Subj:     Hospital1 Jokes
                 (Includes 29 jokes and articles, 30 1003,12,cf,wXT3,8)

Hospital Nurse
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Includes the following:  New Alzheimer's Treatment (S949)
.........................How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy - Video (S593)
.........................Toughest Time Of My Life (S587c)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S909)
.........................Penmanship (S576b)
.........................Ameriquest's Hospital Commercial (S581)
.........................Two Similar Patients (S494b)
.........................Exporting Health Care To India (S490b)
.........................Extra Patient Care - Drawing (S399)
.........................Nurse Checks Testicles (S359b, S840)
.........................Professor Lectures Medical Students (S131B, S366b)
.........................Maxine's Living Will - Drawing (S588)
.........................Two Guys To Be Dismissed From Nut House (S99)
.........................Two Little Kids In A Hospital (S98, S619)
.........................Man Farts During Surgery - Newspaper Article (S513c)
.........................Uncle Names The Twins (S70, S615)
.........................Wife Has Skin Graft (S63, S503c)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon II (S912)
.........................CEO Has His Temperature Taken (S20, S689)
.........................The Hospital Bill (S64, S530c)
.........................Cancer Update - Web Page (S543c)
.........................Handsome Man Goes To Hospital
.........................Managed Friendship Plan (HMO)
.........................Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma - Web Page (S549c)
.........................Welcome To HMO America
.........................Wife Dying In Hospital (S18, S460)
.........................In An Accident - Cartoon (S470b)
.........................Minor Operation And Men In White (S249, S661b)
.........................Hillary Visits A Hospital (S168)
.........................Prostate Surgery - Web Page (S589b)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Gerbil Sex'
......................- 'Patients Die On Friday Morning'
......................- 'Man Has Three Accidents In One Day'
         ACCIDENTS2   - 'Man Determined To Commit Suicide'
         ARAB file    - 'What Should We Do With Bin Laden?'
         ARKANSAS     - 'Woman Shot In Car'
         BALLS file   - 'Holland Man Castrated In Hospital' - Video
         BANKING file - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
......................- 'Transfusions Of Chicken Blood'
         BODY PARTS   - 'Medical Animation - Heal' - Video
         BREAST file  - 'Mamomogram Nightmare'
         BUGS_ETC     - 'Licking Envelopes'
         CARS file    - 'Car Has Flat Tire By Mental Hospital'
         CATS2 file   - 'Cat Scan Picture'
         CLINTON-SCND1- 'Clinton Has A Red Rash'
......................- 'Lewinsky Has An Operation'
         COMPUTERS_SUP- 'Your Computer Could Be Killing You'
         COWBOY file  - 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Flashing Your Breasts'
......................- 'Dynamite In A Car'
         DATING2 file - 'Finding A Picture Of The Competition'
         DENTIST file - 'How To Make Surgical Gloves'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song'
......................- 'Man Needs Brain Transplant'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine'
......................- 'Medical Terms'
......................- 'Understanding Medical Terminology'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
......................- 'New Drugs For Men'
......................- 'Medical Diagnoses'
......................- 'Viagra Jokes'
......................- 'A Short History Of Medicine!'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Patient Comments During Colonoscopies'
......................- 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine'
         DRINKINGBEER1- 'Hydrogen Beer'
         ELDERLY2     - '80 Year Old Has Three Kids'
......................- 'Man Has Face Lift'
         ELDERLY3     - 'Grandpa Likes Hospital'
         FACTS1 file  - 'Life Expectancy Calculator'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Party And Travel Dangers'
         FACTS4 file  - '3% Hydrogen Peroxide'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Two Sheriffs Arrest Diabetic'
         FART file    - 'Woman Explodes During Operation'
         FAT file     - 'Dr. Mike Evans - 23 and 1/2 hours' - Video
         FOOD_ETC file- 'God And The Devil Create Foods'
         FUNERAL file - 'Funeral Home Worker Sick'
         GAMES-SUPP   - 'Longevity Game'
         GHOST file   - 'Drunk Walks Past Hospital'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golfer Hurt On Course'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Golfer's Wife In ICU'
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Three Nurses Go To Heaven, One Is A HMO'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Woman Dies And Returns To Earth'
         HOOKER file  - 'HMO Pays For Sex'
         HUNTING-CAMP - 'Deer Hunter Has Stroke'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Work Policy'
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Anal Glaucoma'
         LATIN_AMERICA- 'Brazil's Anti-Smoking Campaign'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Has Operation'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Couple Wants To Have Another Child'
......................- 'Wife Stays With Man Through Bad Times'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'Husband Shares Wife's Birth Pain'
         MUSIC file   - 'Schubert's Unmanaged Symphony' (HMO)
         NUNS2 file   - 'Dr. Lombardi Treated Mother Teresa' - Video
         PHONE file   - 'Answering Machine At Mental Hospital'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'iDoctor - Smartphone, The Future Of Medicine' - Video
......................- 'New Orleans 911 Call'
         PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves Lives!'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane'
         PLANE-SUPP2  - 'Wile E Coyote's Health Tip' - Drawing
         PENIS2 file  - 'Man In Accident Looses Penis'
......................- 'Man Goes Into Hospital For Circumcision'
         POLICE1 file - 'Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!'
......................- 'FBI Orders Pizza'
         POLITICAL-PCS- 'Over Qualified'
         PREGNANT     - 'Lady Has Strange Baby'
......................- 'Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting'
         PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Don't Go To The Doctor In June/July' - Video
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Three Nuts At The Insane Asylum'
.........................(see whole file)
         QTS-COMED-SUP- 'Mark Lowry Comedy Video!!'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Redneck Medical Dictionary'
         SEX-SUPP     - 'Medical Warning'
         SOLDIER1 file- 'The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital'
         SOUTHERN     - 'Alabama Medical Directory'
         STORIES file - 'Two Men Share A Hospital Room'
         TEAR JERKER1 - 'You Are My Sunshine'
......................- 'Attitude Is Everything'
......................- 'Awful-Looking Old Man Knocks At The Door'
         THOUGHTS-LND2- 'How To Survive A Heart Attack Alone' in NonJokes
.........THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Handbook 2010'
.........TRAIN file   - 'Heart Attack On A Train'

Subj:     New Alzheimer's Treatment (S949)
          From: Jasmin Dunlop Powell on Facebook
 Subj: http://www.sciencealert.com/new-alzheimer-
.......Click on the above source to learn about it's cure.
Subj:     How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy (S593d)
          From: cappucinid on 6/1/2008
Picture from YouTube
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/QI1go72c5H8
 (See 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song' in Doctor1,
      'Scottish Colonoscopy' in Socttish,
......'Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam' in Quotes-Comed-Supp,
  and 'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in Doctor-supp)

 Lou Rawls gives Damon Wayans a Colon exam.  You can view this
 very funny video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Toughest Time Of My Life (S587c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 4/18/2008

"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering
from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by
tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic
cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis,
rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled
through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S909)
          By Dan Piraro on 6/20/2014
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/june-20-2014/
Subj:     Penmanship (S576b)
          From: tom on 1/23/2008

 A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
 18-hour shift.  Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
 rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
 with it.

 When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
 gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
 that's great....some asshole's got my pen!

Subj:     Ameriquest's Hospital Commercial
          From: AFine963 on 3/7/2008 (S581d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/UYxe7c1Gm3c

 This is one of Ameriquest's cute "Maybe It Is Not What
 It Looks Like" commercials.  Click 'HERE' to view it.

Subj:     Two Similar Patients (S494b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/13/2006

 (Also see 'Prostate Surgery' in this file)

 Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics
 with the  same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and
 appear to require a hip replacement.

 The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
 same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
 appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist,
 then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month
 and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

 Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 The first is a Golden Retriever.....The second is a Senior

Subj:     Exporting Health Care To India (S490b)
          From: jerry on 6/13/2006

 Blue Ridge Paper Products of Canton, Ohio, is considering a
 plan where they would pay the air fare and lodging for an
 employee and a family member to have the employee undergo
 surgery in an accredited hospital in India and then allow
 the employee to keep 25% of the savings.

 This could be a bonus worth thousands of dollars to an

 A $50,000 hip procedure in the US would cost about $18,000
 in India including airfare and lodging.  $8,000 would then
 go to the employee.

 "We're not exporting health care to India as much as importing
 competition in the United States," said company President Tom
 Keesling, a former hospital CEO who helped launch IndUShealth
 last year.

 Citizen-Times (North Carolina) 13-Jun-06

Subj:     Extra Patient Care (S399)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/7/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/)
Subj:     Nurse Checks Testicles (S359b, S840)
          From: Imogenelumen on 12/13/2003
      and From: tom on 2/15/2013

 A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask
 over his mouth.  A young nurse appears to sponge his hands
 and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are
 my testicles black?"

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm
 only here to wash your hands and feet"

 He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds
 his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand
 and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong
 with them!"

 The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was
 very nice but, are...  my...  test...  results...  back?"

Subj:     Professor Lectures Medical Students (S131B, S366b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/5/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/27/2004

 (Also see 'Vet School Students Learn Lesson' in College-Grad)

 A professor is giving the first year medical students their
 first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
 basics before starting.  "You must be capable of two things
 to do an autopsy.  The first thing is that you must have no
 sense of fear."  At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
 into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

 He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses
 in front of them.  After a couple of minutes silence, they
 follow suit.

 "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
 observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
 but I licked my index."

Subj:     Maxine's Living Will (S588)
          From: ginafm on 4/25/2008

 I've grown tired of most of Maxine's 'Pearls of Wisdom',
 but this one is great.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Two Guys To Be Dismissed From Nut House (S99)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #291 on 98-12-10

 Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had
 an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives
 them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed
 cured and free to go.

 Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he
 understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions
 correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked
 out one of your eyes?"

 Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

 "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

 "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's
 hand, and told him he was free.

 On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon
 mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what
 questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

 So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities
 and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

 Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct
 answer said, "I'd be half blind."

 The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut
 off the other ear?"

 "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

 "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

 "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

Subj:     Two Little Kids In A Hospital (S98, S619)
          From: From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
      and From: darrellvip on 11/19/2008

 Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were
 laying next to each other?  The first kid leans over and asked,
 "What are you in here for?"

 The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
 I'm a little nervous."

 The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had
 that done to me once.  They put you to sleep and when you wake
 up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a piece
 of cake!"

 The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

 The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
 The second kid said, "Whoa!  I had that done when I was born.
 I couldn't walk for a year!"

Subj:     Man Farts During Surgery
          From: LABLaughsAdult20061113 
          on 11/13/2006 (S513c)
 Source: (Removed by lablaughs.com/)

 You can read this ball burning accident on my site
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Uncle Names The Twins (S70, S615)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #136 on 98-06-02

 A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to
 the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
 Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relent-
 less world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

 He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
 "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a
 daughter.  But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the
 birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife
 were unconscious, I named them for you."

 The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
 done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you
 name them?"

 The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

 The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
 What did you come up with for my son?"

 The brother replied, "Denephew.

Subj:     Wife Has Skin Graft (S63, S503c)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-19
      and From: darrell94590 on 9/7/2006

 There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
 The woman's face was burned severely.  The doctor told the
 husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
 she was so skinny.

 The husband then donated some of his skin.  However, the
 only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.

 The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
 after all this was a very delicate matter!

 After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
 the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she
 ever did before!  All of her friends and relatives just
 ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

 She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to
 thank him for what he did.  She said, "Dear, I just want to
 thank you for everything you did for me!  There is no way I
 could ever repay you!!!

 He replied, "Oh don't worry, honey.  I get plenty thanks
 enough everytime your mother comes over and kisses you on
 your cheek!!

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon II (S912)
          By Dan Piraro on 7/2/2014
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/july-2-2014/
Subj:     CEO Has His Temperature Taken (S20, S689)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-11
      and From: darrellvip on 3/31/2010

 A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
 the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because
 he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
 None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
 with him.

 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
 She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
 temperature."  After complaining for several minutes, he
 finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
 can't use an oral thermometer.  This started another round
 of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his

 After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
 announce, "I have to get something.  Now you stay JUST LIKE
 THAT until I get back!"  She leaves the door to his room
 open on her way out.  He curses under his breath as he hears
 people walking past his door, laughing.

 After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
 "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.  Angrily, the man
 answers, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't you ever seen
 someone having their temperature taken?"

 After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Subj:     The Hospital Bill (S64, S530c)
          From: ossama on 98-04-18
      and From: gordonschuk on 3/15/2007

 A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in
 for coronary surgery.  The operation went well and, as the
 groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
 Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

 "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
 gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
 how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
 by insurance?"

 "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

 "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

 "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

 "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

 "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.  "But
 she's a humble spinster nun."

 "Oh, I must correct you,  Mr. Smith.  Nuns are not
 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

 "Wonderful," said Smith.  "In that case, please send the
 bill to my brother-in-law."

Subj:     Cancer Update (S543c)
          From: gordonschuk on 6/6/2007
Picture from Scribbles Embroderied Designs

 This article is NOT a joke.  It is a series of suggestions
 on how to prevent cancer using certain foods and cooking
 safe guards.  You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Handsome Man Goes To Hospital
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #75 on 98-03-25

 A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
 surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by
 to see how the guy was doing.

 The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered
 the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to
 fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.  "Why
 all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

 "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed
 a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision
 required twenty-seven stitches."

Subj:     Managed Friendship Plan (HMO)
          From: Anaise on 98-02-12


 Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking
 about friends and relationships.  The Managed Friendship
 Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional
 friendship network with important cost-saving features.

 How Does It Work?
 Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
 pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs).  All
 your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed
 Friendship Staff.

 What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
 If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship
 services from a network of providers haphazardly patched
 together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.
 The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and
 conflict.  Many of your current friends may not meet
 national standards, responding to your needs with inappro-
 priate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
 Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are
 coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will
 ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your
 friendly relationships.

 How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not
 Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on
 Their Own?
 Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained
 Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about
 delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner.
 They have joined our network because they want to focus
 on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork
 and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have
 caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket.
 Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards
 of companionship and loyalty.

 What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
 Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
 and expensive activities that burden already costly

 Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is
 qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend
 within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs
 fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

 Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friend-
 ship Network?
 You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship
 Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

 What is a Friendship Emergency?
 The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs
 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a
 friend out of town, after regular business hours, or
 when your Best Friend is with someone else.  You might
 be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find
 that you feel lonely.  In such cases, you may make a
 New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will
 be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the
 Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline)
 within two business days.

 What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
 Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
    - Agreeing with you
    - Appearing sympathetic
    - Chewing the fat
    - Dropping by
    - Feeling your pain
    - Gossiping
    - Hanging out
    - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
    - Joshing
    - Kidding around
    - Listening to you whine
    - Partying
    - Passing the time
    - Patting your back
    - Ribbing
    - Sharing a meal
    - Shooting the breeze
    - Slinging the bull
    - Teasing
 *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

 What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
 Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but
 are not limited to):
    - Bar hopping
    - Bending over backwards
    - Drinking to excess
    - Giving a hoot
    - Going the extra mile
    - Lending money
    - Real empathy
    - Sexual favors
    - Truly caring
    - Using illicit drugs

 How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
 A simple call is all it takes.  If you need a friend,
 just call our toll-free number.  Or visit our web site.
 Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier
 that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

 Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
 We do.  Isn't that what friends are for?

Subj:     Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma (S549c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/23/2007
 Source: http://www.thatsweird.net/news37.shtml
Photo from
 (WARNING - The source site has malware)

 Jan Grzebski woke up after being asleep for 19 years, to
 find that his world had changed beyond all recognition.
 The Polish railway worker lost consciousness in 1988
 after being struck by a train.  He didn't come out of
 his coma until Sunday June 3 2007.  You can read the
 story by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Welcome To HMO America
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #39 on 98-02-09

 Welcome to HMO America. Your health maintenance is our
 number one concern.  Your call is important so do not hang
 up. Please  select from the following choices:

 If you think that you have a life or limb-threatening
 emergency, press one now...

 Welcome to HMO  America, we value your call, so stay on
 the line

 If you think  you have a limb or life-threatening emergency
 and need to go to a  hospital before the end of this phone
 message, do so now. Remember, however, if HMO America
 determines in hindsight (20-20) that you did  not have a
 limb or life-threatening emergency, you will be  responsible
 for all of the hospital and physician charges which could
 run into several thousand dollars (4).

 Please select from one of the following questions:

 If you are having  head pain,     press one now.
 If you are having chest pain,     press two  now.
 If you are having abdominal pain, press three now.
 If you are  having leg pain,      press four now.

 If you do not know where the pain is located, press five
 now.  Incidentally, if you are still using a rotary phone,
 you are going to die.

 You have selected item number one, headache.

 If the pain is in front of your head, press one now.
 If the pain is in the back of your head, press two now.

 You have selected number one, pain in front of the head.

 If the pain has been present for less than one week
    but greater than an hour, press one.
 If the pain has been greater than a  week, press two.

 Your have selected number two, chronic headache which has
 a 95% chance of being a non-emergency.  Should you elect
 to wait until tomorrow to see your gatekeeper HMO doctor
 rather than going to the  emergency room, you will receive
 ten discount coupons on your next premium payment...

 You have selected item number two, chest pain as the
 location of your emergency.  There are many causes of
 chest pain, other than heart attack and the majority can
 be treated over the phone by our nurse manager.

 Please select from the following menu concerning your
 chest pain.

 If the pain is substernal radiating into the neck or arm,
    press one now.
 If there is shortness of breath associated with it,
    press two now.

 You have selected item number one, substernal, radiating
 chest pain. If you have had the chest pain for greater
 than 30 minutes but less than four hours, press one.

 You have selected chest pain for greater than 30 minutes
 but less than four hours.

 Please select from the following: press one for yes, two
 for no:
 1) Did you eat any spicy foods that may have caused heartburn?
 2) Have your ever had this pain before and it did not kill
    you? (Remember press one for yes and two for no.)
 3) Has your mother-in-law visited?
 4) Are you currently taking medications for heart disease?
    If so, please spell these medicines out on your convenient
    touch-tone telephone and remember to press the pound sign
    after each medication.

 You have scored an eight out of ten on our automated health
 maintenance phone system.  If you still want to talk to one
 of our nurse managers, press one.

 If you think the problem has "terminated," please hang up
 now as other fellow subscribers may be trying to call our

 Your call is important so do not hang up. You have selected
 one, so please do not hang up, your call will be answered
 by the next available nurse manger...  All of our nurse
 managers are currently helping fellow subscribers and the
 next available manager will get to you as soon as possible...

 If you feel that you have made this call in error, please
 hang up now.  Thank you for using our health maintenance
 system for your health.  Have a nice day.  Tell a friend
 or family member about our plan and if they qualify, you
 will receive 10% reimbursement on your next premium. Have
 a nice day and remember the next time you or your family
 needs health care think of HMO America, where we manage
 your health care so your physicians do not have to.

Subj:     Wife Dying In Hospital (S18, S460)
          From: Vcarlew4 on 97-06-01
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005

 Because of a terrible car accident, a woman has been in a
 coma for several months.  Her husband visits her daily, but
 there has been no sign of improvement.

 One day the husband is talking to his comatose wife and he
 begins to rub her lower leg.  She starts to move her head
 and her hand twitches.  The doctor rushes in from the nurses
 station where he had noticed her improving vital signs.  He
 notices the husband rubbing his wifes leg and suggests that
 perhaps she might improve even more if he rubbed her leg a
 little closer to the crotch.  The husband obliges and
 immediately the woman starts to moan and move about, but she
 still does not come out of the coma.

 The doctor, intrigued by her improvement, suggests that maybe
 the husband could try a little oral sex with her.  The husband
 says he will try anything that could help his loving wife.
 The doctor leaves the couple alone, assuring the man that he
 will monitor the womans response from the nurses station.
 After several minutes of increased heartrate, the woman suddenly
 flatlines-dead as a doornail!  The doctor rushes into the room,
 looks at the dead woman, and asks the husband what happened.

 The husband replied "I think she choked".

Subj:     In An Accident (S470b)
          From: LABLaughsClean20060130 on 1/30/2006
..........At: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)

 I had forgotten how big of a deal this was to my parents
 during my childhood.  You can view this cartoon by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Minor Operation And Men In White (249, S661b)
          From: dogbyte on 11/3/2001

 A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
 She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and
 brought to the freshly painted corridor.  Before they enter
 the room the nurse leaves her behind and go in to check
 whether everything is ready.

 A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away
 and starts examining her naked body.  He walks away and talks
 to another man in a white coat.  The second man comes over
 and does the same examinations.  When the third man starts
 examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:
 "All this examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are
 you going to start the operation?"  The man in the white coat
 lifting his shoulders:

 "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Subj:     Hillary Visits A Hospital (S168)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30
      and From: gheckman on 4/16/00

 In the days when Hillary was trying to reform the American
 health care system she decided she needed a tour of a D.C.
 Hospital.  On the tour she came to a room on the male urology
 ward with the door closed.  She opened the door and screamed.

 On the bed was a nurse giving the patient a hand job.  Her
 doctor tour guide reassured her that everything was O.K. and
 that the patient had a disease of the testicles which required
 the collection of a sperm sample twice per day to ensure that
 the medication was working.

 Hillary was not pleased but continued on the tour until she
 came to a second door, also closed which she proceeded to open.
 What she saw reduced her to hysterics for inside was a nurse
 giving the patient a blow job.

 The doctor went over to the bed and read the patients chart.
 "What an amazing coincidence," he said, "this man has the very
 same disease of the testicles.

 Hillary says,"Oh, but why is he getting a blow job, while the
 first man is jerking off?"

 The nurse says," Better medical coverage."

Subj:     Prostate Surgery (S589b)
          From: tom on 4/28/2008
 (Also see 'Two Similar Patients' in this file

 This story would be funny if it were not so true!!!
 Click 'HERE'to read it.

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central