>>> Subj:     Hotel Jokes                  (Includes 20 jokes and articles, 22779,1,cf,md4,1)

Rotating Hotel from Lee Valley Park

Also see FACTS2 file  - 'Phone Won't Stop Ringing?'
         FOOTBALL     - 'Reading An Anouncement Badly'
         FROG file    - 'Lonely Widow Buys Ugly Toad'
         GAY file     - 'Sailor Needs A Hotel Room'
         GAMES file   - 'Chess Players At Hotel'
         ITALIAN file - 'The Italian Who Went To Malta'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer's Vacation'
         MATH4-SUPP   - 'Three Guys Rent A Room'
         MOVIES_ETC   - 'Mary Poppins Stays At A Hotel'
         MOVIES_ETC-SU- 'Paris Hilton On SNL'
         PENIS3 file  - 'Worst Resort Name Ever'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'Sunbathing'
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Subj:     Old Couple Wants A Double Bed (S614b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/16/2008

 An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen
 or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the
 only rooms available had twin beds.

 Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know.  We've
 been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

 "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife
 asked.

 Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented,
 "How romantic."

 Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he
 snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Top
Subj:     Bringing Your Dog To A Hotel (S501c, S779)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/22/2006
      and From: virv on 12/12/2011

 A man wrote an email to a small hotel in a Midwest town he
 planned to visit on his vacation.  He wrote, "I would very
 much like to bring my dog with me.  He is well groomed and
 very well behaved.  Would you be willing to permit me to
 keep him in my room with me at night?"

 An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've
 been operating this hotel for many years.  In all that time,
 I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or
 pictures off the walls.  I've never had to evict a dog in the
 middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I've
 never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

 Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.  And, if your
 dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Top
Subj:     Traveler Meets Blond In Hotel (S489c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/6/2006

 A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the
 clerk for a single room.  As the clerk fills out the paper-
 work, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting
 in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears
 into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl
 on his arm.

 "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess
 I'll need a double room for the night."

 Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount
 to be over $3000.  "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at
 the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

 "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three
 weeks."

Top
Subj:     Sign In Hotels (S487c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/22/2006
          (Also see 'Foreign Signs' in SIGNS AND NAMES)

 Signs from hotels and from around the world:

 In a Tokyo hotel:
 Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a
 person to do such a thing please not to read notis.

 In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
 The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time
 we regret that you will be unbearable.

 In a Leipzig elevator:
 Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
 To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the
 cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
 number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
 alphabetically by national order.

 In a Bangkok drycleaners:
 Drop your trousers here for best results.

 In a Japanese hotel:
 You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
 Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of
 repose in the boots of Ascension.

 In a Yugoslav hotel:
 The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
 of the chambermaid.

 On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
 Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 On the menu of a Polish hotel:
 Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with
 cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
 let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
 people's fashion.

 Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
 Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 Outside a Paris dress shop:
 Dresses for street walking.

Top
Subj:     Motel Guest Wants A Haircut (S418b, S661b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/31/2005

 A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
 Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
 meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
 there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
 sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
 hall from your room is a vending machine that should
 serve your purposes."

 Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
 inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at
 which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
 seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed
 his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

 Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
 'Manicures, 25 Cents' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He
 paid the money,inserted his  hands into the slot, and pulled
 them out and they were perfectly manicured.

 The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides
 a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The
 salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents in the machine,
 unzipped his fly and,with some anticipation, stuck his dinger
 into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy
 let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off
 and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw
 his dinger... now with a button sewed on the end of it...

Top
Subj:     Hotel Guest Phones For Sex (S412, S837)
          From: DoctorDebt on 12/12/2004
      and From: virv on 1/22/2013

 Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
 lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls you see
 advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

 Lorne had grabbed a woman's card when he called a cab to
 take him from the airport to the hotel.  It was an ad for
 a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
 photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
 beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all
 the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So Lorne's in his
 room and figures, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call."

 "Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.

 "Hi," Lorne began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd
 like you to come to my room and give me one.  No, wait, I
 should be straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what
 I really want is sex.  I want it hard, I want it hot and I
 want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name
 it, we'll do it.  Bring implements, toys, everything you've
 got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
 tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and
 whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how does that
 sound?"

 "That sounds fantastic," she said, "But for an outside line
 you need to press 9."

Top
Subj:     Nursing Home Alternative (S344b, DU)
          From: Imogenelumen on 9/4/2003
          (Also see 'An Alternative Retirement Home' in SHIPS)

 With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching
 $188.00, there is a better way when we get old  and feeble.

 I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday
 Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer,
 food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV
 movies.  They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
 washer, dryer, etc.  Most have free toothpaste and razors,
 and all have free shampoo and soap.  Most will discount for
 full week stays.

 Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free
 breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for
 lunch and dinner.

 There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room,
 but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing
 homes.  There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you
 fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a
 regular bus.  For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus
 and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.

 The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over,
 they will call an ambulance.  And should you break a hip,
 the American Way is to Sue.  What more can you ask for?

 As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

 So:
     When I reach the Golden age
     help me keep my grin
     Just check my old rickety ass
     into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Top
Subj:     Resort Won't Rent Room To Jewish Lady (S320, S583c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/19/2003

 Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was
 stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape
 Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.

 The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry,
 no room. The hotel is full."

 The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have
 vacancies."  The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly,
 "You know that we do not admit Jews.  Now if you will try
 the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened
 noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to
 your religion."

 The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little
 test.  How was Jesus born?"

 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary
 in a little town called Bethlehem."

 "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

 "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born
 in a manger?"

 Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
 hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Top
Subj:     Hotel For Women (S251b, S658b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/23/2001
      and From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 8/16/2009

 A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a
 five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".
 Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to
 go in.

 The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
 works. "We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once
 you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's
 easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
 what's inside."

 So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign
 reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are
 sensitive and kind"...the friends laugh and without
 hesitation move on to the next floor.

 The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are
 wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".
 This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the
 third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great
 lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."  This was good
 but there were still two more floors.

 On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect. "All the men
 here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
 women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and
 straight."  The women seemed pleased but they decide that
 they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer
 before they settle for the fourth.

 When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that
 reads: "There are no men here.  This floor was built only
 to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Top
Subj:     New Wife Store (DU)
          From: lubin100 on 11/4/2009

 A store that sells new wives has opened in New York City,
 where a man may go to choose a wife. Among the instructions
 at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors
 and the value of the products increase as the shopper
 ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from
 a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
 floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
 building!

 So, a man goes to the New Wife Store to find a wife.  On
 the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 The first floor has wives that love sex.

 The second floor has wives that love sex and have money
 and like beer.

 The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Top
Subj:     Man Upset By Large Hotel Bill (S224, S759)
          From: KMACINTY on 5/17/2001
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/2/2011

 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
 Boston.  After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
 too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
 They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
 plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
 When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
 them a bill for $350.

 The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
 high.  He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
 rooms certainly aren't worth $350.  When the clerk tells
 him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking
 to the Manager.

 The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
 that the hotel has an Olympic - sized pool and a huge
 conference center that were available for the husband and
 wife to use.

 "But we didn't use them", the man complains.

 "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the
 Manager.

 He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
 shows for which the hotel is famous.  "The best entertainers
 from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
 Manager says.

 "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man
 again.

 "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

 No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
 "But we didn't use it!"

 The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
 agrees to pay.  He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
  The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But
 sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

 "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
 sleeping with my wife."

 "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Top
Subj:     Guest Orders Breakfast (S195, DU)
          From: BartendJOTD-owner on 10/27/2000

 A guest in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head
 waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful
 smile, "Good Morning, sir.  What a wonderful morning!  I'd
 like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
 runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard
 to eat.  Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left
 out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that
 crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd
 like some butter straight from the freezer so that it's
 impossible to spread; and a pot of weak coffee, luke-warm."

 "I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do
 that for you."

 The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"

Top
Subj:     Drunk Asks When The Bar Opens (S80, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-05

 At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
 asking what time the bar opens.

 "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

 About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding
 even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

 "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

 Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
 "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

 The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't
 wait to get in, I can have room service send something up
 to you."

 "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Top
Subj:     Room Service (S73, S817)
          From: auntieg on 98-06-26
      and From: virv on 9/6/2012

 Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking funny for
 a while after reading this.  It was nominated best E-mail
 for 1997, at a hotel in Asia.  It was recorded and published
 in the Far East Economic Review.

 Room Service: "Morny, Ruin sorbees"

 Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

 RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees..morny!
      Djewish to odor sunteen??"

 Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

 RS: "Ow July den?"

 G: "What??"

 RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

 G: "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry, scrambled,
    please."

 RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"

 G: "Crisp will be fine"

 RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

 G: "What??"

 RS: "San tos, July Santos?"

 G: "I don't think so"

 RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

 G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
     what 'Judo  one  toes' means"

 RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
      Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

 G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
    'Toast' fine.  Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

 RS: "We bother?"

 G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

 RS: "Wad??"

 G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

 RS: "Copy?"

 G: "Sorry?"

 RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

 G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all"

 RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
      baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
      and copy....rye??"

 G: "Whatever you say"

 RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

 G: "You're welcome"

Top
Subj:     English Inn Called 'George And The Dragon' (S134, DU)
          From: FrankRoesc on 8/23/99

 An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished,
 came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:  "George and
 the Dragon."  He knocked.

 The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

 "Could ye spare some victuals?"

 The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she
 shouted.

 "Could I have a pint of ale?"

 "No!" she shouted.

 "Could I at least use your privvy?"

 "No!" she shouted again.

 The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

 "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

 "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with
 George?"

Subj:     Short Hotel Jokes

Top

Subj:     Cute Hotel Sign (S503c)           From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com           on 9/11/2006

 To view this cute hotel sign click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Ten Tallest Towers (S332b)
          From: jerry on 6/5/2003
 Here are the 10 tallest towers in the world
 along with their height, in feet

  1. CNN Tower, Toronto, 1815
  2. Ostankino Tower, Moscow, 1762
  3. Oriental Pearl Tower, Shanghai, 1535
  4. Menara Tower, Kuala Lapur, 1403
  5. Central TV Tower, Beijing, 1369
  6. Tianjin TV Tower, China, 1362
  7. Tashkent Tower, China, 1230
  8. Liberation Tower, Kuwait City, 1214
  9. Fernsehturm Tower, Berlin, 1198
 10. Stratosphere Tower, Las Vegas 1149

 The destroyed World Trade Center in New York
 would have ranked as the 6th tallest at 1368 feet.

 Scottish Daily Record 28-May-03
 

From: merlin_of_chaos on 6/19/2003
 Your The Tallest tower survey left out the Sears Tower (1450 ft)
 

 From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS

 Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to
 provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest.
 According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they
 are wearing the nightshirts.

 Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law
 to furnish their rooms with twin beds only.  There should
 be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal
 for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

 From LAWS file.
 In Salem, Massachusetts even married couples are forbidden
 from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms...

From: dogbyte on 9/3/2001 (S240)
 Don't stay at the Marriott!  The towels are so thick
 and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.

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.........................Scary Hotel from GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley.
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