her bed did squeak
 Me raised me head to have a peek,
 Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

 Me Fadder!
 
 

 I hope this keeps ya
 giggling all day.

Top
Subj:     Why Mom's Can't Do Yoga (S458b,d)
          From: Dickschu on 11/3/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/BnDBNW8kwwQ

 A mom tries to do a head stand while a baby needs
 attention.  Click 'HERE' to see this cute, one
 minute video.

Top
Subj:     Mother's Maintenance Manual (S471b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/23/2006

 Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our
 mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6
 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.
 Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we
 would know how to take care of them at least as well as
 we do our automobiles.

 Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

 Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable
 kinds you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone
 position at a single cry from a sleeping child.  But
 regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance.

 Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-
 sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live in
 baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

 Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly.
 Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and
 frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.

 Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should
 be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

 Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often
 and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking
 sound indicates a need for a rest.)

 Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left
 overs and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a
 nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

 Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly
 maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and
 provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup
 in spring and fall are also helpful. If you notice the
 chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of
 walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding.  These are
 most effective when done with fathers.

 Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments
 are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a
 mother purring contentedly.

 If these instructions are followed consistently, this
 fantastic creation and gift from God that we call MOTHER
 should last a lifetime and give good service and constant
 love to those who need her most.

Top
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm (DU)
          By Mike Peters on 3/26/2015
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
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Subj:     Husband Comes Home To A Mess (S270)
          From: thebartend on 4/2/2002

 One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem
 at home.  The kids were outside still in their pajamas
 playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes
 and wrappers all around.

 As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger
 mess.  Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the
 floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile
 of sand by the back door.  The family room was strewn
 with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had
 been knocked over.

 He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for
 his wife.  He was becoming worried that she may be ill,
 or that something had happened to her.

 He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas
 on, reading a book.

 She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
 He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
 today?"

 She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you
 come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

 "Yes, was his reply."

 She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Top
Subj:     Reynolds Cartoons (S953)
          Created by Dan Reynolds
          From: Becky Dobry on Facenook
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/105090256218554/photos/a.4533955913
.........88017.104626.105090256218554/521372284590347/?type=1?theater
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Top
Subj:     When I'm a Little Old Lady (S251b - poem)
          From: Cypriot on 11/23/2001

 I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.
 To repay all I've had, from each girl and each boy,
 I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
 Run in and out without closing the door.

 I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed.
 And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
 I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away
 The time to be spent doing chores every day.

 I'll pester my children when they are on the phone.
 As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
 Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer
 And never pick up what I drop on the floor.

 Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish.
 I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
 I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor.
 As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

 When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
 Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
 I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
 When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

 I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal
 Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
 Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor.
 I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

 What fun I shall have, and what joy it will be
 To Live with my children ... just how they lived with me!

Top
Subj:     Kids Talk About God And Their Mother (S339b, S675)
          From: Imogenelumen on 7/20/2003
      and From: ginafm on 12/24/2009
 Drawing from Ole Brown's Photos

 This is large enough that it needs it's own file.
 Click 'HERE' to read these cute comments.

Top
Subj:     Quotes From "Famous" Mothers (S432)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/6/2005

 ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
 "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a
 baseball cap like the other kids?"

 BARNEY'S MOTHER:
 "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
 you're starting to look a little purple!"

 MARY'S MOTHER:
 "I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary,
 but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

 BATMAN'S MOTHER:
 "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
 insurance will be!"

 GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
 "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family.
 You know anything about this Goldie?"

 LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
 "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet
 and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders
 around here!"

 ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
 "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something
 about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

 GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
 "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
 you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

 JONAH'S MOTHER:
 "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
 for the past 3 days!"

 SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
 "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided
 you can have your own telephone line.  Now will you quit
 spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

 THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
 "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
 dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Top
Subj:     Somebody Said (S278)
          by Renee Hawkley from her book
          "Don't Come In Here! Mom's Throwing Spaghetti!"
          From: mombear1 on 5/24/2002

 Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer...
 somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath.

 Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
 normal after you've had a baby...somebody doesn't know
 that once you're a mother, normal is history.

 Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses
 and changing diapers...somebody doesn't know that a
 child is much more than the shell he lives in.

 Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...
 somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

 Somebody said being a mother is boring...somebody never
 rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

 Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians
 know more about children than their mothers...somebody
 hasn't invested their heart in another human being.

 Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will
 "turn out" okay...somebody thinks a child is like a bag
 of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold
 and a guarantee.

 Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare
 time...somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother,
 you're a mother ALL the time.

 Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices...
 somebody never came out the back door just in time to
 see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the
 neighbor's kitchen window.

 Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
 mother...somebody never helped a fourth grader with
 his math.

 Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much
 as you love the first...somebody doesn't have five
 children.

 Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her
 child-rearing questions in the books...somebody never
 had a child stuff beans up his nose.

 Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is
 labor and delivery...somebody never watched their "baby"
 get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

 Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes
 closed and one hand tied behind her back...somebody
 never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

 Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child
 gets married...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds
 a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

 Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child
 leaves home...somebody never had grandchildren.

 Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate
 of life...somebody doesn't know what fills you up.

 Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't
 need to tell her...somebody isn't a mother.

Top
Subj:     Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say (S275c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002

 "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

 "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

 "Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."

 "Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."

 "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

 "Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

 "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more
  cheery."

 "Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"

 "Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

 "Aw, just turn these undies inside out.  No one will ever
  know."

 "I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."

 "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough
  for me."

 "Of course you should walk to school and back.  What's the
  big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

 "My meeting won't be over till later tonight.  You kids
 don't mind skipping dinner?"

Top
Subj:     Motherhood (S275)
          From: mombear1 on 5/7/2002

 Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become
 accountable for their own actions?  Is there a wonderful
 moment when parents can become detached spectators in
 the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life,"
 and feel nothing?

 When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor
 waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head.
 I asked, "When do you stop worrying?"  The nurse said,
 "When they get out of the accident stage."  My Mother just
 smiled faintly and said nothing.

 When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a
 classroom and heard how one of my children talked
 incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a
 career making license plates.  As if to read my mind, a
 teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage
 and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them."  My
 mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for
 the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door
 to open.  A friend said, "They're trying to find them-
 selves.  Don't worry in a few years, you can stop worrying.
 They'll be adults."  My mother just smiled faintly and
 said nothing.

 By the time I was 50, I was sick ? tired of being
 vulnerable.  I was still worrying over my children, but
 there was a new wrinkle--there was nothing I could do
 about it.  My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented
 by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
 My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop
 worrying and lead my own life.  I wanted to believe that,
 but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her
 occasional, "You look pale.  Are you all right?  Call me
 the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

 Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry?
 Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze
 the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown?
 Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the
 highest form of life?

 One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying
 to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and
 no one answered. I was worried!"  I smiled a warm smile.
 The torch has been passed.

Top
Subj:     Call Me 'Mother' (S232, S532b)
          From: spyda on 7/11/2001
      and From: LABLaughs on 4/2/2007

 A young man was walking through a supermarket when he
 noticed an old lady following him around.  He ignored her
 and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line,
 but she got in front of him.

 "Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made
 you uncomfortable.  It's just that you look like my son,
 who recently died."

 "I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
 that I can do for you?"

 "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
 Mother?'  It would make me feel so much better."

 "Sure," answered the young man.

 As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
 Mother!"

 When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
 his total was $127.50.  "How can that be?" he asked. "I
 only purchased a few things!"

 "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
 clerk.

Top
Subj:     Call Me 'Mother' II (S681b,d)
          From: YouTube.com on 2/2/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/nUBcXtIDXro

 A lonely young man meets a old lady in a supermarket
 checkout line.  Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.

Top
Subj:     You Know You're A Mother When... (S240b)
          From: mombear1 on 9/6/2001

 You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

 You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

 Your kid throws up and you catch it.

 Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

 You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of
 pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

 Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out
 loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

 You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your
 child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

 You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one
 your child eats.

 You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

 You hate the thought of his wife even more.

 You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches
 into cute shapes.

 You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

 You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when
 you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

 You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
 they're equal.

 You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

 You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't
 get that disease.

 You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your
 husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the
 kids.

 You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

 You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this
 job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

Top
Subj:     Mother's Dictionary (S219, S539b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/11/2001 and 5/10/2007

 Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
     labor to have sex again

 Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too

 Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going
     to let de children play outside

 Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins

 Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

 Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper
     distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

 Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
     the strained carrots

 Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him

 Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful
     even though they're sure you're not raising them right

 Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

 Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid

 Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they
     do everything we say

 Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time
     you scream it

 Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own

 Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms

 Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
     wearing dry shoes into it

 Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours

 Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling
     it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

 Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles
     so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
     anything

 Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not
     upset the children

 Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit
     into one bed

 Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
     jammies

 Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she
     begins to make those familiar grunting noises

 Verbal: able to whine in words

 Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out

 Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house

 Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"

Top
Subj:     Mean Moms (S214)
          From: ICohen on 3/7/2001

 Someday when my children are old enough to understand the
 logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:

 I loved you enough...to ask where you were going, with
 whom, and what time you would be home.

 I loved you enough...to insist that you save your money
 and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford
 to buy one for you.

 I loved you enough...to be silent and let you discover
 that your new best friend was a creep.

 I loved you enough...to make you go pay for the bubble
 gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this
 yesterday and want to pay for it."

 I loved you enough...to stand over you for two hours
 while you cleaned your room, a job that should have
 taken 15 minutes.

 I loved you enough...to let you see anger, disappointment,
 and tears in my eyes.  Children must learn that their
 parents aren't perfect.

 I loved you enough...to let you assume the responsibility
 for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh
 they almost broke my heart.

 But most of all, I loved you enough...to say NO when I
 knew you would hate me for it.  Those were the most
 difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because
 in the end you won, too.

 And someday when your children are old enough to under-
 stand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell
 them.... Was your Mom mean?  I know mine was.  We had the
 meanest mother in the whole world!   While other kids ate
 candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

 When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to
 eat sandwiches.  And you can guess our mother fixed us a
 dinner that was different from  what other kids had, too.
 Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
 You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

 She had to know who our friends were, and what we were
 doing with them.  She insisted that if we said we would
 be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
 We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to
 break the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

 We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook,
 vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all
 sorts of cruel jobs.  I think she would lie awake at
 night thinking of more things for us to do.  She always
 insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and
 nothing but the truth.

 By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds.
 Then, life was really tough!   Mother wouldn't let our
 friends just honk the horn when they drove up.  They had
 to come up to the door so she could meet them.  While
 everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had
 to wait until we were 16.

 Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things
 other kids experienced.  None of us have ever been caught
 shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested
 for any crime. It was all her fault.

 Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest
 adults.  We are doing our best to be mean parents just
 like Mom was.  I think that is what's wrong with the world
 today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms.

 PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOMS YOU KNOW.

Top
Subj:     I'll Never Understand My Wife (S174)
          From: Anaise on 5/27/00Drawing from MDE-Art.com

 This is large enough that it needs it's own file.
 Click 'HERE' to read these heartwarming comments.

Top
Subj:     What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day (S327)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003

 To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink
 a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash).

 To have her 14 year-old daughter answer a question without
 rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

 Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty pounds
 to her figure.

 A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with
 a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as she puts a razor to her ankle.

 A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.

 For her teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full
 scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

 A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys
 displayed at the checkout line.

 To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily
 secretions.

 To be able to step on a plane with their toddlers and
 NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me?!?"

 To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend. I mean
 is this too much to ask?

 To actually carry on a normal phone conversation with her
 toddler in the SAME room.

 To actually be able to finish a HOT cup of coffee while
 her kids are present. An impossible feat!

 To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming,
 "Mommy, I have to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water!

 Happy Mother's Day!

Top
Subj:     Mother's Day Joke (S172, S379b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/12/00

 A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.  For some reason
 the mother was unusually quiet.  Finally the husband asked what
 was wrong.

 "Nothing," said the woman.

 Not buying it, he asked again.  "Seriously, what's wrong?"

 "Do you really want to know?  Well, I'll tell you.  I have
 cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
 Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

 "Why should I?" he said.  "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
 a Father's Day gift."

 "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Top
Subj:     Amazing Women
          From: smiles on 9/7/99

 Women have strengths that amaze men.  They carry children,
 they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold
 happiness, love and joy.

 They smile when they want to scream.  They sing when they
 want to cry.  They cry when they are happy and laugh when
 they are nervous Women wait by the phone for a "safe at
 home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

 Women have special qualities about them.  They volunteer
 for good causes.  They are pink ladies in hospitals, they
 bring food to shut ins.  They are childcare workers,
 executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and
 your neighbors.  They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
 uniforms.  They fight for what they believe in.  They stand
 up for injustice.  They are in the front row at PTA
 meetings.

 They vote for the person that will do the best job for
 family issues.  They walk and talk the extra mile to get
 their children in the right schools and for getting their
 family the right health care.  They write to the editor,
 their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things
 that make for a better life.  They don't take "no" for an
 answer when they believe there is a better solution.

 They stick a love note in their Lovers lunch box.  They do
 without new shoes so their children can have them.  They
 go to the doctor with a frightened friend.  They love
 unconditionally.

 Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.  They are smart,
 knowing that knowledge is power.  But they still know how
 to use their softer side to make a point.  Women want to
 be the best for their family, their friends, and them-
 selves.  They cry when their children excel and cheer when
 their friends get awards.

 They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new
 marriage.  Their hearts break when a friend dies.  They
 have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are
 strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's
 touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss
 can heal a broken heart. They can make a romantic evening
 unforgettable.

 Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.  They
 live in homes, apartments and cabins.  They drive, fly,
 walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
 you.  The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

 Women do more than just give birth.  They bring joy and
 hope.  They give compassion and ideals.  They give moral
 support to their family and friends.  And all they want
 back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people
 you come in contact with.

 Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

Top
Subj:     A Woman's Random Thoughts
          From: smiles on 9/7/99

 Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

 Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
 in an Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

 Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
 them down and forget where they left them.

 One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy
 can make a woman gain 5 lb.

 My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

 The best way to forget all your troubles is to
 wear tight shoes.

 The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
 don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
 consciousness.

 Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
 and it shrinks two sizes!

 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
 by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Top
Subj:     Short Jokes About Mothers

Top
Subj:     It's Your Mother Sign (S474c, S640a)
          From: redcatt on 2/16/2006
 

Top
Subj:     The History Of Mother's Day (S328b)
          From: igiggle on 5/10/2003
 The ancient Greeks celebrated Mother's Day in spring,
 like we do.  They used to honor Rhea, "mother of the
 gods" with honey-cakes and fine drinks and flowers at
 dawn.  Sounds like the beginnings of the Mother's Day
 tradition of breakfast in bed!  Mother's Day is now
 celebrated in many countries around the world.  Australia,
 Mexico, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey, Belgium, Russia,
 China, Thailand, all have special celebrations to honor
 Mothers, but not in the same way or on the same day as
 the United States.

 Mothering Sunday was celebrated in Britain beginning in
 the 17th century.  It was honored on the fourth Sunday
 in Lent.  It began as a day when apprentices and servants
 could return home for the day to visit their mothers they
 often brought a gift with them, often a "mothering cake"
 -- a kind of fruitcake or fruit-filled pastry known as
 simnels.  Furmety, a sweetened boiled cereal dish, was
 often served at the family dinner during Mothering Sunday
 celebrations.  By the 19th century, the holiday had almost
 completely died out.
 

Top
Subj:     Riding In Mother's Backpack (S275)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002
 I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had
 him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus.
 Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of
 stairs, (13 to be exact).  I was bruised, bleeding and I
 had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
 my child.

 My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard
 a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
 

Top
Subj:     Quotes About Mother... (S275c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002

 I know how to do anything -- I'm a mom.
   -- Roseanne Barr

 The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom.
   -- Henry Ward Beecher

 A mother is a person who seeing there are only four
 pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she
 never did care for pie.  -- Tenneva Jordan

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/13/2001 (S224)
 "Before I became a mother I was a such a free spirit.  I
 used to say, 'No man will ever dominate me.'  Now I have a
 six-year-old master."  -- Sully Diaz

From: dogbyte on 1/2/2002 (S257)
 An ounce of mother is
 worth a ton of priest.
   -- Spanish proverb

From: dogbyte on 3/14/2002 (S270c)
 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for
 thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
 The original meal has never been found.  -- Sam Levinson

From: dogbyte on 5/9/2002 (S275c)
 My mother loved children... she would have given anything
 if I had been one.  -- Groucho Marx

From: pns on 1/6/2003 (S312b)
 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
   -- Jack Nicholson

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/20/2003 (S321b)
 If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
 two hands?  -- Milton Berle

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003 (S327b)
 All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.
   -- Abraham Lincoln

From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b - quotes-comed-supp)
 What's a home without a mother?  Dirty.  -- Soupy Sales

From: igiggle on 5/11/2003 (S328b)
 About 96% of American consumers take part in some way
 in Mother's Day.

From: LABLaughsClean on 8/24/2005 (S447b)
 "You don't pay back your parents. You can't. The debt you
  owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down
  in turn. It's a sort of entailment. Or if you don't have
  children of the body, it's left as a debt to your common
  humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed
  by one."  -- Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999

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