Subj:     God2 Jokes
                 (Includes 37 jokes and articles, 18935,4,cf,md4wT,2)

          Click "Here" for God-Supp

Three Crosses  from
GO Graphics.com

Includes the following:  Interview With God - Video (S528c in Supp)
.........................What God Created.... (S511b in Supp)
.........................Give Me A Sign Lord - Drawing (S402b)
.........................How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments (S470b, DU)
.........................God's Questionnaire (S414, DU)
.........................Anne Graham, God, And September 11 (S341b, DU)
.........................Woodcutter Meets The Lord (S341b, S848)
.........................Mother Teresa And God (S334b, S756)
.........................'God Speaks' Billboards (S334, DU)
.........................Lawns and God (S334b, S556c)
.........................Is God Black Or White? (S323b, DU)
.........................The Winning Lottery Number (S262, DU)
.........................God's 'Voice Mail' (S235b, DU)
.........................Little Jimmy Talks To God (S232, S698)
.........................Mister Boffo Cartoons (S935)
.........................The Senility Prayer (S149)
.........................God's Affair (S55)
.........................Letter From G-d (S53)
.........................When God Created Mothers
.........................Woman Calls God From Hell
.........................Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God (S189)
.........................God Created Women-Poem (349b)
.........................God Created Dogs, Monkeys, Cows, And Men (S212, S521)
.........................Children's Letters To God (S113)
.........................More Children's Letters To God (S284)
.........................Children's Letters To God II (S475c)
                         Short God Jokes (S105)
..............................Opus On God (S607 in Supp)
..............................Diamond Rio's 'In God We Still Trust' -Vid (S566b-Sup)
..............................God's Messenger By Dave Barry (S403b)
..............................A Man Talks To God? (S162)
..............................Tweedy Bird's Prayer (S131B, S529)

Subj:     Give Me A Sign Lord (S402b)
          From: LABLaughsClean 2004-09-30 on 9/30/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/041.htm
Subj:     How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments (S470b, DU)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/26/2006

 The Lord went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for
 you that will make your lives better."

 And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord
 said, "They are rules for living."

 "Can you give us an example?"

 "Thou shalt not kill."

 "Not kill?  We're not interested."

 So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
 And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor
 thy Father and Mother."

 "Father?  We don't know who our fathers are."

 So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I haveCommandments."
 And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou
 shalt not steal."

 "Not steal?  We're not interested."

 He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."  The
 French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
 commit adultery."

 "Not commit adultery?  We're not interested.

 He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

 "Commandments?"  They said, "How much are they?"

 "They're free."

 "We'll take 10."

Subj:     God's Questionnaire (S414, DU)
          From: DafterLafter on 12/28/2004

 God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
 In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take
 a few moments to answer the following questions.

 Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
 completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
 your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
 to comments or suggestions.

 How did you find out about God?
 __ Newspaper
 __ Television
 __ Word of mouth
 __ Torah
 __ Bible
 __ Koran
 __ Other Book
 __ Divine Inspiration
 __ Near Death Experience
 __ Friend or Relative
 __ Other: ____________

 Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
 addition to God? Please check all that apply.
 __ Tarot
 __ Horoscope
 __ Fortune cookies
 __ Self-help books
 __ Biorythms
 __ Mantras
 __ Insurance policies
 __ Lottery
 __ Television
 __ Ann Landers
 __ Sex
 __ Alcohol or drugs
 __ Other: ____________
 __ None

 God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to
 preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
 faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

 a. More Divine Intervention
 b. Less Divine Intervention
 c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
 d. Don't know

 God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
 disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5
 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
 a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
 1   2   3   4   5

 b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease,
    sports upsets)
 1   2   3   4   5

 Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
 improving the quality of God's services?
 (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

Subj:     Anne Graham, God, And September 11 (S341b, DU)
          From: cookpat on 8/5/2003

 Warning - This is NOT a joke.

 Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show
 and Jane Clayson asked her "I've heard people say, those
 who are religious, those who are not, if God is good, how
 could God let this happen? To that, you say?

 Anne Graham Lotz: I say God is also angry when he sees
 something like this.  I would say also for several years
 now Americans in a sense have shaken their fist at God and
 said, God, we want you out of our schools, our government,
 our business, we want you out of our marketplace.  And God,
 who is a gentleman, has just quietly backed out of our
 national and political life, our public life.  Removing his
 hand of blessing and protection.  We need to turn to God
 first of all and say, God, we're sorry we have treated you
 this way and we invite you now to come into our national
 life. We put our trust in you.  We have our trust in God
 on our coins, we need to practice it.

 Going to snopes.com and entering "Anne Graham" I go the
 above interview from http://www.snopes.com/rumors/wheregod.htm

Subj:     Woodcutter Meets The Lord (S341b, S848)
          From: gheckman on 8/1/2003
      and From: virv on 4/10/2013
 (See 'Seamstress Drops Thimble In River' in Clothing-Supp)


 One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree
 above a river, his axe fell into the river.  When he cried
 out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
 The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
 and he needed the axe to make his living.  The Lord went
 down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.  "Is
 this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied,

 The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is
 this your axe?" the Lord asked.  Again, the woodcutter
 replied, "No."  The Lord went down again and came up with
 an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"  the Lord asked.  The
 woodcutter replied, "Yes."  The Lord was pleased with the
 man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the
 woodcutter went home happy.

 Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife
 along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
 When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
 "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the
 water!"  The Lord went down into the water and came up with
 Jennifer Lopez.  "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes,"
 cried the woodcutter.

 The Lord was furious. "You lied!  That is an untruth!" The
 woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a
 misunderstanding.  You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer
 Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
 Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up
 with my wife.  Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given
 all three to me.  Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able
 to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
 to Jennifer Lopez."

 The moral of this story is:  whenever a man lies, it is for
 a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Subj:     Mother Teresa And God (S334b, S756)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/22/2003
      and From: ezines@arcamax.com on 7/6/2011

 Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at
 the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked

 "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

 So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye
 bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble
 meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
 inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
 and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained

 The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
 Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa
 could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey,
 venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

 The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
 was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
 Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with
 you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But
 here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye
 bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and
 kings! I just don't understand it..."

 God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
 He said, "... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Subj:     'God Speaks' Billboards (S334, DU)
         From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003

 Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks"
 billboards. The billboards are a simple black background
 with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
 is included. These are awesome ... enjoy

 Tell the kids I love them. - God

 Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God

 C'mon over and bring the kids. - God

 What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God

 We need to talk. - God

 Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

 Don't make me come down there. - God

 Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. - God

 That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. - God

 I love you and you and you and you and... - God

 Will the road you're on get you to my place? - God

 Follow me. - God

 Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

 My way is the highway. - God

 Need directions? - God

 You think it's hot here? - God

 Have you read my #1 best seller?  There will be a test. - God

 Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

Subj:     Lawns and God (S334b, S556c)
          From: FridaySilliness on 6/20/2003
      and From: darrellvip on 9/14/2007

 (an overhead conversation with the Big Guy)

 GOD:  St. Francis, you know all about the gardens and
       nature.  What in the world is going on down there
       in the USA?  What happened to the dandelions,
       violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I
       had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan.  Those
       plants grow in any type of soil, withstanding
       drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from
       the long lasting blossoms attract  butterflies,
       honeybees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to
       see a vast garden of colors by now.  But all I see
       are these green rectangles.

 ST. FRANCIS:  It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
       The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers
       weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and
       replace them with grass.

 GOD:  Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It
       doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees  -- only
       grubs and sod worms.  It's temperamental with
       temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all
       that grass growing there?

 ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains
       to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring
       by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
       that crops up in the lawn.

 GOD:  The spring and warm weather probably make grass grow
       really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

 ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a
       little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

 GOD:  They cut it?  Do they bale it like hay?

 ST. FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up
       and put it in bags.

 GOD:  They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?

 ST. FRANCIS:  No sir-just the opposite.  They pay to throw
       it away.

 GOD:  Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass
       so it will grow.  And when it does grow, they cut it
       off and pay to throw it away?

 ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, sir.

 GOD:  These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
       when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
       That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
       of work.

 ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord.
       When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
       hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
       continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

 GOD:  What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.
       That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I say so myself.
       The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
       and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to
       the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
       in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  Plus,
       as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the
       soil.  It's a natural circle of life.

 ST. FRANCIS:  You'd better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites
       have drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall,
       they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
       hauled away.

 GOD:  NO!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
       roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and

 ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go out
       and buy something which they call mulch.  They haul
       it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

 GOD:  And where do they get this mulch?

 ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to
       make the mulch.

 GOD:  Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.
       St. Catherine, you are in charge of the arts.  What
       movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

 ST. CATHERINE:  "Dumb and Dumber", Lord.  It's a real
       stupid movie about (abruptly interrupted).

 GOD:  Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story
       from St. Francis.

Subj:     Is God Black Or White? (S323b, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003

 Two lifelong friends had a running argument.  The black
 friend would argue that God was black, and the white
 friend would disagree and say that God was white.

 One day, they decided to go fishing.  On the way back,
 they were still arguing about whether or not God was
 black or white.  Before they knew it, they where in an
 accident, and they found themselves in heaven.  When
 they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates.

 Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or

 St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room
 and God would come out and talk to them about it.

 While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether
 God was black or white.  Then they heard some footsteps
 coming.  They turned around as the door swung open and in
 stepped in God in His grandest toga.

 They looked to Him expectantly, waiting for His answer to
 their long running argument.

 "Hola, muchachos!"

Subj:     The Winning Lottery Number (S262, DU)
          From: dogbyte on 2/4/2002

 Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for
 the brand new truck and lost.  This year, he told his
 friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

 "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.  He leaned
 closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith.  Look
 around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

 Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more
 despondent as the drawing neared.  Nothing struck him, no
 divine inspiration, no sign from God.

 Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie
 stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.
 She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began
 to glow.  All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the
 skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a
 notepad.  The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

 Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played
 the number 77.  A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
 And once again, Paul lost.

 The winning number was 707....

Subj:     God's 'Voice Mail' (S235b, DU)
          From: gheckman on 7/27/2001

 Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as
 a necessary part of our daily lives.  But have you ever
 wondered what it would be like if God decided to install
 voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

 Thank you for calling Heaven.

 For English, Press 1.
 For Spanish, Press 2.
 For all other languages, press 0.

 Please select one of the following options:
 Press 1 for Requests.
 Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
 Press 3 for Complaints.
 Press 4 for all other inquiries.

 I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping
 other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important
 to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received.
 Please stay on the line.

 If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while
 you are holding, press  4.

 To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press
 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed
 by the "pound" sign.  (If you receive a negative response,
 please hang up and try area code 666.)

 For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed
 by the numbers 3-1-6.  For answers to nagging questions
 about dinosaurs, the age of the Earth, life on other
 planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you

 Our computers show that you have already prayed today.
 Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

 The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a
 religious holiday.  Please pray again on Monday after 9:30
 am.  If you are calling after hours and need emergency
 assistance, please contact your local pastor.

 Thank you, and
 have a heavenly day!

Subj:     Little Jimmy Talks To God (S232, S698)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/26/2001

 Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a
 meadow on a warm spring day.  Puffy white clouds rolled
 by and he pondered their shape.  Soon, he began to think
 about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out
 loud.  To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.

 "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

 Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God?  What is a
 million years like to you?"

 Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of
 infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could
 relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

 "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars
 like to you?"

 "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

 "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so
 generous, can I have one of your pennies?"

 God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

Subj:     Mister Boffo Cartoons (S935)
          Drawn by Joe Martin on 12/5/2014
 Source: http://www.mrboffo.com/mbarchives/mbarch.html
Subj:     The Senility Prayer (S149)
          From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999

 God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked
 anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
 the eyesight to tell the  difference.

 Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  3. I finally got my head together;
     now my body is falling apart.
  4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
  6. If all is not lost, where is it?
  7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
     been anywhere.
 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
     you're in the bathroom.
 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
     them on my knees.
 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
 everyone decide to play chess?
 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
 17. The only difference between a rut and
     a grave is the depth.
 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
     hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then
     wonder what I'm here after.

Subj:     God's Affair (S55)
          From: Anaise on 98-02-16

 Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
 God had had an affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal
 began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed
 that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a
 barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

 Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a
 long time," that she was constantly talking about her
 relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have
 had his child."

 In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement
 denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and
 that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

 Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a
 brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation
 to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been
 broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered
 money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
 operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued
 subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
 go-betweens in the affair.

 Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to
 do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed
 to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
 order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.  In recent
 months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
 to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts
 that plagued God's political opponents in the last election,
 as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of
 Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
 scandal involving whether the giveaway  of a parcel of public
 land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group
 was quid pro quo for political contributions.

 If these new allegations prove to be true, this could be a
 huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
 crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punish-
 ments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
 "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a
 bill by Rep. Moses.

 Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
 provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers
 for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
 Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on
 free speech.

Subj:     Letter From G-d (S53)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #30 on 98-01-31

 After having been commissioned by G-d to take a survey of
 how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his
 boss ready to present his findings.  "Tell me, St. Peter,
 what have you found out?" G-d asked.

 "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people
 are behaving in a sinful manner.  There's drugs, alcohol,
 murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah.  But
 the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.  According
 to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.  Even four
 out of five dentists recommend it!  I'm afraid it has
 reached epidemic proportions."

 "Hmmm," G-d said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommend-
 ations as to what should be done to put an end to this
 sexual perversion?"

 "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who
 engages in oral sex.  The contents of that message should
 tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day
 if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

 "That is an effective solution," G-d stated, "but I think
 that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we
 should reward those who refrain from it.  Let's send a
 letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
 these good people.

 Do you know what the letter said?
 (scroll down)
 No? You didn't get one either, huh?

Subj:     When God Created Mothers
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-20

 When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his
 sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You
 are doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

 And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order?
 She has to be completely washable, but not plastic...have
 180 movable parts - all replaceable...run on black coffee
 and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands
 up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a
 disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."

 The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of
 hands?  No way."  "It's not the hands that are causing me
 problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes
 that mothers have to have."

 "That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.  The Lord
 nodded.  "One pair that sees through closed doors when she
 asks, "What are you kids doing in there?"  when she already
 knows. Another in the back of her head that sees what she
 shouldn't but what she has to know.  And, of course, the
 ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and
 say, "I understand and I love you" without uttering a word."

 "Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "go to
 bed.  Tomorrow is another..."  "I can't" said the Lord "I'm
 so close now.  Already I have one who heals herself when
 she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of
 hamburger, and can get a nine-year old to stand under a

 The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly.  "It's
 too soft." she sighed.  "But tough!" said the Lord excitedly,
 "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."

 "Can it think?" "Not only think, but it can reason and
 compromise." said the Creator.

 Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the
 cheek. "There's a leak." she pronounced. "It's not a leak,"
 said the Lord, "it's a tear."  "What's it for?"  "It's for
 joy, sadness, disapointment, pain, loneliness and pride."

 "You are a genius." said the angel.  The Lord looked somber.
 "I didn't put it there."

Subj:     Woman Calls God From Hell

 An old Catholic woman dies and winds up in hell.  Knowing
 full well that she was a good catholic and did nothing
 wrong her entire life, she phones up god to complain,
 "Hello God?," she starts, "This is Mary, there seems to be
 a problem, I've died and gone to hell, and I don't like it
 much down here.  Is there any way you can get me up there
 where I belong?"

 God reply's, "HMMM, Mary you say? Let me check the records,
 I'll call you right back."

 Two days go by with no phone call.  In the mean time Mary
 decides to call God back.  "Hello God?", Mary shouts,
 "There are people swearing and cursing down here.  There
 are prostitutes and drug dealers. I really wish you would
 hurry up and get me out of here."

 God reply’s "Mary, we have found out that a computer error
 occurred and your not supposed to be down there, please
 give us a few hours to clear this problem up, and well
 have you up here in a jiffy."

 Mary, bides her time.  After a few more days with no phone
 call Mary calls God again.  "HELLO, GOD?" she screams,
 "This is an emergency, There are people fornicating at my
 feet, a man just flashed me his private parts, and it was
 not a pretty sight.  PLEASE PLEASE, get me Out Of HERE!!!!"

 God reply’s "Mary, the computer programmer couldn't fix the
 problem, so he turned it over to his systems administrator,
 the problem should be fixed shortly.  Please hang in there,
 we're doing the best we can.  I'll call you right back."

 So Mary waits two more days......no phone call.  So Mary
 calls again.  "HELLO, ASSHOLE?" FUCK OFF, They've Got Bingo!!!!"

Subj:     Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God (S189)
          From: DrSwitzer on 04/12/97
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/14/2000

 Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates each received a visit from God.
 God told them that he was going to cause the world to end
 in three days.  Yeltsin went back to Moscow and told the Russian
 people:  I've got bad news and worse news:  the bad news is that
 the Soviets were wrong all along--there is a God.  The worse
 news is that the world will end in three days.

 Clinton returned to Washington and told the American people:
 I've got good news and bad news: the good news is that the
 American people were right all along, there is a God.  The bad
 news is that the world will end in three days.

 Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and told his people: I've got
 good news and better news: the good news is that God thinks I'm
 important.  The better news is 'The Year 2000' problem is solved.

Subj:     God Created Women-Poem (349b)
          From: RFSlick on 9/28/2003

 First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
 Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
 After casting about for a suitable pearl,
 He kept messing around and created a girl.

 Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
 Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
 Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
 And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
 Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
 Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
 Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
 And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
 Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
 And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

 Then he added a mouth.

 Ruined the whole fucking thing.

Subj:     God Created Dogs, Monkeys, Cows And Men (S212, S521)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/15/2007

 God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
 your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
 For this, I will give you a  life span of twenty years."
 The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking.  How about
 only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"   So
 God agreed.

 On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
 people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give
 you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said: "Monkey tricks
 for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How
 about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"  And God agreed.

 On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go
 into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
 the sun, have calves  and give milk to support the farmer's
 family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you  want me to
 live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the
 other forty?"  And God agreed again.

 On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
 marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
 years."  But man said: "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly
 give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
 monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
 eighty, okay?"

 "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why the first
 twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the
 next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
 For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
 grandchildren.  And for the last ten years we sit on the front
 porch and bark at everyone.

 Life has now been explained to you.

Subj:     Children's Letters To God (S113)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-29
      and From: Tom_Adams on 3/24/99

 Dear GOD,
 Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that
 or was it an accident? Norma

 Dear GOD,
 Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
 why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane

 Dear GOD,
 Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

 Dear GOD,
 I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
 Is that okay? Neil

 Dear GOD,
 What does it mean You are a Jealous God?
 I thought You had everything. Jane

 Dear GOD,
 Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
 Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla

 Dear GOD,
 Thank you for the baby brother, but what
 I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

 Dear GOD,
 Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought
 it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

 Dear GOD,
 Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before,
 You can look it up. Bruce

 Dear GOD,
 My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.
 Ha ha. Danny

 Dear GOD,
 Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
 if they had their own rooms.   It works with my brother.

 Dear GOD,
 I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big
 but not with so much hair all over. Sam

 Dear GOD,
 You don't have to worry about me.  I always look
 both ways. Dean

 Dear GOD,
 I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.

 Dear GOD,
 I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody
 in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our
 family and I can never do it. Nan

 Dear GOD,
 Of all the people who work for You
 I like Noah and David the best. Rob

 Dear GOD,
 My brother told me about being born but it doesn't
 sound right.  They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha

 Dear GOD,
 If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll
 show You my new shoes. Mickey D.

 Dear GOD,
 I would like to live 900 years like
 the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

 Dear GOD,
 We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in school they said
 You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

 Dear GOD:
 The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark
 on dry land you fool."  But he was smart, he stuck
 with You.  That's what I would do. Eddie

 Dear GOD,
 I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well,
 I just want You to know but I am not just saying
 that because You are GOD already. Charles

 Dear GOD,
 I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
 sunset you made on Tuesday.  That was cool! Eugene

 Dear GOD,
 In Sunday school they told us what You do.
 Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane

 Dear GOD,
 I read the Bible.  What does begat mean?
 Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

 Dear GOD,
 Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

 Dear GOD,
 Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he
 uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Subj:     More Children's Letters To God (S284)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 7/9/2002

 Dear God,
 Please put another holiday between Christmas
 and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny

 Dear Mr. God,
 I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
 apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

 Dear - God,
 If we come back as something, please don't let me be
 Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise

 Dear God,
 It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
 He said some things about you that people are not supposed
 to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.  Your
 friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

 Dear God,
 How did you know you were God? Charlene

 Dear God,
 I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them.
 You really made up some good ones. Glenn

 Dear God,
 My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
 How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

 Dear God,
 It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you
 get mixed up sometimes? Arnold

 Dear God,
 In bible times did they really talk that fancy?  Jennifer

 Dear God,
 How come you did all those miracles in the old days and
 don't do any now? Seymour

 Dear God,
 Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

 Dear God,
 Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
 they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother. Larry

 Dear God,
 I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet.
 Don't forget. Mark

 Dear God,
 Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him
 through business? Donny

 Dear God,
 It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right
 places. Jeff

 Dear God,
 I am doing the best I can. Frank

Subj:     Children's Letters To God II
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/21/2006 (S475c)
          Source: http://go.funpic.hu

 To view these letters to God on my web site click 'HERE'.

Subj:     Short God Jokes (S105)

Subj:     God's Messenger By Dave Barry (S403b)
          From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
 And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
 its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
 will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
 a bad hairstyle.  -- Dave Barry

Subj:     A Man Talks To God? (S162)
          From: RFSlick on 3/9/00
 A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass ? looking up
 at the clouds.  He was identifying shapes when he decided to
 talk to God.

 "God," he asked, "how long is a million years?"

 God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about aminute."

 The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?'

 God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

 The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

 God answered, "In a minute."

Subj:     Tweety Bird's Prayer (S131b, S329)
          From: mbucher on 7/28/99
      and From: darrell94590 on 3/14/2007
 You can view this cute cartoon on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
 An athestic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake
 at night wondering if there really is a DOG!

From: Taven on 99-02-06 (S105)
 God is real, unless previously declared an integer

From: dogbyte on 12/10/2001 (S254)
 God didn't go into the religion business until
 He was sure that He could make a prophet!

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/31/2002 (S270c)
 "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid
  to laugh."  --Voltaire (1694-1778)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/21/2002 (S295b)
 The gods too are fond of a joke.
   -- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/18/03 (S325b)
 He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need
 because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a
 beast or a god.  -- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003 (S310b)
 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
 geography."  -- Paul Rodriguez

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/4/2003 (S349b)
 What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
 God calls a butterfly!

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/14/2006 (S386b)
 Make God laugh, "Tell him your plans" --Ken Hall

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
 Q: Why did God invent women?
 A: Because sheep can't cook.

                           -(o o)-
.............................Scared to death from Smiley_Central