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Subj:     Women1 Jokes
                 (Includes 27 jokes and articles, 25 1028n,10,cf,wXT4,5)

Blader from
AGAG Animation Gallery
 "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

Includes the following:  Silence - Photograph (902)
.........................Woman Picks Up Hitch Hiker
.........................Man And Woman In Falling Elevator
.........................50 of the Most Beautiful Women Ever - Morphing (S900)
.........................Lady Loses Her Handbag (S328, S870)
.........................Lady Loses Her Handbag II (S340b, DU)
.........................Smack The Pony - Video (S506c, S871)
.........................Women Empowerment (S313b, DU)
.........................Maxine: That Grand Old Girl! (S408b)
.........................Wild Women of Whippoorwill - Video (S619)
.........................Two Women In The Locker Room (S741)
.........................Three Women In The Locker Room (S15)
.........................The Seven Dwarves of Menopause - Cartoon (S478b)
.........................Picking A Secretary (S382b)
.........................Two Las Vegas Showgirls (DU)
.........................Three Women Discussing Boyfriends (DU)
.........................16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day (S589)
.........................A Woman Says Yes For Money (S413, S741)
.........................Widow Farmer And Two Skiers (S226, S643c)
.........................Woman Pressure - Photo (S432)
.........................Georgeous Woman At Roulette Table
.........................Two Nude Girls And Blind Man
.........................Acting School Cartoon (S563c)
.........................Horny Woman (S21)
.........................Sunbathing On The Roof (S304)
.........................The Joy of Bicycling - Video (S619b)
.........................I'm Glad I'm A Woman
.........................In Praise Of Older Women (S39, S537b)
.........................20 Things Women Do That Men Don't Know About (S896)

Also see ARAB file    - 'What Should We Do With Bin Laden?'
         ARKANSAS     - 'Woman Shot In Car'
         ASIA file    - 'Hindu Women's Red Spot'
         BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting From Sickly Father'
         BAR1 file    - 'A Girl Named Carmen'
         BAR2 file    - 'Four Ladies Pay Dancer'
         BEARS file   - 'Wanna Be A Bear???'
......................- 'Three Bears Come Down For Breakfast'
         BICYCLE file - 'Why Bicycles are Better than Women'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Boyfriend Is Buying Flowers'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Cosmetic Surgery'
         BODY PARTS   - 'When Our Body Grows Old'
......................- 'Two Women Discuss Cosmetic Surgery'
         Breast file  - 'Chris Pays $100 To See Nora's Breasts'
......................- 'Mammogram'
         BUMPERSTICKRS- 'Woman's Bumper Stickers'
         CARS3 file   - 'Bad License Plate'
         CABDRIVER    - 'Nude Woman Hails Cab'
         CANDY file   - 'Why Chocolate Is Better Than Men'
......................- 'Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex'
         CARS3 file   - 'Women Only Parking Lots'
......................- 'Crazy Female Drivers'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Top 10 Women Drivers of the Year'
         CAT1 file    - 'Cats Are Like?'
         CATHOLIC file- 'Catholic Ladies Discuss Their Sons'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Woman - A Chemical Analysis'
         CHURCH file  - 'PMS In The Bible'
         CLOTHING file- 'Tide Gets The Stains Out'
......................- 'Victoria's Secret Secrets'
......................- 'Man Buys Gloves For Woman'
         CLOTHING-SUPP- 'Advice from a Singer Sewing Machine Manual from 1949'
......................- 'American Legion Magazine' - Cartoon
         COLLEGE1 file- 'School Letters'
......................- 'College Freshmen Women Students'
         COMPUTER     - 'Wife 1.0'
......................- 'Why Computers Are Better Than Women'
......................- 'Six Reasons Computers Must Be Female...'
         DATING1 file - 'How To Get Rid Of A One Night Stand'
         DATING3 file - 'Asking Your Date To Marry You'
         DIFFERENCES1 - 'Dave Barry On Beauty'
......................- 'Female Brain Cell In A Man'
......................- 'Why Men Will Never Win'
......................- 'The Differences Between A Man And A Woman'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Geography Of A Woman/Man'
......................- 'Girl's/Boy's Prayers'
......................- 'Stages Of Life'
......................- 'What Men Want And What Women Want'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Women And Men'
......................- 'He Said/ She Said'
......................- 'How To Speak About Men And Women'
......................- 'How To Impress A Woman Or Man'
......................- 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'Secrets Of Women's Language'
......................- 'The Many Moods of Mars and Venus'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Man Changes His Sex'
......................- 'Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Woman Has Face Lift'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Seeing A Doctor About Passing Money'
......................- 'Woman Given Testosterone'
         DOG2 file    - 'Why Dogs Are Better Than Women'
......................- 'How Dogs And Women Are Alike'
......................- 'How Women Are Better Than Dogs'
         DOG3 file    - 'Woman Complains To Vet About Dog'
         DRAWNGS-MATH5- 'Einstein And Women'
         DRINKING     - 'Men And Women On Wine'
         DRINKING-SUPP- '1919 Anti-Drinking Photograph/Poster'
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Why A BEER Is Better Than A Woman'
         ELDERLY file - 'Mother And Grandmother's Hedgehogs Seen By Son'
.........EDEN file    - 'If God Made Eve First'
         ENGLISH file - 'English Professor And Punctuation'
......................- 'If English Words Had Gender'
         FARMER2 file - 'The Widow Farmer And The Gay Ranch Hand'
         FAT file     - 'Two Fat Ladies Exercies And Talk'
         FIREMAN file - 'Short Firefighter'
         FOOTBALL-SUPP- 'NFL Quarterbacks' Names'
         GENIE file   - 'Man Wishes For Road To Hawaii'
......................- 'Three Stranded Women Find Genie'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Lady Golfer Stung By Bee'
         GOD2 file    - 'When God Created Mothers'
......................- 'Woman Calls God From Hell'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Two Women Pee In A Graveyard'
         HANDYCAPPED  - 'Woman Places Add For Lover'
         HEADLINES-ADS- 'Real Meanings of Personal Ad Codes'
         HOOKER file  - 'Mother, Daughter, And The Cabbie'
         HOWMANY file - 'How Many Women w/PMS... To Change A Light Bulb?'
         HOTEL file   - 'Hotel For Women'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women'
         JUDGE file   - 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Girl Asks Mother Embarrassing Questions'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Girl Asked Mom About White Hair'
         KNIGHT file  - 'King Arthur And What Women Want'
.........LETTERS2 file- 'Dear Tide'
         LISTS file   - 'Things The Perfect Woman Would Say'
......................- 'The Last 10 Things A Woman Would Ever Say'
......................- 'Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:'
         LISTS-SUPP   - '30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man'
         LOVE-SUPP    - 'Beautiful Women Of Our Time'
......................- 'To All The Girls I've Loved' - PPS
         MANNERS-ADVIC- 'Friendly Advice To Men'
......................- 'Cleaning Tips III'
         MATH3 file   - 'Equation Women Are Problems'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Tits And Toilet Paper'
.........MARRIAGE3    - 'Woman Discusses Her Four Marriages'
......................- 'Fifth Marriage'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'The Game Of Romance: How To Keep Score'
......................- 'How To Be A Good Wife??'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Rekindling A Relationship'
         MEN1 file    - 'You Know You're An Adult When ...'
         MEN2 file    - 'A Man Doesn't Say...'
......................- 'Rate Yourself w/Women'
         MEN3 file    - 'A Man's "50 Rules For Women"'
......................- 'Ten Things Men Know For Sure About WOMEN'
         MEN4 file    - 'Hormone Hostage'
......................- 'Three Guys Discuss Controlling Wives'
......................- 'Cute, Handsome And Ugly Men'
         MENQUESTIONS - 'Who Needs A Man'
......................- 'Male Or Female?'
......................- '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
         MOTHERS file -  (see the whole file)
......................- 'Son Brings Home His Future Bride'
         MUSIC2-SUPP  - 'Janis Joplin's Final Interview' - Video/Animation
         NAT-STATES-SP- 'Four Women On A Drive'
         NATIVE AMERIC- 'The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman'
         NUDIST file  - 'Policeman Breaks Up Women's Party in Israel'
......................- 'Women Grows Red Tomatoes'
         HARLEY file  - 'Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'A Great White'
         PENIS file   - 'Three Women Compete'
.........PLANE1 file  - 'Last Wish Before A Plane Crash'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'Priest And A Hair Dryer On A Plane'
         POLICE1 file - 'CHP Officer Stops Woman'
         POLICE2 file - 'Drunk Follows Woman'
         PREGNANT file-  (See the whole file)
         PUSSY file   - 'Women And Orange Juice Cartons'
         REDNECK2 file- 'Redneck Women'
         SANTA file   - 'Santa's Reindeer'
......................- 'Santa Is A Woman!'
         SEX3 file    - 'Deli Sex'
......................- 'Women's Multiple Orgasms'
......................- 'Woman's Sex Contract'
         SHIPS file   - 'Woman Stowaway On Ship'
         StarTrekSpac2- 'Monkeys In Space'
         TRAIN-SUPP   - 'The Frantics - Her First Period' - Video
         TREE file    - 'Lady Slides Down Tree And See Doctor'
         THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Daffodils'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Fortune Telling Machine At Bus Stop'
......................- 'Loosing Your Purse On A Bus'
......................- 'Helping A Lady On The Bus'
         WomenBttrThn - 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands'
......................- 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands II'
......................- 'Why Coffee Is Better Than Women' and others

WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Silence - Photograph (902d)
          From: MTC-Ted Photography on Facebook
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/Ciiiphotography/photos/pb.6302151370
.........21534.-2207520000.1399224488./707255772650803/?type=3?theater
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Click 
 to see the full photograph.
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Top
Subj:     Woman Picks Up Hitch Hiker

 A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening
 when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride.  She picked him
 up and they got to talking.

 "What do you do?" she asked him.

 "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."

 "Oh, does that mean you are available?"

Top
Subj:     Man And Woman In Falling Elevator

 (See 'Last Wish Before A Plane Crash' in PLANE1)

 This man and a woman are alone (together) in an elevator
 going to the top of the empire state.  Anyway as they
 almost reach the very top the elevator the cable snaps!
 As they are plunging to their deaths.  The woman faces
 the man and says: "Before I die, I want you to make me
 feel like a woman".

 The man grabs his shirt, rips it off, and throws it on the
 ground.  He then points to it and says "Okay, Iron that!"

Top
Subj:     50 of the Most Beautiful Women Ever - Morphing (S900d)
          Posted by HerBunk
          From: tom on 4/14/2014
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Q5XetQeFu-0

 This video shows my nominations for 50 of the most beautiful
 movie stars ever.  The accompanying song "Different Dreams"
 was written by Richard Kates and sung by Claire Moore.  The
 morph sequence was created using FantaMorph.  Click 'HERE'
 to see these beauties.

Top
Subj:     Lady Loses Her Handbag (S328, S870)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/7/2003

 A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the
 mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned
 it to her.  Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm,
 that's funny.  When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill
 in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

 The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady.  The last
 time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change
 for a reward."

Top
Subj:     Lady Loses Her Handbag II (S340b, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2003

 As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under
 the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that
 the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up,
 several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed
 me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing
 the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost
 wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find
 everything there."

 As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook,
 the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even
 though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into
 your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Top
Subj:     Smack The Pony (S506c, S871d)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/5/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/mMu0kqPo13M

 This is a female fantasy video clip about a sexy, male,
 window washer.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Women Empowerment (S313b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-31
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 1/30/2003

 At an international women's conference the topic for
 discussion was how to empower women in the home.

 The first speaker was the British representative.  She
 stood up and said; "I decided to make a stand against
 my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would
 no longer be doing the washing.  After the first day I
 saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but
 after the third day he did his own washing."  The
 delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.

 The second speaker was from America.  She stood up and
 said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared
 to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement.  After
 the first day I saw no result, after the second day I
 saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal
 for the both of us."  Again the conference applauded.

 Next came the Australian delegate.  She said; "I told
 my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping.
 After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day
 I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a
 little bit out of my left eye."

Top
Subj:     Maxine: That Grand Old Girl! (S408b)
          From: hellgunner50 on 11/11/2004

 (See COMIC5 and COMIC6 for thirteen Maxine comics)

 1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell
    phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for
    making gestures."
 2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It
    burns my buns."
 3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the
    nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors
    as quickly as possible."
 4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a
    nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one
    who is muscular and shirtless." *****
 5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking
    for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for
    as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,
    like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when
    needed." ****
 6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has
    really improved over the years. Now I can nail a
    co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band
    at 20 yards." *****
 7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea
    of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
 8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a
    grain of salt This works much better if the salt
    accompanies a large margarita ******

Top
Subj:     Wild Women of Whippoorwill (S619d)
          From: rfslick on 10/28/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/CZiSAdCd5NA

 This home video is hilarious.  The laughter of the women
 of the women participants is contagious.  Click 'HERE'
 to see getting the pole in the hole contest in a camp-
 ground in North Carloina.

Top
Subj:     Two Women In The Locker Room (S741)
          From: Playboy in January of 1997

 Two women were dressing in the locker room after their
 aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling
 on a pair of men's briefs.  "So when did you start wearing
 men's underwear?" the first asked.

 "Ever since my husband found a strange pair under the bed."

Top
Subj:     Three Women In The Locker Room (S15)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-13

 Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
 racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
 nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

 He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis.
 "He's not my husband," she says.

 He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his
 penis. "He's not my husband either."  She says, also not
 recognizing the equipment.

 He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he
 runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a
 member of this club."

Top
Subj:     The Seven Dwarves of Menopause (S478b)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/16/2006
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Top
Subj:     Picking A Secretary (S382b)

 (See 'Picking A Wife' in MARRIAGE3)

 An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified,
 to fill one vacancy.  "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give
 them an honesty test.  He gave each secretary a money bag to
 take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag.  (In
 fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

 The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money,
 banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

 The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra
 money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip
 as proof.

 The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money,
 banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300,
 then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the
 money.

 Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
 Answer: The one with the biggest tits!

Top
Subj:     Two Las Vegas Showgirls (DU)
          From: Playboy January 1997

 Two Las Vegas showgirls were putting on their makeup.  One
 sported a huge diamond ring.

 "Connie," the other remarked, eyeing the bauble, "you're so
 lucky to have found the right guy.  Where'd you meet him?"

 "We met at a bar," she replied. "It was love at second sight."

 "Second sight?"

 "Yeah," Connie replied.  "The first time I saw him, I didn't
 know he was rich."

Top
Subj:     Three Women Discussing Boyfriends (DU)

 These three women were sitting around one night talking about
 there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men
 nicknames based on types of soda.

 The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew"
 because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to
 do it!"

 The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because
 he has seven inches and it is always up!"

 The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
 The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels?  But that's a
 hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Top
Subj:     16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day
          From: rfslick on 4/27/2008  (S589 in Cats1)

 These sixteen cat pictures and sayings are quite cute.
 You can view them by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     A Woman Says Yes For Money (S413, S741)
          From: JokesUncut on 12/21/2004

 (see "Appartment For Rent" in HOOKER file)

 Two fairly good looking young men were in a bar getting pretty
 drunk when in walked a young woman.  One gent turned to the
 other and remarked, "I'd give $500.00 to spend the night with
 that woman."  Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard
 the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on
 that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after
 bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young
 lady to her apartment.  The following morning, the man presented
 her with $250.00 as he prepared to leave.  She demanded the rest
 of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $250.00,
 I'll sue you for it."  He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you
 get it on these grounds."

 The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering
 his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to
 his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said:
 "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds,
 but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

 After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the
 court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner
 of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse
 growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
 defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $500.00.
 The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively
 for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the
 premises, he paid only $250.00, one-half the amount agreed upon.
 The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and
 we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment
 of the balance."

 The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
 opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was some-
 what different from the way he originally planned to present it.
 "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine
 piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and
 a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.  However,
 my client found a well on the property around which he placed his
 own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
 personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property
 were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff
 was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, there-
 fore, ask that judgement not be granted."

 The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client
 agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However,
 had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never
 have rented the property.  Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
 defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the
 pump with him.  In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment
 through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was
 prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to
 others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." She won the
 case.

Top
Subj:     Widow Farmer And Two Skiers (S226, S643c)
          From: agrief on 5/25/2001
      and From: tom on 5/8/2009

 Miles and Jonathan decide to go skiing one weekend, so they
 load up Miles' station wagon and head toward the Sierras.
 After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible
 blizzard.

 They pull up to an enormous farmhouse and ask the attractive
 lady of the house if they can spend the night.  "I'm recently
 widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will
 talk if I let you stay in my house." Jonathan asked, "We'll
 be happy to sleep in one of your barns, if that's okay."

 Nine months later, Jonathan receives a letter from the widow's
 attorney.  He calls up his friend Miles and says, "Say, Miles,
 do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed
 at?"

 "Uh, yes, I do."

 "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
 to the house and have sex with her?"

 "Yes, I have to admit that I did."

 "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

 Miles' face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

 "Well, thanks a lot, Buddy!...she just died and left me her farm."

Top
Subj:     Woman Pressure (S432)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/5/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     Georgeous Woman At Roulette Table

 (See 'Nude Craps' in GAMES)

 A gorgeous woman wearing a fur coat goes to the roulette
 table and begins placing bets.  After the wheel comes to
 a stop, the croupier places a huge pile of chips on the
 winning number.  She leans forward, her fur coat falls
 open revealing she's totally nude, she picks up the huge
 stack of chips and waltzes out with them.  The croupier
 turns to the pit boss and says, "Was that her number?"
 The pit boss says, "Don't you know?".

Top
Subj:     Two Nude Girls And Blind Man
          From: Kelly's Bar Jokes

 One day these two girls were hired to clean this guys house.
 While they were there the AC broke so one of the girls said,
 "Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take
 off our clothes."  The other girl agreed.  So they took
 their clothes off.  Later that day they heard a knock at the
 door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was.
 "Blind man," the person answered.  The girl said, "Hey, since
 he's blind he can't see us."  She let him in.  As soon as the
 blindman stepped in he said, "nice tits where do you want
 these blinds."

Top
Subj:     Acting School Cartoon (S563c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/5/2007
 Source: (Removed from buffalosjokes.com)
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Top
Subj:     Horny Woman (S21)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97

 A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back
 seat.  They make love, but the girl wants it again and the
 guy complies.  She wants more and they do it again.  She
 still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I
 have to relieve myself."

 While out of the car he notices a man half a block away
 changing a flat.  He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal
 in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and
 she still wants more....!  I'll change your flat if you'll
 take over for me."

 So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the
 "High Numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines
 a light on them.

 The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"

 The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

 The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

 The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it
 was my wife until you shined the light on her."

Top
Subj:     Sunbathing On The Roof (S304)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
      and From: thebartend on 11/25/2002

 Joan, a rather well-proportioned ? near-sighted secretary,
 spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of
 her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit the first few days,
 but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

 After several days she decided that no one could see her
 way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall
 tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up
 the stairs; she was lying on her stomach,  so she just
 pulled a towel over her rear.

 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant
 manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the
 stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the
 roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
 bathing suit as you have for the past week."

 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
 "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with
 a towel."

 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're
 lying on the dining room skylight."
 

Top
Subj:     The Joy of Bicycling (S619b in Bicycle)
          From: darrellvip on 11/19/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/41eutWXaX0w

 This cute, off-color video will show you one of
 the joys of bicycling.  Click 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     I'm Glad I'm A Woman
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #210 on 97-09-28

 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true

Top
Subj:     In Praise Of Older Women (S39, S537b)
          (which in our society means over 25)
          From: Imogenelumen on 10/8/2003
      and From: Carfal on 5/2/2007

 (Also see 'Advice To A Young Man On The Choice Of A Mistress'
............in THOUGHTS-QUOTED)

 Frank Kaiser says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over
 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will
 laugh.  A younger woman wearing the same hat will always
 look like a lampshade in a brothel.

 An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the
 night to ask you, "What are you thinking?"  An older woman
 doesn't care what you think.

 An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency
 supplies.  Young women go hungry and bleed to death every
 time there's a natural disaster.

 An older woman always carries a condom in her purse.  A
 younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

 An older woman is a cheaper date.  A younger woman will
 cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you
 after a cup of a herbal tea.

 The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and
 the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which
 is why nature intended young guys to go out with older
 women and young women to go out with older men.  Older
 women have superior sexual stamina. ?already knew this
 ohhh yes I did, wink>

 An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day
 without looking like she just had an adventure inside a
 jam jar.  This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

 Older women can run faster because they're always wearing
 sensible shoes.

 An older woman is into free sex!  An older woman is almost
 always already attached to someone, so there's no need to
 develop a phobia about committing to her.  The last thing
 she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent
 lover!

 Older women are more honest.  An older woman will tell you
 that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young
 woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might
 break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

 If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an
 older woman will just mistake you for another one of her
 children and let you live at her house rent-free.  Older
 women can afford to support you.

 An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly
 demand that the two of you get married.  In fact, if you
 impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last
 to know...

 Older women have jobs with dental plans.  Younger women
 can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing
 hockey.

 An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."
 She's using you.

 Older women take charge of the situation.  An older woman
 will call you up and ask you for a date.  A younger woman
 will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

 Older women know how to cook.  Young women know how to dial
 967-1111. ?yep cook gourmet meals 7 nights a week and still
 have time to play on aol>

 An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to
 her women friends.  A younger woman with a man will often
 ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the
 guy with other women.  Older women couldn't care less.

 Older women are psychic.  You never have to confess to
 having an affair, because somehow they always know.

 Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie
 that they have acquired from admirers over the years.
 Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus
 practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

 Older women know what Kegel exercises are. ?Hav??? are
 you listening???>

 An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for
 a meal.  Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in
 front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

 Older women are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming
 match with you at the opera or in the middle of an
 expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they
 won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get
 away with it.

 Older women are experienced.  They understand that sometimes,
 after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up.  A younger woman
 may need some time to grasp this fact.

 An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them
 will want to boff you too.

 An older woman will always meet the minimum height
 requirement to go on an amusement ride.

 An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best
 years of her youth because chances are someone else has
 stolen them first. ?like husbands??>

From: gheckman on 12/21/2001

 Most older women cook well.  They care about cleanliness
 and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

 Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you
 right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.  Yes,
 we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortun-
 ately, it's not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart,
 well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in
 yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year
 old waitress.

 Ladies, I apologize for all of us.  That men are genetically
 inferior is no secret.  Count your blessings that we die off
 at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your
 lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become.  With-
 out the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and
 whining his way into your serenity.

 This commentary was written by Frank Kaiser in 2000 as
 verified by snopes.com at
 http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp

Top
Subj:     20 Things Women Do That Men Probably Don't Know About (S896)
          From: RDobry on 3/20/2014
Drawing from MutualArt.com
 Source1: http://www.tickld.com/x/45-man-tips
 Source2: http://www.funnyjunk.com/Things+women+do+that+
..........men+probably+dont/funny-pictures/5067682/

 Click 'HERE' to see this eye opening list.

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.............................From Smiley_Central
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