Subj: Mothers Jokes
(Includes 39 jokes and articles, 13 1001n,9,cf,wYT3,4)
Click "Here" for Mothers-Supp
Also see BEARS file - 'Wanna
Be A Bear???'
......................- 'Three Bears Go To Court'
......................- 'Three Bears Come Down For Breakfast'
DATING3 file - 'Manny Can't Find A Girl Mom Likes'
......................- 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home'
DIFFERENCES3 - 'Women And Men'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
ENGLSHMAN-SUP- 'Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding' - Video
.........GOD2 file - 'When God Created Mothers'
HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Wife Has Skin Graft'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish Toast From County Cork'
KIDS2 file - 'Girl Asked Mom About White Hair'
KIDS3 file - 'Things I've Learned From My Children'
KIDS4 file - 'Little Things Are Cute'
LETTERS1 file- 'A letter to Mom...'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife'
.........MARRIAGE4 - 'Poem For Mom And Dads'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
MEN1 file - (look here for Father's Day articles)
MIDDLE_EAST - 'Two Arab Mothers Talk In Cafe'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Hippo's New Mom'
PLANE-SUPP - 'I Wish You Enough'
PREACHER file- 'Sermon Blooper'
PREGNANT file- 'Baby Sues Over Pregnancy'
STORIES file - 'Did You Do Anything Today?'
TEAR JERKER1 - 'The Other Woman'
......................- 'Flowers For Mom'
WOMEN2 file - 'Why Women Are Crabby'
YoMama file - (see whole file)
Subj: Army "Happy Mother's Day" (S953)
From: Laurie Ann Brown on Facebook
Subj: Son Brings Home His Future Bride (S218, S751)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/30/2001
A young man excitedly tells his
mother he's fallen in
love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and
guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
That night, he shows up at his
mother's house with three
beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch,
and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting
to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the
young man asks his mother,
'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Subj: Son Up Till Son Down - Sign (S803)
Source: (Removed from ShopGrowNebraska.org)
Subj: Me Mudder (S440)
From: CKButch4Femme on 6/28/2005
When me prayers were poorly said,
Who tucked me in me widdle bed,
And spanked me till me arse was red,
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot,
And made me pee when I could not,
And when the morning light would
And in me crib me dribbled some,
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart,
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,
Who looked at me with eyebrows
And nearly have a king-size fit,
When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek,
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,
I hope this keeps ya
giggling all day.
Why Mom's Can't Do Yoga (S458b,d)
From: Dickschu on 11/3/2005
A mom tries to do a head stand
while a baby needs
attention. Click 'HERE' to see this cute, one
Subj: Mother's Maintenance Manual (S471b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/23/2006
Many of us take better care of
our cars then we do our
mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6
years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.
Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we
would know how to take care of them at least as well as
we do our automobiles.
Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
Engine: A mother's engine is
one of the most dependable
kinds you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone
position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But
regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance.
Mothers need a hot bath and a
nap every 100 miles, a baby-
sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live in
baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
Battery: Mother's batteries should
be recharged regularly.
Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and
frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.
Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor
floods, it should
be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
Brakes: See that she uses her
brakes to slow down often
and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking
sound indicates a need for a rest.)
Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely
on coffee, left
overs and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a
nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
Chassis: Mothers run best when
their bodies are properly
maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and
provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup
in spring and fall are also helpful. If you notice the
chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of
walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are
most effective when done with fathers.
Tune-ups: Mother needs regular
are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a
mother purring contentedly.
If these instructions are followed
fantastic creation and gift from God that we call MOTHER
should last a lifetime and give good service and constant
love to those who need her most.
Subj: Mother Goose And Grimm (DU)
By Mike Peters on 3/26/2015
Subj: Husband Comes Home To A Mess (S270)
From: thebartend on 4/2/2002
One day a man comes home from
work to find total mayhem
at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas
playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes
and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house,
he found an even bigger
mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the
floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile
of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn
with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had
been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys, to look for
his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill,
or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom,
still in bed with her pajamas
on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled,
and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
She again smiled and answered,
"You know everyday when you
come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
Subj: Reynolds Cartoons (S953)
Created by Dan Reynolds
From: Becky Dobry on Facenook
Subj: When I'm a Little Old Lady (S251b - poem)
From: Cypriot on 11/23/2001
I'll live with my children and
bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had, from each girl and each boy,
I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
socks under my bed.
And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when
they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer
And never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not
wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie
down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to
complete every meal
Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor.
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, and what
joy it will be
To Live with my children ... just how they lived with me!
Kids Talk About God And Their Mother (S339b, S675)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/20/2003
and From: ginafm on 12/24/2009
This is large enough that it
needs it's own file.
Click 'HERE' to read these cute comments.
Subj: Quotes From "Famous" Mothers (S432)
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/6/2005
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a
baseball cap like the other kids?"
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
you're starting to look a little purple!"
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
insurance will be!"
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family.
You know anything about this Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet
and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something
about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
for the past 3 days!"
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided
you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit
spending so much time in all those phone booths!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
Subj: Somebody Said (S278)
by Renee Hawkley from her book
"Don't Come In Here! Mom's Throwing Spaghetti!"
From: mombear1 on 5/24/2002
Somebody said a mother is an
somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath.
Somebody said it takes about
six weeks to get back to
normal after you've had a baby...somebody doesn't know
that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said a mother's job
consists of wiping noses
and changing diapers...somebody doesn't know that a
child is much more than the shell he lives in.
Somebody said you learn how to
be a mother by instinct...
somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother
is boring...somebody never
rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said teachers, psychologists
know more about children than their mothers...somebody
hasn't invested their heart in another human being.
Somebody said if you're a "good"
mother, your child will
"turn out" okay...somebody thinks a child is like a bag
of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold
and a guarantee.
Somebody said being a mother
is what you do in your spare
time...somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother,
you're a mother ALL the time.
Somebody said "good" mothers
never raise their voices...
somebody never came out the back door just in time to
see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the
neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need
an education to be a
mother...somebody never helped a fourth grader with
Somebody said you can't love
the fifth child as much
as you love the first...somebody doesn't have five
Somebody said a mother can find
all the answers to her
child-rearing questions in the books...somebody never
had a child stuff beans up his nose.
Somebody said the hardest part
of being a mother is
labor and delivery...somebody never watched their "baby"
get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a mother can do
her job with her eyes
closed and one hand tied behind her back...somebody
never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop
worrying after her child
gets married...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds
a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job
is done when her last child
leaves home...somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said being a mother
is a side dish on the plate
of life...somebody doesn't know what fills you up.
Somebody said your mother knows
you love her, so you don't
need to tell her...somebody isn't a mother.
Subj: Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say (S275c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it
makes the house more
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"
"Aw, just turn these undies inside
out. No one will ever
"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's
okay, that's good enough
"Of course you should walk to
school and back. What's the
big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"
"My meeting won't be over till
later tonight. You kids
don't mind skipping dinner?"
Subj: Motherhood (S275)
From: mombear1 on 5/7/2002
Is there a magic cutoff period
when offspring become
accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful
moment when parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life,"
and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I
stood in a hospital corridor
waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head.
I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said,
"When they get out of the accident stage." My Mother just
smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I
sat on a little chair in a
classroom and heard how one of my children talked
incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a
career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a
teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage
and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My
mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent
a lifetime waiting for
the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door
to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find them-
selves. Don't worry in a few years, you can stop worrying.
They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and
By the time I was 50, I was sick
? tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but
there was a new wrinkle--there was nothing I could do
about it. My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their
failures, be tormented
by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop
worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that,
but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her
occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me
the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"
Can it be that parents are sentenced
to a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze
the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the
highest form of life?
One of my children became quite
irritable recently, saying
to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and
no one answered. I was worried!" I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
Subj: Call Me 'Mother' (S232, S532b)
From: spyda on 7/11/2001
and From: LABLaughs on 4/2/2007
A young man was walking through
a supermarket when he
noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her
and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line,
but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry
if my staring has made
you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son,
who recently died."
"I'm very sorry," replied the
young man. "Is there anything
that I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving,
can you say 'Good bye,
Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving,
he called out, "Goodbye,
When he stepped up to the checkout
counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked. "I
only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would
pay for her," said the
Call Me 'Mother' II (S681b,d)
From: YouTube.com on 2/2/2010
A lonely young man meets a old
lady in a supermarket
checkout line. Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.
Subj: You Know You're A Mother When... (S240b)
From: mombear1 on 9/6/2001
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
Your kid throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
You've mastered the art of placing
large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
Your child insists that you read
"Once Upon a Potty" out
loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
You cling to the high moral ground
on toy weapons; your
child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable,
since it's the only one
your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your
into cute shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice
coming out of your mouth when
you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You count the sprinkles on each
kid's cupcake to make sure
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the
hope that your child won't
get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you
haven't been out with your
husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
You say at least once a day,
"I'm not cut out for this
job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Subj: Mother's Dictionary (S219, S539b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/11/2001 and 5/10/2007
Amnesia: condition that enables
a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again
Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense: what you'd better have
aroun de yard if you're going
to let de children play outside
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Family Planning: the art of spacing
your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: the inevitable result
when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents: the people who
think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent: how we want our
children to be as long as they
do everything we say
Look Out!: what it's too late
for your child to do by the time
you scream it
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms
Puddle: a small body of water
that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize: what you do to your
first baby's pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Storeroom: the distance required
between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
Temper Tantrums: what you should
keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children
Thunderstorm: a chance to see
how many family members can fit
into one bed
Top Bunk: where you should never
put a child wearing Superman
Two-Minute Warning: when the
baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Verbal: able to whine in words
Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
Subj: Mean Moms (S214)
From: ICohen on 3/7/2001
Someday when my children are
old enough to understand the
logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:
I loved you enough...to ask where
you were going, with
whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough...to insist
that you save your money
and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford
to buy one for you.
I loved you enough...to be silent
and let you discover
that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough...to make
you go pay for the bubble
gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this
yesterday and want to pay for it."
I loved you enough...to stand
over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have
taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough...to let you
see anger, disappointment,
and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their
parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough...to let you
assume the responsibility
for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh
they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you
enough...to say NO when I
knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most
difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because
in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children
are old enough to under-
stand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell
them.... Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a
Twinkie for lunch, we had to
eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a
dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.
She had to know who our friends
were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would
be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to
break the Child Labor Laws by making us work.
We had to wash the dishes, make
the beds, learn to cook,
vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all
sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at
night thinking of more things for us to do. She always
insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds.
Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our
friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had
to come up to the door so she could meet them. While
everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had
to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed
out on lots of things
other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested
for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we
are all educated, honest
adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just
like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world
today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms.
PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOMS YOU KNOW.
I'll Never Understand My Wife (S174)
From: Anaise on 5/27/00Drawing from MDE-Art.com
This is large enough that it
needs it's own file.
Click 'HERE' to read these heartwarming comments.
Subj: What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day (S327)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003
To be able to eat a whole candy
bar (alone) and drink
a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash).
To have her 14 year-old daughter
answer a question without
rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
Five pounds of chocolate that
won't add twenty pounds
to her figure.
A shower without a child peeking
through the curtain with
a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as she puts a razor to her ankle.
A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
For her teenager to announce,
"Hey, Mom! I got a full
scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
A grocery store that doesn't
have candy/gum/cheap toys
displayed at the checkout line.
To have a family meal without
a discussion about bodily
To be able to step on a plane
with their toddlers and
NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me?!?"
To occasionally get to sleep
late on the weekend. I mean
is this too much to ask?
To actually carry on a normal
phone conversation with her
toddler in the SAME room.
To actually be able to finish
a HOT cup of coffee while
her kids are present. An impossible feat!
To take a hot bath without her
toddler suddenly screaming,
"Mommy, I have to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water!
Happy Mother's Day!
Subj: Mother's Day Joke (S172, S379b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/12/00
A family was having dinner on
Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know?
Well, I'll tell you. I have
cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said.
"Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
Subj: Amazing Women
From: smiles on 9/7/99
Women have strengths that amaze
men. They carry children,
they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold
happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to
scream. They sing when they
want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when
they are nervous Women wait by the phone for a "safe at
home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
Women have special qualities
about them. They volunteer
for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they
bring food to shut ins. They are childcare workers,
executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and
your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand
up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA
They vote for the person that
will do the best job for
family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get
their children in the right schools and for getting their
family the right health care. They write to the editor,
their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things
that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an
answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They stick a love note in their
Lovers lunch box. They do
without new shoes so their children can have them. They
go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love
Women are honest, loyal, and
forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how
to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to
be the best for their family, their friends, and them-
selves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when
their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear
about a birth or a new
marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They
have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are
strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's
touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart. They can make a romantic evening
Women come in all sizes, in all
colors and shapes. They
live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give
birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends. And all they want
back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people
you come in contact with.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
Subj: A Woman's Random Thoughts
From: smiles on 9/7/99
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes
of every day, someone
in an Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies
because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how
a 2 pound box of candy
can make a woman gain 5 lb.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your
troubles is to
wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in
a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain
Amazing! You hang something in
your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!
The older you get, the tougher
it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Subj: Short Jokes About Mothers
Subj: It's Your Mother Sign (S474c, S640a)
From: redcatt on 2/16/2006
Subj: The History Of Mother's Day (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/10/2003
The ancient Greeks celebrated Mother's Day in spring,
like we do. They used to honor Rhea, "mother of the
gods" with honey-cakes and fine drinks and flowers at
dawn. Sounds like the beginnings of the Mother's Day
tradition of breakfast in bed! Mother's Day is now
celebrated in many countries around the world. Australia,
Mexico, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey, Belgium, Russia,
China, Thailand, all have special celebrations to honor
Mothers, but not in the same way or on the same day as
the United States.
Mothering Sunday was celebrated
in Britain beginning in
the 17th century. It was honored on the fourth Sunday
in Lent. It began as a day when apprentices and servants
could return home for the day to visit their mothers they
often brought a gift with them, often a "mothering cake"
-- a kind of fruitcake or fruit-filled pastry known as
simnels. Furmety, a sweetened boiled cereal dish, was
often served at the family dinner during Mothering Sunday
celebrations. By the 19th century, the holiday had almost
completely died out.
Subj: Riding In Mother's Backpack (S275)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had
him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus.
Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of
stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I
had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
My fears were alleviated though
when from behind me I heard
a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Subj: Quotes About Mother... (S275c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/9/2002
I know how to do anything --
I'm a mom.
-- Roseanne Barr
The mother's heart is the child's
-- Henry Ward Beecher
A mother is a person who seeing
there are only four
pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she
never did care for pie. -- Tenneva Jordan
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/13/2001
"Before I became a mother I was a such a free spirit. I
used to say, 'No man will ever dominate me.' Now I have a
six-year-old master." -- Sully Diaz
From: dogbyte on 1/2/2002 (S257)
An ounce of mother is
worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb
From: dogbyte on 3/14/2002 (S270c)
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found. -- Sam Levinson
From: dogbyte on 5/9/2002 (S275c)
My mother loved children... she would have given anything
if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx
From: pns on 1/6/2003 (S312b)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/20/2003
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
two hands? -- Milton Berle
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/10/2003 (S327b)
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.
-- Abraham Lincoln
From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b -
What's a home without a mother? Dirty. -- Soupy Sales
From: igiggle on 5/11/2003 (S328b)
About 96% of American consumers take part in some way
in Mother's Day.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/24/2005 (S447b)
"You don't pay back your parents. You can't. The debt you
owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down
in turn. It's a sort of entailment. Or if you don't have
children of the body, it's left as a debt to your common
humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed
by one." -- Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999