hospital1

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Subj: Hospital1 Jokes
(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 12852n,9,cf,md4,8)

Hospital Nurse
from
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery

Lou Rawls gives Damon Wayans a Colon exam. You can view this
very funny movie at the above source, or on my site by clicking
'HERE'.

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Subj: Toughest Time Of My Life (S587c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/18/2008

"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering
from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by
tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic
cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis,
rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled
through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

Top
Subj: Penmanship (S576b)
From: tom on 1/23/2008

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
that's great....some asshole's got my pen!

Top

Subj: Ameriquest's Hospital Commercial
From: AFine963 on 3/7/2008 (S581d)

This is one of Ameriquest's cute "Maybe It Is Not What
It Looks Like" commercials. Click 'HERE' to view it.

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Subj:     Two Similar Patients (S494b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/13/2006
          (Also see 'Prostate Surgery' in this file)

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics
with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month
and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....The second is a Senior
Citizen.

Top
Subj: Exporting Health Care To India (S490b)
From: jerry on 6/13/2006

Blue Ridge Paper Products of Canton, Ohio, is considering a
plan where they would pay the air fare and lodging for an
employee and a family member to have the employee undergo
surgery in an accredited hospital in India and then allow
the employee to keep 25% of the savings.

This could be a bonus worth thousands of dollars to an
employee.

A $50,000 hip procedure in the US would cost about $18,000
in India including airfare and lodging. $8,000 would then
go to the employee.

"We're not exporting health care to India as much as importing
competition in the United States," said company President Tom
Keesling, a former hospital CEO who helped launch IndUShealth
last year.

Citizen-Times (North Carolina) 13-Jun-06

Top
Subj:     Extra Patient Care (S399)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/7/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/073.htm

Top
Subj:     Nurse Checks Testicles (S359b, S840)
          From: Imogenelumen on 12/13/2003
      and From: tom on 2/15/2013

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands
and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are
my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm
only here to wash your hands and feet"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds
his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand
and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was
very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?"

Top
Subj:     Professor Lectures Medical Students (S131B, S366b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/5/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/27/2004
      (Also see 'Vet School Students Learn Lesson' in College-Grad)

A professor is giving the first year medical students their
first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things
to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no
sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses
in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they
follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
but I licked my index."

Top

Subj: Maxine's Living Will (S588)
From: ginafm on 4/25/2008

I've grown tired of most of Maxine's 'Pearls of Wisdom',
but this one is great. You can view it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Two Guys To Be Dismissed From Nut House (S99)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #291 on 98-12-10

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had
an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives
them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed
cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he
understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions
correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked
out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's
hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon
mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what
questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities
and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct
answer said, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut
off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

Top
Subj:     Two Little Kids In A Hospital (S98, S619)
          From: From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
      and From: darrellvip on 11/19/2008

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were
laying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked,
"What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had
that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece
of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
I couldn't walk for a year!"

Top

Subj:     Man Farts During Surgery (S513c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult20061113
          on 11/13/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19941108

You can read this ball burning accident at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Uncle Names The Twins (S70, S615)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #136 on 98-06-02

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to
the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relent-
less world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a
daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the
birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife
were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you
name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew.

Top
Subj:     The Hospital Bill (S64, S530c)
          From: ossama on 98-04-18
      and From: gordonschuk on 3/15/2007

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in
for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But
she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not
'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the
bill to my brother-in-law."

Top

Subj: Cancer Update (S543c)
From: gordonschuk on 6/6/2007
Picture from Scribbles Embroderied Designs

This article is NOT a joke. It is a series of suggestions
on how to prevent cancer using certain foods and cooking
safe guards. You can read it on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Handsome Man Goes To Hospital
From: humorlist-digest V2 #75 on 98-03-25

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by
to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered
the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to
fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why
all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed
a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision
required twenty-seven stitches."

Top
Subj: Managed Friendship Plan (HMO)
From: Anaise on 98-02-12
____________________

MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
____________________

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking
about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship
Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional
friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?
===============
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All
your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed
Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
===============================
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship
services from a network of providers haphazardly patched
together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.
The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and
conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs with inappro-
priate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are
coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will
ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your
friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not
Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on
Their Own?
======================================
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained
Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about
delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner.
They have joined our network because they want to focus
on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork
and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have
caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket.
Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards
of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
============================================
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
and expensive activities that burden already costly
relationships.

Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is
qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend
within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs
fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friend-
ship Network?
========================================================
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship
Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?
=========================
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs
24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a
friend out of town, after regular business hours, or
when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might
be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find
that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a
New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will
be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the
Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline)
within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
=========================================
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
    - Agreeing with you
    - Appearing sympathetic
    - Chewing the fat
    - Dropping by
    - Feeling your pain
    - Gossiping
    - Hanging out
    - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
    - Joshing
    - Kidding around
    - Listening to you whine
    - Partying
    - Passing the time
    - Patting your back
    - Ribbing
    - Sharing a meal
    - Shooting the breeze
    - Slinging the bull
    - Teasing
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
=============================================
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but
are not limited to):
    - Bar hopping
    - Bending over backwards
    - Drinking to excess
    - Giving a hoot
    - Going the extra mile
    - Lending money
    - Real empathy
    - Sexual favors
    - Truly caring
    - Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
=================================================
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend,
just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site.
Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier
that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
================================
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

Top

Subj:     Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma (S549c)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 7/23/2007 Photo from
ThatsWeird.net

Source: http://www.thatsweird.net/news37.shtml

Jan Grzebski woke up after being asleep for 19 years, to
find that his world had changed beyond all recognition.
The Polish railway worker lost consciousness in 1988 after
being struck by a train. He didn't come out of his coma
until Sunday June 3 2007. You can read the story at the
source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: Welcome To HMO America
From: humorlist-digest V2 #39 on 98-02-09

Welcome to HMO America. Your health maintenance is our
number one concern. Your call is important so do not hang
up. Please select from the following choices:

If you think that you have a life or limb-threatening
emergency, press one now...

Welcome to HMO America, we value your call, so stay on
the line

If you think you have a limb or life-threatening emergency
and need to go to a hospital before the end of this phone
message, do so now. Remember, however, if HMO America
determines in hindsight (20-20) that you did not have a
limb or life-threatening emergency, you will be responsible
for all of the hospital and physician charges which could
run into several thousand dollars (4).

Please select from one of the following questions:

If you are having head pain,     press one now.
If you are having chest pain,     press two now.
If you are having abdominal pain, press three now.
If you are having leg pain,      press four now.

If you do not know where the pain is located, press five
now. Incidentally, if you are still using a rotary phone,
you are going to die.

You have selected item number one, headache.

If the pain is in front of your head, press one now.
If the pain is in the back of your head, press two now.

You have selected number one, pain in front of the head.

If the pain has been present for less than one week
but greater than an hour, press one.
If the pain has been greater than a week, press two.

Your have selected number two, chronic headache which has
a 95% chance of being a non-emergency. Should you elect
to wait until tomorrow to see your gatekeeper HMO doctor
rather than going to the emergency room, you will receive
ten discount coupons on your next premium payment...

You have selected item number two, chest pain as the
location of your emergency. There are many causes of
chest pain, other than heart attack and the majority can
be treated over the phone by our nurse manager.

Please select from the following menu concerning your
chest pain.

If the pain is substernal radiating into the neck or arm,
press one now.
If there is shortness of breath associated with it,
press two now.

You have selected item number one, substernal, radiating
chest pain. If you have had the chest pain for greater
than 30 minutes but less than four hours, press one.

You have selected chest pain for greater than 30 minutes
but less than four hours.

Please select from the following: press one for yes, two
for no:
1) Did you eat any spicy foods that may have caused heartburn?
2) Have your ever had this pain before and it did not kill
    you? (Remember press one for yes and two for no.)
3) Has your mother-in-law visited?
4) Are you currently taking medications for heart disease?
    If so, please spell these medicines out on your convenient
    touch-tone telephone and remember to press the pound sign
    after each medication.

You have scored an eight out of ten on our automated health
maintenance phone system. If you still want to talk to one
of our nurse managers, press one.

If you think the problem has "terminated," please hang up
now as other fellow subscribers may be trying to call our
system.

Your call is important so do not hang up. You have selected
one, so please do not hang up, your call will be answered
by the next available nurse manger... All of our nurse
managers are currently helping fellow subscribers and the
next available manager will get to you as soon as possible...

If you feel that you have made this call in error, please
hang up now. Thank you for using our health maintenance
system for your health. Have a nice day. Tell a friend
or family member about our plan and if they qualify, you
will receive 10% reimbursement on your next premium. Have
a nice day and remember the next time you or your family
needs health care think of HMO America, where we manage
your health care so your physicians do not have to.

Top
Subj:     Wife Dying In Hospital (S18, S460)
          From: Vcarlew4 on 97-06-01
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005

Because of a terrible car accident, a woman has been in a
coma for several months. Her husband visits her daily, but
there has been no sign of improvement.

One day the husband is talking to his comatose wife and he
begins to rub her lower leg. She starts to move her head
and her hand twitches. The doctor rushes in from the nurses
station where he had noticed her improving vital signs. He
notices the husband rubbing his wifes leg and suggests that
perhaps she might improve even more if he rubbed her leg a
little closer to the crotch. The husband obliges and
immediately the woman starts to moan and move about, but she
still does not come out of the coma.

The doctor, intrigued by her improvement, suggests that maybe
the husband could try a little oral sex with her. The husband
says he will try anything that could help his loving wife.
The doctor leaves the couple alone, assuring the man that he
will monitor the womans response from the nurses station.
After several minutes of increased heartrate, the woman suddenly
flatlines-dead as a doornail! The doctor rushes into the room,
looks at the dead woman, and asks the husband what happened.

The husband replied "I think she choked".

Top
Subj:     CEO Has His Temperature Taken (S20, S689)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-11
      and From: darrellvip on 3/31/2010

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE
THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room
open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears
people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man
answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Top

Subj:     In An Accident (S470b)
          From: LABLaughsClean20060130
          on 1/30/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060129

I had forgotten how big of a deal this was to my parents
during my childhood. You can view this cartoon at the
source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Minor Operation And Men In White (249, S661b)
From: dogbyte on 11/3/2001

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and
brought to the freshly painted corridor. Before they enter
the room the nurse leaves her behind and go in to check
whether everything is ready.

A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away
and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks
to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over
and does the same examinations. When the third man starts
examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:
"All this examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are
you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat
lifting his shoulders:

"I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Top
Subj:     Hillary Visits A Hospital (S168)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30
      and From: gheckman on 4/16/00

In the days when Hillary was trying to reform the American
health care system she decided she needed a tour of a D.C.
Hospital. On the tour she came to a room on the male urology
ward with the door closed. She opened the door and screamed.

On the bed was a nurse giving the patient a hand job. Her
doctor tour guide reassured her that everything was O.K. and
that the patient had a disease of the testicles which required
the collection of a sperm sample twice per day to ensure that
the medication was working.

Hillary was not pleased but continued on the tour until she
came to a second door, also closed which she proceeded to open.
What she saw reduced her to hysterics for inside was a nurse
giving the patient a blow job.

The doctor went over to the bed and read the patients chart.
"What an amazing coincidence," he said, "this man has the very
same disease of the testicles.

Hillary says,"Oh, but why is he getting a blow job, while the
first man is jerking off?"

The nurse says," Better medical coverage."

Top
Subj:     Wife Has Skin Graft (S63, S503c)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-19
      and From: darrell94590 on 9/7/2006

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the
husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the
only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever did before! All of her friends and relatives just
ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to
thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I
could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, honey. I get plenty thanks
enough everytime your mother comes over and kisses you on
your cheek!!

Top

Subj: Prostate Surgery (S589b)
From: tom on 4/28/2008
(Also see 'Two Similar Patients' in this file

This story would be funny if it were not so true!!!
Click 'HERE' to read it.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
..............................Smiley in the Hospital from Smiley_Central
.
.
.