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>>>
Subj:     Handicapped Jokes
                 (Includes 107 jokes and articles, 10955,2,cf,md4vT,2)

          Click "Here" for Handicap-Supp


Wheelchair from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Blind Man Paints - Video (S955 in Supp)
.........................2011 Beep Baseball World Series - Video (S854 in Supp)
.........................Helen Keller Learns To Speak - Video (S854 in Supp)
.........................Tim's Place: Breakfast, Lunch, And Hugs - Video (S843-Supp)
.........................Wright's Law: A Unique Teacher - Video (S842 in Supp)
.........................Phil Parr And The Blind Handyman Radio Show-Vid (S836-Supp)
.........................Stevie Wonder's Drum Solo - Video (S763)
.........................SpeechEasy Device For Stuttering - Video (S755 in Supp)
.........................Mick Ebeling: TED Video About The EyeWriter-Video (S744-Supp)
.........................The Guitarist Big Toe - Video (S731 in Supp)
.........................Outstanding Armless Snooker Player - Video (S698 in Supp)
.........................Nick Vujicic - Video (S696 in Supp)
.........................Doug Landis' Mouth Art - Video (S663 in Supp)
.........................No Arms Athlete - Butch Lumpkin - Video (S658 in Supp)
.........................Pilot Jessica Cox - Video (S641 in Supp)
.........................Walk On - ESPN Video (S636 in Supp)
.........................Strongest Dad In The World - Video (S500c in Supp)
.........................Adam Bender Plays Baseball - Video (S610 in Supp)
.........................The Story Of A Sign - Video (S611 in Supp)
.........................The Power Of Words - Video (S743 in Supp)
.........................Jennifer Moceanu - Video (S919 in Supp)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S679)
.........................Man with No Arms Or Legs Sits On The Beach (S448)
.........................Amazing Ben Underwood - Video (S518c)
.........................Shay Plays Baseball (S478, S759)
.........................The Brick (S465)
.........................When I Whine (S285)
.........................Two Deaf People Get Married (S270b)
.........................Date's Parents Are Deaf Mutes (S207)
.........................Using Sign Language In A Bar (179, S503b)
.........................Paralyzed Man's Feet Are Cold (S154)
.........................Blind Kid Prays For Sight (S70)
.........................Blind Man Interviews For Wood Mill Job (S335b)
.........................Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar (S252b)
.........................What Do You Call A -- With No Arms Or Legs (S146)
.........................What Do You Call A
.........................The Bishop Needs A Bellringer (S20, S429)
.........................Driving A Drunk Home
.........................The Drunk Goes Home
.........................Blind Man Orders By Smell (S26, SS584)
.........................Man With No Arms Has A Beer (S165)
.........................Woman Places Add For Lover (S149, S533)
                         Short Handicapped Jokes
..............................Helen Keller Meeting Charlie Chaplin (S865 in Supp)
..............................Nothing Impossible If U Wanna Dance - Video (S745-Supp)
..............................Kid On Crutches Skateboards - Video (S693b in Supp)
..............................Seeing Eye Dog (S660 in Supp)
..............................We Todd It - Video (S603 in Supp)
..............................We Todd Ed (S588b in Supp)
..............................Dean Kamen's Prosthetic Arm! - Video (S580c in Supp)
..............................The "Autistic" Basketball Player - Video (S578c-Supp)
..............................Heal (S555b in Supp)
..............................The Four Fingered Pianist - Video (S542c in Supp)
..............................Penn Gilette Teaches Sign Language (S333c in Supp)
..............................Learn How To Sign (S564b in Supp)
..............................Hippo Eats Dwarf (S488)
..............................Two Deaf Men Discuss Wives (S316b)
..............................Blind Man And His Dog In A Store (S310b)
..............................Dyslexic Jokes
..............................Quasimodo Goes To The Doctor (S146)

Also see AUSTRALIAN   - 'Copulating With Kangaroos'
         BAR1 file    - 'Son Is Born With Just A Head'
         BARBER file  - 'Dumb Boy Goes Into A Barbershop'
         BIRD-PARROTS - 'Parrot With No Legs'
         BODY PARTS   - 'Having No Ears'
......................- 'Baby Born Without Ears'
         CARS3 file   - 'Buzzing Stoplights'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Car Accident'
         CHINESE file - 'Chinese Hearing Impaired Dancers' - Video
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Three Young Men Sell Bibles'
         CLOTHING file- 'Store Sells Ugly Suit'
         DATING1 file - 'Man Catches Woman's Glass Eye'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Two Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse'
         DOG1 file    - 'Aussie Beer Commercial' - Video
......................- 'A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant'
         DOG-SUPP2    - 'Dog With No Eyes Plays Fetch' - Video
         DRINKING     - 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar'
         DWARF file   -  (see whole file)
         ENGINEER1    - 'Mind Over Mechanics' - Video
         FARMER1 file - 'Flat Tire Near Farm'
         FISHING1 file- 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
         GOLF2 file   - 'The Blind Play Golf'
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'OTL: Veteran's Golf' - Video
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Bald Man w/Wooden Leg Goes To Party'
         HORSE file   - 'Seeing-Eye Horse'
......................- 'Midget With Lisp Buys A Horse'
         ITALIAN file - 'Deaf And Dumb Bag Man'
         JOBS-STUF-SUP- 'Sexual Harassment'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Wooden Eye'
         KIDS4 file   - 'A Lesson In Heart'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Creative Defense For Burglary'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Stuttering Problem'
         PILOT file   - 'Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane'
......................- 'Blind Airline Pilots'
         PILOT-SUPP   - 'Pilot Jessica Cox' plus Video
......................- 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not'
         PSYCH-SUPP   - 'Sheena Iyengar: Art Of Choosing - TED' - Video
         RABBIT file  - 'Little Girl Buys A Rabbit'
         RATS_MICE    - 'Blind Rat Has Sex'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'Explain This Riddle #3'
.........SCHOOL1 file - 'Students Go To The Race Track'
         STORIES file - 'Two Men Share A Hospital Room'
.........STORIES-SUPP - 'The Boy Who Wouldn't Die'
         TEAR-JERKER2 - 'Puppies For Sale'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Something For Stevie'
         TEST2 file   - 'I.Q. Test'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'The Failure List II' - Video
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Blind Man And Family Wait For A Bus'
         WORD_JKS-SUPP- 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'

============================================================Top
(S679)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 1/20/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/
 

Top
Subj:     Man with No Arms Or Legs Sits On The Beach (S448)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2005

 A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a
 childhood accident, he had lost both of his arms and both
 of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on
 the beach, three women separately walked past him.  Each
 felt very sorry for the poor man.  The first woman said:
 "Have you ever had a hug?"

 The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty.  Sensing
 an opportunity he said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked
 on.

 The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss.  The man
 looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. "No," he said
 with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been screwed?"

 The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous.  With
 anticipation welling up, the fellow said "No."

 She said: "Well, you will be when the tide comes in."

Top
Subj:     Amazing Ben Underwood (S518c,d)
          From: edapsmas
          on 12/12/2006

 Ben Underwood is blind, but he can skateboard, play video
 games, and walk anywhere using sound clicks.  This 6,200
 KB movie is beyond amazing.  Learn about Ben Underwood by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Shay Plays Baseball (S478, S759)
          From: jtgalvan on 3/14/2006
      and From: dawineguy on 7/24/2011

 This is a true story, and NOT a joke.

 At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning
 disabled children, the father of one of the students
 delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who
 attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff,
 he offered a question:

 "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything
 nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot
 learn things as other children do.  He cannot understand
 things as other children do.  Where is the natural order of
 things in my son?"

 The audience was stilled by the query.

 The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay,
 physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
 opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and
 it comes, in the way other people treat that child"

 Then he told the following story:
 Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys
 Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think
 they'll let me play?"  Shay's father knew that most of the
 boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the
 father also understood that if his son were allowed to play,
 it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some
 confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

 Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked
 if Shay could play, not expecting much.  The boy looked around
 for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game
 is in the eighth inning.  I guess he can be on our team and
 we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

 Shay struggled over to the team's bench,  put on a team shirt
 with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye
 and warmth in his heart.  The boys saw the father's joy at his
 son being accepted.  In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's
 team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

 In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played
 in the right field.  Even though no hits came his way, he was
 obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field,
 grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the
 stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
 again.  Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential
 winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

 At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
 to win the game?  Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone
 knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even
 know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

 However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing
 the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's
 life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could
 at least be able to make contact.  The first pitch came and Shay
 swung clumsily and missed.  The pitcher again took a few steps
 forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.  As the pitch came
 in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back
 to the pitcher.

 The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft
 grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first
 baseman.  Shay would have been out and that would have been the
 end of the game.

 Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the
 first baseman, out of reach of all team mates.  Everyone from
 the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first!
 Run to first!"  Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but
 made it to first base.  He scampered down the baseline, wide-
 eyed and startled.

 Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

 Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming
 and struggling to make it to second base.  By the time Shay
 rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the
 smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for
 his team for the first time.  He could have thrown the ball to
 the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's
 intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far
 over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base
 deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
 home.  As Shay neared  third base, the opposing shortstop ran to
 help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and
 shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third ! "

 All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

 As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those
 watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home!"
 Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the
 hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

 That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down
 his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true
 love and humanity into this world.

 Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter,
 having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so
 happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace
 her little hero of the day!

 May your day, be a Shay Day, sunny today, tomorrow and always!

Top
Subj:     The Brick (S465)
          From: DoctorDebt on 12/18/2005

 A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighbor-
 hood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.  He was
 watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and
 slowed down when he thought he saw something.  As his car
 passed, no children appeared.  Instead, a brick smashed into
 the Jag's side door!  He slammed on the brakes and backed the
 Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.  The
 angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest
 kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was
 that all about and who are you?  Just what the heck are you
 doing?  That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to
 cost a lot of money.  Why did you do it?"

 The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm
 sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"  He pleaded.  "I
 threw the brick because no one else would stop..."  With
 tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth
 pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother,
 "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheel-
 chair and I can't lift him up."

 Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you
 please help me get him back into his wheelchair?  He's hurt
 and he's too heavy for me."

 Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly
 swelling lump in his throat.  He hurriedly lifted the handi-
 capped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen
 handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.  A
 quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank
 you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the
 stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the
 boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
 toward their home.

 It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was
 very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair
 the dented side door.  He kept the dent there to remind him
 of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone
 has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God
 whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.  Sometimes
 when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick
 at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

 Thought for the Day:

 God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,
 sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day,
 comfort for the tears, and light for the way.  If God brings
 you to it, He will bring you through it.

Top
Subj:     When I Whine (S285)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/16/2002

 Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair
 I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.
 When suddenly she rose to leave,
    I saw her hobble down the aisle.
 She had one leg and used a crutch
 But as she passed, she passed a smile.
 Oh, God, forgive me when I whine
 I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

 I stopped to buy some candy
 The lad who sold it had such charm
 I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad
 If I were late, it'd do no harm.
 And as I left, he said to me,
 "I thank you, you've been so kind.
 It's nice to talk with folks like you.
 You see," he said, "I'm blind."
 Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
 I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

 Later while walking down the street,
 I saw a child with eyes of blue
 He stood and watched the others play
 He did not know what to do.
 I stopped a moment and then I said,
 "Why don't you join the others, dear?"
 He looked ahead without a word.
 And then I knew, he couldn't hear.
 Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
 I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

 With feet to take me where I'd go.
 With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
 With ears to hear what I would know.
 Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
 I've been blessed indeed, The world is mine.

Top
Subj:     Two Deaf People Get Married (S270b)
          From: www.TwistedHumor.com on February 25, 2002

 Two deaf people get married.  During the first week of
 marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate
 in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they
 can't see each other using sign language.  After several
 nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
 decides to find a solution.

 "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
 signals?  For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
 with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
 If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
 right breast one time."

 The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to
 his wife, "Great idea.  Now if you want to have sex with
 ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.  If you
 don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis
 50 times."

Top
Subj:     Date's Parents Are Deaf Mutes (S207)
          From: thebartend on 1/17/2001

 A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of
 his dreams across the dance floor.  Having admired her from
 afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.  Every-
 thing goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany
 him on a date the following Saturday evening.  Saturday night
 the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

 To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
 "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late.  Please
 come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain
 you while I finish getting dressed.  I should warn you, though,
 they are both deaf mutes."   With this she ushers him into the
 living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly
 disappears.

 As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of
 the parents are completely silent.  Dad is sitting in his arm
 chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

 After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her
 chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
 glass of water over her fanny.  Just as suddenly, Dad launches
 himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
 from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
 match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
 eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

 After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed
 and ready for the evening.  The date is a complete disaster with
 the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in
 the living room.

 At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter?
 Have I done something wrong?"

 "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest
 thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit
 shocked.  Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up
 her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water
 over her behind.  Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father
 races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from
 behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his
 eye."

 "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

 The man can't believe her casual response.

 "Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a
 drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the
 match."

Top
Subj:     Using Sign Language In A Bar (179, S503b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/30/00
      and From: gordonschuk on 9/7/2006

 A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people
 using sign language.  He also noticed that the bartender
 was using sign language to speak to them.

 When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
 had learned to use sign language.  The bartender explained
 that these were regular customers and had taught him to
 speak in sign.  The man thought that was great.

 A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
 group were waving their hands around very wildly.  The
 bartender looked over and signed  "Now cut that out! I
 warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

 The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
 "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING
 IN THE BAR!"

Top
Subj:     Paralyzed Man's Feet Are Cold (S154)
          From: RFSlick on 01/14/2000

 A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
 waist down.  They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
 "My feet are cold.  Would you be so kind as to go get me my
 sneakers please?"

 The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
 daughters, both very good looking.  Being the adventurous and
 quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies!  Your daddy sent me
 here to have sex with you!"

 They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

 He replies, "OK, let's check!"

 He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

 "Yes, both of them!"

Top
Subj:     Blind Kid Prays For Sight (S70)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #251 on 98-06-01

 There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he
 said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

 His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the
 last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers
 will be answered."

 The little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying
 himself to sleep.  He wakes up half way through the night
 and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another
 hour before he falls asleep again.  He finally wakes up the
 next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"

 His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

 The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and
 prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this
 morning and I'm still blind!"

 And his mom says.......

 "April Fools!!"

Top
Subj:     Blind Man Interviews For Wood Mill Job (S335b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/28/2003

 A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
 the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into
 his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since
 he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
 The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
 in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without
 touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece
 of fir."

 "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a
 bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct,"
 answers the manager.

 With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the
 blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and
 put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says
 the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary
 turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man
 says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly
 what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a
 tuna boat!"

Top
Subj:     Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar (S252b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #132 on 98-05-27
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/26/2001

 There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  When
 he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow,
 these seats are big!"  The person next to him answered,
 "Everything is big in Texas."

 When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
 Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
 placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
 are big!"  The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

 After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
 where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied,
 "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
 bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the
 second door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which
 lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

 Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't
 flush, don't flush!"

Top
Subj:     What Do You Call A -- With No Arms Or Legs (S146)
          (See 'Baby Names Based On Occupation' in Other-Occupation)

 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      at your front doorstep?  Matt.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      hanging on your wall?  Art.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in a hot tub?  Bob.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in a meat grinder?  Chuck.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      water skiing?  Skip.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in a pond  Dock
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in the mailbox?  Bill
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in a hole?  Doug
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      who fell into a pothole?  Phil (fill)
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      on a pile of dirt?  Phil
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      in a leaf pile?  Russell
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      flying over a fence?  Homer  (dohhh!)
 What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse?
      Warren.
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      (and is your boss)  Dick
 What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
      swimming?  Clever Dick.
 What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs
      in front of a window?  Curt 'n Rod
 What do you call a guy with leprosy in a hot tub?
      Stu.
 What do you call a quadraplegic on a fence?
      Barbie.
 What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs
      in a garden  Rose
 What do ya call a girl with no arms and no legs
      on a grill?  Patty.
 What do ya call a lady with no arms and no legs
      on a beach?  Sandy.
 What do you call a black woman with no arms or legs?
      Dot.
 What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other
      who likes to walk?  Eileen.
 What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
      "Nice tits!"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/11/2002
 What do you call a sheep w/ no arms, no legs, and no head?
 A cloud.

Top
Subj:     What Do You Call...

 What do you call a woman on a beach ?
 Sandy.

 What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
 Cliff.

 Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef.
 Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
 Whatdaya call a dog with no legs?
 Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...
   --  John Braden

 Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
 A: Jack

 What do you call a man with twenty balaclavas on ?
 Anything you like cause he won't hear you.

Top
Subj:     The Bishop Needs A Bellringer (S20, S429)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-18
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/20/2005

 "After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
 Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a
 new bellringer was needed.  The bishop decided that he
 would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
 the belfry to begin the screening process.  After observing
 several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to
 call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and
 announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's
 job.

 The bishop was incredulous.  "You have no arms!"

 "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking
 the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the
 carillon.  The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced
 that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

 Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
 tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his
 death in the street below.

 The stunned bishop rushed to his side.  When he reached the
 street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn
 by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
 As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
 asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

 "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his
 face rings a bell."

 The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily
 on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless
 campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the
 bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre
 Dame.  The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency,
 I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to
 his death from this very belfry yesterday.  I pray that you
 honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
 The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the
 armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike
 the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died
 on the spot.

 Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
 tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.  "What has happened?"
 the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

 "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but
 he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Top
Subj:     Driving A Drunk Home
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-16
 (Also see 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar' in DRINKING)

 A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over
 and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby.  The
 bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.Murphy and asks the man
 if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.  Being a good samaritan,
 the man agrees.  The bartender writes down the address and
 gives it to him.

 The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy
 is groggy and quite drunk.  The man helps Mr. Murphy to his
 feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

 "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much.
 He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to
 the car.  Once there he leans him against the side of his car
 while he looks for his keys.  Mr. Murphy slides down to the
 ground.  The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy
 positioned in the car.

 He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.  He
 opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the
 guy falls to the ground.  Cursing softly, now, the man helps
 him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door.
 He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy
 falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy
 answers the door.

 "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to
 drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

 "That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But
 where's his wheelchair?"

Top
Second version
Subj:     The Drunk Goes Home
          From: ipkis on 97-06-20
          (See 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar' in DRINKING)

 Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
 most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

 Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore
 tonight Paddy.

 Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy
 spins around on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on
 his face.  "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the
 stool and dusts himself off.

 He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
 face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

 He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
 he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be
 fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the
 door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
 breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step
 out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

 He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
 to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the
 door and shimmies inside.

 He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way".
 He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I
 can make it to the bed."

 He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
 He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

 The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room
 carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did
 you have a bit to drink last  night?".

 Paddy says, "I did Jess.  I was fockin' pissed.  But
 how'd you know?"

 "Mick phoned, . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Top
Subj:     Blind Man Orders By Smell (S26, S584)
          From: sking on 97-07-18
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 11/3/2003 and 3/19/2008

 A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.  The
 waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man
 and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and
 can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a
 previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

 A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish
 pile and picks up a greasy fork.  He returns to the blind
 man's table and hands it to him.  The blind man puts the
 fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes
 that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

 Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
 towards the kitchen.  The cook happens to be the owner's
 wife and he tells her what had just happened.  The blind
 man eats his meal and leaves.

 Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
 mistakenly brings him a menu again.

 "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

 "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
 dirty fork."  The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and
 brings it to the blind man.  After another deep breath,
 the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
 Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

 Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks
 the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his
 wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's
 going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

 He returns the following week, but this time the owner
 sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.  He tells his
 wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I
 take it to the blind man."

 Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

 As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is
 ready and waiting.  "Good afternoon sir, this time I
 remembered you and I already have the fork ready for
 you."

 The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep
 whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked
 here!"

Top
Subj:     Man With No Arms Has A Beer (S165)
          From: thebartend on 3/14/00

 A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
 The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please
 hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender,
 and he did.

 "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to
 get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my
 mouth."  "Certainly." And it was done.

 "If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand
 pants pocket, you`ll find the money for the beer." The
 bartender got it.

 "You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing
 more. Where is the men`s room?"

 "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two
 blocks, and there`s one in a filling station on the corner."

Top
Subj:     Woman Places Add For Lover (S149, S533)
          From: DR SWITZER on 12/06/1999
      and From: darrell94590 on 4/4/2007

 A woman couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
 sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

 Wanted:  A good-looking, single guy who won't abuse me,
 won't leave me, and is good in bed.

 About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door
 to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he offers.

"You must be mistaken," she begins to reply.

"Let me explain," he interjects. "I can't beat you, because
 I don't have any arms.  I can't run off, because I don't have
 any legs."

 "But," she demands, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

 "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Subj:     Short Handicapped Jokes

Top
Subj:     Hippo Eats Dwarf (S488)
          From: darrell94590
          on 5/24/2006
 An amazing newspaper article.  You can view it on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Two Deaf Men Discuss Wives (S316b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/14/2003
 Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

 One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last
 night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other
 Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
 How do you do that? Says the other.

 It's easy! I turn off the light!
 

Top
Subj:     Blind Man And His Dog In A Store (S310b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/11/2003
 A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing
 eye dog on a leash.  As usual the store manager behind the
 customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is
 blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
 Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man
 start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

 Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a
 problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind
 man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
 

Top
Subj:     Dyslexic Jokes
 How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
   --  FitzEbaby
 What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic
 and an insomniac?
 Somebody who lays awake wondering if there's a dog.
    --  Hex Fiend

From: humorlist-digest V2 #133 on 98-05-28
 An intelligent dyslexic is smucking fart

From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
 BUMPER STICKER
 Dyslexics have more fnu.
 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

From: Joke-of-the-day on Friday, April 9,1999
 Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
 He sold his soul to Santa

From: smiles on 98-12-30 (S100)
 Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on
 New Year's?  He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Dyslexics of the world, untie!

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
 Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

From: ossama on 99-02-25
 "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
 can you see okay?"  --John Mendoza

From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005 (S457b, S786)
And From: Today's Joke of the Day on 2/5/2012
 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 

Top
Subj:     Quasimodo Goes To The Doctor (S146)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/19/1999
 Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think
 something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

 "What makes you say that?" asks Quasimodo.

 "I don't know," the doctor replies.  "It's just a hunch."
 

Bawdy.Net Collage #81
 A blind man goes into a department store with a guide dog
 which he picks up by the tail and starts swing around his
 head.
 The manager rushes over and asks, "May I help you, Sir?"
 "No thanks", says the blind man. "Just looking around."

 What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
 Those damn wheelchairs.  --  unkown

 Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap
 out of their dogs.  --  Matt and Roxy

 Where does a one armed man shop?  At a second hand store!
   -- Emily Christain

From: humorlist-digest V1 #227 on 97-10-19
 "Come on, Steve," one guy said to another at the gym,
 "your wife is not as bad as you say.  What would you
 do if you found another man in bed with her?"
 "I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg
 in a car crash?  He's all right now.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #1 on 98-01-01
 If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother
 wash his hands with soap?

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg
 in a car crash?  He's all right now.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
 After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the
 wheelchairs?

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #297 - Quickies! on 4/18/99
 "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
    -- Wendy Liebman

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/20/2002 (S277b)
 The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot
 be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the
 heart.  -- Helen Keller

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/8/2005 (S423b)
 "The marvelous richness of human experience would lose
 something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations
 to overcome.  The hilltop hour would not be half so
 wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse."
   -- Hellen Keller

From: LABLaughsClean on 11/13/2006 (S513b)
 "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only
  through experience of trial and suffering can the soul
  be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
    -- Helen Keller

From: LABLaughsClean on 9/28/2007 (S558b)
 I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is
 my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though
 they were great and noble.  - Helen Keller

From: LABLaughsClean on 4/4/2007 (S585b)
 "Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall
  emerge into the light."  -- Helen Keller

From: LABLaughsClean on 4/14/2007 (S587b)
 "Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do
  not let them master you. Let them teach you patience,
  sweetness, insight."  -- Helen Keller

From: LABLaughsClean on 7/25/2008 (S602b)
 "The world is moved not only by the mighty shoves
  of the heroes, but also by the aggregate of the
  tiny pushes of each honest worker."  -- Helen Keller
 

From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
 She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
 

 Q: Did you hear about the gay paraplegics?
 A: They fuck each others colostomy bags.

 Q: Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
 A: Because she moaned with the other.

From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
 Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
 A: Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

 Q: How does a blind man know when to pull the rip cord?
 A: The dog's leash goes slack.

 Q: Hear about the Suicidal Dyslexic?
 A: He threw himself Behind the train .

 Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in
    a swimming pool?
 A: Throw your laundry in quick!  --  unknown

From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
 Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
 A: National Dyslexics Association.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Q: Where does a one armed man shop?
 A: At a second hand store!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
 Q: Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
 A: Because he doesn't know he's black.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #291 on 99-03-12
 Q: What's better than winning the Gold Medal
    at the ParaOlympics?
 A: Walking...

From: RFSlick on 12/29/1999 (S152)
 Q: What would you call V.D. you get from a crippled person?
 A: "Handiclap."

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