Subj: Hell Jokes
(Includes 21 jokes and articles, 05755n,8,cf)
Devil Hot from
Also see CHURCH-SUPP - 'Two
Boys Discuss Satin'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest'
COMPUTERS4 - 'The Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses'
CONTRACTOR - 'The Parable Of The Good Contractor'
COWBOY file - 'Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game'
EDEN file - 'Lost Genesis Chapter 2'
FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates Dies And Meets God'
FOOD-ETC - 'God And The Devil Create Food'
GOD2 file - 'Woman Calls God From Hell'
HEAD/ADS-SUPP- 'Dirt Devil - The Exorcist' - Movie
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Meets Satan'
......................- 'Ulyssess Grant Meets Several Lawyers'
MATH1 file - 'Proof Barney Is Satanic'
PHYSICS2 file- 'Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'
Muppets - Devil Went To Jamaica(S670)
From: rfslick on 11/11/2009
Drawing from YouTube.com
Devil Went Down to Georgia" is a song
written and performed by the Charlie Daniels
Band released in 1979. In the song, the
Devil, in the mood to make a deal, hears
young Johnny boasting about being the best
Muppet Show, the Devil and Johnny
performed the classic fiddle-duel "The Devil
Went Down to Georgia" as the opening number
in episode 420 on February 11-16, 1980.
Click on Source2, or 'HERE' for my copy,
Devil Went Down to Jamaica" was a song
written and performed by Travis "Buster" Meyer,
a DJ at Rock104 in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1998.
This parody is often miscredited to David Allen
Coe or "Weird Al" Yankovic. Click on Source3,
||Someone on the internet
took the words from
Travis Meyer's drug parody and put them in
the Muppet Show skit. The Disney logo in
the bottom left corner makes it all the
more amazing. Click on Source4, or 'HERE'
Subj: The Devil's Muse - Puzzle (S510)
From: BrainJuice on 10/26/2006
It's everybody's fate, but unfortunately
for you today it's
yours. You die and wander through a long tunnel towards a
light. But, wait a second, that's not white light? It's
Indeed, going through the gate
at the end you face an enormous
deity, cloaked in flames, holding a gigantic trident in one
hand. On this trident you can make out two bodies speared to
it... beads of sweat start to form on your forehead, and they
are not from the heat that's omnipresent in this room.
"Hahaha", the Devil laughs, "don't
be afraid. You won't
necessarily end up like them... they're just the souls of
Mickey and Tung. They sold them to me in exchange for the
ability to create awesome websites, or something like that,
never kept contact with them though... Now, the fact you
are here is that this millennium it's my turn to decide who
goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell. St. Peter really
needed that 1000 year vacation, so I'm on duty now. Since
I'm the boss, I get to decide who goes where. And, to be
completely honest, this 'Good/Bad'behaviour thingy... it's
a bit outdated, isn't it? Instead, I would like to read
some poetry to you."
And so the Devil starts to recite :
Evil am I.
as so to die not sane.
Menace I lay.
A stab mocks.
No din is still.
I kidnap and I kill.
It's sin I don't love.
Say a lie.
A stone I do toss!
"Now", the Devil says. "If you
can point out the single
most peculiar thing about this poem to me, I'll let you
go and you can take that elevator over there... what?..
yeah yeah, the one with hostesses dressed like poultry
at its doors... now start thinking, 'cause I ain't got
Right at that moment you notice
that there's still one
spike unoccupied on Satan's trident...
What is so special about the Devil's poem?
Subj: Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell (S88, DU)
From: RobertTompkins on 98-10-06
and From: DoctorDebt on 2/5/2004
There once was a consultant who
lived her whole life without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for.
In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a
win-win situation. One day while walking down the street
she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven,"
said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems
we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have
higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to
spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made
up my mind...I prefer to stay
"Sorry, we have rules..." And
with that St. Peter put the
consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to
hell. The doors opened and the consultant found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow consultants
that she had worked with and they were all dressed in
evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went
to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually
a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and
dancing. The consultant was having good time that before
she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The
elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day
in heaven." So the
consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before
she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell
and you've spent a day
in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The consultant paused for a second
and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better
time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to
the elevator and again the
consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the
doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking
up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came
up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered
the consultant, "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and a country club
and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.
Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
The Devil looked at her and smiled,
yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
Frank And Ernest Comic Strip
By Bob Thaves
From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/16/2008
Click 'HERE' to see this cute comic strip.
Subj: Saddam Goes To Hell (S346b, DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/19/2003
One day, Saddam Hussein's heart
stops and he dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for
him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You
are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Saddam thought that sounded good
and he agreed. The devil
opened the first room; in it was Ted Kennedy and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed
-- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
No," Saddam said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer
and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil
led him to the next room; in it was Charlie Manson with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after! time. "No, I've got this
problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Saddam.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his
legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Saddam looked at this in disbelief
and finally said, "Yeah,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Subj: Pope, Graham & Roberts Die (S327b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral
Roberts were in a three-way
plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went
to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St.
Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this
is one of those rare coincidences that just happen.
Since we weren't expecting you,
your quarters simply aren't
ready. We can't take you in and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Satan, this
is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours,
but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up
for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while.
It'll only be for a few days. What do you say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St.
Peter got a call. "Pete, this
Satan. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This
Pope fellow is forgiving everybody. The Graham guy is
saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough
money to buy air conditioning.
Non Sequitur Cartoon (DU)
By Wiley Miller
From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/6/2009
Click 'HERE' to see this cartoon about lawyers in hell.
Subj: On Your Head In Hell (DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98
A rather bad man dies and meets
Satan in a room with three
doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one
of these doors. The good news is that you can take a peek
behind each and take your choice."
The man opened the first door
and saw a room full of people,
standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice,
Opening the second door, he saw
a room full of people
standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he
thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he
saw a room full of people,
standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks
best," he said and waded in
to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door
opened, Satan stuck his head
in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
Subj: Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell (S63, DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98
The temperature of Heaven can
be rather accurately
computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the
light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the
light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven
days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49)
times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times
in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000
of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that.
The radiation falling on Heaven
will heat it to the point
where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat
received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann
law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ...
[However] Revelation 21:8 says "But the fearful, and
unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below
the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at
525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
Subj: Hell Sign (S404b)
From: JokesUncut on 6/26/2004
Does this mean that the...
Buffalo Bills have won the Super Bowl?
Chicago Cubs have won the World Series?
The sign is at the entrance to Hell, Michigan.
Subj: Three Guys In Hell (DU)
(Also see 'Don't Hit The Duck' in HEAVEN2
& see 'Three Men & Cindy Crawford At Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN1
and see 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)
Three guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl,
Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present
situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall
open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they
had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her
even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
this woman!" Brett was whisked through the door by a group
of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up
the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7'
tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Carl, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
this woman!" Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably
anxious, and feared the
worst when the third door opened. As the third door inched
open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this
beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"
Subj: Three Guys In Hell Ver. 2 (S207, DU)
From: gheckman on 1/14/2001
These three guys die in a car
wreck, and they all go to Hell.
When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their
sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm
The Devil decides to lock him
in this room for 100 years with
nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah!
Look at all this alcohol!" and
runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the
women. I could never stay
faithful to my wife."
The devil opens the second door
and nothing but the finest-
looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be
the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it.
His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the
room and the Devil shut the door.
The third man said "It's gotta
be the bud. I'm always tokin'
The Devil opens the third door
to reveal nothing but fields
of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke,
chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He
goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the
door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the
Devil comes back to check on
the three men.
He opens the first door and the
man comes crawling out. He's
got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't
shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke,
shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.
The devil tells him that at least
he learned something and
decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second
door and the man comes running
out even faster than when he went in. "I'm gay!" he screams.
The devil decides that at least
he learned not to cheat on his
wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third
door. He opens it and
nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same
position that he was 100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"You got a light man?"
Subj: Engineer Goes To Hell (S230, DU)
From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
and From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/25/2001
An engineer dies and reports
to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the
gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on
the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan
replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've
got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him
up here. All we have are architects. Everything looks
pretty, but nothing works."
Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or
I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Subj: Hell's Schedule (S273, S523c)
From: thebartend on 4/17/2002
and From: roybarron on 1/26/2007
One day a guy died and found
himself in hell. As he was
wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon
said. "We actually have a
lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays
then. On Mondays all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then
we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get
cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all
you want. Craps, blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don't
mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug
day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want,
you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting
to feel better about his
situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
Subj: Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It (S20, DU)
From: ipkis on 97-06-09
(Also see "Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It" in this file)
A farmer dies and goes to hell.
While down there, the Devil
notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He
checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80%
humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so
The farmer says "I like it here.
The temperature is just like
plowing my fields in June." The Devil isn't happy with the
farmer's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and
turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to
After turning everything up he
goes looking for the farmer.
He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The
Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The
farmer says "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds
in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides
to really make the farmer suffer.
He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120
degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the
farmer is up to." So he goes looking for the farmer. He finds
him sitting on the floor even happier than before.
The Devil can't figure it out.
He asks the farmer why he's
happy now. The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like
working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it. I'm
going to get this farmer." He
goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing -5
degrees and no humidity. "Let's see what the farmer has to say
The Devil looks around, and finally
finds the farmer...jumping
up and down for joy and yelling, "THE CUBS HAVE FINALLY WON THE
Subj: Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It (S52, DU)
From: Micheal.Janniro on 98-01-26
(Also see "Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It'
and see "Cajun In Hell" in this file)
Seems there was this nasty biker
riding his hawg down the
icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat
lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to him-
self, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it
hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's
not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road.
Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent
flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH. Well,
when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new
arrivals but the Devil himself.
As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's
hand, he asks mockingly,
"So, how do you like it here?"
The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little
miffed at this upstart, so
he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks
out the biker and asks, "So,
how do you like it now?"
Still the bad-ass biker responds
by saying, "This is great!
Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot
afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil is only
more angered, and cranks the
heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot
as it gets.
The Devil again asks the biker
how he likes it. Undaunted,
the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat
and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love
Now the Devil is just plain pissed,
so he turns the
thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds
the biker again and asks,
"OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every
part of his body, the biker
"W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did
the Broncos f-f-finally
w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
Subj: Cajun In Hell (S680)
From: allenbergman on 2/1/2010
A Cajun who died went to hell.
The devil assigned him the
usual punishment... put him in the mass pit where the heat
was melting others. The devil came back sometime later
surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even
misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much
as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief
from the heat?"
The Cajun laughed and said, "Man,
I was raised in the bayous
of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City
The devil decided to really put
the Cajun through it. He
put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes
and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days
later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to
bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this
possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in
The Cajun laughed even harder
than before. "Hey, man! I
done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink
dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !"
So the devil thought, 'Alright,
a little reverse ought to
do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell
where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to
the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting
frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering,
ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it
Exasperated, the devil asked
"HOW!? How is it possible?!
You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions
you can't be used to... freezing cold and yet you're
happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"
The Cajun kept grinning and asked,
"Don't dis mean de
Saints won da Super Bowl?"
Subj: Satan Goes To Church (S221, S597c)
From: RFSlick on 4/19/2001
and From: darrellvip on 6/27/2008
A few minutes before the services
started, the townspeople
were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in
his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute,"
returned the old man, in an
"Did you know that I could cause
you profound, horrifying,
physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed,
Satan asked, "Well, why aren't
you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been
married to your sister for
over 48 years."
Subj: Twin Brothers Die (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04
Identical twin brothers. One
lives a godly life, good
husband and father, reputable businessman, lots of community
service. One is a hell-raiser, drunk, unfaithful to wife,
mean to kids, cheats and lies.
They both die at about the same
time. The good twin is in
heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is
not as the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and
partying, lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, passionate
kissing going on. The good twin sees St Peter and says to
him, "Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful
and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's
having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and
just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing."
St Peter puts an arm on the man's
shoulder and says, "My
son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it.
The woman doesn't."
Subj: Short Hell Jokes
Subj: Where Are We Going? (S451)
From: Anon Jr. on 9/10/2005
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell
is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe
through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/31/2002 (S291b)
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
-- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
|Smiley the devil from