Subj: Jesus Jokes
..........(Includes 37 jokes, 05 1129,11,cf,wXT2a8a,3)
Some New Light Shed
Also see ARTIST file - 'Man
And His Son Collected Art'
BIRD-PARROT - 'Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar'
CARS-SUPP - 'Boy Wants To Drive The Family Car'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Christmas Mistake'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest'
.........GOD1 file - 'God Quotation'
GOD2 file - 'God's Affair'
GOLF2 file - 'Jesus And Moses Play Golf'
......................- 'Jesus, Moses And An Old Man Play Golf'
JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish Boy In Public School'
JUDGE file - 'Nativity In Washington DC'
MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'I Love Jesus, But I Drink A Little'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
PREACHER file- 'Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus'
PREGNANT file- 'Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant'
REDNECK3 - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
SCHOOL2 file - 'Jesus Taught The Deciples'
Subj: Uncle Sam Before The King Of Kings (S985)
From: Carol Ashe on Facebook on 11/26/2015
O Come, Emmanuel - Christmas Version - ThePianoGuys
From: Mel's Video in 2012 (S829d-iFrame)
Photo from YouTube.com
The Piano Guys have out done
themselves with their beautiful
version of O Come, Emmanuel. The story of Christmas unfolds
without a single spoken word. Best viewed full screen in
1080p HD - Sound UP! Click 'HERE' to see this very beautiful
story of Christ told.
Subj: Jesus On The Cross (S31, S588b)
From: Patricia Duvalle
..........(told to me twenty years ago)
Jesus is on the cross.
He looks down at the crowd and
spotting Peter he calls out "Peter, Peter." Hearing his
master's voice, Peter pushes his way through crowd. The
last one between Peter and his lord is a centurion guard.
He tries to push his was past the guard. The centurion
stabs Peter in the side with his spear and thrown him back
into the crowd.
Jesus again looks out into the
crowd. He spots Peter on
the ground bleeding and calls out "Peter, Peter." Hearing
his master's voice, Peter grabs his side to stop the
bleeding, stands up and pushes his way through the crowd.
He comes face to face with the centurion who stabs him in
the other side and tosses him back in the crowd.
Jesus looks down on Peter and
again says "Peter, Peter."
Peter grabs both sides to stop the bleeding, but can not
stand up. He crawled through the crowd and between the
legs of the centurion. Looking up at his master, Peter
replied "I am here my Lord. I have answered your call."
Jesus looked down at Peter and
then up into the sunset.
Looking back down at Peter, Christ said "I can see your
house from here."
Subj: Three Proofs Jesus Was ... (S93, S151, S588c)
From: icohen in 1999
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and
his Mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved the green pastures.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother".
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS NOT
......He made the blind to see.
......He made the lame to walk.
......He made the sick be well.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice
when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to
a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead he had to get up because
there was more work to do.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S1027)
By Dan Piraro in 2016
Subj: Anderson Nails (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #179 in 1998
A small factory in the northwest,
Anderson Nails, had been
experiencing years of success and growth. Feeling that he
was ready to try for the big time, the owner (Anderson, of
course) contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him
promote his product.
Aiming to get the greatest possible
exposure, the agency
booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl
halftime show. Anderson was pretty excited about this,
and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home
for a big Super Bowl party.
At the end of the first half,
everybody drew closer to the
TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial. It
began with an arial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a
small walled city. As the camera slowly panned about the
city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during
the Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came
into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of
crosses became visible. The focus settled on a naked man
in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup
of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the
cross. The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo.
A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words
"Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice".
Anderson's guests were horrified.
The party broke up before
the end of the game. The next day, he began to get phone
calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing
their outrage and cancelling their orders. By the end of
the week, his sales were down to nothing.
He called the president of the
advertising agency to cancel
his contract. When Anderson explained the situation, the
ad-man was surprised, and offered to run a new campaign at
The new campaign was slated to
start in a few weeks time
(not too long before Easter, as it turned out). This time,
Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the
privacy of his office.
It began the same way as before,
with an arial view of
Jerusalem. The camera finally settled on two Roman
soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace.
Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from their
drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands
and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers. The
first soldier looks at his companion, smiles knowingly,
and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!"
Subj: Honk If You Love Jesus (S162, DU)
From: KMacinty in 2000
I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a
local Christian bookstore and
saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy,
I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light
at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the
guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For
the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I
just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at
all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida
back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met
anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ....
he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so
caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and
drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned
out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
Subj: Need Help? Call Jesus (S772)
From: sam.hutkins on 10/27/2011
As I was driving home this week
worrying about all the
crap going on in Washington and how my life was falling
apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Subj: What Would Jesus Drive (S233, DU)
From: mbucher in 2001
Giving WWJD New Meaning:
Most people assume WWJD is for
"What would Jesus do?" But
the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would
tool around in an old
Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve
out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty
clearly owns a Pontiac and
a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies
with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup
trucks, because Moses'
followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the
Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus
drove a Honda but didn't
like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in
St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I
did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old
British motorcycle, as
evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar
of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports
car with a hole in its
muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the
And, following the Master's lead,
the Apostles car
pooled in a Honda ....."The Apostles were in one
Subj: Face Of Jesus (S203, DU)
From: pns in 2000
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium, month 12
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader
Santa Fe family sees face of
Jesus in fireplace log
By VERONICA GONZALEZ and SARAH VAN COTT
The New Mexican12/21/2000
Donna Magallanes had returned
from her kitchen a week ago
when she realized a picture of Christ hanging above the
fireplace in her living room had miraculously transferred
itself to a log nearby.
"I went to the kitchen, and the
picture of Jesus was on the
wood," Magallanes said.
The log now contains an outline
of what the 36-year-old
Magallanes believes is Jesus' hair, eyes, beard and mustache.
It is a darker brown than the rest of the log.
Magallanes said it appeared as
if someone had thrown water
on the picture of the Last Supper, which was hanging over
her fireplace. She said her boyfriend threw the picture away.
"It's a blessing that (God is)
telling me something," said
Magallanes, the mother of three. "I believe that he's helping
me out because everything has been going really well."
"Nothing like this has ever happened
to us," said Tanya
Houston, Magallanes' 40-year-old sister, who is keeping the
log at her house. "I figure this is just a sign from God, and
maybe all our worries will stop."
Magallanes gave the log, which
is about 2 feet long, to her
sister after the Rev. John A. Flaska Jr., pastor of St. John
the Baptist Catholic Church, blessed it.
Flaska said he blessed the log
because he thought it contained
something the family believed was the sacred face of Jesus.
"If they were going to believe it to be the sacred face and ...
would be inspired by that," Flaska said, "I blessed it."
Houston said a smooth part of
the log was the "Valley" - the
Valle Vista public housing where she lives. Houston said she
could also make out an image of Jesus on a crucifix and angels.
Houston said her family has had
a lot of problems. She said
her sister has lost some of her memory because a boyfriend in
California almost beat her to death several months ago.
"This guy beat me up really bad,"
Magallanes said, "and I came
back. It's just something different.
"Donna is the light of our family
except she is the only one
that doesn't know it," Houston said.
Houston, who said she had trouble
seeing the image at first,
placed it atop a white shelf that holds her videotapes. Several
figures of angels, which she collects, are nearby.
"This is gonna make my Christmas," Houston said.
Paul Schacknow, MD, PhD
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Subj: Last Supper In Sand (S412)
From: Anonymous Junior in 2004
Source: (Removed from arttribe.com)
Subj: Comparing Jesus And Elvis:
From: RFSlick in 2002 (S78, S287b)
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles,
had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst,
let him come unto me,
and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and
Elvis had irregular eating habits.
(e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many
(The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers.
(Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus'] clothes became a dazzling
white" (Mark 9:3 NIV)
Elvis' snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences.
Jesus lived in state of grace
in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus'
had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went
to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost
the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are
still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in
"Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was
"Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live
by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Subj: Jesus And The Woman Who Was To Be Stoned
From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998 (S73, S588)
Jesus was walking by the square,
when he saw a woman tied
up in the middle of a crowd. "What is going on?" he asked.
"This woman is a prostitute, and we shall stone her!" Jesus
replied, "he who is without sin: let him throw the first
stone!" and everyone slowly walked away, untill one middle
aged woman was left. She hefted a heavy brick, and let fly,
hitting the prostitute on the ehad and killing her. Jesus
turned to her in exasperation and said, "Sometimes you
really piss me off, mom..."
Subj: Finkelstein and Jesus (S838)
From: virv in 2013
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem
when he decided that
he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a
while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he
went in and made the necessary arrangements to have
Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.
A few days later, when the robe
was finished, Jesus tried
it on -- and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he
Finkelstein brushed him off:
"No, no, no, for the Son of
God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small
favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just
mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein,
Jesus readily agreed and as promised,
extolled the virtues
of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus
was again walking through
Jerusalem he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and
noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as
soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus,
look what you've done for my business! Would you consider
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus..
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this
for some time. Their discussion
was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they
finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later,
the new sign went up
over Finkelstein's shop:
The time has come for St. Peter's
annual three week
vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the
Pearly Gates. "It's no big deal," St. Peter explains.
"Sit at the registration desk and ask each person a
little about his or her life. Next send them on to
housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks
up to see a bewildered old
man standing in front of him. "I'm a simple carpenter,"
says the man, "and once I had a son. He was born in a
very special way and was unlike anyone else in this
world. He went through a great transformation even
though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken
from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever.
All over the world, people tell his story."
By this time Jesus is standing
with his arms outstretched.
There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.
"Father," he cries out, "it's been so long!"
The old man squints, stares for
a moment, and says,
Kids Asked 'Where Is Jesus?'
..........in 2000 (S163, S634b)
from Yahoo! Images
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers
was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
The teacher asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven
raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called
on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving
his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our
The whole class got very quiet,
looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits
and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Subj: Feeding The Crowd Bread And Fish
From: Carolyn in 2018 (S1129)
Subj: Short Jesus Jokes
Subj: Jesus Gets A Room (S179)
From: humorlist-digest V2 in 1998
Jesus is going through the countryside, very tired from the whole
resurrection thing (crucifiction can be soooooo tiring!).
He comes to an inn and puts three
nails on the counter and says to
the innkeeper: "Can you put me up for the night?"
Subj: Have You Found Jesus? (S787)
By Australian cartoonist, Tim Whyatt
From: Rosie Switzer in 2012
Subj: Women's Prayer (S162)
From: RFSlick in 2000
So far today, I am doing alright. I have not gossiped, lost
my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indu-
lgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any
chocolate. I have not charged to my credit card.
However, I am going to get out
of bed in a few minutes, and
I will need a lot more help after that.
The Digital Story Of The Nativity (S725)
From: Judith B. Tata in 2010 (d-iFrame)
Subj: Why They Took Jesus To Jerusalem (S435b)
From: dmswitzer1325 in 2005
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied:
"They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Subj: Jesus Bumper Sticker (S487b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/21/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Casting The First Stone (S234)
From: Aussie Jed's Tasteless Jokes Archive Index
Source: (Removed from axis.jeack.com.au)
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning.
Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you
who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the
back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
Subj: Casting The First Stone II (S403b)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2004
Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. "He
who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a
stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him
hard on the head. "Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"
..........in 2005 (S462)
If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have
a Mexican name?
From: RFSlick on 1998
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head
on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph whispered, "Write that
It's better than Clyde!"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 in 1999
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Q: How can you tell that Jesus
A: He lived at home until he was thirty, worked for his dad
and his mother thaught he was god.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What is left on the plate
after a cannibal eats the Son of God?
A: Jesus Crust.
Q: What did Jesus say before
he fell on his face?
A: Get away from here you damn beavers!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #179 in 1998
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M?M's?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!
From: jcary in 1999 (S104)
Q: What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye kicked the shit out of him
..........................Christmas from Smiley_Central