Subj: God2 Jokes
(Includes 37 jokes and articles, 18935,4,cf,md4wT,2)
Click "Here" for God-Supp
Three Crosses from
Includes the following: Interview
With God - Video (S528c in Supp)
.........................What God Created.... (S511b in Supp)
.........................Give Me A Sign Lord - Drawing (S402b)
.........................How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments (S470b, DU)
.........................God's Questionnaire (S414, DU)
.........................Anne Graham, God, And September 11 (S341b, DU)
.........................Woodcutter Meets The Lord (S341b, S848)
.........................Mother Teresa And God (S334b, S756)
.........................'God Speaks' Billboards (S334, DU)
.........................Lawns and God (S334b, S556c)
.........................Is God Black Or White? (S323b, DU)
.........................The Winning Lottery Number (S262, DU)
.........................God's 'Voice Mail' (S235b, DU)
.........................Little Jimmy Talks To God (S232, S698)
.........................Mister Boffo Cartoons (S935)
.........................The Senility Prayer (S149)
.........................God's Affair (S55)
.........................Letter From G-d (S53)
.........................When God Created Mothers
.........................Woman Calls God From Hell
.........................Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God (S189)
.........................God Created Women-Poem (349b)
.........................God Created Dogs, Monkeys, Cows, And Men (S212, S521)
.........................Children's Letters To God (S113)
.........................More Children's Letters To God (S284)
.........................Children's Letters To God II (S475c)
Short God Jokes (S105)
..............................Opus On God (S607 in Supp)
..............................Diamond Rio's 'In God We Still Trust' -Vid (S566b-Sup)
..............................God's Messenger By Dave Barry (S403b)
..............................A Man Talks To God? (S162)
..............................Tweedy Bird's Prayer (S131B, S529)
Subj: Give Me A Sign Lord (S402b)
From: LABLaughsClean 2004-09-30 on 9/30/2004
Subj: How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments (S470b, DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/26/2006
The Lord went to the Arabs and
said, "I have Commandments for
you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are
Commandments?" And the Lord
said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and
said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor
thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and
said, "I haveCommandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou
shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said,
"I have Commandments." The
French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"We'll take 10."
Subj: God's Questionnaire (S414, DU)
From: DafterLafter on 12/28/2004
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for
your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take
a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
to comments or suggestions.
How did you find out about God?
__ Word of mouth
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Friend or Relative
__ Other: ____________
Are you currently using any other
source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Fortune cookies
__ Self-help books
__ Insurance policies
__ Ann Landers
__ Alcohol or drugs
__ Other: ____________
God employs a limited degree
of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
God also attempts to maintain
a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5
his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous
remission of disease,
1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments
or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Subj: Anne Graham, God, And September 11 (S341b, DU)
From: cookpat on 8/5/2003
Warning - This is NOT a joke.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed
on the Early Show
and Jane Clayson asked her "I've heard people say, those
who are religious, those who are not, if God is good, how
could God let this happen? To that, you say?
Anne Graham Lotz: I say God is
also angry when he sees
something like this. I would say also for several years
now Americans in a sense have shaken their fist at God and
said, God, we want you out of our schools, our government,
our business, we want you out of our marketplace. And God,
who is a gentleman, has just quietly backed out of our
national and political life, our public life. Removing his
hand of blessing and protection. We need to turn to God
first of all and say, God, we're sorry we have treated you
this way and we invite you now to come into our national
life. We put our trust in you. We have our trust in God
on our coins, we need to practice it.
Going to snopes.com and entering
"Anne Graham" I go the
above interview from http://www.snopes.com/rumors/wheregod.htm
Subj: Woodcutter Meets The Lord (S341b, S848)
From: gheckman on 8/1/2003
and From: virv on 4/10/2013
(See 'Seamstress Drops Thimble In River' in Clothing-Supp)
WHY MEN LIE
One day, while a woodcutter was
cutting a branch of a tree
above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went
down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied,
The Lord again went down and
came up with a silver axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter
replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with
an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The
woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the
woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter
was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the
water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes,"
cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied!
That is an untruth!" The
woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer
Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given
all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able
to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is:
whenever a man lies, it is for
a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Subj: Mother Teresa And God (S334b, S756)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/22/2003
and From: email@example.com on 7/6/2011
Mother Teresa died and went to
heaven. God greeted her at
the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and
reached for a chunk of rye
bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble
meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained
The next day God again invited
her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa
could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey,
venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived
and another can of tuna
was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with
you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But
here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye
bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and
kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest
He said, "... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
Subj: 'God Speaks' Billboards (S334, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003
Here's a list of all variations
of the "God Speaks"
billboards. The billboards are a simple black background
with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. These are awesome ... enjoy
Tell the kids I love them. - God
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God
C'mon over and bring the kids. - God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God
We need to talk. - God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God
Don't make me come down there. - God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. - God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. - God
I love you and you and you and you and... - God
Will the road you're on get you to my place? - God
Follow me. - God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God
My way is the highway. - God
Need directions? - God
You think it's hot here? - God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. - God
Do you have any idea where you're going? - God
Subj: Lawns and God (S334b, S556c)
From: FridaySilliness on 6/20/2003
and From: darrellvip on 9/14/2007
LAWNS AND GOD
(an overhead conversation with the Big Guy)
GOD: St. Francis, you know
all about the gardens and
nature. What in the world is going on down there
in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I
had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstanding
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from
the long lasting blossoms attract butterflies,
honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see
are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes
that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's
so boring. It's not colorful. It
doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees -- only
grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently
so, Lord. They go to great pains
to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring
by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring and warm
weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently
not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly,
Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No sir-just
the opposite. They pay to throw
GOD: Now, let me get this
straight. They fertilize grass
so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it
off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites
must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't
going to believe this, Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense!
At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to
the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus,
as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the
soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better
sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,
they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
GOD: NO! What do
they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing
away the leaves, they go out
and buy something which they call mulch. They haul
it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down
trees and grind them up to
make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't
want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you are in charge of the arts. What
movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and
Dumber", Lord. It's a real
stupid movie about (abruptly interrupted).
GOD: Never mind. I think
I just heard the whole story
from St. Francis.
Subj: Is God Black Or White? (S323b, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003
Two lifelong friends had a running
argument. The black
friend would argue that God was black, and the white
friend would disagree and say that God was white.
One day, they decided to go fishing.
On the way back,
they were still arguing about whether or not God was
black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an
accident, and they found themselves in heaven. When
they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates.
Again, the question was brought
up, "Is God black or
St. Peter told them to have a
seat in the waiting room
and God would come out and talk to them about it.
While they were waiting, they
continued to argue whether
God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps
coming. They turned around as the door swung open and in
stepped in God in His grandest toga.
They looked to Him expectantly,
waiting for His answer to
their long running argument.
Subj: The Winning Lottery Number (S262, DU)
From: dogbyte on 2/4/2002
Every year at the state fair
Paul entered the lottery for
the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his
friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?"
David asked. He leaned
closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look
around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul
grew more and more
despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no
divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing
old Mrs. Kelleher's pie
stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.
She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began
to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the
skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a
notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to
the raffle booth and played
the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707....
Subj: God's 'Voice Mail' (S235b, DU)
From: gheckman on 7/27/2001
Most of us have now learned to
live with "voice mail" as
a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever
wondered what it would be like if God decided to install
voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, Press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry; all of our angels
and saints are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important
to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.
If you would like to hear King
David sing a Psalm while
you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has
been assigned to Heaven, press
5, then enter his or her social security number, followed
by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and try area code 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please
enter J-O-H-N, followed
by the numbers 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the Earth, life on other
planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you
Our computers show that you have
already prayed today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for
the weekend to observe a
religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30
am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency
assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you, and
have a heavenly day!
Subj: Little Jimmy Talks To God (S232, S698)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/26/2001
Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock
in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled
by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think
about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out
loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.
"Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy
asked, "God? What is a
million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not
understand the concept of
infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could
relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then,
what's a million dollars
like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting
an idea. "You're so
generous, can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
Subj: Mister Boffo Cartoons (S935)
Drawn by Joe Martin on 12/5/2014
Subj: The Senility Prayer (S149)
From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999
God, grant me the Senility to
forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together;
now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and
a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then
wonder what I'm here after.
Subj: God's Affair (S55)
From: Anaise on 98-02-16
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning
as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed
that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a
barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that
she "had loved God for a
long time," that she was constantly talking about her
relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have
had his child."
In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement
denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and
that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub
immediately filed a
brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation
to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been
broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that
these allegations have little to
do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed
to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent
months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts
that plagued God's political opponents in the last election,
as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of
Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group
was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these new allegations prove
to be true, this could be a
huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punish-
ments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
"tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a
bill by Rep. Moses.
Critics of the bill have pointed
out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers
for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on
Subj: Letter From G-d (S53)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #30 on 98-01-31
After having been commissioned
by G-d to take a survey of
how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his
boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter,
what have you found out?" G-d asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell
you this, but the people
are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol,
murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But
the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According
to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four
out of five dentists recommend it! I'm afraid it has
reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," G-d said thoughtfully,
"Do you have any recommend-
ations as to what should be done to put an end to this
"I think we should send a message
to everyone on Earth who
engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should
tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day
if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution,"
G-d stated, "but I think
that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we
should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a
letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
these good people.
Do you know what the letter said?
No? You didn't get one either, huh?
Subj: When God Created Mothers
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-20
When the good Lord was creating
mothers, he was into his
sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You
are doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you
read the spec on this order?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic...have
180 movable parts - all replaceable...run on black coffee
and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands
up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a
disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly
and said, "Six pairs of
hands? No way." "It's not the hands that are causing me
problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes
that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?"
asked the angel. The Lord
nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she
asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already
knows. Another in the back of her head that sees what she
shouldn't but what she has to know. And, of course, the
ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and
say, "I understand and I love you" without uttering a word."
"Lord," said the angel touching
his sleeve gently, "go to
bed. Tomorrow is another..." "I can't" said the Lord "I'm
so close now. Already I have one who heals herself when
she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of
hamburger, and can get a nine-year old to stand under a
The angel circled the model of
a mother very slowly. "It's
too soft." she sighed. "But tough!" said the Lord excitedly,
"You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?" "Not only think,
but it can reason and
compromise." said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over
and ran her finger across the
cheek. "There's a leak." she pronounced. "It's not a leak,"
said the Lord, "it's a tear." "What's it for?" "It's for
joy, sadness, disapointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a genius." said the
angel. The Lord looked somber.
"I didn't put it there."
Subj: Woman Calls God From Hell
An old Catholic woman dies and
winds up in hell. Knowing
full well that she was a good catholic and did nothing
wrong her entire life, she phones up god to complain,
"Hello God?," she starts, "This is Mary, there seems to be
a problem, I've died and gone to hell, and I don't like it
much down here. Is there any way you can get me up there
where I belong?"
God reply's, "HMMM, Mary you
say? Let me check the records,
I'll call you right back."
Two days go by with no phone
call. In the mean time Mary
decides to call God back. "Hello God?", Mary shouts,
"There are people swearing and cursing down here. There
are prostitutes and drug dealers. I really wish you would
hurry up and get me out of here."
God reply’s "Mary, we have found
out that a computer error
occurred and your not supposed to be down there, please
give us a few hours to clear this problem up, and well
have you up here in a jiffy."
Mary, bides her time. After
a few more days with no phone
call Mary calls God again. "HELLO, GOD?" she screams,
"This is an emergency, There are people fornicating at my
feet, a man just flashed me his private parts, and it was
not a pretty sight. PLEASE PLEASE, get me Out Of HERE!!!!"
God reply’s "Mary, the computer
programmer couldn't fix the
problem, so he turned it over to his systems administrator,
the problem should be fixed shortly. Please hang in there,
we're doing the best we can. I'll call you right back."
So Mary waits two more days......no
phone call. So Mary
calls again. "HELLO, ASSHOLE?" FUCK OFF, They've Got Bingo!!!!"
Subj: Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God (S189)
From: DrSwitzer on 04/12/97
and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/14/2000
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates
each received a visit from God.
God told them that he was going to cause the world to end
in three days. Yeltsin went back to Moscow and told the Russian
people: I've got bad news and worse news: the bad news is that
the Soviets were wrong all along--there is a God. The worse
news is that the world will end in three days.
Clinton returned to Washington
and told the American people:
I've got good news and bad news: the good news is that the
American people were right all along, there is a God. The bad
news is that the world will end in three days.
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft
and told his people: I've got
good news and better news: the good news is that God thinks I'm
important. The better news is 'The Year 2000' problem is solved.
Subj: God Created Women-Poem (349b)
From: RFSlick on 9/28/2003
First the Lord made man in the
Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole fucking thing.
Subj: God Created Dogs, Monkeys, Cows And Men (S212, S521)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: darrell94590 on 1/15/2007
God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So
On the second day, God created
the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks
for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How
about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created
the cow and said: "You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created
man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
"Okay," said God, "You asked
for it." So that is why the first
twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Subj: Children's Letters To God (S113)
From: ipkis on 97-06-29
and From: Tom_Adams on 3/24/99
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident? Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay? Neil
What does it mean You are a Jealous God?
I thought You had everything. Jane
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla
Thank you for the baby brother, but what
I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought
it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before,
You can look it up. Bruce
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail.
Ha ha. Danny
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big
but not with so much hair all over. Sam
You don't have to worry about me. I always look
both ways. Dean
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody
in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it. Nan
Of all the people who work for You
I like Noah and David the best. Rob
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't
sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll
show You my new shoes. Mickey D.
I would like to live 900 years like
the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said
You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark
on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck
with You. That's what I would do. Eddie
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well,
I just want You to know but I am not just saying
that because You are GOD already. Charles
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
In Sunday school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane
I read the Bible. What does begat mean?
Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he
uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Subj: More Children's Letters To God (S284)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 7/9/2002
Please put another holiday between Christmas
and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny
Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
Dear - God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be
Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your
friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).
How did you know you were God? Charlene
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. Glenn
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you
get mixed up sometimes? Arnold
In bible times did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and
don't do any now? Seymour
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet.
Don't forget. Mark
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him
through business? Donny
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right
I am doing the best I can. Frank
Children's Letters To God II
on 2/21/2006 (S475c)
To view these letters to God on my web site click 'HERE'.
Subj: Short God Jokes (S105)
Subj: God's Messenger By Dave Barry (S403b)
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
a bad hairstyle. -- Dave Barry
Subj: A Man Talks To God? (S162)
From: RFSlick on 3/9/00
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass ? looking up
at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to
talk to God.
"God," he asked, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about aminute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?'
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
Tweety Bird's Prayer (S131b, S329)
From: mbucher on 7/28/99
and From: darrell94590 on 3/14/2007
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
An athestic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake
at night wondering if there really is a DOG!
From: Taven on 99-02-06 (S105)
God is real, unless previously declared an integer
From: dogbyte on 12/10/2001 (S254)
God didn't go into the religion business until
He was sure that He could make a prophet!
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/31/2002 (S270c)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid
to laugh." --Voltaire (1694-1778)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/21/2002 (S295b)
The gods too are fond of a joke.
-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/18/03 (S325b)
He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need
because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a
beast or a god. -- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)
From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003 (S310b)
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." -- Paul Rodriguez
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/4/2003 (S349b)
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
God calls a butterfly!
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/14/2006 (S386b)
Make God laugh, "Tell him your plans" --Ken Hall
From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
Q: Why did God invent women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.
.............................Scared to death from Smiley_Central