Subj: God1 Jokes
(Includes 7 jokes and articles, 11813,4,cf)
God Bless from
Also see ARTIST file - 'Man
And His Son Collected Art'
BLACKS file - 'A White And A Black Argue About God'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Prays To God For Lotto Win'
BODY PARTS - 'Senility Prayer'
CANADA file - 'And God Created Canada'
CARS3 file - 'Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car'
CHURCH file - 'Painting The Church'
......................- 'The Golden Telephone To Heaven'
......................- 'Two Bad Boys'
......................- 'Moses Leads Israelies'
COLLEGEGRAD - 'Why God Never Received Tenure At The University'
COLLEGE-PROF - 'Does Evil Exist'
......................- 'Atheist Professor Teaches About God'
COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy Poetry'
DOG1 file - 'God Created Cats And Dogs'
DOG3 file - 'If Dogs Could Talk To God'
DOG-SUPP - 'GoD And DoG by Wendy J Francisco' - Movie
EDEN file - 'Lost Genesis Chapter 2'
......................- 'God's Children'
......................- 'Eve Has A Periods'
ELDERLY2 - '60 Year Old Woman Hears Voice'
ENGINEER1 - 'God is an Engineer?'
FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates Dies And Meets God'
FAMOUS PEOPL1- 'Boy Asks Mom About God'
FOOD-ETC - 'God And The Devil Create Food'
GOLF2 file - 'Jesus And Moses Play Golf'
......................- 'Jesus, Moses And An Old Man Play Golf'
GOLF-SUPP - 'God Helps An Old Golfer'
HALLOWEEN-SUP- 'Pickles Comic Strip'
HANDICAPPED - 'The Brick'
HEAVEN1 file - 'Bill, Hillary, And Al Go To Heaven'
HELL file - 'Engineer Goes To Hell'
IRISH file - 'God Creates Earth'
JEWISH1 file - 'Sons Convert To Christianity'
KIDS5 file - 'Creationism Vs Darwin'
LETTERS2 file- 'A Letter To God'
MAILMAN-ETC - 'Doggie Heaven'
......................- 'Letter To God At Christmas'
MEN1 file - 'When God Made Fathers'
MEXICAN file - 'God Messed With Human's Brains'
MOTHERS file - 'Kids Talk About God And Their Mother'
NUNS1 file - 'A Nun And A Hippie On A Bus'
POLIT-OBAMA - 'A Prayer From Facebook'
POPE file - 'The Pope And A Call From God'
PREACHER file- 'The Pastor's Cat'
......................- 'Oral Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone'
PREACHER-SUPP- 'Four Ministers Argue'
PRIEST file - 'Priest Plays Golf On Sunday'
PROFESSOR - 'Philosophy Professor Discusses God'
RELIGION1 - 'Religious Man And The Atheist Neighbor'
RELIGION2 - 'Two Neighbors Argue About God'
......................- 'The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments'
......................- 'Ten More Commandments'
......................- 'Ten Commandments In Cajun'
......................- 'Ten Commandments - Ebony Style'
SCHOOL2 file - 'God Visits Earth'
SCHOOL_SUPP - 'The Sneeze'
SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'Wet Pants In Third Grade'
SEX3 file - 'Thor Has Sex'
SHIP file - 'If Noah Built The Ark Today....'
STATUES file - 'Two Statues Come Alive'
TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Breakfast At McDolald's...'
THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'Ice Cream-Good For The Soul'
THOUGHTS-LND2- 'Trusting God'
......................- 'Interview With God'
THOUGHTSLRNSU- 'Things God Won't Ask On That Day'
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Kids Talk To God'
......................- 'A Child Talks To God'
Subj: God's Billboards (S430b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/26/2005
Subj: An Eight Year Old Explains God (DU)
From: auntieg on 98-12-08
One of God's main jobs is making
people. He makes them to
replace the ones that die so there will be enough people
to take care of things here on earth.
He doesn't make grown-ups, just
babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't
have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk
and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job
is listening to prayers.
An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like
preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God
doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account
of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers,
there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless
He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears
everything and is everywhere,
which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting
His time by going over your parent's head asking for some-
thing they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't
believe in God. I don't
think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't
any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He
used to do all the hard work like
walking on water and performing miracles and trying to
teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They
finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they
crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father
and He told His Father that they didn't know what they
were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything
that He had done and
all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have
to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.
So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to
prayers and seeing things which are important for God to
take care of and which ones He can take care of himself
without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more
important, of course.
You can pray anytime you want
and they are sure to hear
you because they got it worked out so one of them is on
duty all the times.
You should always go to church
on Sunday because it makes
God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy,
it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will
be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And,
besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon
If you don't believe in God,
besides being an atheist, you
will be very lonely, because your parents can't go every-
where with you, like to camp, but God can.
It is good to know He's around
you when you're scared in
the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get
thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you should
not just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and
He can take me back anytime
He pleases. And that's why I believe in God,"
-- Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista,
California, for his third grade homework assignment
to "Explain God."
From: scott_pryor 99-02-21
Drawing from Flickr...
This scrolling text message is
cute, but so large that
it needs it's own page. Click 'HERE' to view it.
Subj: The Manufacturers Of God (DU)
From: Anaise on 98-06-24
The Manufacturers of God would
like to thank you for your
belief and patronage of our product. In order to better
serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Koran __ Communist Manifesto
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other sources
__ Torah (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh __ Father, Son ? Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ None of the above
__ G_d __ I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged,
with all parts in
good working order and with no obvious breakage or
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe
the problems you initially encountered here:
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of murder by a missionary
__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and
told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a
God before? Is so, which
false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any
other source of inspiration
in addition to God?
Please check all
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ EST
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:__________________
__ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree
of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain
a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of
1 to 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Windows 98 1 2 3 4 5
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (except Cuyahoga) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCR that sets its own clock1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Marlins winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional
comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an
additional sheet if necessary.)
Subj: A Far Side Style Cartoon (S709)
From: redcatt on 8/14/2010
Subj: The Voice Of God (S640)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98
Scott goes hiking on his own
to commune with nature or
something. He gets too close to the edge of a cliff,
slips, and finds himself hanging by his hands from the
branch of a little tree growing about 10 feet down from
the top and 100 feet above a sheer drop to the rocks below.
Yelling for help being of no avail, Scott sees his life
passing before his eyes, and finally, in desperation, calls
up into the sky, "Is there anybody up there?"
A great voice booms out, "Yes, Scott, I am here."
"Who are you?"
"It's me, your God. I am that I am."
"Help me," call Scott.
"I'll help you. Let go of the tree."
"Trust in me. Let go of the tree and I will help you."
Scott thinks for a minute then
calls up into the sky,
"Is there anybody else up there?"
Dennis The Menace (S606b)
by Hank Ketcham
From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/16/2008
You can view this cute comic
strip of Dennis the Menace
praying to God by clicking 'HERE'.
|Smiley type kingdom from