Subj:     Women2 Jokes
                 (Includes 26 jokes and articles, 06 1021,6,cf,wXT4,4)

Tired Woman
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  Hula Hoop Animated GIF (S1021)
.........................The Flasher - Video (S667b)
.........................All The Girls We've Loved Before (S480c)
.........................Why Women Are Crabby (S413)
.........................Womanhood (S370)
.........................Ladies Vs A Real Woman (S342)
.........................More Real Women (S347b)
.........................Three Women Discuss Sex Lives (S312)
.........................Women In Mid-Life (S286, S479)
.........................The Geography Of A Woman (S295, S563b)
.........................Women Into "S And M" (S283)
.........................Woman Fighting In Afghanistan (S247)
.........................Women's T-Shirt Slogans: (S164)
.........................What I Want In A Man (S129, S689b)
.........................What I Want In A Man II (S298, S626)
.........................Big Lady - Pictures (S453b)
.........................The Woman's Prayer (S116)
.........................A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women (S53)
.........................The Rules
.........................A Women's Little Instruction Book
.........................Maxine Cartoon (S697)
.........................Ideal Woman!
.........................Women - A Psychological Analysis
.........................The Ages Of Woman And Man (S34)
.........................Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis of Promiscuity
.........................Making A Man Irrestible To Women (S456b)

WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj:     Hula Hoop Animated GIF (S1021)
          From: Jon Pasco on Facebook on 8/5/2016
 Source: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3j9b02NNT1qedb29o1_500.gif
Subj:     The Flasher (S667b,dwmv)
          From: lubin100 on 10/15/2009
 At: http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/f_wom/w2-flasher.wmv

 A woman's purse gets stuck too high on a building and a
 flasher helps.  Click 'HERE' to see this silly, short WMV video.

Subj:     All The Girls We've Loved Before (S480c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/26/2006

 Milords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kindly raise your glasses to
 all the girls we've loved in the past.

 Brigette Bardot 71

 Stella Stevens 68

 Sophia Loren 71

 Gina Lollobrigida 78

 Deborah Kerr 94

 Lena Horne 88

 Kay Starr 83

 Patti Page 78

 Annette Funicello 63

 Barbara Eden 71

 Angie Dickenson 74

 Doris Day 81

 Joan Collins 72

 Julie Christie 64

 Leslie Caron 74

 Carroll Baker 74

 Ann-Margret 64

 Debra Padget 72

 Julie Andrews 70

 Ursula Andress 69

 Rita Moreno 74

 Jean Simmons 76

 Julie Newmar 72

 Kim Novak 72

 Jane Powell 76

 Debbie Reynolds 73

 Shirley Temple 77

 Jane Russell 84

 Kathryn Grayson 83

 Esther Williams 82

 Elke Sommer 65

 Gale Storm 83

 Jill St. John 65

 Liz Taylor 73

 Mamie Van Doren 74



Subj:     Why Women Are Crabby (S413)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/23/2004

 We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only
 to find that anything that came in contact with those tender,
 blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
 ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the
 boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

 Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
 Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got
 the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between
 our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we
 didn't even know we had.

 Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having
 sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a
 ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it
 right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse),
 leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

 Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
 crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
 entire day leaning over Brother John.  Of course, amazing
 creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with
 the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards
 night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
 Rosemary's Baby.

 Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon
 whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed.  When the
 big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions
 invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to
 waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way
 to the ER.

 Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,
 "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar.  Calm down and push.
 Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong,
 well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in
 the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
 bowling ball through a keyhole.

 After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that
 when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings
 morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
 life-sucking little poop machines.

 Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

 When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious
 sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere
 around his 18th birthday.

 So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
 Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
 cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned
 Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets
 and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

 Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when
 men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
 able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

 So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the
 Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?  Yeah
 right. Bite me.

Subj:     Womanhood (S370)
          by Unknown Brilliant Woman Author
          From: Imogenelumen on 2/18/2004

 Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them
 down and forget where they left them.  Isn't that the TRUTH!!!

 One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
 make a woman gain 5 lbs.

 My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

 The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
 really tight shoes.

 The nice part about living in a small town is that when
 you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
 by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain

 I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
 together and setting my pantyhose on fire. (loved this one)

 Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and
 it shrinks two sizes!

 Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
 like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've
 forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
 But I've never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special
 kind of stupid to forget to eat. (so true)

 A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
 pills.  She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
 about nothing and then they marry him. (another truth)

 I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
 stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving
 too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

 I know what Victoria's Secret is.  The secret is that nobody
 older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

 Celebrate Womanhood!  Share this with all of those amazingly
 brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent
 enough to call YOU their friend :-) !!!

Subj:     Ladies Vs A Real Woman (S342)
          From: janeenmarie on 8/18/2003

 Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
          rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

 Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink
          You might still have the headache, but who cares?


 Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
          of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

 Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
          cone, for Pete's sake.  You are probably lying on
          the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.


 Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple
          in the bag with the potatoes.

 Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it
          in the pantry for up to a year.


 Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
          use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
          be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

 Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate
          it for you.


 Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
          dishwashing gloves.  They give a non slip grip that
          makes opening jars easy.

 Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.


 And finally the most important tip....

 Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine.  Freeze into
          ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

 Real Woman - Leftover wine??


And remember~

 A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
 but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
 "Damn... that sure was fun!"

Subj:     More Real Women (S347b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 9/24/2003

 Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
 cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
 salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

 Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
 that's too damn bad.  Please recite with me, The Real Women's
 motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how
 bad it tastes."

 Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
 baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

 Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not
 include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.

Subj:     Three Women Discuss Sex Lives (S312)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/17/2003
 (See 'Rekindling A Relationship' in Marriage6)

 Three women were sitting around talking about their sex
 lives.  The first said, "I think my husband's like a
 championship golfer.  He's spent the last ten years
 perfecting his stroke."

 The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner
 of the Indy 500.  Every time we get into bed he gives
 me several hundred exciting laps."

 The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell
 us about your husband."

 She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like
 an Olympic gold- medal-winning quarter-miler."

 "How so?"

 "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Subj:     Women In Mid-Life (S286, S479)
          From: pns on 7/20/2002
      and From:LABLaughsAdult on 3/20/2006

          To view 'Women In Mid-Life', click 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Geography Of A Woman (S295, S563b)
          From: pns on 9/25/2002
      and From: darrellvip on 11/7/2007

 Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
 half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

 Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed
 and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

 Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
 convinced of her own beauty.

 Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but
 still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
 haunted by past mistakes.  Massive reconstruction is now

 Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders
 are unpatrolled.  The frigid climate keeps people away.

 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious
 and all conquering past but alas, no future.

 After 70, they become Afghanistan.  Most everyone knows
 where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 The Geography Of A Man

 Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by a prick.

Subj:     Women Into "S And M" (S283)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 6/27/02

 Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
 haven't seen each other since graduation.  They begin to
 talk and bring each other up to date.  The conversation
 covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
 finally gets around to their sex lives.

 Sue says "It's OK.  We get it on every week or so but it's
 no big adventure, how's yours?"

 Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S?M."

 Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
 that you would go for that."

 "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

Subj:     Woman Fighting In Afghanistan (S247)
          From: gheckman on 10/25/2001

 So true, it hurts!


 This is a great idea!

 Take all American women who are within five years of menopause
 - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,
 grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
 chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably)
 across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes

 Think about it.  Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
 standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
 formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

 We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to
 protect them and their future.  We'd like to get away from
 our husbands, if they haven't left already.  And for those
 of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man
 with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck
 by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

 We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
 carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
 saunas across America and never lost a pound.  We can
 easily survive months in the hostile terrain of
 Afghanistan with no food at all!

 We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in
 hardware stores, bars, or sporting events...finding bin
 Laden in some cave will be no problem.

 Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
 government?  Oh, please ... we've planned the seating
 arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanks-
 giving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

 Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every
 trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up
 bank accounts and money sources.  We know how to find
 that money and we know how to seize it ... with or with-
 out the government's help!

 Let us go and fight.  The Taliban hates women.  Imagine
 their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over
 their godforsaken terrain.  I'm going to write my Congress-
 woman.  You should, too!

Subj:     Women's T-Shirt Slogans: (S164)
          From: RWTmpkns on 3/18/00

    1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

    2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

    3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

    4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it
       all...  I just can't remember it all.

    5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

    6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with
       princes, seeks frog.

    7. Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are
       just better rich.

    8. Don't treat me any differently than you would
       the Queen.

    9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

   10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

   11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't
       remember anything.

   12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--
       he just couldn't please any!

   13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

   14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

   15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

   16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

   17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right
       the first time.

   18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

   19. You have the right to remain silent, so
       please SHUT UP.

   20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm
      the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it
       wants it to move).

   21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

   22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

   23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

   24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

   25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner,
       washing machine, iron, etc.)

Subj:     What I Want In A Man (S129, S689b)
          From: gheckman on 1/7/2002
      and From: tom on 3/26/2010

 Age 22:  What I Want in a Man

  1. Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially successful
  4. A caring listener
  5. Witty
  6. In good shape
  7. Dresses with style
  8. Appreciates finer things
  9. Full of thoughtful surprises
 10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
 Age 32, Revised List:  What I Want in a Man

  1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
  4. Listens more than talks
  5. Laughs at my jokes
  6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
  7. Owns at least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
 10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
 Age 42, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

  1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  4. Nods head when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
 10. Shaves most weekends
 11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
 Age 52, Revised List:  What I Want in a Man

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
  9. Remembers your name on occasion
 10. Shaves some weekends
 11. Hope for a kiss each day
 Age 62, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  4. Only snores lightly when asleep
  5. Remembers why he's laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth
 10. Remembers that it's the weekend
 11. Remembers what romance was like
 Age 72, Revised List: What I Want in a Man

 1. Breathing
 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Subj:     What I Want In A Man II (S298, S626)
          From: KMACINTY on 10/15/2002
      and From: darrellvip on 1/9/2009

 Subject: 5 Secrets to a Great Relationship

 1. It is important to find a man who works
    around the house, occasionally cooks and
    cleans and who has a job.

 2. It is important to find a man who makes
    you laugh.

 3. It is important to find a man who is
    dependable and doesn't lie.

 4. It is important to find a man who's good
    in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

 5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Subj:     Big Lady (S453b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/20/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 The question is, "What does a 320 pound woman look like?"
 Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image
 of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....

 You can view the two pictures by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Woman's Prayer (S116)
          From: Tom_Adams on 4/19/99

      Which art in Hermes,
      Hallowed be thy Gucci.
      Thy Cartier watch,
      Thy Coach and Dooney ? Burke bags,
      On Rodeo,
      As it is in Tiffany's.
      Give us this day, our Visa Titanium
      And forgive us this overdraft,
      As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard.
      Lead us not into JC Penney,
      And deliver us from Sears.
      For thine is the Channel, the Gaultier, and the Versace,
      For Dolce and Gabbana...


Subj:     A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women (S53)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have
 many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x.  In
 this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted
 sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've ever wondered

 Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?
 A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably
 has a different ideal of what her own personal Prince
 Charming should act and look like.

 However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you
 a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar.
 That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that
 smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
 watching a sports event on television.  Pick a man that
 looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
 "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles.
 Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and
 wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly.  Boldly approach him,
 offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your
 place.  He'll advise you from there.

 Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
 A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I
 suggest you tryout many different kinds of men and many
 different kinds of bars.

 Q: Do men like aggresive women?
 A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often
 shy - so it's up to you to be bold.  In addition to bars,
 don't be affraid to approach men on streetcorners, in
 restaurants, even in restrooms.  Break the ice with simple
 "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
 even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your

 Q: What if a man's married?
 A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the
 valuable experience a married man possesses, without being
 tied down by any sort of commitment.

 Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
 A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself
 pregnant.  Ask him how he feels about his wife and family.
 If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking
 of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship,
 secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his
 promise.  Married men rarely lie about such important

 Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
 A: Ask your boyfriend.  He'll know when the time is right.
 When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible,
 since they're not confused emotionally as women.  It's a
 proven fact.

 Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
 A: YES. Before if possible.

 Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
 A: Again, this is entirely up to the man.  The important
 thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells
 you without question.  Sometimes, however, he may ask you
 to do certain things that may at first seem strangeto you.
 Do them anyway.

 Q: How long should the sex act last?
 A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't
 feel ashamed or embarressed.  After your man has finished
 making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
 suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
 perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
 friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
 amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts
 with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
 you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his
 apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
 expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

 Q: What is "afterplay" ?
 A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
 replenish his manly energy.  "Afterplay" is simply a list
 of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking.
 This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
 sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
 him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
 expensive gift.

 Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
 A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
 quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not
 true.  The average erect male penis measures about six
 centimeters.  Anything longer than that is extremely rare
 and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
 centimeters or over, you should go down on yor knees and
 thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please
 him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and
 buying him an expensive gift.

 Q: What about the female orgasm ?
 A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 Q: Are you sure ?
 A: Will you stop asking so many questions?  Do you distrust
 men or something?  Instead, prove how much you care for
 your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Subj:     The Rules
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

  1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

  2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

  3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES,
     she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

  5. The Female is never wrong.

  6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of
     a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the
     Male did or said wrong.

  7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
     for causing the misunderstanding.

  8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

  9. The Male must never change his mind without the
     express, written consent of The Female.

 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at
     any time.

 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless
     the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the
     Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female
     at all times.

 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female
     meant, not what she said.

 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because
     he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void
     and the Male must cater to her every whim.

 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in
     bodily harm.

 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right,
     he must refer to Rule #5.

Subj:     A Women's Little Instruction Book
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98

  1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his
     stomach you're aiming too high.
  2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
     do-it-yourself types.
  3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
     you're sick of him.
  4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.  He
     probably lies about other things too.
  5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she
     asked her husband to do.
  6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try
  7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
     mature anyway.
  8. A man who can dress himself without looking like
     Wurzel Gummidge is Turzel Gummidge..
  9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
     so you can tell them apart.
 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the
     bath to pee.
 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
     you will usually find that he does already..
 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
     the work of five men -- a woman.
 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men --
     strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
     still use them.
 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
     potentially violent, but they make great pets.
 15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
     cells per man.
 16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
     to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
 17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
     someone else's.
 18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day
     and he will be back to his usual self.
 19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when
     they see beautiful women pass by.
 20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at
     you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the
     women behind you.
 21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle
     in a car, once you think you have it all put together,
     you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.

Subj:     Maxine (S697)
          From: darrellvip on 5/24/2010
Subj:     Ideal Woman!
          From: ipkis on 97-06-07

 See if you are the ideal woman. How many of these
 statements do you say?

  1  - Just sit there and watch the game. I don't mind.
  2  - I would love a menage a trois. I'll call my sister over.
  3  - Can I run out and buy you more beer?
  4  - Don't move, I made you breakfast in bed.
  5  - I bought you season tickets to your favorite pro team.
  6  - Yea, go out with your buddies. I don't mind watching
       TV by myself.
  7  - You take it easy. I'll wash and wax your car.
  8  - Size isn't important.
  9  - I love when you flick through the channels that fast.
 10 - Let's watch the Three Stooges.
 11 - I like your hair just the way it is.
 12 - I love you. 69 ways!
 13 - Birthdays aren't important.
 14 - You'll remember next year.
 15 - A frying pan. Just what I always wanted.
 16 - I can't think of a better vacation then
      driving to the Baseball Hall Of Fame.

 How many would you say?
 0    --- You are you are a feminist. And you know it.
 1-3  --- You are you are a feminist, but your man doesn't know it.
 4-7  --- Your man controls you.
 8-12 --- You would make a great wife.
 13-16 -- You are a man's Ideal woman. You are also a bimbo.

Subj:     Women - A Psychological Analysis

 If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
 If you don't, you are not a man
 If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
 If you don't, you are good for nothing
 If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
 If you don't, you are not understanding
 If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
 If you don't, you are half a man
 If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
 If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
 If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
 If you are not, you are a dull boy
 If you are jealous, she says it's bad
 If you aren't , she thinks you do not love her
 If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
 If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
 If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
 If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
 If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
 If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
 If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
 If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage of her
 If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
 If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
 If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
 If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
 If she talks, she wants you to listen
 If you listen, she wants you to talk

 CONCLUSION: These creatures called "WOMEN"
             So simple, yet so complex
             So weak, yet so powerful
             So confusing, yet so desirable

Subj:     The Ages Of Woman And Man (S34)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #197 on 97-09-19

 The Ages of Woman:
 1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa,
    virgin and unexplored.
 2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia,
    hot and exotic.
 3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America,
    fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free
    with her resources.
 4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe,
    exhausted but still has points of interest.
 5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's
    down there but who gives a damn?

 The Ages of Man:
 1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
 2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
 3. Over 47: Try weakly

Subj:     Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis Of Promiscuity
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173 on May 1997

 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the
 last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

 Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may
 have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

 Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as
 those who don't.

 Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by
 the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a
 bachelor's degree.

 Women who went to collage are more likely to enjoy oral
 sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

 National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

 In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of
 unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during

 Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be
 less achievement oriented.

 White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60%
 more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those
 who live with both parents.  The percentage is much lower
 for Black girls.

 Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday
 are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

 Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more
 sexually active than practicing Christians.

 Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more
 likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year
 than women with no criminal record.

 Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

 Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or
 Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

 Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come
 every time they have sex.

 White women, especially those with a college degree, are
 the most receptive to anal sex.

 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than
 one sex partner.

 (Ed's Note: So, you know what this means? Yup.  All you
 guys have to go looking for a half Aussie/half Latino
 Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline, high heels,
 smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra
 Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't
 be too hard.

Subj:     Making A Man Irrestible To Women (S456b)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/20/2005

 You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central