Subj: Wedding-Honeymoon Jokes
(Includes 36 jokes and articles, 11982n,2,cf.md4YT2,1)
Click "Here" for Wedding-Honeymoon-Supp
Short Honeymoon Jokes
..............................Old Couple Go On Honeymoon (S403b)
..............................First Honeymoon Night (S385, S681)
..............................Bride Demands Manners (S268c)
..............................Retiree Goes On Honeymoon w/Showgirl (S181)
..............................Couple Says 'Washing Machine'
..............................Judi Buys Deodorant For Jon
Also see BIRD-PARROT - 'Newly
Weds And The Parrot'
COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride'
......................- 'Texan And His Bride Get A Room'
......................- 'Cowboy And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Doctor Gives Sex Talk To Naive Groom'
Elderly1-Supp- 'How To Handle A Husband'
ELDERLY2 - 'Grandfather Explains Sex To Grandson'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
GOLF2 file - 'Golfer And His Bride On The Honeymoon'
HAHDICAPPED - 'Two Deaf People Get Married'
ITALIAN file - 'Two Italian Virgins Get Married'
KIDS4 file - 'Preparation for Parenthood'
KNIGHT file - 'King Arthur And What Women Want'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Fifth Marriage'
NEW YORKER - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
REDNECK3 file- 'Rednecks Get Married'
STORIES-SUPP - 'The Window From Which We Look'
WEDDING file - (See whole file)
VASELINE file- 'Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon'
Subj: The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S983)
Created by Scott Hilburn on 9/25/2013
George Younce Sings 'Side By Side' (S720d)
From: allenbergman on 10/30/2010
to hear this very funny song about a honeymoon
by George Younce. George Younce (February 22, 1930 -
April 11, 2005) was an American singer, known for performing
with Southern Gospel quartets, especially The Cathedrals.
The second source is ten minutes long and contains much
more than just the 'Side By Side' song.
Subj: Honeymooners Receive Two Tickets (S620c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/20/2008
A young couple got married and
went away on their honeymoon.
After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of
the presents they received from friends and family. Since
this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver
went into the closet, items were put on the walls for
display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in
the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in
the mail two tickets for a
popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They
were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person
who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a
small piece of paper with a single line.
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying
to identify the donor, but
failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had
a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still
trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found
the house stripped of every article of value. And on the
bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which
was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
"Now you know!"
Subj: Bride Charges Husband (S489)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/30/2006
On their wedding night, the young
bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
This scenario was repeated each
time they made love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for
her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one
day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few
minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a
process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It
was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a
bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly
$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more
than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these
were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with
evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally
he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what
you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
Subj: New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar (S468)
From: auntiegah on 1/7/2006
A couple had only been married
for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer,
my love?" She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
The husband didn't know what
to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar..
you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence,
because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale,
said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie
Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the
bar...you know, there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie
Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
Subj: Bride Disappears For Two Days (S413b)
From: JokesUncut on 12/28/2004
A couple just got married, and
when the husband went back to
his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got
very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared
the man returned home to
find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up
to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men
kidnapped me and had wild sex
with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's
only been two days what do
you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
Subj: Honeymoon Of A 85 Year Old And A 25 Year Old (S340)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/31/2003
At 85 years of age, Morris marries
Lou Anne, a lovely 25-
year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides
that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate
bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged
husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure
enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris,
her 85-year old groom.
They have sex and all goes well,
Morris takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes,
Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Morris, who looks happy and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou
Anne consents for more sex. When the newlyweds are done,
Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again,
but aha you guessed it,
Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh
as a 25-year old. And once again they have sex. But as
Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him: "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well
and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your
age who could only have sex once .
Morris, somewhat embarrassed,
turns to Lou Anne and says: "You
mean I was here already?"
Subj: Sex Compared To Prison (S315, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2003
On their honeymoon night, the
bride turns to her husband
and says, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don't know
anything about sex, so I'm a little nervous. Would you
explain it to me first?"
"Sure, Sweetheart," the husband
replies. "Putting it
simply, we'll call your private place 'the prison', and
we'll call my private thing 'the prisoner'. What we do
is this....we put the prisoner in the prison."
They then make love for the first
time. Afterwards, the
husband sprawls out on the bed, face up, with a look of
satisfaction on his face.
A few minutes later, the bride
nudges him and giggles,
"Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
He turns on his side and with
a big grin, says, "Well,
we'll just have to re-imprison him."
After making love the second
time, the husband rolls over
and reaches for a cigarette. The wife, however, is
thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love.
Giving him a seductive smile, she purrs, "Honey, the
prisoner's out again!"
Mustering up all the strength
he can, the husband rises to
the occasion once more, then lays back on the bed, totally
Once more, the wife nudges him
and says, "Honey, the
prisoner's escaped again"
With his last bit of strength,
the husband turns his head
and yells, "It's not life imprisonment!"
Subj: Doing The Laundry (S312, S582c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/6/2003
A young couple got married. On
their honeymoon, they were
very anxious about having sex because they were both
virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were
a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came
up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of
This made them both more comfortable
with the whole concept.
Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful.
They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the
middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was
ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife
and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was
She told him that she just couldn't
do it again just yet.
May be in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke
feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't
unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do
the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said,
"Honey, I'm sorry I denied
you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It
was a small load... I did it
Subj: Chinese Wedding Night (S305, S582b)
From: coreymac on 11/26/2002
A Chinese couple gets married-and
she's a virgin. Truth
be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding
night, she covers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time
and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting
you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which
he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows
and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and
unsure, "I want . numba 69.
More thoughtful silence, this
time from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he queries.............. "You want...
Beef wif Broccori?"
Subj: Couple Wait For Wedding Night (S248, DU)
From: dogbyte on 10/30/2001
John and Mary had been high school
sweethearts, but they
never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years,
and finally the big day
rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out
of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I
have my period, and I don't want our first time to be
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes
up at 3:00 am to get a
drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide
awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said
"You might as well go
"I would, except my dick's so
hard there's not enough
skin left to close my eyes!"
Subj: Bride And Groom Each Have A Secret (S156, S582)
From: KMacinty on 02/11/2000
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never
before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his
fear, decided to ask his
father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned
about the success of my marriage. I love my fiance, very
much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid
that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all
you have to do is wash your feet
as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her
fear, decided to take her
problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled,
"everyone has bad breath in
"No, you don't understand.
My morning breath is so bad, I'm
afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the
same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try
this. In the morning, get
straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've
brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally
married in a beautiful
ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received,
he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about
six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband
wakes with a start to
find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the
consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride
and without thinking, she
immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Subj: The Code (S154)
From: collins2 on 01/14/2000
Mrs. Smith has three daughters
who are all getting married
within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters
to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing
their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using
newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know
how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and
the second day a telegram
arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper
and checks the Maxwell Coffee
House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..."
So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets
married. After a week, there
is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs.
Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:
"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding.
Mrs. Smith is anxious
because two weeks have passed and still no message from the
third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with
the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the
British Airways ad, but this
time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN
DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
Subj: Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon (S146, S357)
From: thebartend on 11/15/1999
and From: DoctorDebt on 11/29/2003
A guy out on the golf course
takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have
to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next
week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was
an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this
to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This
was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the
first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips
it out and says, "Look at this,
it's still in the crate!"
Subj: Three Sisters Honeymoon At Home (S113)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #295 on 3/24/99
Three sisters decided to get
married on the same day to save
their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further
step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to
spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother
couldn't sleep, so she went
to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed
by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially
on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest
daughter's room and heard
her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to
Finally, she slipped by her youngest
daughter's room where
she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had
gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last
night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said
if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart,"
the mother assured
her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you
laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother
smiled, remembering her
newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning
to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room
"Mom, don't you remember? You
always told me to never talk
with my mouth full."
Subj: Three Sisters Write After Homeymoons (S179, S349)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00
and From: LABLaughs.com on 9/29/2003
A mother had three daughters
and on their wedding day, she
would ask each of them to write home and tell her about
their married life.
The first wrote back on the second
day after she got married.
The letter arrived with only a single message, "Maxwell
Coffeehouse." The Mother was confused at first, but finally
noticed a Maxwell coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said;
"Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got
married and after a week she
sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read;
"Rothmans." So the Mother looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it
says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." The Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got
married, the Mother was anxious
to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a
message to arrive. When it did the message simply said
"BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was concerned. She frantically
looked through all the newspapers at home for a British
Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Subj: Marol's Wedding Night Near Mama (S77, S668b)
From: thebartend on 98-07-20
Marol spent her wedding night
in her family home. As was
the tradition for many years in her Italian family, the
bride's mother would be in the room next door just in case
she needed the answer to any nervous questions.
Mama's last word of advice before
Marol went in to the bridal
chamber to consumate her marriage was " Marol, you have a any
a problem you come and a see Mama"
So later when Marol unbuttoned
his shirt, she turned pale,
jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he has hair
all over his chest! Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "Men
have a hair on their chest. This is a sign of a good a man,
go now and a make him a happy."
When Marol's husband started
unbutton her shirt, she went
pale again, jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he
is trying to undress me! Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He
must a undress you if he a gonna make a real woman out a you.
He is a good a man Marol, go now and a make him a happy.
All went well until her husband
took off his shoes. He was
wearing a prostectic foot (he was missing half of his right
foot because of a childhood accident) Marol, pale once again
jumped up, running to the door said "Mama, Mama he has a foot
and a half!
Mama says" Stand a back Marol this is a job for Mama!!"
Subj: Newlyweds Take Each Other's Picture
On their first night to be together,
the newlywed couple go
to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens
her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so
I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe
and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
Subj: Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon (S231b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #243
and From: thebartend on 7/2/2001
A man met a beautiful lady and
he decided he wanted to marry
her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about
He said, "That's all right, we'll
learn about each other as
we go along." She consented, and they were married, and
went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying
by the pool when he got up off
his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two
and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost
without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in
jackknife position before he again straightened out and
cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the
pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off
at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was
already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps
in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about
thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance
"No." she said, "I was a hooker
in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal."
Subj: Carpenter, Electrician And Dentist Play Tricks
From: thebartend on 98-04-16
A carpenter, an electrician,
and a dentist had a mutual friend
who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each
was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.
The electrician decided to wire
up the marriage bed so that
when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.
The carpenter planned to saw
partly through the bed frame so
that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.
And as the wedding approached,
the dentist was still scratching
his head and trying to come up with something.
After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends:
"I didn't mind too much when
we got zapped," he told them, "and
we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in hell
put Novocain in the Vaseline?"
Subj: Bride Had Been With Arnold Palmer
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-21
A couple was on their honeymoon,
laying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession to make-- I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Arnold Palmer the golfer?"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went
to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make
passionate love. When they
get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry.
I was going to call room
service and get some food."
"Arnie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone
and goes back to bed to make
love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets
up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still
hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."
"Arnie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone
and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired
and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to
dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"
Subj: Three Honeymooning Couples In Suites
Three newly wed couples had honeymoon
suites side by side
with a common balcony. In the first as they get undressed
the new husband says "my god haven't you got huge tits" at
which the bride took offence and kicked him out onto the
In the second room as they disrobed
the guy say's "good
heavens, what a gigantic arse". Again offence is taken
and he is kicked out onto the balcony also.
While these two are sitting on
the balcony side by side,
the third chap comes flying through the window to join them.
One of the others says "..and did you put your foot in it as
well". The third husband reply "NO... BUT I COULD HAVE DONE
Subj: Where Are We Now?
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-26
A honeymooning couple was passing
through Louisiana. When
they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for
As they stood at the counter,
the man said, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very
slowly pronounce where we are".
The guy behind the corner leaned
over and said, "Burrrrrrrr
Subj: Bride Sees Groom For First Time (S16, S320)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #25
and From: Marshal B. verbally
A young couple left the church
and arrived at the hotel
where they were spending the first night of their honey-
moon. They opened the bottle of champagne and began
undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet
"I had tolio as a child," he said.
"You mean Polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with
this explanation, and they
continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants,
his bride wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your
knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed".
"As a child, I also had kneasles." he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange
illness that only affected
The new bride had to be satisfied
with this answer. As the
undressing continued, her husband at last removed his under-
wear. "Don't tell me," she said, "Let me guess, Small Cox."
Subj: Middle Aged Couple Marry (S22, S329)
From: ipkis on 97-06-12
and From: tadams96 on 5/21/2003
and 'Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages' in MARRIAGE3)
A middle aged man and woman meet,
fall in love, and decide
to get married. On their wedding night they settle into
the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her
new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a
The startled groom says "How
can that be? You've been married
3 times before."
The bride responds... "Well you
see it was this way: My
first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to
do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist
and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he ever
wanted to do was...............God I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
Subj: Newly Wed Couple And Their Pants (S139, S822)
From: ginafm on 9/19/2008
and From: tom on 10/9/201
Mike was going to be married
to Karen, so his father sat
him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell
you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here, try these on'. She did and said, 'These are too
big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the
pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that
night we have never had any problems.'
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought
that might be good thing to
On his honeymoon, Mike took off
his pants and said to Karen,
'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are
too large, they don't fit me. '
'Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear
the pants in this family, and
I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her pants,
and handed them to Mike. She
said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't
get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you
don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.'
"They lived happily ever after."
Subj: Groom Leaves Money For Bride
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
A couple return from their honeymoon
and it's obvious to
everyone that they are not talking to each other. The
groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong,
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love
on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I
put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about
that too much," said his friend
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't
expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get
over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
Subj: Short Honeymoon Jokes
Subj: Old Couple Go On Honeymoon (S403b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
An old man and old woman got married and went on their
honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex
for the first time and the old woman said I should tell
you I have acute angina. The old man says I hope so,
you sure don't have cute tits.
Subj: First Honeymoon Night (S385, S681b)
From: mrx on 6/8/2004
and From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/27/2010
"I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom as he
lay beside his bride in the darkness of their honeymoon
suite. "Am I the first man to sleep with you?"
"You will be, darling," answered
his bride, "if you
Subj: Bride Demands Manners (S268c)
From: dogbyte on 3/20/2002
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality,
the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is
that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband
whispered. "Now would
you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
Subj: Retiree Goes On Honeymoon w/Showgirl (S181)
From: thebartend on 7/20/00
A flashy showgirl married a 97 year old retired well-to-do
general, largely in the belief that the old codger would
never survive the wedding night.
While her new husband was in
the bathroom, the woman slipped
into a black see-through nightgown and struck her most seductive
pose on the bed.
When the old man finally emerged,
she was startled to see that
he was stark naked except for earplugs, a peg on his nose and a
condom. "Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.
"Because if there's anything
I just can't stand, " he grumbled,
"it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning
Subj: Couple Says 'Washing Machine'
From: TheBartend on 97-08-29
There was a couple who would say washing machine when they
wanted sex. On their honeymoon the groom carried his bride
over to the bed and said honey washing machine. She said not
tonight honey I'm really tired from today. Well they both
rolled over and turned off the light to go to sleep. As
they were falling asleep she started thinking about how it
is their wedding day and how much she loved him. She rolled
over and said honey washing machine. The groom replied don't
worry it was a small load so I did it by hand.
From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
A recently completed scientific study has shown conclusive
evidence that links the eating of certain foods with reduced
sex drive in women. The food at the top of the list was
Subj: Judi Buys Deodorant For Jon
From: humorlist-digest V1 #232 on 97-10-25
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store
looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help
her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant
for my new husband
Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his
A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals
that 77% of all newlywed
couples do this. Sex in rooms other than the bedroom.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes
it a crime to make love
while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In the state of Washington there
is a law against having
sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/11/2010 (S682b)
Jill: You wouldn't believe how inexperienced with
women my ex was when we first married.
Mary: How bad was he?
Jill: On our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
(S403b - greek)
Q: What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets
on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
.............................Smileys on their Honeymoon from Smiley_Central.