God1

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Subj: God1 Jokes
(Includes 7 jokes and articles, 23758,4,cf)

Includes the following: God's Billboards (S430b)
.........................An Eight Year Old Explains God (DU)
.........................God Quotation
.........................The Manufacturers Of God (DU)
.........................A Far Side Style Cartoon (S709)
.........................The Voice Of God (S640)
.........................Dennis The Menace (S606b)

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Subj:     An Eight Year Old Explains God (DU)
          From: auntieg on 98-12-08

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to
replace the ones that die so there will be enough people
to take care of things here on earth.

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't
have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk
and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers.
An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like
preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God
doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account
of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers,
there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless
He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere,
which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting
His time by going over your parent's head asking for some-
thing they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't
think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't
any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like
walking on water and performing miracles and trying to
teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They
finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they
crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father
and He told His Father that they didn't know what they
were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and
all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have
to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.
So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to
prayers and seeing things which are important for God to
take care of and which ones He can take care of himself
without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more
important, of course.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear
you because they got it worked out so one of them is on
duty all the times.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes
God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy,
it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will
be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And,
besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon
anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you
will be very lonely, because your parents can't go every-
where with you, like to camp, but God can.

It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in
the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get
thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you should
not just always think of what God can do for you.

I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime
He pleases. And that's why I believe in God,"
   -- Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista,
      California, for his third grade homework assignment
      to "Explain God."

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Subj:     God Quotation
          From: scott_pryor 99-02-21
Drawing from Flickr...

This scrolling text message is cute, but so large that
it needs it's own page. Click 'HERE' to view it.

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Subj:     The Manufacturers Of God (DU)
          From: Anaise on 98-06-24

The Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your
belief and patronage of our product. In order to better
serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

    __ Newspaper        __ Bhagavad-Gita
    __ Television       __ Divine Inspiration
    __ Word of mouth    __ Near Death Experience
    __ Koran            __ Communist Manifesto
    __ Tabloid          __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Bible            __ Other sources
    __ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
    __ Yahweh     __ Father, Son ? Holy Ghost Triplet
    __ Jehovah    __ Jesus
    __ Allah      __ Satan
    __ God        __ None of the above
    __ G_d        __ I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in
    good working order and with no obvious breakage or
    missing attributes?
    __ Yes                            __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
___________________

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?

Please check all that apply.
    __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
    __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise
    __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
    __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of murder by a missionary
    __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
    __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
    __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and
        told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which
    false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    __ Odin               __ Cthulhu
    __ Zeus               __ The Almighty Dollar
    __ Apollo             __ Left Wing Liberalism
    __ Ra                 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
    __ The great Spirit   __ The Great Pumpkin
    __ The Sun            __ Bill Clinton
    __ The Moon           __ A burning cabbage
    __ The Bomb           __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration
in addition to God?

    Please check all that apply.
    __ Tarot             __ Lottery
    __ Astrology         __ Television
    __ Fortune cookies   __ Ann Landers
    __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
    __ Palmistry         __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
    __ Self-help books   __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
    __ Biorythms         __ Bill Clinton
    __ Tea Leaves        __ EST
    __ Mantras           __ Jimmy Swaggert
    __ Crystals          __ Human Sacrifice
    __ Pyramids          __ Wandering around a desert
    __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Barney T.B.P.D.   __ Other:__________________
    __ Barney Fife       __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
    disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of
    1 to 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
    5=excellent):

    a. Disasters
       flood      1   2   3   4   5
       famine     1   2   3   4   5
       earthquake 1   2   3   4   5
       war        1   2   3   4   5
       pestilence 1   2   3   4   5
       plague     1   2   3   4   5
       AOL        1   2   3   4   5
       Windows 98 1   2   3   4   5

    b. Miracles
       rescues                    1   2   3   4   5
       spontaneous remissions     1   2   3   4   5
       stars hovering over towns 1   2   3   4   5
       crying statues             1   2   3   4   5
       water changing to wine     1   2   3   4   5
       walking on water (except Cuyahoga) 1   2   3   4   5
       talking flaming shrubbery 1   2   3   4   5
       VCR that sets its own clock1   2   3   4   5
       Saddam Hussein still alive 1   2   3   4   5
       Marlins winning the Series 1   2   3   4   5
       Clinton's re-election      1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an
additional sheet if necessary.)

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Subj:     A Far Side Style Cartoon (S709)
          From: redcatt on 8/14/2010

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Subj:     The Voice Of God (S640)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

Scott goes hiking on his own to commune with nature or
something. He gets too close to the edge of a cliff,
slips, and finds himself hanging by his hands from the
branch of a little tree growing about 10 feet down from
the top and 100 feet above a sheer drop to the rocks below.
Yelling for help being of no avail, Scott sees his life
passing before his eyes, and finally, in desperation, calls
up into the sky, "Is there anybody up there?"

A great voice booms out, "Yes, Scott, I am here."

"Who are you?"

"It's me, your God. I am that I am."

"Help me," call Scott.

"I'll help you. Let go of the tree."

"What?"

"Trust in me. Let go of the tree and I will help you."

Scott thinks for a minute then calls up into the sky,
"Is there anybody else up there?"

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Subj:     Dennis The Menace (S606b)
          by Hank Ketcham
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/16/2008

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_dennis_menace.html?name=Dennis_The_Menace

You can view this cute comic strip of Dennis the Menace
praying to God by clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley type kingdom from
Kindergarden-Workshop

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