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>>>
Subj:     Women3 Jokes
                 (Includes 189 jokes and articles, 30943,5,cf,md4wT,2)

          Click "Here" for Women-Supp


Woman on Couch from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  Single Women Sign (S489c in Supp)
.........................Joyce Meyer Hugging The Toilet - Video (S943 in Supp)
.........................There Are No Ugly Women - Photo (S801 in Supp)
.........................Woman Has A Facelift (S775 in Supp)
.........................Woman Takes A Jamaican Vacation (S642b in supp)
.........................Understanding Women -- The 9 Phrases - Video (S594 in Supp)
.........................Menopausal Woman - Video (S491c in Supp)
.........................Why It's Better To Be A Woman (S596c)
.........................The Hormone Hostage (S492 in Supp)
.........................Woman's Dictionary (S76 in Supp)
.........................Every Woman Should Have: (S162 in Supp)
.........................Every Woman Should Know: (in Supp)
.........................Guaranteed To Be Trouble - Drawing (S481b)
.........................Women Know Your Limits - Video (S526c)
.........................Mid-Life For Women (S228, DU)
.........................PMS (S224, DU)
.........................About Women (S205, DU)
.........................A Woman's Random Thoughts (S196)
.........................Women Looking In A Mirror (S181, S670b)
.........................Benefits Of Being A Woman... (S181, S380b)
.........................Beautiful Women Month? (S272b)
.........................Beauty of a Woman
.........................M E N ! (S161)
.........................Women's Compact Instruction Booklet (S88)
.........................Quotations About Women (S282b)
.........................Quotes From Women (S32)
..............................Words From Women (S433b)
.........................Other Quotes From Women (S231b)
.........................Top Nine Things Only Women Understand (S231b)
.........................Short Jokes And One-liners About Women
..............................Men, Coffee, And Chocolate (S658b in Supp)
..............................A Woman From Latch, Poem (S630c in Supp)
..............................Why Women Stay Single - Video (S602 in Supp)
..............................Life Cycle (S592c)
..............................The Four Needs Of A Woman (S591 in Supp)
..............................OB-Gyn Phone Answering Message - Audio (S570 in Supp)
..............................Women Can't Drive - Video (S541b in Supp)
..............................My Boyfriend (S533c in Supp)
..............................If Women Ruled The World (S522b in Supp)
..............................Women's Thought On Men (S512b in Supp)
..............................Manana - Animated GIF (S456b)
..............................Out Drinking With Lady Friends (S451)
..............................Attractive Woman Formula (S364b)
..............................What Every Girl Wants (S353b)
..............................Prayer For Women (S321)
..............................What Women Think About Their Ass (S303, S582b)
..............................Women's Problems (S245b)
..............................Politically Correct Guide To The Ladies (S207)
..............................Woman's Ultimate Fantasy(S138)
..............................What Are A Woman's Three Greatest Lies?
..............................Professor's Quote About "Woman"
..............................Drunk In The Wrong Toilet
.........................Question-Answers About Women

WOMEN1 contains jokes
WOMEN2 contains list type jokes
WOMEN3 contains oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Guaranteed To Be Trouble (S481b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/6/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19970724
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Top
Subj:     Women Know Your Limits (S526c,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 2/18/2007
.

 This WMV video is so dumb and offensive that it is cute.
 You can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Mid-Life For Women (S228, DU)
          From: flovilla on 2/27/2001
 

          Moved to 'Women In Mid-Life'in Women2
 

Top
Subj:     PMS (S224, S492, DU)
          From: KMACINTY on 5/16/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 7/3/2006

 What PMS stands for:

 Pass My Shotgun
 Psychotic Mood Shift
 Pack My Stuff
 Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
 Perpetual Munching Spree
 Puffy Mid-Section
 People Make me Sick
 Provide Me with Sweets
 Pardon My Sobbing
 Pimples May Surface
 Pass My Sweatpants
 Pissy Mood Syndrome
 Plainly, Men Suck
 Poor Me Syndrome
 Premature Mental Shutdown

Top
Subj:     About Women (S205, DU)
          From: tadams96 on 1/2/2001

 Women have strengths that amaze men.
 They carry hardships, they carry burdens but
    they hold happiness, love and joy.
 They smile when they want to scream.
 They sing when they want to cry.
 They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
 They fight for what they believe in.
 They stand up for injustice.
 They don't take "NO", for an answer when they believe
    there is a better solution.
 They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
 They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
 They love unconditionally.
 They cry when their children excel and cheer when
    their friends get awards.
 They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
 Their hearts break when a friend dies.
 They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they
    are strong when they think there is no strength left.
 They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
 Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
 They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
    to show how much they care about you.
 The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
 Women do more than just give birth they bring joy and hope.
 They give moral support to their family and friends.
 Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
 This has been sent to you from someone who respects you as
    a woman....pass it along to your women friends to remind
    them how amazing they are....
 Just wanted to brighten your day!

Top
Subj:     A Woman's Random Thoughts (S196, S829c)
          From: pns on 10/29/2000

 Skinny people piss me off!  Especially when they say things
 like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat."  Now, I've
 forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
 But I've never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special
 kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless
 it's good.  He's dead.  Good.

 A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
 pills.  She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a darn.

 They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine
 isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
 day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine
 o'clock class in vigorous toning?"  Clear as a bell my body
 said, "Listen bitch... do it and you die."

 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
 about nothing (and then they marry him.)

 I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
 are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and
 driving too fast.  Are they kidding? That is my idea of a
 perfect day.

 I know what Victoria's Secret is.  The secret is that nobody
 older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

 "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
 neckties?  I mean, how intelligent is it to start the day
 by tying a noose around your neck?"

Top
Subj:     Women Looking In A Mirror (S181, S670b)
          From: collins2 on 7/18/00
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 11/12/2009

 A look in the Mirror:

 Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!

 Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/
    Sleeping Beauty.

 Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/
    Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees
    Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom I can't go to school looking
    like this!")

 Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too
    short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -- but decides
    she's going anyway.

 Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too
    short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -- but decides
    she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.

 Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too
    short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -- but says,
    "At least, I'm clean" and goes anyway.

 Age 50: Looks at herself and says, "I am" and goes
    wherever she wants to go.

 Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the
    people who can't even see themselves in the mirror
    anymore.  Goes out and conquers the world.

 Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and
    ability, goes out and enjoys life.

 Age 80: Doesn't bother to look.  Just puts on a purple
    hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

 Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have
    as friends.  Maybe we should all grab that purple hat
    a little earlier!

 HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!

Top
Subj:     Benefits Of Being A Woman... (S181, S380b)
          From: collins2 on 7/18/00
      and From: Imogenelumen on 5/9/2004

 We got off the Titanic first.
 If we marry someone 20 years younger,
    we're aware that we look like an idiot.
 There are times when chocolate really can
    solve all your problems.
 We'll never regret piercing our ears.
 We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
 We can scare male bosses with mysterious
      gynecological disorder excuses.
 We can cry and get off speeding fines.
 Taxi's stop for us.
 We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
 Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
 New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
 No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
 We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
 If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
 We can congratulate our teammate without
    ever touching her butt.
 We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
    our privates are still there.
 If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
 We have the ability to dress ourselves
    (and buy our own under garments).
 We can talk to people of the opposite sex without
    having to picture them naked.

Top
Subj:     Beautiful Women Month? (S272b)
          From: collins2 on 4/22/00
      and From: FrankRoesch on 4/13/2002

 Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?  Well, it is
 and I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, and
 you are one of them!!!

 Facts on Figures;

 There are 3 billion women who don't look like super models
 and only eight who do.

 Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

 If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours
 due to her proportions.

 The average American woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between
 a size 12 and 14.

 One out of every four college aged women has an eating
 disorder.

 The models in the magazines are airbrushed -- they're not
 perfect!

 A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent
 looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to
 feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

 Models twenty years ago
 weighed 8% less than the average woman, today they weigh
 23% less.

 "Beauty of a Woman"
     by unknown
 The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
 The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
 The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
 Because that is the doorway to her heart,
 The place where love resides.

 The beauty of a woman Is not in a facial mole,
 But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
 It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
 The passion that she shows.
 The beauty of a woman
 With passing years -- only grows.

 Please send this to five phenomenal women today in
 celebration of Women's History Month.  If you do,
 something good will happen -- you will boost another
 woman's self-esteem.

Top
Subj:     M E N ! (S161)
          From: GHeckman on 2/28/00

Al,
 Will it offend you if I say I thought of you when I read this?
Gayle

  1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
  3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to
     put them all  up there.
  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be
     out alone.
  5. Go for younger men.  You might as well -
     they never mature anyway.
  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces,
     so that you can tell them apart.
  7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the
     opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
     do-it-yourself types.
  9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest
     they are too old for it.
 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
     years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
     tell him checkbooks.
 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
     jokes, it means that you must laugh at his.
 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Top
Subj:     Women's Compact Instruction Booklet (S88)
          From: auntieg on 98-10-10

   1. Never do housework. No man ever made love
      to a woman because the house was spotless.

   2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

   4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

   5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

   6. If they put a man on the moon,
      they should be able to put them all there.

   7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

   8. Never let your man's mind wander.
      It's too little to be let out alone.

   9. The only reason men are on this planet is
      that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

  10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.

  11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

  12. A man who can dress himself without
      looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

  13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces
      so you can tell them apart.

  14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has
      missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

  15. Women don't make fools of men.
      Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

  16. The best way to get a man to do something is
      to suggest they are too old for it.

  17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

  19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
      Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

  20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
      tell him checkbooks.

  21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually
      "oh all right, I'll stay the night."

  22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women,
      they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

  23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean
      that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

  24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no,
      you're just practicing.

  25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

  26. When he asks you if he's your first,
      tell him "you may be, you look familiar."

Top
Subj:     Quotations About Women (S282b)

 Women truly are better than men.  Otherwise,
 they'd be intolerable.  -- Ed Abbey

 In everything but brains and brawn, women
 are vastly superior to men.  -- Ed Abbey

 Girls, like flowers, bloom but once.  But
 once is enough.  -- Edward Abbey

 Women who love only women may have a good
 point.  -- Edward Abbey

 Women: We cannot love them all.  But we must
 try.  -- Edward Abbey

 The feminists have a legitimate grievance.  But
 so does everyone else.  -- Edward Abbey

 Her figure described a set of parabolas that
 could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
   -- Woody Allen

 Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along
 with or without.  Animal usually living in the
 vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary
 susceptibility to domestication.  -- Ambrose Bierce

 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents
 us from achieving them.  -- Dumas

 Women!  You can't live with them, you can't do
 most positions without them.  -- Dan Fielding
 (from the "Night Court" television series)

 The great question...  Which I have not been
 able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?"
   -- Freud

 Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove
 to men that He knows more than they do.
   -- Ellen Glasglow

 Nature has given women so much power that the
 law has very wisely given them little.  -- Dr. Johnson

 Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring
 male transsexuals.  To actual women it is simply a
 good excuse not to play football.  -- Fran Lebowitz

 There are a number of mechanical devices that
 increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
 Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
 Convertible.  -- P.J. O'Rourke

 Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ...
 And can't say 'no' in any of them.  -- Dorothy Parker

 Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get
 them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat
 you with a warm squash.  -- Emo Phillips

 A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin'
 through her drawers.  -- Blind Lemon Pledge

 Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement
 that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill
 their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
 and become lesbians.  -- Pat Robertson

 If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality,
 I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-
 Cobra.  But it is only fair to warn you that of the
 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went
 back to women.  -- Mort Sahl

 Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing
 aliens on how to act like women.  It's as though the
 people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic,
 what to eat when you get to the picnic.  It's for pods
 who want to impersonate humans.  On the other hand,
 there's very little advice in men's magazines, because
 men don't think there's a lot they don't know.  Women
 do.  Women want to learn.  Men think, "I know what I'm
 doing, just show me somebody naked."
   -- comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire

 I think that maybe if women and children were in charge,
 we would get somewhere.  -- James Thurber

 Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in
 the hands of women.  They're letting men hold the other
 40 percent because their handbags are full.  -- Earl Wilson

From: dogbyte on 6/26/2002 (S282b)
 "Woman was God's second mistake."
   -- Nietzsche

From: LABLaughsClean on 1/31/2007 (S525b)
 "I've been married a long time and I'm just starting to
 scratch the surface of what women really want.  I don't
 know, but the answer probably lies somewhere between
 chocolate and conversation."  -- Mel Gibson

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007 (S526b)
 "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday,
  but never remembers her age."  -- Robert Frost

Top
Subj:     Quotes From Women (S32)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-09-05

Top 7 Quotes From Women

 (7) "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
     Men invade another country."  -- Elayne Boosler

 (6) "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
        -- Maryon Pearson

 (5) "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get
     appointed as an assistant professor.  It is for a woman
     schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
       -- Bella Abzug

 (4) "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
     combine marriage and a career."  -- Gloria Steinem

 (3) "If men run the world, why don't they stop wearing
     neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by
     tying a little noose around your neck?"  -- Linda Ellerbee

 (2) "I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a
     man I keep his house."  -- Zsa Gabor

 And The #1 Quote From A Woman...

 (1) "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
       -- Gilda Radner

Subj:     Words From Women (S433b)
          From: smiles on 98-08-04

From: Anonymous Jr. on 5/15/2010 (S696b)
 'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.’
 penned as a Woman's Lib slogan by Gloria Steinem.  This was
 met by the male response: ‘Yes, but who needs a stationary
 haddock?’ [1979 N. Rees Graffiti Lives OK 80]

 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
   -- Gloria Steinem
 

 I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
 know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
   -- Dolly Parton

 You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
 ever see a  smart woman with a dumb guy.  -- Erica Jong

 I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
 friends  told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't
 even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
   -- Rita Rudner

 I figure that if the children are alive when I get home,
 I've done my job.  -- Roseanne

 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
 child.  We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin
 our lives.  -- Rita Rudner

 I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback
 riding.  That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
   -- Susie Loucks

 This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross
 between a macho and a sensitive man."  I said, "Oh, a gay
 trucker?"  -- Judy Tenuta

 He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
   -- Carol Leifer

 I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
   -- Wendy Liebman

 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth
 to.  -- Erma Bombeck

 If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
   -- Sue Grafton

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride
 on.  -- Roseanne

 I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to
 live next door to an amusement park.  -- Dolly Parton

 I found out why cats drink out of the toilet.  My mother
 told me it's  because it's cold in there.  And I'm like:
 How did my mother know THAT?  -- Wendy Liebman

 I think-therefore I'm single.  -- Lizz Winstead

 In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
 want anything done, ask a woman.  -- Margaret Thatcher

 If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably
 choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints
 and the Virgin Mary.  -- Margaret Atwood

 Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
 Perhaps  they should live next door and just visit now and
 then.  -- Katharine Hepburn

 I never married because there was no need. I have three
 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I
 have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
 swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at
 night."  -- Marie Corelli

 Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
   -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

Top
Subj:     Other Quotes From Women (S231b)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/28/2001

 I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
 stray eyebrows.  -- Janette Barber

 Who ever thought up the word Mammogram"?  Every time I hear
 it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and
 send it to someone.  -- Jan King

 A few weeks after my [breast cancer] surgery, I went out to
 play catch with my golden retriever.  When I bent over to
 pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out.  The dog snatched
 it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling
 "Hey, come back here with my breast!"  -- Linda Ellerbee

 Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
   -- Lily Tomlin

 You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and
 being a woman?  It's plucking your eyebrows.  That's how I
 originally got pierced ears.  -- Geri Jewell

 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
 owned a car.  -- Carrie Snow

 Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with
 your girlfriends.  -- Laurie Kuslansky

 My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first
 Is hitting my head on the top bunkbed until I faint.
   -- Erma Bombeck

 Old age ain't no place for sissies.  -- Bette Davis

 A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do
 what he can't.  -- Rhonda Hansome

 The phrase "working mother" is redundant.  -- Jane Sellman

 Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through
 the windows.  -- Jennifer Unlimited

 Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men
 to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
   -- Charlotte Whitton

 Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and
 your body starts falling apart.  -- Caryn Leschen

 I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several
 days attack me at once.  -- Jennifer Unlimited

 If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to
 serve as a horrible warning.  -- Catherine Aird

 When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids
 for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
 loss ... and they called ME slow!  -- Kathy Buckley

 Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of
 coffee.  -- Stephanie Piro

 Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty
 laundry.  -- Sally Forth

From: LABLaughsClean on 3/30/2005 (S427b)
 "Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering
  what the hell happened."  -- Cora Harvey Armstrong

From: hellgunner50 on 1/8/2006 (S468b)
 Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can
 usually shut the bitch up with cookies.  -- (Unknown)

 The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
   -- Helen Hayes (at 73)-

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
   -- Roseanne Barr

 Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
   -- Eleanor Roosevelt

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/5/2006 (S480b)
 "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
  the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
    -- Agatha Christie

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007 (S526b)
 "A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
  to be thankful for a good one."  -- Mae West

Top
Subj:     Top Nine Things Only Women Understand (S231b)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/28/2001

 9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
 8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
 7. Crying can be fun.
 6. FAT CLOTHES.
 5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
    balanced lunch.
 4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack.
 3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
 2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
    is next to impossible.
 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
 1. OTHER WOMEN!


Subj:     Short Jokes And One-liners About Women

Top
Subj:     Manana (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 10/12/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990822
 You can view this dirty, funny, animated GIF at the source
 above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Out Drinking With Lady Friends
          From: darrell94590
          on 9/9/2005 (S451 - in Drinking)
 To view the cute story which includes 18 pictures, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Attractive Woman Formula (S364b)
          From: jerry on 1/16/2004
 Hong Kong researchers say they have determined what makes
 a woman attractive to a male.  It's not the face, legs or
 body shape, they say.  It's the volume (body volume, not
 voice volume).  They say it's all in the volume-height
 index (VHI), or at least 90% of the determination of
 attractiveness is controlled by the VHI.

 They say men make a "snap-decision" about a woman by
 looking at her rough body volume before looking at
 specific features.  So, if you know your volume in
 cubic meters and you divide it by the square of the
 distance between your chin and your feet you can get
 your VHI.

 Researchers refused to come up with the perfect VHI value.
 

 Evening Standard (UK) 15-Jan-04
 

Top
Subj:     What Every Girl Wants (S353b)
          From: janeenmarie
          on 11/7/2003 (in Men-Women Pictures)
 You can view is a picture on my web site
 by clicking 'Here'.
. .
. .
Top
Subj:     Prayer For Women (S321)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/25/2003
 Dear Lord I pray
 For wisdom to understand my man
 Love to forgive him
 Patience for his moods
 Because Lord if I pray for Strength
 I'll beat him to death
 

Top
Subj:     What Women Think About Their Ass (S303, S582b)
          From: mombear1 on 11/18/2002
      and From: tom on 3/14/2008
  85% of women think their ass is too big...

  10% of women think their ass is too little...

  The other 5% say that they don't care.  They love him,
  and that's why they married him anyway.
 

Top
Subj:     Women's Problems (S245b)
          From: gheckman 10/11/2001
 MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
 MENopause.

 Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
 And when we have real problems, it's a HISterectomy!

 P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!"
 

Top
Subj:     Politically Correct Guide To The Ladies (S207)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/15/2001
 She does not have thunder thighs;
 she develops a Child Rest Area Facility.

 She is not talkative;
 she is a Conversational Opportunist.

 She does not get lost all the time;
 she is Deceptively Directionally Challenged.

 You do not buy her a drink;
 you make a down payment on a recreational facility.

 She does not fart and belch;
 her closest pet is Gastronomically Expressive.

 She is not a gold digger;
 she prefers Economic Differential Relationships.

 She does not have a rich daddy;
 she is the poster child for the "Happily Ever After Foundation"

 She is not afraid of lack of commitment;
 she is Poligamously Challenged.
 

Top
Subj:     Woman's Ultimate Fantasy (S138)
          From: crtoth on 09/23/1999
 In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the U.S.
 were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy
 is to have two men at once.  While this has been verified by
 a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not
 realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the
 other is cleaning.
 

Top
Subj:     What Are A Woman's Three Greatest Lies?
          Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
 1.  You're the best.
 2.  You're the biggest
 3.  It doesn't always smell that way
 

Top
Subj:     Professor's Quote About "Woman"
 An English professor wrote the words  "Woman without
 her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed
 his students to punctuate it correctly.
   The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
   The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is a savage."
 

Top
Subj:     Drunk In The Wrong Toilet
 One night a man was getting very drunk in a restaurant.
 He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his dick out
 as he went in the door.  But he'd wandered into the
 ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on
 the toilet.
 "This is for ladies!" she screamed. "This is for ladies!"
 The drunk waved his unit at her.  "So's this!" he shouted back.
 

 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
 Wear underwear.

 Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

 The average woman spends 2.7 years of her life where?
 In the bathroom.

 42% of all women over the age of 26 who have done this, never get married.
 Had an affair with a married man.

 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers
 and laser printers all have in common?
 All invented by women.

 If it's gots Wheels or Tits
 Sooner or Later
 It is
 Going to give you trouble
 

 2 Fleas were hanging out in a pair of undies.
 One said to the other "I'm gonna have a joint, some marijuana man!"
 The other said "That's nothing!  I'm gonna have some crack!

 Every guy subconciously thinks of the following when they rate a woman's
 attactiveness. 1-4 are for single guys. 5 was added to cover the married
 ones because they already went through 1 - 4.
 1.  So ugly you wouldn't fuck her.
 2.  You'd fuck her but won't be seen in public with her.
 3.  You'd fuck her and be seen in public with her.
 4.  You'd fuck her and marry her.
 5.  You'd fuck her in front of your wife.
 

 BITCH: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, Horny

 Don't be sexist.  Broads hate that.

 Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

 A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

 I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but
    I've woken up with a few.

 A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad;
   an optimist hopes they are.

 A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants,
   but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.

 A woman turned to a man at a singles bar and asked,
    "Do you prefer legs with panty hose or bare legs?"
 He smiled and replied, "I prefer something in between."

 Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of
    dealing with men.

 By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old
    to start a library.

 Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

 Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

 Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch
   or else they will blow up.

 Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.

 When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens
   and women are crockpots.

 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable ? receptive
 young female increases by exponential progression when he is
 already in the company of:
 (1)a date, (2)his wife, (3)a better looking ? richer male friend.

 Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone.

 Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die!

 You know you're dating a tough babe when she rolls her own tampons.

 Next three are from: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
 What is the definition of "making love"?
 Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

 How are women and rocks alike?
 You skip the flat ones.

 How do we know God is a man?
 Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

 Did you know that in this country alone there are over 1/2 million battered
 women?
 Just think......
 All this time you've been eating them plain.

 In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or
 widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #252 on 98-06-06
 Women are like guns, keep one around long enough
 and your going to want to shoot it.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06 (S106)
 A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Top
Subj:     Question-Answers About Women

 Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's house?
 A: Only four if you slice them thin enough.

 Q: Why did God create lesbians?
 A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

 Q: Why did God give woman nipples?
 A: To make suckers out of men.

 Q: What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
 A: Lipstick.

 Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
 A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

 Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
 A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

 Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
 A: Who cares?  What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

 Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
 A: She's a woman.

 Q: How do you blind a woman?
 A: Put a windshield in front of her face.

 Q: How many men does it take to do the washing?
 A: None, it's a woman's job.

 Q: How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
 A: None.  That's women's work!

 Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
 A: About 5 drinks.

 Q: What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called?
 A: The woman.

 Q: Why do women pay so much attention to their
    appearance than to improving their minds?
 A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

 Q: Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
 A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
    or
 Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
 A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

 Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
 A: A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

 Q: Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?
 A: More perks, and the payoff is better.

 Q: What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it,
    and women are crazy for it?
 A: Money!!!

 Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
 A: She gets her ass chewed out.

 Q: Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
 A: Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

 Q: How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
 A: She asks them for a commitment.

 Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
 A: Slap the bitch.

 Q: Why do women live longer than men?
 A: Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/4/2005 (S414b)
 Q: Why are women like screen doors?
 A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

 Q: What's a wife?
 A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

 Q: What does a woman and a crystal glass have in common?
 A: You wet your finger, rub them the right way and they will both sing!

 Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
 A: Who cares, why ain't the bitch in the kitchen.

 Q: What 3 words does a woman least like to hear
    just before reaching orgasm?
 A: "Honey I'm home."

 Q: Why do lady parachutists wear jock straps?
 A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

 Q: What is the difference between a slut and a bowling ball?
 A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

 Q: What is a woman?
 A: It's like a moist right hand that can walk and talk.

 Q: What do 10,000 battered women have in common.
 A: They just won't listen goddamit.

 Q: How do you know when a "woman of the nineties" is having an orgasim?
 A: She finally drops her breifcase.

 Q: How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused ?
 A: Put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.

 Q: Why is a woman like a condom?
 A: If it's not on you dick, it's in you wallet.

 Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
 A: Her legs.

 Q: What do women and a trophy fish have in common?
 A: You can mount them or eat them.

 Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
 A: Look for dandruff on her shoes.

 Q: Why are there bumps on a woman's nipple?
 A: It's braille for "Suck Here!!"

 Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
 A: Toys for Twats!

 Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?
 A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.

Bawdy.Net Collage #178
 Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
 A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

 Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance
    than to improving their minds?
 A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Bawdy.Net Collage #185
 Q: How are women and rocks alike?
 A: You skip the flat ones.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #193
 Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
 A: 'Cos once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs,
    all you are left with is a greasy box!

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
 Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
 A: Dill-dough

From: ICohen on 7/27/2001 (S235)
 Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
    wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
 A: All invented by women.

From: www.huumor.com on 8/6/01 (S236)
 Q: What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
 A: The number of tits!

From: dogbyte on 4/19/2002 (S272c)
 Q: When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
 A: When he owns it.

From: CatScratch on 12/8/2001 (S275c)
 Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
 A: A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage,
    a Tiger in the bedroom, and an Ass to pay for it all.

From: CatScratch on 9/7/2002 (293b)
 Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
 A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
    go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed,
    and they go to the fridge.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/9/2004 (S401b)
 Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole?
 A: Divorced.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/10/2005 (S415b)
 Q: Why are hurricanes normally names after women?
 A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go,
    they take your house and car with them.

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...........................From Smiley_Central
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