Subj:     Jesus Jokes
..........(Includes 37 jokes, 05 1129,11,cf,wXT2a8a,3)

..........L5 Update

Jesus Jigsaw
Some New Light Shed
Includes the following:  Uncle Sam Before The King Of Kings (S985)
.........................O Come, Emmanuel - Christmas Version - ThePianoGuys - Video (S829)
.........................Jesus On The Cross (S31, S588b)
.........................Three Proofs Jesus Was ... (S151)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S1027)
.........................Anderson Nails (DU)
.........................Honk If You Love Jesus (S162)
.........................Need Help? Call Jesus - Sign (S772)
.........................What Would Jesus Drive (S233)
.........................Face Of Jesus (S203)
.........................Last Supper In Sand - Picture (S412)
.........................Comparing Jesus And Elvis: (S78)
.........................Jesus And The Woman Who Was To Be Stoned (S73)
.........................Finkelstein and Jesus (S838)
.........................Jesus Substitutes For St. Peter (S18)
.........................Kids Asked 'Where Is Jesus?' (S163)
.........................Feeding The Crowd Bread And Fish - Cartoon (S1129)
.........................Short Jesus Jokes
..............................Jesus Gets A Room (S179)
..............................Have You Found Jesus? (S787)
..............................Women's Prayer (S162)
..............................The Digital Story Of The Nativity - Video (S725)
..............................Why They Took Jesus To Jerusalem (S435b)
..............................Jesus Bumper Sticker (S487b)
..............................Casting The First Stone (S234)
..............................Casting The First Stone II (S403b)
..............................Jesus's Picture (S462)

Also see ARTIST file  - 'Man And His Son Collected Art'
         BIRD-PARROT  - 'Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Boy Wants To Drive The Family Car'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Christmas Mistake'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest'
.........GOD1 file    - 'God Quotation'
         GOD2 file    - 'God's Affair'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Jesus And Moses Play Golf'
......................- 'Jesus, Moses And An Old Man Play Golf'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish Boy In Public School'
         JUDGE file   - 'Nativity In Washington DC'
         MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'I Love Jesus, But I Drink A Little'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         PREACHER file- 'Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus'
         PREGNANT file- 'Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant'
         REDNECK3     - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
         SCHOOL2 file - 'Jesus Taught The Deciples'
Subj:     Uncle Sam Before The King Of Kings (S985)
          From: Carol Ashe on Facebook on 11/26/2015
 Source: www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=102049388270
Subj:     O Come, Emmanuel - Christmas Version - ThePianoGuys
          From: Mel's Video in 2012 (S829d-iFrame)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/ugV6QGcafEE

 The Piano Guys have out done themselves with their beautiful
 version of O Come, Emmanuel. The story of Christmas unfolds
 without a single spoken word. Best viewed full screen in
 1080p HD - Sound UP!  Click 'HERE' to see this very beautiful
 story of Christ told.

Subj:     Jesus On The Cross (S31, S588b)
          From: Patricia Duvalle
..........(told to me twenty years ago)

 Jesus is on the cross.  He looks down at the crowd and
 spotting Peter he calls out "Peter, Peter."  Hearing his
 master's voice, Peter pushes his way through crowd.  The
 last one between Peter and his lord is a centurion guard.
 He tries to push his was past the guard.  The centurion
 stabs Peter in the side with his spear and thrown him back
 into the crowd.

 Jesus again looks out into the crowd.  He spots Peter on
 the ground bleeding and calls out "Peter, Peter."  Hearing
 his master's voice, Peter grabs his side to stop the
 bleeding, stands up and pushes his way through the crowd.
 He comes face to face with the centurion who stabs him in
 the other side and tosses him back in the crowd.

 Jesus looks down on Peter and again says "Peter, Peter."
 Peter grabs both sides to stop the bleeding, but can not
 stand up.  He crawled through the crowd and between the
 legs of the centurion.  Looking up at his master, Peter
 replied "I am here my Lord.  I have answered your call."

 Jesus looked down at Peter and then up into the sunset.
 Looking back down at Peter, Christ said "I can see your
 house from here."

Subj:     Three Proofs Jesus Was ... (S93, S151, S588c)
          From: icohen in 1999

      He went into his father's business.
      He lived at home until he was 33.
      He was sure his mother was a virgin, and
         his Mother was sure he was God.

      He never got married.
      He was always telling stories.
      He loved the green pastures.

      His first name was Jesus.
      He was bilingual.
      He was always being harassed by authorities.

      He talked with his hands.
      He had wine with every meal.
      He worked in the building trades.

      He called everybody "brother".
      He liked Gospel.
      He couldn't get a fair trial.

      He never cut his hair.
      He walked around barefoot.
      He started a new religion.

......He made the blind to see.
......He made the lame to walk.
......He made the sick be well.

      He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice
         when there was no food.
      He kept trying to get the message across to
         a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
      Even when he was dead he had to get up because
         there was more work to do.

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S1027)
          By Dan Piraro in 2016
 Source: www.bizarro.com/comics/september-17-2016/
Subj:     Anderson Nails (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #179 in 1998

 A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been
 experiencing years of success and growth.  Feeling that he
 was ready to try for the big time, the owner (Anderson, of
 course) contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him
 promote his product.

 Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency
 booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl
 halftime show.  Anderson was pretty excited about this,
 and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home
 for a big Super Bowl party.

 At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the
 TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial.  It
 began with an arial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a
 small walled city.  As the camera slowly panned about the
 city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during
 the Roman occupation.  A large hill on the horizon came
 into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of
 crosses became visible.  The focus settled on a naked man
 in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup
 of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the
 cross.  The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo.
 A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words
 "Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice".

 Anderson's guests were horrified.  The party broke up before
 the end of the game.  The next day, he began to get phone
 calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing
 their outrage and cancelling their orders.  By the end of
 the week, his sales were down to nothing.

 He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel
 his contract.  When Anderson explained the situation, the
 ad-man was surprised, and offered to run a new campaign at
 no charge.

 The new campaign was slated to start in a few weeks time
 (not too long before Easter, as it turned out).  This time,
 Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the
 privacy of his office.

 It began the same way as before, with an arial view of
 Jerusalem.  The camera finally settled on two Roman
 soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace.
 Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from their
 drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands
 and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers.  The
 first soldier looks at his companion, smiles knowingly,
 and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!"

Subj:     Honk If You Love Jesus (S162, DU)
          From: KMacinty in 2000

 I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

 The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
 saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling
 particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
 thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
 meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy,
 I'm glad I did!  What an uplifting experience followed!

 I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
 in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't
 notice that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone
 else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
 noticed!  I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
 crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For
 the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"  What an exuberant
 cheerleader he was for  Jesus! Everyone started honking! I
 just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at
 all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
 share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida
 back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
 beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his
 middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked my teenage grandson
 in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably
 a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.  Well, I've never met
 anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him
 the good luck sign back.  My grandson burst out laughing ....
 he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

 A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
 moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
 towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
 attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and
 drove on through the intersection.  I  noticed I was the only
 car that got through the intersection before the light changed
 again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
 all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned
 out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
 sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such
 wonderful folks!


Subj:     Need Help? Call Jesus (S772)
          From: sam.hutkins on 10/27/2011

 As I was driving home this week worrying about all the
 crap going on in Washington and how my life was falling
 apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
 Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

 A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Subj:     What Would Jesus Drive (S233, DU)
          From: mbucher in 2001

 Giving WWJD New Meaning:

 Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?"  But
 the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

 One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old
 Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve
 out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

 But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and
 a Geo.  The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies
 with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

 Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'
 followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the
 Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

 Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't
 like to talk about it.  As proof, they cite a verse in
 St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I
 did not speak of my own Accord..."

 Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as
 evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar
 of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

 Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its
 muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the

 And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car
 pooled in a Honda ....."The Apostles were in one

Subj:     Face Of Jesus (S203, DU)
          From: pns in 2000

 In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
 Come the millennium, month 12
 In the home of greatest power,
 The village idiot will come forth
 To be acclaimed the leader

 Santa Fe family sees face of Jesus in fireplace log
      The New Mexican12/21/2000

 Donna Magallanes had returned from her kitchen a week ago
 when she realized a picture of Christ hanging above the
 fireplace in her living room had miraculously transferred
 itself to a log nearby.

 "I went to the kitchen, and the picture of Jesus was on the
 wood," Magallanes said.

 The log now contains an outline of what the 36-year-old
 Magallanes believes is Jesus' hair, eyes, beard and mustache.
 It is a darker brown than the rest of the log.

 Magallanes said it appeared as if someone had thrown water
 on the picture of the Last Supper, which was hanging over
 her fireplace. She said her boyfriend threw the picture away.

 "It's a blessing that (God is) telling me something," said
 Magallanes, the mother of three. "I believe that he's helping
 me out because everything has been going really well."

 "Nothing like this has ever happened to us," said Tanya
 Houston, Magallanes' 40-year-old sister, who is keeping the
 log at her house. "I figure this is just a sign from God, and
 maybe all our worries will stop."

 Magallanes gave the log, which is about 2 feet long, to her
 sister after the Rev. John A. Flaska Jr., pastor of St. John
 the Baptist Catholic Church, blessed it.

 Flaska said he blessed the log because he thought it contained
 something the family believed was the sacred face of Jesus.
 "If they were going to believe it to be the sacred face and ...
 would be inspired by that," Flaska said, "I blessed it."

 Houston said a smooth part of the log was the "Valley" - the
 Valle Vista public housing where she lives. Houston said she
 could also make out an image of Jesus on a crucifix and angels.

 Houston said her family has had a lot of problems.  She said
 her sister has lost some of her memory because a boyfriend in
 California almost beat her to death several months ago.

 "This guy beat me up really bad," Magallanes said, "and I came
 back. It's just something different.

 "Donna is the light of our family except she is the only one
 that doesn't know it," Houston said.

 Houston, who said she had trouble seeing the image at first,
 placed it atop a white shelf that holds her videotapes.  Several
 figures of angels, which she collects, are nearby.

 "This is gonna make my Christmas," Houston said.

 Paul Schacknow, MD, PhD
 Palm Beach Gardens, FL

Subj:     Last Supper In Sand (S412)
          From: Anonymous Junior in 2004
 Source: (Removed from arttribe.com)
Subj:     Comparing Jesus And Elvis:
          From: RFSlick in 2002 (S78, S287b)

 Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."  (Matthew 22:39)
 Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

 Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
 Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

 Jesus was part of the Trinity.
 Elvis' first band was a trio.

 Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
 Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

 Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
 Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

 Jesus was resurrected.
 Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

 Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me,
    and drink." (John 7:37)
 Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

 Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
 Elvis had irregular eating habits.
 (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

 Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
 Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

 Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
     (The Gospel According to  Matthew)
 Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers.
     (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

 "[Jesus'] clothes became a dazzling white" (Mark 9:3 NIV)
 Elvis' snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences.

 Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
 Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

 Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life,
    had an Immaculate Conception.
 Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went
    to Immaculate Conception High School.

 Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
 Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are
    still considered to be his foremost recordings.

 Jesus was the lamb of God.
 Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

 Jesus' Father is everywhere.
 Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

 Jesus was a carpenter.
 Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

 Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
 Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

 Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
 Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

 No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
 No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was
    "Aron" or "Aaron".

 Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
 Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Subj:     Jesus And The Woman Who Was To Be Stoned
          From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998 (S73, S588)

 Jesus was walking by the square, when he saw a woman tied
 up in the middle of a crowd.  "What is going on?" he asked.
 "This woman is a prostitute, and we shall stone her!"  Jesus
 replied, "he who is without sin: let him throw the first
 stone!" and everyone slowly walked away, untill one middle
 aged woman was left.  She hefted a heavy brick, and let fly,
 hitting the prostitute on the ehad and killing her.  Jesus
 turned to her in exasperation and said, "Sometimes you
 really piss me off, mom..."

Subj:     Finkelstein and Jesus (S838)
          From: virv in 2013

 Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that
 he really needed a new robe.  After looking around for a
 while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.  So, he
 went in and made the necessary arrangements to have
 Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

 A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried
 it on -- and it was a perfect fit!  He asked how much he

 Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of
 God there's no charge!  However, may I ask for a small
 favor.  Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just
 mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein,
 the Tailor?"

 Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues
 of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

 A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
 Jerusalem he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and
 noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
 He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as
 soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus,
 look what you've done for my business!  Would you consider
 a partnership?"

 "Certainly," replied Jesus.  "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

 "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.  "Finkelstein & Jesus..
 After all, I am the craftsman."

 The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion
 was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they
 finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later,
the new sign went up
over Finkelstein's shop:
Subj:     Jesus Substitutes For St. Peter (S18, S588b)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997

 The time has come for St. Peter's annual three week
 vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the
 Pearly Gates.  "It's no big deal," St. Peter explains.
 "Sit at the registration desk and ask each person a
 little about his or her life.  Next send them on to
 housekeeping to pick up their wings."

 On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old
 man standing in front of him.  "I'm a simple carpenter,"
 says the man, "and once I had a son.  He was born in a
 very special way and was unlike anyone else in this
 world.  He went through a great transformation even
 though he had holes in his hands and feet.  He was taken
 from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever.
 All over the world, people tell his story."

 By this time Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched.
 There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.
 "Father," he cries out, "it's been so long!"

 The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,

Subj:     Kids Asked 'Where Is Jesus?'
          From: Gmahered
..........in 2000 (S163, S634b)
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

 A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that
 his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
 because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.  He
 wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
 occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

 The teacher asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven
 raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called
 on and answered, "He's in my heart."  Little Johnny, waving
 his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our

 The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
 waited for a response.  The teacher was completely at a loss
 for a few very long seconds.  He finally gathered his wits
 and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.  Little Johnny said,
 "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
 door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Subj:     Feeding The Crowd Bread And Fish
          From: Carolyn in 2018 (S1129)
 Source: www.pinterest.com/pin/73465037646605433/

Subj:     Short Jesus Jokes

Subj:     Jesus Gets A Room (S179)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 in 1998
 Jesus is going through the countryside, very tired from the whole
 resurrection thing (crucifiction can be soooooo tiring!).

 He comes to an inn and puts three nails on the counter and says to
 the innkeeper:  "Can you put me up for the night?"

Subj:     Have You Found Jesus? (S787)
          By Australian cartoonist, Tim Whyatt
          From: Rosie Switzer in 2012
 Source: PhotoBucket.com
Subj:     Women's Prayer (S162)
          From: RFSlick in 2000
 Dear Lord...
 So far today, I am doing alright.  I have not gossiped, lost
 my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indu-
 lgent.  I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any
 chocolate.  I have not charged to my credit card.

 However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and
 I will need a lot more help after that.


Subj:     The Digital Story Of The Nativity (S725)
          From: Judith B. Tata in 2010 (d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkHNNPM7pJA
 What would it be like if Jesus was born our times?
 This video shows how the social media, web and mobile
 would tell the story of the Nativity.  This is the
 Christmas story told through Facebook, Twitter, YouTube,
 Google, Wikipedia, Google Maps, GMail, and Foursquare.
 Click 'HERE' to see this strange video.

Subj:     Why They Took Jesus To Jerusalem (S435b)
          From: dmswitzer1325 in 2005
 A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
 took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A small child replied:
 "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

Subj:     Jesus Bumper Sticker (S487b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Casting The First Stone (S234)
          From: Aussie Jed's Tasteless Jokes Archive Index
 Source: (Removed from axis.jeack.com.au)
 Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning.
 Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you
 who have no sin shall throw the first stone."  A man at the
 back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

Subj:     Casting The First Stone II (S403b)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2004
 Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.  "He
 who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."  Just then a
 stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him
 hard on the head.  "Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"
Subj:     Jesus's Picture
          From: darrell94590
..........in 2005 (S462)
 To see this optical illusion click 'HERE'.


If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?

From: RFSlick on 1998
 The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
 One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head
 on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
 "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

 Joseph whispered, "Write that down, Mary.
 It's better than Clyde!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 in 1999
 I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.


 Q: How can you tell that Jesus was Jewish?
 A: He lived at home until he was thirty, worked for his dad
    and his mother thaught he was god.

 Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?
 A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 Q: What is left on the plate after a cannibal eats the Son of God?
 A: Jesus Crust.

 Q: What did Jesus say before he fell on his face?
 A: Get away from here you damn beavers!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #179 in 1998
 Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
 A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

 Q: Why can't Jesus eat M?M's?
 A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

From: jcary in 1999 (S104)
 Q: What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
 A: Popeye kicked the shit out of him

                           -(o o)-
..........................Christmas from Smiley_Central