Subj:     Nerd Jokes
                 (Includes 10 jokes and articles, 29 1058n,4,cif,wXT5a,3)

Animated Cliparts
Includes the following:  Nerd Rule #1 - Cartoon (S531c)
.........................Weird Al - White and Nerdy - Video (S510b)
.........................White And Nerdy - Quiz (S510b)
.........................Weird Al - Behind The Scenes "White And Nerdy" - Vid(S522b)
.........................You Might Be A Nerd If.... (DU)
.........................Nerd Letters From Camp (DU)
.........................A Girl's Guide To Geek Guys (DU)
.........................Nerd Season (S183, S637c)
.........................Short Nerd Jokes

Also see PROGRAMMER   - 'Quiz-Programmer Or Serial Killer'
         STARTREK1    - 'Star Wars Premier In New York City'
         TESTNERD1    -  (see whole file)
         TESTNERD2    -  (see whole file)
.........WORD_JOKS-SUP- 'Pearls Before Swine'

Subj:     Nerd Rule #1 (S531c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/21/2007
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Weird Al - White And Nerdy (S510b,d)
          From: eBaum's World on 10/31/2006
 At: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qYF9DZPdw
Picture from
Google Video

 (See 'Smells like Nirvana' in Music-Supp
  and 'Weird Al Yankovic's I'm Fat' in Fat
  and 'Amish Paradise' in Amish)

 "White and Nerdy" is the second single from "Weird Al"
 Yankovic's album Straight Outta Lynwood, which was released
 on September 26, 2006.  It parodies the song "Ridin'" by
 Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone.  The song both laments and
 revels in nerdiness, as recited by the subject who can't
 "roll with the gangstas" because he is "just too white and
 nerdy", and includes constant references to stereotypically
 nerdy things, such as editing Wikipedia and playing Dungeons
 and Dragons.

 You can see Al Yankovick's "White and Nerdy" by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     White And Nerdy - Quiz (S510b)
          From: TreeSong.org on 11/1/2006
..........Source: (Removed from treesong.org)

 This nerd quiz was written to celebrate the "White and Nerdy"
 gangster rap video.  You can test your nerdiness by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Weird Al - Behind The Scenes
             Of "White And Nerdy" (S522b,d)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/18/2007
Picture from
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TDAGJMj8zk

 This interview with Al Yankovic about the making of 'White And
 Nerdy' is excellent.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     You Might Be A Nerd If.... (DU)
          by Charles W. Plemons III
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

  1. Your web page is more popular than you.
  2. Your favorite sport is Tetris.
  3. You know what fuzzy logic is.
  4. You talk to your computer.
  5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper
     instead of Playboy.
  6. You argue with your computer.
  7. Your computer has its own phone line.
  8. You have dreams involving your computer.
  9. You try to pick up women on chat lines.
 10. You can talk to a woman about your hardware
     and not mean anything sexual.
 11. You spend Friday nights with your computer.
 12. You ask a woman for her email address instead
     of her phone number.
 13. You've never actually met many of your friends.
 14. You remember how to use DOS.
 15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
 16. Only computer users can understand you.
 17. Your home page is longer than your resume.
 18. You've ever installed Linux.
 19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted
     to play on your computer.
 20. You always understand Dilbert.
 21. You regularly drink Jolt cola.
 22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
 23. You have multiple email addresses.
 24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
 25. You understood the above statement.
 26. You search the Internet for computer humor.
 27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
 28. You keep spare mouse pads.
 29. You buy your computer gifts.
 30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much
     attention to your computer.
 31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".
 32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you
     have the original disks.
 33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box,
     and you immediately remove the case.
 34. You have ever called home to check on your computer.
 35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because
     it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
 36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo
     of the "Intel Inside" logo.
 37. You have a pet name for your computer, but
     not one for your penis.
 38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart,
     because you've been convicted on all of them.
 39. You no longer interact with your family,
     you send them email instead; in the same house.
 40. You check your email before you check your
     answering machine.
 41. You can program the next best thing to Windows,
     but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.
 42. You have more insurance on your computer than
     on your children.
 43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
 44. You stopped paying for call waiting because
     it kept knocking you off-line.
 45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic
     when you hear of a new computer virus.
 46. You've ever emailed your assignment in
     to your professor.
 47. You've ever tried to see how far you can
     move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.
 48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
 49. You call in sick to work over your computer.
 50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
 51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and
     HTTP each stand for.
 52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and
     when you finally get off work, you rush home to
     tinker with your computer.
 53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress
     in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.
 54. You have more than one home page.
 55. The closest you ever come to having sex
     is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.
 56. You have a better computer system at home than at work.
 57. You get jealous when other people use your computer.
 58. You run back into your burning home to rescue
     your computer, but you leave the dog.
 59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you
     have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.
 60. You run Windows 95 and Windows NT just because you can.
 61. You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
 62. You know what word 31337 stands for.
 63. You keep spare computer parts around the house.

Subj:     Nerd Letters From Camp (DU)
          From: Don Hatch on 97-04-08

 (See 'Letter From Camp' in LETTERS2)

 The following appeared in a computer magazine
 in Mr. Dvorak's column:

 Dear Mr. Dvorak:

 Ann Landers wouldn't print this.  I have nowhere else to
 turn.  I have to get the word out.  Warn other parents.  I
 must be rambling on.  Let me try and explain.  It's about
 my son, Billy.  He's always been a good, normal ten year
 old boy.   Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to
 select a summer camp for Billy.  We sorted through the camp

 There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games,
 singing by the campfire -- you know.

 There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
 reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized
 in Tibetan knot tying.  I tried to talk him into Camp
 Winnepoopoo.  It's where he went last year. (He made an
 adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni).
 Billy would have none of it.  Billy pulled a brochure out
 of his pocket.  It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!  We should have
 put our foot down right there, if only we had known.  He
 left three weeks ago.  I don't know what's happened.  He's
 changed.  I can't explain it. See for yourself.  These are
 some of my little Billy's letters.

 Dear Mom,
 The kids are dorky nerds.  The food stinks.  The computers
 are the only good part.  We're learning how to program.
 Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us
 stay up.

 Love, Billy.

 Dear Mom,
 Camp is O.K.  Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
 night.  We all get to choose what we want to drink.  I
 drink Classic Coke.  By the way, can you make Szechuan
 food?  I'm getting used to it now.  Gotta go, it's time
 for the flowchart class.

 Love, Billy.

 P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor.  Pretty swell,
 huh?  It's spell checked too.

 Dear Mom,
 Don't worry.  We do regular camp stuff.  We told ghost
 stories by the glow of the green computer screens.  It was
 real neat.  I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go
 outside very often.  You can't see the computer screen in
 the sunlight anyway.  That wimp camp I went to last year
 fed us weird food too.  Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

 Love, Billy.

 Dear Mom,
 I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough.  This is
 the best camp ever.  We scared the counselor with some
 phony worm code.  It was real funny.  He got mad and yelled.
 Frederick says it's okay.  Can you send more money?  I spent
 mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
 I've got to chip in on the phone bill.  Did you know that you
 can talk to people on a computer?  Give my regards to Dad.

 Love, Billy.

 Dear Mother,
 Forget the money for the telephone.  We've got a way to not
 pay.  Sorry I haven't written.  I've been learning a lot. I'm
 real good at getting onto any computer in the country.  It's
 really easy!  I got into the university's in less than fif-
 teen minutes.  Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
 me how.  Frederick is my bunk partner.  He's really smart.
 He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore.  So, I'm

 Signed, William.

 Dear Mother,
 How nice of you to come up on Parents Day.  Why'd you get so
 upset?  I haven't gained that much weight.  The glasses aren't
 real.  Everybody wears them.  I was trying to fit in.  Believe
 me, the tape on them is cool.  I thought that you'd be proud
 of my program.  After all, I've made some money on it.  A
 publisher is sending a check for $30,000.  Anyway, I've paid
 for the next six weeks of camp.  I won't be home until late

 Regards, William.

 Stop treating me like a child.  True -- physically I am only
 ten years old.  It was silly of you to try to kidnap me.  Do
 not try again.  Remember, I can make your life miserable
 (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers).
 I am not kidding.  O.K.?  I won't write again and this is
 your only warning.  The emotions of this interpersonal
 communication drain me.

 Sincerely, William.

 See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from
 my little boy.  What can I do, Mr.Dvorak?  I know that it's
 probably too late to save my little Billy.  But, if by
 printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a
 life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

 Thank you very much.
 Sally Gates,
 Concerned Parent

 "Nunc hoc in marmore non est incisum."

Subj:     A Girl's Guide To Geek Guys (DU)
          From by Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat
          Thanks go to Alan Kaltz for this one!

 So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox
 has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering
 where to go from here.  All the sinister dudes are either
 dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls
 in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or
 permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays
 all the bills.  Which will it be, a wifely prison or a
 humiliating one night stand?  Into this void of potential
 mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man
 of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature
 with a culture all his own.  In short, a geek.

     Why Geek Dudes Rule
     They are generally available.
     Other women will tend not to steal them.
     They can fix things.
     Your parents will love them.
     They're smart.

 Where The Geek Dude Lurks

 While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes
 tend not to go to shows too often.  Instead you'll find
 them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest
 hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates
 impressions.  You know how some people wear t-shirts with
 their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went
 to certain shows?  Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the
 logos of different software companies on them, thus showing
 that they are up on the latest, um, releases.  A small,
 though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the
 geek dudes.  Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes
 up a conversation.

 Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the
 Internet.  All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting
 some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in
 which he has the chance to combine an activity he is com-
 fortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable
 with, socializing.  To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just
 an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are
 frustrated by a lack of players.  Their lack is your


 You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas
 about how the world works and some particularly strange
 ideas about women.  There is a reason for this.  Because
 they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes
 must look elsewhere for behavior models.  Lacking a real
 world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference
 stage with such narratives, and try to model their
 interactions on them.  Thus, certain media images and
 themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized
 reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming
 as mere entertainment.  Case in point, our next topic...

 The Trek factor

 If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about
 getting or keeping a geek dude.  And I'm not just talking
 vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either.  You've got to
 be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine,
 your Babylon 5.  Armed with your own knowledge of
 Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to
 act.  The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt:
 the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are
 caretakers (a doctor and a counselor).  Note the sexual
 tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise:  the women, in
 skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair.
 The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of
 permanently attached computer auxiliary.  This world
 metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees
 himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who
 secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come
 along and deferentially accept him for who he is.  If you
 are willing to accept that this is his starting point for
 reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

 Once You've Nabbed Him

 Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle.
 Keeping him by your side is another story altogether.  I
 was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not
 only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to
 marry him just a few short months ago.  She interrupted
 her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and
 feeding of a geek man:

 Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands.  If
 you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best
 mates.  They are the most attractive people, not flashy or
 hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over
 time (I told you she was a newlywed).  Definitely give
 geeks a chance.

 Geek Cuisine

 Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer
 to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for
 themselves.  Make sure that your geek understands that you
 are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home
 cooked food.  A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let
 him know that you love him.  You do have to monitor your
 geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their
 days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

 Geek Lifestyle

 The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his
 work home with him.  He seems permanently connected to his
 hard disk.  You must at least appear interested in his work.
 Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must;
 if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to
 talk the talk.  Remember most geeks are anal and they get
 stressed about details which appear insignificant.  Be
 understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above)
 and empathize.

 To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games.  Let
 him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he
 wants to.  Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been
 ambushed by three MiGs.  My geek loves to try to help people
 on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst.  He
 comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point
 blank.  Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese
 animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your

 Geek Buddies

 Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they
 jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big
 room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes
 black with little lights").  The greatest thing about your
 geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them
 up with your girlfriends.  They may feel awkward around
 females at first, so don't overwhelm them.  In time they
 will come out of their shell and realize that you are into
 the same things they are.

 Post-It Note

 I thank Victoria for the above advice.  I must say that
 when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her
 section, she asked her husband which one he thought she
 was more like, Deanna or Beverly.  Howard, the devil,
 immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria
 was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character
 with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble
 (this is fairly apt).  This exchange is interesting for
 several reasons:

     Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
     He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
     Victoria actually knew who he meant.
     Folks, I think this marriage will last.

 One Last Thing

 Because they have been so abused and ignored by society,
 many geeks have gone underground.  You may actually know
 some and just haven't noticed them.  They often feel
 resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to
 realize this as you grow closer to them.  Don't ever try
 to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose
 between his computer and you.  Remember, his computer has
 been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper
 he hasn't quite grasped yet.

 Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and
 intellectual puzzles.  Don't you consider yourself one?
 Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your
 own?  We thought so.

Subj:     Nerd Season (S183, S637c)
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-15

 A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
 stops for a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big
 sign on the door saying


 He goes in and sits down.

 The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind
 of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.  The truck
 driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
 the computers he is hauling.  The bartender says OK, truck
 drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

 As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape
 around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
 pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.  The
 bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
 blows the guy away.  The truck driver asks him why he did
 that.  The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-
 populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.  You
 don't even need a license, he said.

 The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
 and heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid
 an accident, and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open
 and computers spill out all over the freeway.  He jumps out
 and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
 They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
 the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.  He can't let them
 steal his whole load.  So remembering what happened in the
 bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
 several of them instantly.  A highway patrol officer comes
 zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 The truck driver said, "What's wrong?  I thought nerds were
 in season."

 "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Subj:     Short Nerd Jokes

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/13/2002 (S280b)
 "Be nice to nerds, because the chances are
  you'll be working for one."

From: AmusingFacts.com on June 09,2004 (S385b)
 The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Suess
 in the book "If I Ran to the Zoo."

                           -(o o)-
..............................From Smiley_Central