Subj: Nerd Jokes
(Includes 10 jokes and articles, 09809n,4,cf,md4w,4)
Also see PROGRAMMER - 'Quiz-Programmer
Or Serial Killer'
STARTREK1 - 'Star Wars Premier In New York City'
TESTNERD1 - (see whole file)
TESTNERD2 - (see whole file)
.........WORD_JOKS-SUP- 'Pearls Before Swine'
Weird Al - White And Nerdy (S510b,d)
From: eBaum's World
"White and Nerdy" is the second
single from "Weird Al"
Yankovic's album Straight Outta Lynwood, which was released
on September 26, 2006. It parodies the song "Ridin'" by
Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone. The song both laments and
revels in nerdiness, as recited by the subject who can't
"roll with the gangstas" because he is "just too white and
nerdy", and includes constant references to stereotypically
nerdy things, such as editing Wikipedia and playing Dungeons
You can see Al Yankovick's "White
and Nerdy" at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
White And Nerdy - Quiz (S510b)
From: TreeSong.org on 11/1/2006
Picture from YouTube
This nerd quiz was written to
celebrate the "White and Nerdy"
gangster rap video. You can test your nerdiness at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Weird Al - Behind The Scenes
Of "White And Nerdy" (S522b,d)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/18/2007
This interview with Al Yankovic
about the making of 'White And
Nerdy' is excellent. You can view it at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: You Might Be A Nerd If.... (DU)
by Charles W. Plemons III
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98
1. Your web page is more popular
2. Your favorite sport is Tetris.
3. You know what fuzzy logic is.
4. You talk to your computer.
5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper
instead of Playboy.
6. You argue with your computer.
7. Your computer has its own phone line.
8. You have dreams involving your computer.
9. You try to pick up women on chat lines.
10. You can talk to a woman about your hardware
and not mean anything sexual.
11. You spend Friday nights with your computer.
12. You ask a woman for her email address instead
of her phone number.
13. You've never actually met many of your friends.
14. You remember how to use DOS.
15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
16. Only computer users can understand you.
17. Your home page is longer than your resume.
18. You've ever installed Linux.
19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted
to play on your computer.
20. You always understand Dilbert.
21. You regularly drink Jolt cola.
22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
23. You have multiple email addresses.
24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
25. You understood the above statement.
26. You search the Internet for computer humor.
27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
28. You keep spare mouse pads.
29. You buy your computer gifts.
30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much
attention to your computer.
31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".
32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you
have the original disks.
33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box,
and you immediately remove the case.
34. You have ever called home to check on your computer.
35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because
it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo
of the "Intel Inside" logo.
37. You have a pet name for your computer, but
not one for your penis.
38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart,
because you've been convicted on all of them.
39. You no longer interact with your family,
you send them email instead; in the same house.
40. You check your email before you check your
41. You can program the next best thing to Windows,
but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.
42. You have more insurance on your computer than
on your children.
43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
44. You stopped paying for call waiting because
it kept knocking you off-line.
45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic
when you hear of a new computer virus.
46. You've ever emailed your assignment in
to your professor.
47. You've ever tried to see how far you can
move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.
48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
49. You call in sick to work over your computer.
50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and
HTTP each stand for.
52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and
when you finally get off work, you rush home to
tinker with your computer.
53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress
in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.
54. You have more than one home page.
55. The closest you ever come to having sex
is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.
56. You have a better computer system at home than at work.
57. You get jealous when other people use your computer.
58. You run back into your burning home to rescue
your computer, but you leave the dog.
59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you
have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.
60. You run Windows 95 and Windows NT just because you can.
61. You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
62. You know what word 31337 stands for.
63. You keep spare computer parts around the house.
Subj: Nerd Letters From Camp (DU)
From: Don Hatch on 97-04-08
(See 'Letter From Camp' in LETTERS2)
The following appeared in a computer
in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this.
I have nowhere else to
turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I
must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about
my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year
old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to
select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp
There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games,
singing by the campfire -- you know.
There were sports camps and specialty
camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized
in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp
Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an
adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni).
Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out
of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have
put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He
left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's
changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are
some of my little Billy's letters.
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers
are the only good part. We're learning how to program.
Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I
drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan
food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time
for the flowchart class.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor.
huh? It's spell checked too.
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost
stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was
real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go
outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in
the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year
fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is
the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some
phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled.
Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent
mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you
can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not
pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm
real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's
really easy! I got into the university's in less than fif-
teen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart.
He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so
upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe
me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud
of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A
publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid
for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only
ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do
not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable
(i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers).
I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is
your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
See what I mean? It's been two
weeks since I've heard from
my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's
probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by
printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a
life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
Thank you very much.
"Nunc hoc in marmore non est incisum."
Subj: A Girl's Guide To Geek Guys (DU)
From by Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat
Thanks go to Alan Kaltz for this one!
So, your crush on the bass player
from Vibrating Sandbox
has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering
where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either
dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls
in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or
permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays
all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a
humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential
mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man
of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature
with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.
Why Geek Dudes
They are generally available.
Other women will tend not to steal them.
They can fix things.
Your parents will love them.
Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative
music, geek dudes
tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find
them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest
hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates
impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with
their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went
to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the
logos of different software companies on them, thus showing
that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small,
though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the
geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes
up a conversation.
Of course the best way to meet
a geek dude is through the
Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting
some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in
which he has the chance to combine an activity he is com-
fortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable
with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just
an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are
frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your
You might notice that these men
harbor some strange ideas
about how the world works and some particularly strange
ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because
they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes
must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real
world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference
stage with such narratives, and try to model their
interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and
themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized
reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming
as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...
The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star
Trek, you can forget about
getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking
vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to
be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine,
your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of
Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to
act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt:
the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are
caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual
tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in
skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair.
The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of
permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world
metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees
himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who
secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come
along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you
are willing to accept that this is his starting point for
reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.
Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek
guy is only half the battle.
Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I
was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not
only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to
marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted
her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and
feeding of a geek man:
Geeks are sensitive and caring
lovers and husbands. If
you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best
mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or
hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over
time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give
geeks a chance.
Geeks tend towards packaged,
junk foods since they prefer
to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for
themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you
are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home
cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let
him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your
geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their
days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.
The geek dude has long work habits
and tends to bring his
work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his
hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work.
Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must;
if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to
talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get
stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be
understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above)
To relax, geeks love to play
the latest computer games. Let
him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he
wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been
ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people
on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He
comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point
blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese
animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your
Many geeks extend their work
friendships into what they
jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big
room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes
black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your
geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them
up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around
females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they
will come out of their shell and realize that you are into
the same things they are.
I thank Victoria for the above
advice. I must say that
when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her
section, she asked her husband which one he thought she
was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil,
immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria
was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character
with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble
(this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for
already thought about who she was most like.
He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
Victoria actually knew who he meant.
Folks, I think this marriage will last.
One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused
and ignored by society,
many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know
some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel
resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to
realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try
to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose
between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has
been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper
he hasn't quite grasped yet.
Geek dudes thrive on mystery
and love challenges and
intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one?
Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your
own? We thought so.
Subj: Nerd Season (S183, S637c)
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-15
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer
load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big
sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him,
sniffs, says he smells kind
of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck
drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a
skinny guy walks in with tape
around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-
populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You
don't even need a license, he said.
The truck driver finishes his
beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid
an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open
and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out
and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them
steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's
wrong? I thought nerds were
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Subj: Short Nerd Jokes
Nerd Rule #1 (S531c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/13/2002
"Be nice to nerds, because the chances are
you'll be working for one."
on June 09,2004 (S385b)
The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Suess
in the book "If I Ran to the Zoo."