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Subj:     Hospital2 Jokes
                 (Includes 64 jokes and articles, 22 1032,8,cf,wYT3,5)

      Click "Here" for Hospital-Supp


Tapheart from
Millanimations
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Includes the following:  Whyatt Cartoons (S867 in Supp)
.........................It's Payback Time - Video (S923 in Supp)
.........................The Effects Of DBS On Parkinson's Disease - Vid (S859-Supp)
.........................The Blue Shield Song - Musical Video (S884 in Supp)
.........................Archie Bunker And The Doctor - Video (S849 in Supp)
.........................Rare Blood Type (S1032 in Supp)
.........................3D-Printed "Magic Arms" - Video (S813 in Supp)
.........................The Skin Gun - Video (S783 in Supp)
.........................Yoav Medan: Ultrasound Surgery - Video (S782 in Supp)
.........................Robin Williams Discusses Propofol - Video (S776 in Supp)
.........................Can We Eat To Starve Cancer? - Video (S696b in Supp)
.........................Cold Vs H1N1 Flu Symptoms (S665 in Supp)
.........................Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh II (S813 in Supp)
.........................Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh (S640b in Supp)
.........................Ann Telnaes Cartoons - GIF (S654 in Supp)
.........................Gettin' It Checked - Poem (S596c in Supp)
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.........................George Clooney On Jimmy Kimmel Live (S994)
.........................Lamaze Class (S206, S494b)
.........................A Hermaphrodite Baby (S168, S630)
.........................Hillbilly Medical Terms (S450)
.........................Man Gets Bionic Arm (S404b)
.........................Hospital Wants To Cut Off Man's Penis (S399b)
.........................Patrolman Has Operation (S398b)
.........................Angry Old Man And The Nurse (S362, S621)
.........................Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident (S349)
.........................Tundra Comics (S910)
.........................Sarah Finkel's Hospital Condition (S347b, S534b)
.........................The Sunburn (S287b, DU)
.........................Organ Donor Fired (S275c, DU)
.........................An Old Lady's Poem (S226, S518b)
.........................Respitory Therapist (S224, DU)
.........................ICU - Cartoon (S450)
.........................Four Guys In The Waiting Room (S180, DU)
.........................Guessing Baby's Weight (S336b)
.........................True Hospital Stories (S141, S577c)
.........................Emergency Room Stories
.........................Emergency Room Stories II (S402)
                         Short Hospital Jokes
..............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S812 in Supp)
..............................Stool Sample (S772 in Supp)
..............................Woman Goes To Emergency Room w/Mother (S728 in Supp)
..............................Ripley's Believe It Or Not (S618b in Supp)
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..............................Wheeling A Patient To The Front Door (S401b)
..............................Visiting Grandpa In The Hospital (S567, S752)
..............................Teatime Love Bite - Newspaper Article (S540c)
..............................Coming Out Of The Anesthesia (S492)
..............................18 Year Old India Girl Has Pain (S315b)
..............................Nudist Camp Danger - Photo (S521c)
..............................Nurse Picabo Street (S489c)
..............................Bird Flu Symnptoms (S460)
..............................Are You A Hacker? - Sign (S436b)
..............................Conan O'Brein On CPR (S403b)
..............................Terrorists Prevent Kidney Operations (S312)
..............................Rescuing Hug - Story/Photo (S515)
..............................Surgeon Complains (S288, DU)
..............................Hospital Looses Body (S270b, S494b)
..............................Anthrax Exposure (S248)
..............................Hospital Emergency Room Visits (S245b)
..............................I'm Not Dead, And Yet I'm In Hell (S229)
..............................Four-Letter Word During Operation (S131B)
..............................Marijuana Suppository (S130)

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Subj:     George Clooney On Jimmy Kimmel Live (S994d)
          Posted by Jimmy Kimmel Live on 2/2/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/k_z3rN84Vmk
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.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute skit from Kimmel Live.
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Top
Subj:     Lamaze Class (S206, S494b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/7/2001

 The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and
 the Lamaze class was in full swing.  The instructor was
 teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
 informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
 this stage of the plan.

 The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for
 you.  Walking is especially beneficial.  And, gentlemen, it
 wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your
 partner!"

 The room got quiet.

 Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

 "Yes?" replied the teacher.

 "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Top
Subj:     A Hermaphrodite Baby (S168, S630)
          From: JCary on 4/20/00
      and From: gheckman on 5/9/2003

 A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor
 comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about
 your baby."

 The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my
 baby, doctor?  What's wrong???"

 The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but
 your baby is a little bit different.  Your baby is a
 hermaphrodite."

 The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

 The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...
 features...of a male and a female."

 The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has
 a penis...AND a brain?"

Top
Subj:     Hillbilly Medical Terms (S450)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005

 To view these cute medical terms click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Man Gets Bionic Arm (S404b)
          From: JokesUncut on 5/12/2004

 A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in
 the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning
 over his bed. "Jesus doc,"  the man exclaimed, "what
 happened. Where am I."

 The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and
 you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be
 all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your
 right arm, above the elbow."

 "Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go
 through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't
 go on like this........"

 "Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern
 medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs
 one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the
 real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

 "Yeah, great," the man groaned.  "And where the hell am I
 gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

 "Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a
 case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a
 new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It
 looks just like the more expensive one, but the only
 difference is that this one has a small microphone built
 into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other
 than that, it works just like the other one."

 "Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go
 ahead, sew it on."

 The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the
 doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go?
 Is everything all right?"

 "We think that the operation was a success," replied the
 surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know
 if there are any problems with it."

 Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing
 with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted
 up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left."
 The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working
 without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a
 sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

 He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm,
 reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out
 my Wang."  The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his
 leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The
 arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
 arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels
 pretty good......jerk it off."

 (Ouch....)

Top
Subj:     Hospital wants To Cut Off Man's Penis (S399b)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 9/7/2004

 News Article:

 Doctors at a Romanian hospital want police to help them find
 a man who fled after being told he'd have to have his penis
 cut off.  Staff at the hospital in Pitesti in the south of
 the country say gangrene had set in.

 The 42-year-old had apparently stuck a metal ring on it after
 losing a bet during a drinking game in the pub.  Doctors told
 the man the only way to save his life was to remove the damaged
 penis, but said when they told him he fled the hospital.

 Dr Stelian Belu said: "He put the ring on but could not get it
 off again, and unfortunately although he was in agony, he waited
 two days before coming to hospital because he was embarrassed.

 "The blood supply by that time had been cut off for too long,
 and there was nothing we could do.  We told him we would need
 to cut it off so that the necrosis does not spread to his body."

 Doctors fear the man will die if he does not get urgent medical
 treatment, local Pro TV reported.

 Dr Belu added: "There is no way he can escape going under the
 knife. He needs to come back to the hospital and accept this."

Top
Subj:     Patrolman Has Operation (S398b)
          From: igiggle on 9/7/2004

 A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
 inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him
 that all was well.  However, the patrolman kept feeling
 something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

 Worried and confused, he finally got enough energy to pull
 his hospital gown open so he could look at what was making
 him so uncomfortable.  Three wide strips of adhesive tape
 were firmly affixed across his hairy chest.  Written on
 them in large black letters was the sentence:

 "Get well quick.  And think twice before you give a nurse
 a speeding ticket."

Top
Subj:     Angry Old Man And The Nurse (S362, S621)
          From: thebartend on 1/5/2004
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/3/2008

 (See 'Respitory Therapist' in this file)

 Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
 Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him
 crazy.  Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
 was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone of
 voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready
 for our bath, or are we hungry?"

 Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse.  One day,
 Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off
 the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.  He had been
 given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing.  The juice was
 apple juice.  So.....you know where the juice went.

 Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the
 urine bottle.  She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a
 little cloudy today....."

 At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand,
 pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll
 run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this
 time."

 The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled......

Top
Subj:     Husband Has Terrible Automobile Accident (S349)
          From: JBCARY1 on 10/1/2003

 Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
 her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident.  She
 rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
 been in an accident.  They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
 case. They page the doctor.  He comes out into the waiting room
 to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

 "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

 "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

 The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm
 afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
 his spine."

 "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

 "Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
 However, his spine is inoperable.  He'll have no motor skills
 or capability.  This means you will have to feed him."

 Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

 "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to
 prevent pneumonia."

 Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

 "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
 him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
 these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

 Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The
 doctor continues:

 "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,
 as he'll have no control over his sphincters.  His bowels will
 engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid.  Of course, you
 must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
 effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

 Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and
 beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

 Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
 the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just f*ckin' with you. He's
 dead."

Top
Subj:     Tundra Comics (S910)
          Created by Chad Carpenter on 6/2/2014
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/tundracomics/photos_stream
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Subj:     Sarah Finkel's Hospital Condition (S347b, S534b)
          From: JBCARY1 on 9/25/2003
      and From: darrell94590 on 4/16/2007

 A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to
 talk with the person who gives the information regarding your
 patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting
 better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".

 The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the
 patient's name and room number?"

 She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

 "I will connect you with the nursing station."

 "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

 "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

 "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs.
 Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's had two full meals,
 her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as
 normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a
 couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen
 is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

 The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's
 fantastic.. that's wonderful news!"

 The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a
 close family member or a very close friend!"

 "Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!  Nobody here tells me shit!!

Top
Subj:     The Sunburn (S287b, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 7/30/2002

 A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and
 suffered severe sunburn to his legs.  He was taken to the
 hospital.  His skin had turned a bright red and was very
 painful and had started to blister.

 Anything that touched his legs caused agony.  The doctor
 prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and
 electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

 Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will
 Viagra do him in that condition?

 "The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

Top
Subj:     Organ Donor Fired (S275c, DU)
          From: jerry on 11/26/2001

 Nancy Bevilacqua of Seattle, Washington was fired last
 month by Christopher ? Banks, the 352-store clothing store
 chain, because she donated a kidney to her dying mother in
 an emergency procedure, and did so just before the start
 of the holiday gift-buying season.  The company felt that
 allowing her to take leave under these circumstances would
 establish a bad precedent.

 And what says Bavilacqua when she was told, six days before
 the surgery, that she was fired?  "I was aghast and shaken
 up," she said. "To go from one extreme to another."

 And what says John Prange, vice president of human resources
 for Christopher ? Banks?  "Allowing the leave could have
 created a precedent whereby other leaves not covered by the
 Family and Medical Leave Act, which were denied, could have
 resulted in a perception of discrimination."

 And what says the doctor, Dr. William Marks?  "All of us
 were just shocked when we realized the implications.  This
 sends an unbelievably negative message.  Giving a kidney
 is a tremendous gift to society as well as a gift to the
 individual."

 Seattle Post-Intelligencer 22-Nov-01
 http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/local/47757_kidney22.shtml

Top
Subj:     An Old Lady's Poem (S226, S518b)
          From: flovilla on 5/27/2001
     and From: darrell94590 on 12/16/2006

 An old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital
 near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left
 of any value.

 Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions,
 they found this poem.  Its quality and content so impressed the
 staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in
 the hospital.  One nurse took her copy to Ireland.  The old
 lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
 Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland
 Association for Mental Health.  A slide presentation has also
 been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem....  And this
 little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the
 world, is now the authors of this "anonymous" poem winging
 across the Internet.  Goes to show that we all leave "SOME
 footprints in time".....

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 AN OLD LADY'S POEM
 What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
 What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
 A crabby old woman, not very wise,
 Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
 Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
 When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
 Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
 And forever is losing a stocking or shoe....
 Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
 With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
 Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
 Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
 I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
 As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
 I'm a small child of ten...with a father and mother,
 Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
 A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
 Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
 A bride soon at twenty--my heart gives a leap,
 Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
 At twenty-five now, I have young of my own
 Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.
 A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
 Bound to each other with ties that should last.
 At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
 But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
 At fifty, once more babies play around my knee,
 Again we know children, my loved one and me.
 Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
 I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
 For my young are all rearing young of their own,
 And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
 I'm now an old woman....and nature is cruel;
 'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
 The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
 There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
 But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
 And now and again my battered heart swells.
 I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
 And I'm loving and living life over again.
 think of the years....all too few, gone too fast,
 And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
 So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
 Not a crabby old woman; look closer...see ME!!

 ...Remember this poem when you next meet an old person
 who you might brush aside without looking at the young
 soul within......  We will one day be there, too!

Top
Subj:     Respitory Therapist (S224, DU)
          From: baywolves on 5/6/2001

 (See 'Angry Old Man And The Nurse' in this file)

 I'm visiting my father-in-law in the hospital and Steve,
 one of his respiratory therapists, comes in.  He removes
 the pass-through valve from the tracheotomy and inserts a
 red rubber tube into the hole -- maybe a foot and a half
 down -- suctioning whatever goo has collected in the lungs.
 The machine makes nasty slurping noises. It took me a long
 time to get used to it.

 "I used to be the RT shift supervisor at another hospital,"
 Steve says.  "And it was my responsibility to show the new
 residents around.  "Every once in a while, I'd head to the
 ICU in front of the tour and find a patient that wasn't on
 the ventilator, and I'd mix up some apricot and pear juice
 and put it in the suction reservoir.  When the tour came
 through, I'd be going through my spiel and say, 'Oh, looks
 like this needs to be emptied.'

 "And I'd unscrew the reservoir and drink the juice.

 "I got a couple of them to throw up."

Top
Subj:     ICU - Cartoon (S450)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
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Subj:     Four Guys In The Waiting Room (S180, DU)
          From: thebartend on 7/10/00

 Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital
 waiting room, while their wives were in labor.  The
 nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
 "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
 "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious
 pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

 The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
 second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
 "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he
 answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation.  My buddies
 at work will never let me live this one down."

 An hour later, while the other two men were passing
 cigars around, the nurse came back.  This time, she
 turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner.
 She announced that his wife had just given birth to
 quadruplets.  Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't
 tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.  After
 finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't
 believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

 After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the
 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
 The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he
 slowly gained back his consciousness.  The nurse asked,
 "Sir, are you all right?" "Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
 now.  I just had a shocking thought.  I work at 7-11."

Top
Subj:     Guessing Baby's Weight (S336b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2003

 Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of
 the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery,
 all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy
 standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

 "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

 "This must not be your first," I said.

 "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

 "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

 He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

Top
Subj:     True Hospital Stories (S141, S577c)
          From: collins2 on 10/14/1999
      and From: tom on 1/31/2008

 A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
 her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the
 cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her
 underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs,
 and I was in the wrong one.

 Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

 *********
 At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
 elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest
 wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.  "Yes, they used to be,"
 remorsefully replied the patient.

 Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 *********
 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
 that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not
 more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
 of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

 *********
 I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
 acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
 and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the
 20/20 line perfectly.

 "Now your left."  Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I
 requested.  There was silence.  He couldn't even read the
 large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered that he had
 done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
 his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

 Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

 *********
 A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when
 the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This
 is only a one-seater!"

 *********
 During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
 cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
 with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor.
 "The patch".  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six
 hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  The doctor
 had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
 see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now the
 instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
 new one.

 Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 *********
 While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
 "How long have you been bedridden?"  After a look of complete
 confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my
 husband was alive."

 Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 *********
 I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So,
 how's your breakfast this  morning?"

 "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I
 can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
 replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
 produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

  *********
From: JBCARY1 on 11/12/2001 (S250)
 The Surgeon's Note: A young woman with purple hair styled
 into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
 and wearing strange clothing, entered the Emergency Room.
 It was quickly determined that she had acute appendicitis,
 so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was
 completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
 noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above
 it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep Off The Grass!"

 Later, in the recovery room, she found a note on her
 dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

  *********
From: Imogenelumen on 7/13/2003
 A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
 embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.  To cover his
 embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of
 whistling softly.  The middle aged lady upon whom he was
 performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
 further embarrassed him.  He looked up from his work and
 sheepishly said,  "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

 She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
 was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Top
Subj:     Emergency Room Stories
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98

 Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General
 over the past year:

 - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
 suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and
 a fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head
 and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into
 the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

 - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately
 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While
 trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of
 the folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on
 the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to
 find a shiny new dime.  And last, but not least-- during a pelvic
 exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of
 her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

 - The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at
 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint..

 - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
 rushed to the hospital.  After 30 minutes of unsuccessful
 resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The
 doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her
 mother didn't make it.  "Didn't make it?  Where could they be?
 She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

 - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother
 sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank"
 (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with
 needles he had been sharing with his friends.  Concerned about
 this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
 have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy
 thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like
 having sex with our dog?"

Top
Subj:     Emergency Room Stories II (S402)
          From: JokesUncut on 5/14/2004

 INNER SKELETON

 A 63 yr-old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife,
 Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she
 was carrying a 20 Inch long skeleton of a fetus which she
 conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside
 the womb and was never expelled from her body.

 PRICKLY PAIR

 In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to
 his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in
 her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an
 examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a
 surgical needle left inside her after a recent
 hysterectomy.

 PING PONG ANYONE?

 A 20 yr-old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his
 rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling
 around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea
 of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The
 concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain.
 Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the
 man's rectum was removed... along with a ping pong ball.

 BLIND DRUNK

 A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of
 severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He
 said that they would come out halfway, but they always
 popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump,
 but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
 discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at
 all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
 cornea.


Subj:     Short Hospital Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Wheeling A Patient To The Front Door (S401b)
          From: Anonymous Jr on 7/5/2004
 Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
 discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I
 found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on
 the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't
 need my help to leave the hospital.

 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
 wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if
 his wife was meeting him.  "I don't know," he said. "She's
 still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
 gown."
 

Top
Subj:     Visiting Grandpa In The Hospital (S567, S752)
          From: SCOTCOB on 11/30/2007
      and From: tom on 6/14/2011
 A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to
 visit his grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, he
 runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's
 room.

 "Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma
 comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 "What?" said his grandpa.

 "Make a noise like a frog!! Because Grandma said that as
 soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!"
 

Top
Subj:     Teatime Love Bite (S540c in Penis-Supp)
          From: SCOTCOB on 5/16/2007
 Read why a husband and wife had to go to the
 hospital by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Coming Out Of The Anesthesia (S492)
          From: igiggle on 6/30/2006
 My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series
 of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.
 His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

 Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to
 sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

 "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

 "The drugs are wearing off," he said.  ~~Reader's Digest
 

Top
Subj:     18 Year Old India Girl Has Pain (S315b)
          From: jerry on 2/12/2003
 An 18-year-old girl in India went to the hospital in
 Jaipur, complaining of pain in the lower abdomen, and
 left the hospital as a boy.

 Doctors discovered that she had a penis inside her
 which they freed after a two-and-a-half hour operation.
 He and his family are happy with the change.

 Ananova (UK) 12-Feb-03
 

Top
Subj:     Nudist Camp Danger (S521c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/29/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 This x-ray and story can be seen by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Nurse Picabo Street (S489c)
          From: darrell94590 on 6/5/2006
 The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-boo)
 is not just an athlete.  She is now a nurse currently working
 at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
 She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any
 longer.  It caused too much confusion when she would answer
 the phone and say .. Picabo, I.C.U.
 

Top
Subj:     Bird Flu Symnptoms (S460)
         From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2005
 The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms
 of bird flu.  If you experience any of the following, please
 seek medical treatment immediately:

 1.  High fever
 2.  Congestion
 3.  Nausea
 4.  Fatigue
 5.  Aching in the joints
 6.  An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
 

Top
Subj:     Are You A Hacker? (S436b)
          From: LABLaughsCleanon 6/3/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20000328
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Top
Subj:     Conan O'Brein On CPR (S403b)
          From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
 A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not
 necessary during CPR and it's better to skip right to chest
 compression.  However, the study says that you're still
 required to snuggle for a half hour afterward.
   -- Conan O'Brien
 

Top
Subj:     Terrorists Prevent Kidney Operations (S312)
          From: jerry on 1/15/2003
 A Canadian hospital has had to put more than 50 patients
 with kidney stones on hold because a vital piece of equip-
 ment that needs replacing in their lithotriptor machine,
 a machine that smashes the stones using high pressure
 shock waves, has been held up by German authorities
 because it, the "spark gap" device, can be used in making
 a nuclear bomb and Germany will not export any device
 that could be used by terrorists to make weapons.

 This is expected to be resolved soon.

 The Winnipeg Sun (Canada) via Ananova (UK) 15-Jan-03
 

Top
Subj:     Rescuing Hug (S515)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/28/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To view this touching story and picture, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Surgeon Complains (S288, DU)
          From: jerry on 8/6/2002
 A UK surgeon who had to stop in the middle of surgery
 because the nurses could not understand enough English
 to follow his instructions and who filed a complaint
 claiming that patient's lives are being put at risk by
 nurses who do not understand English, is now facing a
 formal disciplinary action for racism.

 UK Telegraph 23-Jul-02
 

Top
Subj:     Hospital Looses Body (S270b, S494b)
          From: jerry on 1/17/2002
 Bonehead award four goes to the San Fernando General Hospital
 in Trinidad which didn't know they had a dead person in one
 of the hospital's storage rooms, for eight or nine months,
 until an electrician discovered the skeleton, in case you
 wondered if Trinidad has HMOs.

 And what says one of the patients?

 "That is real slackness that somebody could be dead in there
 for so long, right across from patients and nobody knew
 anything."

 Trinidad Express 16-Jan-02
 

Top
Subj:     Anthrax Exposure (S248)
          From: jerry on 10/29/2001
 It takes, on the average, 8,000 to 10,000 of the correct
 sized spores to cause the pulmonary type of Anthrax infection
 (the deadliest form).  People who work in wool mills breath
 about 400 to 500 anthrax spores a day and never succumb to
 the disease.
 

Top
Subj:     Hospital Emergency Room Visits (S245b)
          From: jerry on 10/10/2001
 What's a hospital to do?
 George Goins of Oakland, California has visited the Highland
 Hospital's emergency room more than 1,200 times since 1996,
 and more recently, once or twice a day, each time calling
 911 to get an ambulance.  The total cost to taxpayers has
 been roughly $900,000.

 He says his chest begins to hurt, he doesn't know why, and
 so he runs down to the emergency room.

 While an extreme case, such behavior has become widespread.
 Emergency rooms are getting crushed by patients, many
 uninsured, who are regular visitors seeking food, human
 interaction and sometimes a warm place.  And emergency
 rooms have a moral and legal obligation to take every
 complaint seriously.

 A study at San Francisco General Hospital found that 6
 percent of ER patients accounted for 25 percent of all
 visits.
 

Top
Subj:     I'm Not Dead, And Yet I'm In Hell (S229)
          From: KMACINTY on 6/18/2001
 A February report in the Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and
 Chronicle described a local patient's remarkable recovery
 from botulism paralysis at Park Ridge Hospital.  The woman
 recently recalled that, after the toxin struck her in June
 2000, she lay in her hospital bed, able to hear everything
 around her but unable to communicate in any way with anyone,
 and that someone had erroneously said she was a big fan of
 singer Celine Dion.

 After that, the hospital staff, in an effort to aid the
 woman's recovery, played the singer's music in her room
 around the clock for weeks.  When the paralysis left the
 woman, one of the first joys she experienced, she said,
 was stopping the music because she actually never cared
 for Dion.
 

Top
Subj:     Four-Letter Word During Operation (S131B)
         From: PGSP4LIFE on 8/1/99
 Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon
 use a four-letter word that upset me very much.

 Nurse: What word was that?

 Patient: "Oops!"

Top
Subj:     Marijuana Suppository (S130)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #305 on 6/4/99
 It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi
 Medical school have come up with the first marijuana-
 based medical suppository.

 The only drawback so far is that approximately ten
 minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge
 to shove a twinkie up your ass.
 

 Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
 cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused
 in vein transplant surgery.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
 Excercise is bunk.  If you're sick you shouldn't take it
 and if you're healthy you don't need it.   --Henry Ford

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28
 I can  understand why men don't like vasectomies.  My uncle
 got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard.

 But he forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came
 over to his house and knocked up my aunt.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
 on it.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19
 True story found in the "West Australian"
 An inmate of a lunatic asylum started an affair with one of
 the cleaning staff.  Once he had gained her confidence they
 got very amorous and after one particularly satisfying bout
 of lovemaking he stole her keys and used them to escape.
 The headline in the newspaper the next day read "Nut Screws
 Washer and  Bolts."

From: auntieg on 98-11-14
 On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens
 every year.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com on 2/3/2003 (S314b)
 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
 in hospitals dying of nothing.  -- Redd Foxx

From: igiggle on 4/25/2003 (S325b)
 Did you hear about the new pill?  It makes you feel good
 but has the side effect of making you dull.  It's called
 Prosaic.

From: igiggle on 9/18/2004 (S401b)
 Q: How is a hospital gown like insurance?
 A: You're never covered as well as you think you are.

                            \\\//
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..............................From Smiley_Central
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