Subj:     Wedding-Honeymoon Jokes
                 (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 10 1100n,2,cL2f.md4YT2a,1)

          Click "Here" for Wedding-Honeymoon-Supp

Wedding Couple
Animated Cliparts
Includes the following:  Drew Litton Cartoon (DU)
.........................Chonda Pierce - The Honeymoon Package! - Video (S830 in Supp)
.........................Dancing On The Moon (1935) - Video (S727 in Supp)
.........................The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S983)
.........................George Younce Sings 'Side By Side' - Video (S720)
.........................Honeymooners Receive Two Tickets (S620c)
.........................Bride Charges Husband (S489)
.........................New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar (S468)
.........................Bride Disappears For Two Days (S413b)
.........................Honeymoon Of A 85 Year Old And A 25 Year Old (S340)
.........................Sex Compared To Prison (S315, DU)
.........................Doing The Laundry (S312, S582c)
.........................Chinese Wedding Night (S305, S582b)
.........................Couple Wait For Wedding Night (S248, Du)
.........................Bride And Groom Each Have A Secret (S156, S582)
.........................The Code (S154)
.........................Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon (S146, S357)
.........................Three Sisters Honeymoon At Home (S113)
.........................Three Sisters Write After Homeymoons (S179, S349)
.........................Marol's Wedding Night Near Mama (S77, S668b)
.........................Newlyweds Take Each Others Picture
.........................Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon (S231b)
.........................Carpenter, Electrician And Dentist Play Tricks
.........................Bride Had Been With Arnold Palmer
.........................Three Honeymooning Couples In Suites
.........................Where Are We Now?
.........................Bride Sees Groom For First Time (S16, S320)
.........................Middle Aged Couple Marry (S22, S329)
.........................Newly Wed Couple And Their Pants (S139, S822)
.........................Groom Leaves Money For Bride

                         Short Honeymoon Jokes
..............................Old Couple Go On Honeymoon (S403b)
..............................First Honeymoon Night (S385, S681)
..............................Bride Demands Manners (S268c)
..............................Retiree Goes On Honeymoon w/Showgirl (S181)
..............................Couple Says 'Washing Machine'
..............................Judi Buys Deodorant For Jon

Also see BIRD-PARROT  - 'Newly Weds And The Parrot'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride'
......................- 'Texan And His Bride Get A Room'
......................- 'Cowboy And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Doctor Gives Sex Talk To Naive Groom'
         Elderly1-Supp- 'How To Handle A Husband'
         ELDERLY2     - 'Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Golfer And His Bride On The Honeymoon'
         HAHDICAPPED  - 'Two Deaf People Get Married'
         ITALIAN file - 'Two Italian Virgins Get Married'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Preparation for Parenthood'
         KNIGHT file  - 'King Arthur And What Women Want'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Fifth Marriage'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
         REDNECK3 file- 'Rednecks Get Married'
         STORIES-SUPP - 'The Window From Which We Look'
         WEDDING file -  (See whole file)
         VASELINE file- 'Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon'
Subj:     The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S983)
          Created by Scott Hilburn in 2013
 Source: www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2013/09/25
Subj:     George Younce Sings 'Side By Side'
          From: allenbergman
..........in 2010 (S720d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/eNffFJGaquM
 Source2: www.youtube.com/embed/meZO2VbrWIY

 Click 'HERE' to hear this very funny song about a honeymoon
 by George Younce.  George Younce (February 22, 1930 -
 April 11, 2005) was an American singer, known for performing
 with Southern Gospel quartets, especially The Cathedrals.
 The second source is ten minutes long and contains much
 more than just the 'Side By Side' song.

Subj:     Honeymooners Receive Two Tickets (S620c)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2008

 A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
 After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of
 the presents they received from friends and family. Since
 this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver
 went into the closet, items were put on the walls for
 display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in
 the bedroom drawers.

 A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a
 popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They
 were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person
 who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a
 small piece of paper with a single line.

 "Guess who sent them."

 The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but
 failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had
 a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still
 trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found
 the house stripped of every article of value. And on the
 bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which
 was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the

 "Now you know!"

Subj:     Bride Charges Husband (S489)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2006

 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
 husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
 encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily

 This scenario was repeated each time  they made love, for more
 than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for
 her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
 her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few
 minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a
 process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It
 was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
 another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
 earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
 thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly
 $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
 by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him
 that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 She explained that for the more than three decades she had
 "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these
 were the results of her savings and investments.  Faced with
 evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
 husband was so astounded he could barely  speak, but finally
 he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had  any idea what
 you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

 That's when she shot him.

Subj:     New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar (S468)
          From: auntiegah in 2006

 A couple had only been married for two weeks. The   husband,
 although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
 town and party with his old buddies.

 So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

 Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"asked the wife.

 "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

 The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door
 to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
 brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
 India, etc.

 The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
 could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar..
 you know... they have frozen glasses... "

 He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
 him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
 huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
 chills just holding it.

 The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
 the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
 I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"

 "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven
 and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
 wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

 "But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know, there's swearing,
 dirty words and all that..."

 "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,

 and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a   sweet story?

Subj:     Bride Disappears For Two Days (S413b)
          From: JokesUncut in 2004

 A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to
 his house he found that his bride had disappeared.  He got
 very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for
 his wife with no success.

 Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to
 find her in the kitchen.  He asked her what she has been up
 to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

 She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex
 with me for a week."

 The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do
 you mean a week?"

 "I am only here to get something to eat."

Subj:     Honeymoon Of A 85 Year Old And A 25 Year Old (S340)
          From: Imogenelumen in 2003

 At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-
 year old.  Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides
 that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate
 bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged
 husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
 together.  After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
 herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.  Sure
 enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris,
 her 85-year old groom.

 They have sex and all goes well, Morris takes leave of his
 bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.  After a few minutes,
 Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
 Morris, who looks happy and eager.  Somewhat surprised, Lou
 Anne consents for more sex.  When the newlyweds are done,
 Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

 She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it,
 Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh
 as a 25-year old.  And once again they have sex.  But as
 Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him: "I am
 thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well
 and so often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your
 age who could only have sex once .

 Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You
 mean I was here already?"

Subj:     Sex Compared To Prison (S315, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003

 On their honeymoon night, the bride turns to her husband
 and says, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don't know
 anything about sex, so I'm a little nervous.  Would you
 explain it to me first?"

 "Sure, Sweetheart," the husband replies.  "Putting it
 simply, we'll call your private place 'the prison', and
 we'll call my private thing 'the prisoner'.  What we do
 is this....we put the prisoner in the prison."

 They then make love for the first time. Afterwards, the
 husband sprawls out on the bed, face up, with a look of
 satisfaction on his face.

 A few minutes later, the bride nudges him and giggles,
 "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 He turns on his side and with a big grin, says, "Well,
 we'll just have to re-imprison him."

 After making love the second time, the husband rolls over
 and reaches for a cigarette. The wife, however, is
 thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love.
 Giving him a seductive smile, she purrs, "Honey, the
 prisoner's out again!"

 Mustering up all the strength he can, the husband rises to
 the occasion once more, then lays back on the bed, totally

 Once more, the wife nudges him and says, "Honey, the
 prisoner's escaped again"

 With his last bit of strength, the husband turns his head
 and yells, "It's not life imprisonment!"

Subj:     Doing The Laundry (S312, S582c)
          From: LABLaughs.com in 2003

 A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were
 very anxious about having sex because they were both
 virgins.  Because of their sexual inexperience, they were
 a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came
 up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of
 "having sex."

 This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.
 Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful.
 They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night.  In the
 middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was
 ready to do the laundry again.  He gently shook his new wife
 and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was
 very tired.

 She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet.
 May be in the morning.  A few hours later the new wife awoke
 feeling very guilty.  What he had asked for wasn't
 unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do
 the laundry" with him again.

 She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied
 you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

 He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it
 by hand."

Subj:     Chinese Wedding Night (S305, S582b)
          From: coreymac in 2002

 A Chinese couple gets married-and she's a virgin.  Truth
 be told, he is none too experienced either.  On the wedding
 night, she covers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
 undresses.  He climbs in next to her and tries to be
 reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time
 and you berry frighten.  I pomise you, I give you anyting
 you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say.
 Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which
 he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

 A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
 eagerly) for her request.  She eventually replies shyly and
 unsure, "I want . numba 69.

 More thoughtful silence, this time from him.  Eventually,
 in a puzzled tone he queries.............. "You want...
 Beef wif Broccori?"

Subj:     Couple Wait For Wedding Night (S248, DU)
          From: dogbyte in 2001

 John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they
 never had sex.

 "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

 So he waits.

 They are engaged three years, and finally the big day
 rolls around.  On their wedding night, Mary comes out
 of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news.  I
 have my period, and I don't want our first time to be
 all bloody!"

 John says, "You're kidding!"

 Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

 Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a
 drink.  On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide
 awake staring at the ceiling.

 "There's no use John," she said "You might as well go
 to sleep."

 "I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough
 skin left to close my eyes!"

Subj:     Bride And Groom Each Have A Secret (S156, S582)
          From: KMacinty in 2000

 A young couple decided to wed.  As the big day approached,
 they grew apprehensive.  Each had a problem they had never
 before shared with anyone, not even each other.

 The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his
 father for advice.  "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned
 about the success of my marriage.  I love my fiance, very
 much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid
 that my future wife will be put off by them."

 "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet
 as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

 Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

 The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her
 problem up her mom.  "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
 morning my breath is truly awful."

 "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in
 the morning."

 "No, you don't understand.  My morning breath is so bad, I'm
 afraid  that my new husband will not want to sleep in the
 same room with me."

 Her mother said simply, "Try this.  In the morning, get
 straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush
 your teeth.  The key is, not to say a word until you've
 brushed your teeth.  Not a word," her mother affirmed.

 Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

 The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful
 ceremony.  Not forgetting the advice each had received,
 he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
 silence, they managed quite well.  That is, until about
 six months later.

 Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to
 find that one of his socks had come off.  Fearful of the
 consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

 This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she
 immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

 "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

Subj:     The Code (S154)
          From: collins2 in 2000

 Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married
 within the same month.  She tells each one of her daughters
 to write back about their married life.  To avoid possible
 embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing
 their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using
 newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know
 how their love lives are going.

 The first one gets married and the second day a telegram
 arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

 Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee
 House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..."
 So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

 Then the second daughter gets married.  After a week, there
 is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES".  So, Mrs.
 Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:
 "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

 Then it is the third one's wedding.  Mrs. Smith is anxious
 because two weeks have passed and still no message from the
 third daughter.  Then after four weeks comes a letter with
 the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".

 And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this
 time she faints.  The ad reads:  "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN

Subj:     Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon (S146, S357)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2003

 A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
 in the crotch.  Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
 He finally gets himself to the doctor.  He says, "How bad
 is it doc?  I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
 fiance is still a virgin in every way."

 The doc said,  "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to
 let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next
 week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
 little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.  It was
 an impressive work of art.

 The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.  They marry
 and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
 open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This
 was the first time he ever saw them.  She says, "You are the
 first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

 He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this,
 it's still in the crate!"

Subj:     Three Sisters Honeymoon At Home (S113)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #295 on 3/24/99

 Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save
 their parents the expense of separate weddings.  As a further
 step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to
 spend their honeymoon night at home.

 Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went
 to the kitchen for a cup of tea.  On her way, she tiptoed
 by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
 The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially
 on her wedding night."

 She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard
 her laughing.  "That's normal too," she said, smiling to

 Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where
 she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

 The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had
 gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last
 night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said
 if it hurt, I should scream."

 "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured
 her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you
 laughing?" she asked.

 "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

 "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her
 newlywed days.  "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning
 to her youngest daughter.  "Why was it so quiet in your room
 last night?"

 "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk
 with my mouth full."

Subj:     Three Sisters Write After Homeymoons (S179, S349)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 in 2000

 A mother had three daughters and on their wedding day, she
 would ask each of them to write home and tell her about
 their married life.

 The first wrote back on the second day after she got married.
 The letter arrived with only a single message, "Maxwell
 Coffeehouse."  The Mother was confused at first, but finally
 noticed a Maxwell coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said;
 "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.

 Then the second daughter got married and after a week she
 sent home a letter.  There was only one message, it read;
 "Rothmans."  So the Mother looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it
 says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE."  The Mother was happy.

 After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious
 to receive a message from her baby.  It took 4 weeks for a
 message to arrive.  When it did the message simply said
 "BRITISH AIRWAYS."  The Mother was concerned.  She frantically
 looked through all the newspapers at home for a British
 Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted.


Subj:     Marol's Wedding Night Near Mama (S77, S668b)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-20

 Marol spent her wedding night in her family home.  As was
 the tradition for many years in her Italian family, the
 bride's mother would be in the room next door just in case
 she needed the answer to any nervous questions.

 Mama's last word of advice before Marol went in to the bridal
 chamber to consumate her marriage was " Marol, you have a any
 a problem you come and a see Mama"

 So later when Marol unbuttoned his shirt, she turned pale,
 jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he has hair
 all over his chest!  Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "Men
 have a hair on their chest.  This is a sign of a good a man,
 go now and a make him a happy."

 When Marol's husband started to unbutton her shirt, she went
 pale again, jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he
 is trying to undress me!  Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He
 must a undress you if he a gonna make a real woman out a you.
 He is a good a man Marol, go now and a make him a happy.

 All went well until her husband took off his shoes.  He was
 wearing a prostectic foot (he was missing half of his right
 foot because of a childhood accident) Marol, pale once again
 jumped up, running to the door said "Mama, Mama he has a foot
 and a half!

 Mama says" Stand a back Marol this is a job for Mama!!"

Subj:     Newlyweds Take Each Other's Picture
          From: thebartend

 On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go
 to change.  The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
 showered and wearing her beautiful robe.  The proud husband
 says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

 The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
 "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful,
 let me take your picture.

 Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

 He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
 my heart forever".

 She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
 the bathroom to shower.

 He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
 you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens
 his robe and she exclaims,  "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

 He beams and asks, "why?"

 She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Subj:     Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon (S231b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #243 on 7/2/2001

 A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry
 her right away.  She said, "But we don't know anything about
 each other."

 He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
 we go along."  She consented, and they were married, and
 went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

 One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off
 his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two
 and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost
 without a ripple.  This was followed by three rotations in
 jackknife position before he again straightened out and
 cut the water like a knife.  After a few more demonstrations,
 he came back and lay down on his towel.

 She said," That was incredible!"

 He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see,
 I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

 So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
 She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off
 at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was
 already touching the other end of the pool.  She did laps
 in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!  After about
 thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
 and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

 He said, "That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance

 "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both
 sides of the canal."

Subj:     Carpenter, Electrician And Dentist Play Tricks
          From: thebartend on 98-04-16

 A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend
 who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each
 was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.

 The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that
 when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.

 The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so
 that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.

 And as the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching
 his head and trying to come up with something.

 After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends:

 "I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and
 we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down.  But who in hell
 put Novocain in the Vaseline?"

Subj:     Bride Had Been With Arnold Palmer
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-21

 A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready
 to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
 husband, "I have a confession to make-- I'm not a virgin."

 The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

 Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 "Arnold Palmer."

 "Arnold Palmer the golfer?"


 "Well he's rich, famous and handsome.  I can see why you went
 to bed with him."

 The husband and wife then make passionate love.  When they
 get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
 "What are you doing?" says the wife.

 The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room
 service and get some food."

 "Arnie wouldn't do that."

 "Oh yeah?  What would Arnie do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
 love with his wife a second time.  When they finish, he gets
 up and goes over to the phone.  "What are you doing?" She says.

 The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
 service to get some food."

 "Arnie wouldn't do that."

 "Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

 The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
 love to his wife one more time.  When they finish he's tired
 and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to
 dial.  The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 "No! I'm calling Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"

Subj:     Three Honeymooning Couples In Suites

 Three newly wed couples had honeymoon suites side by side
 with a common balcony.  In the first as they get undressed
 the new husband says "my god haven't you got huge tits" at
 which the bride took offence and kicked him out onto the

 In the second room as they disrobed the guy say's "good
 heavens, what a gigantic arse". Again offence is taken
 and he is kicked out onto the balcony also.

 While these two are sitting on the balcony side by side,
 the third chap comes flying through the window to join them.
 One of the others says "..and did you put your foot in it as
 well".  The third husband reply "NO... BUT I COULD HAVE DONE

Subj:     Where Are We Now?
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-26

 A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana.  When
 they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about
 the pronunciation of the town.  They argued back and forth
 until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for

 As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order,
 could you please settle an argument for us.   Would you very
 slowly pronounce where we are".

 The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr
 gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

Subj:     Bride Sees Groom For First Time (S16, S320)
          From: Marshal B. and Ray V.M. verbally

 A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel
 where they were spending the first night of their honey-
 moon.  They opened the bottle of champagne and began
 undressing.  When the bridegroom removed his socks,
 his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet?
 Your toes look all mangled and weird.  Why are your feet
 so gross?"

 "I had tolio as a child," he said.

 "You mean Polio?" she asked.

 "No, tolio.  The disease only affected my toes."

 The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they
 continued undressing.  When the groom took off his pants,
 his bride wrinkled up her nose.  "What's wrong with your
 knees?" she asked.  "They're all lumpy and deformed".

 "As a child, I also had kneasles." he explained.

 "You mean measles?" she asked.

 "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected
 my knees."

 The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.  As the
 undressing continued, her husband at last removed his under-
 wear.  "Don't tell me," she said, "Let me guess, Small Cox."

Subj:     Middle Aged Couple Marry (S22, S329)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-12

 (See 'Fifth Marriage'
  and 'Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages' in MARRIAGE3)

 A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide
 to get married.  On their wedding night they settle into
 the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her
 new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,...  I am still a

 The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married
 3 times before."

 The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way:  My
 first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to
 do was talk about it."

 "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted
 to do was look at it."

 "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever
 wanted to do was...............God I miss him!"

 "But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"

Subj:     Newly Wed Couple And Their Pants (S139, S822)
          From: ginafm on 9/19/2008

 Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat
 him down for a little chat.  He said, 'Mike, let me tell
 you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
 I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
 'Here, try these on'.  She did and said, 'These are too
 big, I can't wear them.'  I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the
 pants in this family and I always will.'  Ever since that
 night we have never had any problems.'

 'Hmmm,' said Mike.  He thought that might be good thing to

 On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,
 'Here try these on.'  She tried them on and said, 'These are
 too large, they don't fit me. '

 'Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and
 I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that.'

 Then Karen took off her pants, and handed them to Mike.  She
 said, 'Here, you try on mine.'  He did and said, 'I can't
 get into your pants.'  Karen said, 'Exactly.  And if you
 don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.'

 "They lived happily ever after."

Subj:     Groom Leaves Money For Bride
          From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97

 A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to
 everyone that they are not talking to each other.  The
 groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong,
 "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love
 on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I
 put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

 "Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend
 "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't
 expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
 The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get
 over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

Subj:     Short Honeymoon Jokes

Subj:     Old Couple Go On Honeymoon (S403b)
          From: Anonymous Junior in 2004
 An old man and old woman got married and went on their
 honeymoon.  They were in bed getting ready to have sex
 for the first time and the old woman said I should tell
 you I have acute angina.  The old man says I hope so,
 you sure don't have cute tits.

Subj:     First Honeymoon Night (S385, S681b)
          From: mrx on 6/8/2004
 Source: www.marksfridayfunnies.com/searchResults.asp?search
 "I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom as he
 lay beside his bride in the darkness of their honeymoon
 suite. "Am I the first man to sleep with you?"

 "You will be, darling," answered his bride, "if you
 doze off."

Subj:     Bride Demands Manners (S268c)
          From: dogbyte in 2002
 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
 lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
 severely.  "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
 "just as I do at the dinner table."

 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his
 rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is
 that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would
 you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

Subj:     Retiree Goes On Honeymoon w/Showgirl (S181)
          From: thebartend in 2000
 A flashy showgirl married a 97 year old retired well-to-do
 general, largely in the belief that the old  codger would
 never survive the wedding night.

 While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped
 into a black see-through nightgown and struck her most seductive
 pose on the bed.

 When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that
 he was stark naked except for earplugs, a peg on his nose and a
 condom. "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.

 "Because if there's anything I just can't stand, " he grumbled,
 "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning

Subj:     Couple Says 'Washing Machine'
          From: TheBartend on 97-08-29
 There was a couple who would say washing machine when they
 wanted sex.  On their honeymoon the groom carried his bride
 over to the bed and said honey washing machine.  She said not
 tonight honey I'm really tired from today.  Well they both
 rolled over and turned off the light to go to sleep.  As
 they were falling asleep she started thinking about how it
 is their wedding day and how much she loved him.  She rolled
 over and said honey washing machine.  The groom replied don't
 worry it was a small load so I did it by hand.

From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
 A recently completed scientific study has shown conclusive
 evidence that links the eating of certain foods with reduced
 sex drive in women. The food at the top of the list was
 wedding cake.

Subj:     Judi Buys Deodorant For Jon
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #232 on 97-10-25
 Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store
 looking at the men's toiletries.  A clerk comes up to help
 her and asks if she needs assistance.

 "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband
 Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

 The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

 "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."


 A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals that 77% of all newlywed
 couples do this.  Sex in rooms other than the bedroom.

 A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love
 while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

 In the state of Washington there is a law against having
 sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the
 wedding night)

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/11/2010 (S682b)
 Jill: You wouldn't believe how inexperienced with
       women my ex was when we first married.
 Mary: How bad was he?
 Jill: On our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.

From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04 (S403b - greek)
 Q: What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets
    on her wedding night?
 A: A new last name.

                           -(o o)-
.............................Smileys on their Honeymoon from Smiley_Central.